Between the Lines
by KittyGoddess415
Summary: Multi-chapter angst-filled Puckleberry. Rachel gets an offer she can't refuse - a fresh start in New York City. What happens when 'no strings attached' becomes a broken heart? Can they find each other again? EPILOGUE posted 12/16/13
1. Prologue

_**A.N**__: Welcome to my angst-fest. For those of you who know my LJ stuff, think of this as a "what if" from "The Games They Play". You'll see why I say that pretty quickly. This is by far the saddest thing I've ever written, but hopefully you trust in me enough to take a chance. Please enjoy, and review?_

_Suggested listening: Sara Bareilles, Between the Lines_

**Prologue - Graduation Day  
(Text in ****bold** are flashbacks.)

* * *

_I am always on the bleachers._

_Well, not _literally_. It's a _metaphor, _but if there is any one thing I know, one thing I'm certain of after..._everything_...it's that metaphors are important._

_And this metaphor breaks my heart, over and over again._

_It was Finn, it was Noah, it was Glee, and I'm..._here_. Constantly on the outside looking in. The bleachers, the sidelines, only used, never appreciated. A weapon...a tool - even in the colloquial sense. The last resort. And I sit alone again.  
_  
Rachel sighed and tossed her hair over her shoulder, watching Finn and Santana and Noah and Quinn walk off the field together. _Deja vu plus a few, the bleachers have never been kind to my heart..._It was over, finally over, and the Gleeks were scattering.

She stood, brushing off her dress, looking at the wreckage of balloons, flowers and caps.

_Graduation. The biggest performance of my life._

Surviving _it, that is. Not crying, not screaming, just smiling and smiling. Acting like I'm not -_ She shook her head. _Well, I must be convincing. The performance of my life – pretending to actually _enjoy _this beyond hellish day. The _singing _part I could do in my sleep._

"Hey! Aren't you coming to Finn's graduation party?"

The voice startled Rachel from her reverie, and she turned towards it automatically.

Mike Chang held out a hand to help her down. "My mom told me to 'get back there, and get your hat!' It's like she _paid_ for it, or something," he laughed. "Thought everyone left?"

With a bright smile, she took his offered support and stepped from the bleachers. "They did, I just...I needed a moment to absorb." _And to let them all leave before me._

He nodded, a slight frown on his face. "Okay...weird...but I guess that's not surprising with you." Realizing how he sounded, he stumbled to clarify. "I mean -"

"Michael, it's fine. _Truly_. No offense taken. I'm Rachel Berry, after all." _But sweet of you to care._ With a small wave, she walked across the field to her car, leaving Mike with cap in hand, staring after her.

* * *

Her aimless drive took her to the reservoir. _It's so...it's so quiet here...so peaceful. Who would picture a day when all I wanted was the absence of sound?_ Pulling into a spot, she shut off the car and grabbed her jacket and a towel. _Slushie care kit, don't leave home without it..._She spread out under a tree, kicking off her heels and stretching her legs out before her, closing her eyes. _You lived through it all, Rachel. Congratulations.  
_  
A car squealed into the lot, pulling into a spot at the far corner. Rachel opened an eye to peek. _Oh sweet Streisand. The universe must loathe me.  
_  
She gathered her towel and high heels up, running barefoot to the car before Noah or Quinn could notice the pink hybrid.

* * *

Puck leaned in with a wicked smile, adrenaline pushing desire through him. _Everything you ever wanted, Puckerman, you graduated, you snagged the head cheerleader, you're even going to college...Everything.  
_  
Quinn swatted his chest with a giggle. _"Puck!_ Come _on,_ everyone will be looking for us at Finn's, _stop it!_ This is how we got in trouble in the _first _place, _remember?"_ She sighed, letting her head fall back as he nibbled at her neck.

"Come on, babe, it's _natural_..." He nibbled her earlobe, glancing out the window as his sex ninja skills registered a sound out of place.

* * *

_**"It's natural," **_**he'd told her. **_**"And the chemistry is fucking phenomenal..." **_**He'd leaned in to kiss her, strawberry gloss on her lips, brown bedroom eyes fluttering shut..**_**.**_

* * *

_Fuck_. Fuck. _Of _fucking _course. Fucking universe hates me_. Even as he licked into the shell of Quinn's ear, his eyes stayed open to watch Rachel speed away.

* * *

Rachel crept past Finn's. Cars were parked all over the block, music and people pouring from every open door. She bit her lip. _What a madhouse...Who would even notice?_ Pressing her foot to the gas, she left them in the rear view. _And _that _should be a metaphor too_.

She pulled into her own driveway with a sigh, entering the empty house. _Thank goodness my dads won't be back till tomorrow, I couldn't pretend for them._ Pulling the pins from her hair, she shook the curling mass down her back.

"What a year." Rachel flopped onto the couch, closing her eyes. "Ugh, make that _two_ years..." The lowlights of it played against her eyelids. _Last year started with Finn, ended with Fintana. Started with Jesse, ended with my virginity and a second-place trophy. And ended with...with Noah, trying to - showing me -_She rubbed her hands at her temples, groaning. _And then _this _year, after...after Noah...watching them all live happily ever after, and seeing everyone else's dreams come true. Not mine. _Never _mine, it seems._ She opened her eyes and shook her head. "You know what? Just because I'm not at the party doesn't mean I can't have a good time..." _I know just the thing_. A tiny hint of a smile curved her lips as she headed for the small refrigerator.

Puck and Quinn showed up at Finn's an hour late, to catcalls and whistles. "Haven't you already _covered _that?" Santana teased, running her fingers through Finn's hair. "I mean _really,_ you two are ridiculous."

He grinned unrepentantly, slinging an arm around Quinn's shoulders. "Well, Driz has a fucking awesome family - drink to Mr. Schue -" He paused, nodding his thanks and downing a shot snatched from Matt's outstretched hand. "So I gotta make sure we can make another, right?" He humped Quinn, moaning. "Practice makes perfect."

* * *

_**"Practice makes perfect, Noah," **_**she'd chided. **_**"You have all the talent to be the male lead, if you only had Finn's dedication."**_

_**"Fuck him, I just need to pass this singing test." **_**He'd looked at her in disbelief. **_**You really think so? **_**He tossed the sheet music into his bag, biting his cheek to give truth to the lie before walking away from her. **_**"Thanks, Berry," **_**he said gruffly over his shoulder, quickly leaving the auditorium.**

* * *

Puck kissed Quinn's temple and released her. _What the fuck, dude? Get her the fuck out of your head_. "Sorry, babe, can't keep my hands off that cute little cheerleader body." He turned the room. "Who wants to play King's Cup?"

* * *

"Hey Mr. _Arn_stein...here I _aaaaaaaaam!_"

Rachel spun hazily, the bottle of pinot grigio in her fist. "Ladies and gentlemen, your _graduates!" And they marched in like little wooden soldiers...with their little hollow hearts..._"I'll march my_baaaaand_ out! I'll beat _myyyyyyyyy_ drum!" She giggled as the cold liquid sloshed from the bottle onto her hand. _Whoops. Noah would call alcohol abuse._

She frowned sourly. _What's the term? Buzzkill? I really don't want to think about him. At all. Not about his lovely arms. Not about his squandered potential. Not about how...how we fit. And especially not about how he kissed me like that when he should've been kissing Quinn._ She pressed her free hand to her lips to stifle their burning. _I need to drink more. Maybe faster._

* * *

Puck laughed, watching Chang down yet another rancid cup of booze. "Dude, we're just gonna call you Asian Flush from now on, your face is a fucking _stop sign_. You should never play this game at college_. Ever."_ Shoving a glass of water towards Mike, he leaned back on the couch, linking his hands behind his head. "Next game, the King's bored."

* * *

_**"I'm weary of this, Noah, I know you want to be with Quinn and I'm all right. Go. Be with her. I had my chance at the dream, this is yours." **_**She'd brushed off her skirt, fingercombing her hair. **_**"That was the deal, wasn't it? No strings? I overshared, you wanted to...fix it."**_

**Throwing his shirt back on, he stood from the dressing room floor.**_** "Screw that, screw them. She didn't want me before -"**_

_**"But she wants you now, Noah. She does. And you still want her." **_**She'd paused before asking,**_** "Don't you?"**_

**Something in her tone had him squirming, but he answered reflexively.**_** "Yeah, I -"**_

**Rachel held up a hand and smiled.**_** "No strings. Good luck." **_**She'd closed the door behind her firmly as she left the room.**

**He'd tried to talk to her after Glee, waited for her in their spot the next day. She didn't show. And from the look she gave him, some unidentified emotion in her eyes, he knew she wouldn't again.**

**He and Quinn had gotten together the next day.**

* * *

Puck looked around the room with a frown. "Yo, where's Berry? Shouldn't she be basking in the glory or some shit?"

Mike answered in a slur. "Saw her by herself in the on the bleachers staring into space. Maybe the aliens got her!" The Gleeks laughed, exchanging jibes about her home planet while Puck's stomach twisted.

_She's not your problem, asshole. Get her the _fuck _out of your head._ He scratched the back of his neck lazily. "Fuck, I need some Jack. Q, you okay if I go for a run?"

Quinn dragged him down by the collar to kiss him sloppily. "Just don't forget where you parked your ark, Noah."

_Puck. It's _Puck_. You don't call me Noah, you _never _have._ He bit back the protest, kissing her roughly. "I'll park it there all night long, babe..." Flipping off the room, he grabbed his keys, jogging to the truck and speeding off.

* * *

Rachel took another gulp from the bottle, dipping a strawberry in chocolate sauce before devouring it. _See? _This _is a party. Who needs those idiots? Can't believe I sang them in as the processional for graduation...Finn, who's too stupid to know a good thing when he has it. Quinn and Santana, who have the world at their fingertips but still only wanted to take what I had. Noah, who - Damn it, Rachel, you're not thinking about Noah Puckerman tonight! Keep drinking!_ She took another deep draught from the wine. _And just ignore that hideous doorbell!_

It rang twice more in rapid succession, reverberating through the foyer. _Damn it, who would -_ Peeking out the side window, she groaned. _No, no way, why..._She snagged the bottle and headed for the entrance.

_What the fuck are you doing, Puckerman..._Puck shoved his hands in his pockets, tapping his foot impatiently as the doorbell echoed. _Who the hell made Berry your responsibility? Just get the Jack and get back to the party...  
_  
The door swung open, banging into the wall. "Noah! What an _un_pleasant surprise!" Rachel gestured him in with the bottle in her fist. _The universe affirmatively _does _loathe me._"Daddy says white wine makes everything better, I'm trying it."

Puck closed the door carefully behind him. "Berry, you're drunk." _Never woulda fuckin' pictured you drinking alone…_

"Yes, but I still can talk clearly. Apparently I'm not drunk _enough."_ She took another slug of the bottle. "My daddies don't keep anything too strong in the house. So far I've only gotten confused, not _reaaaaally_ drunk yet."

Puck looked her up and down. "This _is_ drunk, Berry, you can talk but still be drunk as a fucking skunk." _And you are fucking drunk as a skunk._

"Language, Noah!" She tapped him lightly on the nose with a wet fingertip. _You _are _the badass, after all…_"Oh, damn..." She sucked the wine and chocolate off of it, looking at his face. "I committed alcohol abuse, I thought of you." _I think of you too often. _"I think I got chocolate -" Rachel leaned in to rub her thumb carefully along the tip of his nose. "There. You're perfect. Like always." _I always saw that in you…_

_The fuck is with her lack of a fucking filter?_ "How much of that have you had?" _Dude, you gotta get the fuck out of -_

She shook it, frowning at the sloshing sound. "Almost half of it, seems like. Can't have that!" _If I stop to think after this, I'll…_She turned towards the kitchen again, stumbling slightly in her heels. "Oh! I should take these off." She kicked them carelessly into a corner. _Ouch, damn it…_"My feet had gravel in them. Or on them. On them. Running on gravel isn't fun. But you know all about fun." _We were fun, you're all about fun, but now you have fun with her and make me think you want to have fun with me…Stop it, Rachel! _She wandered into the next room, making a beeline for the counter. "I love the wine fridge." Swinging herself up onto the countertop to sit precariously, Rachel folded herself over to examine the contents of the fridge.

"I think that's enough, Berry. You're not yourself." _Not even fucking close._ He slipped his cell from his pocket, texting Quinn. _Fam 911, bbl._

"You'd think that, right?" She grinned widely. "But I feel more myself than ever!" _Because for once, just _once? _I don't care! I don't want _anything _too much but another - _Pulling at bottles, she emerged with a small one of Baileys. "Hey, this looks like milk! I'm going to have some dairy! I don't have to sing anymore so I can. I can scream and I can cry and I can - _hey!"_

Snagging the Irish creme from her and replacing it in the fridge, he snatched the pinot away and gestured her out to the living room. _No fucking way, you're gonna make yourself sick._

"Fine," she huffed. "Marble's _hard_ anyway." _Rather sit on the couch, if I can't sit on - stop it, don't think about that! _Rachel slid down to the floor, her dress riding up so Puck got a glimpse of black lacy boyshorts.

Shit, _Puckerman, what the _fuck _are you doing?_ Shaking his head, he trailed her from the room.

Rachel swiped at the bottle, finally closing clumsy fingers around it. "Gimme." _I _like _the fuzzy feeling in my head, damn it..._She tugged. _"Give it to me,_ Noah," she demanded.

* * *

_**"I can give it to you, Berry, you know I will. Pansyass doesn't know shit about how to get a woman off." **_**He'd looked at her with a wicked grin over the red cup in his hand.**

_**"Noah!" **_**She'd blushed furiously, glancing around Mercedes' den, the rest of the group chatting in the opposite corner.**_** "Never have I ever is a stupid game and I should've lied. Just ignore me." **_**She sipped at the drink with a bitter expression.**_** "Stupid of me."**_

_**"I can fix it, you know I can...we were hot as **_**fuck **_**and you know it. I'd hate to think that asshole ruined sex for you." **_**He leaned in with a smirk, eyes flashing wickedly**_**.**_

_**"Not everyone is the Sex God of McKinley, Noah, but we mere mortals somehow muddle through. It was…pleasant, though not anything extraordinary…"**_

* * *

Rachel's heart hurt at the emotions in his eyes. _No, _no, _you don't -_ "Stop _looking_ at me like that, or at least give me the _damn bottle,"_ she said hoarsely, fighting back tears. _You don't get to look at me like that anymore, damn you...  
_  
Startled, he let go, Rachel smirking and chugging quickly, tilting the bottle back. _Just forget it, Rachel, forget, forget, forget..."Ahh..."_ She wiped the back of her hand over her mouth. "Guess no gag reflex is gonna make me a hit at college parties, right? I can chug, I can funnel, and I can play suck and blow...Ha, more than _that_ as you well know..." She sighed, taking another gulp. "Maybe _that's _what I need, to skip senior year. Maybe if I get away, go somewhere far..." She sank onto the couch. "Go _away."_

_Enough of this shit._ "Berry, why aren't you at the party? What are you doing?"

"Getting _drunk,_ Noah, _blind stinking drunk_. Drunk enough to _forget_ for a while." She draped her legs across the couch, laying her head on the arm. "Though I don't know what business it is of _yours,_ I didn't invite you to my party. It's a private party for _one_. Maybe two someday, someday when someone wants _me_ more than the cheerleaders, more than their popularity, but right now it's _one_. So go away. I'm sure they're all missing you the way they never miss _me."_

_I missed you._ He ran a hand over the back of his head. _Shit, Puckerman, what the fuck? Hot head Cheerio girlfriend, Berry's stupid but fine. Get the fuck out.  
_  
"You can do better, y'know," she groused, gesticulating with the now-empty bottle. _With those eyes, and that mouth, and that voice…_She dropped it to the floor and tapped it with her fingertips, rolling it into the corner. Leaning back in her seat, she sighed heavily. "You think I didn't notice, but I _saw_ the sheet music, Noah, you're...you're _talented_ and it's a _fucking travesty_ you're going to community college. _Ha!_ I said _'fucking'!_ I _cursed!_ You could go to _fucking_ Ithaca or _fucking_ Berklee or _fucking_ Juilliard and fucking _be _someone. You write such _beautiful _music..." She lifted her hand to reach for him. _No! No, leave it._ "I hope she's worth it, Noah, I hope she is." She dropped her head back against the cushions, turning her face away from him. _No point now. _"I really hope she is, because I miss you," she whispered, her eyelids fluttering closed.

_What the fuck are you doing here, Puckerman?_ He shook her lightly. "Berry. Come on, we have to get some water in you. Your dads out of town again?"

Rachel swatted listlessly at him, eyes still closed. "Go 'way." She rolled her hips, his eyes tracking the swirl, cracking her lower back with a smile. "I'm fine, I'm gonna go dancing. Boys like the way I dance. It's the _skirts_. _You_ loved the skirts, but now you love _Quinn_. You should go be with Quinn. You always wanted to. Even when you were with me. _Every time."_ She curled her body to the side, tucking her hands under her cheek. "But take the empty bottle," she yawned, "I'll tell 'em I gave it to Mr. Schue." Her body went limp as sleep stole over her.

Fuck_, Berry...See, this is why you should've fucking gotten out of here, Puckerman. _Now _what the fuck are you gonna do?_ Scrubbing his hands over his head, he shifted his arms under her, lifting her from the couch. _Like it would matter worth shit that I take the bottle if your dads come home to you like this. _He maneuvered them carefully up the stairs, dipping her to reach the doorknob and enter her bedroom. _What the_ - He frowned quickly at the bags in the corner. _Where the fuck are you going?_ He placed her on the bed, gritting his teeth. _Doesn't fucking matter, Puckerman, get a goddamn grip and get the fuck out of there._ Puck turned to go, rubbing a hand over his forehead. _Fuck_. He turned back to the bed and shook her. "Berry. C'mon, at least get changed."

_Leave me alone..._"Nu-uh, don wanna," she groaned, slapping at him. "Go 'way."

"Rachel." _Shit, you don't call her that anymore, Puckerman, fucking _focus_._ "Come on, just get changed at least, okay? I promise I'll gladly leave you the _fuck_ alone to sleep this shit out of your system, just get that dress off." _Oh –_ He looked at her blankly. _Oh, shit, she wouldn't_ -

Rachel finished tugging the slinky silk over her head, tossing it carelessly into the corner. _"There,_ now go away, Noah," she sighed, sprawling back on the bed, curling onto her side and hugging a pillow to her chest. _Leave me alone, haven't I hurt enough?_

_Goddamn it, Rachel._ His mouth dry, he let his eyes wander her body in the light through the blinds, following the curves and creases he knew by heart. The lacy boy shorts matched the black lace bra, the rest of her just satin skin and secrets. The smooth slope of her right side, the slide of her waist, tempted him, palm literally burning to touch her. _Get the _fuck _out of here._

Rachel shifted, throwing her leg over the pillow and clutching it tighter, the curve of her derrière making his mouth water.

_Gotta get out of here, Puckerman, she's fucked up enough. _He exhaled heavily.

* * *

**He spun her with a smug smile. **_**"Don't know why the guys talked you into this. Slow dancing is easy. Prom is gonna kick ass," **_**he'd bragged, spinning her back into his body.**

**Rachel shook her head, a melancholy smile teasing at her lips while she looked up at him over her shoulder**_**. "Noah, you know I've always believed you could do anything you wanted. The boys…they were worried about it. But **_**you**_**…Noah, why -"**_

**He'd leaned down to kiss her before he could think, strawberry gloss and the taste of mint soothing something inside him. He angled his head to lick into her mouth, swallowing her breathy moan and turning her to face him.**

**She'd shoved him away and bolted before he could say a word**_**.**_

* * *

_Two weeks ago…fuck, she must've been - _Noah rounded the bed, kneeling in front of her. "I'm sorry," he whispered. _I wish...fuck, I don't know_ what _I wish..._He brushed her hair back behind her ear, resting his hand on her cheek. "I'm an asshole." _I think I might just –_

Her hand reached up towards him, grabbing his wrist and tucking his palm under her cheek with a little sigh.

He left it there for a heartbeat. _I think I fucking _miss _you…_"I'm sorry, Rachel." Noah gently pulled away, stealing quietly from the room without another word.

"I'm sorry, too, Noah," she whispered, tears finally sliding down her face.

Rachel rubbed her eyes wearily, blinking at the low gleam of the clock. _Oh God, it's 3 AM_. She buried her face in her hands. _What were you thinking, Rachel, what were you thinking?_ "I _wasn't, _for once," she rasped to the darkness. "And didn't _that_ get me into this mess to begin with..."

* * *

_**"Oh, c'mon, Berry, it's me,"**_**he'd said dismissively.**_**"You can pretend to anyone else you want, but I know you're just as frisky as anyone. It's natural." **_**He smirked at her, brushing her hair behind her ear as he trapped her against the lockers. **_**"And the chemistry is fucking phenomenal..."**_

**Rachel's heart had pounded as he'd leaned towards her. **_**"You shouldn't - we -"**_

_**"Fuck it," **_**he'd murmured, **_**"fuck 'em all."**_

_**Bring it, **_**he'd told her before. She bit her lip. **_**He's the only one, Rachel, the only one who's never given a damn what anyone thinks. **_**She'd let her eyes fall closed, accepting his kiss and meeting it with her own pent up desire.**

**He'd walked her back into a janitor's closet, quickly and forcefully showing her the difference between Jesse St. James, and Noah Puckerman.**

* * *

"Should've known better, Rachel, should've known it was just a way to pass the time..." She pushed herself out of the bed, stumbling slightly as her head pounded. With a frown, she took the two ibuprofen on her nightstand, gulping down water. _I don't remember getting that...Oh, no. Brace yourself, Rachel - time to turn on the light..._She flicked on her lamp, looking around the room. _I didn't -_

Her dress was draped over the back of her vanity chair, her heels under it. Swallowing back tears, she blew out a breath. _He wouldn't have_...She grabbed her robe from the back of the door, the room spinning slightly. _Guess I'm not as sober as I think I am._ She stepped out into the darkened hallway, letting the light from her open bedroom door illuminate the steps. _A going-away party for one, great idea, Rachel..._She stumbled carefully to the main floor, turning on a lamp on the side table to survey the damage. "What in the –"

There was none.

The tears started to slip down her cheeks as she found the empty container of strawberries in the garbage, the chocolate sauce in the fridge, the wine bottle gone, and the rest stowed as they had been in her fathers' fridge. "He cleaned it all up." She swiped angrily at her cheeks. "Damn it, Noah, you're not supposed to _care_ anymore. You're with Quinn, it's what you always wanted." _It _is_. You _said _so. I was just a distraction..._Shaking her head, she retraced her steps upstairs, grabbing her cell phone from her small clutch. _Then why did he kiss me? Stop it. Stop right there. _Entering the number she still knew by heart, she texted him quickly. _A lot to do tomorrow morning, Rachel, brush your teeth, comb your hair, get to bed_.

She lay awake, staring at the ceiling.

* * *

Puck sipped at the Jack in his glass, Quinn perched on his lap. The party had thinned until the three graduating couples remained. He and Quinn were in the armchair, Brit and Mike in the loveseat, and Finn and San on the couch. _What the_ – The buzzing from his hip had him groaning. "Q, lemme get my phone. I told my mom I wasn't gonna be home..."

Quinn kissed his neck as she shifted up. "What happened before, anyway? What was the emergency? Your mom _knows_ we graduated today, right?"

He frowned quickly, slipping the phone from his pocket. "Yeah, she knows, she was fucking _there_, Q, which you would know if you came over when I asked you to."

* * *

**"**_**What happened to that nice Jewish girl, Noah? She was very talented, so sweet…" **_**His mother had frowned just slightly, looking behind him as though she could conjure Rachel from thin air.**

**"**_**I'm with Quinn now, Ma, I told you about her. Rachel and I are…we're friends." **_**His eyes had scanned the crowd for her, seeing her chatting with Mr. Schue. He frowned. **_**Or at least, I **_**think **_**we were, until I fucked it up again…**_

Puck looked down at the screen, looking at the number. He blew out a breath. _She woke up. _He hit the button to read the message. _Thank you, Noah – R._

* * *

**"**_**Mmm, I never thought I'd say this, but…**_**thank you**_**, Noah, that was…" **_**Rachel sighed and rubbed against him, arms hanging limply over his shoulders.**

**"That **_**was what you should've had the whole **_**time,**_** babe." **_**He'd nibbled on her neck, inhaling the spice of her perfume and trailing his lips down her body.**_**"You guys were together **_**how **_**long? A few months? Gotta make up for all that shitty sex, right?" **_**He'd licked slowly at her nipple, her low moan sending satisfaction humming through his blood…**

* * *

"So? Anything?" Quinn craned her neck to try to see the screen.

Puck snapped the phone closed. "Nope, nothing. S'all good with the Puckerone. I'll show you…" He leaned in, latching his mouth to her neck, nose unconsciously wrinkling slightly, rose and lilac assailing him.

* * *

Rachel padded down the stairs as the door opened the next morning, her smile watery. _Thank goodness, I couldn't sit there anymore! I've been showered and dressed since 5 A.M. _"Dad! Daddy!"

"Pumpkin!" William Berry spread his arms wide to his daughter, his answering smile gleaming whitely against his chocolate skin. "Baby, come here!" He looked over his head to his husband, Daniel. "What happened?"

Rachel launched herself into his embrace, her dad wrapping his arms around them both. _Everything. _"I just…it's so hard…"

"Oh, I know, sweetheart," Daniel said softly. "We're going to miss you to pieces. But Juilliard's summer program is your _dream, _Rachel. You'll love it! And they'll love _you." _He pressed a kiss to her hair. "They will."

Inhaling deeply, Rachel nodded, closing her eyes. _I'm just going to savor this moment, to hold on to when everything else is crazy. I have their love. And that has to be enough for now. _"Well, I'm ready," she whispered. _As I'll ever be, anyway. This couldn't have come at a better time. I'll leave this behind for a while…_

"I'll get your luggage, baby," Will said, shaking his head at his husband.

Daniel stroked her back soothingly, pulling her into his body. "Rachel, honey, is there anything you want to tell me? Anything you want to talk about? "

"It's me, Dad, it's me. I think I'm just…" Rachel sighed, looking away. _I can't…it's too much, even though I know he'd listen…_"I think I'm just nervous. And I missed you both. I'm going to miss you all summer."

William lowered the bag to the floor, hoisting the other easily. "Off to take New York City by storm, baby girl! Win some parts, break some hearts!"

_It'd be a relief if it was someone _else's _hearts for once…_With a last glance behind her, Rachel stepped into the bright sunshine.

* * *

_**One month later…**_

Rachel blew out a breath, tossing a smile to the audience as she sat at the piano. _This is what I came for, this is what I put on my game face for day after day. This moment. I am about to be on the grand stage in New York City, and nothing can take it from me. _She flexed her fingers, setting them lightly to the keys. _Nothing will ruin this for me. Not an idiotic badass or my broken heart._ Drawing in a breath, she started to play, and let the song pour from her lips.

_"Time to tell me the truth…  
__To burden your mouth for what you say,  
__No pieces of paper in the way.  
__Cause I can't continue pretending to choose…  
__These opposite sides on which we fall,  
__The loving you laters, if at all…  
__No right minds could wrong be, this many times…"_

She sighed, closing her eyes and leaning into the keys, her heart speaking through the words. The verses soared through the auditorium, the haunting tone of her voice echoing.

_"I thought… thought I was ready to bleed…  
__That we'd move from the shadows on the wall  
__And stand in the center of it all…  
__Too _late _- two choices, to stay or to leave…  
__Mine was so easy to uncover -  
__He'd already left with the other…  
__So I've learned to listen through silence…"_

Rachel opened her eyes, looking out past the audience, out the windows into the distance. _Thank you, Lori, for introducing me to Sara Bareilles._ She smiled quickly at her roommate before her gaze darkened, heart aching as she sang the break. _This song, this damn song…_

_"I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say  
__I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on  
'__Wait for me, I'm almost ready'  
__When he meant let go…_

_________Leave unsaid unspoken…  
__Eyes wide shut, unopened…  
__You and me  
__Always be  
__You and me  
__Always between the lines…"_

She let the last notes fade to silence, fingers hovering lightly over the keys as she breathed. _I did it. I _did _it._

The director of the program grinned at the man next to her. "Rachel, come down here and meet Myron Dalton. I think you two should talk."

With an uncertain smile, she skimmed down the stairs to stop before the front row. "Mr. Dalton, I'm Rachel Berry. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Standing, he held out his hand. "Ms. Berry, the pleasure is mine. I'm the principal of a new performing arts charter high school here in the city. I'm looking for young talent, for real stars, to come here to anchor our program. I would love to have you, Rachel."

_Oh my – is he – _"Are you – I – I apologize but, are you quite serious? What about residency requirements and such?"

"We have a waiver as a charter school to recruit ten percent of the school's enrollment. And I want you as part of that ten percent. I would love to have you stay. Is there any reason you wouldn't be able to join us in the fall?" He looked at her expectantly.

Rachel bit her lip, looking into the distance. _Is there any reason?_ Really, _Rachel?_ _What is there in Lima but broken hearts and dreams for you? _She looked back at the director. "No, no reason at all."

* * *

**A.N.**: And welcome to Between The Lines. I think you can see why I say it's the alternate universe to The Games They Play. Hope you enjoy.


	2. Time Will Tell

_**A.N.**__: I am absolutely flattered by the response to this story. I'm so glad you all are intrigued! Just to clarify one thing – I don't think the Gleeks are all in the same grade, so while Puck, Finn, Quinn, Santana, Brittany, Matt and Mike graduated, the core still have another year left at McKinley. In my universe, anyway. :) Hope you enjoy._

_Suggested listening: Elisa, A Little Over Zero_

(Text in **bold **are flashbacks)

* * *

**Chapter One: Time Will Tell**

Rachel paced the lobby outside the auditorium, her heart pounding. _They_ want _me, they want_ me _to anchor a program_. Rachel Berry. _And I didn't even _ask,_ I didn't have to _fight...She bit her lip, the phone still ringing in her ear. _Damn it, where_ are _you__ both__?_ At the answering machine beep, she took a breath. "Hi Dad, hi Daddy, it's Rachel...I - I have to speak with both of you about something. It's - it's a _good _thing but...I just - it's rather - "

The door slammed into the wall, shoved open impatiently. _I hear her! _"Rachel? Honey, are you there?" Dan lunged for the phone, dropping his keys and his shopping bag heedlessly to the floor. He gestured Will in. "Come _on!"_ he hissed. He turned his attention back to the receiver. "We were just grocery shopping, sweetheart, I'm sorry, we're just walking through the door. How was it? Or _is_ it? Isn't today your recital?"

_"Was,_ Dad, and...that's - that's what I'm calling regarding." She took a deep breath, moving towards the windows lining the lobby. _Because it almost seems too good to be true..._"Are you - could you perhaps put me on speaker? I don't know, I just - this is rather - well, rather _significant_ -"

"Were you discovered?" Will crowded the phone, reaching around Dan to hit the speaker button on the base. "Are you going to be on Broadway, pumpkin? Your name in lights? I'll start packing _right now!"_

Rachel burst out with a watery laugh, fighting back tears while she gazed out at the bustling city street. _"Daddy..."_ She shook her head affectionately. _If only that were it, then I wouldn't feel so…broken…  
_  
"What's wrong? Pumpkin, what's wrong?" Will frowned at his husband. "Something's _wrong,_ I hear it! If this is a _good_ thing -"

"They want me to stay in New York," she blurted, "they want me to be a part of this new program." _They_ want _me._ _Period_. Someone _does_. Rachel rubbed a hand over her heart.

"Then...what's wrong? Pumpkin, why are you _upset?"_ Will gestured towards the living room. "Laptop!" he instructed, pointing Dan in its direction. "That's it, baby girl, can you go back to the dorm? We need to Skype - I need to _see_ if you're okay -"

"They want me here, Daddy, I just - I was recruited for a new charter school here. For once, they want me, _they're_ courting _me." Not anyone else._ Me.

"That's - baby girl, that's _fantastic!"_ Will shrugged helplessly at Dan from across the room. "What - why are you so sad, then? You don't _have_ to take it, you can say -"

_"No!" Rachel! __Modulate y__our volume!_ She blushed, looking sheepishly at the startled campus security guard. "Sorry," she mouthed. Directing her attention to the phone, Rachel gathered herself and continued. "I mean - _no,_ I...I _want_ to take it." _I think I might just_ have _to take it for the sake of my sanity…  
_  
Dan frowned quickly at his husband. "Sweetheart, you know that means you'll be starting over in your senior year, is that _really_ -_"_

_"Yes!_ Yes, Dad, I know and I –" - _can't stand being at McKinley, wandering the halls and thinking of Noah and Quinn._ "I _want_ that, I -" - _couldn't stand spending my last year with their ghosts…_She closed her eyes, squeezing the bridge of her nose. _Stop it,_ stop it, _Rachel_. _Do_ not _think about him, or the_ how _and the_ what _and the_ how many times. "I _want_ to start over." _I_ have _to, either way. It's either at McKinley being tortured by what was, or the great unknown._ _"Please,_ Dad, Daddy. I want this."

Will shook his head. "We're _missing_ something. Rachel, when you left - it almost -" He exhaled. "I'm a _psychologist,_ baby girl, and I know avoidance and depression when I see it. I let you go, hoping you would tell us when you could. But now you're talking about moving three states over. Was it - was it _Jesse?_ Did he _do_ something? _Say_ something?"

"I wish," she whispered. _Would be so much easier than this_..."I...I made a mess, Daddy, I thought - I made the wrong choice, I -"

"Oh, sweetheart..." Dan grabbed his husband's arm, eyes wide. "Rachel, did you - were you -" He bit his lip. _Oh, please, don't let her have been_ -

_What on earth is he getting at?_ "Was I –" Rachel paused. _He – oh my – he thought I –_ "Dad! _No,_ no, I didn't - I _wasn't_ - I know better. I was _safe,_ just -"

Dan heaved a sigh of relief, sagging into Will's shoulder. "Got your heart tangled up in the wrong boy. Oh, _Rachel_...is that really worth moving away?"

_Seeing Noah and Quinn around town? Finn and Santana? For another year, feeling like this? Taunted by what I had around every corner of that school?_ "Yes," she whispered, the tears finally escaping. "Dad, Daddy...I - I know this is a lot to ask but can I - can I _stay?"_

"Oh, honey..." Dan looked at Will. _Can she? _He kept his eyes locked on his husband, who nodded. Exhaling, Dan answered quietly, "Lima was never big enough for you." _And your heart is always too big for your own good._ "Now if we're moving to New York, can your daddy and I find this boy and -"

_"No,_ Dad, _don't_._" _Rachel resumed her pacing, watching the cars speed past, continuing absently. "I...I knew it was a mistake but I did it anyway. Noah never -" _Damn it, Rachel!_ She bit her lip, squeezing her eyes shut. _Please don't - _

_"Puckerman?_ Ilana's son?" Will's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to get to temple early Saturday and –"

"Daddy! No, _please_...please don't. It's not - it's not _worth_ it. I just - I just want to forget, to just move on, _please."_ She rubbed her hand over her forehead. "And _please_ don't psychoanalyze me either." _I can't take it, not yet._

"I know, I'll have to deal with this, but right now, this sounds like...like I can be in the middle of the city of my dreams, a valued member of a fledgling charter program." _They'll actually _like _me, they'll _appreciate_ me__._ "I don't have to see Noah Puckerman parade his perfect blonde little girlfriend around town," - _so I won't feel like I'm constantly being stabbed in the chest_ - "I don't have to fight with a prima donna Glee director for the solos I deserve," – _because he thinks my ego is _so_ healthy, the idiot_ – "and I don't have to feel like a puppy begging for scraps of friendship." _Though, if I truly think about it, they're rather abysmal friends to each other as well!_

She turned to face the doors into the auditorium again. "Honestly, I can't think of _one bit_ of that scenario that sounds anything _less_ than utopian." _I'd be…I'd be a__way, just like I said I wanted. Though with substantially less of the envisioned extracurricular activities._

Dan crossed back to his husband, grabbing his hand and rubbing circles into his palm with his thumb. "If this weren't such an opportunity, sweetheart, we wouldn't endorse this, but..." Will nodded again, prompting Dan to continue. "When does school start?"

"Re-_really?_ I _can_ - I'm _going to_ - _oh my goodness_. Dad, Daddy...I love you both _so much,_ _thank_ _you._ Thank you." She swallowed and pressed a hand to her roiling stomach. _My chance, my opportunity to _be_ someone, be loved and accepted…to transcend the torment of McKinley…_"They –" Rachel shook her head, beaming. " – _we_ start in three weeks. So what – how is this going to work?"

"Well, we _move,_ that's how. I am not sending you to school in New York without us!" Will glared at the phone. _"Honestly,_ Rachel."

* * *

_**"Honestly, Rach, he's an asshole."**_** Puck idly twirled a strand of her hair between his fingers as she lay spent on his chest. "**_**I don't know why any guy lucky to have all your crazy making him the center of your universe would let you go. You're fucking gorgeous, smart, talented, sexy as fuck when you loosen up...**__**"**_** He tugged lightly at the strand of hair, her gaze shooting to his. _"He's_****_ an ass..."_**

* * *

_Liar__, damn__ you, Noah__, you _liar_. No one wants to be the center of my universe, and _you_ did the same damn thing!_ "I'm sorry, Daddy, I just - the house and all of our belongings...your employment…" _How selfish can I possibly be?_ She chewed her lower lip.

"I can work anywhere, baby girl, don't you worry about that. We wouldn't say yes if we'd be bankrupted." Will pressed Dan's hand to his heart, shaking his head. _I don't know if I'm going to be able to _stop_ myself from saying something to _Ilana_…_

"We'll rent the house while it's being shown," Dan suggested. "If...if you're sure you don't want to come back here later..."

"Never." Rachel clenched her hand around the phone. "Dad, I don't even want to come back _now,"_ she said quietly. _Can't my fairy godmother come to do that for me? So I never have occasion to set foot in that accursed town again?_

"Oh, Rachel..." Will's heart clenched. "We _love_ you, _so_ much. I wish I could fix this for you. But you have to come home and pack for yourself. You need to show yourself you can do it. I don't want you thinking you can just avoid your problems, baby girl, I'm _sorry_. But I know you can do it, and we'll help. We'll have a yard sale!" He smiled. "You _loved_ those when you were little. You'd collect the money, make the change, even write a little receipt." _And we could protect you from everything._

Rachel wrapped her arm around herself. _A yard sale? Where I'm outside? As though I'm not already vulnerable enough there? _"I don't - can't I just look for apartments or something? I trust you both, I - I just -" Her breath hitched, just slightly. _I _hurt_ when I'm there…_

"Oh, sweetheart...maybe -" Dan turned pleading eyes on Will. "It _would_ make sense to have her at least _look,"_ Dan whispered.

"You _have_ to come home, Rachel." Will glared at his husband. _She _does,_ Daniel! _"You _do_ have to. I'm not saying you have to see him, you don't even have to come to temple. But come home, pack up your stuff, say goodbye."

Rachel scoffed. _To whom? _"I already _did,_ Daddy. I already _did." I let go, I said my goodbyes...To so much...__I didn't have a _choice. She turned to look out the window again. "I'll see you Monday night. Flight lands at 7:39."

"We'll see you then, baby girl. Have fun this weekend. It's the wrap party, right?" Will shook his head at Dan. _I'm so sorry, but she has to come back, at least this one last time__..._

_If I leave my bed._ "Yes, we're going to see the Masters Recital tomorrow and then there's a picnic Sunday. There are parties after both." _Because really, _another_ graduation party or two is just what I want.  
_  
Dan shrugged helplessly. _Not much we can do from here..._"Just be careful, sweetheart. See you Monday."

"Love you. Dad, Daddy." _I'm_ really _doing this. I'm_ transferring, _I'm moving to_ New York City. "And..._thank you."_ Rachel pressed a hand to her forehead. "I can't believe I'm going to be a New Yorker."

"We love you too, pumpkin. Be good." Will hung up, Dan immediately launching himself into his husband's arms.

"I want to _kill_ that Puckerman boy, Will, I want -" Dan shook his head, clenching his eyes shut. "I am a _doctor,_ I do no harm," he muttered. _Except in cases where it's warranted. Like here._

"I know, baby, I know," Will soothed. _Like I don't?_ "But I'm sure he'll regret it. He will."

Rachel quietly re-entered the auditorium, sliding into a seat in the last row to watch the performances. _I'm going to be_ here. _In_ New York City. _I'm going to be okay. For the_ first time, I _really think I can be okay._ She clapped enthusiastically as the final solo finished, walking down the aisle to the rest of the audience.

"Okay, Rach, what was that little confab about?" Rachel's pretty Filipino roommate Lori Bernardo stood and raised an eyebrow at her. "We've lived every minute of the past month and a week together. I know by the smell of wood burning that you're thinking. So spill! What is it?"

Rachel grinned at her. "I was recruited to stay in New York, to go to the new Arts and Sciences charter school that Dr. Dalton is heading!" _I get to live my dream…_

_"Rach!_ Oh my God, that's _amazing!"_ Lori hugged her tightly, pulling back to look in her eyes. "But...how can you leave your Glee club? You're the _star_ there, aren't you? Your friends, your neighborhood? I mean, I _know_ it's the Big Apple..."

_"Easily, _Lor. _Easily_. You have _no_ idea." _And no one will ever have to know unless I want them to. A fresh start. A clean slate. And a place where I'm wanted._ "Very, _very_ easily."

* * *

_**Saturday night…**_

Rachel giggled, holding Lori's arm as she and the rest of her dormmates stumbled out of Cooper 35. "Wait, _wait!_ Where's Connor? Lori, where's _Connor?"_ She stopped suddenly, digging in her purse for her phone. "We can't leave without Connor, Connor bought us drinks!"

Lori laughed as Rachel fumbled to open her cell phone. "Connor has the only fake ID. And he bought _you_ drinks, babe, he got us all one round, but _your_ glass was _constantly_ full. I think our RA has a little crush on you."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel struggled to focus on the screen. _To be wanted musically and physically in the same weekend? Doubtful. _"Damn it, I thought I could hold my liquor better…" _Had that whole bottle to myself, didn't I?_ Her fingers moved in slow motion.

"All set," a deep voice came from behind them, a tall, muscular mocha-skinned man joining the group.

Rachel jumped, dropping her phone into her purse again. _Oh! Never mind. _"Connor! You made it. I was worried." _Every guy who seems to like me leaves me instead…  
_  
_"Aww,_ thanks, Rach!" He slung an arm around her shoulders as they started to walk. "You don't have to worry about me, it's my job and my _privilege_ to worry about you."

She looked up into his piercing grey eyes. _Handsome _and_ talented…and _here…"Won't be your job after tomorrow," she said with a small smile. "Would it _still_ be your privilege?" _Rachel Berry, are you flirting__?__  
_  
The rest of the group broke into a rousing chorus of "New York, New York" ahead of them.

* * *

_**532 miles away…**_

_"Ohhhhh, Sweet Caroline…"_ Puck snatched the phone up from the nightstand, swearing and hitting the button to quiet the ring. _What the fuck?_ _There's no fucking way she would -_ He hit the answer key, lifting the phone to his ear. "Hello?" He frowned, hearing street noises, a man yelling about a fare, and – _Is that __'__New York, New York__'__?_ "Hello?"

"Who in the world is that on the phone at 1 in the morning, Puck?" Quinn walked out of the bathroom, frowning. "Your mom's away, I thought we were gonna take advantage of that?"

_Away! Fuck,_ that's _where she went. The_ Juilliard _program, she was_ -

* * *

_**"What if I don't make it, Noah?" **_**Rachel**** bit her kiss-swollen lower lip. **_**"I've wanted this for so long." **_**She gazed deeply into his eyes. **_**  
**_**  
He shook his head. **_**You? Get rejected?**_** _"No fucking way._****_"_ **_**Why are you looking at me like that? **_**_"_****_They'd be _**_**brain-damaged**_**_ not to take you. You're _amazing,_ Rach."_ He shifted her under him again. _"In _**_**every**_**_ way. Let's refresh you on a few…"_**

* * *

_"Would it still be your privilege?"  
_  
Puck froze. _Fucking shit, that's her – her fucking_ bedroom _voice_…

_"More than,"_ an unfamiliar deep basso replied. Puck's chest heaved as he heard the soft sounds of a kiss, a familiar low moan sending the bile rising to his throat. _Rachel_…"Wrong number." He quickly flipped the phone shut, tossing it onto his dresser. "Where were we?" He shoved Quinn roughly back on his bed and lowered his head, sucking and biting at her breasts.

_"Mmm,_ where is _this_ coming from?" Quinn groaned and shifted under him.

He shoved inside her without preamble, hips thrusting against her while he fisted a hand in her hair. "Don't ask questions." _J__ust fucking take it__._

* * *

Rachel pressed herself closer, wrapping her arms around his neck and lifting up onto her tiptoes. _Mmm…Noah…_She blinked with a start. _Rachel!_ She tore her lips away, shaking her head as her eyes filled. "Oh, _oh, Connor,_ I – I'm _so_ –"

Connor left his arms around her waist, keeping her in place. "Don't tell me I'm a bad kisser," he teased. He brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear and grinned. "And I don't expect you to put out either. I just _like_ you."

* * *

_**"I love you,"**_** she whispered. She stroked his head, the deep blanket of sleep finally erasing the creases from his brow. **_**"It breaks my heart to know **__**that **__**she **_**doesn't,**_** Noah. She **_**won't****.**_** Not like **_**I**_** do…"**_

* * *

"I'm so sorry, Connor, I – I _can't,_ I'm a mess, I – I was with – there was –"

Connor shook her lightly. "Rach. _Chill_. It was a kiss. An awesome one, but just a kiss. I wouldn't mind another or even a _few,_ but I'm not trying to force anything." He pecked her on the lips again and released her. "Congrats on being recruited, and…_don't lose my number."_ He moved his arm back to her shoulders and guided them back to the group, joining in the chorus.

_Get out of my head, Noah Puckerman!_ Rachel sighed, suddenly sober again. _So much for a carefree weekend._

* * *

Puck exhaled, heart racing, and gathered Quinn onto his chest. Raking his hand through her hair, he grimaced. _Damn it, too fucking short…can't even tangle my hands in it..._A ghost of long brown hair flowed through his fingers and he caught his breath.

_"Mmmm_…that was – I thought that aggressive meant _degrading_ but…" Quinn scraped her nail over his chest. "That was…_amazing_. I loved it."

* * *

_**"I love you,"**_** she'd whispered.**

**His stomach had clenched, heart pounding even while he kept his breathing even and his face neutral. He heard the rest of her words from a distance, _No, you don't. You_ can't. _You can't love me. Don't. __I__ don't deserve it, and you deserve _much_ fucking better than _me_._**

**When she'd finished talking, he'd waited two heartbeats before blinking at her blearily, feigning the sleep in his eyes and rolling her beneath him again.**

* * *

_Rachel_…He flipped Quinn onto her stomach under him, pushing her into the mattress with his hips, burying his length inside her and closing his eyes again.

* * *

Rachel tossed herself down on the bed and buried her head in the mattress. "I'm a moron, I should _never_ have kissed him!" _Rachel, what in the world is _wrong _with you? How could you do that?_

Lori sat down next to her and stroked her hair. "Rach, what the _hell?_ What happened? You were all _flirty_ and –"

"I'm still hung up on someone else," she mumbled. _And I've been denying it all this time…_

"O-_oh."_ Lori rubbed her back soothingly. "Honey…"

"We weren't even _dating,"_ she groaned. _Even if we were doing everything _but_…  
_  
A small frown twisted Lori's lips. "Unrequited?"

_Ha, I _wish. "Fuck buddies," she confessed. She turned over, the story spilling from liquor-loosened lips. _"Noah._ He's…the most unknowingly _amazing_ person. But he's _Puck_ too, and Puck's an _asshole_. And he _wants_ to be _Puck _at school_,_ not _Noah_. So all the fantastic things, the sweet, funny, caring parts? He'd show me in dressing rooms and dark corners, sneaking at his house or mine while our parents were out..." _And once in the dead of night_...Rachel rubbed a hand over her heart, sharp pang of remembrance stabbing her. "But everything _else_ was Puck, and I…I couldn't fight him, it…it wasn't worth it. But that meant I had to - I gave up Noah. Does that make any sense?" _What do _you_ think, Rachel? _She dragged the pillow over her face. "I sound like a lunatic."

Shrugging, Lori laid next to her, pulling the pillow off of her. "I might be persuaded. Start from the beginning."

Barking a laugh, Rachel smirked. "The _first_ beginning or the do-over?"

_"Oh,_ boy. One of _those."_

Rachel sighed. _"Exactly._ Short version – don't _ever_ be honest when playing Never Have I Ever. I ended up propositioned by my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'd always had phenomenal physical chemistry, to remedy the sorry orgasm-less existence I had from my most recent ex."

"And…you _went_ for it?" Lori propped herself on her elbow to look Rachel in the face. _"Seriously?"_

Pressing her hands to her eyes, Rachel nodded. "I – I'm kind of a _pariah_ at my school, Lori. No one – no one _understands_ my drive, my ambition. I'm _ostracized_ and _shunned_ for it. But Noah…" She sighed, shaking her head. "He never gave a damn what anyone said about me. He was in fact one of my tormentors for quite a while." Rachel chuckled bitterly. _Should have known we were too cliché. _"How very elementary school, no? But he - I _challenged_ him, told him I couldn't be with someone who wasn't brave enough to sing a solo. The next day, he's singing me Sweet Caroline."

"Um, _wow_. Your Glee club sounds like a soap opera! So, you got together..."

"He - at _first_ he was a substitute for this other boy, the male lead. But after _that_...I saw _him_ - _Noah,_ not Puck. There's so much good in him, but he never _believed_ in it." _And I always did._ "He has such a good heart, but...it wasn't _mine_. I broke it off, once I realized he was hung up on someone else too." _And apparently that never changed…_"But _then_...he propositioned me, told me he'd show me a good time, no strings. And he had the right devil may care attitude for someone of my dubious social status." She turned towards Lori. "He's also fucking gorgeous." She snatched the pillow back to cover her face again. "And _all_ that is why when he kissed me, I didn't stop him. And then…"

* * *

**Puck walked her back into the closet, guiding ****her ****with hips and hands and kicking the door shut**** behind them.**

_**This is insanity.**_** Rachel groaned and pressed closer. **_**Deliciously decadent insanity…**_

_**"You thought about this too."**_** His voice was a dark whisper against her skin, his lips blazing a familiar trail across her cheek to her ear. **_**"We were fucking**_** ridiculously **_**hot together, Rach, you **_**know**_** we were."**_

_**"Noah..."**_** She sighed and tipped her head back, giving him easier access to her skin. **_**Of course I know, I'm here with you now because I know…**_

**He nipped at her pulse point, licked down the line of her carotid artery. _"_**_**I better get to touch your boobs this time,"**_** he teased, dragging his tongue across her collarbone to the valley between her breasts.**

_**"Everywhere, Noah, please..."**_** Her body had burned and tingled, desire sweeping her under. **_**I want everything…**_

* * *

"They don't call him the Sex God of McKinley for nothing. He may have given himself the title, but he's proven it, repeatedly."

* * *

**He slowly unbuttoned her blouse, smirking at her lacy bra. **_**"Nice,"**_** he whispered, dipping his head to drag the cup down with his teeth, setting them to her nipple as she arched and cried out. **_**"Shit, Rach, he **_**really didn't **_**know what he was doing, huh?"**_** He lavished attention on each breast, her heart threatening to leap from her chest**** with its frantic beat****.**

_**"No, I don't - not like -"**_** She moaned, biting her lip while her body went liquid. **_**"Noah..." **__**He never - I've never -**_

_**"Not like me. No one is..."**_** He'd smoothed his hands up her thighs, skirt rising to her waist...**

* * *

"We went on like that for the last month of my junior year, and even in the summer, we'd hang out at my house when my dads were away or his when his mom and sister were gone...But then the beginning of the next year, the girl he'd wanted...she started looking his way. He was starting to be more _Noah_ around other people, and she...she noticed." Rachel swallowed, tears rising. _She finally saw what I'd seen all along…_"We said no strings, so I - I kind of pushed him her way."

_"Rachel!"_ Lori grabbed the pillow to whack her over the head. "Are you serious? Why didn't you tell him how you were feeling?"

"Because I wasn't supposed to feel _anything_ about it, about _him,_ and I - " _was scared to tell him__ in the light of day__..._"Lori, you have _no idea_ what it's like, being 'Rachel fucking Berry' in Lima, Ohio. In _New York,_ it's...you're _all_ driven, you're _all_ ambitious, it's like _nirvana_ for me. No one _judges_ me for it. But _there,_ I'm - my nickname for the longest time was _Crazy_. I was always the one to pass the time with, never the one they wanted. I was used by every boy I ever cared for, by every supposed friend I had. Even as a tool by the _teachers_. I was _despised_._"_

Rachel took a slow, deliberate breath, forcing back the tears. _I will not cry over this again._ "I asked Noah if he still wanted her and he said _yes_. I wasn't going to fight after _that_ - he wasn't going to break it off, but _knowing_ he wanted someone else? If he'd even _hesitated_ in saying yes, I might have said something, but..." She blew out a breath. "He _didn't_. So Noah Puckerman and his perfect blonde girlfriend are riding off into the sunset of Lima Community together."

"That's a pretty _shitty_ sunset, Rach, you realize that, _right?_ They get to go to _community college_ together, and you get to be the star of a new program in _New York City._ I think we know who takes the win on this one, okay?"

* * *

_**"Noah..."**_** She shivered as he lifted her up, hooking a leg over his shoulder and lowering to his knees. **_**Oh, Rachel…what have you gotten yourself into?**_

_**"Rachel,"**_** he replied, trademark smirk on his lips. **_**"You might want to hold on to something. This is gonna change your fucking world."**_** He dragged her underwear to the side, tongue tracing a hot path from her thigh to her core.**

_**"Ohhh!" **_**Rachel's body contracted, electricity shooting along her nerves. **_**I think it already has…**_

* * *

"I'm not so sure," Rachel whispered, burrowing into the pillow again. _He's happy and I'm…_"I'm not so sure."

* * *

Puck caught his breath, jolting awake and blinking slowly in the darkness. _Rachel_... He exhaled, rubbing a hand over his face. He looked down next to him, chest tightening as his eyes fell on porcelain skin and golden hair. _You're good, Puckerman. Breathe. Just_ -

* * *

_**"Breathe, Rach, let it go..."**_** He'd nipped at her inner thigh, her gasp like music. **_**Just like that…**_**He worked her underwear down her legs, keeping his mouth busy on her skin. **_**"You know you want it." And I'm gonna give it to you, I'm gonna be the first one to watch you fall to fucking pieces...  
**_**  
"_I - I_ - **_**ohhhh, Noah**_**..." Rachel caught her breath sharply. **_**"Noah..."**_

**He twisted his finger higher inside her. **_**So fucking tight, I want in..."C'mon, Rach, trust me, let go."**_** He lapped at her clit, feeling her inner muscles clench around him. **_**Let go...**_**He sucked hard at the nubbin of nerves, fierce satisfaction bursting through him as she shuddered and breathlessly chanted his name. **_**Yes...**_**He curled his finger into her G-spot, rubbing at it while increasing the suction of his mouth.**

**"Noah!"**** She arched back, hands groping for purchase against the shelves, eyes closed as her center rippled around him. _"Oh, _****Noah****_...I - this is - _****ohhhhh****_..._"**

**"Fuck **_**yes..." You're fucking mine...**_**He unfastened his pants one-handed, only withdrawing his finger to roll on the condom he'd pulled from his pocket. _"Hold that fucking thought."_ He dragged her skirt up again, hiking her legs around his hips and positioning himself, throat going dry at the helpless vulnerability in her eyes, now open wide and fixed on him. _"No going back now."_ His gaze burned into hers. **_**Don't you fucking think I'm letting you **__**get out of this**__**...  
**_**  
She shook her head, tightening her legs around him to draw his shaft inside her, groaning and reaching for his face. Dragging his lips to hers, she kissed him, crying out into his mouth as he sheathed himself to the hilt and started to move...**

* * *

He shook himself. _Get a fucking grip, the fuck is Berry in your head for anyway?_ He watched Quinn, sleeping soundly on her side, her back to him. _You've got the fucking head bitch in your bed, the whole fucking male population of Lima wants to be you right now. The fuck more do you want?  
_  
He rolled onto his side, turning his back to Quinn. _Nothing_. _This is what I fucking wanted. It_ is.

* * *

_**Monday…**_

"I don't _want_ to go back," Rachel sighed, laying her head on Lori's shoulder. _Ever. Why won't they just let me stay here?_

Lori stroked her hair gently. "I'm going to see you in a week. You'll stay with me while your dads wrap stuff up. It'll be fine. You keep your head down, you'll be back in no time."

"I loved him." The confession burst from her, tears springing to her eyes. _Past tense, Rachel? Really? _She pushed the thought away, blinking rapidly to keep from crying. "I think he loved me too."

"I know, babe, I think so too." Lori dropped a kiss on her head. "But he's too fucking stupid and you are a star in the making." She rested her cheek briefly on Rachel's hair. "I'll see you in a week."

Rachel stood resolutely. _"One_ week. What could possibly happen?" _Keep telling yourself that, Rachel, now that you just jinxed yourself…_Shaking herself, she smiled, holding out her hands. "Lori, you really are amazing, you know that? I don't know _what_ I would have done without you, how I would've survived."

Grabbing her hands, Lori stood. "Well, knowing all _this,_ you make a _helluva_ lot more sense. I have to admit to being a little freaked by the intensity at first, but with all the shit you left back home, it's no wonder. But you know what? It's all _that,_ all that _heartbreak,_ and the way you can use it in your voice and your performance, that makes you so special. You got _soul,_ babe. Keep that in mind. No one can take that from you." She quirked a half-smile. _"Nobody gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down..."_

Rachel flushed, ducking her head. _You are most definitely an only child, Rachel…_"I am _so,_ so sorry for that, Lori. I never realized how annoying that song could be at 6 am." _Or that not everyone has a soundproofed bedroom._

Rolling her eyes, Lori walked Rachel to the security line. "Well, now you do, so act accordingly! I expect a better alarm track than that when you get back. The buzzer was acceptable, but not long term. Get on that." She hugged Rachel tightly. "Don't forget to breathe, babe."

Rachel nodded with a watery smile. _That was always the trick for me..._"I'll try my damndest." _It's one week_. One. _I can do this. No one will even try to talk to me, what am I worried about? _With a wave, she slipped off her shoes and joined the slow crawl through the metal detectors.

_It's a week, seven days. I can quite easily avoid everyone for seven days._ She nodded her thanks at the security screener, stepping back into her flats and heading to her gate. _And this time, I'm not running to get _away_ from anything or anyone, I'm hurrying to close a distasteful chapter and start the _new_ one. _

_And what a chapter it's going to be. _

* * *

**A.N.**: And now to get writing that chapter. :) Hope you don't mind this chapter isn't too long, but if I continued with the rest, it would be twice the length. Figured this was a decent spot to leave you in. Next up, Lima…


	3. Once More With Feeling

**A.N.: **So, I've gone from flattered to _**floored.**_ I am utterly amazed by the response to this story, and I'm so so glad you all are enjoying it and are willing to take this crazy ride with me! Please don't shoot me for what happens in this chapter, k? Thanks.

_Suggested listening: Breathe, Alexi Murdoch; Any Way the Wind Blows, Sara Bareilles; Rainbow, Elisa; and your favorite version of Leonard Cohen's Hallellujah._

**NOTE: So sorry for the formatting issues, ffnet fails again...Bold is flashbacks, but I had to use line breaks between sections. FAIL.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: ****Once More With Feeling**

Rachel nodded her thanks at the attendant, taking her boarding pass back and heading down the gangway to the plane. _Just think, the next ticket I buy to New York City is going to be one-way._ One-way. _The Great White Way. I'm going to be a New Yorker, I'm so much closer to being a star. Here in New York City, I'm wanted, needed..._accepted_._ She carefully maneuvered down the aisle to her window seat, a small smile playing on her lips. _A helluva town._

As passengers filed on, Rachel quirked an eyebrow. _Seriously? No one sitting next to me? Guess not many people are flying to Ohio in the summer._ The typical tourists filled the majority of the seats, but there were scattered empty pockets. _Oh thank goodness. Though it would have been more helpful on the flight _here,_ frankly_...She popped her headphone in her ears and scrolled through her iPod to the mix Lori had made for her. _I think the sniffling and the hitching breaths through the first half of the flight were about a minute away from getting me killed...And the melancholy sighing was getting old by the time we landed, I'm sure_. She hit play and slipped her sleep mask on. _But I was a mess, running from him, running from me. Things are different now.  
_  
Alexi Murdoch's quiet guitar filled her ears, the chorus bringing the sting of tears.

_"So don't forget to breathe  
Don't forget to breathe  
Your whole life is here  
No eleventh hour reprieve  
So don't forget to breathe_

_Keep your head above water  
But don't forget to breathe..."_

Rachel slid her hand beneath the mask, drying her eyes roughly. _I_ will _keep breathing, because the whole of my life is not in Lima anymore. It won't ever be again._

* * *

"Puck, are you even _listening?"_ Quinn frowned, rolling her eyes at Santana. "I _said,_ we need to go visit McKinley. Coach Sylvester and Coach Tanaka want us all to put the fear of them into the newbies." She sighed. "They start training this week, she wants us there Friday."

_Get it fucking together, Puckerman._ He nodded at his girlfriend. "Friday, yeah. Got it."

Finn scratched the back of his neck. "Dude, it's like your _favorite_ thing, to threaten the underclassmen."

"Yeah, fresh meat," he agreed, throwing a smirk on for good measure. _Like I give a shit about a school I'm not going to anymore?_ "Gonna be fun."

* * *

_**"All the fun of breaking you in without the puppy dog attachment. Fucking perfect."**_** Puck grinned at Rachel, both of them catching their breath. **_**Not to mention I finally got under that fucking skirt...**_

**She rolled her eyes. **_**"Really, Noah? I understand this was a mutually agreeable purely physical arrangement, but must you say such things aloud?"**_

_**"Yeah,"**_** he smirked. **_**"Why the fuck not? You're fucking hot, and watching you lose your shit is addictive. You're like, the most tightly wound person on the **_**fucking planet**_** and I get to make you fall apart. I'm like the fucking king of the world."**_** He crawled over her on hands and knees, the bed shifting under his weight. **_**Fucking love when her dads are out of town..."And you're not really complaining."**_

**She laughed breathlessly, a shiver rippling through her body as she pressed herself up against him. **_**"Perhaps not..."**_

* * *

"Wow, Puck, you almost sound like you don't have the stomach for it anymore." Finn's voice jolted him from his memory.

Scoffing, Puck slung an arm around Quinn's shoulder and pulled her in. _The fuck does it matter anyway?_ "Like I give a shit about Tanaka anymore? There are _much_ better ways to spend my fucking time." He leered at his girlfriend. "Speaking of..."

"Eww, Puck!" Quinn shoved at him. "Seriously? You have to say that out loud?"

He laughed, ignoring the sour taste in his mouth at her words. "I can convince you, you fucking _know_ I can..." _You're my girlfriend. Quinn's my girlfriend. _He leaned in to kiss her neck, closing his eyes and forcing Rachel from his mind again.

* * *

She stepped off the escalator, small rolling bag behind her. _Oh, Daddy..._

William Berry stood with a small sign, reading "Rachel Berry", a gold star next to her name. "Hi, baby girl," he said quietly, opening his arms.

She launched herself into his embrace, squeezing tightly. _Oh, God, I missed you..._"I'm sorry, Daddy, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you what was going on..."

_Oh, Rachel..._Will rubbed his hands up and down her back. "It's okay, pumpkin, I understand. You know I do."

She nodded against his chest. _And that's the only way I'm surviving..._"I'm still sorry."

"I just wish you'd said something so we could help. I hate knowing your heart is so broken you don't even want to stay." Will squeezed her tightly. _But this is what you want, what you need, and we're going to be right there with you._

She leaned away from him, shaking her head. _Thank goodness it's not even entirely about that, not anymore..._"Daddy, this summer was - it was _amazing_. I don't - for the _first time_ in my life I feel like there really is a place for me in the world, where I don't have to _fight_ and _beg_ and defend my passion and my drive. I'm a New Yorker at heart, Daddy, I want everything and I want it now and I want to be the center of it all."

* * *

**Puck shoved her roughly against the wall, hiking her skirt and nipping at her skin.**

_**"Noah, what - mmmm, yes, Noah, ohhhh - I don't -"**_** Rachel abandoned speech as his mouth found hers, his hands making quick work of his pants and her underwear and rolling on a condom. **_**What has - why - "Unhh, Noah, God..."**_** She closed her eyes, one thrust of his hips drawing a gasp while her pussy clutched at him.**

_**"I want everything, every fucking inch, Rachel. Give it to me,"**_** he rasped in her ear.**

_**You already have it, damn it, Noah...**_**She moaned, hooking her legs around his waist to pull him deeper. **_**Don't you know that after last night? Quinn may have taken her from you, but you have everything from me...**_

* * *

Rachel shook herself. "That's _everyone_ in New York City. And they want me to be a part of that, they want all my determination and ambition. Do you have any idea how _liberating_ that is for me? No more slushie facials, no more false friends sabotaging my dreams." _No one playing with my heart..._

Will kissed the top of her head, leading her towards Dan at the baggage carousel. "We love you, Rachel, we're with you. I just wish there wasn't that little" _- or maybe_ not_ so little, which kills me_ - "bit of you that's using this opportunity as an excuse to run away."

"Daddy, there's nothing left here to run _from_. There's nothing left here but material things. I already have a friend in New York, and a -" She looked up at her father. "And a boy who told me not to lose his number." _Even when I pushed him away. He stuck, he stayed..._

Will shook his head ruefully. "Of course you do, you're amazing. And if you can't be as phenomenal as you truly are here, then away we go." He nudged her towards Dan's open arms.

"Dad..." Rachel wrapped her arms around him, burying her head in his chest. _I'm so, so lucky...they love me so much..._

"Oh, Rachel." Dan rocked her gently, humming in her ear. _I just want to take all this away..._"Sweetheart..."

_I'm going to kill that Puckerman boy._ Will yanked Rachel's bright pink suitcase from the conveyor. _I really am. Just before we leave. No one will catch me..._"Come on, we're set. Let's get you home, baby girl."

_Home? _Shaking her head resolutely, Rachel looked at her fathers. _Not anymore._ "That's just a _house_ to me now. _Home_ is what we're going to find in New York City."

* * *

"Yeah, we'll get to McKinley on Friday, Q, I _know,_ okay?" Puck groaned and flopped onto his bed. _Will you shut the fuck up already? I just want to go to sleep._ "Fuck, Q, I know I'm not the most reliable but I can tell the goddamn days of the week. Okay. _Okay_. G'night." He closed the phone, tossing it onto his nightstand and gazing out the window with a frown_. She must've fucking told me every hour on the damn hour. Like I give two shits about that school anymore? I'm fucking over it._ He threw the covers over himself, laying his arm across his eyes, and let his mind go blank.

* * *

_**She's supposed to fucking climb in **_**my**_** window.**_** Puck clenched his jaw, climbing in through hers instead. **_**I just - I need**_** -**

**Rachel ran a gentle hand down his cheek. **_**"Oh, Noah - I can't believe she wouldn't let you even hold - are you all -"**_

**He pressed his mouth to hers roughly, hands fisting in her nightgown. **_**"Don't talk," **_**he growled against her lips. **_**I don't want to think, I just want to fucking forget...**_**He finally managed to tug the fabric off, the moonlight streaming in through the windows casting their shadows through the room.**

_**"Noah -"**_** She reached for him again, cool palms bracketing his face.**

**He scooped her up and tossed her onto the bed, stripping his clothes and climbing on with her. **_**Don't, just - goddamn it, Rachel..."Shut up,"**_** he hissed. **_**"I'm not even supposed to be here, remember?" I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I just want to fucking **_**take,**_** to make you cum...**_

**She leaned up to claim his lips, wrapping her arms around his neck and shifting beneath him, pushing at him with her hip and her shoulder.**

_**The fuck does she -**_** He kissed her deeply, hands kneading her breasts. **_**On top?**_** He rolled them so she straddled his body. **_**That works for me...**_**Puck groaned into her mouth, his cock sliding against her wetness. **_**Fuck yeah that works...**_

**Rachel grabbed a condom from her nightstand, expertly rolling it on while she busied her mouth on his. She stroked his head, his chest, her hips moving against him.**

_**Fucking tease...**_**He growled, grabbing her thighs to hold her still.**

**Rachel dragged her mouth away, laying gentle kisses on his brow, down his face to nip at his pulse point. She reached down between them, taking him in hand and guiding him inside her. Sinking down on him slowly, Rachel cupped his cheek in her hand, eyes steady on his as she lifted and lowered on him...**

* * *

Puck sat up, panting for breath. _What the _fuck_ was _that_ shit about, Puckerman? Get her the fuck out of your head. _He flung the covers off, heading towards the bathroom. _The fuck is up with you?_

* * *

_**"What the fuck is up with you?"**_** He stepped through the window into her room. **_**You're being fucking crazy. "You brush me off all fucking day, after that bullshit with telling me to go after Quinn yesterday -"**_

_**"Noah, I'm serious."**_** Rachel folded her arms and rounded to the opposite side of the bed. **_**"I only allowed you in because I know you would stay out there all night, but I'm serious about this. We agreed, no strings attached. Quinn is seeing you for who you truly are. You deserve the same chance with her that I had with Finn."**_** She turned down the bed. **_**"Now that we're clear, please just -"**_

_**Just fucking**_** nothing. **_**"Your fathers aren't even home, Rachel, the only reason I went for the window is I doubted you'd open the door. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is going on." Something is not fucking right here and I won't just fucking let it go. "If there's no fucking strings -"**_** He stalked around the bed towards her. **_**Don't you think I'm letting this go. "If there's no fucking strings I can do **_**this**_** and you'll be fucking fine."**_

**Puck tore her short pink nightgown in half, wrapping his hands around her waist and hauling her into his body. **_**Fuck, you're gorgeous..."I can do**_** you, **_**and you'll be**_** more **_**than fucking fine." You're always more than fucking fine...**_**He tossed her onto the bed, stripping quickly and following her down. **_**"Tell me you don't want me, that you don't want this."**_** He pressed a finger inside her, a smirk on his lips. **_**You want this, you want me.**__**"Fuck that. You may say you don't, but I won't fucking believe you."**_** He added another finger, rubbing roughly at her G-spot with a groan. **_**Not when you're so fucking tight, and so wet for me..."We're too fucking good together."**_

**Rachel twisted on the bed, hands fisting in her sheets as she whimpered.**

_**"You can't just fucking walk away." I won't fucking let you unless you give me a better fucking reason than**_** Quinn. He withdrew his fingers to quickly roll on a condom, pulling her to the edge of the bed and hoisting her legs to his shoulders, shoving his cock inside her with a groan. **_**Fuck yes, how did I make it a fucking day without this...**_**He set a furious pace, ramming into her deeply, mouth on hers to swallow her cries as they climaxed together.**

**He disposed of the condom, getting into bed with her and throwing the covers over them. Snaking an arm under her, he hauled her onto his chest. **_**"Why the fuck would I go after Quinn when I have this with you,"**_** he yawned, eyes falling closed. _Too fucking perfect to give up for no good reason._**

**A cool hand on his brow, stroking slowly. **_**"I love you,"**_** she said quietly. **_**"It breaks my heart to know that she doesn't, Noah. She won't. Not like I do…"**_

**He waited two heartbeats, chest tight, and rolled her over, kissing her gently. **_**Fuck, Rachel...don't. Why did you fucking have to say that?**_** His hands stroked her body, skimming and teasing, coming to rest against her face when he finally entered her again. **_**I can't - this can't - **_**Damn it,**_** Rachel, fuck...**_**He kept the pace slow, the desire thick between them, bittersweet as goodbye.**

* * *

Puck splashed cold water on his face, shaking his head to clear it. _Enough with Rachel fucking Berry. You're in enough shit with Q on the regular to think about anyone else's pussy but hers_. Sighing, he eyed himself in the mirror. _Yeah, well, if Rachel hadn't fucking lost her mind and said she loved me, we'd be -_ A voice in the back of his mind scoffed. _Like you didn't fuck her again right after that? You fucking wanted her _more,_ that shit makes you _hot_...You deny you deserve it but you fucking _wanted_ it...and _her_..._He rubbed a hand over his mouth. _Shut the fuck up. Maybe if she hadn't fucking said that, I wouldn't be with Q. And that would be b-_ He looked away from the mirror. That voice whispered again._ Like you didn't go after Q because you didn't think you deserved to have Rachel love you_. He met his reflection's gaze again. _I should fucking get back to bed._

* * *

"Rachel. Baby girl. It's after 11 o'clock, you're not gonna make it to Colbert. Just go to bed." Will kissed her forehead gently, shaking the shoulder Rachel's head rested on lightly. "Come on, upsie daisy."

Rachel shook her head, snuggling deeper. "No, I don't want to." _I haven't been in there since - I don't want to go._

"Rachel, come on. I'm going to put you to bed if you keep this up. Don't think I can't carry you!" _You have to, Rachel, you can't just avoid it forever. _Will nudged her up again.

_He must've carried me up the stairs that night, I don't remember -_ Rachel blinked away the thought. "No, Daddy, don't carry me. I'll go to bed." She stood, stretching. "So, I'll start packing tomorrow, I think. And then the only other things I need to do are go to the post office to change my address to Lori's temporarily, and get my transcript from McKinley." I_n through the main doors, directly into the main office, to my locker, and out. Do not pass the auditorium, the dressing rooms, those janitor's closets...the locker room..._She buried her face in her hands for a moment. "I'll do that all at the last possible minute. Friday morning sounds good, right?"

Dan exchanged a look with his husband. _Oh, sweetheart. He's everywhere for you, isn't he..._"That's fine, Rachel - do you want one of us to come with you? We can, you know. I've already tendered my two weeks at the clinic, I can come in a little late."

_That would be so much worse..._"No, Dad, but thank you. You and Daddy felt it was important that I come back here. I will assume that's for a reason, and I will endeavor to be as autonomous as possible while I am. I can do this. Knowing that I'm leaving? I can do this. It's all right. I'll be fine. It's not like anyone will be there in any case." She crossed the room to kiss both her fathers. _Besides, this way I can cry if I have to._ "Good night, Dad. Good night, Daddy. I love you both."

"Love you too," they chorused.

_You can do this, Rachel._ She took a deep breath and started up the stairs. _This is your bedroom, it will be fine._ Opening the door, she flipped on the light, eyes going to her vanity. _Damn it._ She crossed slowly to stroke her fingers over the dress. _I should have just hung this up then, so I don't have to think about it now_. Hooking the hanger around her finger, she walked the dress to her closet, ignoring the burning feeling in her eyes. _I will not cry. I will _not_. I was recruited, demanded, courted. What does it matter that in Lima I'll always be second best to blond-haired, blue-eyed Quinn Fabray? In New York City she'd be a dime a dozen, but I will be a star. Now for a nice hot bath and to sleep._ She slammed the closet doors shut and moved to the shower. "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair, I'm gonna wash that man, right outta my hair..."

* * *

_**"Ohhhh, sweet Caroline..." **_**Rachel squinted into the darkness, fumbling for her cell phone. **_**What in the - why would he - "Noah?"**_** she rasped.** _**Oh, my poor vocal cords...**_

_**"Rach. I need you."**_** His voice was low and hoarse.**

_**Oh, no - it must've - she - "How is she? The baby?"**_** She sat up in bed, flicking on the lamp on her nightstand. **_**Quinn must've given birth, which means -**_

_**"She's - fuck, Rach, I don't fucking know. Quinn wouldn't - she wouldn't change her mind, she's adopted, she let them take her out of my fucking arms - "**_

_**"Oh, Noah..."**_** Rachel stood, crossing to the window. **_**"Come up."**__**I know you must already be out there.**_** She watched him ease the truck door open and closed, snapping his cell phone shut and jogging across the driveway to her window. Rachel dropped the fire escape ladder out the window. **_**I don't want you to hurt yourself, you're hurting enough right now...**_

**Snorting, Puck dug a foothold in the trellis on the side, climbing up that and hoisting himself in.**

_**Of course, he needs to prove he's still a badass, why did I even insult him like that?**_** Rachel ran a gentle hand down his cheek. **_**"Oh, Noah - I can't believe she wouldn't let you even hold - are you all -" I don't even know what to say...**_

**He kissed her hard, grabbing at her nightgown. **_**"Don't talk,"**_** he growled against her lips. He stripped it off of her quickly, yanking her underwear from her.**

_**Oh, Noah - you think I don't know that you're hurting? That you need to let this out? "Noah -" Talk to me, share this with me - I'm here.**_** She laid her hands against his cheeks, trying to angle his eyes down to hers. **_**You can't hold this in, you'll explode...**_

**He grabbed her and threw her on the bed. **_**"Shut up,"**_** he whispered harshly. **_**"I'm not even supposed to be here, remember?"**__  
_  
_**Fine, if I can't reach you with words, I know enough by now to know I can reach you in other ways.**_** She lifted up to kiss him. **_**If you won't process verbally, you can process physically. I can live with that.**_** She nudged at him with her body. **_**Let me take care of you, Noah...She kept pressing against his right side. Come on...**__  
_  
**As though he'd heard her, he flipped them on the bed, keeping their lips sealed together.**

_**I want you, Noah, you know that I want you.**_** She rubbed lightly against him, sighing into his mouth as she ground her slit up and down the length of his cock. **_**You're so much more than the loser she sees in you. **_**Rachel grabbed a condom from her nightstand. **_**I wish you would believe me...**_**She rolled on the latex and kissed him. **_**Let me show you. **_**She circled herself against him. **_**Let me show you how amazing you really are...**__  
_  
**Puck's hands latched onto her thighs, their kiss going greedy.**

_**No, let me set the pace this time. I want to make you feel as wonderful as you always make me feel**_**. Rachel broke away from him, kissing across his forehead, down his face to pluck at his carotid artery with her teeth. **_**Let me take care of you tonight.**_** Snaking her hand between them, she wrapped his cock in her fist, positioning him at her entrance. **_**I want you to feel every positive, healing, cleansing emotion you can...Slow, Rachel, slow...**_**She caught her lower lip between her teeth, slipping him inside and laying her hand on his cheek again. **_**Look at me, Noah, look me in the eyes, and know that you are worthy, and wonderful...**_**She kept her gaze locked on his. **_**Let go, Noah, let go...**__  
_  
**He buried his hand in her hair, hauling her mouth down to his.**

_**"You are so much more than you know, Noah,"**_** she whispered into his mouth. **_**You have no idea, but you are..."And she's a fool..."**_** She moved herself up and down his cock, muffling her whimpers and moans in his shoulder and neck.**

**He rolled them back over, kissing her fiercely, pumping himself in and out of her hard and fast.**

**Rachel's hands roamed his body, settling around his face, his eyes fixed on hers. **_**Yes, Noah, please..."Mmph!"**_** She cried out into his mouth as his eyes went wide and blind, her climax echoing his, triggered by the pulsing of his cock inside her. **_**Oh, God, Noah...I love you...**__  
_

* * *

Rachel shot awake in bed, gasping. _Oh, God. Oh, Rachel_. She exhaled heavily, tearing the mask from her face to dry her eyes. _Stop it, just_ stop it. _There's no use thinking about him, not anymore._ She blinked at the clock. _Lovely. 4 AM. I may as well start packing._ Pressing her hands to her eyes, she laid back down. _God, what a mess...I loved him all the time we were together, I realized it when he came to me after Quinn gave birth...But I only say it out loud to him when I've _already_ ended things, when I told him to go to her, when he's asleep. I am an unmitigated idiot.  
_  
She frowned, sitting up again. _Well, I didn't tie a damn string to him, did I. He went to Quinn the next day. I finally say the words out loud, and we - _twice _that night,_ twice - _and that second time..._She swallowed back the tears. _It was like he was saying it back to me the only way he knows how..._She looked out the window. _But then, he's gone, and by the time I get to school, he's with her. I may have loved him, but he definitely didn't feel the same._ Dropping back to the pillows, she grabbed her sleep mask and yanked it back over her eyes. _What use is it losing any more sleep over this? Noah Puckerman is exactly where he wants to be. He probably doesn't even think about me anymore.  
_  
_Liar,_ a small voice whispered. _He left that party to check on you. He made sure you were okay, cleaned up after you...He took care of you._

She flopped onto her stomach, burying her face in the pillow. _Damn it, Noah, damn you...And then he left me for Quinn Fabray, again! _She shoved the mask off her eyes, turning back over with a frustrated groan. _No time like the present._ Throwing off the covers, she padded quietly across the hall to splash water on her face and brush her teeth. _Elliptical will be early, lots to do.  
_

* * *

_**Tuesday  
**_  
Tuesday passed in a haze of packing, Rachel working all day and into the night. _I have so much to do,_ she rationalized. She ate with her fathers and packed her room until exhaustion forced her to succumb to sleep again.

* * *

_**"We got lots to make up for, Rach...how many unfulfilling nights did you have anyway? Did you get yourself off after?"**_** Puck arched above her, licked circles around her nipples, mouthing them without suction. He kept his strokes slow and steady inside her as they lay on a blanket on the dressing room floor.**

_**Oh, God, please...take me..."Noah..."**_** She grabbed the back of his head, holding him in place. **_**"Please..." What more do you want from me? "Please..."  
**_**  
**_**"Please what, Rach? Huh? Tell me." **_**He slid his tongue over her breast in a long, slow stroke.**

_**"Noah!" You can't really expect me to**_** - Rachel flushed. **_**Please, Noah, don't make me say it...**_**She arched her hips up towards his, biting her lips desperately. **_**I want you so badly, you know that I do...  
**_**  
Puck switched his attentions to the other breast. "**_**C'mon, tell me...I'll give it to you if you ask, you know I fucking will..."**_** He grinned up at her, plucking her nipple tightly with his mouth. He sucked slowly, eyes on hers.**

_**Oh, you son of a - Oh, Noah, yes, please - "Fuck me,"**_** she pleaded, eyes falling shut. **_**"Noah, please, I - I want you, I need - unh!"**_** Her eyes flew open as he rammed hard inside her. **_**"Yes, Noah, unhh, yes..." Anything, everything, please...**_**Rachel wrapped her arms and legs around his body, every thrust jolting her. **_**Harder, deeper, more...**_**She let her head hang limply, panting and clutching at him. **_**Please...**_

**Tilting his hips just slightly, he pounded her into the floor, groaning and burying his hands in her hair, leaning up to look into her eyes.**

_**"Noah!"**_** Rachel cried out, body bowing off the floor into him, her orgasm fierce and fiery. **_**I love you, I love you so much...**_

_**"Rachel..."**_** He kissed her hard and followed her orgasm with his own. Chuckling, he carefully withdrew, disposing of the condom before returning to her, gathering her onto his chest.**

_**Oh, Noah...**_**Rachel bit back her sigh, his heartbeat slowing beneath her ear. **_**"Much better use for this blanket than with Finn,"**_** she murmured quietly. **_**"I go from sex being prevented by early arrival to sex that has no arrival for me at all,"**_** she joked. **_**And now I'm really in trouble. No strings attached for you, but you can break my heart...**_

_**"Honestly, Rach, he's an asshole."**_** Puck wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger. "**_**I don't know why any guy lucky to have all your crazy making him the center of your universe would let you go. You're fucking gorgeous, smart, talented, sexy as fuck when you loosen up..."**_** He pulled at her hair until she looked up at him. **_**"He's an ass..."  
**_**  
**_**"Which one?"**_** she asked, a sarcastic smile curving her lips. **_**Finn has his cheerleader, Jesse has his trophy and my virginity.**_

_**"Both,"**_** he said firmly. He nipped at her mouth, grinning as she giggled. **_**"C'mon, we gotta get to class. Well, **_**you**_** do, anyway."**_** He rolled them over, kissing her again...**

* * *

_**Wednesday  
**_  
Rachel shot up in bed again, gasping. _No, I don't want to - I -_ She looked over at her dresser, one drawer still closed while the others stood open and empty. _Not yet, not until I'm leaving for good. I can't. I'm not ready to..._Biting her lower lip, she threw off the covers and walked to the dresser, opening the drawer. _What are you doing, Rachel?_ She stroked a shaking hand over the McKinley sweatshirt laying inside. _No, I'm not doing this._ She shoved the drawer closed, turning away. _Not yet._ Glancing at the clock, she snorted. "At least you made it to 6 AM this time," she murmured. Heaving a sigh, she turned to her bookshelves, flicking on her light. "At this rate, I could leave by tomorrow..."

* * *

Puck blinked awake, rubbing a hand over his chest. _The fuck, Puckerman?_ He leaned up on his elbow in bed, looking around with a frown. _You don't have shit to do, the fuck are you awake for?_ He lay back down, scrubbing at his face with his hands. _Your plans with Q are way later, you're not going to McKinley today. Fucking sleep, jackass._ He flipped the pillow to the cool side and closed his eyes again.

* * *

_**"Fucking watch where you're going, jackass!"**_** Puck shoved the scrawny freshman into the lockers, the empty slushie cup slipping from his nerveless fingers**_**. Fucking son of a bitch. I thought we were over this shit.  
**_**  
**_**"Noah."**_** Rachel laid a hand on his arm. **_**"Noah, it's all right, I'll just clean up."**_** She held her head high, grape slushie dripping off her right shoulder. **_**"He didn't mean to."  
**_**  
The freshman shook his head rapidly, eyes wide and terrified.**

_**"Noah."**_** Her voice was sharper this time, hand tightening on his arm. **_**"Let him go, he didn't mean to. He won't run anymore. Right?"  
**_**  
His captive nodded emphatically. **_**"I'm - I'm really sorry,"**_** he managed.**

_**"Let him go, Noah."**_** Rachel smiled up at him. **_**"It's really okay. I'm sure I can find something in the choir room to change into."**_

**Puck released him, shoving him once more for emphasis. **_**"Watch where you're going. This fucking happens again, your ass is mine." Damn it, Rach...**_**He turned to her, shaking his head at the purple ice and slush decorating her right side.**

_**"Think of it this way,"**_** she said, heading towards the bathroom. **_**"At least it's not on purpose for once."**_** Pausing at the door, she turned back towards him. **_**"You can just go on to class, Noah, it's all right. I'm used to this, remember?"**_

_**How could I fucking forget? It's my fault you are. "You shouldn't be."**_** He pushed past her into the bathroom, pulling her in and locking the door. **_**"Lemme help. It's not like I haven't seen it all."**_** He smirked suggestively.**

**Rachel blinked, shaking her head as she removed her blouse and sat down, a smile flirting with her lips. **_**"Thank you, Noah."**_** She sighed, tipping her head back into the sink and closing her eyes.**

**Turning the water on, he adjusted the temperature and moved her hair back carefully. **_**I thought we'd never have to do this again**_**. He washed the slushie out gently, massaging her scalp lightly. **_**Her hair's so soft, her skin's so smooth...And those fucking little contented sighs are killing me. "Damn, Rach, do you have to go to class?"**_** He ran his hand down her cheek, trailing a thumb across her mouth. **_**I can think of a billion better things to do right now...  
**_**  
She blushed, opening her eyes and smiling up at him. **_**"I wish. I need to figure out what I'm going to wear, though. That's more pressing than anything else."**_

_**I can fix that.**_** He tugged his hoodie off, smoothing the t-shirt underneath, and handed it to her. **_**"Here, this should keep you out of trouble for a day."**_

**She drew it over her head with a shy grin. **_**"Noah, are you sure? It has your number on it."**_** She tugged the neckline up, taking a deep inhale through her nose.**

_**Fuck...**_**He looked her up and down with hot eyes, the sweatshirt so long as to make it seem it was the only piece of clothing she wore. **_**You wanted to smell my smell, didn't you..."And it looks fucking amazing on you." Fuck, I like you in my clothes. "Quickie."**_** He grabbed her hand to haul her up and sat down in her stead, unfastening his pants one handed and pulling her back in. **_**"You can just say it took you a while to find something to wear..."**_

* * *

Puck blinked, turning his face to the window again. _Sunlight. Daytime. That's at least an improvement._

* * *

_**"Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to Herald Square..."**  
_  
Rachel jumped, old papers and notes scattering. _My cell?_ She grabbed it from the nightstand, frowning quickly at the unfamiliar number. "Rachel Berry."

"Rachel? It's Dr. Dalton, how are you?"

_Oh! Oh my goodness, don't let this be bad news._ "Hello, Dr. Dalton! What an unexpected pleasure to speak with you. I'm well, thank you. How can I be of assistance to you?" She bit her lip. _Please don't say I can't come...  
_  
"Well, I have something of a monumental favor to ask of you. You were anticipating being back in New York Monday, correct?"

She frowned. "Y-_yes_..." _What on Earth does that have to do with anything, exactly?  
_  
"We're holding a recruitment event this Saturday, and we were hoping - could you possibly be back in New York _earlier?_ We'll pay any fees for changing your ticket, we think having some of the students who are already enrolled perform for the parents and prospectives would be instrumental, if you'd pardon the pun, in attracting others to enroll. I understand if you can't, but -"

_"Yes!"_ Rachel looked around her room. _I'm practically done, and it won't cost us anything..."Yes, _Dr. Dalton, I would love to, I'll just need to discuss it with my two fathers, but I don't foresee any difficulty in that." _I'm sure Lori won't mind...  
_  
"Fantastic! Just call to confirm whenever you can. We just want people to know that we're serious about this program, and you, my dear, are definitely proof of that."

_They like me, they want me...Oh, Rachel, this is everything you've ever dreamed. _Pressing a hand to her flushed cheek, Rachel nodded. "Thank you, thank you _so much,_ Dr. Dalton. I'll speak with you soon."

"I look forward to hearing from you. Have a good day."

"Bye!" Rachel heard the dialtone and stared down at the screen_. Lori or my dads first?_ She chewed her lip thoughtfully. _Lori_. Dialing the number with a grin, she listened to the phone ring.

"Hello? Ma, I'm on the _phone!_ Hello?"

"Lori? It's Rachel..." She giggled, hearing more grumbling in the background. _I think I'm going to enjoy her family. _"Is this a bad time?"

_"Rach!_ No, my mom is just trying to convince me that pig's blood stew is delicious. She's been trying for years, ain't happening."

Raising an eyebrow, Rachel crossed to her bed and flopped down. _Pig's blood? _"I don't want to know. Luckily, I will have the Jewish card to play. Which actually brings me to the reason for my call..."

"You need me to find you a temple to go to? Kosher plates? You want to convert."

Rachel laughed, shaking her head. "I am so glad I met you." _A real friend, for the first time in 17 years..._"So, I got a call from Dr. Dalton today, and..." She bit her lip. _I hope it's not an imposition...  
_  
"And...?"

"Would it - could I perhaps -" _Oh, God, what if she says no..._Rachel chewed her lip worriedly.

"Will you just spit it out, Rach?

Rachel grinned, hearing the smile in her friend's voice. "Sorry, I'm still - I'm still _new_ at this 'having real friends' thing, all right?" She blew out a breath. _Well, here goes_. "There's a recruitment event on Saturday for the high school, and Dr. Dalton wants me there to perform. Would it be at all possible for me to come back ear-"

"Yes, _yes!"_ Lori's voice rose in excitement. "Ma! Can Rachel come back early? They want her to sing on Saturday. _Really?_ Thanks, Ma! No, I didn't - I will! I know!"

_What - what was that about?_ "Lori? I take it that's a _yes,_ but..."

"I'm going to school with you!" she squealed.

"You're - you're - _really?" This is - this is unbelievable. When do things _ever_ fall into place for me?_ "Are you serious? You're really - we're really -"

"I'm even performing on Saturday, babe, how do you feel about Indigo Girls? Emmy Rossum? Or maybe some musicals?"

Rachel laughed giddily. _I love New York. This is - this is _right. _This is what I'm supposed to do, and where I'm supposed to be._ "Um, how about Wicked? For Good?"

"Oh, my _God,_ Rach, that's my favorite musical. Yes. Perfect. Oh, I can't wait! I can't wait, I can't _wait_. When are you getting in?"

"Um, I think I might have to ask my fathers." _Damn it._ She rubbed a hand over her forehead. "I don't anticipate it being an issue, however."

"Wait. You mean, you're like - you're almost _packed?"_

_Almost? _Rolling her eyes, Rachel nodded. "Yes, I'm just about _entirely_ packed."

A beat passed between them before Lori asked, "You sleeping at all?"

Rachel scoffed. _Sleep? Try avoiding it like the plague_. "No. Every time I close my eyes..."

"Oh, honey. Bad dreams?"

"Even worse," Rachel whispered. _So much worse_. Pressing a hand to her heart, she continued. "The _good_ dreams. The ones where I remember how amazing we were. And how long I was waiting for him to love me. Would _you_ sleep?"

"Go call your dads, Rach. Come back soon." Lori's voice was gentle, soothing. "Soon, okay? We've got a show to steal."

Rachel hiccupped a laugh, tears springing to her eyes simultaneously. "Soon as I can. I cannot wait." _You can't even begin to imagine how anxious I am to get back to New York..._

"Text me the details, okay? I'll be waiting to hear from you. Bye, babe."

"Bye." Rachel snapped the phone shut, reaching for the house line. _All right, Rachel. They can't say no. There's no reason to keep you here._ She conferenced them in.

Five minutes later, she called Dr. Dalton. Seven minutes later, she texted Lori. _**Landing LGA 8:35 PM.**_ She hit send with a wide smile. _And not a moment too soon.  
_  
As she slipped into bed that night, she smiled grimly. _I'm sleeping through the night this time.  
_  
The Tylenol PM worked like a charm, any dreams she may have had, forgotten when she woke.

* * *

_**Thursday**_

Rachel walked determinedly into the post office, eyes shining. _Almost there. Changing my address to New York, picking up my transcript tomorrow. And then I leave all of this behind like some bad dream._ She approached the window. "Change of address?" _I love the sound of that._ She took the proffered card, moving to the side to fill it in with Lori's address. _New York, New York, 10012_. She pressed a gold star sticker onto it with a smirk, tossing the rest of the sheet into the garbage and returning the card to the clerk. _Who needs a metaphor when I have the dream within my reach? _"Oh!" She stepped back, flushing as she collided with someone entering the post office. "I'm so sorry!" She looked up. _Oh my God_. "Mrs. Puckerman, good afternoon." She smiled automatically and walked past her. _So what, Rachel, it's not like he gives a damn_. She hurried to the car. _He doesn't. _Turning the key in the ignition, she drove away.

_He doesn't._

* * *

"Hi, Ma." Puck closed the door behind him, tossing his keys on the side table. _Thank fuck I'm home, that shit tires me out._ "What's going on? Need help with dinner?"

Ilana Puckerman looked over at her son. "Oh, Noah. How was your day? You and that Quinn girl getting along?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, we're good." _If you don't count the constant fucking nagging to be Finn. Fucking fantastic then._ He peeked in the oven. "Seriously? Roast chicken? It's not _my_ birthday, and it's not _Sarah's_ birthday. What the fuck is up with that?" _Oh, don't you fucking look all innocent with me, Ma, I know your shit too well._ "What happened, what do you want..."

She drew herself up, affronted. "Why would anything have to be wrong, Noah? I might simply want to have roast chicken tonight."

_Seriously?_ Rolling his eyes, he checked under the lids of the pots on the stove. "With red potatoes and broccoli, my favorite fucking meal. Uh-huh." He moved to set the table. _Whatever, I'm sure I'll hear it soon enough._ He grabbed the dishes and the utensils.

"So, I was at the post office today, and who do I bump into - _literally_ - but that sweet girl, that Rachel. And I couldn't help but think -"

_Fucking knew something was up. She's back in town?_ "Don't think it, Ma." He clenched his hand around the fork he was about to put down. _Seriously, don't think of me and Rachel Berry in the same sentence._ "I'm with Quinn now, I told you that. She's pretty and popular and captain of the cheerleading squad. We're together, that's not changing." _It's not. It can't._ He placed the napkins carefully. _She didn't even try to call_...

Frowning, she seasoned the broccoli. "Such a shame," she muttered.

_No fucking kidding._ He shook himself. _Shit, Puckerman. What the fuck do you mean by that shit? _"I'm gonna go change. I'll get Sarah." He headed upstairs, rubbing at his temples to ease his sudden headache. _Why the fuck are you thinking about Rachel, again? Q gave you enough shit for being distracted, good thing she fucking shuts up for sex._ "Sarah, dinner's almost ready." He closed the door to his bedroom behind him, falling face first onto the bed. "Fuck my life." He changed quickly, exhaling as Quinn's floral scent no longer permeated his air. Dinner was blessedly peaceful, and after clearing the dishes, he retreated to his bedroom to stare at his cell phone.

_I'm not gonna call her._

_There's nothing left to say.  
_  
He ignored the murmur of that voice in his head, that insistent buzz that there was something he could say, something he should have said.

_Nothing._

* * *

Rachel rubbed her hands up and down her arms, looking around her bedroom. _Dear sweet Streisand, when did I accumulate so much?_ Boxes were piled in every corner, all labeled carefully. The shelves were cleared, only stray papers and pictures gathered in a corner for her fathers to dispose of. _I'm doing this, I'm really leaving tomorrow with a one-way ticket.  
_  
"You ready for this, baby girl?" Will walked into the room, slipping an arm around her shoulders and pressing a kiss to her head. _I hope you are - because I don't know if I am._ "You know you don't have to go, no matter what."

"Daddy, I'm ready. I already have more in New York than I ever had here." She looked up at him tearfully. _A friend, a place where I'm wanted..._"You know I do."

Will nodded slowly. "I know you do." _That doesn't mean I don't wish things were different._

Dan joined them, arm around Rachel's waist on the other side of her. "Your flight is around 5, right? So we have to get you there around 3 or 4?"

She kissed each of them on the cheek. "Yes, Dad, I would ideally like to be at the airport by 3. I'm just going to stop by McKinley in the morning to pick up my transcript. Apparently in the summer the staff is only in on Fridays. I'll be back no later than noon."

"We both took off tomorrow, pumpkin, so we'll be driving you. It's only that one suitcase and your carry on? You sure that'll be enough?" Will leaned his head on her hair.

"Yes, Daddy, I'm sure. You'll be following soon anyway - didn't the realtor say she already has a place for us?" Rachel hugged them both to her. _Soon, it's all falling into place, for real..._

"She does, sweetheart, in SoHo," Dan replied. "That's where all the artists live, right?" _If we're doing this, we're going to make it the best change we can for you._

"You're both too good to me, you realize that, don't you?" Rachel smiled through the tears in her eyes. _I am so beyond blessed._ "Yes, Dad, it's an artsy neighborhood. It's perfect."

"Well, you and Lori go take a look, let us know. We'll be there in another week or so, all right?" Will kissed her again, releasing her. "Get some rest, Rachel." He left the bedroom with a smile at his husband.

Dan pulled her into an embrace. "Oh, Rachel. Are you okay? I haven't pushed, but I can tell you're still hurting. I hear you moving around way too early in the morning."

With a sigh, she laid her head on his shoulder. "I keep - I keep _dreaming_ here, I stagnate and mourn and replay, over and over. And it never ends up right." _I need to leave this far behind me._

"Then even more reason to get back to New York." He kissed her temple. "Don't tell your father, but I was trying to keep you there. He insisted you had to come back. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

"No, Dad." Rachel pulled slightly from his embrace. "I _did_ need to come back, if only to prove to myself I could, to prove I could handle adversity." She bit her lip. _I can. I don't enjoy it, but I know I can now._ "I know I never have to run away, that I'm strong enough to face my problems. But I have the luxury of a fantastic opportunity and a fresh start, so I don't have to be constantly confronted by my pain." _For the first time, life is actually going my way.  
_  
She glanced at the dresser. _Okay, so I still have one last task_. She kissed Dan on the cheek again, squeezing him. "But thank you, Dad. Anyway, I shall see you tomorrow. I'll be awake for some time yet, my mind is far too active. Might I go for one last drive at some point?"

"Just leave a note so we know, keep your cell on, and don't go too far. You're already leaving tomorrow, no need to put that much distance between you and here tonight." _I'm sure it's something to do with Noah. _Dan rubbed her shoulder, leaving her to her thoughts.

She walked over to the dresser, pulling the drawer open. _It's time_. She carefully extracted the hoodie. _I can't believe he never asked for it back._ Smoothing her hand over the number 20 embroidered on the back, she grabbed her keys. _It's almost 1 AM, he should be home and in bed or at least his room unless Ilana changed her schedule. She works the overnight, Noah has to be home for Sarah. And do _not_ think why you know that_. She looked at herself in the vanity mirror. _Let's get this over with._

She managed the drive without incident, eyes dispassionately tracking her progress. _If only I didn't know how much he paid for this, I wouldn't even bother..._She parked across the street, shutting the lights and engine.

* * *

**Rachel grinned shyly as Noah disposed of the condom, tugging her skirt back into place. **_**A quickie in the ladies room, Rachel? Really?**_** She only grinned wider, looking down at herself. **_**Oh my God! "Noah! It looks like I'm not wearing anything but your sweatshirt!"**_

**He turned a lascivious smile on her, weakening her knees, and dragged her to him again. **_**"The fuck do you think turned me on? You could have property of the Puckerone tattooed on your ass looking like that. Shit."**_** He kissed her hard. **_**"Fucking love it."  
**_**  
**_**No dispute from this quarter. "Noah,"**_** she began, tucking the bottom of the sweatshirt into her skirt to blouse outward, **_**"I am going to be wearing this all day - I will be marked with your number all day. Isn't it bad enough you terrorized a freshman over me?" Not that I'm not thrilled, but...**_**She frowned quickly. **_**"And why did you, Noah? You knew it was an accident, he just wasn't paying attention."  
**_**  
He shrugged, expression turning slightly sullen. **_**"What's it matter? Most chicks would be thrilled to have me defending their honor and shit."**_

_**Oh, Noah...you really don't see you care, do you? **_** Rachel smiled at him. **_**"Oh, Noah, do not mistake me. I am quite flattered to have you as my champion, and it will be my great pleasure to wear your number through these halls. But are you quite certain you're prepared for the attention?"**_** She searched his eyes.**_** I would rather wear an old t-shirt than ruin whatever is growing here.  
**_**  
**_**"Fuck 'em if they don't like it, Rach, it's no ones fucking business but ours. Besides, those skirts? 'Nuff said."**_** He smirked, unlocking the door. **_**"Your public awaits."  
**_

* * *

Rachel brushed furiously at her cheeks. _Damn it, I am_ not _crying over Noah Puckerman again. I refuse._ She looked towards his house, all darkened windows. His truck stood alone in the driveway. Let's get this over with, Rachel. She quietly exited her car, snatching the sweatshirt from the passenger seat. _My public _does_ await. In New York City. _Crossing the street quickly, she reached under the wheel well, finding the little metal box that housed the emergency key. _Told him a million times that wasn't a good idea, not that he listened..._She unlocked the drivers door and slid inside, closing the door as soundlessly as she could. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply_. Oh, Noah...we could have been so..._She held the sweatshirt up to her face for the first time in months, burying her nose in it for a moment while tears coursed down her cheeks. "Just came to say goodbye, love...goodbye," she sang softly. "Goodbye, Noah," she whispered, laying the shirt carefully on the passenger's seat. Smoothing a hand over the vinyl seats, she slid out, locking and closing the door as quietly as she could. _Nothing left here now._ She scrubbed her eyes dry, looking up at his window. _Nothing_.

She ran to her car, speeding off into the night. _New York, I'm all yours..._

* * *

_I'm not fucking calling her._ Puck paused in his contemplation of his cell phone. _What the fuck was that? Sounded like a car door right outside. But Ma won't be home for hours yet. _He launched himself up from the bed, moving to the window. _Tailights heading away. That almost looks like her - nah. Guess that's what I heard, someone getting into a car._ He looked down at the truck, undisturbed in the driveway. _Whatever_. He got back into bed. _Should probably just sleep. Tomorrow I get to go to fucking McKinley with the fucking foursome. Just what I want to do with my fucking time._ He buried his face in the pillow. _And don't you fucking think about those sleepovers with Rachel, Puckerman. She doesn't want to talk to you or she would've fucking called. That's dead and gone.  
_  
_You never replied to her text, asshole_. The voice managed to force its way forward.

_Shut the fuck up. There's nothing to say_. He punched the pillow viciously. _Nothing_.

* * *

_**Friday  
**_  
Puck groaned as his alarm went off, rolling over to slap at it. _Why the fuck do I have to go to that fucking place again?  
_  
_"I say a little prayer for you...Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart –"_

He grabbed his cell with a phone. _Hate that fucking ringtone, last time I'm letting the chick fucking pick it._ Flipping it open with a sigh, he answered, "Yeah, Q, I'm up. I'll be by in an hour." _Yee-fucking-haw. Like I give a shit about this?  
_  
"Well, good, I just didn't want you to oversleep. I've had that issue before." Her voice was slightly annoyed.

_For the last fucking time, I'm not Finn._ "Yeah, well, not with _me,_ okay? So lay the fuck off. I'll see you in an hour." _Good thing you put out now, or I don't know what the fuck we'd have left. _He dragged himself into the shower.

* * *

Rachel took a deep breath as she put the car in park. _This is it, Rachel, one last ministerial task and you are free of Lima, Ohio for the rest of your life._ She stepped from the car with a smile. _And then it's all about New York_. Walking quickly through the main doors, she refused to look around, aiming for the main office. _This school is dead to you, Rachel. The transcript is akin to the death certificate.  
_  
She beamed at the receptionist. "Good morning. I need an official transcript, please? And a withdrawal form." _And that's the last thing I'll ever ask for from this place.  
_  
"A withdrawal form?" A familiar voice drawled over her shoulder. "Finally realized that your lack of social success and any semblance of fashion sense are setting you up for the convent and decided to join early?"

Rachel gritted her teeth, filling out both forms and handing them back to the woman behind the desk before turning around. "Hello, Ms. Sylvester, how..._unexpected_ to see you." _Like a bad penny_...

Sue Sylvester smiled slyly. "Same here, Rachel, but I daresay I come out with the win on this one. You're leaving McKinley? Tell me you're going to Carmel, that would make my life..."

"As a matter of fact, I'm leaving Lima altogether. I've been recruited to anchor a new music program in New York City. I spent my summer at Juilliard." _Take_ that, _you insufferable harpy._

"Rachel?" The receptionist called her attention back. "Best of luck, sweetheart, here you go."

Rachel took the withdrawal form and the sealed envelope with her transcript from the counter, and smiled. "Thank you very, _very_ much." _And we are done. Time of death, 11:26 AM_. Turning back to Sue, she inclined her head. "It has been an experience knowing you, Ms. Sylvester."

_"Likewise,_ Rachel. Likewise." Sue smirked, wheels clearly already turning in her head.

As Rachel left the office, she heard Sue's voice behind her. "Where the hell is Figgins?"

_Sorry, Mr. Schue. Maybe you shouldn't have been so dismissive of my concerns_. She drove home with a smile on her lips.

"Rachel? Honey, is that you?" Dan poked his head out from the kitchen. "We're back here with Diane, the realtor."

"Yes, Dad, it's me. I have the paperwork." _I have everything I need from here, which is to say virtually nothing at all._ She joined them around the table. "I just need to put the 'for sale' sign in the car window and I'm ready to go." _I'll miss that car...probably the _only_ thing I'll miss...  
_  
Dan handed her the sign. "Go on and tape it up, we're wrapping up with Diane now."

* * *

Puck grabbed his keys from the side table he'd left them on, locking up behind him and strolling to the truck. _What the - what the fuck?_ He got in and frowned at the passenger seat, picking up the sweatshirt. _Rachel_...He rubbed the material between his fingers, the smell of her perfume wafting up at him.

* * *

**He watched her walk out of the bathroom into the hallway, her skirt swaying along with her hips and his number riding her back. **_**Fuck, that's sexy as shit**_**. Slinging his arm around her shoulders, heedless of the eyes on them, he whispered in her ear. **_**"I want you wearing that and nothing else later..."  
**_

* * *

He inhaled her scent again, brows furrowed. _When the fuck did she put this in here?_

_Oh shit._

_Last night._

He glanced at the clock and pulled out of the driveway, tossing the shirt behind him. _I have a little time before I have to get Q..._He headed towards Rachel's. _The fuck are you doing, Puckerman?_ He shook off the thought and maneuvered to her block, slowing slightly. All three cars sat in the driveway, along with an unfamiliar Lexus. _Fuck, everyone's home. For sale? Why the fuck is Rachel selling her car? She loves that pink POS._ He looked towards the front door, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. _Fuck, Puckerman, go get your fucking girlfriend_. He peeled off.

* * *

_What in the world was that?_ Rachel frowned, peeking out her window. _That was odd_. Her chest clenched as she watched Diane and Will walking outside to stake the 'For Rent/Sale' sign in the front yard. _And goodbye, Lima..._

* * *

"Oh, _please,_ like those fucking freshmen have a chance against the Puckerone steel over here." He flexed, smirking at Finn and Santana, his other arm around Quinn's waist. "We _ruled_ this fucking school, you know we did." _Yeah, like you give a shit, Puckerman.  
_  
"Coach Sylvester?" Quinn stopped walking, tugging Puck to turn down the hall.

"I'm telling you, Schue, your little fever dream is over, you have no star, you don't even have twelve kids. Give it up!" Sue stood nose to nose with the Glee director. "I'm getting my funding back, and you can return to spending your evenings with washed-up has beens in your living room, singing karaoke and doing each other's hair."

"Sue, I don't know _what_ you're talking about, I just came in to start setting up the Glee room again." Will Schuester ran a hand self-consciously over his hair. "What do you mean I don't have a star?"

"Berry, I saw her earlier today." She smirked triumphantly. "She asked for her transcript and a withdrawal form. Try running Glee without her."

_Transcript? Withdrawal form?_ Puck stumbled slightly, drawing a glare from Quinn. _What the fuck? No, no fucking way.  
_  
"Coach Sylvester? We're here for practice," Quinn interjected.

Sue waved at them dismissively. "Practice, schmactice. I canceled it. Where the hell is Figgins? I've got bigger fish to fry."

_Oh, shit. Selling her car. She - is she actually -_ Puck's stomach twisted, bile rising in his throat. _What the fuck is going on here?  
_  
"Sue, I'm _not_ shutting down Glee, I still don't know what you're talking about!" Will smiled quickly at the four of them. "Rachel hasn't said anything, I haven't heard anything -"

"She's going where all the schnozes go, New York City. Some program or other, who the hell knows or cares. Figgins!" Sue charged off down towards the principal's office, Will hot on her heels.

_Motherfucker. Motherfucker. No wonder she returned the fucking sweatshirt, and - shit. Shit._ Puck swallowed hard, fighting to keep any expression from his face._  
_  
"New York?" Finn scratched the back of his head, shrugging. "Well, she's always wanted it. Weird for her senior year though."

Santana and Quinn both rolled their eyes, laughing.

"Please, that girl would do _anything_ to be a star. And probably any_one,_ even," Quinn said dismissively.

Puck's arm tightened around her waist. _'That girl' is the only fucking reason we're even together._

Quinn turned to him with a small smug smile. "Can I help you?" She pressed herself closer to his body. "Need some physical activity since practice is off?"

He looked down at her, the urge to do _something_ itching under his skin. "You know what? Yeah. Let's get the fuck out of here." _Fuck this, I need to just clear my fucking head. This place is no fucking good for me.  
_  
Letting her eyes go heavy-lidded, she glanced at him sidelong. "You sure you don't want to revisit a dressing room or two?"

_Rachel_...He shook himself. _"Fuck_ no. I've got a perfectly good empty house to make you scream. C'mon." He led her from the school, ignoring the empty ache in his chest. _I want to get as far from here as I fucking can._

_Maybe she did too..._

* * *

"Got everything?" Will looked around her room. "It's pretty empty in here. What are those?" He nodded towards some photos and music on her bed. _You're cutting all ties, aren't you..._

"Nothing, just _garbage_. Shred it, recycle it, whatever you like." Rachel grabbed her rolling bag from the floor. _I never want to see any of that again_. "I have no use for it."

Will glanced down with a frown. "Oh, baby girl..."

"Daddy, _don't,_ it's - it's okay. I'm extremely excited. I have the opportunity to attend school with a _real_ _friend _for once, someone who actually _cares_ about me. This is all going to be a bad dream in a few hours." Rachel gazed at the space she'd lived in since childhood. This _will be the dream, and_ New York _will be the reality, not the other way around. Finally._ "I can't wait to get to New York." _There's nothing left here for me, and everything ahead of me there. _She cracked her window open slightly to let the stale air out. _"Please,_ Daddy, don't worry. I'm feeling better already - like a weight is off my shoulders, an albatross gone from my neck. New York is going to be _just_ what I need."

Will kissed the top of her head. "Rachel, if I didn't think that? You wouldn't be going." _I love you too much to coddle you like that. _He picked up her suitcase. "Let's get you to the airport, Dad and I are going into work this afternoon."

"Let's." _I'm ready_. With one last look around, Rachel followed him down the stairs and out the door.

* * *

"I'll talk to you later." Puck kissed Quinn quickly, nipping lightly at her lips before letting her go. "Have fun with Santana, you can compare notes."

"Ha!" Quinn laughed, sliding out the door. "I've got _pages,_ she's only gotten a peek." She tilted her head, pouting. "And I'm sorry about hounding you about McKinley, I just - it's just nice to be there and not be that knocked up cheerleader."

_"She doesn't love you, she won't, not like I do..."_ Rachel's voice whispered to him and Puck's stomach dropped. "Yeah, it's cool. You made up for it that last ride, I think." He smirked and winked. "Call me later." _And get out of the fucking truck before I throw up.  
_  
Quinn closed the door behind her and Puck pulled away.

_Fuck, Puckerman, you aren't really -_

_Yeah, I fucking am._

He sped through the town, stop signs even more stoptional than usual in his rush. _I know she always wanted to go to New York, but senior year? And not saying anything to anyone? Not even fucking Schue?_ He glanced in the rear view, looking at the sweatshirt in the reflection. _She could've even fucking called, I -_

_You never responded to her, asshole, you never said a fucking word to her. You fucking try to kiss her before prom, what the fuck do you expect?_ He jerked the truck to a halt across the street. "Motherfucker."

A For Sale/Rent sign was posted in the front yard.

_Fuck. She's - fuck. Rachel..._He glanced into the driveway, Rachel's pink Prius with its For Sale sign the only car there. "Fuck this shit." He dialed her number.

"Hello, you've reached Rachel Berry. If this is regarding an audition, please -"

_Motherfucker._ He threw the cell onto the passenger seat, looking up at the darkening sky. _The fuck are you doing, Puckerman?_ He looked around again, seeing no obvious signs of life. _What the fuck am I doing? I don't fucking know. But I have to see for myself._

He jogged across the street, hooking a foot in the trellis and climbing up. _Shit, good job, Puckerman. Hopefully you'll be able to get in the fucking room_. As he neared the top of the trellis, he exhaled. _Oh thank fuck, open window_. He tugged it the rest of the way open and slid inside, looking around.

_Shit._

_Shit._

_Boxes. Closet empty. Everything just fucking - gone._ He stood still, waiting for the room to stop spinning. "Rachel..." He walked over to the bed, seeing a cluster of pictures and papers on it.

A picture of New Directions at Sectionals.

A picture of New Directions at Regionals.

A picture of the two of them, from some random picnic.

And sheet music.

_Rachel Berry, leaving sheet music? What the fuck is -_ He crumpled the arrangement of "Sweet Caroline" in his fist, throwing it into the corner. "Shit, Rachel..._Shit_. What the fuck...what did I..."

_"I love you," she'd whispered.  
_  
_And I fucking walked away. Just like fucking everyone else. And then that fucking kiss...Fuck, Puckerman, what the fuck did you do...  
_  
He sank heavily onto the bed, his head in his hands.

* * *

Rachel positioned the pillow behind her head, shutting her iPod off at the captain's announcement of takeoff. She glanced out the window with a small sad smile, singing softly to herself. "So I'm leaving on a jet plane...don't know when I'll be back again..."

* * *

**A.N.**: *exhales heavily* And there we are. Stupid ffnet won't take my formatting, I'll keep trying to fix it, promise. Almost a week in Lima. Didn't think she'd make it, hmm? Well, let me know what you think...Please? Thank you...


	4. Consequence and Sequence

**A.N.**: I am _so so so terribly sorry_ it took so long to update. I'm trying to juggle three stories at once, and failing miserably. I hope this is worth the wait. As I said before, I am absolutely _**floored **_by the response to this story. It increases with every installment. I hope I don't disappoint. This one turned out more Puck-centric than I expected. Hope that's okay. ;)

Text in **bold **are flashbacks.

_Suggested listening: I Don't Know If I Should Stay, Alexz Johnson; Breathe Me, Sia; Come Round Soon, Sara Bareilles_;_ Sleepless, Kate Havnevik; Even So, Rachael Yamagata_

* * *

**Chapter 3** – **Consequence and Sequence**

_**Saturday**_

Will walked into Rachel's bedroom Saturday morning, shutting the window. Frowning slightly, he picked up the sheet music in the corner. _I don't remember this sheet music crumpled…_He shook his head, sliding the pictures off the bed. _And I could have sworn there were _three _pictures, not _two…Will heaved a sigh. _Must be overtired. _He dropped the two group pictures and "Sweet Caroline" in the trashcan, closing the door behind him.

* * *

**She watched from the wings, the ****smile that lied of loving her on his face, the ****arms that used to hold her hoisting the Regionals trophy into the air. Again. **_**I hope that trophy loves you as much as I did. At least you won't have to worry about your ineptitude when you cuddle with it at night. **_**Rachel rubbed her arms roughly, turning away from Jesse. **_**Son of a bitch.**_

"_**He's an asshole." **_

**The voice behind her stopped her in her tracks. **_**"I'm well aware, Noah." **__**Rachel. He's trying to make you feel better, stop sulking. **_**Sighing, she turned. **_**"But thank you. It doesn't hurt to hear it from someone else."**_

"_**Well, he's an asshole,"**_** Puck repeated, stepping towards her. **_**"And a fucking failure in bed." **_**Smirking, he snagged her by the waist. **_**"Lucky for you, I know of a janitor's closet – **_**don't**_** – don't ask, just hurry up."**_** He smacked her on the ass.**

**Rachel giggled, shaking her head while she blushed and ran**** ahead of him.**

_**"Mmm, I love watching you run, Rach..."**_** He grabbed her from behind, nuzzling his face into her neck...  
**

* * *

"Rach. Rachel. Honey, wake up, it's time for breakfast." Lori shook her. "Only for you…" Clearing her throat, Lori rolled her eyes and sang. "Nobody gonna break my stride, nobody gonna hold me down, oh no, I've got to keep on movin'…"

_What_ _in__ the – where – _Rachel sat upright abruptly, shoving her sleep mask off her eyes. "Oh! Oh, Lori, I'm so – I'm so sorry!" She flinched, just missing Lori's head. "Are you all right?" _These dreams really need to stop._

Lori held her hands up. "I'm good, just – is that what you were talking about? Dreams?"

Rachel sagged back against the pillows. "Yes. This time, it was right after I watched my manipulative ex-boyfriend win the Regionals trophy. Noah wanted –"

* * *

_**"Fuck the trophy. You're gonna**__** have the last laugh here, Rach,"**_** he whispered, tugging her inside after him**** and slamming the door. **_**"We've got five minutes before Schue said we need to be on the bus, and I know I can do a hell of a lot in under five minutes."**_** Puck shoved a hand under her dress, slipping past her underwear to rub against her slick outer lips. **_**"Like **_**this**_**,"**_** he murmured darkly, thrusting three fingers inside her. He plundered her mouth, swallowing the keening noises pouring from her lips. **

_**Cold trophy, hot sex. Hot sex wins. **_**Rachel shuddered and kissed him back hard, her hands snaking down between them to reach into his pants, stroking his cock while she unfastened his belt…**

* * *

"He took my mind off things, he knew what I needed - he just – he was…" _He made me believe he cared…_"I _want_ to fall out of love with him, Lori, I want to so very badly. I _want_ to want Connor, I want to just leave him behind me." Rachel pressed her hands to her eyes. _Maybe not badly enough…_"How do I do that? When every time I close my eyes, I see him? I…_I_ was the one who told him to go, I just – I didn't –" _I pushed him away. _"I feel like I did this to myself."

Lori nudged Rachel over to join her on the bed. "Rach, I get it. He's not _just _an asshole, he's an _idiot_. But, honey – he's an assholey idiot. He's with whatsherface now. Isn't he? And the next freaking day, you said? I hate to give you the tough love, but no matter what you might've said? He's the motherfucker that went from your bed to her in less that 24 hours."

* * *

_**This can't be real.**_** Rachel stood at her locker, pressing a hand to her stomach as she watched the couple down the hall. **_**You were - he was - we - I must be crazy. That's all. I either am currently hallucinating, or last night was a lucid dream. But this can't be happening. It can't be...**_**She swallowed back her bile and watched Quinn lean up to kiss his cheek with a smile, Puck trapping her in place with his body. He spun away and walked down the hall. **_**Turn away, Rachel, turn around. You can't - this -  
**_**  
**_**"Thanks for the advice,"**_** his voice came behind her.**

_**You left me. You made love to me - that's what it was, I swear it - and you left me. For her. After telling me I was crazy to cut things off.**_** She opened her mouth, swallowing past the sour taste in her mouth. **_**You son of a bitch.**_** She clenched her hand around the locker door, ****preparing**** to turn.**

_**"If you hadn't told me to pay attention to Quinn, I would've totally missed this. She really does want me. I should've just listened to you to begin with about all of that. I didn't think you were right, but you were. Sorry I didn't, but better late than never, right? You're fucking **_**awesome**_** to make this no strings."**_** He squeezed her shoulder. **_**"**__**And I'm gonna be smart and take my chance, like you told me to. **__**Thanks, Berry."**_** He walked away before she even saw his face.**

_**"Well, I never thought I'd see that,"**_** Finn's voice drifted past. **_**"Didn't that end up bad last time?"**_

_**"Whatever, what are you doing Friday night?"**_** Santana asked. **_**"I'm guessing I'm free since Q's busy..."**_

* * *

"He came after you, you let yourself feel again, and he shoved it in your face. Rach, it's _okay_ to hate him."

_She's right, Rachel. How many times does he have to leave you in the middle of the night for her until you realize she just wins?_ Rachel bit her lip against the tears in her eyes, turning her face to Lori's shoulder. "I know…and it hurts worse every time I wake up." She looked up at her friend. "Isn't it supposed to get better?" _I want to just leave that all behind...  
_  
Lori kissed her temple, resting her cheek on Rachel's head. "It will, I promise it will, Rach. C'mon, let's get this day started, I'll feed you an extremely _un_healthy but delicious breakfast, and we'll go knock some socks off. You don't know what you're missing until you've had my mom's tapsilog. And then? You've got a real New York debut to get to!"

Squeezing her friend tightly, Rachel nodded. "You're right. Maybe that's just what I need. I need to sing him out of me."

"My iPod?" Lori grinned down at her.

"Your iPod." _I need something completely different._ Rachel sighed and closed her eyes.

Lori grabbed it from the nightstand, chewing her lower lip. _"Oh._ Oh, Rach. I think I've got it."

* * *

_I don't know who this Alexz Johnson is, but this song…this song is perfect. _Rachel leaned into the piano, the soft chords and her voice soaring through the auditorium.

"_A thousand stars,  
__You will have my word,  
__I'm bright enough  
__To fill these cracks…"_

She glanced out into the audience. _They're – they're _rapt, _it's…__this is intoxicating_. Rachel grinned and closed her eyes, the bridge memorized after the first run-through. _This, this verse, this is…_me.

"_I ran to you like water_...  
_I threw my body in_...  
_And I'll stand up on the ocean  
__Just to show you that I am strong, strong_...  
_But what if I am wrong?"_

Exhaling slowly, she opened her eyes again. _Only one way to find out, Rachel. _She found Lori in the crowd and smiled. _And I've already gained something along the way. _Straightening, she sang the last chorus, swallowing against the ache in her chest.

"_A familiar look_...  
_A familiar smile_...  
_Makes it so hard  
__To make a choice_ -  
_I don't know if I should stay…  
__Mmmm, away…"_

Rachel gently picked her fingers up from the keys, the last chord hanging in the air as she turned towards her audience. _And_ this _is the part where the McKinley crowd would snicker..._

The crowd burst into applause, parents swarming Dr. Dalton.

_Success._ Rachel stood, curtsying with a wide smile. _This is where you belong, Rachel. Let it go. _She skipped down the stairs, nodding and blushing as compliments surrounded her. _This is exactly what you should have had. This is it._ _This is where you've _always_ belonged. Lima is just a bad memory now._ She beamed as Dr. Dalton grabbed her to join him.

"This is our anchor, our star, Rachel Berry. We're so fortunate that Rachel was able to join us for her last year of school," he explained to the throng.

"It speaks to the strength of your program, Dr. Dalton," she said with a humble smile. _You were born for this, Rachel._ Turning to the parents, she continued. "Dr. Dalton has a very definite vision of this program, and the real performance focus of it. Not to mention the strength of his ties to the Juilliard School. I was immediately drawn to it, and I am completely confident he can deliver. I was the star of my Glee club back in Ohio, but a chance at a program like this is once in a lifetime." _And it is. This is the start of my new life_. She exhaled, listening to the questions asked of her and answering while a weight lifted. _This is the start of my new beginning. The right beginning._

The feeling floated her through the day, into the first of many blessedly dreamless nights.

* * *

_**One week later...  
**_  
Puck tossed a bag of Doritos into the cart, leaning on the bar with his forearms and steering it into the cereal aisle. _What did Sarah want again?_ He looked down, reaching into his pocket for his cell. How the fuck did I get stuck - The cart stopped abruptly as he crashed into someone. "Oh, shit, I'm…" _Fuck. _Puck swallowed hard. "Sorry, Mr. Berry, I should've been watching where I was going." _You're still here? Shouldn't you be in New York?_ He blinked, shaking his head. _Get your cell phone, Puckerman, keep it moving.__ This fucking funk you're in is getting old.  
_  
William Berry frowned quickly at the familiar face in front of him. _Yes, Noah, you should've._ _You should've paid attention to a lot. __And so should _I, _frankly. I let you into my house, I let you around my daughter..._"That's all right," he said evenly, guiding his cart around Noah's.

"How's Rachel?" Puck squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head and swearing to himself. _Shit, Puckerman, did you _really_ just – Fuck it. _"I heard –" He swallowed hard. _You fucking started_ this, you may as well just ask. "I heard she transferred…to New York?"

"If she wanted you to know, she would have told you." Will stopped with his back to Noah, his voice icy. "Lacking contact from her should tell you all you need."

_Fucking idiot, Puckerman. You really expected he'd tell you shit? She's fucking gone, that's all you're gonna fucking get. _He rubbed a hand over the back of his head, grabbing his cell from his pocket to check Sarah's cereal order. _You didn't fucking respond when she wanted you to, and now it's too fucking late. _"I'm an asshole," he muttered.

Will paused, turning to gaze skeptically at the Mohawked delinquent behind him. "Excuse me?" _You can't be serious._

"What?" _Oh, fuck. You said that out loud, asshole. Fucking figures. _He leaned down over the cart, shaking his head before looking up at Will. _You know what? Fuck it. _"I know Rachel must hate me. I – we - " He glanced up and down the aisle, seeing no familiar faces. "I don't know what she saw in me, but she – we – we just _worked_. I...I just - fuck, I just - it was almost like - " He shook his head. "I don't fucking know, like being in the _Super Bowl_ as the _wild card,_ like you don't know how you got so fucking lucky, but you - you can't even _talk_ about it, it's not even fucking real."

* * *

_**This isn't real.**_** Puck lay awake in Rachel's bedroom, her head pillowed on his chest. **_**She can't – **_**He looked down at her, tucking her hair behind her ear. **_**Fuck, Rachel, why did you say you love me? I don't – you can't – **_**He pressed his head against the pillows, biting back a groan. **_**No wonder why you pushed me away. Shit, Rach…What the fuck do I do now? **_

**Rachel snuggled deeper into his chest, a soft sigh passing her lips. One leg was thrown over his and she wriggled her body closer. **

**Puck kissed the top of her head, inhaling deeply. **_**"Damn it, Rach." **__**We – you – I can't – **_**He wrapped his arms around her tightly, closing his eyes. **_**She said **__**she loves you, Puckerman. She fucking **__**said she **_**loves**_** you. What the fuck are you gonna do?**_

* * *

He shook himself. _Asshole. _"And then...it _got_ real. And I realized that I would only fucking let her down." _That's all I ever fucking do. _"She deserves so much better than me. And even trying to fucking do the right thing, I fucked it up."

* * *

**He slipped from under her body, kissing her temple. **_**It's been…Shit, Puckerman, are you really - **__**Yes, I am, because I can't – this can't fucking go on, not if she – she's thinking – **_**Puck drew the covers over her shoulders, watching her wriggle her way onto his pillow. **_**Fuck. I wanted a chance with Quinn. I have one. A real one. And this is…**_**complicated**_** now. Take the shot. Rachel told you to. So no harm, no foul. **_**He stomped hard on the other voice in his head, ****the one ****whispering of self-delusion. **_**This is like, the bit after the credit in the movies.**__** That **__**last little bit**__** and **__**then it's over**__**. **_**He climbed back out the window, ****taking**** off**** into the night. **_**And it is over. It is. And **__**I'm just gonna take her advice. That's all. **__**That's it**_**.  
**

* * *

_"That's_ me, _that's_ the guy I am. And I fucking _know_ that, okay? I _know_ that. I always fucking have." He rubbed a hand over the back of his head. _Like it didn't fucking kill – __Fuck, Puckerman, stuff that shit, you can't _- "She was the only one who thought different. And I fucking proved her wrong," Puck said quietly. _And I fucked everything up beyond recognition._ "So _yes,_ I know, Mr. Berry. I'm exactly what everyone, including my fucking _girlfriend,_ says I am, a Lima fucking loser." _It's all I'll ever be now.  
_  
_Oh, goddamn it._ Will pinched the bridge of his nose. _Damn it, Rachel, of course. Why would you fall for anyone who wasn't a little broken? Who didn't __desperately_ _need you to love them? _"Noah –"

"I'm sorry to have bothered you, Mr. Berry." _Get Rachel Berry out of your fucking head, Puckerman. She's a ghost. _Puck grabbed the Quaker Oatmeal Squares and moved further down the aisle.

_Goddamn it. _"Noah." Sighing, Will followed him down the aisle. _You're an adult, William, you _know_ better than that. _"Noah, I'm sorry. It's - that's my little girl's _heart_ you trifled with. I can't help but be angry with you. But from everything Rachel said about you – she defends your actions _to this day_ and she'd likely be _appalled_ that I treated you like that – you're much more than you give yourself credit for." Pulling up alongside Puck's cart, he shook his head. "And that, I think, doomed your relationship with Rachel from the start. She believes in you more than you do. So when, knowing my daughter, she tried to love you, you freaked and ran, and now you're stuck in a relationship that's more about status and fear of being alone than about love. How am I doing?"

Puck blinked, dazed. _What the – _"Does that psychic thing Rach has run in the family?" he blurted. _Fuck, I sound like a moron!_ _And don't fucking call her Rach after all this shit, to her fucking father? Get a fucking grip, Puckerman!  
_  
"Psychologist," Will offered. '_Rach__'__, hmm?_ "It's my job to understand people. So? How'd I do?" _I'm guessing about dead on. You poor kid. And, Rachel...he has no clue what he's doing.__ You're still in his head…_

Sighing, Puck rolled his eyes. "I asked if you were psychic for a reason." _Fucking figures her dad's a shrink. _"But I didn't deserve her. I still don't. I don't think I ever fucking could." He swallowed bitterly. "And I'm trying to be a good boyfriend. I swear I am. But sometimes I don't know why the fuck I'm with her."

_Because that's the only way to guarantee Rachel would stay away from you and you from her. You idiot. _Will blew out a breath. "Noah, you need to find the answer to that question. And maybe even figure out why she's with you. Rachel doesn't talk about it, doesn't talk about her. She doesn't talk about a lot of things," he muttered, shaking his head.

_You fucking fail at life, Puckerman. _"I – fuck, I'm sorry. But I still don't deserve her, and I – she'll get over me easy, especially in New York City. Seriously, I swear, she will. And things with Q are – they're really not bad. It's all gonna turn out fine in the end. Rachel…she's fucking _amazing,_ you know she is. And I'm just a jackass." Rubbing a hand over the back of his head, he looked hopefully up at Will. "Should I call her?" _I just want to hear her voice and know she's okay...  
_  
Will raised an eyebrow. _Let's not get ahead of ourselves._ "Do you not recall that you broke her heart?"He reached into his wallet, pulling out a card and flipping it to the back. Pulling out a pen, he jotted down his number as he spoke. _"Do not_ call her. Don't you _dare,_ or I will _hurt_ you. She told me the other day that she just started to feel like _she could breathe,_ so you had best keep your distance from her, Noah. You call _me,_ and if I think you're ready and _she's_ ready? I'll connect you. I promise I will. But not until I think she's ready."

Puck frowned quickly, accepted the business card. _No shit, Sherlock. You've done enough fucking damage, no matter what the fuck you try to tell yourself. _"That's – that's fair. Thanks." _That's probably more than I even deserve._

"You're welcome. Sounds like you have some work ahead of you, and some conversations that need having. I just hope you get there, son, not even for Rachel's sake, but for your _own."_ He clapped Puck on the shoulder, gliding the cart past him and away down the aisle. "Try the Serenity Prayer, Noah," he called behind him.

_The Serenity Prayer? __Something about changing things you can, taking the stuff you can't change__, and the wisdom to know the difference. __Why would I..__.__Huh. Conversations, and c__hange what I can._ He looked at the cell still clutched in his hand. _You know what? __Why the fuck not?_ Dialing quickly, he held the phone to his ear and steered to the register. "Yo, Q. Babe, can we - can we talk?" He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, your boyfriend, Puck? Gimme a damn break, okay? I'll get you in twenty. Bye."

Will glanced over from his checkout line, shaking his head. _Oh, Rachel. __Honey, y__ou sure know how to pick them. That boy might __care about__ you, but he __certainly__ doesn't know what to do with it_.

* * *

Quinn hopped into the truck with a frown. "What's going on? You _know_ tonight is Girls Night, we were going to go through our yearbooks and _redecorate."_ She smirked. "It's like old times."

"I didn't _like_ the old times," he blurted, pulling away from the curb. "Fuck, Q, the old times were I was a _manwhore_ and fucking _Santana,_ Finn was more fucking clueless than a _two year old_ and your heart was rumored to be a lump of _coal._ Why the _fuck_ would you want that _back?"_

* * *

**_"I want you back,"_ Quinn murmured coyly, running a hand over his chest. _"I should never have been so cold to you. What I did to you was cruel, Puck. I can't take it back, but maybe we can do this right, right?"  
_**  
**_Where the fuck is this coming from?_ Puck frowned quickly at the blonde, scanning the hallway. _"Is Ben-Israel filming this or something? Q, you haven't given me the time of day in months. What the fuck changed?"  
_**  
**Rolling her eyes, Quinn stepped closer. "You _did. I didn't give you enough credit as a potential boyfriend, but I see now that I underestimated you..."_**

**Puck scoffed, scanning the hall again. He caught sight of Rachel at the end of the hall, his hoodie dwarfing her minuscule skirt. _There you are. "Q, it's been real,"_ he said absently, heading down the hall towards his quarry...**

* * *

"High school was a fucking nightmare for me, Q. I want to put that shit behind me. I just - I don't get it, I'm with you and I feel like that's still not fucking enough for you. I may not be the smartest, or the best, but I fucking try, okay? I fucking try. I don't always succeed, but I want to be more than just the Lima loser you said I am. I show the fuck up and try. And sometimes I feel like that's more than you fucking bother to do." Puck exhaled heavily. _Holy shit, I can't believe I just said all that..._He peeked out the window behind her, the "Sold" placard over the "For Sale/Rent" sign as he drove past.

Quinn sat silently in the passenger seat, blinking. "What?"

"Q, I don't know why the fuck you're with me. I don't. Is it because Finn's with Santana? Trust me, that shit isn't going anywhere. She'll take him for whatever she wants and drop him when she wants. And you fucking know that. Is that what this is for you? Convenient? Because you have no fucking clue the shit I went through to be with you."

"Oh, please, being with me is still a coup for you, and you know it. I don't know what in the world you're talking about but -"

"My own mother compared me to a fucking Nazi for not going out with a Jewish girl, okay? You have no fucking clue, and you couldn't even be bothered to meet her at graduation."

"She - what? Is - is that - " Quinn blew out a breath, shaking her head. "That's why. You and Berry. The Jew thing. Ugh, that's what that was. It makes sense now."

"Is that why you're here? Some stupid jealousy? Some fucking insecurity?" _I fucked up everything, the only good fucking thing in my life for -_

"No! Seriously? Why would I be jealous or insecure about Rachel Berry?" Quinn rolled her eyes, flicking her hair over her shoulder. "Look, Puck, I told you. I underestimated you, okay? I saw...things. And I realized I didn't give you a chance. I - " She looked down. "If I come across as bossy or bitchy, it's - that's what I had to do, it's like a habit. That's how I had to be."

He pulled into the reservoir lot, cutting the engine with a sigh. "But I'm not Finn, Q! I'm _not_. My name doesn't fucking rhyme with yours, I know every way you can and can't get pregnant, and I know that the square root of pi isn't rainbows, okay? I may fuck up a lot, I know I'm not the perfect boyfriend, but shit, I know I can do better than you think I can."

"Is that really what you think? You really feel like I see that little in you? Why would I waste my time?"

"To have a boyfriend, Q." _Dude, you sound like an asshole!_ He ran a hand over his face. "Look, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cruel, but you don't do single that well. You went from you wanted to do this alone, to being with me, and then dumping my ass when you realized I wasn't gonna be Finn Junior. And then you suddenly come back again, and it's fine for a while, but now we're back to the Finn Junior routine? It's not gonna fucking happen, so quit trying. Either you want to be with me or you want to be with him again, but for fuck's sake, let's just be honest about it, okay? I've wanted to be with you since like...fucking freshman year. But Finn always fucking had you. So I did my thing, I was the bad boy, and you fucking loved it enough to ride it, but then I was non-existent. And I still don't know what the fuck changed your mind."

Quinn wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing her shoulders. "You really think...you really think that little of me?"

_Aww, shit, Puckerman..._With a sigh, he reached out to haul her into his chest. "Fuck, Q, I'm sorry. I - it's more like I think that little of _me,_ okay? Like I can't believe anyone would really want to be with me for any period of time. I just don't get it. I don't see what you see."

"You're the bad boy but you're not all bad. And you wanted me when no one else did. I should've given that more credit. But I just...I didn't see you clearly, but once you started opening up at school, in Glee...it was like I saw you for the first time. You changed, Puck, I don't know how or why but you did."

He bit his lip, shaking his head as he tucked her head under his chin. _I know why. And then I chased her 532 fucking miles away. And I'm here with you._

* * *

_**"Does that offer still stand, Q? That offer to try again?"**_** Puck leaned into her, watching her eyes dilate. **_**I say it does.**_** He ignored the knot in his stomach. **_**"I should've taken you up on it sooner."  
**_**  
Quinn looked up at him coyly, turning to close her locker and back to him. **_**"You should've. You're lucky I haven't found anyone else who catches my eye."  
**_**  
Puck braced his arm on the lockers, pinning her between him and the metal. **_**"Who could compare to Puckzilla?"**_** He smirked, rubbing his leg against hers.**

_**"No one,"**_** Quinn whispered, biting her lip. **_**"Friday?"**_

_**"Sounds like a plan, babe."**_** The knot in his stomach increased to a churning as he smirked at her.**_**  
**_**  
She leaned up and kissed his cheek with ****a**** smug smile.**

**Puck turned aside to let her pass, letting his eyes scan the hallway, seeing Rachel at her locker. **_**Fuck. What do I - Fuck this shit, Puckerman, she doesn't know you heard shit and you go with that. No strings, that's what we said, and that stands**_**. He licked his lips. **_**Just remind her of it, she'll be fine.**_** He swallowed the lump in his throat to speak. "Thanks for the advice," he said lightly. **_**Don't turn around.**_

**He watched her hand go white-knuckled around the metal door of her locker. **_**Talk fast, Puckerman, and get the fuck out. Like a bandaid. Just tear that fucker off. "If you hadn't told me to pay attention to Quinn, I would've totally missed this." I'm going to miss this.**_** He squeezed his eyes shut, a quick shake of his head. **_**"She really does want me. I should've just listened to you to begin with about all of that." I should never have come over last night. Damn it. "I didn't think you were right, but you were. Sorry I didn't, but better late than never, right? You're fucking awesome to make this no strings." That's what this is. No strings. That's what we said. I'm going with that, I have to fucking believe that. Casual, Puckerman, you're almost there...fuck, I want to - I can't - if I touch her -**_** He reached a hand out to rest on her shoulder****, squeezing****. **_**Rachel…**__**"And I'm gonna be smart and take my chance, like you told me to." Because I can't stay. I can't. "Thanks" - don't you fucking**__** dare**__** call her Rachel - "Berry."**_** The name was bitter on his tongue, ****moving**** away before she could turn. **_**If I look **__**you**__** in the eyes, I'm a fucking goner. And I'm not gonna fuck up your life like that. I'm not. You deserve better than me, but Quinn and I - we're both fucked up enough that it works. Don't love me, you can't**__**, you shouldn't**__**. And now...**_**He glanced behind to see her slam her locker shut and run into the bathroom, hanging his head and exhaling shakily. **_**And now you won't.  
**_

* * *

"I'll be better, I promise," Quinn whispered. "I just - I don't know how to be in a relationship without having to be in charge all the time. But I swear, I'll try."

Puck hugged her tighter, squeezing his eyes shut. "I will too." _Change what you can and know the difference. I can change this. The other is...it's too fucking late. Focus on what the fuck is in front of you, Puckerman._ "I will too."

* * *

_**Late August  
**_  
"Noah! Dinner!" Ilana called upstairs. "And you should hear me, that door should be open with Quinn here."

Puck groaned. _Fucking Jewish mothers._ "Yeah, Ma, I hear you. We're coming." _Well…more like…_He turned to Quinn with a smirk. "Maybe not _exactly_ how I want, but..." Kissing her again, he lifted off her. "Might want to get your clothes on, Q."

Quinn glared at him from under the covers. _"You_ started it, Noah! Not my fault you're..._persuasive."_ She grabbed her dress from the floor, digging in his sheets for her underwear.

Puck pulled on his jeans and threw on a shirt. "Sarah's out and Ma wasn't coming upstairs while she's cooking that roast chicken. Why the fuck _not?"_ He grinned. "C'mon, it's my favorite." _Which, yeah – why the fuck is she making it tonight? Not the first time Quinn's been over for dinner. Whatever. _He cracked his neck, a chill creeping down his spine. _The fuck is up, Puckerman?_ Shaking his head, he smacked her on the ass and ushered her down the stairs.

Ilana rolled her eyes, gesturing to the table. "Sit, sit, both of you. Oh, Noah, I'm sorry, just move the Lima Observer, it just came today, I was looking at it while I was cooking. It has that Rachel in it, I think. Berry, right?"

"Yeah." Puck rounded the table. "Is it just an article or what?" _Is there a picture?_

"Oh, an article, in the announcements section," she called through the kitchen. "I think it might still be open to it."

Quinn leaned over the table to peek at it. "_'Rachel Berry Recruited'?_ What, she was drafted for something?"

Puck picked up the paper, skimming. _Rachel Berry...recruited...Juilliard - shit, I _knew_ that's where she was - pilot program...anchor...new charter school...star..._"She's the star of a new program at some high school in New York City. That's why she transferred." Folding it carefully, he placed it on the coffee table in the living room. _Wait. Holy shit. _That's_ why she transferred. Not _me_. It's Rachel, she couldn't turn it down. She just - fuck, she probably didn't want any shit about being a traitor and just ditched town._ Glancing back into the kitchen, he rubbed a hand over his mouth. _Maybe it wasn't - maybe it wasn't really -_ Puck took out his wallet, reaching in behind his license. _Still there..._

"Noah, _come on,_ dinner!" Quinn called after him. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Puckerman, you know he loses focus."

Ilana laughed. "Oh, I know. I'm used to it. You all right, Noah? It's a _newspaper,_ not _that_ difficult to put it away."

_Says you. _Puck rolled his eyes, sitting next to Quinn and grabbing a plate. "I was looking, Ma, you'd think you'd be happy I'm showing interest in our community."

"Ha! The _last_ time I tried to talk about that girl, you told me in no uncertain terms not to mention her ever again," Ilana muttered, passing the potatoes.

Quinn pecked him on the cheek with a smile, dinner passing pleasantly.

An hour later, he took the return trip to Quinn's. "See you tomorrow, babe." Puck waved as she walked towards her front door. _Finally. _Biting his lip, he picked up his cell phone and pulled out the business card.

* * *

Rachel grinned at her fathers. "So then Lori falls _asleep_ on me! Fortunately I had done my research and knew that Long Beach is the last stop. I woke her, and we had the most _splendid_ day." _I'm finally enjoying my life._ "The sun was shining, the beach is beautiful -"

"And so is the guy who was hitting on you!" Lori poked her, laughing. "I know she won't tell you this, guys, but Rachel was getting scoped like nobody's business. It was kind of hilarious! Do you know she gets all _uppity_ when guys approach her?"

Blushing furiously, Rachel smacked Lori on the arm. "I should never have told you that I share everything with my fathers!" _I wasn't exactly intending on sharing all of that with them…_She turned back to the men lounging on the sofa. "I'm just..._unused_ to the attention. And especially the...the _whistling_. It's some strange mating custom in New York, I suppose."

"Yeah, well, whatever. That didn't matter once the right guy approached you." Lori waggled her eyebrows. "Or um, _you_ approached _him…" _Lori turned back to the Berry men. "You'll never guess who we ran into at the beach. Never. In a million." She paused expectantly. "So, Rachel is _totally_ checking out this guy with a guitar -"

"I most certainly was _not!_ I was intrigued by someone actually bringing a _guitar_ to the _beach_ -"

_"And_ the muscular arms _holding_ the guitar!"

_**"Your arms are lovely,"**__** she'd said.**_

Rachel shook herself. "I am a _musician__, _a _performer_. It was merely _professional_ interest."

"Until he turned around."

_Lori! _ Rachel bit her lip, flushing again. "Well, at _that_ point, it was -"

"It was _Connor,_ our RA at Juilliard, the one who was apparently totally crushing on Rach _alllllll_ summer."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel huffed indignantly. "I don't know that it was _all_ summer, Lori, I do believe you're exaggerating." _Though he was quite the gentleman…Patient and kind…_

_"As if!_ Dude, when he turned around, I thought he was going to forget how to _breathe."_ Lori turned to Dan. "The boy takes _one look_ at her and jumps up and runs over, hugs her without even saying _hello_ to me, picks her up and swings her around. And then is all beside himself that she didn't call him when she came back here, and _insists_ that he has to take her to dinner..." The last was singsongy while she poked Rachel in the side.

_And it was nice. _Rachel grinned. "All right, _fine_, so he was massively pleased to see me, and perhaps he isn't displeasing to the eye -"

"Oh, come _on,_ Rach, that is one _fine_ mocha man, and especially with your fathers, I could _definitely_ see you with a guy like that..."

Will chuckled as Lori continued regaling them with their day, pointing to his vibrating cell phone as he stepped away from the group in the living room. _Who could be - that's odd, that's a Lima area code._ "Hello?" He walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of wine. "Hello, William Berry." _Must be a wrong -_

"So it...it wasn't because of me?"

Will took a breath, shaking his head. _Good evening to you too, Noah_. "Whom am I speaking with?"

Puck smacked his forehead. _Dude, get a fucking grip._ "I'm sorry, Mr. Berry, this is Noah Puckerman. I - you gave me your number. I just - I saw - I read - " _Fuck, how about a complete sentence, asshole?_ Exhaling heavily, he tried again. "I just read the Lima Observer, and saw that Rachel was recruited to a charter school in New York City. And I - I just - I wanted to know if...if her leaving...it - it wasn't because of _me?"_

Shaking his head, Will sipped at his merlot. _That's a question? Really? Or are you just hoping I'll absolve you so you don't have to feel guilty anymore?_ "Entirely? No." _Don't expect me to sugar coat this for you._ "The program was serendipity for Rachel. She was already heartbroken, Noah. This just gave her a place to go." He paused, letting his words settle. _Actions have consequences. You need to learn that now. They have consequences, and some you just can't take back. _"But you already _knew_ that, son. So what do you _really_ want to know?"

Puck leaned back in the seat, looking out his car window at her darkened bedroom. "Is she..." _What _do_ you really want to know?_ "Is she _okay?"_ He rubbed a hand over his head. _Does she hate me? Would she speak to me? Fuck, Puckerman, why does that matter? Serenity Prayer, remember? Cannot change. Cannot. _"Can I at least talk to -" _Dude! Why are you even asking?__ You might want to fucking _think _before you speak, jackass…__  
_  
"No." Will swirled his wine glass, peeking through the archway into the living room at Rachel chatting animatedly. "I'm sorry, Noah, but _no_. Rachel - she's in a good place right now, but she's still fragile. I won't do that to her. I'm sorry. When you lead with it not being your fault she left Lima? No." _Because Rachel_ will _tell you it's not your fault, and fall apart all over again. _"You're going to have to do better than that."

Puck swallowed hard. "I never meant to hurt her." _I didn't, I swear_..."I just - she's too good for me, she deserved better, and that's why I had to - I had to _do_ something, I couldn't just -"

"She met someone, Noah." _I'm not ruining today for her, not for you to feel better_. "She met someone, and she's excited, and she's starting school soon. I'm sorry, but now is _not_ the time." _You couldn't just what? You couldn't just talk to her instead of tossing her aside? I know you don't believe in yourself, but that's just unacceptable behavior_. "When it's more about _her_ and less about _you,_ call me back."

_She - she -_ Inhaling unsteadily, Puck turned the truck back on. "She...that's...that's good." _Some other guy. Some other _fucking_ guy_. "Yeah, now wouldn't be the time. You're right. I'm - I'm sorry to disturb you. I just - tell her - if - tell her congratulations on all of it. She deserves it." _Some other guy touching her. Some other guy kissing her._ "I - thank you for even - thank you for talking to me." _Some other guy holding her. Some other guy making her smile, making her laugh..._

Will drained his wine, closing his eyes. Oh_, Rachel. You always did love __your projects__._ "Noah, listen. I'm not trying to be cruel or insensitive. I know that this is tough for you. But you need to figure out what you want, what you need, and why you're so desperate for absolution here. I'm not going to give it to you. And Rachel _would,_ even as it broke her own heart." _Which is why there is no way you are speaking to her tonight._ "You _know_ that. You know her well enough. If this were a _happy_ move, if this were her only wanting to further her career, she would be singing it from the rooftops of Lima, not sneaking away before anyone knows she's gone. You're in a relationship. She's trying to move on. You have to have something to offer her before I even consider letting her speak to you. She's never even going to know you called."

Puck rubbed a hand over his chest. _She – some other – she'll never know I – Fuck, Puckerman, get a grip. _"I know, and I don't - it's the right thing to do. Especially -" He bit back the dry heave that threatened. _She met someone else. She's happy_. "I, uh...I did what you said. I'm trying to take some more control of my life. And it's - it's really not that bad here. I think maybe I can - I can be better. She's been right about everything else, so maybe - I've been trying."

Crossing to the fridge, Will poured himself another glass of wine. "That's good. You can only control so much in your life, it's good to control what you can, change what you can."

"Yeah." _The way she whimpers, the way she nuzzles in when she's coming down off that high..._"Thanks again, I, uh - I should go." He pulled to a stop in front of Quinn's house.

"Noah. I _do_ mean it. You _can_ call back. At some point this _does_ need to be resolved between you two." _Just not tonight_. Will sipped his wine again, shaking his head quickly at Dan in the doorway. "Hopefully things _continue_ to get better."

_That broken shuddering breath, her eyes all dark and hot..._Puck pursed his lips, pressing his hands to his eyes. "I hope so, Mr. Berry. Thanks again." He hung up.

* * *

Will closed his cell, waving Dan into the kitchen. _I'm just as soft-hearted as Rachel_. "Remember I told you I ran into Noah at the grocery store before we left?"

Dan snagged a glass for himself, pouring and frowning. "Yes..."

"And I told you I gave him my number?"

"Right...hoping that at some point he would get a clue and call for her." _Oh!_ Dan looked at his husband wide-eyed. "That was -"

Will shook his cell. "Yes, that was. He wanted me to tell him it wasn't his fault."

"He _what?"_ Dan grabbed for Will's phone. "I'm going to give that little -"

Will pulled his phone back, glaring at his husband. "Would you keep your voice _down?_ I already _did,_ honey, you don't think I would tell him where to go and how to get there?"

Sitting back in his chair, Dan sipped at his wine. "I'm the doctor, I can punch him in the face and then fix him. You're the _psychologist,_ you try to fix people's _heads__."_

"So does our _daughter,_ apparently. That boy...Dan, he's a _mess_. It's - I don't even know what to say."

"Well, you're certainly not saying anything to her!"

Rolling his eyes, Will shook his head. "Dan. _Please_. You just said I'm a psychologist and then accuse me of being an idiot. Of course I'm not going to say anything to her." _Maybe if he calls again. Maybe.  
_

* * *

Puck dialed the familiar number, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. _C'mon, c'mon…pick the fuck up…_"Q? I couldn't stay away - can I – can I come up? Or meet me at the hot tub?"

Quinn grinned, biting her lower lip. "There's a trellis up the back of the house. Climb up, I'll open the window."

Flipping the phone shut, Puck slipped quietly around the house, finding the trellis easily. _Had to be a fucking trellis, huh?_

**Her room, empty.**

He climbed in quickly, sliding into the room easily and wrapping his arms around Quinn, kissing her urgently.

_Someone else's mouth on hers.  
_  
"Noah, what -"

"Don't talk," he murmured between kisses. "I'm not even supposed to _be_ here."

_**I'm not even supposed to be here,**_** he'd said.  
**  
He tore her nightgown over her head, tossing it into the corner as he stripped and pulled her close.

"Mmmm, you really _couldn't_ stay away, could you," she sighed, wrapping her arms around his neck while he nipped and nibbled his way down her body.

_**You can't just fucking walk away,**_** he'd protested, satisfaction deep and dark at finding her wet with desire.**

_But I did. I fucking walked away and now -_ He bit back a groan, tossing her onto the bed while he rolled on a condom and crawled on top of her.

**Cool hands on his body, warm mouth on his, turning them over to ride him****, slow enough to drive him insane****.  
**  
Puck grabbed her breasts _too small, too pale_ and rammed his cock inside her, catching his breath while Quinn shuddered beneath him.

"Mmm, Noah," she whispered, hands framing his face as she arched up, his hips pumping furiously against her.

_**"Noah..."**_** The look on her face, her orgasm sweeping through her.  
**  
He planted his hands on the mattress and pounded her harder, faster.

_Someone else inside her...someone else making her cum...  
_  
Puck gritted his teeth, feeling Quinn fall apart around him. Her inner muscles milked him, pulling his orgasm from him. _Rachel..._Closing his eyes, he thrust deep, lowering his forehead to Quinn's and emptying himself into the condom. _Damn it, __Rachel...  
_  
Quinn sighed, smiling lazily. "Mmm, that was..._amazing,"_ she murmured quietly.

_**You're amazing, Rach,**_** he'd assured her, rolling her under him to ****take her again…**

He held the condom in place, withdrawing carefully and leaving Quinn's bed. "Yeah." _Then why the fuck __don't__ I__ feel any fucking better__? _He crossed to the garbage can, disposing of the evidence._  
_  
"Noah?" Quinn sat up, clutching the sheet to her body. "What's _really_ going on? Is it your _mom?_ I thought dinner went well -"

"I write music," he blurted, turning back towards her. "Original stuff. Lyrics, guitar, everything." _Dude. What the fuck are you doing?_

Blinking, Quinn smirked at him. _"Seriously?_ You never told me that."

"I never told _anyone." But she noticed anyway._ Puckerman. _Fucking _focus_._

"That's so cute! Write me a song sometime," she whispered. "But we have to get you out of here." Dragging the sheet around her, Quinn started handing him his clothes. "Come on, come back in the morning, all right?"

**Her hand, smoothing the creases from his forehead. **_**I love you, **_**she'd whispered.**

_I wish I _had _been asleep. _Puck blinked, the thought loud and clear. _What the fuck? _He grabbed Quinn's wrist. "Quinn. I – do –" _Fuck, I can't believe I'm going to fucking say this – _"Humor me, okay? We've been together for like, almost a fucking _year,_ and I'm no fucking pansy, I'll fuck you _again_ if I have to but –" _Say it or shut the _fuck _up._ He blew out a breath. "Do you love me? Or like, is this just – just fun? I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind, the sex is fucking awesome, but I – I don't even fucking know, forget I said -"

"O-Of course," Quinn whispered. She laid her other hand over his. "How could we have been together for this long, and – and you're the only person I've ever slept with – Of _course _I do. Do – do _you?_" She frowned at him expectantly.

_No. _He forced a smile. "As much as you love me, Quinn."

_**"It breaks my heart to know that she doesn't, Noah. She won't. Not like I do…"**_

He kissed Quinn one more time before climbing back out the window.

* * *

Rachel lay in bed that night, twirling her cell phone with a grin. _I did it. I actually did it. _She flipped the phone open to read the message again.

_Friday night. 8 o'clock. Lombardi's. Real NYC pizza. Can't wait._

_Connor._

* * *

**A.N.**: Please don't lynch me. I'm a nice person. I swear. Trust me. No, seriously. TRUST ME.

Review?


	5. REvolution

**A.N.**: Look, it's an update! :) I'm hoping to update once a week, we'll see if that works. You may also want to keep an eye on my LJ (see my profile) to see what else I'm working on. I'm juggling this, a smutty serial on LJ, and an original novel. Plus, you know, there's that whole job thing, and the family thing, and the boyfriend thing, and me...LOL. I eat lunch at my desk and don't sleep.

Text in **bold **are flashbacks.

_Suggested listening:_ _Through Glass, Stone Sour; Quiet, Rachael Yamagata (quoted herein); Wreck of the Day, Anna Nalick; Darkness 'Round the Sun, Alexz Johnson; Broken, Elisa; Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, Sarah McLachlan (quoted herein)_

_**Special shout out to "S": **Your review on the last chapter made me grin all day long. Wish you weren't anon. _

**Chapter 4: (R)Evolution**

* * *

"You can't be serious, Rachel. _Knee socks?_ On a _date?"_ Lori rolled her eyes, snatching them from her hands. _"No_. Flats, I can let you get away with. You're not a New Yorker yet, so hoofing it around the city in heels isn't part of your repertoire. But no knee socks." Grinning, Lori held them over her head. "With God as my witness, you will _never _wear knee socks _again!"_

Rachel sputtered indignantly. "They're a -" _They're a_ what, _Rachel? You're in_ New York City. _You can be whomever you want_. "They're a thing of the past." _They're Rachel Berry from Lima, Ohio. And you know what?_ Crossing the room to her dresser, she removed the drawer entirely, passing it to Lori. "Edit. Go for it. Before I change my mind." _Fuck her._

* * *

Puck strummed idly, scribbling on the staff paper in front of him. _That sounds good_...A knock on his bedroom door had him looking up. "Oh, hey, Q." He put the guitar down, flipping the sheet music over quickly. Kissing her brusquely, he gestured her over to the bed. "Sorry, babe, I didn't realize what time it was."

Quinn rolled her eyes with a grin. "Your mom let me in, it's fine. What are you doing?" She reached for the overturned papers on the other side of the bed. "Aww! Seriously? You're _writing _something? Play it for me." She held the papers out to him. "Come on, _please?"_

"It's not ready yet," he grumbled, grabbing the sheets back. _And it fucking _won't _be for _you,_ since it's not _cute. _Cute_. He moved the guitar off the bed, putting the unfinished piece on the dresser.

Frowning, Quinn grabbed the small book from his pillow. "Um, bird-watching? Seriously?" She looked over at him skeptically. "Noah, tell me I'm hallucinating, or there are naked girls in here."

He snatched it from her hands, tossing it on the nightstand. _Shit_. _I've fucking lost it, leaving fucking _everything _around._ "I can have hobbies that don't include porn, all right? Thought it was cool."

"Huh?"

"Don't you ever just want to get out of Lima? See more than just this, all the time?"

**Broadway, just like she always wanted**...

Puck shook himself. "I just - I dunno, it seemed like something cool, to see what else is out there and still come home. And birds do that, okay? So, yeah, whatever, I kind of know stuff about them. I'm not just a dumb jock, or I'm trying fucking hard _not _to be."

**The **_**belief**_** in her eyes as she'd told him he could fucking be someone, alcohol unleashing a flood of hurt and heartache.**

Quinn raised an eyebrow. "Speaking of that, your mom mentioned she was going out...and I don't see Sarah around..."

_That's 'cause she hates you_. "This is all true," he murmured. "What did you have in mind?"

Quinn leaned back on her elbows on the bed. "What do _you _think?"

* * *

Rachel shifted nervously from one foot to the other, fighting the urge to bite her lip._ Lori spent too much time on my makeup for me to ruin it before Connor gets here. This is just pizza. And it's Connor. You know Connor. You've spent time with you. You even - _She closed her eyes, pressing a hand to her lips. _You even -_

"Tell me you're thinking of me," a deep voice came over her shoulder.

_Oh my -_- "Connor!" Rachel blushed and whirled. _I can't believe _- "I - I was -" -_ just remembering how soft your lips were before I ruined it by thinking of him._

Shaking his head, Connor looped an arm around her waist. _"Nu-uh_. Don't tell me. I like thinking you were thinking of that kiss. Pizza?" He led her inside, pointing to a table further from the counter. "Their pizza margherita is excellent."

* * *

Puck nodded absently. _Wait. Shit. I was supposed to be listening._ "I'm sorry, Q, what?"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Get back to your birds and your guitar, call me tomorrow." She kissed him on the cheek. "Good night, Mrs. Puckerman!"

Ilana stuck her head out of the kitchen."Good night, dear." She frowned at her son. "Everything all right? Or are you chasing off another girl?"

_I don't give a shit_. "It's _fine,_ Ma, relax." Rubbing a hand over his forehead, he looked over at her. "Would it be so bad anyway? You were pissed she wasn't Jewish for the longest."

Shrugging, she ducked back into the kitchen. "I know she's not _perfect,_ Noah, but she seems like a good girl. It's not _so _bad. Why?"

Chewing his inner cheek, he shook his head, pulling his cell from his pocket. "No reason, Ma. Don't worry about it." _Should I?_ Puck flipped it open, skimming his thumb over the numbers. _That's weird, isn't it? Hi, I know I used to fuck your daughter and I kind of ran her out of town, but do you think a chick being a good lay and almost believing in you is a good enough reason to stay together? You really need someone to tell you that, Puckerman?_

* * *

Rachel closed her eyes, smiling as she chewed the slice of pizza, a low moan of pleasure humming from her throat. "I _never _eat dairy," she confessed with a shake of her head.

**Clutching the red cup**_**, "Never have I ever had a **_**real**_** orgasm from someone else," **_**Kurt said, Puck's eyes hot on hers as her cup stayed down.**

Connor looked at her, quirking an eyebrow. "Seriously? You do realize that you're not constantly on call, right? You can have a milkshake or something and be _fine _by the time you perform."

"I usually just drink a grape -" Rachel sucked in a breath. _No slushies here, Rachel. Leave that behind too._ She tilted her head, a half-smile growing. "You know what? You're_ right."_ Lifting the slice, she bit into it happily. _Who says you can't reinvent yourself? I think I may just._

"I can't believe I ran into you in _Long Beach,_ of all damn places," Connor teased. "I almost didn't go, but I didn't want to sit inside on a gorgeous day. And lo and behold I find a gorgeous _girl_. Again." He grinned at her. "You've got -" He reached across the table to brush flour from her cheek.

_Oh!_ Rachel blushed furiously, lifting her hand to his while she looked into his eyes.

**Noah's hand, tucked under her cheek in the darkness of her room.**

Rachel kept her gaze steady on his, the sensation of his hand on her setting her skin tingling. _This isn't bad. This isn't bad at all._

* * *

"How do you think it's going?" Dan looked up at Will from his perch on his husband's shoulder. "We shouldn't have stopped her?"

Will sighed, kissing Dan on the forehead. "No, we shouldn't have stopped her. And I'm sure she's fine. It's pizza with someone who _adores _her, apparently. I trust Lori's assessment on that."

Nodding, Dan nuzzled into Will's neck. "She's a good girl, I'm glad Rachel has her."

"I know, me too. She's needed a friend -" _On a Friday night?_ Groaning, Will slid his cell from his pocket. _Oh_..."It's Noah."

"What? Does he have some sort of surveillance? She's on a date..." Dan gestured to him._ "Answer_ it!"

Puck paced his bedroom, cursing under his breath. _Seriously? I should just hang up at this point, there's no fucking - _

Hissing out a breath, Will hit the "accept" option on his phone. "Hello?"

_Oh, shit!_ Puck licked his lips. "Mr. Berry? It's...It's Noah Puckerman, I'm sorry to bother you, but I - I need some advice, and I - shit, how fucked up is this, but I really don't think I can ask anyone I know but...but _you."_ _Way to sound like a pathetic asshole, Puckerman_. "Not that I don't have friends, and I tried to talk to my mom, but - even she doesn't...she doesn't get it." _She doesn't get _me.

Will frowned quickly at Dan. "No, Noah, it's - it's fine, what's going on? Are you all right?"

_No_. "I - this is - shit, I really didn't think this through. Mr. Berry, I'm sorry, but I just - I need to hear it. If you're trying to have a relationship with somebody, you shouldn't _lie _about loving them, right? You should have more than just smokin' se- chemistry and status, right? That sounds so fucking _stupid _to have to ask."

Will closed his eyes, pressing a hand over them. _Therapy over the phone_. "Why does that sound stupid?"

"Because I _know _that, I'm not an _idiot,_ I _know _there's supposed to be more than that. You're supposed to _depend _on each other, and _care _about each other."

**Fingers through his hair, rinsing slush and corn syrup away in the bathroom...a look in the hallway, half apology, half hurt.**

"You're supposed to enjoy each other's company."

**Toned olive skinned legs dangling into the pool as he cleaned that one summer together, talking about everything and nothing.**

"They shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself, or underestimate you."

* * *

**He spun her with a smug smile. **_**"Don't know why the guys talked you into this. Slow dancing is easy. Prom is gonna kick ass," **_**he'd bragged, spinning her back into his body. **_**Don't know what the fuck **_**you're **_**doing here, Puckerman. You're fucking playing with fire. **_**The knot in his stomach tightened, the smell of her, the feel of her skin, clawing at him.**

**Rachel turned to smile back at him. **_**"Noah, you know I've always believed you could do anything you wanted. The boys…they were worried about it. But **_**you**_**…Noah, why -"**_

_**Because of you. Fuck, Rach, I'm here because of you. **_**He dove in to claim her lips, tiling his head to delve his tongue between her lips. **_**What the fuck was I thinking...**_**Puck turned her body into his, hands releasing her waist to move up to her face -**

**- as she shoved him away, running from the room, door slamming shut behind her.**

**He dropped his head in his hands, shoving a chair aside as he moved to the back of the room to punch the wall. **_**You fucking asshole, Puckerman. You kiss her in the middle of a fucking dance lesson you don't need to go, for a prom in two weeks that you're going to with a girl that isn't her - your **_**actual **_**girlfriend. You stupid son of a bitch.**_

* * *

_And you fucking knew even then, you asshole, but you let her - _Puck shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose with a rough exhale. "They should make you feel _better _about yourself, not worse."

**Bright brown eyes that looked at him like he could conquer the world.**

_You let her go_.

* * *

_This was - this was _fun. "Would you - would you like to come up?" Rachel smiled up at her date. _This is how it should be._ "My fathers have heard so much about you, thanks to Lori. They'd love to meet you." _And I think I'd like them to. I want them to know I'm okay. And I am. I _am.

Connor grinned. "Meeting the parents on the first date, Rachel? Moving fast, huh?"

_If you only knew..._Giggling, she rolled her eyes. _I still don't quite know why I even agreed to dinner._ "Oh, that's me, absolutely. You caught me." _But I'm glad that I did, actually._

"If only," he teased. "I'm still in the friends zone, I haven't caught anything yet." He took her hand, intertwining their fingers._ "Yet."_

_Oh, no..._Her heart pounding, Rachel met his gaze. _He sounded a little too - _"Connor -" _I'm not - I can't -_

"Rach, _relax_. I'm kidding. Happy to take your lead, don't worry about it." He squeezed her hand. "Doesn't mean I'm not going to try to..._encourage _you to speed up that timeline, but you won't get any _pressure,_ okay? You're worth it."

_**"Thanks, Berry," **_**tossed carelessly back at her, her heart shattering as she realized there were no strings attached for him.**

"I _am,_ aren't I?" _He's the one who walked away, Rachel, he's the one who has the problem, _not _you._ She beamed at him, squeezing back. "Come on."

* * *

"Well, if you already know that, son, what do you need me for?" Will shook his head at his husband. _He's just realizing he made a mistake, poor kid._ "You sound like you have a grasp of what a successful relationship should be."

"How do I get out of this?" Puck ran a hand over his head, staring out his window. _I should never have_ - "Sorry, Mr. Berry, I don't think -"

"Dad, Daddy, I'm home! I have someone I'd like you to meet..." _And who wants to meet you. Not sneak around in dark corners._ Rachel tugged Connor inside. "Where are you?"

_That's – that's _Rachel's _voice._ Puck's stomach roiled. _She met someone. Someone who's _there_. Right _now. "Thank you, Mr. Berry, I'm going to let you go. Thanks for listening."

"It's -" Will shoved Dan up, retreating to his office. "Just a minute, honey, here's your dad!" Closing the door, Will heaved a sigh. "Noah -"

_What were you thinking, calling him of all fucking people..._He sighed, hanging his head. "Look, Mr. Berry, it's fine. I understand this is really awkward and I should just - I should just let you go and figure out -"

"Noah. I offered my number because...well, frankly, because from all Rachel's told me and from what I heard from you that night, you don't have the support system you need at home." He sank heavily into his office chair, sighing. "I know Rachel cares deeply for you, Noah, and so do _you_. But she's trying to find a way to be happy. I know she wants the same for you, and you deserve to find it. If this isn't it, then you need to figure out what _is."_

_He's there with her. Maybe holding her hand, kissing her. He gets to be with her, he gets..._her. "I - I just know this isn't it." Rubbing a hand over his mouth, he closed his eyes and shook his head. "I don't love her, after a year, I should love her a little, but I...I _like _her well enough but..."

"Listen, Noah, if you were a patient, we'd take this slow, but I have to get back. You need to be happy with yourself, you need to be secure in who you are and what you want before you really have anything to offer anyone else. There's nothing wrong with dating someone who you know isn't the great love of your life -"

_He never takes business calls on Friday nights, he's on call Saturdays._ "Daddy?" Rachel knocked on the door. "Everything all right?" _For him to be on the phone this long..._

Covering the phone, he called back to her. "Yes, Rachel, just wrapping up a phone call, I'll be right out!" He swallowed and massaged his temples. "Noah, there's nothing wrong in being in a casual relationship so long as that's what you both agree it is."

_**"We agreed, no strings attached." **_**Resolute expression on her face, but something in her eyes.**

_I should never have pushed her that night..._"What happens when it's - when it's not what you've agreed to?"

_**"I love you," **_**she whispered in the darkness**_**.**_

_Oh, Noah. _"I can't tell you what to do, Noah." _Or what you _should _have done. _He ran a hand over his head wearily. "All I can say is, start with _you,_ and let the rest fall into place. Your interactions with everyone else are colored by your perception of yourself. If you can look in the mirror and like what you see, you can figure the rest of it out."

He glanced toward the mirror with a bitter smile. _Physically? Shit, the Puckerone is good as ever. But everything else? _He shook his head. "Yeah, I'm gonna have to work on that."

"Well, do that, son, all right? It'll help, I promise. Listen, I'm going to get back, but...Noah, if you need advice, it's - it's all right to call. I just want you to know that. No one should feel like they have no one to talk to."

**Rachel, always alone after he and Quinn had gotten together.**

Swallowing hard, Puck looked away from his reflection. "Thanks," he managed. _Holy fuck, Puckerman, you really - shit, how can I be even a little surprised that she left? The fuck was left for her here?_

Frowning at the tone in his voice, Will raised his eyes skyward. I don't have the time now. "Think about it, call if you need to."

_I won't need to. I already know something important_. "I think there's someone else I have to call. Thank you, Mr. Berry. Say - " _Say what, Puckerman? Hi, sorry I fucked you over ever possible way I could? I swear, half of it I didn't realize at the time?_ "I'll trust your judgment if - if you can say anything to Rachel." He closed his eyes, breathing evenly past the lump in his throat.

"I will, Noah. Try to have a good night, all right?" Will opened the office door, looking at Rachel and Connor chatting with Dan.

"Yeah, I'll try," he said quietly. _Let's see what I can fix in one night._ "Thanks."

Will flipped the phone closed. "I'm so sorry, pumpkin, I was just taking a call. This must be Connor?" He held his hand out to the Taye Diggs lookalike on his couch. _Good for you, baby girl._

* * *

Puck stared at the cell phone in his hand. _Do I really want to do this? Is it really worth it? _He blew out a breath, flopping back against the mattress. _Is it worth trying to pretend like I give a shit about anything she has to say? _He dialed the number, biting his lip as it rang. "Yo, Q. You free? Twenty minutes? I can do that." Hanging up, he lay back down, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. _Fuck, Puckerman. You've got feelings and shit. _

* * *

_**"Noah - I know you're hurting. Don't hide it, not with me." **_**Rachel straightened her skirt, smiling sadly at him. **_**"You just went through a major life-changing event in a completely disempowering way last night. You must have **_**some **_**feelings about it."**_

_**I don't want to talk about it. **_**He turned his back. **_**"It's fine, just leave it."**_

**She sighed, pressing a palm to his cheek and pulling his eyes to hers. **_**"Noah. It's not fine. You know it, I know it. Please, just - " **_**She cut off with a quick shake of her head. **_**"Just know that I'm here whenever you need me, all right? And I'll never judge you for having a heart."**_

* * *

_How about judging me for breaking yours? _Puck exhaled shakily and grabbed his keys. "Ma, I'm going out for a little while."

* * *

Rachel sat with her fathers and Connor in the living room. _This is nice, this is _good. _It's normal. _He's _normal._

"I've played the guitar since I was little, my dad encouraged me to play," Connor explained to Will with a smile.

* * *

**She dangled her legs into the pool, a grin on her lips as he stripped off his shirt. **_**Makes sitting around all day in the heat worthwhile..."So...how did you start playing the guitar? Was it the ladykiller thing? It fits the Puck persona quite nicely. And you **_**are **_**aware that that's what it is, I hope? Puck is just a persona, an image. The **_**real **_**you is nothing like Puck." And I love the real you.**_

**He shrugged, turning his back while he tested the balance of the pool. **_**"My dad. He played. I picked it up when he left."**_

_**"Oh - oh, Noah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to - " Leave it to me to try to start a casual conversation and hit on a deep wound instead.**_

**He turned around with another shrug. **_**"Rach, it's okay. It's you."**_

* * *

"Rach. You okay?" Connor smiled at her, her fathers frowning at each other. "It's the dairy, it's addled your brain."

"You used addled," she remarked. _"Correctly,_ even." _Seriously? Addled?_

Connor shrugged. "Kind of a word dork. A little. Don't judge me."

She shook her head, grinning. "Not at all, in fact I'm quite impressed." _Handsome, musical, and with a sophisticated vocabulary?_

**Puck rolled his eyes at her indulgently. **_**"You and your big ass vocabulary. I swear you can curse me out or insult me, and I wouldn't even understand."**_

"It's an admirable quality," she continued. "Quite admirable." _And it's a breath of fresh air..._  
_**  
**_**She'd rolled her eyes.**_** "I think you understand more than you care to admit, Noah. You're the representative case for underachievement, its Patient Zero, if you will."  
**_

Rachel broke herself from her memory, focusing on him with a smile. _Stop it, Rachel! _"I have quite the propensity for words myself. A well-rounded vocabulary is an extremely potent weapon in a young ingenue's repetoire."

"Antidisestablishmentarianism," Connor intoned seriously.

_He's a good guy, Rachel. He gets you. That's worth a lot._ She raised an eyebrow. "Now _spell _it," she teased.

Will gave Dan a small smile, laughing as Connor proceeded to do just that.

* * *

"What's going on?" Quinn slid into the truck with a frown. "Is this about me leaving earlier? You were totally distracted, I figured I'd just let you get back to what you were doing." She leaned over to kiss him, frowning worriedly. "Was that - was that wrong? I'm trying not to be overbearing, I know I can be and I -"

"Quinn." _Funny you should say that, but - _Puck shook his head. "It's - it's more than that."

"You're scaring me, Noah. What -"

Bracing himself, he exhaled and spoke. _Just fucking do it, Puckerman. Before you fucking lose your balls. _"You don't _really _love me, Quinn. And I don't really love you. Not like I should." _Wow. That felt - that felt - _

_**"She won't. Not like I do..."**_

Puck shook himself, swallowing back the bile in his throat. _I knew that the whole fucking time. And that's what I chose. _"And that's _fine _by me, Q, it really is." _It was safer._ "But I don't want to pretend. I like you, we have some great chemistry -"

_**"It's natural,"**_ **he'd told her, leaning into her**. _**It feels fucking natural as **_**breathing **_**to want you. "And the chemistry is fucking phenomenal..." It always **_**has**_** been, and you fucking know it, Rachel. You **_**know**_** it...**_

"- but I'm not who you _really _want." _And you're not who _I _want. Damn it._ Eyes fixed insistently on hers, he continued. "You _know _that, right? I can't be Finn. I can't. I won't _ever _be him." _Thank fuck. _"And even the parts of myself that aren't - that aren't _Puck _- you don't get either. My music isn't _cute,_ and the birdwatching thing is something I really _like,_ Q. And you -"

"I didn't realize, Noah, I'm _sorry_. You _surprised_ me with all of that. I didn't mean to be so - so _dismissive _of those things. It's just - you _don't _- you're _not _-"

Shaking his head, he raised his eyebrows at her. _Really? _"Honestly, Q? You don't _know_ me well enough to tell me that I'm not anything. I mean, it's _okay_. I'm not the most talkative guy, it's kind of a pain in the ass to get to know me, I get that."

_**"I see you better than you might think, Noah Puckerman."**_** Rachel's smile was smug, her foot dipping into the pool to splash him. **_**"I know you better than you suspect."**_

_Rachel..._He inhaled sharply, exhaling slowly and continuing. "I'm not knocking you or us at all. I just - the other night...I wasn't honest and I'm not fucking doing that. I'm not gonna lie about how I feel. We both deserve better than that. So, um. I'm willing to stay with you, Q, but I don't - I don't love you like that and you deserve the chance to have that if you want it." _One of us should get it, anyway..._

Quinn blinked at him blankly before shakily exhaling. "Wow."

"Yeah." _But damn if it doesn't feel good to say that shit out loud. _He watched her expectantly.

"Well, if we're talking full disclosure..." Quinn swallowed and licked her lips. "Me neither."

_Oh thank fuck._ Puck blew out a breath with a grin. "No?"

Quinn shrugged helplessly. _"No._ You took me totally off guard when you asked, and I was - I was afraid to say _no_, I thought - I thought I _should_ love you, with all we've been through, but..._no."_ She laughed. "That's such a relief, to be honest."

Puck gave her a half-smile. _Who the fuck are you telling? _"Same." He lowered his shoulders, licking his lips before speaking. "Listen, I don't need anything serious right now. I've got - I've got shit I need to work on and work through. So this is it, no strings if you wanna go." _For real this time..._He swallowed past the bitterness. "I honestly don't give a shit one way or the other. The sex is great but you're entitled to more than that."

Blushing, Quinn looked at him through half-lowered lashes. "I, um...I don't mind if maybe we just - we were just friends with benefits? For a while, anyway?"

"So long as you don't say shit to anyone about the music and the birdwatching, okay? Otherwise the Puckerone is totally at your cervix." He wagged his eyebrows. "Get it? Not at your service but at your cervix. 'Cause I'm _that_ fucking good."

"Ew."

* * *

"Why don't you see Connor out, Rachel?" Dan smiled quickly at her and then at Will. "Daddy and I will just straighten up."

Rachel nodded, turning to Connor with a small grin. "I suppose so, it would be inexcuseably inhospitable of me not to perform such a perfunctory task." _Using my vocabulary to the fullest, for once, is refreshing._

He raised a brow, teeth flashing as he returned her grin with one of his own. "I'm indubitably indebted to you for your gracious hospitality in accommodating my unheralded arrival and any hindrance of or intrusion into your familial bliss is most assuredly unintentional ineptitude on my part."

Laughing, Rachel shook her head. "You are quite the surprise, Connor." _And I am enjoying that. _She opened the door for him, a flutter of her fingers at her fathers before she closed it. "Thank you for tonight. I had the most delightful evening." She walked him to the elevator bank. _And I am enjoying that I am enjoying this. _Hitting the down button, she smiled up at him.

"So did I. I'm really glad I didn't stay in that day." Connor hooked a finger under her chin, tilting her face to his. "Really glad." He brushed a thumb over her jawbone, leaning in.

_He's going to kiss you. What do you want to do? _Rachel closed her eyes, exhaling shakily. _I think...I think I want to kiss him._

Connor lowered his lips to hers, sipping at her mouth until the soft chime of the elevator broke them apart. "Good night, Rachel." He stepped into the elevator, resting his back against the wall and grinning as the doors closed.

Pressing her hand to her lips again, Rachel walked back into the condo. _That was...that was _wonderful. _A real date, a real kiss, a real boy..._

Will looked up from the couch. "You okay, baby girl? You look flabbergasted."

Giggling, she nodded, pulling her hand away to speak. "I'm fine, I - I think. That was - Daddy, that was _nice. _I had a good time with a boy who genuinely understands and appreciates me. _Openly. _I - it's amazing." _I don't know if I've ever really had that in my life..._"I think I'm actually _good."_  
_  
_Dan emerged from the kitchen, glass of wine in hand. "I can't believe that you were on the phone with No-"

_What?_ "Daddy?" Rachel took a shuddering breath. _It can't - he couldn't possibly - _"What is Dad - who were you -" _This can't be - but he - he won't look at me and Dad looks - he looks so -_

"Nobody, Rachel." Will glared at Dan. "Nobody important."

_Panicked. That's the look in Dad's eyes. Panic._ "Daddy. Please - please don't lie to me. Tell me Dad wasn't about to, for some unfathomable reason, say Noah." _Except that he was. _She met Will's gaze steadily from across the room. "Please."  
_  
_"Rachel." Will approached her slowly. "Honey, you know I love you, right?"

She nodded mutely. _I do...it's the only reason I'm still standing here, waiting to hear you out..._

"I ran into Noah before we left Lima. He - he wanted to talk to you and I wouldn't let him. I might have -" Will sighed heavily. "I might have threatened to hurt him."

"Daddy!" _He wanted - what did he -_ "What did he say?" she asked quietly.

"If it helps, sweetheart, he's a mess." Will crossed the room the rest of the way to rub his hands up and down her arms. "He's pretty lost."

_He always was..._She only nodded again. _Except when it was just us..._

"He wanted to know if you were okay. I told him you were getting there. He called me for advice, saying he couldn't talk to anyone."

"He _can't,"_ she murmured quietly. "No one really _understands_ Noah, Daddy. They only see Puck. He worked very hard to _make_ them only see Puck." _Except _I_ saw him. I _always_ saw Noah._

"I was _going_ to tell you, baby girl, I was, but not tonight - I wanted you to enjoy your date and you both just surprised me. Connor seems like a good guy, Rachel. I think you could really enjoy each other."

Rachel gave a weak smile. "Yes, we really could." _If I could just let myself..._

Will scrutinized her face, brows furrowed. "Honey, if it bothers you, I'll stop taking his calls - you're my daughter, I couldn't care less about the boy who broke -"

"Daddy, _no_. No. If - if he _does_ call you...pick up. I - He _needs_ somebody, Daddy, he has -" _He really doesn't, does he_..."He has no one, Daddy, he needs somebody. I would -" Rachel cleared her throat. "I would happily have been that somebody, but if - since - I don't mind that it's - that it's you. I know you'll be - he needs -" She pursed her lips in a tight smile. "You'll be good to him," she managed past the lump in her throat. _I would have too..._She shook herself. "Can I - may I have Lori sleep over?"

Will glanced at Dan helplessly. "Of course, sweetheart, whatever you need."

"That should suffice, thank you." Rachel kissed them both perfunctorily before retreating to her bedroom. _It's okay. You're okay._

Grabbing the wine glass from Dan's hand with a glare, he drained it. "I might need the bottle."

Rachel opened the door to her room and rushed into the cool darkness, keeping the lights off as she closed it behind her. _You're all right, Rachel. You're all right_.

* * *

"You're all right, Puck. And can I tell you that feels better too?" Quinn giggled. "Calling you Noah always felt weird, I guess. So um, if you don't mind -"

"Not a bit, call me whatever you like, so long as you scream it on occasion." He winked at her. "And I'm sure you will." _That's one thing I know I can do._

Quinn rolled her eyes, shoving him. "Whatever, you know you're...skilled. Don't let it get to either head, Puckerman." She smirked at him and exited the truck, waving as she ran back inside.  
_  
That was - that was good. That feels so much better._ Puck exhaled, chuckling. _And it was fucking easy. She wasn't even -  
_  
_**"Not like I do..."  
**_  
He shook his head bitterly. _Yeah, no surprise. Really no surprise at all._

* * *

"Lori?" Rachel's voice was hoarse. "Lor, I -" _Please..._

"Rach! Babe, what's - what's the matter? Was the date horrible? One of those he looks good till he talks? Or maybe -"

Rachel burst into tears. "No, he - he - he's perfect, Lori," she choked out. "But he - he -" _I just – why can't I just - _

"He's not Noah. Oh, honey..." Lori's voice was quiet.

_Breathe, Rachel!_ She sucked in a breath, speaking between hitching sobs. "Daddy talked - Daddy talked to him, Lori, he called and he's a mess and he wanted to - to - to talk to me, he wanted to know - to know I was okay..."

"Oh, Rach - honey..."

"Come stay over?" _Please, I need a friend. _Rachel swallowed back tears.

"On my way, sweetie, Give me twenty. Ma!" Lori hollered through the apartment. "I'll be right there, promise. Just breathe, babe, just breathe. Can you do that for me?"

"Uh-huh," she forced out. _I think...I hope..._

"Okay, I'm just getting Ma to drive me. See you soon." Lori hung up, her mother speaking rapidfire Tagalog in the background.

_Hurry..._Rachel closed her eyes, hugging herself as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

* * *

Puck drove aimlessly through town, finding memories around every corner. _Fuck, if this is how I feel now...she felt this all fucking year. You fucking asshole, Puckerman. You're lucky she landed on her fucking feet in New York City. Because this shit is just miserable._

* * *

Rachel flicked on the bedside lamp and fumbled for her iPod. _I just - maybe if there's noise I_ - She hit shuffle and inhaled sharply. _Hold it together, Rachel, what happened to never crying over him again? Hmmm? So he wants to know if you're okay, so what? That doesn't mean that he loves you, that he wants you. It just means his conscience is burdened._

The quiet tones of Rachael Yamagata filled the room as she changed into her pajamas and washed the makeup from her face. _You can hold it together. Think about it. For once in your life, you have someone to cry to.  
_

* * *

_**"You okay?"  
**_**  
Rachel sniffled, glancing over her shoulder. **_**"Oh, Noah. I - I'm fine, really, I should've -" You knew better. "I should've seen it coming,"**_** she said quietly. **_**"Everyone tried to warn me."  
**_**  
Puck sat on the bleachers next to her, leaning back. **_**"Yeah, so? Doesn't mean he's not an asshole. Or that you can't be fucked up about it."  
**_**  
She blinked at him. **_**That's...that's true. "Why, thank you, Noah. That's - that's very kind of you."**_

**He shrugged. **_**"People are fucking assholes, as a rule. The sooner you get that, the better off you'll be."**_

_**"That's quite the cynical view, Noah, I'd prefer to think that some people are just...misguided."**_** Rachel frowned at him. **_**Though actually, that would explain a few things. "Is that - is that why you're so...prickly?"  
**_**  
Raising an eyebrow, he grinned. **_**"Oh, I'll show you **_**prick**_**ly, baby, but you're gonna have to let me at the boobs first..."  
**_

* * *

Shaking herself from her reverie, Rachel rubbed her hands over her face. _Why does he care? What does it matter if I'm okay? Can't he just - I just want -_ She crawled into bed. _I wish I knew_ what _I wanted, but I have no idea anymore..._She closed her eyes tightly. _Just let it go, let the music just flow over you and -_

_"All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery,"_

**The look in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss her, Quinn and the world forgotten.**

_"As they steal your best memories away..."_

**Sunlight through the windows of her bedroom, long afternoons spent lost in each other.**

_"What if I was someone different in your only history?"_

**His arm around Quinn, the kisses she wanted for herself given to someone else.**

She slapped at her nightstand to find the iPod. _I need a different playlist, I -_

_"Would you feel the same  
As I walk out the door  
Never to see your face again..."_

**Laying the hoodie on the seat.** _**"Just came to say goodbye, love...goodbye." **_

Her hand hovered over the off button, her heart in her throat.

_"And it'll be just as quiet when I leave  
As it was when I first got here...  
I don't expect anything..."_

_**I can't...I can't stand waiting for her to see you, for you to leave me. **_**Her hand, holding him at bay.**_** "No strings. Good luck."**_

Swallowing hard, Rachel grabbed a tissue instead.

_"I don't expect anything to change when I leave..."_

She shuddered out a breath. _Why now? Why care now? Damn it, Noah...damn you..._Rachel subsided into the pillows, letting the tears fall.

* * *

Puck parked, a small frown on his face. _You really fucked up, Puckerman. Majorly._ With a sigh, he looked up at the house. _You had someone who fucking believed in you and you threw it away._

_**"Noah, you know I've always believed you could do anything you wanted**__**." **_**The rest of her words lost in the haze of ****desire, his eyes on her lips before he claimed them hungrily.**

He rubbed at his chest, shaking his head. _You've been an asshole for most of your life. Now it's time to get your shit together and grow the fuck up. Gotta be happy with yourself. And this shit isn't gonna cut it anymore. _

**Her eyes, fierce on his even through the wine. **_**"You could go to **_**fucking **_**Ithaca or **_**fucking **_**Berklee or **_**fucking **_**Juilliard and **_**fucking **_**be someone. You write such **_**beautiful **_**music..."**_

_You need to take charge of your fucking life for once, Puckerman. And you already started. Who the fuck would've thought that being friends with benefits would be one of the most mature things you've done in your whole fucking life?_

**Her whisper in the dark. **_**"I love you."**_

He swallowed the bile in his throat, staring up at her darkened window. _I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm so fucking sorry._

* * *

Knocking quietly, Lori opened the door and peered into the bedroom. "Rach? Honey, are you -" She sighed. "Oh, babe..." Crossing the room quickly, Lori slipped under the covers with her. "Rach, what happened?"

"He called my daddy, Lori. They - Daddy ran into him in Lima and he - he gave Noah his number. Noah had asked to...he asked to talk to me and Daddy said no." _What if he hadn't?_ Rachel shook her head. "He called tonight, Daddy said he was a mess...Dad accidentally mentioned it as I was walking back in after Connor left."

"Tell me about the date, sweetheart." Lori stroked her hair.

"It was - Lori, it was _lovely_. He was _funny _and _sweet _and...we _talked,_ we _laughed_...he met my fathers and was totally charming. It was like - like a _dream_. I didn't know what to do with it, I was on a cloud and then - " She swiped angrily at her eyes. _Enough tears, damn it._ "Then I walked in and Dad just said that he couldn't believe Daddy was on the phone with No-" Rachel cut off abruptly. "I had the strangest feeling, and he told me. Lori, why _now?_ I literally just went on a date with a wonderful guy and all it takes is a _syllable _of his name plus the knowledge he exists in the universe and I am a disconsolate wretch!"

Lori giggled, shoving her knee. "You haven't lost your vocabulary, so you can't be _that _bad." Lori sighed, stroking Rachel's hair again. "Did he kiss you?"

Rachel nodded, biting her lip. "And I feel _guilty _about it! _Ugh,_ I feel _guilty _and there's no _reason _for me to, and I know that, _intellectually,_ but _emotionally _I haven't been able to assimilate that knowledge and it's making me -"

"- talk even more like a New Yorker! I'm so proud. You have the breath capacity, and the speed!" Lori grinned at her, inhaling and exhaling dramatically. "So you just give it time, and give him a chance. And you don't force it, either."

"That's what Connor said. That I was worth it." Rachel smiled faintly. "That was a new one, I must say." _For once, to be worth it..._

"And not a bad one, you gotta admit," her friend offered softly. Lori rolled over and grabbed the iPod from the nightstand. "But let's get this off Rachael Yamagata, okay?" She scrolled through. "Ha! Much better." She hit play and put the iPod back in the dock.

"Sarah McLachlan, the iconic founder of Lilith Fair. A symbol of women's empowerment. Probably a much better choice." Rachel curled up next to Lori with a sigh. _At least less likely to make me want to cry._ "I'm an idiot, Lori. Tell me I'm an idiot. There's a really fantastic guy who's willing to be patient with me. It's more than I _ever_ thought I'd have at this point. I didn't - I couldn't get a date to save my life in Lima. And here I am, in New York City, out on a date with a wonderful guy on a Friday night."

"That's a _good_ thing, Rach. A good thing. Would it be so bad to have a little fun? Noah's a mess, but he's a mess five hundred somethin' somethin' miles away, and you have a guy who doesn't need anything more than you're willing to give. What's to lose?" Lori laughed. "Oh, man...Rach, I have to turn this up."

_"Mmmm, all the fear has left me now_  
_I'm not frightened anymore_  
_It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh_  
_It's my mouth that pushes out this breath..."_

Lori kissed Rachel's temple. "Let Sarah speak to you, babe. No one says you have to fall in love or out of love, or anything. Just be open to it. Let go for once."

**His fingers pressing inside her, his eyes burning up into hers. **_**"C'mon, Rach, trust me, let go."**_

Rachel lay back, looking up at the ceiling as the tension started to seep away, butterflies in her stomach. _He's not here. Whether he called or not, he's _not here,_ he's not with me. And Connor _wants_ to be, so badly..._

_"And if I shed a tear, I won't cage it_  
_I won't fear love..._  
_And if I feel a rage, I won't deny it_  
_I won't fear love..."_

"What's the worst that could happen?" Lori suggested with a smile.

Rachel laughed. _The worst? I could fall in love. _"You know what? You're right, Lori. I deserve to be happy for once. And I'm absolutely going to try."

* * *

_**Valentine's Day**_

"Mmmm, that was - that was just _decadent." _Rachel fell onto the bed with a grin. "I still love Serendipity 3. Thank you, Connor." _That was wonderful._

He traced a red rose down her face, tapping her nose and laying next to her, drawing her onto his chest. "You're welcome, Rach. Happy Valentine's Day. And thank _you."_

_Thank me? _Giggling, she shook her head. "For what?" _You took me out, you paid..._  
_  
_He leaned up and over her to kiss her softly. "For taking a chance. For letting me in. And for being an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful Valentine." Cupping her cheek gently, he kissed her again.  
_  
_Rachel wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing upwards into his body with a sigh and a smile. Pulling back slightly, she brushed a thumb over his chin. "And thank you for being patient. You're - you're just too good to me." _You really are. But I don't object a bit. Not anymore._

Connor only kissed her again. "Mmm, nah. I like to think that you're finally being treated the way you deserve, Rach. I'm happy to be the one to show you." His other hand skimmed down to her waist, and he leaned up to whisper in her ear. "So, how long are your fathers out for? Where's their date?"

Pressing a kiss to his jaw, she worked her way up to his ear. "At a bed and breakfast in Westchester." _And they weren't even shy about letting me know._

"Really?" He nibbled her earlobe. "So...any ideas what you're doing for the rest of the evening?"  
_  
_She shrugged with a flirty smile. _Hmm, I wonder..._"Not really, no. Maybe you could suggest something?"

He moved a hand to the zipper on the back of her dress. "Oh, I might have a few suggestions. But I wouldn't dare be presumptuous. I'm your humble and willing servant, my dear." He kissed his way down her neck to her collarbone, the wide boatneck of her blue sheath leaving her bare. Looking up from between her breasts, he let his eyes go wide and pleading. "But any commands that include 'take me, I'm yours' are welcomed." Licking a line up her skin, he kissed her again. "Anything to make you feel good, Rachel, especially tonight. You deserve it."

_I do, don't I? _She lifted up to capture his lips herself, breaking away only to breathe, "Take me."

With a groan, he unzipped her dress, tugging it from her impatiently. "You have no idea how much I was hoping you'd say that," he murmured.

* * *

"Mmmm, fuck yes..." With a shuddering breath, Puck groaned and spent himself into the condom, Quinn's moans quieting in his ear. "Happy Valentine's Day," he laughed. _Fuck buddies for V-day. Awesome._

Quinn giggled, body going pliant beneath him. "You too. I have to say this is probably one of my favorites."

Pulling out carefully, Puck disposed of the condom and threw himself down on the bed next to her. _Well, yeah. _"Probably 'cause there's no pressure. Sometimes you just wanna get laid, right? That's why we work so fucking well."

"How're classes?" She flipped onto her side, propping her head up to look at him. "I don't really see you on campus."

Chuckling, he quirked a brow. "You mean besides when you tell me to meet you somewhere for a quickie?" _Which, y'know, I don't object to._

She shoved at him. "Idiot. We don't really talk, you're right. I'm just curious, okay? Like, it seems like you're really trying to - I don't know, to _grow._ It's kind of - it's kind of impressive to see, actually."

_Someone else would've loved to see it. _"Uh, thanks, Q. Classes are pretty good, I'm surprising good at like, the teaching and shit. Amazing what you can accomplish when you stop being an asshole, right?" _Even if it's not exactly what I want._

"It really is," she remarked. Rolling her eyes at his frown, she continued. "I'm kidding, Puck, that's really great. You should be proud of yourself. And actually..." She grinned at him. "How's this for a reward? I've always wanted to go to New York on Spring Break. I wanted to know if you wanted to join me?"

"I -" _Do you really want to do that? _"I don't know, Q - New York is -" _where Rachel is...  
_

"It's perfect - it's the city that never sleeps, it's huge and exciting and the total opposite of here." Shrugging, she laid back down. "Plus, it'd be a week with no one around. How liberating would that be?"

_It _is _a big city. And high schools don't have the same spring break. What's the real risk?_ _We'll do the touristy shit during the day and at night I'll make sure everyone in a five block radius knows my fucking name._ "You know what? Yeah. Let's go." _She'll never even know I was ever there_.

* * *

_**March**__  
_  
"So where did you get placed, Rach? These internships are kickass. I grew up listening to Z100, and now I work with them. It's unbelievable." Lori clutched her books to her chest, beaming as they walked down the hall.

Rachel smiled and nodded to the other students as they passed. _That's still so refreshing - I can always hold my head up in these halls..._"Well, I was looking for something in the performing arts, obviously, but the theater internships aren't available until the summer." She waved back to a group of girls. _They actually _like _me here..."So_...I am going to be performing at Webster Hall instead, part of the Awesome 80s Prom stage show." They walked into the classroom together, taking their seats as Rachel continued. "Though, _apparently,_ they're expanding it to 80s _inspired_ music as well, since new wave and synth are making a bit of a resurgence."

"Seriously? That's _awesome,_ babe! I'll have to come see you perform." Lori raised an eyebrow. "Do you know what you're singing?"

Opening her notebook, Rachel withdrew the information sheet. _Whatever they tell me, until I can tell them what _I _want to sing..._"The song listings they sent me include songs from a Debbie Gibson?" She shrugged at Lori, who shrugged back. "And my modern song is Bulletproof."

"Oh my God, Rach, I _love_ that song! And it's an amazing choice for your voice." Lori grinned at her. "I'm happy for you, babe. You're gonna kick ass."

Smiling slightly, Rachel lifted her chin. "I know," she said haughtily. _And I do. I actually _do_ know that I am talented, and I deserve this._

Lori smacked her arm. "Bitch."

Rachel rolled her eyes. _Oh, please. _"You love me, don't even deny it." _And my unshakeable pride in my singing is part of my charm. _Raising an eyebrow, she looked at Lori expectantly.

"Ugh, _fine. Talented _bitch, _okay?"_ Lori giggled, rolling her eyes in return. "And _yeah,_ maybe I love you a little." She held her pointer and thumb about a centimeter apart. "Like _this_ much."

"Ha! Not _nearly_ that little, and you well know it." _And that is, by far, one of the most welcome changes of my entire life. A _real_ friend._ "And I love you just as much, Lor."

"Yeah, I know." Lori grinned, blowing her a smacking kiss as the bell rang.

* * *

Puck sighed, cracking his neck. "Q, you know I don't want to do half the shit you do, right? I mean, yeah to like the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building. But the museums and the shopping? No fucking way." _And especially not with you._ "You can do all that, I'll entertain myself. Maybe I'll go see Yankee Stadium or some shit. ESPN Zone is in Times Square, I'll watch a game or two and then I'll work off all that testosterone on you." _That'll probably be the best part of this shit. But at least I'd be able say I've seen New York._

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Fine. But I want to go out Saturday night. Deal?"

Nodding, he stretched and flopped back on the bed. "Sure, we'll go somewhere good. Want me to get you a fake ID?"

"Hmm, let me think. _No."_ She shook her head. "You might be getting your life on track, but there's still some delinquent in you. We'll find a club - well, _I'll_ find a club - that's 18 to enter. If you want to try to get served, fine, but I will have no part of it."

_Like I need liquor to get in your pants. _He shrugged. "Suit yourself. But yeah, a real New York City club night sounds awesome. A _whole_ city for the Puckerone to prowl."

"You're unbelievable," Quinn huffed. _"Fine,_ just don't knock anyone up, okay?"

**Climbing into her window in the dead of night, denying the tears burning behind his eyes while she soothed him the only way he'd accept.**

He snorted, his stomach doing a slow roll. _It's a big city, Puckerman. You won't even know she exists. _"Definitely not in the plans."

* * *

_**One week later...  
**_**  
**Rachel blew out a breath before opening the door, walking in with a smile. _My first job in New York City. Not Broadway, but still, a lot closer than I've ever been..._Looking around at the large space with wide eyes, she spotted the office and moved in that direction. "Hi, good afternoon. I'm Rachel Berry, I'm one of the interns from The Dalton School. I'm here for rehearsal today?"

The man behind the desk looked her up and down with a half-smile. "Oh, you'll definitely fit in. You're freaking adorable. Ty Matthews, I run the show around here. Let's get you in costume and with the rest of the girls backstage. Then you can show me what you've got."

Beaming, Rachel straightened her shoulders. "I can't wait." _I've been waiting all my life for this._

Ty nodded, raising an eyebrow. "Eager. Hope you can back it up." He pointed to the dressing room. "Let's see if you gave us the right measurements."

_What? _Rachel drew herself up. "I would _never_ misrepresent my proportions. It's too important that costumes fit correctly." _Is that _typical _here? That's completely unprofessional!_

Shaking his head, Ty opened the door for her. "You're gonna be a trip, aren't you?"

Rachel inclined her head. "I'm just determined." _This is the beginning of of the rest of my life, nothing is going to ruin this for me._

Looking her up and down again, Ty smiled. "You might actually survive this then. We'll see how those pipes of yours carry around here, and if it works? You're here every Saturday night. Hope you're ready for it."

_Ready for it? _"To be brutally honest, Mr. Matthews? I hope the show is ready for _me." _She closed the door, looking at the hangers on the side. "Where is - " _You must be joking. _She held the cheerleader costume up against her body. _Of all things. _Giggling, she changed into it and looked at herself in the mirror.

_"What if I was someone different in your only history?"_

She shook herself. _No better way to put it in the past than to claim it for yourself, Rachel. _Smoothing down the skirt, she sang softly to her reflection. "This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof..."

* * *

_**Two weeks later...  
**_**  
**Puck dropped their bags on the floor of the hotel room. _How much shit did she bring? _Walking to the window, he nodded his approval. "Nice work, Q, right across the street from Madison Square Garden. We're hooked up."

She smiled. "Thanks! I figured the closer we were to the subway, the happier we'd both be. We've got the Empire State Building down the block, Times Square is easy, and I found a club!" Quinn grabbed her bag, dragging it to the closet to start unpacking. "It's pretty famous, actually - Webster Hall. So that's Saturday night. They've got this show, but that means we can get in under 21."

Grabbing his bag, he started digging through, tossing underwear into drawers and shirts in the direction of the bed. _I just hope I can get a drink. _"Saturday night, okay," he muttered absently. "Got it."

* * *

**A.N.: ***ducks* Don't hurt me! I promise I know exactly where we're going, and I'll update soon. I just have so much else to do! :( If anyone out there has cloning technology, or perhaps a way I can borrow an extra pair of hands and write multiple stories simultaneously, I'll be your best friend. In the meantime, maybe you could click that thing down there that says review, and leave one? Pretty please? The more reviews, the more motivated I am to write... ;) Yes, that's totally blackmail. Review. ;)


	6. Precious Illusions

**A.N.**: Blame Glee for the lack of update last week. LOL. Saw Glee Live last Saturday and spent the whole weekend in and around the city. Whoops. I swear I'll try to be better, but next week I'm soft pitching my novel, so...yeah. *sigh* I fail. And um, just remember, you love me. Heh.

Text in **bold **are flashbacks.

_Suggested listening: Bulletproof, La Roux; Mongrel Heart, Broken Bells; The Difficult Kind, Sheryl Crow; Dancing, Elisa; Precious Illusions, Alanis Morissette; Anne, Josh Ritter; Fast Car, Tracy Chapman; Bad Romance, Lady GaGa (or Glee, duh). I try not to double, but Elisa's cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is just too excellent. So that too._

**Chapter 5: Precious Illusions**

* * *

_**Monday**_

Puck sat by the window, peering out at the city through the gauzy curtains. _City's fucking awesome. No wonder she wanted to be here. And she is. Here. Somewhere_...His hand hovered over his cell phone, fingers itching to dial the familiar number. _Fuck, Puckerman, get a grip. This isn't what you're here for._ A sly voice whispered of self-deception again. _It's _not_. _He stomped it to silence ruthlessly. _It's Spring Break._

"Ready?" Quinn emerged from the bathroom with a smile. "They say Murray's Bagels are the best in the city. Figure we'd start there and work our way downtown?"

"Yeah, sounds good." _Focus, get your shit together_. Puck stood, grabbing his wallet. He flipped it open, tucking his key card in front of a worn photograph. "And if I get bored, I'm just gonna take off and meet you back here later. Your phone's charged, right?"

Grinning, Quinn waved it at him. "Aren't _you_ Mr. Responsible? Yes, my phone's charged."

_"Fuck_ responsible. I just know there's no fucking way I'm going shopping with you. I'm no fucking caddy."

_**"You're so much more than you know."**_

Slipping his wallet into his back pocket, he shook himself from his memory and followed Quinn out.

* * *

"I can't believe how freaking _awesome_ Saturday was." Lori moved down the counter towards the register. "You were _born_ for this, Rach..."

_I was, wasn't I? _Rachel grabbed her multigrain bagel with a quick smile for the clerk. "It _was_ amazing, I can't even tell you. The cheerleader role was a bit of a struggle to adapt to at first..."

"All things considered? Um, _yeah_. But you got over that once you started singing." Lori hip-checked Rachel with a sly grin.

Rachel beamed at the recollection. _That's always been my refuge...It always will be..._"Oh yes. And the show being entirely interactive, being encouraged to engage with the crowd...Floating around, getting people to sing with me -"

"You're in your element, babe!" Lori collected her everything with cream cheese. "Meanwhile I make coffee runs."

"And answer phones and screen calls and one of these days you'll be on the Morning Show, I'm sure of it!" Rachel flashed another smile at the cashier. "Chamomille tea, please?" _I _am_ in my element, though. This is exactly where I need to be._

"We'll see," Lori sighed. "Oh, hey...did Connor enjoy the show? You both kind of ran off..." She raised an eyebrow in question.

Blushing, Rachel nodded. _Enjoy might be an understatement..._"He did. Which, honestly, assisted my performance as well. He..." She paid and moved towards the door. "He, um..._quite _enjoyed the _costume."_

"Ha! Take _that_ anonymous blonde cheerleaders everywhere! Brunettes have fun too!" Lori paid quickly and joined Rachel outside.

Nodding, Rachel sipped her tea. "That we _do_." _Take that, not-so-anonymous McKinley Cheerios. _"I hope you don't mind that Connor and I disappeared..."

"Honey, like I care?" Lori shook her head. "I figured that was gonna happen when you were all flirty with that skirt..." Turning the corner from Murray's, Lori hooked her arm through Rachel's and led her down the block. "You guys can go ahead and make goo goo eyes at each other this Saturday too, I just dig the vibe."

"You know what? So do I." Rachel squeezed Lori's arm. _It's fun, and free and...it's like a redo, it's another second chance. _"And now that I'm acclimated, I'm sure my performances will only improve. Though I will likely focus on Connor for a bit again."

"I'm sure he won't object, Rach." Lori rolled her eyes. "That guy? Would lay down in traffic if you asked him to."

_I know..._"Is it - Lor, is it wrong to enjoy that feeling? That he's more into me than I'm into him?"

"Babe, truthfully? I think it's just what you need." Lori squeezed Rachel back. "Your dad's the shrink, you can check with him, but the way I see it? Tall, dark, handsome and _waaaaaaaaay_ into you? Yeah, I'd run with that."

Rachel laughed, taking another sip of tea. _I'm so not accustomed to that. _"I believe I will." _Rachel Berry from New York City is a whole different breed of animal._

* * *

Puck rounded the corner, rolling his eyes. "Yes, okay, _fine,_ awesome bagel, nice walk, nice day, I want to sit my fucking ass _down,_ Q." Exhaling heavily, he gestured at the expanse of small artists' stalls and farm stands. "You go walk around, I'm gonna sit down over there." Sliding on his sunglasses, he laid out by the Union Square subway stop. "Puckerman, not _pack mule,_ shit..." Closing his eyes, he rolled his shoulders. _This is a cool place, I gotta say. I could totally do the artist vibe, it's pretty badass in its way_...He let his eyes scan the crowd in front of him. _And not a bad way to spend 2 o'clock on a Monday, right?  
_

* * *

"Oh, c'mon, Rach, we can take a walk through the Greenmarket, what's the harm? We'll make it home in time, promise. What's the use of being in New York in the spring if you can't stop and smell the flowers?"

"It's specifically roses, Lori, and it's not about being home in time, I'm just getting used to these!" Rachel tapped her foot on the ground. "High heels for this long? A girl needs a rest!" _I miss the flats...though the knee socks, not as much as I expected..._

Rolling her eyes, Lori dragged her into a stall. "Here, we'll go slow. Just look at the pretty bloomy things."

* * *

"Thank you," Quinn said politely, walking away from the handwoven bags. "Damn souvenirs," she muttered. "Why can't I get something easy, like flowers..." She wandered down the aisle, glancing into the stands while she dialed her cell.

_"I want your love and all your love is revenge, you and me could write a bad romance..." _

_Aww come on..._Puck groaned, slipping his phone from his pocket. "Yeah, Q?"

"What am I supposed to get my mother as a souvenir? They don't let you take plants on the plane, do they?"

_Seriously?_ Puck rubbed a hand over his forehead. "Shit, Q, _I'm_ supposed to know?"

She moved to the next stall, sighing as she fingered a flower. "I don't know, I was just -" She stopped dead in her tracks. _It can't be.  
_  
"This looks pretty," Rachel commented. "A clematis, I don't believe I've seen those before." _I love it, I've been here for so long and I'm still learning..._

Lori rounded the table towards her. "It is pretty. Does Dan need a new project?"

Laughing, Rachel picked up the pot. "That he does, he's not used to being part of a practice like he is here." _But we're learning. New York City is home now. _

"Q? Hello? Earth to CheeriHo..." _What the fuck just happened?_ Puck leaned up, looking around. "Did I miss something?"

Quinn stared into the stall across the way. _I can't...I can't believe it. It is. The world is too damn small_..."Yes, all right, never mind, no plant. I'm heading back over to you, let's get out of here. I want chocolate, we're just down the block from Max Brenner's." Hanging up the phone, Quinn paused to look her up and down. _High heels, Berry? That's new. But we're getting out of here. I have a bad feeling about this._ She quickly left the stand, keeping her face averted while she moved.

Lori spun quickly, the clematis in her hands. _"Oh!_ Oh, I'm so sorry," she offered contritely as Quinn sidestepped. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine." Quinn rushed off before Rachel turned.

_That voice..._Rachel looked around, frowning. "Lori, who was that?"

Shrugging, her friend passed off the plant. "I don't know, some chick. I turned around too fast, nearly whacked her with it. She said she was fine though."

"O-oh." Shaking her head, Rachel curled and flexed her feet in the heels. "Really, Lori? I have to walk home, in heels, carrying this thing?" She hoisted it up against her left side and started to walk towards the intersection. _I suppose I still have some adapting to do. _"This must be some manner of hazing ritual."

Chuckling, Lori walked backwards beside her. "Consider it training, like for a role or something. You have to be able to walk a mile in heels in New York City. It just is."

Quinn grabbed Puck's hand, hauling him up. "Come on, chocolate. I've had enough of this, I'm going to buy them all souvenirs from the MoMA Store and call it a day."

Rolling his eyes, Puck stood. _Like I give a shit? _"Yeah, whatever, sounds like a plan. Let's get whatever the fuck and get back to the hotel, huh?" He smirked. "I should at least get _something_ out of this."

"Hey!" Quinn shoved at his shoulder. "We went to the Seaport, you think I care about boats?"

Puck snagged her abandoned bags as they started walking. _Damn, she has a point. _"Yeah, and then we went to the Statue of Liberty, which you wanted to do." At her glare, he rolled his eyes. "That shit _was_ cool. Okay, _fine,_ so I got some _something_ out of this trip. Doesn't mean I don't need to get back and get you on _your_ back, y'know?" He snorted, noticing a plant with legs going past. _Fuck, only in New York would you see that shit. Plant's almost taller than her, she's wearing fucking high heels, and damn, those legs..._He turned to watch them walk away in his periphery. _Reminds me of_ - He shook himself. _Stow that shit, Puckerman, you don't even think her name here. _

Lori smiled at the blonde as they passed. "Ha, guess she was in a hurry," she commented. "If I had a guy like that waiting on me somewhere, I'd rush too."

"Hmm? Where?" Rachel glanced around. _Relax, Rachel. There's no way it was her. _"Did I miss her? Him? Them?"

Lori nodded, guiding Rachel across the street. "Yeah, no worries, she was with a _hot_ mofo - tall, muscular, dark aviators, and a wicked grin. I'll take one of those to _go."_

_Reminds me of...of Noah..._Rachel scoffed. "Feel free. I've already tried and failed at the bad boy. I'll settle for the good guy who worships the ground I walk on." _I can live without an epic love affair. I can be with someone who cares for me. No hiding, no worrying about social status. Someone who wants to be with me, for all the world to know. I've waited all my life for that._

_I have.  
_  
She blew her hair from her eyes. _Then why do I feel like I'm still waiting for something?  
_  
"Rach? You okay?" Lori took the plant from her hands. "Here, we're not far from your place, I'll take this for the last leg."

"Thanks, Lor." Rachel sighed, shaking her arms out. "I - I'm just having -" _I just wish it didn't still sting..._

"You're having a moment." Lori frowned at her. "Ugh, I'm sorry, Rach, I should know better than to -"

Rachel waved her off as they walked. "Lor, no, you shouldn't have to censor yourself for my comfort. It's been -" - _six months, fourteen days, and three hours_ - "- a long while since I last had any direct contact with Noah Puckerman. It's enough already." _It is. It's more than enough. _

_If only my heart and my brain could get on the same page about that._

* * *

"You know, I meant to ask, Puck. What made you get rid of the Mohawk before this trip?" Quinn opened the door to the shop, grinning. "The name of the store made me think of it."

"Oh, please." Puck ran his hands over his head. _It's just a fucking haircut. _"I'm not _bald,_ Q, I just thought...well, it was time to retire the 'Hawk. It served me really fucking well in high school, but...shit gets _old_ after a while. And I'm trying to be taken -" He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I'd like to be taken seriously, for once."

"Puck! That's - that's really mature of you," Quinn remarked. "You really are trying, huh?"

He looked at her blankly. "That's what I've been fucking telling you, Q, I wasn't kidding. I really wanna do something with my life."

_**"You could fucking **_**be**_** someone."**__  
_  
Puck shook himself. _Should I call - No. What do you want to accomplish, huh?  
_  
"Puck? You okay?" Quinn frowned at him. "You got all - _weird_. What's up?"

"Nothing, just - just _distracted._ Thinking." _And ain't _that _a fucking trip. _Puck looked around at the displays.

"Well, think of what you want for dinner, wanna eat here? They have actual food too. Or we could see what else is around."

_Rachel would have a list of her top five restaurants in the area, by cuisine, price and location_. He closed his eyes in disgust. _And what the fuck does _that_ matter, Puckerman? You trying to conjure her from thin air? One of those slow motion from across the room shits? Get the fuck over it. This ain't no fairy tale._

* * *

Rachel let them into the apartment, moving carefully to the windows to set down the clematis. "I do believe it's just me, I have a feeling tonight is the late night for both of them." _Alone with my thoughts. Wonderful. Another maudlin night._

"Come to dinner," Lori urged. "I promise no chocolate soup."

Laughing, Rachel headed towards the bedroom. _I'm not fooled by that one..._"If I want _real_ chocolate soup, Chocolate by the Bald Man was right there. Max Brenner's chocolate I trust. Your mother's is not chocolate. At all."

"Right you are, which is why Ma makes sure there's something other than that available at all times. C'mon!" Lori herded Rachel into the bedroom. "Get out of those heels and let's get going, Ma never cares if I bring you by." She crossed to the closet. "You know, you're the _only person_ I know who still keeps their shoes color-coded in their shoeboxes." Browsing idly, her eyes widened. "Red heels? Rach, you're holding out on me!" She reached into the closet to wiggle the box free.

_Red? Those are -_ "Lori, don't -"

"Oh, Rach." Lori took a deep breath.

"- open that." Rachel buried her face in her hands. _I should have hidden those better..._"Please don't judge."

"Honey, no." Lori reached in to pull out program and ticket stubs. "Noah?"

She nodded. "I - I couldn't just - not all of it." _No matter how much it hurts just to know they're there._ "So I put it in a box in my closet like I've put him in a box in my head. Someday, when I'm ready, I'll take it out and look. But for now -"

Lori looked down at the photograph in her hand. "No fucking way." _That blonde chick...she's in the fucking background...and her hottie...  
_  
"What?" Rachel leaned over Lori's shoulder. _The Glee picnic..._"Oh...I just - it's the one picture we had together while we were...whatever. I just - I wanted to, but I - I couldn't. I left the double behind, but I had to keep one."

"You guys look good together. What's with his hair though?" Lori raised an eyebrow. 

* * *

_**"You do realize you can't keep this haircut forever, Noah."**_** Rachel ran her fingers through his hair. **_**"Even if it **_**does**_** suit your persona."  
**_**  
**_**"Ha, fucking **_**finally**_**. That's the first time you've said anything other than how ridiculous it is."**_** He grinned up from her lap, nipping at her thigh. **

_**"Well, it's **_**Puck's**_** haircut. I happen to prefer Noah."**_**  
**_**  
"And I prefer **_**you..." Turning his face into her body, he licked a slow line up her thigh to her core, plunging his tongue inside her and pushing her down on the bed.**

* * *

_Rachel. Stop it. _"It was 'badass', and fit with Puck," she said quietly. "He looks much better without it."

_Oh shit_. Lori raised a brow, replacing the picture and the lid on the box. "He's gone without it?"

"Not by choice. He's pretty attached to it. And his reputation." Rachel took the shoebox back and returned it to the closet. _Much more than he was ever attached to me.  
_  
"So, Saturday should be awesome, right?" Lori grabbed Rachel's hand. "C'mon, let's get to dinner. Ma will stuff you silly and then we'll return you."

Squeezing Lori's hand, Rachel smiled, ignoring the sting of tears. _I just - we could've been - _ She exhaled roughly. "Sounds like a plan to me." _Compartmentalize, Rachel, just for a while. No good can come from dwelling on it now.  
_  
She glanced back towards the closet with a hitching sigh. _Or ever._

* * *

_**Saturday night...  
**_  
"Get up!" Quinn shoved at Puck, snoring on the bed. "Come on, you promised you'd go with me!"

Groaning, Puck hauled the pillow over his head. _Yeah, 'cause I'm a fucking idiot. _"That was before you dragged my ass all over the damn city all fucking week. And the Museum of Sex was _not_ fucking big enough or depraved enough to compensate for being subjected to the MoMA."

She scoffed. "And then you got to look at dinosaur skeletons in the Museum of Natural History and Yankee Stadium."

"Oh, _please,_ you made me stare at diamonds at the Museum of Natural History, and you didn't complain about Yankee Stadium when we were on the tour, you were just pissed you didn't come out with a rich boyfriend." He kept his eyes closed. _Just go away..._

Rolling her eyes, Quinn yanked the pillow away. "Yeah, well that just proves Yankee Stadium was for you and not me. You promised, Puckerman."

_**"I promise I'll gladly leave you the **_**fuck **_**alone to sleep this shit out of your system, just get that dress off."**_** Silk slithering over skin in the moonlight, his hand on her face for the last time before she left him behind.**

He shook himself, shoving aside the recollection. _Fuck me for giving a shit about my word. Sometimes being an asshole is just easier._ "Fuck, fine, I'm getting, we're going, shit..." _I need to get the fuck up out of New York City... _

* * *

"Have I mentioned, I love your costume?" Connor kissed her neck, eyes catching hers in the mirror. "You look fantastic."

Blushing, Rachel tilted her head to the side. "Thank you, Connor."

**Noah's jaw, nestled against her collarbone, his lips sipping at her skin while he breathed in her perfume.**

Closing her eyes, she sighed. _Enjoy this, damn it, you've earned it. You've earned him. _

Trailing his lips to her ear, he whispered softly. "You're _amazing,_ baby, knock 'em dead."

She turned back to kiss him with a smile. "That's the plan." _Always. I _am _Rachel Berry, after all..._

He smacked her on the ass. "Meet me at the bar after your routine?"

_You're not going to watch me? _She shook her head. "Uh-uh. You're my favorite prop!"

Connor muttered something with a sad smile before brushing a hand over her cheek. "See you on the dance floor then." He left the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

Frowning, Rachel shook her head and smoothed her brow. _He didn't say, 'I know', Rachel. He didn't.  
_

She rubbed her temples. _Except that I think perhaps he did. _

* * *

Puck smirked as he strolled into the club. _Fucking ID is awesome_. Letting out a satisfied sigh, he shook the armband down. "I'm gonna get me to the bar, want anything?"

"You not to make an ass of yourself," Quinn warned. "Don't get us thrown out, I wanna dance. It's our last night here."

"Yeah, no shit, and yet, here I am," he groused, spreading his hands out to indicate the crowd of teeny boppers and bachelorettes. "Give me a fucking break, Q, you go dance with the crazies, I'll chill _waaaaay_ over there." Puck pointed to the opposite corner as he walked away from her. _No fucking way. If I can't be at a bar picking up a chick or get drunk in a dive watching a game? I'm sure as shit gonna get plastered to compensate. _

Quinn positioned herself in a far corner of the main dance floor, having heard about the show. "I'm not in the mood to get roped in," she muttered. "Leaving me by myself. Should've figured."

Lori looped her arm through Connor's as he emerged from the backstage area. "Just give her a break, Connor, she's still -"

"Lori, you think I don't get it? She's gun-shy, she's wary of me, she likes that I'm more into her than she's into me. I'm not oblivious. I just wonder if I'll ever get past that." He rubbed a hand over the back of his head, heaving a sigh. "God, I think I even said something in the dressing room. I think I want her to notice."

"Of course you do, and knowing Rach? She will. I don't know what she'll do about it -" - _especially considering this week_ - " - but trust me when I say, Rachel isn't oblivious either. Just hang in there, if you can. You're the one who told her she was worth it, remember? She's still getting there, and you signed on." She poked him in the chest. "Is she or _isn't_ she?"

The synthesizer kicked through the speakers. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your Awesome 80's Prom!"

_You're on, Rachel._ Bright smile on her lips and bubble gum in her eyes, Rachel stepped through the curtains. _The best part of the show. _

_"Been there, done that, messed around  
I'm having fun, don't put me down,  
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet." _

Rachel brushed a finger along a strong jaw, spinning through the crowd. _Is that what's going on here? _

_"I won't let you in again, the messages I've tried to send,  
my information's just not going in." _

Puck accepted his Jack and coke with a faltering smile. _That - no fucking way, that sounds like - _He moved away from the bar, chugging half the glass. _You're fucking losing it, Puckerman, just relax...  
_

_"Burnin' bridges shore to shore, I'll break away from something more,  
I'm not to not to love until it's cheap." _

She bumped her rear into a bachelorette with a grin that verged on pain. _I let him be more into me, be the one who's more in love, so that I'm not hurt...Oh, Rachel, what are you doing..._She spun to Connor, inhaling deeply. _Do better. You can._ An apology in her eyes, she met her boyfriend's resigned gaze. _I'll show you, Connor, I can... _

_"This time baby,  
I'll be...  
Bullet...proof..." _

Quinn's jaw dropped as the crowd parted. "Oh give me a break. _Seriously?"_ Pressing her hand to her eyes, she removed them to see the scene unchanged. "Rachel Berry. Of course." Taking an agitated breath, she started to weave her way through the crowd towards the bar. "Screw this."

Lori stepped back from the couple, smiling as Rachel continued to work her way through the throngs on the floor.

"Excuse me," a voice came behind her, a hand at the small of her back holding her away.

_Hey, that sounds - _Lori turned. "Oh_ shit." _

Rolling her eyes, Quinn huffed. "I _said_ excuse me." She brushed past Lori towards the far corner.

"No. _No way."_ Lori turned to follow the blonde through the crowd.

Rachel's eyes flickered toward the brunette head moving rapidly away from her and she fought back a laugh. _That girl, she hates being in the middle of things, bet she's finding a seat. _

_"Tick tick tick tick on the watch and life's too short for me to stop,  
Oh baby, your time is running out..." _

She kissed Connor quickly, nipping his lip before pulling away. _I get the feeling it's _my_ time running out..._She grabbed another guy from the audience, spinning him into the middle of the dance floor.

_"I won't let you turn around,  
and tell me now - I'm much too proud.  
All you do is fill me up with doubt..."  
_

Rachel smiled angelically at her captive and shoved him into the throng near the bar. _You haven't let Connor in, at all, really. _

Puck sidestepped as a dazed teen fell back against the wood. _Damn, what the hell has him_ - "Oh, shit." He downed the rest of his drink as the parted people gave him a clear view of the dance floor. _Rachel. It's really her. Fuck_. He handed the empty glass to a passing server.

Quinn gritted her teeth, pushing her way towards the bar and looking at the faces around her. "This was much easier when you had that idiotic Mohawk!" she hissed.

Lori scanned the crowd, keeping the interloper in her sights. "If she's here, he's here, and there's no -" Movement in her periphery had her turning to see a ripple through the room. "Oh _hell_ no." Skimming and sliding her way through people to cross the floor. "Not on _my_ watch." She grabbed a bicep as he went by. "Damn, you _do_ have nice guns."

Shaking his arm, he looked down. "Uh, yeah, okay, thanks, and let go." _New York is a weirdass place. _

"Nope, not a fucking chance." Lori dug her fingers in and tugged him away from the main floor. "If you think I am letting you _anywhere_ near her, Puckerman, you've got another fucking thing coming."

_What the_ - "How the - Okay, I know the Puckerone is legendary but -"

"Yes, I know Rachel, and no, there is _no way_ on earth I am going to let you or Blondie anywhere near her, got me? You may as well just hang out, get drunk and get out as quickly as possible. You wouldn't want her boyfriend to kick your ass." Lori shook his arm.

_Boyfriend?_ His eyes flicked to the tall guy Rachel had been focusing her attention on. "Motherfucker."

"Yeah, exactly. Now back the fuck up." She tugged again.

"No." The word flew from his lips without conscious thought. _No way, she's right fucking there, I can't just - _ "No, the first time I got with her, the Good Lord gave me a sign. She cut it off then too. This is my sign. I can't leave without even talking to her. I don't give a _shit_ who you think you are."

"It's not about who I think _I_ am, it's about who I know _you_ can be, and who I know _she_ is right now. What she is? Is fucking _trying_. You tore that girl to shreds, Puckerman, and I have a sick feeling you knew you were doing it. Rachel's no idiot. If she sees good in you, I'm willing to go with her and believe she's right. But that means _you_ don't see the good in you, if you pushed her so hard and so far. And _that?_ She doesn't need. She's trying to get back on her feet, she's finally somewhere she feels like she belongs. She's never once heard _'Rachel fucking Berry'_ or had to _flinch_ when someone walked up to her holding a cup. It's been a good fucking time for her, and I am _not_ gonna let you fuck it up because you think the Good Lord is giving you a fucking _sign!"_

Rachel curtsied to the crowd, waving and posing, her ponytail bouncing. "Thank you all, and have a blast!" She ran through the crowd, grinning into Connor's eyes, pointing a finger towards the bar without breaking his gaze. _I can do better, I really can. I know I can. He's a good guy, why should I hold back? I can let go a little. Slow. _

"Oh, shit," Lori grabbed him, yanking him back through the crowd towards the rear of the room. "Listen, I don't know what you're hoping to accomplish. Oh, fuck, I _hope_ you know what you're trying to accomplish."

_Shit, Puckerman, she's got a fucking point. You're here with Quinn, and she's got a boyfriend. You look like the fucking asshole of all assholes. What exactly is going up to her gonna do? _He ran a hand over his head, tracking her across the floor.

"You _don't,_ do you." Lori shoved heavily at his chest. "Some sign, you're gonna go up to her and _what?"_ Spotting a blonde moving towards them, she exhaled. "Finally." She grabbed his collar. "This is your one chance. Tell me what you want to say."

Connor accepted his beer with a nod to the bartender, turning towards the archway as Rachel threaded through.

_Take a chance, Rachel, something little. Something good._ She sidled towards him at the bar, bumping her hip against his, the short skirt swinging. "Come here often?" she asked with a grin.

Tipping the bottle in salute, Connor took a sip. "So far, it's two weeks in a row for this girl. This fucking amazing girl. But honestly? I'm not sure what my chances are long-term. She could have any guy she wants, if she'd take a chance." He glanced around them, watching the eyes on them. "Half the room is watching her right now, hoping. Guy back there almost looks jealous. I think he'd kill me if he could."

Puck swallowed hard, watching the two shoulder to shoulder. "I want to tell her -"

_**"You could fucking **_**be**_** someone."  
"She won't. Not like I do..."  
**_

He shook himself. _I want to tell her so fucking much..._

Rachel looked up at Connor with a sad smile. "Connor, I'm so sorry. I - you are amazing, and I need to trust you. So...this is me, putting myself in your hands." She reached a hand up to his cheek, guiding his face towards hers.

Puck fought back the bile, watching her hand on someone else's cheek.

_**"I love you,"**_** she whispered to him.**

_Rachel_... "She's - is she -"

Closing her eyes, Rachel pressed her lips to his. _Please don't hurt me._ She whimpered as a sob threatened, an unexpected pain rising through her. The kiss went desperate as she held his head to hers. _Don't hurt me._

Connor buried his hands in her hair, kissing her back feverishly.

"Never mind," Puck choked out, turning away. _She's kissing him like she'll never get enough. _"Never mind, you're right...there's nothing for me here."

_What the fuck?_ Lori glanced back over her shoulder. "Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Is _that_ a sign too?"

_I'm gonna fucking throw up. _Swiping a hand over his mouth, he started pushing through the crowd towards where he'd left Quinn. "Yeah, a pretty fucking insistent one. She's - she's fine, she's happy."

"She's _trying."_ Lori shoved him towards an angry looking blonde. "You want a sign? Here's one. You see she's trying to fix herself. Why don't you try the same, and see where it gets you?" She turned both of them towards the door. "Good night and good luck."

Glancing back at the couple entwined at the bar, he exhaled heavily. _She's trying _something _all right. _

Lori looked over at Rachel again, biting her lip. "Puckerman," she called after him. Shaking her head, she muttered, "Damn it, Rach, you're not fooling me with that display..."

He turned around, frowning. _Just let me get the fuck out of here. _"What? I thought we were way done here."

"She has a picture." She glanced up, catching the flash of hope and pain in his eyes. _Yeah, you give more of a shit than you can admit. Definitely not letting you near her till you figure that shit out._ "You mean a whole hell of a lot to her. That means she thinks you're pretty fucking special." She slapped him on the arm. "Don't fuck it up. Be someone. And that includes? Not just sticking with things 'cause they're easy. That's what sets Rachel apart from all of us. She _only_ knows how to stick with the hard stuff." Shaking her head, she propelled him back towards Quinn. "I've been hanging around Will too much. I'll tell him you said hi."

_Yeah, no shit..._He caught Quinn by the arm and steered her towards the exit. "I'm about done here, you?"

Quinn glanced from Puck to the small girl behind them. "Actually, yeah...is everything -"

"Yeah, fine, never better, I just need to get out of here, find a liquor store and tell you I don't know that I wanna even be fuck buddies anymore." _Puckerman! What the fuck was that shit?_ He blew out a breath.

"Wait, what?" Quinn blinked at him. "What on earth just - _Oh, Puck_. Don't tell me."

"Don't tell you what? Nothing to fucking tell." He brushed past the bouncers and out into the chilled night air. _Nothing at all. _"I just couldn't take the kids and the drunk ugly chicks."

"Uh-huh. You were getting served, but that wasn't enough for you." Quinn rolled her eyes. "Sure."

"It happens." _Next to never._ He held his arm out. "Let's take a cab, I just wanna get out of the neighborhood. And the cabbies know where the liquor stores are."

Quinn shook her head. _I wouldn't have believed it, but - I really think _- "She looked pretty good, huh?"

"Yeah, she di - " Puck lowered his arm to slap himself in the forehead. _Oh, motherfucker. _"Shit."

"Rachel freaking Berry. Puckerman, I don't even know what -"

_Shut the fuck up. _He glared at Quinn. "Her name is Rachel Berry. No freaking, no - no fucking -"

**Her eyes wide and blind as she begged him to fuck her, groaning as he thrust deep over and over.**

_Fuck, Puckerman, get a grip._ He scrubbed a hand down his face. "Just _don't,_ Q. Don't."

She moved to the street to flag down a taxi herself. Getting one quickly, she ushered them inside it. "Nearest liquor store, then the Hotel Pennsylvania. Tip you extra if you stop at a White Castle or McDonald's along the way." Shutting the door behind them, she shook her head at the flustered boy beside her. "This is going to be a rough night."

* * *

Rachel pulled away from Connor slowly. "I...I'm so sorry, Connor, this hasn't been fair at all. You've been amazingly patient, kind, understanding...Let me try to be better. I - I'm appalled I didn't realize the inequity between us sooner, I just -" _I was just enjoying not being the one more invested for once..._

"It's safer not letting go. I know, Rach, and Lori reminded me that's what I signed on for, and she's right. You're worth trying for." He pecked her lips quickly. "Get ready for your next number, I'll be here."

"Promise?" She looked up at him searchingly. "I know I have much to remedy, so I must start with full disclosure." _It's far overdue, Rachel. You know it is. _Swallowing hard, she gave him a faint smile. "For most of my life? With the exception of my fathers? Anyone I've ever cared about has hurt me deeply and broken my heart. If you want to leave, just -"

He pulled her into another kiss. "Rachel. I'll be here. I do hereby swear and affirm."

Exhaling, she ran back into the fray. _I believe you. For once, I believe a boy when he says he'll stay._

Lori rubbed a hand over her forehead as she approached the bar. "God, I wish I drank." She sat down, shaking her head.

"Lori? Everything okay?" Connor took the stool next to her. "Saw you standing next to some guy who either wanted to puke or kill."  
_  
I'm fine, just had to wrangle Rachel's ex...ex-_something_. After meeting that dude? _Soooooo_ not just fuck buddies for him either._ "Yep, fine. Totally cool. He just wasn't enjoying the show I guess."

Connor grinned, gesturing for another beer. "The one on the floor or at the bar?"

"Yeah, caught that. Take it things are good with you and Rach?" She glanced around, exhaling roughly. _They're gone._

"She noticed, she says she wants to do better. I think that's the first kiss she's initiated in the six months we've been together." He took a long swig with a satisfied sigh. "She is worth it, Lori. You're right about that."

* * *

"I am a Lima loser, Q, you were right. Everyone was fucking right. Rachel is so much better off without me." Puck clenched his hand around the bottle of Jack as the cab crawled through traffic. _Of course she fucking is._

"How do you know? Because she has a job?"

"Internship, part of the program," he said absently. _And she kicks ass..._"No, her fucking boyfriend was there. If she cared that much -"

Quinn held up a hand. "Puck, you _do_ realize where you are and with whom, right? Being with someone? Not really the most accurate measure of whether you have feelings for someone else."

"She was sucking his face off, Q." _I know, I saw. _

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Did you hear her say I love you?"

He blinked. _How the fuck did she -_

"Or were you all the way across the room so she could be kissing him like that after an epic fight?"

Blinking, Puck reached for his wallet as they pulled up to the hotel. _Well, shit. _"I was across the room."

"Uh-huh. You know nothing, idiot. Except that we're here. Pay the guy."

Puck fumbled his cash free. _Oh shit_. He pulled the wallet towards him to replace the photo.

"Oh my God, Puck. You're _that_ guy." Quinn yanked the picture from his hand. "You're that guy. Who carries the picture of the old girlfriend he's still hung up on. Oh my God." She shook her head and exited the taxi.

He grabbed the change from the driver, dragging the bottle out of the car and slamming the door behind him. _Shit_. "Q, just -"

"What in the world were you doing with me, Puck, _huh?_ What got you so damn hot for me again that you're carrying her picture around?"

"You got hot for _me_ first, Q, I was just taking you up on your offer. And since we're being so damn honest, what the fuck brought _you_ to my door, huh?" The two moved into the hotel, avoiding other guests. "That was a big fucking surprise to me. And I have a feeling I know exactly what it was." He snatched the picture out of her hands. "You tell me."

Quinn ran her tongue over her teeth. "You want to know? Fine. You're right, okay? I saw you with her, saw how you were with her. I wanted that. I figured you would be that way with me." She hit the button for the elevator.

"I knew it. I can't fucking believe I almost destroyed the one person who actually saw me as more than a Lima loser for your ass. She fucking let go and never asked me to change, and all you'd done until I took control of this shit is try to turn me into fucking Finn. I'm over it, Q, I'm done."

He stalked onto the elevator. "You want to know why I got with you? To keep the fuck away from her. Because I didn't want to fuck her up, but I didn't give a shit about whether I'd fuck you up - I knew you already were fucked up, you were like me." Stepping inside, he leaned his head back against the cool metal wall.

"Ouch." Quinn hit the button for the third floor. "Thanks."

_Fuck, Puckerman. _He pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes. "Fuck, Q, I'm sorry. I'm all over the fucking place. This isn't about you, it's about my stupid ass. It's easy to share the wealth."

"I can see that," she groused, looking him up and down. "It was always her."

"And it was always him, Q. You know that." _And so did I. _Puck hefted the bottle of Jack. "This should be enough for two. C'mon."

* * *

Rachel tapped Connor on the shoulder with a grin. _See, Rachel? A boy you can trust. _"You're here."

"Told you I would be. I keep my word."

She looked up at him earnestly. "So do I." _I do, and I will. _

"I hope so. Want to start with dinner?"

"But -" Rachel looked at Lori. "Lor, I don't want you to -" _leave. Damn it, Rachel..._

"No, it's cool, go ahead! I'll head home, you lovebirds have fun." Lori waved and left Rachel and Connor behind, whipping her cell phone from her pocket. "Will? You home?"

Rachel smiled brightly. _Time to start living up to your word. Right now. _"Want to go back to Lombardi's?"

* * *

"What do I do, Will? Can I just not say anything?" Lori flopped back onto the couch. "And _damn,_ that boy is a mess."

Will laughed, shaking his head. "You're telling _me?" _

"Spring break," Dan offered. "That's got to be what they're here for. You guys are on break next week, but colleges are usually sooner."

"Which means they're leaving tomorrow." Lori sat up, exhaling in a rush. "Right? Break is only a week. So if we just stay close to home, we'll be good. We'll make pancakes tomorrow or something."

* * *

"How the fuck did we get here?" Quinn hiccuped. "See what you've done, Puck? You pucked me up." She laughed, taking another swig of Jack. "Again. I wonder what would've happened if we didn't the first time."

**Her eyes, soft on his in the shadows, her voice quiet in the darkness as she moved against him. "**_**You are so much more than you know, Noah, and she's a fool..."**_

He took a long pull from the bottle. "I wouldn't be as fucked as I am right now. Or maybe fucked in a different way. I wouldn't have joined the fucking Glee Club..." _And I'd probably still be that asshole_...He grabbed his cell phone, scrolling through the contacts.

* * *

"That sounds like a plan, actually," Will said slowly. "They would have to leave tomorrow. Keep her from every route to the airport, home as much as possible, and hide. Girls day. Movies. Something -" Cutting off, he slipped his phone from his pocket. "Dan, I think you're right about the surveillance. Lori, I think you should get out of here. This is going to take a while." Flipping the phone open, Will pinched the bridge of his nose. "Hello, Noah."

"Hi, Mr. Berry. I gotta ask. Is she happy? Would I still be an asshole if I didn't join Glee? Well, I know the answer to the asshole thing. I really wanna know if she's happy. 'Cause if she is, that's okay, but if she isn't, I really wanna talk to her, Will." He grabbed the bottle from the table and sat in the chair by the window again. "I fucked up. I know I did."

"Noah, she's not even home right now. She's out with Connor. But I'm guessing you knew that before the bottle of...?"

"Half. Jack." He took another shot. "More'n half. Fast." _Not fast enough..._

"Fantastic. You'll remember next to none of this." Will shook his head, leaning back against the couch.

"I'll remember too much of this. That's the problem. I remember too much. And I don't fucking know why. It's like I can't get her out of my head. And I think it's because I fucked up so bad and I didn't realize it. Until now."

"No shit," Lori groused. She clapped a hand over her mouth. "I'm going, sorry."

"Hey wait a sec. Is that Rach's friend? Tell her I know what I wanted to say. I wanted to say I'm sorry, and I shoulda believed her. Okay? Just tell her that." _I shoulda told her myself._ "I heard her that night and I shoulda believed her."

He pressed the bottle to his forehead. "I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry, Mr. Berry. I keep fucking bothering you. I can't figure out when the fuck to leave you all alone. Fucking Berrys. If I left her alone, if I hadn't pushed...she wouldn't have fucking said it...and maybe I could've fucking realized...Fuck, Q's right. She's fucking _right_. I carry her picture around like a fucking lovesick jackass. Because I _am_ one. Fuck." Puck shook his head, draining the Jack. _"Fuck."_ He flipped the phone shut, grabbing his wallet and stalking out of the room.

Lori glanced from Will to Dan and back again. "He seriously just...hung up? And he was already drinking at the club."

"He cursed twice and hung up, yes." Will groaned. "I have to call him back, he's not in his right mind."

"I'll do it." Lori held out her hand for the phone. "Gimme his number, I'll call him."

Will glanced at his husband and shrugged. "Sold." He tossed his cell to Lori.

She dialed the number in, hitting 'send' as she rose. She kissed both men on the cheek and let herself out of the condo.

* * *

Puck walked into the brisk New York air. _Fuck, Puckerman_. Fuck. _How were you so fucking blind?_ Rubbing his hands over the back of his head, he looked around him. _Lights mean people. Better than getting mugged. Uptown it is._ Starting off in that direction, he groaned. _Oh, shit, you hung up on Will Berry_. "Fuck!" _Great, Puckerman. You realize you fucking love his daughter and hang up on the one consistent link you have to her. Good fucking strategy.  
_  
He texted Q that he was going for a walk, startled when the phone rang with an unfamiliar number. _Oh shit. _Shit_. Will promised he'd put us in touch_...He answered the phone tentatively. "Hello?"

"Noah?"

"Who the fuck is this?" He looked up and down the street. _You're not Rachel._

"It's Rachel's friend, Lori. Noah, are you all right? Will was worried when you hung up."

_Shit_. "I - I'm okay. Thanks for checking. I'm just gonna call him and -"

"Where are you? Are you with Quinn?"

"Yeah, we're at the hotel." A cabbie honked, cursing.

"Bullshit. Where are you really?"

"The fuck? How do you know it's bullshit?" _What the fuck, is one of Rachel's requirements for a friend a fucking bullshit detector?_

"Oh, yeah? Lemme talk to her then." Lori leaned against the subway entrance. _"Or_ you can tell me where you are and I can meet you. Unless you want to pretend like you don't give a shit again. _I_ won't believe you, but you might manage to fool _yourself_ for a while."

_That's fucking low._ "She needed a friend like you in Lima."

"She thought she _had_ one. Even told me about him. His name was Noah Puckerman. He was just this asshole Puck to most people, but he was Noah to her, and that girl fucking _worshipped_ him. Didn't give a shit what people thought about the two of them. Know him?"

_Fuck this._ He spotted an awning for a liquor store, stepping inside. The bell above the door jingled merrily as he formulated a reply.

"Brown bag it, Puckerman, no open containers here. Where should I meet you? Where were you heading?"

_You know what? Fuck this, you want to know about Rachel, don't fucking kid yourself, just tell her._ "Times Square. I'm walking from Penn."

"Perfect, I'm downtown. There are big red bleachers right in the middle of it all, I'll find you there. Sit up towards the top but not far enough up the cops notice the bottle. I'll call you if I can't find you."  
_  
Had to be fucking bleachers, huh?_ He paid for the second bottle of Jack of the night, accepting the brown bag with a nod. "Yeah, okay."

"See you soon." Lori shook her head, hanging up the phone and skimming downstairs to pick up the subway.

* * *

Rachel snagged the last slice from the pie. "I can't believe I wouldn't eat pizza for years. This is just too good." _It's a fresh start, Rachel, in every way, just do it, you can..._

"Well, I'm sure pizza in Lima doesn't come anywhere close to New York City, so really you're only now being afforded the opportunity to have pizza in its true form." Connor swiped flour from her cheek. "Rach, I gotta ask. Is this gonna go anywhere? I'm having a great time, and you're an awesome girl, but I just don't want to keep pushing you if you're not ready to really be with me."

_Is this going anywhere? No._ She bit her lip. _Rachel! Give it a chance..._"Connor, I'm really going to try. That's all I can promise, that I'll try. I - I do have something of a sixth sense at times but I can't predict where this is going." _I haven't been able to sense anything since I realized it was Noah's baby. I don't know that I've _wanted_ to know anything after that..._She shook herself. "I can only pledge to you that I will try. I honestly hadn't consciously realized the inequity of our relationship until..."

"Until my comment tonight." Connor grabbed her hand. "Rach, I'm sorry, I know performance nights are sacred, but you said that and I couldn't even contain it. I wanted you to notice and I didn't know how to even start the conversation."

Rubbing circles on his palm, Rachel licked her lips. _And I didn't really want to hear it anyway..._"Connor, you're - you're amazing, you are, and I - I care about you so much..."

"But you don't love me, Rach. And I'm wondering if you'll be able to, or if this is just the wrong time. And whether there'd be a right one or if I'm just what you need for now."

"Connor -" She squeezed his hand. _Why can't I love you?_

He smiled at her sadly. "Rach, I know. I signed on knowing there was a good chance I was the rebound guy. Whoever he was, he screwed up big time, missing out on you."

* * *

_**"Honestly, Rach, he's an asshole."**_** His hand in her hair. "**_**I don't know why any guy lucky to have all your crazy making him the center of your universe would let you go. You're fucking gorgeous, smart, talented, sexy as fuck when you loosen up..."**_** His eyes on hers, earnest, insistent. **_**"He's an ass..."**_

* * *

She shook herself as he continued. _Rachel. Stop it. Just _stop _it._

"And you're awesome, you're amazing and caring and gorgeous. I don't regret it. I don't. But I don't know whether it's worth it to keep trying." He caught her eyes questioningly.

"Connor, please, I'm so sorry. You are so considerate, so patient. I swear I didn't know how I was holding my heart so apart from you." _Except that you did deep down, Rachel..._She met his gaze steadily. "Let me try, please? Give me a chance to try to make this work. Now that I see, now that I know. Can we?"

Leaning across the table, he kissed her softly. "Yes, we can. We can try. Okay? But Rach, just know that I'm going to hold back a little. I need you to meet me more first. I hope you can understand."

Taking a deep breath, she nodded. "I do. Of course I do. You've been there and I haven't. It's only fair." _I just hope I _do_ have something to offer you. _She kissed him back. "Thank you."

* * *

Puck raised an eyebrow as he approached the center of Times Square. _Definitely can't miss that shit. Bleachers. Motherfucking bleachers._ He wound his way through the pedestrian mall and climbed up about halfway, sitting and looking at the bright lights and billboards. _This is what she wanted, it's what she deserves, Puckerman. You know that. However she got here, this is what she deserves. What the fuck are you thinking you can do in one night?_ Glancing around, he unscrewed the cap on the bottle and chugged, swiping his hand over the back of his mouth as he recapped it. _I just - I want to know - shit, I really fucked everything up._

A hand tugged the bag from him. "God, that reeks. Seriously? I still don't get it." Lori handed the bottle back to him. "Maybe if I had a mixed drink. A really sweet one." Holding out her hand, she smiled. "Lori Bernardo. Nice to actually meet you, Noah."

Shaking her hand warily, he blew out a breath. _This girl is fucking fearless. _"Nice to meet you too, I think."

She leaned her elbows against the step behind her, lounging and looking up at the sky. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you'll think so before you leave."

* * *

Rachel leaned up on her tiptoes, kissing Connor sweetly. "Good night, Connor. And thank you for giving me a chance. A _real_ chance," she clarified. "I haven't been living up to my potential as a partner in this relationship, and I'm endeavoring to remedy that."

"Too bad your dads are home," he teased. "I could think of a way to start making it up to me."

_**"I'm not even supposed to be here."**_

Plastering a smile on her face, she pressed herself into his body, holding him tightly and listening to his heartbeat. "I'll let you know when they're out?" _Maybe._

He kissed the top of her head. "Sounds like a plan. G'night, Rach." Connor kissed her again, releasing her.

With a wave, Rachel walked into the building. _Just breathe, Rachel. Breathe. In and out, inhale and exhale. _She flashed a smile at the doorman, hitting the up button on the elevator urgently. _Please, just - I need -_ The chime sounded and she launched herself into the elevator, tucking herself into the corner and dialing her phone. _Come on, pick up, pick up..._

* * *

Lori bit her lip, glancing down at her phone. _"Don't go for second best, baby, put your love to the test..."_

"Is - is that -" Puck shook his head, taking a swig of Jack instead. _That's her, you know it is._ "I'm gonna be fine, you can just -"

Hitting 'ignore', Madonna cut off quickly. "She's got Will and Dan. You've got Jack and me. It's fine. I'll call her back."

"Why the fuck are you here with me anyway?" _You're her friend, you should be there for her. _He took another pull. _Like I wasn't. Like I didn't have the fucking balls or brains to be. _"You don't even know me."  
_  
_"Because you need someone to be here with you. You're calling her daddy for advice for fuck's sake." She shook her head. "And because Rachel wouldn't want you suffering alone."

Scoffing, Puck looked out at the crowd. "You sure about that? I'm pretty fucking sure she wouldn't give a shit after the way I treated her."

"Yeah, that's why she told Will to keep picking up the phone for you. Sure. That's why she nearly cried when I found her shoebox of stuff from you and her. Uh-huh." Lori smacked him in the back of the head. "You really are fucking dense, aren't you."

"She - he - what?" Puck rubbed the back of his head. _She knows? _"Are you -"

"She knows, Puck. She knows you're in touch with Will, he was telling her he'd stop taking your calls and she insisted." Glancing at him, she blew out a breath. "You really bought that shit tonight, didn't you?"

_You mean her fucking shoving her tongue down some other guy's throat? _"She didn't look like she was selling anything, unless it was a fucking tonsil exam."

She smacked him upside the head again. "I found that shoebox this week, she's been a fucking mess ever since. You of all people should know how good a game face she has."

**Her soft sad smiles as they passed in the hallway.**

_Wish I didn't. _He took another drink. "Yeah, I guess..."

Groaning, Lori punched him in the arm. "Listen up. She hasn't gotten rid of anything because she can't bring herself to. She said she's got you in a little fucking box in her head. Does that sound like she's all goo goo eyed over someone else? The word is _rebound,_ Puckerman, and even her boyfriend is figuring it out. That shit tonight? Rachel's realizing it too."

Startled, he looked over at her. "So then - if she - should I -" He capped the bottle, shifting to the front of the step to stand.

"Hey, what time's your flight?" Lori asked casually.

_Fuck. _He sank back down, closing his eyes. "Tomorrow afternoon."

"And where are you gonna be after that?"

"Lima." Sighing heavily, he opened his eyes to take in the scene around him again. "She belongs here, though. It's what she's always wanted, and she can have it. She'll get over me. She will. Fuck, I'm shocked she hasn't yet."

"That's 'cause way in the back of her mind? In that little box she has you in? She's convinced you love her too. You didn't fool her, Puckerman. And that shit? _That's _what drove her away. _That's _what brought her here. She knows somewhere that you gave a lot more of a shit than you wanted her to believe, but she's equally convinced that you didn't think she was worth fighting for." She raised an eyebrow. "How fast would _you_ get over that?"

* * *

Rachel burst through the door. "Daddy? Dad? Are you awake?" _Please be awake, please be around..._

Will turned worried eyes to Dan. "Damn it, she doesn't sound good."

Dan nodded, opening the bedroom door. "No, come on. Rachel? We're here, sweetheart, are you -"

She ran through the living room, launching herself into his arms. "Dad..." _Oh thank God._ Wrapping her arms around him, she let go, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm such a mess, I'm such a failure..."

Will hugged them both, pressing a kiss to Rachel's hair. "Oh, baby girl...no, you're not...What happened? Was the show bad?"

She shook her head, clutching them both. "No, Daddy...I just - I should never have pushed myself to be with Connor, I -" Body shaking with her sobs, she whispered, "I loved him so much..."

"Oh, Rachel..." Will tucked her head into his chest. "I know, sweetheart. I know..."

"I just - I want to have something for Connor, I do, but I just - I don't know if I -" She shook her head, pulling back to look her fathers in the eyes. "I don't know if I can, I just - I feel like such a fraud, I -"

"You're not a fraud, honey," Dan assured her, rubbing soothing circles on her back. "You're _human_. And you're hurting." He looked at Will over her head. "But I have this funny feeling that Noah is too."

* * *

Puck shook his head slowly. "Damn it, it's not about her at _all,_ she should know that. It's about _me,_ and about what a fuck-up _I_ am. I couldn't - I didn't want to fuck her up, I didn't want her to love me."

"Oh, fuck that. You're full of shit if you say that. Rach told me how it all went down. _You_ didn't want to love _her. _Scared the _shit_ out of you. Not that I said anything to her. Lord knows that's the last thing she needed to hear. The two of you could write a damn dissertation on self-deception. She keeps telling herself she's okay, she can move on, and you saying you didn't want her to love you?" She rolled her eyes. "Bullshit," she singsonged. "But it's what you both need to do. Just...at least be honest with yourself. You don't want to be with Quinn, you want -"

"I'm not with her. Not like that. Not even fuck buddies anymore." He shrugged. "You were right, it was just easy. We barely had anything besides sex. I can pick up chicks, no need to be with - with -"

"With the one girl on the entire planet you could sleep with that would be guaranteed to make Rach feel like shit? Yeah, good call." Lori ran a hand through her hair. "Listen, I have to get back to her. She's likely a mess. She was going to dinner with Connor, and Lord knows how that went." She stood. "I feel like Dr. Phil."

She nudged his foot until he met her gaze. "Rach may lie to herself, but she's not in love with him. She's in like, at most, and even that's not going to carry her through. But she's at least somewhere she feels like she can be herself. And she knows who she is. Go home, Noah, but do everyone a favor. Figure out who the fuck _you _are, and who you _want_ to be." Tilting her head, she looked him up and down. "It's a wide world out there. No one says you have to stay in Lima for the rest of your life either." Turning away, she started slowly down the steps. "Oh, and Puckerman?" Looking back at him, she gave a half-smile. "Don't lose my number either, okay?"

Rolling his eyes, he rubbed a hand down his face. "I won't." _How the fuck is it everyone Rachel knows believes in me more than I believe in myself?_

"Glad you met me?" she teased.

He shook his head. "Nope. Glad _she_ did." _She deserves a friend like you._ He swallowed hard, looking up at Lori. _ She deserves so fucking much..._"Really fucking glad she did."

Lori smiled at him. "Me too. She's fucking awesome." She raised a brow. "But then again, you know that. Would've helped if you realized and accepted that she always believed you were awesome too. If you ever get there? Don't fuck it up." Blowing him a kiss, she skimmed down the bleachers, dialing her cell. "Rach? Honey, I'm so sorry, I was in the subway...Yeah, I'm on my way, promise..."

Puck watched her disappear into the crowd, shaking the bottle to hear the sloshing. _There's your mission if you choose to accept it, Puckerman. Get your shit together. Fucking _be_ someone. Someone real. _He ran a hand over his shorn scalp. _You already started, right? _He stood, slowly making his way down the bleachers. _She fucking believes in me. About fucking time I did too. _Past_ time. _He dropped the bottle in the garbage. _Starting now. No one else is gonna do it for me._

_**"I've always believed you could do anything you wanted.**__"_

Rubbing a hand over his heart, he looked up at the marquees. _Not anymore, anyway. Fucked _that_ up good. Time to do it myself. _

_And I will._

_And then? _He chuckled and sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked back to the hotel. _Fuck if I know. But at the very least? It's a good fucking start._

* * *

**A.N.: ***ducks* Don't hurt me! You love me, remember? _Remember?_ And you trust me. And you know I love my Puckleberry. And I'm running away now. (But if you don't mind? The clickie. Over there.)


	7. A Change of Seasons

**A.N.: **So, as predicted, I was not able to get an update in a timely manner. :( But, it was for a good cause - soft pitch went VERY well, and I'm doing serious work on the novel. Not to worry, I'm still writing fic, I may just take longer between update. I'm _so _sorry. :-/ Hope you enjoy this enough to forgive me. 3

**Musical note: **Yes, I am taking liberties with Jericho. Shhh.

_Suggested listening: Life Will Go On, Chris Isaak; Change the World, Finger Eleven; Wishing Heart, Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories; Heal Over, KT Tunstall; Vienna, The Fray; Swing Life Away, Rise Against; Pretty Penny, Stone Temple Pilots; I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, U2__; White Flag, Dido  
_

* * *

**Chapter Six: A Change of Seasons**

* * *

Puck walked back into the hotel room, closing the door quietly. _That was...that was...I don't even fucking know._

"You okay?" Quinn's voice came hoarsely from the bed.

"Yeah, Q, sorry. I just - I had to get out." Tossing the keycard on the dresser, he crossed the room to the windows. _I couldn't breathe in here, not after realizing how much I fucked up. I can't believe I didn't - I couldn't - _shit_.  
_  
She sat up in bed, the low light of the lamp illuminating the sympathy in her eyes. "It sucks to see her happy, doesn't it? Since you're miserable."

_Why did I toss that bottle..._Puck shrugged, sinking into the chair and turning to the window. "I - I don't know if she is happy. Her best friend said this is a rebound."

"Well, duh. That's obvious. Was that the girl who you were talking to at Webster Hall?" She tilted her head quizzically.

"Yeah, Lori. Apparently Rach kept a picture of me, like a shoebox of stuff...so Lori thinks she's still - that she hasn't gotten over me." _Could she still_ - He shook his head. _Don't even think it, Puckerman_...

"She hasn't. Not if she still has your picture. That's the first thing to go when you're over someone." Quinn shrugged. "At least for me."

_Well, shit._ Puck raised a brow. "How much stuff do you still have, Q?" _Maybe the fact that she only left a few things behind means she really did keep the rest..._

"Everything," she confessed. "I only gave back what he asked for." She sat at the other chair at the table, staring out into the city. "What are you going to do?"

"What the fuck _can _I do, Q? We're leaving tomorrow. I say anything to her and what, huh? I have nothing to offer her right now." _Never have, but for some fucking reason she never cared_..."Pulling Cs in school, I think, and that shit won't get me in school here. No fucking clue about what I want to do with my life besides not be Finn. No offense," he added quickly.

Shaking her head, she smirked. "None taken. I don't want to be him either, but I _do _miss the way he made me feel like I could do anything."

_**"You're so much more than you know..."**_

_Fuck, I'm sorry..._"When we were - she was - Rachel thought that. I just proved her wrong over and over again." Scoffing, he rubbed his hands down his face. _In fucking epic ways too_. "I did _everything _wrong. Everything I could possibly have done to fuck things up? I'm good at that stuff. But _fixing _shit?" Laughing, he met Quinn's gaze in the window's reflection. "Fuck, Q, look where we are now. I don't know _shit _about how to fix anything." He looked away from her again. "Obviously." _I didn't even realize how much I fucked up till now..._

Quinn sighed. "Like I _do?_ I'm following the only path I know, and I don't even know if it's the _right _one. I can't be a cheerleader forever, and I don't really want to be Coach Sylvester. That woman _terrorized_ me. But I just - I don't think anything else I want to do is _realistic,_ you know? So I'm doing this until I feel inspired."

"What the fuck does _that _mean? You expect your purpose in life to find you?" He raised a brow. _This isn't a movie, real life _sucks_._

"Shut up, Puck, it's the best I've got right now, okay? The Jack is making me philosophical, just _go _with it." She shrugged. "Maybe not _find _me, but I just need to try things until something fits. Lima Community has a bunch of internship programs. Why not give those a shot?"

He looked over at her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "Thanks, Q." _I forget how cool you can be sometimes._ "And um, could you maybe not mention the whole -"

Rolling her eyes, Quinn squeezed back and released his hand. "Like I would _voluntarily _tell anyone I got dumped for Rachel Berry? Not likely."

"She got dumped for you," he protested. _Not quite, Puckerman, and you fucking _know _that, c'mon._

Quinn laughed. "You said yourself you only got with me to stay away from her. She got dumped because she scared you to death. Finn chose me for a while, but _you _didn't choose me. You just chose not _her."_

_Fuck_. Puck shrugged. _What the fuck do you expect?_ "How could I _not _be terrified? I'm a fuck-up, Q, we all know this, but she - she looked at me like -"

"Like the most amazing person ever. Like you hung the moon and the stars, and you could reach them for her if she asked. Like even at your worst, you were still all she wanted." Quinn gazed out into the night, a soft sad smile on her lips.

"Yeah." _You're surprised she gets it? She had that with Finn, asshole, and you fucked that up for her. _He looked towards the pensive blonde. "Shit. Q -"

"It takes two people to ruin a relationship, Puck. I could've left that night. I let myself be persuaded. You definitely didn't help things with me and Finn, but the cracks were there, on both sides. There's only so much bullshit one relationship can take." She pressed a hand to her mouth with a giggle. "I cursed!"

_**"Ha! I said 'fucking'! I cursed!" **_**Looking at him through glazed eyes, burning sincerity when she insisted he could fucking **_**be**_** someone.**

_Yo, asshole, pay attention._ Puck tuned back in to hear Quinn continue.

"Finn and I reached that point." She looked out into the night again. "And he stopped looking at me like that."

He sighed. "I tried to make her hate me. I thought it'd be easier. But it - I - " _I couldn't stand it. I should've fucking figured there was_ _more _- He rubbed his hands over his missing Mohawk. "I kissed her. Two weeks before graduation. I fucked everything up even worse." _But I _still_ can't fucking regret it..._

"No wonder you were so freaked out when we went back to McKinley. Because Rachel transferred. You drove her out of town." Shaking her head, Quinn turned and gave a sympathetic smile. "You're a _mess,_ Puckerman. Even _more _of a mess than me."

_"No shit._ That's what I've been saying." _Welcome to the party._ He slouched in the chair, tipping his head backwards. "I don't know what the fuck I want to be when I grow up. What do I have to offer her from Lima? The best I can do is try to figure me the fuck out." _And then maybe someday_...

* * *

Lori burst into her bedroom. "Rach? Honey, are you all right? Was dinner hideous? Did you guys -"

Rachel drew a ragged breath. "I don't ever want to hear or think about Noah Puckerman ever again. Thanks to him, I may have ruined a perfectly wonderful young man." _Not to mention he might have ruined_ me...

"Oh, Rach..." Lori sat next to her on the bed, tucking Rachel's head into her shoulder. "Did you guys break up?" She chewed her lip in thought.

"No, we agreed I'd really try to be present in this relationship. I can't believe I was so blind..." She closed her eyes. _You're _better _than that, Rachel, you _know _that._

Lori sighed, stroking her hair. "Well, you realize now. You know. So, you try." She looked away with a quick frown. "And Noah Puckerman does not exist in your universe. I got it."

"I am _quite _serious about it, Lori. I simply _cannot _afford to let myself be diverted. I am going to throw myself wholeheartedly into being Connor's girlfriend. He deserves that." _What about what_ you w_ant, Rachel? What_ you _deserve?_ She sighed, shaking herself. "I can control myself, and I can be better. I _can." This should be everything you want, Rachel. Everything you deserve. Just put Noah Puckerman out of your mind._

"I _can."_

Rachel bit her lip, hugging Lori tightly. _Who are you trying to convince?_

* * *

_**Late June**_

Connor guided Rachel carefully into her bedroom. "Come on, lightweight, I'm glad you waited until your dads were out of town to forget your limits."

Rachel grinned sloppily. _"Exactly!"_ She tapped him on the nose with her pointer finger for emphasis. "I'm _smart,_ and - and _talented _- and _tricky _- and - and I have _strategery."_

_**"You're amazing, Rach...In every way."**_

She shook herself foggily. _No, wrong_...

Rolling his eyes, he nodded and sat her on the bed. "Yes, and nuculear weapons. I got it, George W. Berry, _relax."_

She shook her head vehemently. "You don't call me Berry. I don't want _anyone _to. I told him my name was Rachel." _Focus...you're getting mixed up..._

Frowning, Connor brushed her hair from her face. "I won't, Rach, sorry. I was just making a joke."

**The laughter of the Gleeks. Whispers in the hallway as she walked around in a football sweatshirt.**

She pursed her lips. _I don't like it._ "I wasn't a joke. _We _weren't a joke."

Connor ran a hand down his face. "No, Rach, you weren't." He pulled off her heels with a sigh. _"We_ were," he muttered.

_That feels better_. Sighing, she stretched out on the bed, wiggling her toes. "Heels are torture. I don't know why Lori wants me to wear them. They make my legs look amazing, she's right, but I can't walk! They hurt my toes."

"So you said the whole way home." Shaking his head, "Rachel. Come on, just get changed at least, okay?"

_**"I'll gladly leave you the **_**fuck **_**alone to sleep this shit off if you just get that damn dress off,"**_** he said, voice insistent through the haze of wine.**

_You want to get back to her so desperately, don't you...She always wins, the perfect blonde cheerleader...I could never compete..._Tugging her dress up and over her head roughly, she tossed it at him. "There, now _go away,_ Noah." _Rachel!_

"Did you just -" Connor steepled his fingers around his nose, breathing slowly. "Well, that answers _that_ question." He yanked down the covers, settling her beneath them.

_Get a hold of yourself, what did you just say?_ She blinked slowly, looking over at him. _Not Noah. Not even _close,_ Rachel!_ She buried her face in the pillow.

"Go to sleep, Rachel, I'm going home. Rachel." He shook her shoulder. "Let me know you hear me, I'm leaving."

"That's stupid, c'mere." She patted the bed beside her. _Just forget I said it, please? I can't - I should never have let myself -_

"Not going to do it. Sorry." He swallowed hard. "I should have known better than to let you drink a bottle of wine by yourself, but I guess things happen for a reason."

"I'm _graduating,_ that's why, it was a _party_. And I can party, see?" Rachel groped for Connor's shirt, grabbing him and yanking him down. "Come party." _Make me forget..._

"Absolutely not, Rachel, I'm sorry." He pecked her on the lips. "Sleep. If you still want to party in the morning and can convince me you want to party with me? Different story. But tonight? Not even close. I'm sorry." Extricating himself from her grip, he left the room, letting himself out of the apartment.

Rachel swiped at her eyes. _Damn it, Rachel,_ damn it! _Well, that's probably that_..."I'm sorry too, Connor." _But I guess I can't pretend anymore, and I can't stand to break your heart any more than I already have. _She let the blanket of sleep settle over her._ I would rather you break up with me than I break up with you..._

The next morning, she stumbled out to find ibuprofen and water, the apartment silent. _What did I do? Did I really call him Noah last night?_ She picked up the phone. _I did. Because part of me knows...I want him angry enough to break up with me. I don't want to do it..._Exhaling in a rush, she dialed his number._ I don't know if I want him to pick up or -_

"Hello?"

_I do believe I might be sick._ Rachel licked her lips. "Connor. Hi. It's -"

"Hi, Rachel. How are you feeling?"

_Like I just completely destroyed any hope we had of having a real relationship._ "I'm - I'm okay, I took some Advil and drank a lot of water." She forced a smile into her voice. "I was about to make breakfast if you wanted to come -"

"Rach..." He sighed heavily over the line. "Rach, this isn't working. You _know _it's not working."

She bit her lip, swallowing hard. "Connor -" _I just - it was a mistake, a slip..._

"Rachel, _please_. You said you'd try, and you _have _been, but you called me another guy's name when you were drunk. You're not over him, I don't know if you _want _to be over him, and I won't sit around waiting and hoping anymore. I'm sorry, but I'm done."

_Thank goodness. _She shook herself. _Rachel! You were supposed to be trying! _"You _can't _hold me responsible for what I said while I was drunk, Connor, you -"

"If that were all it was, Rach, _maybe,_ but this has gone on too long, hasn't it? He screwed you up good, nothing I can do will fix that. I can't fix you and frankly, I'm sick of trying. I wish you luck, and I mean it. But I've had enough."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. _You have no idea just how sorry_..."I really am, Connor, I'm so sorry. You're wonderful, truly, I just - I can't say I'm in love with you and I know that's what you want."

"Forget about being in _love _with me, I would've settled for just being number one on your list, Rachel, but I never got there. Not once, not for a minute."

_**"You should go be with Quinn. You always wanted to. Even when you were with me. Every time."**_

_Oh, Rachel. What have you done? _She rubbed a hand over her forehead. "Connor, I'm - I'm sorry. You're right. Damn it, I did to you what he did to me."

She was met with only silence.

_You did. You absolutely did. _Her stomach took a slow roll. "Oh, Connor. I'm _so _sorry. I - I hope you know I never meant to -"

"No, I know. If I thought you were playing me _deliberately?_ I would tear you apart. But you _didn't,_ Rach, you're just lost. And I can't sit around and wait for you to find yourself again. I _won't,_ not anymore. Good luck, Rachel." He hung up, the dialtone echoing in her ear.

Rachel sagged against the counter, head in her hands. _I am everything I never wanted to be. Damn you, _Noah,_ damn you, _Quinn,_ damn you, _Lima...She shoved away from the counter, storming into her bedroom. _Who the hell needs any of that, I just ruined_ - ruined - _a chance with a gorgeous, wonderful man for what?_ She ripped the shoebox from the closet, grabbed her garbage can, and opened the box. _Get out of my head, get out of my heart, get out, get out, get out!_ She carefully withdrew the picture, staring at it. _You did everything you judged them for doing to me, Noah, _everything_. Why? I just wish I knew why..._

* * *

_I'm getting there..._Noah looked at the screen again, the array of Bs making him smile. _You can fucking do this, Puckerman. Who would have thought - Fuck that, you_ know _who would have thought it._ "Hey, Ma!"

Ilana Puckerman stuck her head in his door. "You hollered, Noah?"

"Sorry...I just wanted to show you my grades for the semester." _'Cause for once they don't fucking_ suck.

"You - you _wanted _to?" Shaking her head, she laid her hand on his shoulder and peered at the screen. "Oh, Noah, I'm so proud of you!" She kissed the top of his head. "And not just for getting rid of that ridiculous haircut. It's like you came back from New York a different person. And as your mother, I wholeheartedly approve."

His smile went self-deprecating and a little sad. "I kinda _did,_ I guess." Had_ to._

She sat on the bed, frowning at him. "Noah, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but...can you maybe clue me in? Not that I don't want this to continue, I'm so thrilled to see you putting in an effort, but..." Ilana sighed, looking up to the heavens. "I'm the most horrible mother ever to ask this, but _why?_ What happened in New York, Noah, will you tell me?" Leaning towards him, she raised her eyebrows. "You leave with Quinn, in that strange casual thing I hate. You come back, and she's pitying you, you don't do that anymore, and you're suddenly trying to find your purpose in life. I've never seen you so driven. And it's lovely, it is. But I can't help but worry about what happened there."

Running his hands over his head, Noah turned to meet her eyes. "Remember that article in the Observer? How I told you never to mention Rachel, especially around Quinn?" _Though it might've been more for me than her..._

Ilana stared at him for a long moment, then smacked him on the back of the head. "You _idiot_. You had the perfect Jewish girl and screwed it up for Barbie? I should've known. And you drove her all the way to New York?" She smacked him again. "No _wonder _why William and Daniel couldn't look me in the eye the last time they were at temple. They know, don't they."

_I'm almost afraid of how much they might know. _He sighed. "Will definitely does. I'd guess Dan too. I - Will's kinda...he's kinda been helping me figure shit - _sorry _- stuff out."

Jaw dropping, his mother collected herself and spoke slowly. "Goodness, Noah, you couldn't just talk to _me?_ Honestly, Rachel's father?"

"Ma, you had to_ ask me why_ I was trying so hard." He waved her off. _Not like I don't deserve it, honestly. _"It's okay, Ma, I understand why. That's why I - I wanted to have something to show you, like this." He gestured at the screen. "I needed to prove myself a little." _And not just to you._

"So, what have you been figuring out?" Ilana brushed her thumb over his cheek. "My Noah with a purpose. I _like_ this Noah."

"Fuck, Ma - _sorry,_ sorry...I just don't know what to do with me yet. I'm pulling good grades in these classes, but they're not...I don't know, they're just not it." He pointed at the screen. "I mean, I took a little of everything. I wasn't really too interested in _anything_. I just actually -" He shrugged, eyebrow lifted as he laughed. _Who the fuck would've guessed that all it took was -_ "I just actually _studied_. I know, Ma, I could've done it _all_ along. I got it, _now."_ Exhaling heavily, he leaned back in his chair. _Seems to be a fucking trend - not realizing shit..._"I just wish I knew what to do with it." He glanced up at the bulletin board, smirking at the graduation announcement. "Least I know better than I did _then."_

"Oh, that _reminds _me! Aren't your friends graduating this weekend?"

_Oh, shit._ "Yeah, Ma...they are." _Would she_ - Rubbing a hand over his mouth, he punched up Google, entered "The Dalton School" in the search. _I wonder_...Clicking the homepage, he blew out a breath. Everyone _is graduating_. "I, um - mind if I make a phone call, Ma?"

* * *

Lori sighed, patting Rachel's back. "Honey, you had to expect it. You _know _you did. Sometimes I think you wanted it to happen." She pinched her arm lightly. "Drinking a bottle of wine is a surefire way for things to happen."

**Bottle swinging as she opened the door, the overwhelming urge to kiss him and slap him pushed aside. **_**Why are you here, Noah? "Noah! What an **_**un**_**pleasant surprise!"**_

Rachel flipped over in Lori's lap, looking up at her friend. "Did I do it on purpose?" _That's a _question,_ Rachel? Honestly?_

"Uh, _yeah,_ Rach, you _did_. So _this,"_ Lori gestured down at the brunette spread across the bed and into her lap, "might get old pretty fast." She raised an eyebrow. "Honestly, babe. What do you want to do now?"

_Go back in time and tell myself not to date him? _Groaning, Rachel pressed her hands to her eyes. "I just wanted - I don't know, it had just gone on for long enough. I didn't want to hurt him."

"So you hurt him. Nicely done." Lori's eyebrow lifted higher. "You _do _realize that, right?"

Rachel huffed, rolling her eyes. _But it's - this is for his own good! _"Okay, _fine,_ geez, Lori, you're supposed to be on my side here!"

"Rach, you checked out. You know you did. I mean, shit, if Connor didn't slip the night Noah was here, I doubt you would've -"

"What?" _ I didn't just hear that. I did _not. Rachel shot up from Lori's lap, sitting up to stare at her. "I'm sorry, you're going to have to repeat that." _Again? Someone I care about is talking to Noah Puckerman?_

"If Connor didn't slip the night I hurt my ear -"

"That wasn't it, Lori." _Though it's sweet for you to actually care about my feelings on the matter._

"If Connor didn't slip the night things got clear?"

_Nice try. _"No, still not it."

"If Connor didn't slip the night no awes here?"

"Lori. I could have sworn - not that it makes any sense _at all_ - that you spoke his name." _And that he was _here.

"Why would I possibly say - I wouldn't have any reason to -" Lori bit her lip. "You love me?"

* * *

"Noah?" Will rolled his eyes, mouthing "sorry" at his husband. "What's going on?"

"Hi, Will, I - I realized Rachel's graduating Friday. I, um...I was hoping to speak to her. I - I was going to call tomorrow, but I know how she gets before an event, so I thought tonight would be better."_ I sound like such a__ fucking__ moron, what the fuck is it every time I speak to him now?  
_  
Will sighed. "Noah, we're not home, actually. I would rather be home for her when you speak, if you -"

"No, that's -" _I wouldn't want her alone. _Nodding slowly, Noah moved to the window and grabbed his guitar, dropping back on the bed. "Could I - could I call tomorrow maybe?"

Will looked to Dan, the question in his eyes.

Shrugging, Dan nodded. "Should be fine," he whispered.

"Tomorrow night, Noah. Should be fine."

_Tomorrow night. Okay. _He let out a breath. "Thanks, Will, I'll speak to you then." Hanging up, he tossed the cell phone behind him and picked out a melody.

* * *

"I can't believe you kept this from me. _All_ of you." _You kept _him _from me. _Rachel stood at the window, looking out into the night. "He was there. He was _right there."__ So close, and so far away._

"And leaving the next day. He didn't even know what he wanted to say to you until you and Connor were already long gone."

"What?" Rachel turned to her. _He wanted to - _"Lori - what did he want to say?"

"He -" Lori shook her head. "Rach, I don't know if now's the best -"

"You ignored my call because you were with him, didn't you?" _How close was he? _Rachel sank onto her bed. "Lori, tell me, what on Earth was going on?" _How, where...why?_

"He wanted to say he was sorry," she explained. "To apologize to you. But you were already out with Connor." Her eyes were steady on Rachel's. "He realized he'd fucked up, but at that point, you had thrown yourself into everything with Connor. And he went out and got drunk. We were afraid -"

"Oh, Noah." _Over me? Honestly? _Rachel shook her head. "He _would_ do that." She waved a hand at Lori. "I'm not surprised Daddy wouldn't mention his calls, but Lor, I would've thought -"

"Remember when you came back that night? What you told me?"

Chewing her lip, Rachel nodded. _Damn it. Yes, I remember._ "That I never wanted to think about Noah Puckerman again."

"Yeah. How exactly was I going to have that conversation, hmm?"

"But that - Lor, that was _months_ ago." _If I had known...if you had said..._

"And months where you kept telling me you were 'really trying' with Connor, insisting things were getting better. Uh-huh."

"Damn it, Lori, quit being right." _I just...I can't believe..._Tossing herself face-first on the bed, Rachel let out a low scream into the mattress. _Even over 500 miles away, Noah Puckerman can still turn my life upside down..._She flipped over. "I just wish you'd said something anyway, Lor. He was sorry?"

"Yes, he was sorry, he wanted to tell you he knows he screwed up. But that you deserve to be here, however it happened."

Rachel frowned quickly at her. _I feel like you're holding something back..._"Are you certain that's all he said?"

"Those were the words that passed his lips to me, honest." Lori crossed her heart. "That's all he said to me directly, anyway." She raised a brow. "You still mad at me?"

Sighing, Rachel closed her eyes. _He was _here_..._"A little. But I'm -" She looked into her friend's worried eyes. _And he saw me with Connor. And then he – _Frowning quickly, she took a breath. _Don't, Rachel. No use imagining his feelings. _"I'm glad you were there, Lori, and I did make it virtually impossible for you to say anything." _My own stubborn nature yet again leads me astray. _

"Oh, thank goodness," she breathed. Lori flopped down next to Rachel. "You know, he really does look hotter without the Mohawk."

Rachel punched her in the arm. "I know." _Believe me, __I know..._

* * *

_**Thursday  
**_  
"Rachel? Sweetheart, we're home." Dan tossed his keys on the sideboard. "Honey?"

She padded out of her bedroom. _Finally. _"Dad. Hi." Wrapping her arms around him, she sighed. "I'm glad you're home." _I needed you..._

"What happened, baby girl?" Will hauled the second bag inside, kicking the door shut and approaching to rub her back. "What did we miss?"

"Connor and I broke up," she whispered. _Like that was a surprise._ "And Lori told me about Noah." _That, I'm sure is a shock..._

"She told you - what did she say, honey?" Will exchanged a glance with Dan.

Frowning, she repeated Lori's statements. _What am I missing?_ "He wanted to apologize, he realized he had been mistaken, but he wanted me to know I deserve to be here." She watched him let out a breath. _"Why,_ Daddy."

"Nothing, sweetheart, I just wanted to know how she told you. In case I needed to clear anything up for you." He kissed the top of her head. "Are you angry?"

"Yesterday. Now I'm just - I'm _sad,_ Daddy." _For everything..._"That apology came too late to really do any good. I already ruined things with Connor." She released her fathers to sink into the couch, her legs tucked beneath her. "If he'd said something, given some indication..." _I thought I had been mistaken all along..._She tucked her hair behind her ear, catching Will's gaze. "Daddy, am I - am I a horrible person? I knew it, I _knew_ I wasn't - I didn't -" _I couldn't love him. My heart's not free._

Her fathers sat on either side of her on the couch, their arms around her. "Pumpkin, you told him you could only try, right?" Dan nudged her. "And it didn't work out."

Sighing heavily, she pulled them closer. "But I wanted to, so badly." _It's everything a girl could ever want, except..._"Everything with Noah - I just - if he'd said, if he'd only said then, that he was sorry, that he knew he hurt me..." _That he made a mistake..._Leaning her head back, she closed her eyes. "Maybe then I wouldn't be so scared..."

Will's phone rang from the table. "Let me get that." Pressing a quick kiss to her hair, he leapt from the couch, nodding towards his office. "I'll be right back." Grabbing his cell, he moved away from Rachel and Dan. "Hello?"

* * *

"Hi, Will - is now a good time?" Noah paced the length of the floor, cell pressed to his ear. _Calm the fuck down, Puckerman, it's a fucking _phone call.

Glancing back towards the living room, he closed the door to his office behind him. "Absolutely not, Noah. I'm sorry, but I can't let you speak to her."

"Is she all right?" Noah sat up straighter, looking around his room. _Shit, what the fuck do I do if she's_ not? "Is there - can I -"

"She's - Noah, she's fine, it's just not a good time right now. She - her boyfriend - " Will shrugged. "What the heck, they broke up, Noah, I'm guessing in no small part because -"

"Because of _me_." _Great job, Puckerman, even long distance you manage to fuck up her life._ "Of course now wouldn't be a good time. I just - I just wanted to congratulate her. I'm sure she did well this year."

Will sat behind his desk. "Top ten in the class." He grinned. "Going on to Juilliard. We're proud of her. How'd you do?"

"Bs in everything. Showed my mom. She's impressed. And says she's sorry I'm an idiot." He sighed, shaking his head. _I am too._

Snorting a laugh, Will rubbed a hand down his face. "That's Ilana. Tell her it's all right. And you know, you have Rachel to thank for your safety. She told us we weren't allowed to touch you. She cared deeply, Noah. Very deeply. And you hurt her just as deeply. I'll tell you what I can do. Call back, leave a voicemail. I'll let her know."

_Close, but not too close._ Blowing out a breath, he nodded. _And I still get to tell her I'm sorry. _"That sounds - that sounds perfect. Um, thanks."

"I'll leave the phone in my office. Just call back after we hang up. I'll let her know tomorrow morning, probably." He smiled. "And congratulations, Bs are quite an accomplishment. Any further enlightenment on the career path?"

"Nothing. Was kind of hoping to find something through the part time jobs and stuff, but nothing struck me. Tried internships, different classes. Nothing really." _She'd call me the Jack of All Trades, Master of None. _He strummed idly on the guitar. "I found stuff I'm good at, but nothing I really want to do for the rest of my life." _Except maybe be the kind of man who deserves her. _He bit back a groan. _Puckerman. Get a grip._

"Sorry, Noah. It'll happen though, just give it time. You've only recently come to the conclusion you can accomplish _anything_. Not everyone is Rachel." He pushed back from the desk. "And I'm going to get back to her. Have a good night, Noah. I'll leave my phone in here."

"Thanks, Will. I hope graduation goes well." Noah's stomach twisted. _What do I say? Besides telling her I'm sorry?_

"I'm sure Rachel would say thank you. Good night."

"Good night." The dial tone sounded in Noah's ear as he licked his lips. _Fuck, Puckerman. Make it good. _"Here goes everything," he muttered, and hit redial.

* * *

Closing the door on the now-vibrating phone, Will rejoined Rachel and Dan. "Sorry about that, tell me everything, Rach."

"I wish there were more to tell. I just - we just aren't working. My heart's not in it. And he noticed." _And realized I couldn't. _She snuggled into Will's shoulder. "Fresh start again tomorrow, right? Graduation." _A much better one than last year. It has to be._

"And let's not forget what comes after, baby girl. I think you've got a lot to look forward to besides a boy, hmm?"

Blushing, she grinned at her fathers. _How far have you gone, Rachel, that your career is not the first thing on your mind? _"Oh, _that."_

"Mm-hmm. _That_. Some college. Dan, what was it called again?" Will frowned dramatically.

"Julien? Julius? Something fancy with a J." Tapping his finger to his chin, Dan looked up towards the ceiling.

Snapping his fingers, Will gestured at his husband. "Wait, I remember - _Juilliard!"_

"That's a really prestigious music school, Will. Are you sure?" Dan cupped his hands around Rachel's ears. "I don't want to get her hopes up," he whispered loudly.

Rolling her eyes, Rachel freed herself from her dad's grasp. _I love you both so much..._"Yes, all right, _fine,_ Juilliard is _more_ than adequate compensation for my personal struggles. But you _do_ know that it's Dr. Dalton's doing."

"And _your own work_ in their summer program, and their audition," Will remarked. "Don't take anything away from yourself, Rachel. Give yourself the credit you deserve."

* * *

"Don't ever doubt yourself, Rach. I'm so sorry if I took that from you, but you're _amazing_. And I want you to know that I know you deserve this. You worked hard for this opportunity, and I - I'm just proud to say I knew you." _I wish I could say more._ "Congratulations." Finger hovering over the keypad, Noah hit 1 to send the message. _I'm not gonna listen to it again, or I might just erase it._ He tossed the cell to the side, padding his way through the house.

Ilana looked up from the kitchen table. "Did you call?"

Nodding, he snagged the orange juice from the fridge and poured himself a glass. _Leave it to a Jewish mother to know exactly what the fuck I was doing._ "Yes, I called, Ma. She - apparently she and her boyfriend broke up yesterday. I had to - I left a message." _And thank fuck. If I had to talk to her directly after fucking this relationship up too? I can't..._

"Well, hopefully she'll listen to it. So when's that barbeque you have to go to? You wanted my coleslaw?"

"It's Saturday, Ma, this weekend. Let me know what I need to get for you, okay? I'll help." _And I'll actually give it a shot to really help. I can be a better son._

"Who all is going to be there, anyway? How many people am I cooking for?" She finished her coffee.

"Well, it's New Directions, except for Rach." _Your fault, Puckerman. All your fault and you know it.._ "And then Schue and Ms. Pillsbury."

"Why not Rachel?" Ilana frowned. "Did you mess her up _that_ much, Noah?"

"We don't have her _address,_ Ma, geez." _And_ _maybe I _did_ screw her up that badly. Damn it__, Ma__._ "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Noah, I'm not blind. That's your job." She smirked at her son. "Sorry, couldn't resist." Standing from the table, she kissed his cheek in passing. "There's some raisin kugel in the fridge if you want. I'll see you in the morning."

"Thanks, Ma. I might just cut a piece." Noah kissed her back. _Give me something to do with this fucking _pit_ in my stomach. _"And um, _thanks_. For - y'know, for seeing the potential in me."

"Noah, that's my job. I was doing a poor impression of it, but there's no denying you have all the potential in the world. Just find a place to channel it, hmm?" She walked back towards her bedroom. "Good night, Noah."

He sliced himself a chunk and sat at the table. _Yeah, I'm trying, Ma. I'm trying._

* * *

_**Friday  
**_  
Rachel stretched with a sigh. _The first day of the rest of my life. Again. But at least if I have to sing a Glee song, this time I'm singing with a real friend._ Tossing the covers from her, she rose to head into the kitchen, accepting the cup of tea Will offered with a smile. "Thanks, Daddy."

"No problem, sweetheart. How're you feeling this morning? Still angry at the world?"

_Angry went away pretty quickly, more's the pity..._Sipping slowly, Rachel shook her head. "No, just...well, I suppose if it had to happen, now was the time, right? Nothing holding me back as I transition on."

Will withdrew his cell phone from his pocket, setting it on the table between them. "Speaking of that, baby girl. That _was_ Noah last night. He wanted to talk to you. I held him off."

_Noah, calling for me. For _me. Swallowing hard, Rachel took another sip of the chamomile. _And you kept him away. _Again_, damn it. _"I was in no condition to speak to him last night." _But that was the correct course of action. _

"Which is what I told him. But he did leave you a message." Will finished the last bite of his toast. "You don't have to listen to it now. But, I do think you should listen to it." Standing, he kissed the top of her head. "At your pace. If today's not it -"

"Today is not the day, Daddy, I'm sorry." _I can't afford to have him in my head..._"I need to focus today, the performances for graduation -"

Will snatched the phone back and replaced it in his pocket. "That's fine, Rachel. Get ready, go. Your public awaits."

_**"Your public awaits,"**_** he said, the sweatshirt and his arm enveloping her as they stepped out into the hallway, Quinn's face stony while Rachel beamed.**

Plastering a smile on her face, Rachel nodded. "Yes, Daddy, they do." _Here. In New York City. Where I belong. Where I've always belonged._

"Love you, baby girl. I'm proud of you." He left her with her thoughts.

_Noah is__ sorry. It's only about six months overdue._ She fought back a groan, making herself breakfast.

* * *

_"I want your love and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance..."  
_  
Puck grabbed for the phone on his nightstand, answering with his eyes still closed. _Give me a fucking break. Seriously? _"Yeah, Q, what's up?"

"You going to graduation?" Quinn asked. "I wanted to go with you, if you didn't mind."

He rolled over to look at the clock. _That's what you want? _"Q, it's seven in the morning. The ceremony is at _eleven_." _You had to fucking call at seven fucking in the morning?_ "Are you serious right now? I'm going back to bed."

"Finn and Santana are going to be there," she blurted.

_Oh. Fuck._ "We'll go together, Q, but I'm not gonna act like we're together like that, okay?"

"No, I didn't need that. I just...maybe want you to - to run interference with -"

"Oh, _hell_ no. _No_. I am not running interference with Santana. Sorry, Q." _That's the _bad_ crazy. Ain't going there._ "But I'm telling you, Finn just goes where he's led. If she's bored, he's available."

"You think?"

"Q, I hit that for way longer than I should've. I know. She's a _guy_. You should know that. And I don't think Finn can keep up." _He couldn't keep up with anyone._ "I wouldn't be surprised if she already dumped him, or is just too lazy to. Have you talked to them or seen them?"

"No, I really don't see them around. You don't see Finn?"

"Nope. Different sections." _And thank fuck for that, actually. _"I think he works or something. Maybe once in a blue moon around, but we're not - we don't really chill like that. I see Chang more than I see him."

"What good are you?" Quinn paced her bedroom. "I just want to know what I'm walking in to."

_Oh, give me a fucking break. _"Well, call Hummel or Jones, I don't do gossip and shit, you know that. Call Brittany." _And leave me the fuck alone...it's way too early..._

"You can't just - maybe just text Santana and -"

"You want to go to graduation by yourself? _No fucking way_. You couldn't _pay_ me enough to go back to that." Puck sat up, rubbing his hand over his eyes. _Now just move the fuck on..._"Look, Q, I've gone through a lot to get past who I was at McKinley. I don't intend to go backwards."

_**"You're so much more than you know..."**_

"If you want a shot at Hudson, fucking _make one_. That's what _I'm_ trying to do, I'm trying to take a shot at being something more than a fucking Lima loser. Now I'm going back to bed." Hitting 'end', he flopped back onto his pillow. _Fuck, you had to interrupt Rachel climbing in my window? My favorite fucking dream.  
_

* * *

"I can't believe we're here," Lori whispered. Looking around backstage, she giggled. "And you actually get to come back here! Juilliard, Rach. You get to sing here all the time..."

_You should be ecstatic, Rachel. Smile. _Rachel smiled faintly. "I do. I wish you had been accepted, Lor. I would love to have a friend with me." _I don't know how I'll handle being alone..._

"You'll kick ass, Rach, you know you will. And I'm sorry." She grabbed Rachel's hand. "I should've said something, I just wanted to support you, and you never wanted to hear about him. And he was gone. I didn't want to hurt you."

_**"I'm sorry, Rachel,"**_** he whispered, touching her cheek gently.**

Catching her breath, Rachel squeezed Lori's hand. "I'm okay, Lori, really. I - He's _sorry_. He knows he hurt me. That's - it helps." _Finally. Something has to help. I won't ruin anyone else..._She grinned as the orchestra tuned. "Come on, it's our cue." _And just like last year, this, I can do easily..._Tugging Lori through the curtains, Rachel smiled into the audience, turning to her friend to sing.

_"Something has changed within me...something is not the same...__  
__I'm finished playing by the rules of someone else's game..."_

Lori stepped forward, flashing a smile.

_"Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep...__  
I__t's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap..."  
_  
The girls smiled at each other as they linked hands and sang. _"It's time to try defying gravity..."_

Will dropped a kiss on Dan's head. "I can't believe we made it. Did we do a good job? Is she ready?"

Dan blinked. "You're asking _me? You're_ the pro, honey, all I can say is we did the best we could. Did she - did she listen to it?"

Leaning his cheek on Dan's head, Will sighed. "No, not the time, she said."

"Is that-" Dan pointed to the side. "Connor?"

Will followed Dan's finger. "Oh, it _is._ Should I be alarmed?"

Shaking his head, Dan patted Will's chest. "No. But it's probably a good thing she didn't listen to the message."

Rachel looked out into the crowd, eyes locking with Connor's. She smiled sadly_. Perfect timing to see you..._She turned to Lori, squeezing her hands._ This song is for all of us, truthfully..._

_"I really hope you get it - And you don't live to regret it -  
I hope you're happy in the end...  
I hope you're happy, my friend..."  
_

* * *

Puck drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. _Come on, Q...  
_  
Quinn closed her front door behind her, brushing off her strapless sundress before climbing into the truck. "How do I look?" She turned a vulnerable gaze on him. "Do I look okay?"

_How would you feel seeing Rachel, Puckerman? Try taking her head off now._ Exhaling, he smiled at her. "You look great, Q. Hudson won't know what hit him."

"You think so?" She buckled in as Puck pulled off. "I just - he and I couldn't get past...past Beth. I tried to explain, but..."

"Like he wasn't all over Rachel. Give me a fucking break." _Believe me. I fucking noticed. _Puck turned to look at her at a light. "You said it yourself, Q, it takes two people to fuck up a relationship." _Except when you run straight into the arms of your ex. Then it's just one, Puckerman. Just you._

Frowning, Quinn gestured at the light. "Um, green means go." She raised an eyebrow. "Are you all right?"

"I - yeah." _Could you fucking focus? _He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "I'm fine." _If that means totally fucked in the head._

"Or you're thinking about Ber - Rachel." Quinn searched his face. "I'm _right,_ aren't I. Does she graduate today?"

"Yeah." Puck focused on the road. _She's starting the rest of her life today. And I have even less of a place in it than before..._"She's actually already done, I think. Their ceremony was at like, 9:30 or 10."

"Do you - do you think you'll get another chance? With her?" Quinn looked curiously at him.

"I have no fucking clue. I don't think she's ever coming back."_Why the fuck would she, Puckerman? What the fuck did you leave for her here?_ "And I don't know how the fuck I'd get to New York. Expensive as shit to go to school or live there."

"You looked?" Quinn blinked at him. "You actually, like, did research and -"

"Yes, Q, I did. Is that such a fucking shock?" _How many times do I have to tell you I'm starting to take my shit seriously before you believe me?_

"Well, yes, but I'm also _impressed_. You're giving me hope, Puckerman. If you can grow up, maybe Finn and I can too."

Puck pulled into the lot with a smirk. _Thanks, Q. I know you meant that totally sarcastically. _"I'll take the backhanded compliment. You ready?" He put the truck in park and rounded to her door. "C'mon, let's get seats before we end up next to Sylvester." _I'll fucking leave, I swear I will._

Taking his hand, Quinn stepped down from the car, glancing around as they walked towards the football field. "I can't believe the last time we were on this field was when we graduated. Has it seriously been a year?"

"Defintely," he replied automatically. I've _felt every fucking second of it._ Meeting her eyes, he gestured to the bleachers. "Top?" _Far far away from those familiar seats over there..._

"Yes, pl-"

"Quinn! Puck!" Mercedes ran up behind them, tugging Quinn into a hug. "You guys came!"

"Well, of course! Have to celebrate the rest of the original New Directions, right?" Quinn kissed her cheek. "You look great, Mercedes. I love the haircut."

Flipping the asymmetrical bob through her fingers, Mercedes grinned. "Thanks, Quinn. And you guys look awesome. It's the old gang, 'cept I just - damn, never thought I'd say this but it hasn't been the same without Diva B." Shrugging, she gave a half-smile. "Bet she's tearing it up in NYC though."

"Yes, she -" Catching Puck's eyes, Quinn paused. "She always wanted that, right?"

_**"There. You're perfect. Like always."**_** Soft swipe of a fingertip across his nose, the urge to nip at her, to take ****her ****again**** burning through him****...**

Puck nodded. "Yup, it's all she wanted for years. Besides Hudson." _That's not who she wanted in the end..._He shook his head with a grimace. _Damn it, Puckerman..._

"Are the rest of the grads here, Mercedes? Mike and Brit and..."

Pointing to the bottom left section marked "Reserved", Mercedes waved to Mike, Matt and Brittany. "Yup! Mr. Schue wants you guys to sit down there. That okay?"

"That's fine." Quinn swallowed. "Finn and Santana?"

"Not here yet. We're hoping though. Word is they were having a meltdown at Puck's old stomping grounds. Shoulda just gotten a slushy and threw 'em at each other." She bumped Puck with a laugh. "Anyway, I gotta go. See you guys in a bit! If you see 'em come in, flag them over, we need y'all in the same space. Trust me." With a quick kiss to Puck's cheek, she headed back towards the school.

"This is gonna be weird, isn't it." _It's like fucking déjà vu, and not really in a good way..._Puck raised an eyebrow and led Quinn towards the group. _Who signed me up for this shit?_ With a hand to the small of her back to guide them through, he continued. "But you're gonna get some Hudson time, and you see exactly what I said - Lopez is a freaking maneater. He's just too much of a fucking pansy to dump her." _And he loves you. That counts for a whole fucking lot._

Quinn glared at him. "Gee, that's inspiring, because he managed to dump me."

"Yeah, total different story, Fabray, relax yourself. It's been a fucking year, and like I said - he's not innocent either." _None of us were fucking innocent in that shit. _Puck turned to look at her. "You didn't feel like you could push him. I get that. And I'm sorry for that too. We both shouldn't have gone there."

_**"I'm not even supposed to be here."**_

Puck shook himself. _Don't you fucking dare. Focus. _"But that's in the past, and maybe he's grown up some. I don't know. But just take a breath. It'll be fine."

Inhaling slowly, Quinn smiled at him. "You're not half-bad at being decent, Puckerman. Thanks." She grabbed his hand and tugged him the rest of the way to the alums. "Hi, guys!"

Jumping up with a squeal, Brittany launched herself at Quinn while Puck exchanged greetings with Mike and Matt. "S'up, guys?" He sat between the two, leaving Brit and Quinn to catch up. _And that way she looks available when Hudson gets here._

"Not much," Mike replied. "We still on for COD4 later?"

"Of course. I'm ready to snipe some people." _I can't get this shit out any other way._ Puck looked between the boys. "Whose place tonight?"

"Uh, my turn I think," Matt offered. "Though my mom's gonna be cooking for the barbecue tomorrow. Might be dangerous to be around. She might put me to work." Matt looked at the other two. "Can we go with someone else's place?"

"My ma's just making coleslaw, come on by," Puck offered. _The last thing I need tonight is a hovering mother. _"She doesn't mind."

"Doesn't mind what?" Finn looked between the three guys. "Um, hey."

"Hudson, nice of you to join us." Puck stood, extending a hand. _And actually, I think it is. Fuck, I'm growing up. _"It's good to see you, dude."

Finn shook his hand with a half-smile. "Yeah, it's good to see you too." He hauled Puck in for shoulder bump. "It's been a while."

"How sweet." Santana approached behind them as Finn and Puck stepped back. "We're going to go sit over -"

"Mr. Schue wants all the alums over here, Santana," Quinn's voice was cool, her smile tight. "Mercedes asked me to make sure of it."

"Like I give a shit?" Rolling her eyes, she grabbed for Finn's hand.

"So who wouldn't mind what?" Shrugging her off, Finn sat down with the guys. "You guys wanna chill at my place tonight?"

_This ought to be good. San looks like she's gonna shit. _Raising an eyebrow, Puck shrugged at Mike and Matt. "Yeah, sure. Did you get any better at COD?"

"Excuse me?" Santana stood in front of Finn. "Are we not sitting together?"

"San, I told you. I'm not going to be your doormat. If I wanna hang with the guys, I'm gonna. And tonight? I'm gonna." Finn turned back to them. "I still can't get that jump on Highrise, keep falling off the building and dying."

The boys started talking games while Santana took a seat on the bleachers with a huff. "Stupid fucking video games."

Quinn winked at Puck. "I don't know, I think the Star Worlds in Super Mario Brothers 3 were revolutionary."

Finn turned to Quinn, wide-eyed. "Seriously? Did you really just say Super Mario Brothers 3?"

Quinn bit back the smile. "Oh, absolutely. Puck made sure to introduce me to the...wonder of video games. We make better gaming buddies than anything else," she added. "I actually don't mind the older Nintendo games."

Finn smiled at her. "That's pretty cool." He turned back to the guys, glancing back quickly at her before looking away again.

Puck caught Quinn's eye with a grin. _Nicely played, Q.  
_  
She smiled back, mouthing, "Thank you" before turning her attention to the podium as the ceremony began.

* * *

The graduation was a blur, accolades and congratulations surrounding Rachel until she found herself face to face with - "Connor." _Breathe, Rachel. He wouldn't have come here to cause a scene. Right?_

"Hi, Rachel." Connor smiled at her. "Congratulations. You guys were amazing up there."

_We were. What a difference it is to sing with a friend..._She glanced at Lori behind her. "It was fun. I enjoy performing with her."

"Well, it shows. You guys killed it." He shrugged. "Listen, Rachel -"

"Connor, I'm _so_ sorry." She looked into his eyes. _Please believe me_. "I'm so, so sorry. I wish I hadn't been so irresponsible and careless with you."

_**"Thanks, Berry," **_**tossed back over his shoulder as he walked away.**

Sighing, she continued. _Focus, you're apologizing. _"I should know myself better. I should have told you a long time ago that this wouldn't work. I just - I _wanted_ it to work, so badly. I didn't _want_ to be emotionally crippled, but I was." _Was? How about _am? _How about I still don't know how to do this? _"I should have just acknowledged that instead of leading you on."

Shaking his head, he gave a half-smile. "I wish you _had,_ honestly. We could've been so amazing if the timing were right. We really could've."

**Laying the sweatshirt on his passenger seat, trying to leave him behind. **_**We could've been so...**_

Rachel shook herself. "I - I wish I knew what to say. I just - I can't help but wish - I -" _We could have, couldn't we. Damn it. _She licked her lips. "I finally got an apology from him. Belatedly. And I can't help but wish Lori had said something months ago. Apparently he and...and his new girlfriend were at the show the second weekend." _Right there. _Right _there..._

"Wait. The night I said something about you not trying?" Connor turned a questioning look to her.

"That would be the one," she muttered. _And what impeccable timing..._"I can't help but wonder how differently things might have gone -" _had I just talked to him..._

Raising an eyebrow, Connor continued. "Tall, shaved head, dark and broody type?"

Rachel giggled. _Noah would love to hear that. Dark and broody..._"That would -" _Wait -_ what? She frowned at him. "Connor, how do you -"

"That was the guy staring at us at the bar. I said something about a guy wanting to kill me. _Damn,_ Rach." He shook his head. "He didn't look like he was over _you_ either."

_Noah? He never had feelings like that for me. _Scoffing, she tucked her hair behind her ear. "That's just ludicrous, Connor." _Much as I may have wanted him to..._"I'm sure he was just confused. I doubt he expected I'd have a boyfriend so quickly." She flushed. "I guess that just proves I shouldn't have."

"Hey." Connor reached out and gently lifted her chin to lift her gaze to his and dropped his hand. "Yeah, you're a mess. But he moved on. He can't judge you. Only _I_ can."

Her mouth fell open. _You – judge – but I – oh, Connor, I'm -_

"Rachel, _relax_. I'm not mad at you." He shrugged. "Okay, I _was_. Fucking _pissed_. But now? I'm sad for you. You have to get yourself together. Take your time. But figure yourself out. You are a fantastic person, but you are a _mess_ when it comes to relationships. You have to trust yourself again. Do _not_ fuck with someone until you do." Connor leaned into her, eyes intent on hers. "I _mean_ it, okay? Do me that one courtesy."

_Oh, Connor, I'm so sorry..._Biting her lip, she nodded. "I can do that, Connor. I _can."_ _And I will. I don't ever want to do to anyone else what he did to me..._

"Connor!" Lori turned and kissed him on the cheek. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to support you guys," he replied, smiling at Rachel before turning away to talk to Lori's family, his arm around Lori's waist.

_H__mm__..._Rachel watched the two, shaking her head quickly. _One nut at a time, Rachel.  
_  
"You all right, Rachel?" Dan kissed her temple, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Daddy and I thought we'd let you talk."

She turned towards them with a smile. "I'm all right, Dad. He just - told me what I already know. I need to make peace with myself before anything else." _I need to know, to trust, my instincts again. Noah was sorry. He knows he did something wrong. That _means_ something. _Rachel hugged Will, clinging to his side. "And I do. I don't get involved with anyone while I still have...have _him_ anywhere in my heart."

Will patted his pocket for his phone. "I _do_ have my phone, honey. Do you -"

"N-No. Not yet. Not yet, Daddy. Not today." _I can't. Not yet. _She smiled faintly. "I may be better, but I do want to enjoy today without any more melancholia. If you please." _Because my heart is already wounded enough..._

Dan nodded, rubbing a hand up and down her arm. "Not a problem, sweetheart, let's head to Bar Boulud. Mrs. Bernardo, are you ready to go?"

Lori's mom turned to them with a smile and a laugh. "Yes, let's go. Though I _did_ tell you, I can feed you all, just come by. We don't have to go anywhere."

"This is a special occasion, Tess, we don't want you to have to worry about anything." Will slipped an arm around Rachel's shoulders. "Thank you, though. Is Paul ready?"

Lori looked around. "Oh, _no_...Ma...he's talking to Dr. Dalton. Please tell me he isn't talking about how jazz is underrated..."

"Oh, shit..." Tess whirled to wrangle her husband. "Be right back, then we can go. Connor, a pleasure as always." She darted through the crowd.

"I guess I should get going," Connor remarked. "Good luck with everything, ladies."

_Not like this. _"Lori's having a barbecue to celebrate. You should come," Rachel offered. _I don't want to end on such a sour note..._"It's a bunch of us from last summer. Central Park, tomorrow. Please?"

Lori frowned quickly at Rachel, shrugging. "You're welcome to join us, I'm sure everyone would love to see you."

Looking from Rachel to Lori, he nodded slowly. "Okay, yeah. I can do that. Need anything?"

"With my mother cooking?" Lori raised an eyebrow. "Um, no. Just...okay, just don't judge when my entire family does the Electric Slide? It's a Filipino thing, I can't explain it. But at least the karaoke will be good with all of us there. Though my mom will inevitably butcher 'Hey Jude'. Just...yeah, don't judge."

Connor blinked. "O-okay. I will be stuffed with food, I will look away from line dancing, and I won't judge if your mom is tone-deaf."

"Sounds perfect. See you tomorrow then!" Lori grinned and turned to the group. "Let's go save my dad."

* * *

"We'd like to take a moment to recognize the last of the inaugural members of McKinley High's 'New Directions.'" Principal Figgins smiled at the audience, nodding at Mr. Schuester. "William Schuester, one of our teachers and an alumnus, believed in the idea of a glee club, and made it happen. I am happy to say that New Directions took second place at Regionals this past year. I am also pleased to say this program was so strong that New York City stole one of our members to help anchor their own program!"

"Maybe if they hadn't, we could've made first," Tina grumbled. The Gleeks sat in the front row, each wearing a small pin with "ND" engraved on it.

_"Shh,"_ Kurt hissed. "Maybe if Ashlee hadn't hit that sour note on Halo, maybe if we had a better choreographer. You'll drive yourself crazy, Tina. Just _smile."_

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our very own award-winning New Directions." Figgins clapped, stepping aside as the Gleeks took their positions.

Mercedes took the microphone, smiling at the crowd. "Hi everybody, and thank y'all for supporting us this year. We've come a long way since we started, and as members have come and gone, there's one song we keep coming back to, and we'd like to invite the rest of the original members of New Directions up here with us to sing it." She gestured to the group on the bleachers, waving them over. "Hit it, Tinkles."

The opening chords of "Somebody to Love" emerged from the speakers around the field. A sophomore stepped out to the front of the group, his voice soaring into falsetto. "Can..."

Quinn grinned, singing softly. "Anybody? Find me...somebody to...love..." Standing, she grabbed Finn's hand to drag him up, the rest of the alums following.

Puck looked out into the crowd. _Doesn't sound the same without her.  
_

* * *

**Walking up the aisle as she sang, his gaze locked on hers, quickly darting away. Her voice in his ears.**

_**"At least I didn't **_**fake**_** it."  
**_**  
Bile rising through him as he looked up, a flash of hurt in her eyes. **_**I didn't**__**, Rach**__**.**__** I fucking didn't fake shit. **__**But this is everything I should want. And you can get everything you deserve**__**...  
**_

* * *

Mercedes moved forward, voice soaring through the speakers. "Somebody to...love!"

_Damn it, Rac__h__...I'm so fucking sorry..._The band played them off and back to their seats, seguing into "Viva la Vida" as Puck sagged onto the bleachers.

* * *

"Is that Coldplay? By an orchestra?" Lori giggled, placing the napkin in her lap and leaning in towards Rachel. "Fancy," she whispered.

Rolling her eyes, Rachel nodded. _Muzak. May I never know the pain. _"Yes, Coldplay. And Bar Boulud is considered _casual,_ Lor, just because they prefer strings to vocals doesn't mean fancy."

She grinned. "I know, Rach. Sarcasm is only one of the many services we offer." Nudging lightly, Lori raised an eyebrow. "What gives? I missed something, I know I did. You're all distracted. Is it - is it still yesterday? I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to just blurt out that Noah was here, you know that."

_I wish you'd blurted it out sooner, I think. _Rachel watched as Will removed his jacket and placed his cell on the table. "He called for me."

"What?" Blinking, Lori leaned in towards Rachel.

"He wanted to speak to me the night Connor and I broke up. Daddy told him to call back last night, and he did, but obviously I wasn't ready to speak to him." _Or to hear his voice, or even think his name..._Rachel's hand moved reflexively towards the phone. "Daddy let him leave a message for me. That's what's on my mind. I don't know when to listen to it." _If ever. Or right now..._

"Well, it's going to be there later. You're not listening during lunch." Lori grabbed her hands. "You're _not_. I refuse."

_But I – I think I want to..._Rachel frowned at her friend. "I didn't intend to this morning, but -"

"Rachel. You'll listen. You know you will. But not now. Enjoy today. It's not going anywhere, and unless you're moving back to Lima, what will it accomplish?" Lori shook her head, accepting her amuse bouche with a smile.

Flashing a brief smile at the server, Rachel looked at Lori. _I just – it's there, he wanted to talk to me so badly, I want to know..._"But I can't - I can't help but wonder whether things with Connor would have gone differently had he said whatever he said months ago."

"Honey, I met the guy. It took him that long to figure out what to say to you. If tht's what you're wondering, _don't_. He's a mess, babe. You wouldn't have gotten whatever words are on the message months ago. Eat, drink, be merry. And then prepare yourself for the insanity of tomorrow. You'll need all the sane you can get ahead of time."

* * *

"Congratulations to the graduating class of 2013!" Caps flew in red streaks across the blue sky, the graduates grinning as they caught them.

"That's all of us," Brittany reflected. "There's no one here I care about anymore."

"That's how it goes, Brit," Quinn agreed, watching from the corner of her eye as Santana stormed off. "But I think I want to sit here for a few to enjoy it one last time. That okay, Puck?"

Shrugging, he nodded and stood. _Fucking bleachers..._"Meet you at the truck?"

"That would be lovely, thanks." She tipped her head back to the sun, smiling softly.

As they walked away, Finn fell into step with Puck. "Dude...um, how did you get rid of Santana?" he murmured quietly. "I can't - and she's -"

"Like a fucking guy crossed with a woman constantly on the rag?" Puck squeezed Finn's shoulder. "Been there, Hudson. If Maneater isn't ready to let you go? She'll cling like a fucking barnacle. But if you want to date someone else? She's relatively decent at letting go. She'll dump you, but -"

Finn turned to glance behind him. "See you guys at 8?"

Puck followed his gaze. _Yeah, I think Q might have her shot_. Turning to smirk at Matt and Mike, Puck shook his head. "Give us a text. We'll come by whenever."

"I, uh, sure. Later." Finn turned to head back to the field.

"Who's gonna be left on the bleachers next year?" Mike grinned at Matt and Puck. "Last year it was Rachel, this year it's Quinn...Hope that doesn't mean she's gonna disappear..."

"Were you the last one to see her alive?" Brittany asked, concerned. "Should we go check if Quinn's okay? Do the bleachers make you sick if you're there by yourself? My mom says I shouldn't drink bleach, I always wondered why they'd make us sit on it..."

Mike laughed, slinging an arm around her. "It's okay, Brit. Rachel just moved away, she's not dead. And when I saw her, she was sitting there like Quinn is now. That's all I was saying. Quinn's not leaving."

Puck glanced behind to see Finn sitting next to Quinn on the bleachers. _Fucking hate bleachers. And I really fucking wish I was the one to see Rachel there. I wish I'd known..._His phone buzzed in his pocket. _Could - would she -_ He blew out a breath and checked it.

_Getting a ride home. Made my shot. Thank you.__ - Q__  
_  
_Well, _one _of us should be fucking happy, right? _Chuckling, he turned to the guys. _"My_ place tonight. The power couple is powering up again."

* * *

Mike and Matt lounged on the couch, Matt running through the airport terminal while Mike shouted encouragement. _Can't life just be this fucking simple all the time? _Puck glanced down at his phone as it vibrated across the table, flipping it open and grinning. "Yeah, good thing we changed plans, guys. Just got a text from Q." _Good for her._

"Under the flap by the rear wheel, dude!" Mike turned away quickly. "What's it say?"

Smirking, Puck turned the screen towards him. "Just a smile. I don't think we're seeing Hudson tonight." _And he won't even know what hit him. _He tossed the phone aside. "Getting a drink, want anything?"

"Good with whatever pop you have in the house." Mike turned back to the game. "There's always someone in the game room, watch your - _damn it!"_ Rolling his eyes, he claimed the controller. "Mine now."

"Pop is good," Matt agreed. "Thanks, dude."

Nodding an acknowledgment, Puck walked into the kitchen, dropping a kiss on his mother's cheek. "You sure you don't need any help with this?" _I should at least ask, even if I don't actually _want _to..._

Ilana grinned, amused. "And if I said I did, you would do what, exactly?"

_That's true, she has no idea about the cupcakes..._Giving her a half-smile, he grabbed the bottle of pop from the fridge and three glasses from the cabinet. "I can take direction," he offered. _And I sure as shit will not be telling her._

"I'm fine, Noah, thank you." Clearing her throat, she glanced at him quickly. "Has - have you heard from -"

"No, Ma. Nothing." _Not a fucking word, but..._"I - I don't think I _expect_ to either. I didn't really - the message doesn't really need a response." _She told me everything when she was here...I just – I didn't –_ "It's just...it's more what I wanted to tell her. What I should've told her a _while_ ago."

Ilana turned back to grating carrots. "Did you tell her you love her?" she asked casually.

_"What?"_ Puck's gaze flew to his mother. _Shit, am I that fucking obvious? _"Ma -"

"I was only asking. Seems to be something a girl should know." She scraped the carrots into the mixing bowl, keeping her eyes on her work. "I'm only saying that might be relevant. And might get her to call you back."

"And that would accomplish _what_, Ma? I'm not in New York, I don't have the grades to transfer." _I don't even know what the fuck I want to do with my life._ Puck sighed. "She deserves to be there. She's going to _Juilliard_, Ma. In a few years, she's gonna be all over Broadway. I need to get my sh-_stuff_ together first. _Then_ I can figure out what to do about Rach." _If anything. Who the fuck knows?_

"But you didn't deny you love her, Noah." She leaned towards him to kiss him on the cheek. "I'm proud of you, sweetheart. You're growing up. I hope whatever you figure out is your purpose in life will bring you all the love and success you wish for her."

"Damn it, Ma, now I have to go shoot some people so I don't feel like such a pansy." _Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me that growing up hurts like a motherfucker? _Rolling his eyes, he walked back towards the living room, glancing back quickly at the archway. "But, um. _Thanks_, Ma. I hope so too." _If nothing else, it'd be nice to fucking be someone, like she thought I could be. _Rejoining the boys, he passed out the pop and grabbed the controller. "I need to kill shit, dudes. Lemme show you how it's done."

* * *

_**Saturday  
**_  
Rachel stretched languidly, gazing out the window at the city. _You're a_ high school graduate, _Rachel. You have __not only _survived_, __you__ finished in a tremendously better place than you started. You were recruited from Juilliard's summer program, you're going back to Juilliard for your undergraduate degree. You're living in New York City, with real friends and a future that's right outside your door. Good riddance, Lima, Ohio._  
**  
His voice dark velvet. **_**"Fuck it, fuck 'em all."**_** His body close, lips descending towards hers while her heart pounded.  
**  
_That damn voicemail. I will listen to it today, and then never think of him again. I have too much ahead of me to jeopardize it by dwelling on the past. I have two months to get focused, two months to prepare for the most intense experience of my life. And the best is yet to come._ "Time to shower and get to Central Park," she murmured. "Today is the first day of the rest of my life."

* * *

_"Rachel." He called her name quietly through the crowd, his eyes on hers._

_Her gaze locked on his, startled. "Noah?"_

_"I'm so sorry, Rach." He took her hands when she was close enough, ignoring everyone else. "I'm so sorry, I should have said it sooner. I'm so sorry, Rach, I heard you and I think I - I love you too."  
_

* * *

"Noah? Noah, wake up, you wanted me to wake you at 11 for the picnic." Ilana shoved him again. "Noah!"

Blinking awake, he looked up at his mother. _Damn it. Fucking shit. Can't have _one fucking dream,_ can I?_ "Yeah, Ma, I'm awake. I'm awake." _And I wish I fucking wasn't. I hope you listened to it, Rach. I really hope you did.  
_

* * *

"I know you warned me, Lor, but this is...this is kind of..." Rachel looked around, wide-eyed. _I can't believe there are this many people and this much food..._

Lori kissed her and took the tray of cookies from her. "Congratulations cookies, I'm guessing?"

"Yes, I couldn't come to an occasion such as this empty handed." _Plus baking is therapeutic to me. _She watched with a smile as her fathers approached Lori's parents with a tray of Crumbs cupcakes. _And I needed it. _"Nor could my _fathers_, obviously." Tucking her hair behind her ear, she glanced around the park. "Has Connor arrived yet?"

Lori shook her head. "Not yet, he texted me this morning, he'll probably be here in a few hours. He had a few things to do in the morning. I, um...I still don't get why you invited him, Rach. Not like I mind or anything, but it's just...weird, isn't it?"

Biting her lip, Rachel sighed. "I feel badly, Lori. I treated him poorly. I want to at least be friends." _I don't want him to hate me. _"And this seemed like a good way to show that. He loves you and who doesn't enjoy a picnic?" _And if there's any other motivation..._

Narrowing her gaze at her friend, Lori raised an eyebrow. "You're not setting us up, Rachel. That's just sick."

Blinking innocently, Rachel lifted her hands in surrender. _I am apparently not subtle._ "I didn't say anything. He's a good person, considerate and kind. Worthwhile to keep in my life. And you shouldn't get involved with him now anyway. He's - we - I -" Rachel blew out a breath. _Just say it, Rachel, it's not like Lori doesn't know. _"I ruined him for a while. I was perhaps contemplating that it might be nice for you to socialize, but anything beyond that is up to the two of you and possibly chemistry."

_**"The chemistry is fucking phenomenal."  
"We were hot as fuck and you know it."  
**_  
Shaking herself free of her thoughts, Rachel smiled tightly. _I can't keep thinking of him..._"So, who are all of these people?" She waved her hand at an impromptu hopscotch game being counted in French. "Un, deux, trois!" Another group clustered around a radio, singing along loudly and out of tune.

Rolling her eyes, Lori slipped an arm around Rachel. "Let me tell you something about Filipino parties. Honestly? I don't have a _clue_ who half these people are...Lemme introduce you to the ones I actually _do _know..."

* * *

Puck threw the car into park, grabbing the cooler from the passenger seat and heading around to the backyard. _Just let it fucking go. She'll listen to it. It's Rachel. And hopefully the rest of her life will go better than the fucking beginning..._

"Puck!" Mercedes waved him over to the grill, gesturing at the table. "Is that the coleslaw?"

"Yeah, and no, nothing special in it." He grinned. "Maybe later if you want..." _I wouldn't mind checking the fuck out for a while..._

Mercedes scoffed. "Yeah, that's all _you_, Puck. The rest of us are straight edge."

He smirked. _You can't be fucking serious._ "Only when your _parents_ are home, Jones. Nice try." _Shit, if we didn't drink here? Might never have fucked things up...never would've gotten with her again..._

She shoved him lightly. "Shut up, go put the coleslaw down and then come chill - Mr. Schue brought his guitar, we're jamming."

"Cool, I'll grab mine from the truck." He handed her the tray and headed back to grab the case from the back. _And even the shitty way it ended? I still can't fucking regret anything but letting her go..._

* * *

Rachel sat in the shade, nursing an Arnie Palmer and picking at her salad. _Why is life so complicated? I just want to be a star, I should have just focused on that..._

"You okay, baby girl?" Will sat beside her, pressing a kiss to her head. "You seem a little lonely."

She leaned her head on his shoulder. _I was lonely all the time until Noah..._"I think...I think I need to listen to the message, Daddy." She watched Connor and Lori and the rest of the grads. "It's nagging me." _I need to know. I need to hear..._

Will handed her the phone. "I was thinking so. That's why I came over to check on you. You know we're here, right? And I promise you, it isn't anything bad. If it is? I'll fly back to Lima and kick his ass _myself."_ He stroked her back soothingly. "Want me to send Lori over or something?"

"No, I think - I think it's fine, Daddy, thank you. I'll find you or her if I need to. Promise." _I don't – I need to do this by myself, I think. _She snuggled in for a moment before pulling away. "Thank you."

"Just hit 1, it'll take you into my voicemail." He stood with a last kiss to her head. "Love you."

"Love you too, Daddy." Rachel exhaled roughly, staring at the phone display. _Take a breath, Rachel. Time to see what he has to say._

* * *

"I can't believe we were so damn close at Regionals," Tina groused. "So close!"

Mr. Schue smiled at the group. "I can believe it. You guys have been amazing, absolutely amazing. I'm the luckiest person to get to watch all of you mature. It's been an _honor_, guys."

"It's been great for us too, Mr. Schue," Kurt offered. "We never would've had the opportunities we had this year. We toured, we performed, we almost took first. If only we could've kept everyone from last year for one more year..."

Artie nodded towards Finn and Quinn, flirting in the far corner. "Seems like some things are coming around again. Kind of a shame we don't know how to reach Rachel though."

"Sounds like she's doing good," Mercedes said. "My mom reads the Observer, she told me she's top ten and going to Juilliard. I think there was an announcement in there or something."

_She's going to take over the fucking world. _Puck moved off with his guitar, picking out a melody on the guitar while the Gleeks chattered on. _And I could've fucking been there._

Mr. Schue grabbed a water bottle from the cooler next to him. "What're you working on, Puck? I don't recognize the song."

Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Puck shrugged. _Why the fuck not, he's a music teacher..._"Well, you, uh, you _wouldn't_. I, um...it's _original_._"_

"You write? Original songs?" Will sat next to him. "Keep playing, I'd love to hear it."

_**"You write such beautiful music..."  
**_  
_I hope you listened to it, Rach...I'm so sorry_. "I think this one might actually just be called Untitled." Clearing his throat, he started to sing softly.

_"Two in the morning, and it's safe to say, __  
__ten thousand soldiers couldn't make you stay...  
Well__,__ heaven's got the angels, and I've met a few,  
They'll be rejoicing and I'll still be missing you..."  
_

* * *

_"Hi, Rach. I...I, um, I wanted to talk to you. For a while now, I guess. But I totally get it that - that it's -" A sigh. "I fucked up. I really did, and I'm so sorry. I was such an asshole to you, and I'm sure it all screwed with your head, and that's the last thing I should ever have done. I know that. I - Rach, you're so special. I want you to know that. You looked at me like a good fucking person and all I did was prove you wrong. I just - I didn't know how to - I just - I never felt like I was good enough for anyone. And you always thought that. It's intimidating. And instead of being a man and fucking trying to live up to it, I just screwed up again and got with Quinn. And I'm sorry for that. I want you to know that I'm - I'm trying to now. I'm trying to be a better person. I wish y-" A deep breath._

_"I wanted to congratulate you on graduating. Not like you wouldn't, obviously. It's you. Shit, you probably could've graduated early if you wanted to. But you're taking the city by storm. I mean, I'm sure you are." A soft swear. "They...probably don't know what hit 'em." A pause, another slow breath. "Don't ever doubt yourself, Rach. I'm so sorry if I took that from you, but you're amazing. And I want you to know that I know you deserve this. You worked hard for this opportunity, and I - I'm just proud to say I knew you. Congratulations."_

Swiping at her eyes, Rachel closed the phone. _Damn it, Noah. A few months too late...  
_  
Lori sat on the blanket next to Rachel. "Hey. You all right?"

_Am I?_ Shaking her head at Lori, she choked out, "No," leaning her head on Lori's shoulder as the tears fell.

* * *

Puck strummed the last chord, looking to find Mr. Schue and the Gleeks staring at him. _Oh, shit..._"What? I'm just fucking around, it's -"

"No." Quinn spoke up, shaking her head. "I never should've said that your music was cute, Puck, that was...that was great. You're...you're really talented."

"You most certainly are, Puck. I know you've felt at a loss in college. I think I may have figured out what you need to do. Music composition." Mr. Schue nodded, picking up steam. "I remember when I was looking at colleges, there were ones that offered music composition as a major. We're gonna find you a program." He clapped a hand on Puck's shoulder.

"I don't - writing music? Seriously?" He rolled his shoulders. _I never thought - she wasn't just –_"I could major in that? You really fucking think so?"_  
_  
"Puck, under all that badassness? You're kind of an artist," Mercedes grinned. "This could be fun."

* * *

**A.N.: **Um, yeah, I swear I didn't mean for this to get so long but...everyone wanted a bit of the story this time and who am I to deny them? I really do hope you enjoyed, and I will try to update soon! Off to see "Prince of Persia" and then? Starting work on the next installment of TGTP...


	8. Unsaid, Unspoken

**A.N.: **My sincere apology for not replying to everyone's reviews from the last update! I promise, I will reply. Unfortunately at this time every year, I have to beg my grant funders to keep paying for my job. LOL. Would rather give you another update as a thank you, and tell you I'm going to work on the Guides series in the TGTP universe (see my profile), and reply to you all when I can. ❤ Hope you enjoy.

_Suggested listening: Ode to, Rachael Yamagata; Everywhere I Go, Lissie; Squander, Skunk Anansie; Breaking My Own Heart, Duffy; Stop and Stare, OneRepublic; Life Goes On, Elisa; Honestly OK, Dido; Out from Under, Britney Spears; I Will Not Forget You, Sarah McLachlan (quoted)_

**Chapter 7: Unsaid, Unspoken**

* * *

_**Saturday, continued...**_

"Who's got an iPhone or something?" Mercedes looked around the group. "Or should we just move inside to the computer?"

Puck shook his head. _What the fuck just happened? _"Guys, it's okay, I'll just take a look tonight, it's cool. Let's just -"

"Where would you want to go?" Quinn asked quietly. She grinned, lifting a brow. "You know, if you could go anywhere?"

He tilted his head with a glare. _Oh, give me a fucking break, Q. _"Most of the good music schools are in the Northeast, I think. Boston, all over New York. And there's California too." _Yeah, lemme just let everybody know what the fuck is up._ _Remember how we were talking about Rachel? Yeah, I need to get to New York City to be with her. Thanks. _He rolled his eyes at Quinn.

"Well, let's go find you a school, Puck." Mr. Schue led the troop inside.

* * *

Rachel sniffled, leaning up from Lori's shoulder. _Rachel! What are you doing? _"Oh, Lor, I'm so sorry. How selfish of me to monopolize you at your party!" _Just breathe, Rachel. Breathe. _She spotted Will and Dan chatting with the other parents. "I'll just get Daddy and -"

"Rach, chill. They won't even notice I'm not over there for a half-hour." Lori turned to face her. "I'm guessing you listened to it?" she asked, gesturing at the phone discarded on the blanket.

Rachel nodded, swiping at her eyes._ I almost wish I _hadn't_..._"His timing is atrocious. If he had said any of that - given some hint..." _Damn it, Noah... _

"You'd be sitting there waiting for him," Lori sighed. She shoved Rachel with her shoulder. "Look what you've accomplished, Rach, look what you've done. You're in New York City, honey, you're going to Juilliard, you're hot..."

"Lori!" _That is the absolute last thing I need right now. _ Rachel blushed, frowning.

"What, you _are!_ Come on, you _know _you are. I mean, if it wasn't for you being all fucked up right now with relationships, you could pick up a guy as effortlessly as you did with -"

"Hey, Lori, Rachel...am I interrupting something?" Connor approached carefully.

Rachel looked up at him. _Oh, Connor...Damn it...I couldn't love you because of him..._"Connor, I'm so, so sorry. I should never have said yes, I should have just left you alone..."

He sat with a frown. "What happened." He looked between the startled gazes of both girls. "Look, I'm not stupid. Whatever's going on here isn't about me. But I do actually still care, you know. So?"

"The ex left a voicemail," Lori said quietly. "I was just telling Rach to appreciate how far she's come and where she is now..."

"And I showed up." Connor shook his head. "Sorry, Rach. I'll leave you guys to it."

"No." Rachel's voice was quiet. _I've missed so much because of Noah Puckerman. No more._ "It's enough. What do I have to say to him? It's - he's trying now. That'll be great for the - the next girl." She swallowed hard. _That didn't kill me to say. Next girl. Next girl._

"You could leave him a voicemail back if you're on the same cell service," Connor offered. "Say whatever you want without having to talk to him directly. You don't happen to know -"

"We are. We could talk whenever because of mobile to mobile," she said absently. _What do I want to say to him? Anything?_

"What do you think? You wanna?" Lori shrugged at her. "You don't have to either."

"No, I - I _want _to, I think. I just - it's so -" _This cannot actually be happening. _She flopped onto the blanket, laying her hands over her face. _What has my existence become? _"My life is a melodramatic afterschool special, a Lifetime movie..."

Lori and Connor laughed.

"Oh, honey, _no_..." Lori poked her in the side. "But if it was, I want like, Lea Salonga or someone to play me, okay? Put it in the contract."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Way to be supportive, Lor." He turned to Rachel. "You know, if that were the case, this is probably where I would kidnap you, or ask to take a walk with you and lead you into a secluded wooded area..."

"Oh, 'cause _that's _better? 'Hey, if you were right I'd have killed you by now'? _Geez, _Connor." Lori pried Rachel's hands from her face. "Okay, yeah, your life seems to have more than its fair share of drama. But it's _real, _babe. So you deal however you want. Message, no message, fake lesbian makeout session - whatever."

"You're insane, you know that?" Rachel sighed. _And so am I, I think..._"I _will _leave him a message. Give me a few minutes and then for the love of Liza, drag me away." _There is only so much more of myself I have to give to this..._

Lori looked around to see a huddle around the iHome setup, people gesturing wildly and speaking rapidfire Tagalog. "Ohhhh, I _will_. I think we're up to the Electric versus Cha Cha Slide argument. I'm gonna go mediate. Or laugh. Whichever." She stood, gesturing Connor up. "Come on, we have a war to observe."

Connor squeezed Rachel's hand and stood. "Rach, do me one favor. Don't forget you're worth it. You are. I just -"

_No - this is _my_ doing. _Rachel shook her head. "Connor, you don't have to explain. I can't believe I did to you what he did to me. I _can't._ I never wanted to hurt you, I just - I thought I could do it, I thought of anyone, maybe I could...maybe I could love you. But..." _It was disingenuous, and we both knew it for too long._

"You can't tell your heart what to do like that, Rachel. And I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Sometimes trying too hard to do what you're convinced is 'the right thing', you end up worse off than when you started. You can hurt someone badly without meaning to, and you hurt yourself too." Connor gave a bitter laugh. "Believe me. I know." He turned to follow Lori to her family.

Rachel picked up her cell phone, chewing her lip. _Do I really want to do this? It could close a chapter in my life. Clean break, fresh start. _Blowing out a breath, she keyed into the voicemail system.

**"To get messages, press 1. To send a message, press 2 -"**

Rachel pressed 2, inhaling shakily. _Breathe in, breathe out._

**"To send a message, please enter the recipient's telephone number."**

She dialed in the number. _You will not be sick. You will _not_. Any nausea is temporary._

**"To begin recording, press 1 or wait for the tone -"**

_Just do it._ Rachel pressed 1, swallowing hard at the sound of the beep. "Hello, Noah..."

* * *

Mercedes sat at the computer, waving Puck into the seat next to her. "Okay." She loaded up the website. "College search...four years, no preference, no preference..." She eyed him, laughing. "No rural setting for you..."

"Hey, who wants burgers, who wants hot dogs?" Mike called to the group. "Matt and I will take care of it."

Puck shook his head, looking back to Mike. _This is crazy. _"Guys, seriously, we don't have to -"

"Burger," Mercedes called back. "Okay, geography..."

"Puck - burger?" Mike looked at him expectantly.

"Yeah...yeah, thanks." _They're all just - they're all _helping. _After..._"What the fuck is going on? I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone." Puck turned to Mr. Schue. "You seriously think I can do this?"

"Puck, we wouldn't be looking if I didn't think you had a shot. I've never set you up to fail before, have I?" Will nodded to Mercedes. "Go for the Northeast - everything from here around through New York and Vermont."

"Midwest, Mid-Atlantic, New England." Three more quick clicks, and Mercedes grinned. "Search for a major. Music." She turned the screen towards the two men. "Have at it."

Will shoved towards the computer. "Music theory/composition. Music performance - vocal -"

"I, um..." _Fuck. This is gonna be interesting. _Puck quietly offered, "You could maybe do, um, piano too."

"Piano -" Will looked at him curiously.

Puck shrugged. _May as well._ "Yeah, piano, okay. I - I didn't like to play. It was -" He rubbed a hand over the back of his head. "It was my dad's thing. Guitar too. I, uh...I bought myself one when I could, so it was mine. But the piano - the only one we had was his. I wouldn't even go near it. I just started picking it up again when I started writing."

Will squeezed his shoulder. "Piano. And general performance." He clicked ahead. "Let's say no preference on cost, but max out financial aid, all right? To see all your options." He quickly ticked off the financial aid options. "Athletics, Music/Drama, Religious affiliation, State residency." Leaning in to the screen, he frowned. "Wait - what did - we did something wrong, I gotta start over. We're down to two schools. Maybe we need to just go with music composition for now." Will started unclicking options while Puck sighed.

_Fuck, I can't believe I might - I might actually find what I want to do with my life..._His stomach did a slow roll, sweat creeping across his brow. "You know, we _really _don't -"

"Puck, it's fine, we'll get this. The guys are grilling, it's fine, let's just try to find this."

Abandoned in his guitar case, his phone let out a small beep.

* * *

Exhaling shakily, Rachel brushed herself off and stood. _Now go be a good guest, Rachel Berry. You've said all there is to say. _As she headed towards the picnic, she brushed her hair back, straightening her shoulders. _You did. _

Lori nudged Connor, nodding in Rachel's direction. "We got them to agree to Cha Cha - slightly less lame. You up for it?" Lori drew Rachel's arm in hers. "Cleared your mind, gotten everything off your chest?"

_No. _"Yes, all done. It's...that's it." _I am never saying that to him. Never. _Rachel flashed a grin. "So we're cha-chaing in Central Park with a platoon of random people. Fabulous." She tugged Lori in and executed a quick cha cha. "Let's go show them how it's done." She spun her friend out and headed towards the group starting to assemble.

Will and Dan watched her join a line, Will slipping an arm around Dan's waist.

"Think she's all right?" Dan asked quietly.

Will leaned his head on Dan's. "She left him a message too. That's what Lori said. I think that'll help. Greatly, actually. There's a lot she hasn't told us, you know there is. Hopefully she at least told _him."_

* * *

Puck shook his head, shoving away from the computer. _All right, fuck this. _"Mr. Schue, I appreciate it, but I'm just gonna look myself, later. No need to torture everyone." He nodded towards the backyard. _This is a party, not career counseling._ "It's fine, seriously. I mean, I had no fucking clue what to do with myself an hour ago. Just knowing what I'm aiming for...Even if I don't know where, I at least have a start." _And maybe a way back. _The two headed out to rejoin the Gleeks.

"So? Did you solve the mystery of the rest of your life?" Kurt looked over from his lounge chair.

"Not yet, but I'm finally getting somewhere." Puck dropped into a chair, snagging a burger and looking around at everyone. "You know, I gotta ask." He shook his head. "Why is everyone so invested in me doing this?" _Why do you give a shit?_

"Puck, you're one of us. Whatever bullshit you like to pull? You're a Gleek." Tina rolled her eyes. "We stick together."

_**"Just know that I'm here whenever you need me, all right? And I'll never judge you for having a heart."**_

Puck swallowed hard, taking a bite and looking away. _Wish I'd learned that a while back..._

Finn caught his eye with a half-smile. "It's easy to forget sometimes...to forget what it's like to have good friends." He looked to Puck and then to the crowd. "But it's appreciated."

"I don't do group hugs," Puck reminded them. _This is as close to feeling as I'm gonna get with you guys. _"Don't even fucking try it. I _will _slushie you. You won't see it coming, but it'll happen."

"Yeah, right." Artie wheeled up next to him. "If we thought you would? You're right, we wouldn't give a damn about what you do with the rest of your life. The fact that we know that if anyone slushied us, you'd kick their ass?" He smiled. "That's what makes us care."

"I think he's blushing," Quinn teased. "All right, now that his badassness is totally wounded, let's let him recover. Tell us all about Regionals this year!"

"It was so weird without Rachel," Kurt blurted. "Now that I've graduated and am out of that place, I can say it. This year was surreal, Mr. Schue, you know it was. Who expects to walk in on the first day of school and not have her there?"

Will shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you, guys, except that when Juilliard comes knocking? It's awfully hard not to answer. And from what I understand, this program is closely tied to Juilliard, and they specifically recruited her."

_**"Would it still be your privilege?" **_**Her voice low, flirting, while he listened and realized just how far she'd gone.**

_Fuck, Rachel, I'm so sorry..._

* * *

Will handed Rachel an iced tea. "Are you all right, baby girl?"

Rachel tucked herself under his arm. _Isn't that always the question?_ "Yes, Daddy, I - I think I am. I...I sent Noah a voicemail back. I just - I wanted to tell him how -" She sighed, closing her eyes and hugging him close. "I had to say some things." _Before I drove myself insane thinking them._

Will squeezed her back. "You don't have to tell me what, Rachel. I just want to know that you're all right."

She surveyed the crowd, Lori attempting to teach Connor another line dance. _It looks like a cross between the cha cha, the tango, and the Electric Slide._.."I think I'm all right, Daddy, I do. I - I managed to say a lot that was on my mind and -" Rachel clutched at his polo shirt. "Why can't I just hate him, Daddy? Why isn't it just he hurt me and I hate him?"

"I can't tell you that, sweetheart," he said quietly. "I _do _believe you can figure it out, though. Without much effort, in fact."

_Because I still love him, and I know he's just a mess. _"He didn't mean to hurt me. Like I didn't mean to hurt Connor." She grimaced. "I know, Daddy." _I wish I _didn't _know. My life would be so much easier if I didn't understand..._

"How about we collect your dad and go home. I think ice cream and Funny Girl should be just about right."

_"Not_ Funny Girl." Rachel released his shirt to rub a hand over the ache in the middle of her chest. _I can't...that song..._"I'd rather something else, if that's all right."

"But -" He cut himself off. "Oh, Rach, I'm - not Funny Girl. Oklahoma?"

She looked up at him with a small smile. "And they live happily ever after. Can't say I'd object to that. I wouldn't mind riding off into the sunset." _And perhaps I will, someday..._Rachel lifted on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "Thanks, Daddy. Let me just say goodbye to Lori."

* * *

Puck collected his guitar case and his cooler, looking around at the group. "You sure nobody needs a ride?" Everyone shook their heads. "All right, I'm out then. And um, thanks for the -" He cleared his throat. "Thanks for not saying I suck. I, uh...I'll keep you posted with what I find out." He headed to the truck, tossing back a wave. _Oh, shit..._He threw the cooler inside, swinging his guitar case around to his front to grab his cell phone. _Voicemail. But no missed call? That's fucking weird..._He turned the truck on, honking before pulling away from the curb. _Maybe just Ma. _Puck hit the button for speaker, dialing 1 for his mailbox.

**"You have one new message. To get your messages, press 1 -"**

He pressed one again, dropping the phone to the seat as he made his way home.

"Hello, Noah." Rachel's voice filled the cab.

_Holy shit. _Puck pulled over, throwing the truck in park while staring down at his phone. _Holy shit, she - _Her voice rose around him again. _Rachel..._He closed his eyes, laying his head back. _Maybe I can just fucking pretend like she's here..._

_"I...I listened to your message today. Please don't lay any blame in the delay on my father - he did inform me you'd left a message for me but I..." A sigh, a pained laugh. "I wasn't in any sort of frame of mind to listen to it. It would be entirely too convenient to lay the blame for...certain situations that have arisen in my life at your doorstep. And I - I received your other message too. Lori - she told me you met, she told me what you said."_

_She - she fucking _what? _Oh, shit, what did she - did she tell Rachel I - that I love her? _His eyes flew open, panicky gaze fixed on the phone. _Oh, fuck, what if she did..._

_"I'm...Your apology means a great deal, Noah, and Lori told me you realized your mistake, you realized you had hurt me, but that I deserved to be here. Perhaps everything does happen for a reason." A pause, a small choked sound._

_Was she - oh, fuck, Rach, please don't be crying..._Puck clenched his fists tightly around the steering wheel. _Damn it, Rach..._

_"I hope that's what this is, Noah, I hope that this is part of some grander scheme because you hurt me. You did. Your apology lets me know you understand you did, but I have no idea whether you have any concept of the depth and breadth to which you hurt me. I - that man you saw me with...he's amazing. Just a gentleman through and through, considerate, caring, patient...I felt treasured, protected, cared for. He - I knew I was precious to him, every moment. His every word, his every touch..."_

Puck pressed his hands to his eyes, stomach rebelling. _Do not think about it, Puckerman. You can't. Just stop it._

_"And nothing stirred in my heart."_

"Oh, thank fuck." Puck slapped himself in the forehead. _Puckerman, you fucking douche, that's why they broke up. That's _not_a fucking good thing._

_"I wanted to feel something for him, so badly. I wanted to care for him the way I knew he cared for me. But I couldn't. I didn't trust myself, I still don't trust myself, to let go. To believe that people are who they appear to be, and that they won't hurt me. You apologized for taking my certainty away. You did, Noah, and I haven't yet gotten it back._

_I'm glad to hear you're trying, though. I truly am. I wish for you what I couldn't have for myself - somebody to love, right? Isn't that always what we wanted in Glee? Somebody to love. I hope you find someone to love, Noah, someone who you can let love you, like you wouldn't -" A sharp inhale. "I hope to have that myself. I wish you the best of luck, wherever life may take you. I hope you realize the wonderful person I've always seen inside you is the real you. And I can only hope that the -" Another pause, a careful clearing of her throat. "- that the next girl, whether it be Quinn or someone else, can see and appreciate that person too." A long silence. Her voice, quiet with an edge of sadness, spoke again. "Goodbye, Noah."_

Her hoarsely whispered farewell hung in the air around him. _Fuck, Rach...I never wanted to make you cry...I just - Fuck, I really thought I was doing the right thing..._He hit the pound key to save the message. _I'm so fucking sorry, Rachel..._He tightened his hands around the steering wheel, pulling back onto the road. _I fucked everything up for _both _of us..._

Noah let himself into the house quietly, peering around. _Oh, thank fuck, maybe she's not -_

"Noah?" His mother looked out from the kitchen. "Is that you? Sweetheart, is everything -"

_Shit. _"Yeah, Ma, it's me." He brought the cooler in and forced a smile. "The coleslaw was a hit, thanks."

"You're welcome." She stood, crossing to him and placing a hand on his back. "What's wrong?"

_I'm an absolute fuck up. _"Nothing, Ma, I'm just -" Noah turned to face her. "I get a lead on the rest of my life, and then I get a voicemail from Rachel. I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. Sorry."

Ilana rolled her eyes, gesturing to the table. "Sit. Talk. Get a drink if you have to."

He grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and sat. _Well, here goes. _"I write music, Ma," he explained. "I ended up messing around with one of my songs at the barbecue and Mr. Schue says I might be good enough to get into a program to get a degree in it."

"Noah, that's wonderful! You've been hoping for direction for a while." She patted his arm. "Where would these programs be?"

"I was thinking of New York City," he murmured, shaking his head. _I just wanted to get back to her, but..._"Now I'm not so sure."

"What did she say, Noah? Do you want to talk about it?" She took his hand, squeezing until he looked up at her. "I'm here, sweetheart, and I won't judge you."

"It's not even what she said, Ma. She was...fuck, she wished me _well, _and told me she hoped I realized what a good person I was." _How fucked is that?_

"Oh, Noah, it sounds like -"

"Except that was after telling me how much I hurt her, and that she hopes someday she can actually find someone to love when she's ready. I fucking _broke her,_ Ma. I know I did. I could hear it in her voice." He shook his head. _Fuck it, Puckerman, you knew it _then _too, asshole. _"Where the fuck do I get off trying to get anywhere near her again?"

"I'm going to excuse the language, and focus on content here. Noah, you didn't mean to hurt her. I think she knows that. If she's wishing the best for you, sweetheart, she knows." Ilana squeezed his hand again. "I don't know what to tell you to do. I will tell you to look into that music thing, though, especially if your teacher thinks you have potential." Letting go of his hand, she stood and kissed his temple. "She doesn't hate you, Noah. She wouldn't have wished you well if she did. I know she's a nice Jewish girl, but that would just be a doormat move, and she's not a doormat. Go see what's out there. If it's in New York? Well, so much the better. You just figured out what you want to do, go see if the where lines up." She rubbed his shoulder and left the room.

Blowing out a breath, Noah rubbed his hands over his head. _I wish I could - no, I'm not fucking calling her today. Not after that. But I should do something productive, right? _He snagged his bottle of water and ran up to his bedroom, sitting at the computer. _Let's see..._Smoothing a hand over his mouth, he shrugged. _Best college music composition program_, he typed. He clicked the first link, frowning. _Message board? Nope. _He backed out and looked to the next link. "That looks better."_Top Music Colleges, Schools and Universities. _He grabbed the nearest blank piece of paper and a pencil. _Staff paper. Appropriate. _He skimmed down the list, jotting down names. _UC Berkeley...Harvard - yeah, right..._He erased it. _UPenn, Columbia - _Noah closed his eyes, shaking his head. _If I'm gonna do this, if I'm gonna be that guy - _"What the fuck." Into the search box, he typed _best music composition program new york city. _

* * *

Curly and Laurey sang themselves and the surrey off into the sunset as Rachel sat between her fathers.

"Did that help?" Dan flipped it off, kissing Rachel's temple. "You're going to be all right, pumpkin, I promise you will. Daddy and I will make sure of it. We're in New York City now. I'm sure we could find a guy who knew a guy." He nudged her with his shoulder.

"Thanks, Dad. I'm just - ugh, I just wish I felt...finished, you know? Like I had said my piece. There are so many things I could've said, so many things I could have asked...Just to say it, just to know whether I'm crazy or not, whether I just read him all wrong..." She pressed her head back into the cushions, closing her eyes. _You'll drive yourself mad, Rachel..._"But if I had said any of that, it would require a response, and that would be even more of an ordeal than leaving the initial message was." She opened her eyes to gaze at the ceiling. "And then there's the part of me that wants to hear his voice, that thinks he'll tell me he loves me." _That night...please, I couldn't have mistaken him so badly..._

Will and Dan exchanged a look over her head.

"But _then _I realize, what would that accomplish? I don't know that I'd even be able to trust _him. _Because who's to say that he won't relapse on this path to...oh, I don't know, to releasing his inner Noah?"

Will smothered a laugh. "Rachel. It's okay. You're all right, baby girl. Exhale." He rubbed her arm gently. "Is he here right now?"

"No."

"No, exactly. So let's just cut that last part about his relapse, shall we? He's not here for that to be your problem." Will kept the rhythmic stroking going. "Nor do you have to worry about trusting him. What do you need right now? Not want, but need. First thing that comes to mind."

"Peace. I need peace of mind, I need to be able to breathe without hurting."

Will closed his eyes, pulling her against him. "Oh, sweetheart..." Kissing her forehead, he sighed. "Do you think talking to him would give you peace of mind? What are you waiting to hear?"

"That it was a big mistake, that...that he's - I don't know, Daddy, that he's coming for me?" She scoffed. "I was complaining that my life was turning into a Lifetime movie, and here I am asking for a fairy tale." Sighing heavily, Rachel buried her face in Will's shoulder. "He's there, I'm here, and I need...I need to let it go. I need to really live my life without him."

"And would getting a call back from him help you do that? Would you really want to start a dialogue?"

"No, Daddy, I know you're right. It's just - I wish that getting my heart and my head to agree were easier than this."

Will kissed her head, drawing Dan down to rest his head on her shoulder as both men hugged her. "I do too, Rachel, I wish I could go in there and just fix it so they were perfectly synchronized. But that's not how it works. And that's all right. You can take time, sweetheart, you can be a little less than perfect for a while."

Rachel choked out a laugh. "Oh, Daddy. I've been less than perfect for a long time. A _long _time."

"Not to me, baby girl. Not to me. Your heart always comes back to the right place. And that makes you perfect to me."

Rachel looked up at him, the tears falling again. "But it still wasn't good enough for him..."

"Oh, sweetheart..." Will tucked her under his chin and held her as she cried.

* * *

_Shit. I'm not good enough for these programs. _Puck rubbed his hands down his face, exhaling. _So much for finding my fucking purpose in life. Just another dead end for a fuck-up like me. _He tossed the pencil to the side, the staff paper laying on the desk in front of him. _Gotta write more music, with different instrumentation, and then they actually want you to be smart and shit. Actual fucking classes, real fucking work. Not just write music and you're in. I mean, shit...auditions? _He shoved away from the desk, stalking into the bathroom to stare at himself in the mirror. _Or it could be a sign. You already didn't know if this was right. It's not. You didn't deserve her then. You still don't. Just let it go. _He squeezed the countertop in his hands as his gaze went hard on his reflection. _Let _her _go. Let her go, Puckerman. You fucking blew it. Let her go. _

_**"I wanted to feel something for him, so badly. I wanted to care for him the way I knew he cared for me. But I couldn't."**_

_Let her go._

* * *

"Daddy?" Rachel sniffled, inhaling raggedly and peering up from his shoulder. "I - I have to ask you something," she whispered. "I know you'll think I've lost my mind. I know _I_ think I have, just for thinking -"

"Rachel, honey. Just tell me." Will caught her eyes. "I promise I won't judge you. You know I won't." She buried her head in his chest while he exchanged a worried glance with Dan.

_I can't believe I'm going to ask this..._Rachel pressed closer, choking the request out into the fabric of his shirt. "Could you...could you forward his message?"

"Oh, sweetheart..." Will nodded, fighting to keep his composure. "Baby girl...of course." He and Dan rocked her between them. "Of course."

* * *

_**Monday**_

Rachel groaned as her alarm turned on, the frenetic piano of Billy Joel's "Prelude/Angry Young Man" bursting from her speakers. _Maybe you need to change that again, Rachel. A little too appropriate for someone else..._

She shut the alarm off, sitting up. _The beach sounded like such a good idea last week. But I want to stay in bed all day and cry perhaps. Or deconstruct everything in light of his message and see if he - if I was right and he - _"Ugh!" She threw off the covers, grabbing her robe and heading out into the apartment.

"Everything okay, baby girl?" Will frowned at her over his coffee. "Did I just hear you -"

"Cry out in exasperation and impatience at myself? Yes." Rachel held up a hand. "I'm okay, Daddy. When are you leaving for work?"

"I have about half an hour. Want to talk about it?"

"Yes. After I shower. Hold that thought." She quickly showered, returning to the kitchen in her bikini and a sundress, sitting with a sigh as her tea steeped.

"Tell me to stop thinking about him? I just - I just want to be all right. To feel okay. I want to move on, to actually let go. I don't know how. There's so much I want to say..."

"Would you object if I gave you an exercise I give my patients?" Will took a sip of his coffee. "It seems to help."

Rachel nodded, a grim smile on her lips. "Daddy, at this point? I'm willing to try anything."

"It's a regularly used therapeutic device - the unsent letter. Write, type, whichever, but you get it all out of you. When you're done, if there's anything worth sharing with the recipient, we can discuss it. Otherwise, at the very least, you've successfully purged yourself." Will reached across the table to squeeze her hand. "Can't hurt, right?"

"Not any more than I'm _currently _hurting, no." She blew out a breath, staring into her teacup. "I'll give that a try, thank you." Rachel took a slow sip, shrugging. "I do believe that's a large portion of the problem - all I've left unsaid." She gave a small smile. "I'm not very good at containing myself."

Will laughed. "That's not always a negative thing, Rachel. This might be just what you need, then. And if you want to send it in the end? Send it." He stood from the table and kissed the top of her head. "Go enjoy today, honey. You and Lor deserve to relax. If you want to write that letter? Bring a journal. But otherwise? Tan, swim, sing, read. You have so much ahead of you, baby girl. Don't forget that." With a quick squeeze of her shoulder, he walked back to his bedroom.

**_"I believe in miracles...where you from, you sexy thing..."_**

_What on Earth..._Rachel picked her cell phone up gingerly. _Did - could she have - _She looked down at the display to see Lori's face grinning up at her from the screen. _How did she - _"Hello?"

"Good morning, sunshine! Like my new ringtone?"

Rachel shook her head, grabbing her beach bag. "I was wondering what in the world that was until I realized it was coming from my phone!"

"Just trying to brighten up your life, babe, figured it'd make you smile." Lori's voice was teasing as she continued. "Besides, it's like some hot guy is serenading you every time I call. What could possibly be better for your ego, hmm? Now get your tuchus downstairs, we've got a train to catch!"

"Yes, ma'am! Dad, Daddy, we're leaving!" Rachel hollered into the apartment.

"So proud, Rach. You just yelled instead of walking back through!"

Blushing, Rachel bit her lip. "Your influence! I'll be down in a minute." She hung up, turning towards her fathers' bedroom.

Dan and Will emerged to exchange hugs and kisses. "If anything, pumpkin, I'm around to get you, all right?" Dan took hold of her arms, eyes locked on hers. "You know I will."

"I know, Dad, thank you." She kissed his cheek, exchanging hugs with Will. "See you later."

"Let it all wash away, baby girl. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Whatever is going on with Noah is going on with him, _not you._ All right? I know you care about him, but right now you need to take care of you." He handed her a small journal and a pen. "Just in case."

"Thanks, Daddy." Rachel kissed them both again, running out the door.

"Can I beat him yet?" Dan asked when the door closed.

"I'd say yes, darling, except I'm sure he's doing that himself." Will kissed his husband, holding him tightly.

* * *

Puck lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. _Fuck this. I can't get into those programs. I need to leave her the fuck alone. _He turned his head to look at his phone on the nightstand. _Fuck, Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't want to fuck you up by loving you, and I end up fucking you up by letting you go. I just can't do right by you. _He rubbed a hand over his forehead. _No matter how hard I try. _

_"Everybody was kung fu fighting...Those cats were fast as lightning..."_

Puck grabbed his cell, smirking. _Chang. 'COD showdown? _"Why the fuck not." _'My place, 1 hr," _he replied quickly and flipped onto his stomach. _May as well figure out how to make the best of what I've got here._

* * *

Lori dragged Rachel down the ramp to the sand, beaming. "Let's find our sliver of paradise and get in the water!"

Rachel wrinkled her nose at the surf. "I'm not so certain of that, Lori, but I will definitely get my feet wet." _I have too much on my mind to be out there - waves are still a new phenomenon. _"We can set up beyond the bathing area and you can just head to the water:"

Lori sighed. "Fine, I won't force you. But it's fun out there!"

"For you. For me? Lying on the sand will suffice today."

"You still reeling?" Lori slung her arm around Rachel's shoulders as they walked. "Come on, you know he's got to be suffering. What's the saying?" She nodded towards an unclaimed patch of sand. "Oh, I know!" With a mock British drawl, Lori spoke. "Dahling, living well is the best revenge." Lori smiled, snapping the sheet with a flourish and laying it out.

Rachel gave a half-smile in return. "I know, Lor, and I will. I just need to clear the rest of this from my head. Which I intend to do this morning, actually." Stripping the sundress off, Rachel grabbed the sunblock from her bag to start applying it. "Hopefully by the time my sunblock is set, I will be ready to just start living well."

Lori raised a brow. "Am I missing something?" She slathered herself quickly. "Are you leaving another message?"

"No! No, not at all." Rachel pulled the small Moleskin journal from her beach bag. "The unsent letter. Daddy suggested I just write what I want to say and figure out after whether it's worth saying. So, if you could assist with sunblock application on my back, you just head down, Lor. It's nearly 11, I'll join you soon. I promise."

Lori frowned, sighing. "Fine. But I will tear you away if I have to. Deal?"

"Please, yes, absolutely. Noah Puckerman doesn't deserve any more of my attention. I just need to clear my head, and that's it. No more. Anything he says is months too late, too removed. The best I hope is he doesn't break anyone else's heart the way he broke mine."

Lori bit her lip. "From what I saw that night, Rach? The only heart he's breaking now is his own."

"Good." Rachel turned her back to her friend, chewing her lower lip. _If only he'd realized that sooner..._

* * *

Puck answered the doorbell, letting Chang in with a smile. "Ready for a slaughter or ten?"

Mike laughed, closing the door behind him. "Was maybe hoping you'd share your secrets, but yeah, something like that." He followed Puck into the living room, dropping himself on the couch. "Let the mayhem begin!"

* * *

Rachel settled into the blanket, blowing out a breath as she put her headphones in. _Time to truly close the chapter, Rachel. Past time. _Plucking the journal from her bag, she smoothed it open and started to write.

_"Dear Noah,_

_You will never read this letter. But knowing that gives me the freedom to say things I didn't say in that message. That message was meant to be an end to that chapter in my life. And yet, here I am with all this"_

Rachel tapped the pen against her chin.

_"angst. All of this unproductive, unreleased emotion. It gets me nowhere."_

* * *

"So what happened with the whole music thing?" Mike asked between games. "Look at it yet?"

Puck shook his head. "Yeah, I looked, but the requirements are fucking nuts. Auditions, with three original works and different instrumentation. I mean, I can write music, but it's mostly guitar, bass, drum. I just don't know enough to pull it off."

* * *

_"Did you know, Noah? Did you suspect I was in love with you? I've never been adept at concealing my feelings. Is that why you ran to her? Did you hear me that night? Looking back now, I wouldn't be surprised if you had. And yet that night...that night, we"_

Rachel inhaled shakily. _This is the entire purpose of this exercise, Rachel. To say all the things you haven't said..._

_"made love, Noah. I _felt _it, I felt a difference. I would have sworn you felt the same._

_Until, of course, I walk into school the next day. I wasn't surprised to find you gone in the morning, but to find you wrapped up with Quinn decimated me, Noah. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like, what betrayal was, but the moment I saw you with her? I realized what I had felt before was nothing in comparison. And the worst part of it all was that I had tried to stop it from going too far, I tried to let go. And _you _wouldn't let me. I swear you didn't want me to. And when you appeared that night...when you wouldn't leave...I thought it meant something to you."_

* * *

"That sucks, dude. What do you think you're gonna do then? Gonna stick with Lima?"

"I guess? I don't really know. It was just a fucking tease -"  
_**  
**_

* * *

_**"You said you wanted me in just this..." **_**Rachel slowly stripped her skirt and underwear off, reaching under the sweatshirt to remove her bra, tossing red lace at him.**  
_**  
"You little tease..." **_**He stalked to her, hands delving beneath the heavy fabric to find her skin.**  
_**  
"It's only a tease if I won't follow through, and I know you can convince me..." **_**Rachel smiled at him, eyes shining as he lowered his lips to hers.**

* * *

Puck rubbed a hand over his face. _Damn it, Puckerman. _"It was like I could see myself doing that, like I had a path, and then it was like, oh, shit, sorry, not really."

* * *

_"And you're sorry now. You've realized the error of your ways. And that's wonderful. I appreciate it. I do. But that doesn't change how you affected me then. That doesn't mend the heart and the spirit that broke. I put on a performance, Noah, every minute of every day that I was there. _  
_  
And then you kissed me. And that was"_  
_  
Amazing. Damn it, Rachel! _She sighed, dropping her head to the book. _Damn it, it _was _amazing, and I could see myself so easily just letting you..._  
_  
"wholly inappropriate, and yet ridiculously perfect. And I just...I couldn't. I couldn't do it, anymore, Noah, I saw you around every corner, heard you down every hall, felt you staring at me. What did you want from me? What did you think would happen? You left me in the dead of night for her, and then you kiss me, you come check on me, you clean up after me. Damn it, Noah, don't you see? The whole time I was in love with you? You were in love with me._  
_  
But you were so terrified, so unwilling to see it. And Puck wins, and I'm left behind again."_

* * *

"So that's it?" Mike scratched his head. "It's not gonna work?"

"Well, I don't have the music, I don't have the grades. What am I supposed to do? I'd have to redo everything, learn to score for like, I dunno, a brass band -"

"Like working with the jazz band? Isn't that what you did in Glee? You helped arrange stuff with them, right?"

Puck shrugged. "Yeah, but I already had music. I didn't have to think of anything new. It's not that easy." _Especially when I'm pretty sure I'm a complete fuck-up. _

* * *

_"You did everything you judged them for. Everything you disparaged. And it was so much worse for that. I _trusted _you, I let my guard down. I relaxed into what we were, what we had. I didn't think I could do that, I certainly didn't intend to. But you let your guard down around me, you let me see that other side of you. That's the man you can become. If you'd only get out of your own damn way. _  
_  
I hope you actually are growing up, you know. I've always wanted the best for you. The only thing that makes me unhinged is the thought that _I _was the best for you. It was _us, _Noah, it was us together that brought out the best in each of us. Or what I _thought _was the best in me. _  
_  
It wasn't enough for you. And I have to tell myself - _consciously remind myself - _that it's _your _problem. That I _am _good enough. And to prove it to myself, I nearly ruined a good man, Noah, a good person. That's the legacy you've left in my heart. That is what I am struggling to overcome. This guilt and blame and shame and hurt and you know what? I'm angry. I'm_finally _angry. How could you be so blind? It must have been the uniform that overwhelmed your senses. Because suddenly you were Puck again. And by the time you realize you like Noah too? I'm gone. I had to. I thought I was the luckiest girl on Earth when you let your guard down with me. I was wrong. Luck was one dream coming true as another one failed spectacularly."_

* * *

"Yeah, it's not easy. Whoever said it was gonna be?" Mike grabbed the headset and the controller. "I mean, just think of like...like, _Rachel_. When I saw her after graduation last year, it was...weird. I guess I kinda knew something was up. And then she's in the wind, in New York City." He adjusted his armor class, continuing thoughtfully. "She got what she wanted, even after all the shit she went through here. And c'mon -" He turned to Puck. "You had your own shit to deal with. Who says you can't turn it around? Get a tutor, or take music lessons. You're not dumb, you're just stupid." A call from the screen drew Mike's attention back. "Game on."

* * *

_Well, I hope you're happy with your choice. I hope that you become whomever you want to be. I hope that I can be whole again, and let go enough to love. I have one up on you in that regard, at least._  
_  
I already know how to love deeply, unconditionally. To want to be a better person to the person whom I'm with. I know how exhilarating it can be to let go, to trust._  
_  
It scared the shit out of you. And I pity you that, Noah. Because you have to learn how to love like that from nothing._  
_  
I would've happily shown you._  
_  
_Goodbye, _Noah. I can't keep you in my heart anymore. I won't. I want to love someone who'll love me freely. And that person, I have learned from bitter experience, is not you."_

Rachel rubber-banded the journal shut, tears burning her eyes while Sarah McLachlan sang in her ears. _Noah Puckerman is but a figment of a bad dream, and I am ready to awaken._ She ripped the headphones from her ears, tossing them and the book into her beach bag. _I want to move on, I want to leave it behind permanently. What good is thinking of him now? _Standing, she walked down to the water, finding Lori in the surf. _There is nothing left between you anymore, Rachel. Nothing._

* * *

_Well, shit. What the fuck's a sign and what's not? _He sighed while Mike focused on the game. _Had to compare it to Rachel. Like it's not all fucked up because I can't figure shit out with her._

**Brutal and scathing tone as Lori chastised him. **_**"She knows somewhere that you gave a lot more of a shit than you wanted her to believe, but she's equally convinced that you didn't think she was worth fighting for. How fast would **_**you **_**get over that?" **_

**Rachel's soft voice in his ears, his eyes closed to call her back to him. **_**"I hope you realize the wonderful person I've always seen inside you is the real you."**_

_Not without _you, _Rach. I'm not that guy without you. _"I could really fucking do this, huh?"

"Yeah, dude, you could. Bet Schue would help out. If you wanted to." Mike mashed buttons quickly. "Artie could talk to the jazz band."

_**"Noah, you know I've always believed you could do anything you wanted."**_

"You really think so?"

"Dude. Your lack of ego is gonna get me killed. Yes. Call Artie, call Schue. Bet you."

Puck pulled his cell from his pocket, staring at the screen. _Do you want her or not, Puckerman? _He typed out a message. _The fuck do I have to lose? _Scrolling through his phone book, he found Mr. Schuester's number, typing quickly. _If I'm gonna have a shot, gotta start with him...'Need help w/music comp pgms. Actual curriculum. Still can't speak Spanish.' _He turned his attention back to Mike's game, silently pointing out enemies and sniper spots and keeping a loose eye on his phone. _Fuck it, he'll get back to me when he - _The phone started to dance across the side table, and Puck grabbed it, flipping it open.

_'Say when.'_

Exhaling heavily, he shook his head. _Well, shit. You're outnumbered, Puckerman. Time to fucking live up to your potential._

* * *

She stepped into the water, breath hissing in at the chill. _Wash it away, Rachel, let it go. _She closed her eyes, trailing her fingertips in the surf. _It's _his _mistake, his loss. Don't let it be _your _mistake. _Rachel shook her head, willing the last words Sarah McLachlan had sung to her out of her mind.

_"And I threw bitter tears at the ocean -  
But all that came back was the tide... _

_And I will, oh, I will not forget you..." _

* * *

**A.N.: **This could've been much, much longer - I originally intended quite a bit more to happen. But it would've been *too* long, so there you have it. I'm so grateful for all your support and compliments and kind words. Writing this story, as much as it breaks my heart, is a joy, and I thank you for sharing in it with me. ❤


	9. Just a Little Bit

**A.N.**: I swear, I will be better. I am determined to get back on the wagon with writing, and here, my darlings, is a BTL update for your patience. This story still has such a hold over me, and I found THE song for the second arc of it. :) I'll tell you when the time is right. Meanwhile, I do hope you enjoy.

_Suggested listening: Just a Little Bit, Maria Mena; Rise, Eddie Vedder; Slow Me Down, Emmy Rossum; Untitled, Jericho; Shape of My Heart, Sting; It's for the Best, Straylight Run; Seasons of Love, Rent; Come and Find Me, Josh Ritter; Your Ex-Lover is Dead, Stars _

**Chapter 8 - Just a Little Bit**

* * *

_**One year later...**_

_Holy shit. _Noah looked down at the envelope in his hands, blowing out a breath as he flipped the New York University logo away from him. _You know this is 50/50 at best._ Tearing it open, he unfolded the thick paper. "Dear Mr. Puckerman, after careful review of your portfolio we - "_ Fuck._ "We regret to inform you...unable to offer you a seat...great potential...please audition again..." He walked into the kitchen and tossed it on the table, shaking his head. "I didn't make it."

Ilana and the Gleeks let out a collective sigh, Will Schuester crossing the room to clap him on the shoulder. "Sorry, Puck."

He shrugged, smiling at the assemblage. _Yeah, me too. Shit._ "Whatever, it's cool. Who puts together a portfolio for NYU in six months? You guys have been amazing, but I should've learned from all the shi-" _Your mom, dumbass. _"Well, you can't rush it when it matters. And they said to try again. I don't think they'd put that in everyone's letter, right?"

"I doubt it," Mr. Schue offered. "Composers and musicians are notoriously obsessive. You put something like that in a letter, you're guaranteed to have people try again." Squeezing his shoulder, Will smiled. "And either way? You keep writing and we'll do this again next year."

"Thanks, guys." _Just wish it fucking got me somewhere..._Noah raised an eyebrow. "Does this mean I still get the free tutoring? 'Cause it's really helping, I _do _still wanna graduate with some degree, just in case." _If I can't get there for school, I'll get there for work. But I'll get there._

Ilana bit her lip and looked around the room. "Guys, _I _will pay you if he wants the tutoring. This actual interest in doing well...it's amazing - please, let's keep the momentum, huh?"

The room echoed with laughter.

"Yeah, thanks, Ma. Anyway, thanks and get the fu - I'll see you guys later." Noah turned an innocent gaze on his mother. "What?" _Come on, I can't curse after this?_

Ilana ushered the herd to the door, rolling her eyes at him over her shoulder. "I know for a fact you can correctly express yourself in proper English, Noah, I'd appreciate it if you try to do it."

_**"You're the representative case for underachievement, its Patient Zero, if you will."**_

He forced a smile. "Will do, Ma." _And while I'm thinking of it..._"I should call Will, right?"

"It's up to you, sweetheart. Does he know you got the letter today?"

Dropping into a seat at the table, he shook his head. "He knows I was trying to transfer to a music composition program. I didn't tell him where." _And I definitely won't now. Damn it._

"Well, doesn't hurt either way, then." Ilana shrugged. "Rachel wouldn't have any expectations."

_**"I hope you realize the wonderful person I've always seen inside you is the real you."**_

_She never expected anything out of me except for me to live up to my potential..._Noah shook his head with a half-smile. "No. Rach has no clue." _And what if she did? No guarantee she'd want anything to do with you, Puckerman..._"I didn't even want him to tell her what I decided on as a major. Seems almost cruel." _Especially when she was right about everything..._

"Cruel?" Ilana raised a brow. "That's a strong word to use."

A snort of laughter escaped him. "Yeah, and I think it's the right one." _It's _still _a fucking understatement._ He met her gaze. "Considering Rach told me when I graduated that I could be somebody, that I write beautiful music..."

"Oh, Noah..." Ilana squeezed his hand. "I see why you wouldn't want her knowing. How is she, anyway?"

Noah sighed heavily. _Good fucking question. _"Will says she's fine. She's throwing herself into every performing group, recital, master class - everything."

His mother tilted her head questioningly. "And how do _you _think she's doing?"

"It's typical Rachel Berry. When in doubt, sing." _That was her solution for everything..._He shrugged. "She could be anywhere from totally fine to on the verge of a nervous breakdown." _Everything but this. And what does _that _tell you, Puckerman?_

She frowned. "I get the feeling you think the latter?"

"Well, yeah. She - we -" He took a breath. _May as well, you know it's the fucking truth. _"I _was_ cruel, Ma. I didn't mean to be, I thought I was saving her from herself. I didn't think she really - I didn't believe she loved me. Not like that." _I wish I fucking had..._

Dropping a kiss on his head, Ilana rested her cheek on it briefly. "Sweetheart, I am so, so sorry I didn't give you the support and love you deserved. I was a horrible mother. Maybe _I _should call and apologize too..."

Noah let out a pained laugh. "I think you're fine, Ma. Whatever happened, it was still me." _My stupidity, my fucking insecurity..._"It was what _I_ said, what _I _did. I knew what I was doing, I just...whatever. Lima loser." _And I let the one person who believed in me go. Fuck that. I drove her away._

Ilana grabbed her son by the chin. "Noah. Don't you dare say that. You know it's not true."

He sighed. "Yeah, I know." _Now. _"I just - I was hoping to get there. To be there." _With her._

She sat back down. "I knew it. You put on a good show for your friends."

_Rachel would've known..._He ran a hand over his head, her words rising through his memory again.

_**Her eyes sparkling in the summer sun. "I see you better than you might think, Noah Puckerman." Smile playing on her lips as she splashed him.**_ _**"I know you better than you suspect."**_

"Noah? Where did you go?" Concern was etched in his mother's furrowed brow.

_To when it was still good. _"Sorry, Ma. Yeah, I can put on a good face when I have to."

_**"Thanks, Berry." Walking away, fighting down bile with every step.**_

_I didn't want to walk away, Rachel, I swear..._"I really wanted this to work. I wanted to get to New York City so badly." _I thought I was doing right by you._

"Do they know?" She gestured at the door. "The - what do you call them? Gleeks?"

_My friends._ He cracked a genuine smile. "Yeah, Ma. And they don't know. Just Quinn."

"Your ex. You don't do things the easy way, do you?"

_**"That's what sets Rachel apart from all of us. She **_**only **_**knows how to stick with the hard stuff."**_ **Her friend shaking her head, shared knowledge between them.**

"Guess not," he murmured. "Must've picked that up somewhere."

* * *

"And then Saturday I'm going to be performing at the Next Generation Center with the select ensemble before work." Rachel leaned her head on Will's shoulder. "This performance schedule is grueling." _And rewarding. And all-consuming. _

"Well, who signed on for it?" He kissed her temple. "You can slow down whenever you want, Rachel, you know that. And you know what I think."

_Yes, I know, I know. _"Daddy, I'm _not_ running. I'm..._developing. _Blossoming. An important period of growth and maturation for any aspiring artist. By exposing myself to the myriad opportunities to be had in such an eclectic city, I am broadening my frame of reference, developing as a performer. It's a crucial period of time - I am a _sponge, _Daddy, and it's my responsibility to fully avail myself of the benefits of that openness, the very _gestalt _of the enduring and beloved star I could be -"

"Sweetheart, relax. I'm not going to lecture you. I trust you'll slow down when you're ready. Or, unfortunately, you'll get a slap in the face. I'd really rather the former than the latter, baby girl, but it's going to happen." Will squeezed her closer. "And I'm here either way. But how about you give yourself a break tonight, hmm? Get in your pajamas, pick out a movie..."

"I was planning to go to a night of scenes Lori's been working at, it's a workshop, but there could be a worthy monologue or an independent study that has future potential." She gnawed on her lower lip. "I really don't think I should miss it." _I cannot miss any opportunity to further my art. That is unacceptable._ _Plus I don't need to spend all night justifying myself and my schedule._

"Rachel, it's _July._ There is no class. You don't have any lessons tonight. You made Dean's List. You have a full-time job _giving _lessons, you're still working at the Prom. I think you have enough in your repertoire for a while." He leaned around to meet her gaze. "Take a night off."

_This _is _off - I'm not the one performing. _Rachel took a deep breath. "I just don't -" She stopped speaking as Prelude/Angry Young Man sounded from her father's pocket. _Absolutely not. _"I think I'll go to the workshop, Daddy."

Will closed his eyes, shaking his head. "His timing is always impeccable." He withdrew his cell, sighing at the display. "You know I don't have to take this, baby girl, I won't if -"

Rachel stood and held her hand out to stop him. "Daddy, please. Take the call. You haven't heard from him that much this year. If he's calling, it must be something." _And in another universe, he'd share it with me..._She forced a smile. "Tell him hello." Turning quickly, she grabbed her keys and purse. _I must get to the show. And away from here. _Rachel closed the door behind her as she left.

* * *

Will flipped the phone open, swinging his legs onto the couch. "Hello, Noah."

"Hi, Mr. Berry." Noah licked his lips. _Here goes. _"I hope I'm not disturbing you, I just wanted to update you, since I haven't really been in touch."

Will looked at the closed door. "No, son, you're not. Though I'm hoping the fact I haven't been hearing from you means things have improved for you in Lima? With your mother and such?"

"Yeah, Ma and I are doing good. Especially since I figured out the whole rest of my life thing," he deadpanned. _Just wish I did this sooner._

"That's right! The transfer applications. Did you hear back?"

Puck glared at the letter on the table. _Fucking shit._ "I, um...I didn't make it into the program I wanted." _And the rest don't even fucking count._

"Damn it, I'm sorry, Noah. I know how hard you were working to get your grades up. Which program? What did they say?" Will gazed hopefully at the ceiling.

_I'm not saying anything about New York until I can fucking get there. _"The letter told me to audition again after developing my portfolio, and I'm gonna. I figured it was a long shot to make it in after six months of work when people have been working on it for years." _Or their whole lives, like Rachel..._"So, next April I'll try again." _And again until I either get in, or graduate and get a job in New York City._

"Do you think it makes a difference if you audition in person? I know you said you sent in a video audition." Will shook his head, sighing softly.

"It's actually on YouTube, that's how they want it. And there were a bunch who auditioned that way - apparently the actual audition slots fill up really fast. I - I can email you the link if you want, I, um, I don't mind. I mean - you don't - whatever, it's -" Noah slapped himself in the forehead. _Lay off, Puckerman…_

Raising a brow, Will replied, "If you'd like. Wberrypsych, all one word. I'm on Gmail. And actually, feel free to email me too. I check it regularly, I can respond to you easily if I'm in between clients."

"Thanks, Mr. Berry. I will. How -" He rubbed his hand over his mouth. _Fuck it. _"How's Rachel?"

Heaving a sigh, Will pressed his hand to his eyes. "Rachel is Rachel, Noah, she's dealing with things the best way she knows how."

* * *

Rachel shook her head and stood as the stagehands set the next scene. _This is atrocious. I simply cannot stay. _Biting her lip, she threaded through the row, murmuring apologies. _I should've_ _just stayed home, Daddy was right. _Opening the doors, she snuck into the lobby, sighing. "Good thing this was free," she muttered.

"You get what you pay for," a familiar voice answered behind her.

"Lori!" Rachel spun around, pressing a hand to her heart. _Damn it, I'd have to run into you?_

"I thought I saw you in the audience - why the hell are you at a night of scenes I told you was going to suck?" Lori crossed her arms and arched a brow.

* * *

"You mean keeping herself busy every fucking minute so she's not alone with her thoughts." Puck pulled the cell away from his ear to hit himself in the forehead. _Damn it. I should've known._ "I'm such a fuck-up."

"Noah, stop it. There's nothing to be gained from that. Rachel will deal with things eventually." Will rubbed his eyes. "She's just reeling still. Her senior year was an emotional roller coaster, so freshman year was another animal. And she even says hello."

"Rachel?" He sat up straighter. _She says hello?_ "Is she - is she there? Does she want to -"

"No, Noah, she heard your ring tone. She's at a night of scenes with Lori." Will pinched the bridge of his nose. "She's been on vacation since May and hasn't slowed down at all."

* * *

"I was just – " Rachel paused. _Get it together, Rachel. _"I wanted to see if there was anything redeeming, to try to strategize how I would approach such poor material." _That sounded semi-plausible, right?_

Lori rolled her eyes. "Uh, yeah, sure. It's worth sitting in a sweltering auditorium - and oh, I _do _remember telling you _that _too - just to think about something you'd never allow in your career? Uh-huh."

She drew herself up. _Apparently not. _"Well, I - it seemed -"

"Lor? What are -" Connor broke off, looking at Rachel. "Oh. Oh, sorry. Hey, Rachel, didn't realize you were here. You look well."

"Thanks, Connor, hello. I -" She looked from Connor to Lori and back again. _Oh, Rachel. _"Oh, _no,"_ she groaned. _This cannot be happening._ "I ruined a date."

* * *

"She's gonna burn out." Puck swore, standing and pacing the kitchen. _Fuck, Rachel, you know better than this._

"I've warned her, believe me." Will looked over as the door opened, his husband walking in. "She won't listen to me or to her dad." Will held a hand out for Dan.

"Noah?" he mouthed.

Will nodded as Dan curled up next to him. "Rachel is going to do what she wants. We just have to be here to catch her. I told her that right before she walked out the door."

"Is there anything I could do?" He rolled his eyes. _Yeah fucking right, Puckerman. You've done enough._

* * *

"You didn't ruin anything, Rachel, relax." Connor raised a brow, looking from one to the other. "Everything okay?"

Lori rolled her eyes. "Yeah, everything's fine. Rachel just needs to stop being such an overachiever. Tell Sam I'll be back inside in a minute."

"Wait - you weren't -" Rachel closed her eyes, biting back a whimper. _It just gets better, doesn't it._ "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to wait for the ground to swallow me whole, please? Thanks."

Lori chuckled. "It's okay, Rach, chill. Sam actually just lost points for not being the one to follow me. And don't even talk to me about your sick plan to hook me up with your ex. I, um...I think it might happen anyway. So just keep your nose out of it. And for real - what're you doing here? Did the dads put a sock up on the door or something? Which, kind of - eww." She shuddered. "I will never conjure such a mental image again. No offense."

* * *

Will closed his eyes. "Noah, no offense, while I appreciate the sentiment, I don't see how you could help. If there seems to be something you can remedy, I'll let you know. Just stay on track, all right? Don't let this rejection shake you. If this is what you want to do, take a page from Rachel's book and stick with it."

"I will, Mr. Berry. I'll email that link for you if you want to hear. I..." _Do I - Should I tell him I - _He swallowed and shrugged at the empty room. "I kind of wrote the one called Untitled for her."

Will raised a brow. "I'll definitely check it out, Noah." He whispered in Dan's ear. "He wrote her a song."

"He wrote her a - what is this, a John Hughes movie? Tell him to email it tonight!" Dan snuggled in to listen on the other side of the phone.

"Send it over tonight if you'd like." Will glared at his husband, rolling his eyes. "And seriously, don't lose faith. Be in touch if you need to, and our best to Ilana."

"Thanks, Mr. Berry. I'll pass that along. And, uh..." He cleared his throat. _She said hello, she knew it was me._ "Tell Rachel I said hi, and that I hope she has a good summer."

"I will, Noah. Good luck. And don't forget that link."

_She said hello. _Noah ran up the stairs to the bedroom, turning his computer on and logging in. "I won't. Thanks. Good night."

"Good night, Noah."

* * *

"So what gives? I _told _you I was going to be here tonight, why didn't you call me?" Lori shook her head. "We could've sat together. I thought you said you were going to stay home and have a night with -"

"I was pondering it and then Noah called." Rachel pursed her lips. _Impeccable timing as always._ "I had to get out, all right? And I didn't want to call you because I had a feeling I would leave early, as I just did, and frankly, I'm disgusted that I did. I know better, but I couldn't _stand_ that drivel, Lor, it was -"

Lori smirked. "Told you so. You're not the only one who knows what they're talking about when it come to theater, Ms. 'I've been to every recital in everything at Juilliard'." She poked Rachel in the shoulder. "Wanna wait for me and go to Jamba Juice or something?"

"You and Sam aren't on a date? I don't want to disrupt your evening, Lori." Rachel frowned briefly. _But I don't want to go home..._

"I told you, he lost points for not coming after me. I think he just wanted to get out, I don't even know if he thinks we're on a date. Besides, I could really go for a Jamba Juice. Gimme ten minutes. Call home, let them know you'll be home later." Lori turned back to the auditorium. "And next time? Just call me. I don't care about walking out, obviously." She tossed a wave behind her.

_Where in the world did she come from? _Shaking her head, Rachel pulled out her cell phone and dialed her father's number. _At least I know he'll pick up._

* * *

Will and Dan huddled around the computer. "This is crazy, you know."

Dan slapped at his husband's hand, clicking 'refresh' again. "The boy who broke our daughter's heart wrong a song about it? What's crazy about wanting to hear it? It's like...like a Nicholas Sparks novel or something. Though - bad analogy. I don't want it ending in someone dying or having Alzheimer's or -"

"All right, I get the point, honey. And I - oh!" Will grabbed the mouse and opened the new email. "Oh, that's not it."

_"I am calling you..." _Rachel's voice sang from Will's abandoned cell phone.

Dan answered quickly, waving Will to refresh the page. "Hi, honey, how are you?"

"Dad?" Rachel frowned quickly. "I thought I called Daddy's phone?" _You don't often answer it, even for me._

"You did, sweetheart. Your father and I are just sitting on the couch, I was closer to his phone." Pointing urgently at the screen, Dan waved at the email from Noah. "How are you? How was the show?"

"Oh, the show was _hideous,_ Dad," she murmured. _Lori wasn't joking._ "I bumped into Lori though, and we're going to go to Jamba Juice. I'll be home a little later."

"Sounds good, pumpkin, and glad you ran into her. Just unwind, okay?"

Rachel smiled, rolling her eyes. _As expected. _"Daddy didn't tell you he gave the speech already today? Your turn is _tomorrow,_ Dad, but I'll just credit it and neither of you has to say anything, how's that?"

Dan grinned. "Honey, you know it's because we love you."

"I know, Dad, and I greatly and deeply appreciate it," she replied. _I do, believe it or not. _"It's unnecessary. It's not like I'm doing anything unhealthy. I'm just very interested in my craft right now."

"Uh-huh. So you go to the show that Lori was complaining about having anything to do with." Dan shook his head. "I spoke to Lori when she called today. She told me about it. Sounds like a great way to develop your craft. How to be a sucky actor or playwright?"

"Dad!" Rachel ran a hand through her hair. _Everyone's a critic. Including me. Ugh. _"Either way, I'll be home later and I love you both."

"Love you too, Rach, sorry to be a pain. We'll see you in the morning." Dan hung up hurriedly. "That's him!"

Will gnawed on a fingernail. "I know." He opened the link in a new tab, pausing to let it load. "This should be interesting..."

* * *

Lori waved as the group scattered, joining Rachel to sit on the brick border next to the building. "Hey. Jamba Juice?"

"Yes, that sounds lovely." She leaned her head on Lori's shoulder. "Do they have an add-in to erase melancholy thoughts?" _I would like a gallon of it, please. This is why I don't sit._

Laughing, Lori stroked her hair. "Don't think so. I think those add-ins are for the over-21 set."

**Red cup in hand, his eyes on hers. Connor handing her a margarita.** **Two bottles of wine, filled with unpleasant truths.**

"I think I can skip those, for a while." Rachel closed her eyes, shaking her head. _Nothing good has come of it._ "A long, long while."

* * *

Noah exhaled heavily and stood, grabbing the letter and tearing it to pieces over the garbage can. _Attempt one: fail. Back to the drawing board. _He pulled the sheet music from the drawer, shoving them into the expanding file folder in his closet. _I can't believe I sent Will the link._

"Oh, shit." Rubbing his hands over his head, he clicked the link. _You know what you said. You practiced enough._

His recorded self cleared his throat. "My name is Noah Puckerman, and I'm applying for the Bachelor's in Music Composition at NYU. My N number is -"

_Well that's just fucking great. _He clicked it off, dropping his head to the desk.

* * *

_"...so princess I'll see you  
__somewhere inside  
__this is the last time  
__and you look so beautiful_

_No, I won't let go _  
_out on your road _  
_so violently _  
_but I still believe_  
_time passes slow _  
_just let her be_  
_just let her go..."_

Will met Dan's gaze over his shoulder. "That was - if that was for Rachel -"

Dan bit his lip, running a hand over his head. "I know. He's such a mess, isn't he?"

Will nodded. "Absolutely. Every phone call. And now, knowing that? It totally explains how depressed he sounded." Will spun in the computer chair, shaking his head as he stood and wrapped his arms around Dan. "He's trying to get here."

* * *

Lori dragged her up. "Come on, time to sugar your troubles away."

Rachel took a deep breath, standing. "Will that solution apply all year long? Sugaring myself?" _Diabetes, here I come. _

Hooking an arm through Rachel's, Lori thoughtfully tilted her head. "Well, no. You're pretty high strung on a good day. You just seem in a funk right now. Hence, sugar. But on a regular basis? I think it'd be dangerous. Like coffee." She guided them down the block. "So how about you stop expecting to be miserable, stop avoiding me and your dads, and start living? High school is gone, Rach. Let it go."

Rachel opened the door to the smoothie shop, making a face at her friend. _I'm enjoying myself!_ "I am not -"

"- a good liar. Rach, it's obvious, okay? I don't even need to be your dad. You're gonna run yourself down. Just be careful." Lori pecked her on the cheek as she went by. "You really don't have to be as hard on yourself as you're being. Shit didn't work out. It happens. You need to take care of yourself, though, Puck and Connor are just fine. Don't beat yourself up over it, it's not worth it. Just join the world of the living, okay?"

"Of course I will, Lori, don't be silly. I wouldn't do that to myself. I would never put myself in a situation to compromise my career." _I am living. I _am. Rachel turned to the clerk. "Acai with wheatgrass, thank you, medium sized." She blew out a breath. "I'm sorry to worry you, Lori, but I assure you, I'm fine. This year will be different, I'll put myself out there. I will."

* * *

Noah chewed his lower lip, staring down at the phone. _Should I call? Do I say something? Shit. _He sat back at the computer, opening his email. _They may not even have watched it yet. They may not watch it at all. Fuck if I know. _Hitting "reply all", he exhaled and typed.

**Please, don't say anything to Rachel. I don't want her hopes up if it turns out I don't make it. **_That's if she'd actually want me anywhere around._ "Fuck it," he muttered, and hit send, turning away quickly. _What a fucking mess._

Will looked at Dan as the mail alert sounded. "Should I get that?"

Dan shrugged, dropping his arms. "Go for it, but then let's just open a bottle of wine and watch America's Sweethearts. I'm spent."

Laughing, Will sat and moved the mouse to turn on the screen. "Oh - Dan, it's from Noah again."

Dan rested his chin on Will's shoulder to read. "Oh, honey..."

Will sighed, shrugging Dan off his shoulder, and typed.

Noah looked up from the guitar as his laptop beeped. His heart sped up as he crossed the room to check it. _Well, shit. _He rubbed a hand over his mouth. _Shit._

Dan trailed Will from the room. "Sweetheart, what did you say?"

Will glanced back over his shoulder with a small smile. "I told him good luck."

* * *

_**December**_

"I know, Lori, but I have the recital tonight with the chamber singers." _That is far superior to yet another attempt at match-making. _Rachel clutched her scarf tighter as she walked.

"Rach! You knew we were trying to make plans for Friday." Lori ran a hand through her hair. "And this guy is really nice, I swear. He's seen you at the master classes and -"

"Lor, no, you know I don't date anyone who says they've seen me perform and they want to get to know me." Rachel pursed her lips. _I don't quite trust them. Understandably so, based on my history._

"Rach, you don't date _anybody. _You're a performing machine, and it's not good. You know it's not, you said before the semester started that you wouldn't do this!" She groaned into the phone. "Go, sing, perform, escape. But I'm coming over later and we're going to talk!"

Rachel shook her head. _No, we're not. _"It's a Friday night, Lori, I am not in need of you disrupting your date. I'm sorry, but we'll have to catch up some other time, all right?" _Like when you stop trying to set me up. _"I must go. Give Connor my best."

Lori's voice was muffled as she talked to her boyfriend. "Yes, you were right. All right, yes, good thing." She turned her attention back to Rachel. "He knew you weren't going to say yes, so he told Aaron we'd call him and let him know the details. Good thing." The last two words were pointedly sarcastic.

_They're doing just fine. _Rachel smiled. "You two are adorable."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Tell me that when he's annoying the shit out of me. I don't know how you survived."

"I was quite firmly in the drivers seat. I honestly don't think we managed to have a real relationship, it merely appeared we did." _As with most everything in my life, Shakespeare applies - full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. _Rachel blew into her hands. "Lor, I'm here, I must go."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm still gonna try to catch you later. Have fun, Rach, will you?" She gave an exasperated sigh, turning back towards Connor.

"This _is _fun, Lori, just because I spend my time performing doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying myself, I assure you. I'm in New York City - it's what I came here to do." Opening the door, she closed her eyes. _Heat, glorious, glorious heat..._"Though I believe New York has utterly ruined my capacity for cold."

"I still don't get how you wore those skirts in the dead of winter. Really, Rach?" Lori's tone was bemused.

**Puck waiting at her locker, hot cocoa and a smile. **_**"Need to warm up. You remember the cure for hypothermia, don't you?" **_**Tossing her books in the locker, grabbing her waist in icy hands to lead her off.**

Rachel shook herself. _Stop it. _"I wore tights and the maintenance crew were very good about plowing the paths. Unlike the city, we didn't shut down when it snowed." _We only shut down _emotionally _in Lima. _She waved as the director walked by. "In any event -"

"I know, I know. Go. I should've known," Lori huffed. "Next time I'll just consult your calendar of events on the website. If it's possible you could be in it, I'm just gonna have to assume you are."

Rachel rolled her eyes. _Oh, honestly..._"Lori, you're being melodramatic. It's not _everything_." _They told me I had to prioritize, since there are only limited slots alloted._

Lori smirked as she replied. "Right, because they won't let you. But honey, when people from _my _school know you? Come on, that's pretty crazy. You've been to as many master classes with me as -"

"As you've been to with me!" Rachel protested. _Being known amongst my peers isn't wrong!_ "It just so happens that I'm a bit more vocal than most in that setting."

"Honey, you ask more questions than the moderator. Whatever, go sing." Lori hung up with a sigh.

Connor rubbed her shoulders. "You knew this was probably going to happen, Lori. You can't pretend to be surprised."

She tipped her head back with a smile. "Yeah, I know. I just really wanted to be wrong." Pursing her lips, she grumbled, "I still think if Aaron were _here_ -"

"Seriously, Lor? Come on, you know she won't listen to anyone. She would've made her apologies, been annoyed at you for meddling, and done exactly as she's doing now. You know that as well as I do."

"But I'm out of ideas, Connor, I want her better, but I don't know what else to do!" She pouted at her boyfriend.

"Which is why Will keeps saying to stop pushing. There's nothing to be gained, babe. She knows you love her and you want what's best for her." He shook his head. "Other than that, you're not getting from her yet."

"Ugh. Fine. I get it. But I don't have to like it!" She turned in his arms. "I just don't want to watch her fall apart."

Connor raised a brow. "Um, in case you haven't noticed? She's not falling apart. That would require stillness. She's not letting herself be idle."

"Okay, _fine, _I hate knowing that the first time she stops, _really_ stops, she's gonna crumble. Better?" She raised a brow sarcastically.

"More precise." He kissed her. "Come on, I'm still worth your time, right?"

"Eh, maybe. I think I'll keep you." She leaned up to peck him on the lips. "Let me just call Will and Dan and let them know I couldn't get her. Not like they'll be shocked." She slipped from his arms and dialed quickly.

Will shook his head as his phone rang. "Well, at least I know it's not Noah, right?"

Dan grinned and passed him the cell. "Oh, it's Lori. I knew it. Rachel wouldn't go."

"Hey Lori, guessing you lost her to the chamber singers?" Will sighed, rolling his eyes.

Lori laughed. "Yeah. I think I'm the only one who thought I even had a chance." She rubbed a hand over her forehead. "Is she _ever_ gonna slow down?"

Will put his feet up on the couch and laid his head back. "I haven't seen her like this since Jesse broke up with her. She just kept going and going until she and Noah..."

"Oh." Lori bit her lip. "Well, that doesn't sound like a good idea here."

Chuckling, Will nodded. "No, not at all. It's probably the most relaxed I've seen her, but highly unlikely to work in this scenario."

"Too bad he couldn't just up and move here. You know he loves her, even if he doesn't really get it yet." Lori chewed the inside of her cheek.

"Oh, I think he gets it now. It's just a matter of what he can do about it. Unfortunately the reality is picking up and moving to New York City like we did is the exception, not the rule." Will took Dan's hand. "He can't afford to move, he's got school and work and his family. Rachel needs to be okay by herself anyway. Anything else would be a disaster for her."

"I know, I know. Just can't help but wish it could be otherwise, seeing her like this." Lori shook her head. "Anyway, gotta go."

"No problem. Tell Connor hello from us, and we'll hopefully see you soon." Will squeezed his husband's hand.

"Thanks, Will. Talk to you later." Lori hung up, scrunching her mouth thoughtfully. "I wonder..."

"Those are dangerous words," Connor replied, slipping his arm around her waist. "You say 'I wonder' and I hear 'I want to get into trouble'."

Lori stuck her tongue out at her boyfriend. "I was just trying to think of ways to get Rachel to stop and just _be_, okay? That's all. What makes you think it's trouble?"

Rolling his eyes, Connor steered them towards the movie theater. "Because it's _always _trouble with you - you just can't help yourself."

"She's my best friend, Connor, I have to try. Anyway, whatever, I'll do it later. Let's go find a dark corner to canoodle." She waggled her eyebrows at him suggestively.

"I love your vocabulary," he teased. Printing their tickets from the kiosk, he led them into the theater.

* * *

_I shouldn't have done this recital._ Rachel plastered on a smile as the accompanist gave them the opening chord. _I hate this piece. I really do. I just can't stand it._ Nodding, she drew a deliberate breath, cueing the rest of the women's chorus to do the same before she started to sing.

_"Rushing and racing_  
_and running in circles_  
_Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose_  
_Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning_  
_Getting nowhere..."_

She cast a suspicious look at the director. _Damn Jacobsen. She think I'm doing too much, I wouldn't put it past her to do this deliberately..._Rachel smiled at her ensemble, inhaling to signal the next verse. _But she's wrong. I'm fine. I'm just very active. And there's nothing wrong with that._

_"My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic_  
_Pace of the world_  
_I just wish I could stop it_  
_Try to appear like I've got it together_  
_I'm falling apart..."_

_Nothing at all. I like to stay occupied_ _and involved._ A quick frown crossed her face. _A little flat, Michelle. _She smoothed the frown away, making eye contact with each member of the group before the chorus.

_"Save me_  
_Somebody take my hand, and lead me_  
_Slow me down_  
_Don't let love pass me by_  
_Just show me how..." _

Rachel swept her left arm out, gesturing towards the audience with the ensemble. _J doesn't understand, neither does Lori. And Dad and Daddy always worry. But I'm fine. I _am_. They just don't see it, they expect me to be distraught, broken. _

_"Sometimes I fear that I might disappear_  
_In the blur of fast forward I falter again_  
_Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep_  
_I'm getting nowhere..."_

_But I'm fine. _She looked out into the crowd as the song neared its end.

_"Don't let me live a lie_  
_Before my life flies by_  
_I need you to slow me down..."_

_**"Breathe, Rach, let it go..." **_**His mouth on her, his hands everywhere. **_**"C'mon, Rach, trust me, let go..."**_

She shook herself. _No. Stop it. Do not think about him._

_"The noise of the world is getting me caught up_  
_Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it_  
_Just need to breathe, somebody please -_  
_Slow me down..." _

Rachel closed her eyes, their voices drifting to silence. As the thunder of clapping hands reached her, she opened her eyes, smiling. _Why would I want to slow down? This is all I need. _She took a slow, deep breath, filling her ears with the sound of their adoration. _Just this._

* * *

Noah tapped the eraser against his forehead, staring at the dots on the staff paper. _This isn't right. Something's...fuck, I don't know, something's not sounding right. _He hummed the bar to himself, changing a couple of notes before trying it again. "Maybe a different key?" he muttered.

"Couldn't hurt," Mr. Schuester said, looking over his shoulder. "Want me on the rhythm line?"

"Actually..." Noah handed him the sheet music. _Crazy as this might seem.._."How's your ukulele?"

Shooting him a disbelieving glance, Mr. Schue looked down at his score. "Ukulele, okay." He grabbed the instrument from his office, taking a seat at the music stand and starting to strum.

_That sounds right. _Nodding, Noah licked his lips and sang.

_"Such is the way of the world,  
__You can never know  
__Just where to put all your faith  
__And how will it grow..  
__Gonna rise up  
__Burning black holes in dark memories...  
__Gonna rise up  
__Turning mistakes into gold..."_

"What is that?" Will broke off, shaking his head. "I hear -"

_"New Yoooorrrrk, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you caaaan't dooo..."_

"What the - 'scuse me." _That ringtone. I only gave it to one person. _Puck lunged for his backpack, ripping the cell from the pocket. "Hello?"

"Puck? Did I catch you at a bad time?" Lori waved goodnight at Connor from her window.

_Shit, it _is _her. _He pounded a fist into his forehead. "Two minutes. Call you right back." Hanging up, he turned to Mr. Schue. _What the fuck is Rachel's best friend doing calling me? _"Um, can we maybe pick this up next week? I really need to take this call." _I thought _I _was supposed to call _her _if I needed anything. _

"Uh, sure, Puck. Let me know what works, I think we said Thursday." Standing, Will started straightening the room. "Have a good night, hope everything's okay."

"Yeah, me too," Noah muttered, hand clenching around his phone. "Me too." _It fucking _has _to be._

* * *

"Thank you!" Rachel beamed at the audience, Ms. Jacobsen nodding at her. _This is always all I need..._"Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, this is a progressive chamber ensemble, which means we're working on modern pieces with a classic feel. In that vein, allow the men to show you Sting, as a men's four part harmony."

Soft guitar echoed from the back of the stage as the performers took their places.

_Good luck topping us, gentlemen. _She took her place in the front row, folding her arms as the drum softly kicked in. _They're actually talented. _She looked around the crowd, seeing them watching raptly. _And the fact that they arranged this by ear is impressive..._The drummer looked directly at her with a smile as the guitarist sang.

_"And those who speak know nothing  
__And find out to their cost  
__That those who curse their luck in too many places,  
__And those who fear, are lost..."_

Rachel frowned and blushed under his gaze, turning her eyes from the stage. _Damn it, Cory, no. No drummers, no guitarists, no musicians, no boys. No._

* * *

_Something is up with Rachel._ He lightly jogged to the truck, hopping in and hitting redial before he turned the engine on. _Gotta warm up the car anyway._

Lori snatched her cell from her nightstand. "Hello?"

_You're on, Puckerman. _He took a deep breath and spoke. "Um, hi, it's, uh, it's Noah, is this -"

Lori grinned and shook her head. "Noah, sorry, I called you Puck earlier. I shouldn't have assumed. And I have to say I'm impressed."

_Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have - what the fuck is wrong with me, I have to just - _He cleared his throat. "Yeah, no, whatever, it's cool, it doesn't matter, whatever. Forget it."

"Actually, I won't. I like it, and if there's ever a way to let her know, I will. That's actually what I'm calling about." She threw herself down on her bed. "Rach is running herself into the ground and I don't know what to do about it."

"You don't - did you talk to Will and Dan? I -" _Shit, Puckerman. _"I haven't called in a while, I've emailed and Will said -" _He said she was fine..._"I didn't - I had no idea she was -" _He meant _Rachel _fine. _He pounded his head against the steering wheel. _She's supposed to be okay, damn it._

"Noah! Relax." Lori pinched the bridge of her nose. "Geez, you really _are _a mess. Maybe you're not qualified to help here."

He glared at the phone. _No fucking way. You can't just tell me she's a wreck. _"How bad is she?" _The only way this works is if she's okay..._

"Will said he hadn't seen her this way since Jesse, which is how I ended up thinking of you. _You're _what got her out." She paused to let that declaration penetrate. "And I know Rach. It wasn't just the physical that soothed her. I wanted to find out what you did _emotionally _that helped."

"Emotionally?" _What is going on with you, Rachel? _"Um, I think mostly I just let her talk. Nothing special."

"Damn it. She won't stay _still _long enough to talk about anything. That's the problem. She just bounces from one thing to the next and won't stop to breathe. If she does, she's gonna break. I want to at least soften the blow."

"What the fuck is going on? She's _still _running herself down? I heard that from Will and Dan in the summer - and that's after a whole freshman year of that shit. How can no one reach her?" Noah clenched a hand around the steering wheel. _A year like this, Rachel?_

Lori rolled her eyes. "Believe me, it's not for lack of trying! She's joined every ensemble on campus, has gotten a schedule of all the performances at mine, joined community choirs, is giving voice lessons and _still_ works the Prom. Then there's school. And when she's home? She's doing work or practicing something or other. I mean, she stops to eat, but she won't let herself be still and thoughtful."

"That's the fucking antithesis of Rachel," he grumbled. _She always saw too clearly, thought too much..._

"Nice word choice! That's it exactly. Why do you think I actually called you? None of us can get through. We've all tried and she just brushes us off. Smiles and laughs and says she's fine."

"Like she did all through high school. Shit." He looked at the building, shaking his head. _This is bad. Seriously bad._

"Exactly. Anything? Even just to piss her off, something? I just can't take it anymore. I'm watching her push herself harder and harder and I know, we can all see, that she's setting herself up. We just can't get her to stop." Lori rubbed her forehead.

Noah ran his hand over the back of his head. _Fuck, Puckerman. You couldn't just get into_ _the damn program. _"The more you push, the worse she gets, right?"

"Yup. All, 'I'm fine, don't worry,' blah blah blah. I don't buy it."

"You shouldn't. It's a crock of shit." _Not like she wants to hear it. _Sighing, he leaned back. "Would _I_ stop her, you think?"

* * *

Rachel clapped as the men finished their piece, smiling as she and the women's ensemble joined them. _And here we go again..._She blew out a breath as she took Cory's hands for the next piece. _Please, just stop trying..._

Cory rubbed his thumbs over the backs of her hands as he began to sing.

* * *

"What? _You?_ No. Bad idea." Lori made a face at her phone. "Really bad idea."

"Why?" He sat up straighter. _It sounds fucking perfect to me. _"You called me looking for help. Well, I can be the one to stop her. I'll call her right now."

"I don't - I'm just -" Lori took a breath. "Look, Noah, you're kind of the reason she's a mess. She's trying to outrun you and Connor. Hearing from you would definitely stop her, but it might just break her."

"Isn't that kind of what you want? Better to break her now than later?" _Not like I want to break her at all, damn it. _Noah squeezed his eyes shut. _Apparently I already did that..._

"I - I don't - Well, shit. I didn't think this through, did I. I wanted thoughts on what _I _could do - I wasn't trying to get _you _to do something." Lori pressed her palms to her eyes.

"You can't expect me _not _to do anything!" Noah ran a hand over his face. "I did that for too fucking long," he muttered. _And look where we ended up._

Lori groaned, rolling to bury her face in her mattress. "Connor was right, this _is _trouble."

He glanced at the clock in the dash. "You want my help? You've got it. Just not in the way you were thinking. I'll leave you out of it, I swear. And if she's so busy, she might not even pick up." _Or she might not pick up for _me. "But I can't just let her burn herself out, especially not because of me." He blew out a breath. "I'm not worth it."

"Oh, give me a break, I'm not doing this with you. Call Will for a pep talk." Lori sat up and shook her head. "I just - Fuck, be careful, all right? Please just be careful with her."

A bitter laugh escaped him. "You don't need to tell me. I already fucked it up." _Shit, why couldn't I get in the first time? _He looked around the parking lot and exhaled. "Believe me, I'm not trying to hurt her again."

* * *

_I must be hallucinating, but I am so convinced J picked these songs for me..._Rachel drew a breath, looking earnestly into Cory's eyes.

_"And I know much more than I did back then,_  
_But the more I learn,_  
_The more I can't understand..."_

Cory met her gaze with a smile, taking his half of the verse and squeezing her hands.

_"And I've become content with this life that I lead,_  
_Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything,_  
_And I lie to myself,_  
_And say it's for the best..."_

Rachel let Cory go with a sigh of relief, threading through the line of men with the rest of the women do-si-do style for the chorus. _Just focus on your performance._

_"We're moving forward,_  
_But holding ourselves back,_  
_And we're waiting on something that will never come..."_

The piano faded, the ensemble ending with their backs to each other.

Tricia Jacobsen stood to face the audience, smiling. "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. We have one more piece for you, and I hope it reminds you all to take time every day to stop, and breathe, and live." Turning to her ensemble, she raised her brows at Rachel, gesturing her and the rest forward.

_All right, perhaps my intuition _is_ correct..._Rachel bit back a sigh as the director cued the pianist, lining up with the rest of the ensemble at the front of the stage.

_"Five hundred twenty-five thousand_  
_Six hundred minutes,_  
_Five hundred twenty-five thousand_  
_Moments so dear._  
_Five hundred twenty-five thousand_  
_Six hundred minutes_  
_How do you measure, measure a year?"_

* * *

"Yeah, I know you're not _trying, _Noah, but the fact is you weren't trying back then either, and you still managed to rip her heart out. The two of you just don't -"

"No, see, that's the problem. We _do. _We _do _work, and if I hadn't been too much of an asshole to see that sooner? We'd be fucking _phenomenal_. But I was an ass, and she was too good and let me go. I don't know what the fuck else to say, I'm trying here, but I'm not going to fuck this up and I'm not letting her kill herself like this over me. I'm not." He shook his head. "It's been great talking to you, Lori, but I gotta go." _I have to do something. I can't just sit back and hope she's okay. I can't._

Lori opened and closed her mouth, struggling for words. "Well, shit. Could you call me back and let me know what happens, so I'm prepared?"

He nodded, turning on the truck. _I'm not having this conversation here. _"You're probably not going to hear from me for a while. I'm gonna try my damndest to reach her." _Yeah, if she even wants to hear from you. _

"That's fair. When you can." Lori paused. "And, um...thanks."

"No need to thank me. Trust me." _I've got a hell of a lot of shit to make up for. _"I just want her to be okay."

"We all do, Noah. That's why I reached out to you - I'm desperate. Nothing is getting through. And I can't stand by and wait for the breakdown. I can't. I love her too much to do that."

"Same here," he said quietly. "Catch you later." Hanging up, he pulled out of the parking lot. _Get my ass home, lock myself in the bedroom, and make a phone call..._

* * *

Rachel let out a breath, looking out at the audience as they dispersed. _Regardless of the song selections, this was a worthwhile venture. _She headed back into the dressing rooms.

"Rachel?" Cory called after her. "Hey, do you wanna grab dinner or something? I'm starving, maybe we could grab Mamoun's?"

She looked around. "Oh, is everyone going?" Rachel reached in for her cell phone, turning it back to ring. "I would love some sort of ensemble bonding activity." _Please, Cory, I've had this conversation with you already. _

"Uh, no, I, um, I was hoping it could be just us." He shrugged sheepishly, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I was hoping maybe we could spend some time together, I could get to know you better. You're always so busy."

_What is it with everyone? _"I like to be involved, and I take my career very seriously. If that results in my being socially inaccessible, it's a risk I'm willing to take in pursuit of my future." She set her mouth firmly. _I knew he didn't take me seriously. _"And I've said I'm really not looking for romance, Cory, I'm very sorry but -"

"Who said it had to be romantic? I mean, yeah, I would love it to be - singing lead with you is like, amazing - but -"

"Cory, I simply cannot and will not risk it, knowing you have any amorous intentions," she interjected. _I won't make that mistake again._ "I am not in any place to entertain such notions. I truly am sorry, but I refuse to chance you becoming more attached than -"

"Rachel, I'm an adult, all right? I can handle it, I -"

**_"Ohhhhhhh, sweet Caroline..."_**

_What in the world? _Hands shaking, Rachel reached into her bag, blinking in confusion. _Why would - what does he - _"Cory, I -" She stared at the cell display. _I'm not imaging things. He's calling. He's calling me. _She looked up at Cory's expectant face and down at the number on her phone. "I -" _I can't. _Forcing a smile, she hit the ignore button. "I shouldn't make decisions for you. Let's go get dinner." _Why would he - _"But how about Whole Foods, if you don't mind? I'm in the mood for a Jamba Juice and their salad bar." _Plus it's noisy, so we won't talk about anything too significant_ _and then I just go home. Practice, bed. Routine. _She glanced down at the cell in her palm with a frown before switching it to vibrate and dropping it back into her bag.

"Yeah, great! That's fine! Let's - are you ready now?" Cory beamed at her, holding out a hand.

She wrapped both of her hands around her bag, nodding and preceding him to the door. "Yes, I am." _Better the devil I _don't _know, in this instance..._

* * *

_Well, shit. You knew that was a possibility. _He listened to her overly cheerful message with a frown, strumming his guitar, and hung up. _Though voicemail..._

* * *

Rachel placed her tray on the table with a quick smile at Cory. "I'm just going to get my Jamba Juice, I'll be right back." She walked to the center of the floor, reaching into her bag for her wallet. _What is - ringing again? _She flipped the phone up to see. _No. Not picking up. Not now._

* * *

_Okay, she's not answering. _He hung up the phone, tossing it onto the bed and resting the guitar on his hip. _Fine. I try again in a bit. Lemme do something productive. _He picked out a melody, closing his eyes.

* * *

Rachel sipped the last of her smoothie, pushing her tray to the side. _Time to end this before he gets attached. _"Well, that was lovely, Cory, thank you for the company. Unfortunately, I must return home - my schedule tomorrow is relentless."

Shaking his head, Cory slid from the booth, grabbing her tray. "That's your schedule _every _day, Rachel. I did actually enjoy myself just then. I wish you had too."

_How have I still managed to hurt him? _Rachel shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Cory -"

"No, it's okay. You warned me, I get it. You're not ready. But hey, if you are? Call me. I know you have the phone list." He dropped a awkward kiss on her cheek. "Good night, Rachel."

"G-good night, Cory." Rachel bit her lip, feeling her phone vibrate again. _I'm not looking._

* * *

_Do I even say anything? Do I need to? Will she get it?_

_"...at the tone." _Rachel's voice cut off, the beep coming quickly after.

Clearing his throat, Noah started picking the melody he'd formulated earlier. _It's Rachel. She'll get it. _He took a breath and started to sing.

_"If I could trace the lines that ran_  
_Between your smile and your sleight of hand_  
_I would guess that you put something up my sleeve_  
_Now every time I see your face the bells ring in a far-off place_  
_We can find each other this way I believe..."_

* * *

She traced the outline of her phone through the fabric of her bag. _Do I want to check it? Did he leave a message?_ She shook her head, going into the subway. _Now I won't have the option. The local train, please._ She swiped through and took her seat with a sigh. _Why would he call me? _Rachel watched the stations pass, twirling her phone between her fingers. _Do I want to know? _She closed her eyes, shaking her head. _You have no idea. You won't have any idea for at least another fifteen minutes. So _stop it.

* * *

Noah closed his eyes as he played. _I hope you listen, Rach - _really _listen..._

_"Though I'm here in this far off place_  
_My air is not this time and space_  
_I draw you close with every breath._  
_You don't know it's right until it's wrong_  
_You don't know it's yours until it's gone_  
_I didn't know that it was home 'til you up and left._

_Come and find me now..."_

* * *

Rachel took the stairs at a slow jog. _I just want to get into air conditioning faster. That's all. _As she reached the lobby of her building, she pulled her cell phone from her bag. _One new message. An actual message. From Noah. To me. _Swallowing hard, she sat in one of the chairs outside the elevators. _Now or never._

* * *

"You...what?" Lori blinked, perplexed. "You...wrote a song on her voicemail."

"Well, not exactly, but kinda yeah. I, um, I wrote one in between attempted calls. And left it on her voicemail." _That's not crazy, is it? _Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck awkwardly, he laughed. "I seem to do better that way than trying to talk."

Lori shook her head. "I'll be expecting a tearful phone call then. You really know how to get to Rachel, Noah. Don't think that you don't." She checked for her keys and her wallet, turning on the television. "I may as well stay awake, there's no telling what time she'll check."

A half-smile curved his lips. _If I still know her..._"If she's not a complete mess? She'll check tonight. And sooner. She might delay a little bit, but not for long." He finished the last notation on the staff paper, his face falling. "And hopefully it'll help, one way or another." _You _have _to hang in, Rach, you have to..._

"Noah, I guarantee you this - hearing from you? She'll have a reaction. And especially to a song." Lori sighed. "You really did work, jackass."

"Yeah, no shit. I'm trying to fix that," he muttered, adding the song to his portfolio. _That's the fucking problem._

"What was that last bit?" Brows furrowed, Lori plugged her other ear with her finger. "Did I miss something?"

"Nothing." _Watch you fucking mouth, Puckerman!_ "Listen, just...just take care of her. Please."

"Noah, I told you - you don't have to ask me." Smiling at the phone, she added, "And I know I don't have to ask you."

Noah gazed at the picture taped to the inside cover of the folder. "Not for her." _And I wish I'd gotten that sooner._

* * *

_"I keep you in a flower vase  
__With your fatalism and your crooked face  
__With the daisies and the violet brocades  
_

_And I keep me in a vacant lot  
__In the ivy and forget-me-nots  
__Hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days_.

_Come and find me now..."_

Rachel sat motionless. _He - what in the - just a song, on my voicemail? No - no _talking_, no explanation, just...a song? And not only that, but a song about _finding him? _Has he gone mad? _Furiously blinking back tears, she stood and headed upstairs to the apartment.

"Rachel? Is that you?" Dan poked his head out from the den. "Is everything all right?"

"Fine, Dad. It's just fine." She plastered a smile on as she passed. "Tired. Going to bed, I think. I might call Lori over. Not sure yet." _Not sure of anything._

"Um, sure, honey, that's fine. Have a good night." Dan raised a brow as Will entered the room. "Something's up."

"Something's up," Will agreed, nodding. "Sit back, wait it out."

"You think something happened at the performance?" Dan asked in a hush.

"I have no clue."

* * *

Rachel paced the room. _Come and find you - are you insane? After all of this, after everything. Come and find you? _She brushed furiously at her cheeks. _Find you. In Lima. Where everything in my life was a joke, just a fleeting moment of happiness before I was crushed again. Why would I go back to that? Come and find you. No. You will not do this to me. I refuse._ She dried the tears from her cheeks. _You will not. I am not going back, and you said I belonged here. Come find _me _if you want, but I will not regress. I'm never setting foot in that town again, not until I am the star I was born to be. Come and find me, how _dare _you? _You _drove me away, _you _ruined everything._ Gritting her teeth, she crossed to the window, gazing at the city. _This is home. And no one had to leave me behind for me to figure it out._

* * *

Noah looked at the display on his cell phone. _Midnight. You didn't actually expect her to call you, Puckerman. After all that shit, you can't expect that._ He put the phone back on his nightstand, looking out the window. _She already tried. Now it's your turn to do the work. _Picking up his portfolio, he flipped through the pieces he'd written in the months since he was rejected. _And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm doing good in my classes, and writing like a fiend._

_I'm gonna get back to you, Rach. Just you wait._

* * *

**Musical notes, in order of appearance:**

_**Noah's song for Rachel: Untitled, Jericho  
**__**Women's ensemble: Slow Me Down, Emmy Rossum  
**__**Song Noah and Mr. Schue are working on: Rise, Eddie Vedder  
**__**Men's ensemble: Shape of My Heart, Sting  
**__**Full chamber ensemble: It's for the Best, Straylight Run; Seasons of Love, Rent  
**__**Noah's song on Rachel's voicemail: Come and Find Me, Josh Ritter**_

So? Good, bad, more? Make de clickie? ;) Thank you!


	10. Steel Train Touch

_Suggested listening: Breathe Me, Sia; Thousand Mile Wish, Finger Eleven; What I Wouldn't Give, Holly Brook; Where I Stood, Missy Higgins; Slow Moves, Jose Gonzalez; Ghost, Indigo Girls; Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons; Basket Case, Sara Bareilles _

_**A.N.: **__To all those who realize that I'm trying to tell real life stories with these characters we love – thank you. And I hope you enjoy._

* * *

**Chapter 9 – ****Steel Train Touch**

_Do I? _Rachel looked down at the phone in her clenched fist. _Come and find you._ She continued to pace the length of her room. _Do I really want to listen again? Nothing is going to change after the fourth time, Rachel. _She ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head. _Why? Why now?_ She stopped in the middle of the floor, closing her eyes and pressing a fist to her forehead even as she replayed the message. _Noah..._She massaged her temples with one hand as she listened to him sing, her eyes burning. _Rachel, stop it! _Catching her breath, Rachel ended the call, dialing Lori's number with shaking fingers. _Damn _him _and_ _damn _you _for listening over and over again..._

"Hello?" Lori snatched up her cell phone, glancing at the clock. "Hey, what -" She cleared her throat. "What happened? I figured I'd hear from you like, an hour ago."

"I, um...I -" _changed into my pajamas and then__ spent the last two hours listening to a song on repeat and trying not to lose my mind._ Rachel swallowed. "I came back to a voicemail from - from Noah." _Who apparently didn't lose my number._

"To a what?" Lori took a deep breath, bracing herself.

"He left me a message, Lor, a...he sang me a _song_. I don't recognize it. I...actually, I think he _wrote _it." _The feel of it, the fact that he left it on my voicemail tells me it's him...but why now? _Rachel frowned out her window. "What I don't understand is what made him call me? He's _had _my number." _And why didn't you change it, Rachel?_ She picked an invisible thread from her dress. "He - so far as I know, my father hasn't spoken to him lately, so he called without authorization, despite his previous agreement." She closed her eyes against the fluttering in her stomach. _Why, Noah, why_ now? _What does this mean?_ "And that song. The chorus was literally 'Come and find me now.' Come and find him? Is he quite sane?" Rachel kicked her shoes off, climbing onto her bed to pull the pillow across her face. _Noah is fine without me. He made that clear._

"Rachel. It was a song. There could be a million reasons he wrote it, maybe he just wanted you to know you inspire him, who knows?" Lori frowned at the clock, willing the hours backwards.

"I said goodbye, Lori. We closed that door," Rachel insisted, moving the pillow and glancing towards her nightstand at her journal. _I wrote that letter, I have nothing left to say._ "He cannot just waltz in and out of my life as it suits him. That's simply unacceptable." _Never again. No more. _Her voice rose. "I need _order _and _stability_, I need _security_, I need -"

"To calm down. Rach, _calm down_." Lori paused to let Rachel breathe. "Honey, I don't know what goes on in that boy's head, but you can rest assured it's nothing malicious. He loves you."

"He - he _what?" Did she just say that? _Rachel pulled the pillow from her face. _Loves me?_ "He -"

"I mean, it's obvious he really cares about you," Lori interjected quickly, swearing under her breath. "You said it yourself, that it was just the whole 'Puck' thing that screwed it all up. And he wrote a song for you. You don't think he cares?"

"Lori, there's caring and there's love. And you clearly said love." Rachel sat up in bed. _Oh...oh, no. That would - it would make sense._ "Lor...Did you talk to him again?"

Lori chewed her lip before she evaded. "Rach, let's just focus on -"

"Lori." _Do_ not _toy with me around this. _"Did you _talk _to him, Lori." Rachel held her breath. _She did, she _must _have..._

"Maybe?" Her friend groaned into the phone. "Damn it, why is it too late for me to come over? Freaking curfew." Lori blew out a breath. "All right, _fine, _I was worried about you and I couldn't think of what else to do, Rach. You have to slow down and I was desperate and I called him to ask for advice. And..."

"And he wrote me a song." Rachel dropped back against the pillows. _He wrote me a _song? "You - he - " She looked to the ceiling, shaking her head. _What on Earth is going on here..._"This is madness, you realize that? _Madness."_ _Anything and _everything _with Noah seems to be madness, Rachel..._"First, that my _best friend_ would call on the person who basically _ruined me _for help in...what, exactly? Hmm? What have I done or not done to warrant such a dramatic intervention? What rule have I broken, or event have I missed?" _Why does everyone think there's something wrong?_

"Nothing, not a thing, you're absolutely right." Lori heaved a sigh. "But Rach, that's part of the _problem_. You've been running so hard for so long - it makes _me_ tired watching you, and it makes everyone worry. I just - I didn't want to watch you break down spectacularly, so I...I wanted to try to decompress you. And well...from what you've said he's the only one who's ever done that." She cleared her throat and continued softly. "And I know from the way you talk about him and being with him that it was more than just the physical stuff that was good for you. He just decided to take matters into his own hands."

"He tends to do that," she murmured, pressing her eyes shut. _Much as it pains me._

**Rough palms skimming up her thighs, his hoarse whisper against her skin telling her to let go.**

She sighed, rubbing at the ache in her chest. "Sometimes he even _thinks _about it." _And that makes it so much better and so much worse._

**Heels under her chair, the dress draped over it, water and painkillers on the nightstand, no evidence of her party for one to be found.**

Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. _But none of this should _matter. _We're _over_, Noah. You made _sure _of that._

"Not often, I take it?" Lori tucked her hands under her cheek, listening to the heavy silence on the line. "Rach?"

Rachel opened her eyes, sighing. _I don't know which I'd prefer - that song being left thoughtlessly or deliberately_..."Lori, I - he - he's -" _Either hurts..._She clenched a fist. _Come and find him..._"He's _infuriating!_ And the fact that he's involved himself in my life again verges on insulting. I don't know what he is trying to say with this song, and I just - I know you meant well but I wish you'd never called him. Come and find him." Rachel bit out a laugh. "I _did _find him, I _saw _him, I understood and accepted him when no one else did. Even _he _didn't." _And apparently he wasn't interested in that either._ "There's nothing for me to find, nowhere I need to be. I'm here, I'm fine, and I'm going to enjoy every minute of thelife I've made." Flipping onto her stomach, she buried the phone and her head under the pillow. "Which I _thought_ I was doing, but _apparently _I'm wrong." _Because of _course_ he knows, of _course_ he can judge. _She fought back a groan.

"Rachel..." Lori sighed, frowning out the window. "Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't think this through, I realized that once Noah started to freak out -"

_He - Noah actually -_She picked her head up, the pillow falling to the floor. "Freaked out? Over me? What did you say to him? Why did he -" _Rachel!_ She exhaled slowly. _It doesn't matter. Don't torture yourself. _"Never mind, I don't want to -"

Lori bit back a sigh and shook her head at the phone. "Noah - and he was sure to identify himself as Noah, I'll have you know - was _quite _concerned about you, Rachel. He definitely cares deeply about you, honey, he _still_ does. Sounds like just _seeing _you was the kick in the ass he needed."

_Right. Because when I was right there in front of him, I was _so _valued. _Rolling her eyes, Rachel pulled the pillow up under her. "That and a pep talk or two, I'm sure. It wasn't me." She shifted, sighing. "Lori, I just - what on Earth could he have been trying to accomplish with that song?" _There's nothing left to say, not after graduation._

"I don't know, Rach, I really don't, I swear. I know he was worried, but I didn't expect a song. If you want to know, you'll have to call him yourself."

_"Come and find me now..."_

_Could he be deliberately -_"I think I will." Rachel disconnected and sat up as she dialed the familiar number. _Once more, with feeling..._

* * *

_I shouldn't have left that fucking song._ Noah groaned, pulling the pillow over him. _Just go to _sleep_, Puckerman, shit._ _It's after __one__ and it's Rachel - she's not gonna call. _He flipped over and stared out the window with a shake of his head. _Fuck, if I'd only known the first time...Shit, even the _second _time..._

He closed his eyes, laying an arm across them. _Did you really expect her to call? You leave a song that tells her to come to you on her voicemail. _He smirked. _I'm sure I got her attention. She's gotta be fucking pissed_. _And she can just stop running - get her pissed enough and she'll stand and fight. _His smirk faltered. _At least, the Rachel _I_ know does. What if she's_ _upset? She could be really - stop it, don't think about that, it's still Rachel and she'll get pissed._

_Right?_

"Shit," he muttered. He turned onto his stomach, punching his pillow. _I should have done...something..._Said _something that would make her call me back. I should've _talked_, like a _normal _person. What the fuck was I thinking? _He scoffed. _That's a fucking question? As usual, I _wasn't _thinking, I just _did _something to stop her in her tracks and it's _actually_ totally fucked up and I should never have trusted my instincts, she's gotta be fucking -_

**_"Ohhhh, sweet Caroline..."_**

"Holy shit!" He grabbed for his phone, adrenaline shooting through his veins. _She's - I can't fucking believe she - _Puckerman! _Man up. Shit. _He blew out a breath and flipped open his phone. "Hello?" _Smooth, Puckerman. _Good_. Just like that._

"Hello, Noah," Rachel said. _Firm, polite, businesslike. _"I received your...message. It was...it was lovely. I particularly enjoyed your use of finger play for the opening."

**Slow slide of his fingers inside her, body arching as she sighed and shivered.**

She swallowed, her mouth going dry. _Stop it. _Stop it,_ Rachel. We are _not_ doing this._ _Not now._

_Holy shit, she called me. _Noah licked his lips. _Get it together and fucking _say _something before she hangs up on your ass. _"I, um, thanks, I - fuck, Rach, I - I'm so -"

_Just say your piece, Rachel._ "I'm quite fine, Noah, and while I appreciate whatever attempt you and Lori were making at an - an _intervention_, if you will, it's unwarranted, I assure you." _And unwelcome_. She struggled to keep her breathing steady. _Especially from you. _

"Rachel - I -" _Fuck, use your _words,_ jackass._ "I -"

_Convince him you're all right and disengage._ "I do genuinely value your concern, but I must tell you it is unnecessary. I am merely expanding my repertoire, resulting in my seeming overexertion. To the contrary, I am taking maximum advantage of the opportunities during this vital time in my professional development." _I _am,_ I am not running_,_ I'm _striving,_ I'm _accomplishing_. I _am_._

He ran a hand over his head. _Get your shit together, come on._ "I just wanted to -"

"And your mother is doing well, Daddy tells me, as are you. Oh, and congratulations. I'm glad to know you've found a direction, whatever that may be." She looked around the room blinking furiously._ I will not cry. I refuse._

_Tell her that, that she was right. She deserves to know. _"It's actually -"

_Rachel! The time!_ Her eyes went wide on the clock. "And my _goodness _it is entirely too early for this conversation, I'm so, so sorry, and I'll allow you to sleep, as I should be doing!" She forced a laugh, flushing. _How did you so completely lose track of yourself? _"I am absolutely mortified, Noah, I shouldn't have bothered you, and I won't keep you, good night!" She hung up, breath short and panicked.

_Rachel! What were you thinking? _She put her phone on the nightstand, rubbing her forehead. _How could you be so impulsive? _Closing her eyes against her stomach's slow roll, she exhaled heavily. _How? Easily when all I wanted for ages was to hear his voice..._She wrapped her arms around herself. _Damn it, Rachel..._

_She - was that - she's - _Noah sat up, shaking his head and staring at his phone. _Did that just fucking happen? _He blinked at the display. _She really just - _He hit the call button twice, laying back and closing his eyes.

Rachel jumped as her phone danced across the nightstand. _Oh...oh no. It's - he's going to - Oh, Rachel, what did you do? _Clearing her throat, she answered the call, sitting up slightly in bed. "Hello?" _Cool and disinterested, Rachel. This is your show._

"Rach?" _Holy shit, she picked up. _Opening his eyes, Noah sat up in bed. "Rachel." He breathed her name softly into the stillness.

"Noah," she managed. _I just - why did I answer? _Tears rose again. _Damn it_..."How – " She cleared her throat. "How are you?" _Just keep it nice and light, Rachel, you can do this. And you can tell him to stay out of your life._

_Me? Seriously? _He shook his head. "Don't give a shit. Why was your best friend calling me? What's going on with you?" _What are you doing to yourself? Why aren't you okay?_

"Noah, I told you, I'm fine. I'm just fine. I'm busy. I'm always busy. You know that." _Knew. He's past tense, Rachel. _Knew_. _She ran a small section of her hair through her hands, smoothing it and breathing deeply. _He doesn't know you anymore._

"There's busy, and there's scary. Rachel, from what Lori said, this is getting to scary. What the fuck is going on? Talk to me." _Fuck. Probably shouldn't -_

"Talk to - _talk _to you?" _Am I hallucinating_ _this?_ She stared at the phone before putting it back to her ear. "Are you - are you quite _serious, _Noah?"

_Shit, this isn't - that wasn't smart. _"I - " _Like I ever give a shit about smart._ "Fuck it, Rach, _yes,_ I'm serious, talk to me. Let me help. You know I don't judge you for your shit, not anymore. Is it me? I can take it if it is. Just take a breath and unload. C'mon, you know you want to." _Just talk to me and be all right._

"I - you know that I - " _After all this, all this pain and all this time, you have the gall to say you know what I want._ "Noah, I do believe you've lost your mind. I have nothing else to say to you. Nothing at all." _I said it all and it made no difference to you but to drive you into someone else's arms, you son of a -_ She took a deep breath, her smile going brittle. "I'm perfectly fine, Lori is exaggerating -"

"And your dad? Him too?" _Damn it, Rach..._"Because he told me the same thing in the summer, and I figured once school started, you'd straighten out. You wouldn't risk it. Except you pushed yourself right to the edge the whole fucking time, didn't you? Just to get back and shut off, not think." He sighed, shaking his head. "Music for you, cougars for me, but I get it." _I _do_ get you, Rach. I always did._

"Noah!" _That's preposterous, there are absolutely no similarities here._ "I cannot believe -"

"What? I do, I get it, I just accomplished it differently." He smirked. "You didn't mind when it was benefiting _you."_ _That'll get to her._

_"Noah!"_ _I cannot believe you just -_

_Score_. "You're blushing. You're breathing. Good." _Now just slow the fuck down, Rach, please..._

"You - " She screamed silently into her pillow. "Noah, if this is not the most _im_plausible, surreal scenario -"

_Berry-speak. Thank fuck, she really _is _okay._"You know what, Rach, you're right, it's way early in the morning. I'm sure you have class or lessons or a recital or work or - " He cut off, shaking his head. "See how ridiculously long that list is?"

Rachel held back the laugh that threatened. _Damn it, damn you, Noah. _"I understand everyone's concern, but -"

"But you're gonna do whatever you wanna do anyway. I'm not trying to talk you out of it. But just make sure you're not killing yourself for no reason, okay? Rachel Berry has taste. Most of the time. Kinda." He closed his eyes against his memory, strawberry gloss and sweet tea on his tongue as he kissed her, warm breath and cool hands...

She swallowed a smile. _Damn it, Rachel. _Don't._ Not again._ "Noah -"

"I miss you," he sighed. _Oh, shit. Shit, why did I fucking say that?_ He held his breath.

"You -" She inhaled raggedly. _Miss me?_

_I shouldn't have said that._ Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth. _Not like that_..."Rachel..." _Fuck, can't I get anything right with her?_

_Why now? __Why__ now when it's all too late?_ "Noah, I can't." Rachel pressed a hand to her stomach. "I just can't do this with you. I'm all right, I promise I am. I'm busy but I'm all right." _I am. I'm all right. I _am_._

"Rach..." _Don't_..."I'm sorry to bug you, I didn't mean to upset you. I swear I only wanted to help. Lori had me..." _Just admit it. _"She scared the shit out of me, Rach. She said it was like after…like after that shithead motherfucker."

_Jesse. And then I started things with you and..._She shook herself. "I'm all right. I am keeping busy, but I am eating and sleeping regularly. I am in perfect physical health. I don't see the cause for concern." _So__ you can leave me in peace._

"Not with a blind spot like that you're not fine. When was the last time you hung out with Lori or your dads? Went to the pool, the park?" _She really doesn't get it._ "You're in _New York_ Fucking _City_, Rach, and I bet you barely see anything but stages. For fuck's sake, slow down."

Rachel stiffened. _How dare you try to lecture me about my life?_ "Oh, really, you would know, of course, because your life is going _so _well." She glared out the window.

"Ouch." _That means I hit a nerve._ _Fuck it, I'll take it._

_Oh, Rachel..._She pressed a hand to her forehead. _Damn it, that retort was mean and hurtful...and _deliberately _so._"Noah, I _-"_

_Now you're listening. _He merely continued, cutting her off. "At least I know when I need to slow down and figure shit out. Doing this much isn't coming across as you're driven, it's like you're _terrified_. Stop running, Rachel. You're _better _than this." _You're a mess, Rach, don't do this to yourself._

_I'm __assuredly__ better than the __underhanded barb__ I just __threw__ at him._ "Noah, I apologize, that was uncalled for. You're concerned and I'm defensive. A lovely combination." She sighed. _Weren't we always…_

"Rachel, I'm sorry." He exhaled shakily. _Finally._ "Fuck, I've wanted to say that to you - not to your voicemail, but to _you -_ for so long. I'm so fucking sorry." He launched himself from the bed, pacing the floor. "Look, Rach, I was such an asshole, I should've - I should've told you -"

"No." _Don't, please. I can't. _Rachel pressed a hand to her lips, shaking her head. "No, Noah, I will try to slow down, I will, but don't. Just - just _don't."_ _You should've _then, _not _now. She squeezed her eyes shut. "I - it's been - I can't. I can't hear what you have to say, because it will break my heart or it will break my heart."

_Shit. It still matters. _I _still matter. _His heart raced as he gathered his words. "Rachel -"

_No. _No. _I don't want to know. Not now. _"Noah, please. Are you moving to New York? If you say whatever you want to say, will it do anything other than hurt me now?" _Lori said...and I can't, I don't -_"I've built a life here, Noah, and _you're not in it."_

He ran a hand over the back of his head. _No shit. _"I know that, believe me. I feel it, I fucked up and -"

_No. No more. _"And you said I _deserved_ this. You _did, _you said I deserved what success I attained here. Don't make me regret it, Noah, please. _Please." _She looked out towards the city. _I never should have picked up the phone..._

He pulled a punch just shy of the wall, lowering his forehead to it instead. _Get your fucking ass in gear, Puckerman and fucking _get there. "No, Rach. I don't want to hurt you. I never did. All right? Can I say that much? I never meant to hurt you. I knew I was doing it, but I just couldn't stop myself, I thought I was doing the right thing. I couldn't accept that something good could happen to me, and I fucked it up. I know I did. And I'm so sorry. I waited a year to say that to you. I'm sorry."

_Why did I answer? _Rachel shuddered, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I am too, Noah, but I have a place here, a purpose. It's a dream come true." _Even if it's not the dream I wanted most, anymore._"I should go."

"Don't," he blurted. _Oh, for fuck's sake._ He cleared his throat, tried a smile. "You know you missed hearing my sexy voice." _The one that just broke like a fucking pubescent boy._ Shit, _Puckerman_.

Rachel blinked. _Did he - he really just - _She swallowed. "You...made a joke. I know it's - you made a joke." _A joke about how long we've been apart. About how I left _everything I knew_ just so I could not _ache_ every minute of every day. A joke._ "Noah, I have to go. Good night. Thank you for your concern. I'll do my best to remember to breathe." _Since I _can_ here._

_You're a fucking moron, Puckerman. _"Rachel -"

She raised her voice and spoke over him firmly. "Good_bye_, Noah." _For the last time. No more._

_Just get your ass to New York, Puckerman._"Good night, Rachel." _Not goodbye._

Rachel slid down in her bed and pulled the covers over her head, biting back a groan. _What on earth did I just do? What have I started? That certainly was not my brightest moment..._

Noah stared at the closed phone incredulously. _Well__, _that _was fucking nuts. _He grabbed staff paper and his guitar.

* * *

_"Sometimes the sun shines on other people's houses and not mine..." _Jason Mraz sang Rachel from sleep, a hand worming out from the covers to slap at the clock. _Oh, no. Last night...That was insane. Did that really happen? _Rachel rolled over to look at her cell phone, scrolling to the call record.

"Ohhhhhh..." _It did._ She forced herself out of bed, rubbing her forehead and stumbling out into the living room. "Dad? Daddy?"

"Kitchen, baby girl," Will called. "You all right? You seemed off last night when you came in."

_That's the understatement of the year. _Rachel caught his eyes and swallowed hard. "I spoke to Noah last night."

Will dropped his coffee cup with a clatter. "Oh, hell." He raised his voice and called down the hallway. "Dan, honey. Need you in the kitchen." Standing quickly, Will crossed the room and wrapped his arms around his daughter.

* * *

Noah rolled over in bed, stretching with a grin. _My portfolio is gonna kick ass and I talked to Rachel last night. I talked to Rachel._ He grabbed his cell phone. _It's early, do I call her? _He dialed with a smirk. _She called _me _after __one a.m.__, I can definitely call her at 8 in the morning. _He ran a hand over his face. _She called me. Picked up the phone and dialed my number. There's still something left, I_ _didn't fuck it all up, and now I'm gonna fix it. I can fix this. I can help._

_If she'd just pick up the damn phone..._

* * *

**_"Ohhhhhhh, sweet Caroline..."_**

Rachel jumped, halting her story. "And he's calling again. Daddy, I made a mistake last night, but the message was so..." _amazing._ She frowned down at the table._ Stop it! _"- _infuriating _that I had to make contact. Now I'm afraid he won't leave me alone."

"With good reason," Will murmured, raising an eyebrow at her ringing phone. "Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No, Daddy, I can talk to him myself, I just...I can't believe I was so thoughtless. I knew what would happen once I opened any sort of avenue of contact. I knew it." _And you did it anyway, Rachel, what does that tell you?_

"Well, now that he's in touch, what do you want to say?"

"Nothing! I don't have anything else to tell him besides stay out of my life!" _And I did. Repeatedly. In various ways_. She kissed Will's cheek, stepping away and dropping into a chair. _Not_ _that he seems to be paying attention..._"I had a momentary lapse in judgment and called him -"

Dan stopped dead in the doorway behind her, eyes wide. "She _called_ him?" he mouthed.

Will nodded minutely, gesturing Dan in. "Rachel spoke to Noah last night."

She tilted her head backward to watch Dan enter the kitchen and summarized. "I lost my mind for an instant and spoke to him directly. He apologized, I told him I was fine, he said that he...he _missed_ me..." _He almost said _more_..._

"Oh, honey..." Dan pressed a kiss to her head. "Are you all right?"

* * *

Noah shrugged, hanging up. _You know she's awake, Puckerman, it's Rachel Berry. If she's not picking up, it's because she doesn't want to. _He smirked, tossing the phone on the bed and picking up his staff paper. _Just means I'll try again later._

"Noah?" His mother knocked on his door. "Honey, are you...are you awake?"

"Yeah, Ma, come in." He flipped through the score with a frown. _I need a chick to sing this._

Ilana walked in, looking him up and down as she sat on his bed. "I heard movement, but I didn't think it'd be you. Are you all right?"

Noah shrugged. "Was up working on stuff." _Like how I'm getting into NYU._

"Anything I can see or hear?" Ilana raised a brow. "Someday I really would like to hear your music, you know."

Noah shrugged sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Ma, it's just...it's kinda raw...like really..." _Can't believe I'm gonna say this to my mother._ "It's really personal and pretty painful."

"It's about Rachel, hmm? You don't want your Jewish mother fundraising at temple to send you to New York to snag the perfect Jewish daughter-in-law?" She smiled. "Noah, you think I don't know? That's why I want to hear it. I...I'm still getting to know who you were and who you are. It seems like your music would be a great window to do that."

Noah swallowed past the lump in his throat. _You're the second person to get that. _"I, um...Do you want me to play the song I wrote last night?"

She smiled, reaching out to squeeze his arm. "I'd love that."

Clearing his throat, he started to pick out the melody.

* * *

"And what did you tell him?" Dan sat next to her, eyes searching her face.

Rachel frowned. _You think I encouraged him to call?_ "I told him to leave me alone, that I was fine and he didn't have to worry. I very specifically said 'goodbye'."

"Well, he seems to have a different idea, sweetheart." Dan grabbed her phone, glancing at the display as the ringing stopped.

_Oh, thank goodness. _Rachel retrieved her silent phone from her father. "I think I'm going to go for a walk."

* * *

"Come and find me now..." Noah closed his eyes, the last notes fading to silence beneath his fingertips before looking up at his mother. _Oh, shit._ "Ma? Are you...are you okay?"

Ilana brushed at her cheeks. "I'm fine, Noah. I just - " She shook her head. "Honey, I'm so sorry. I cannot believe you were going through all of this and I missed it completely."

"Ma, it's not your fault. I didn't get it then. It was supposed to be -" _Shut it, Puckerman, are you really gonna tell your mother you were supposed to be fuck buddies?_ "I didn't mean her to - I didn't want -"

Waving a hand, Ilana shook her head again. "No, Noah, I know it was supposed to be..._casual_. I've managed to put _some _things together. You know, Sarah asked the other day where Rachel was."

_Too far away._ He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "She did?"

"Yeah, I did." His sister stuck her tongue out at him from his doorway. "What're you doin'?"

"Noah and I were just talking, sweetheart. Good morning."

"Good morning, Ma. So, Ma said Rachel moved away. Is that why you're so grumpy?" She plopped on his bed, leaning on Ilana's arm.

"Part of it, yeah." _The rest of it is that _I'm_ the reason she's so fucking far.__ Wait a second - __Sarah asked - _"Hey - is Rachel why you were so tough on Quinn?"

Sarah shrugged. "Rachel used to help me with my homework and watch movies with me if you were busy. Then she stopped coming over and you said Quinn was your girlfriend. You have really bad taste in girlfriends, Noah. She didn't get me like Rachel did. She didn't even really try."

Ilana raised a brow at her son. "Hmm. I think maybe you should've taken your cues from Sarah."

Rolling his eyes, he shoved at Sarah's knee. "Yeah, maybe."

_Or maybe I should've known better all by myself._

* * *

_I should have known better. _Rachel grabbed her Pinkberry with a smile, sitting on the bench outside. _This is unreal. _She took a bite of the pomegranate frozen yogurt with a contented sigh and glanced down at her phone. _At least he's giving me a reprieve. I can't...what was I thinking last night? Calling him? _She shook her head and took another bite. _You _weren't _thinking, Rachel. And that is a dangerous thing. _"Oh my goodness." She blinked, biting her lower lip. _I hung up on Lori last night! _She dialed her quickly, gnawing on her lip. "Lori? Hi...I'm so sorry for last night! Are you busy?"

* * *

Noah drummed on the steering wheel as he drove, honking his horn as he pulled up. _Time to really get your shit together, Puckerman, and get there._

Quinn shook her head as she walked down the driveway. "You _could _ring the doorbell," she chastised as she buckled her belt. Frowning quickly, she quirked a brow. "You're in a good mood - did you finally give up the ghost and find a girl?"

"Didn't know ghosts could make phone calls," he replied, pulling away and heading towards the library. "Thanks for helping me study." _She called me. _He grinned as he drove.

"Wait - phone - oh my goodness. You _talked _to her? And you had her cell and didn't use it?"

"I swore to her father I wouldn't, not until I got his okay." _Whoops. Forgot about that last night_. "And when I did last year...fuck, Q, she was a mess and I didn't want to fuck her up any more."

"Still! I cannot believe you didn't call her sooner."

* * *

"I cannot believe you called him. Rachel, I really had no idea what to do when you hung up the phone. I just stared at it. You said you always think things through, and the lack of forethought I saw was flabbergasting, honey."

"I'm sorry, Lor, I didn't mean to scare you, truly." _And frankly, if _I _had stopped to think, I would have frightened _myself. She flipped through the rack of dresses. "I just have a lot on my mind and it's difficult to properly process as much. I have to accelerate my schedule to graduate, which means I need to be auditioning for grad programs immediately." _I'm moving on and moving upwards._

Lori stared at her wide-eyed. "Graduate early? A year early, Rachel? Really?"

Rachel smiled tightly. _I want it all, as fast as I can get it. _"Don't sound so shocked, Lor, with all the time I've been around the school? I met with my advisor, she thinks it's possible for me to graduate on an accelerated schedule."

"Would you _want_ to?" Lori shook her head. "I keep telling you there's no rush, to slow down, I take _extraordinary risks _to do so and instead you're going even _faster."_ She raised a brow at Rachel.

Rachel glared at her cell phone before sending the call to voicemail. "It's the rest of my life, Lor. I could burst into multiple songs about how waiting for life to begin kills you." _I've done enough waiting _for _a lifetime_. She tightened her hands around a hanger before smiling and continuing. _Just breathe. _"I know my ultimate destination, I just have to strategize and identify the best avenue to get there. Accordingly, I have to begin to scrutinize graduate programs. That means -"

"It means absolute insanity. Am I ever going to see you now?"

"You'll see me, Lor, I promise. I'll slow down, I'll pick and choose. I _do_ have taste, I'll have you know. Mostly." _The nerve of anyone to suggest that I've lost my critical eye. _Rachel brushed her hair back over her shoulder.

"Mostly." Lori shook her head, handing Rachel a skirt. "You're insane, you know that?"

"No crazier than you." Rachel raised a brow coolly. _Calling Noah for help? Really? You think you can tell me anything?_

"You're running yourself into the ground and your solution is go faster." Lori rolled her eyes. "Insanity."

_No, insanity was sitting and waiting for a revelation that would never come. _She caught her breath, exhaling shakily. _Or came too late. _"Well, whether insanity or brilliance, I'm starting research now. Music performance and something else, I think..."

"A dual major. Of course."

"You'd best believe it." _Why stop at one? I _am_ Rachel Berry, after all. _She handed Lori a color block tank dress. "Right now? Shopping."

"It's going to take a lot of retail therapy to sort this shit out," the Filipina muttered.

Rachel turned her head quickly. _Did I miss something? _"What did you say?"

Lori handed her a cream silk blouse. "Nothing, babe. Nothing at all."

* * *

"Nothing? So that's it? That's how you left it?" Quinn shook her head. "You didn't mention NYU, the music major, _nothing?" _She opened her textbook with a sigh. "You're an ass, you know that?"

"Well aware, Q. That's why I didn't say anything - what if I don't make it? Why get her hopes up? I think I toyed with her enough." He shook his head. _More than enough._ "And I've already called back three times. She won't pick up. I'm trying to figure out a good message to leave when I call later. Already did the song thing, that might get old, so...I dunno." He opened his notebook. "Whatever, I'll just call her after dinner, maybe I'll come up with something." _And at the very least, she'll know I'm trying._

Quinn looked up at him, tilting her head as she examined his expression. "That actually makes sense. A lot of it." She shook her head. "I think I still...I still can't believe it's _Rachel Berry _that's got you motivated and...growing up. You've come a long way, Noah." She grinned. "And now? Doesn't even feel awkward calling you that. You've changed. You're like, a _man. _And a good one."

_That's what I _want _to be. _Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and shrugged. "Hopefully I can convince _her _of that." _If I get there. Fuck that. _When _I get there._

* * *

Rachel groaned, tossing the phone onto her bed as Neil Diamond sang merrily. _It_ _could be worse. You could've used a recording of him singing it to you. _She snorted. _You certainly chose an_ _interesting_ _set of circumstances under which_ _to be persistent, Noah._

She brushed at her blunt bangs and considered herself in the mirror. _So what _are _you running from, Rachel? You're here, in New York. You're at Juilliard. You look, as Kurt would have said, fierce. And Noah is left missing you. You are in the driver's seat. _Meeting her reflection's gaze, she dropped her head. _Except for once I don't _want _to be. I don't want to _know_, I don't want to _think_, I just want to _do_..._

_"Music for you, cougars for me, but I get it."_

She frowned. _Is he right? Dear sweet Streisand - have I turned into my own version of Puck?_ "Oh, this is ridiculous." Rachel pushed away from the vanity, picking up her phone. "Noah, you really need a hobby."

He smirked, flopping back on his bed. _She answered me. Again. _"I'm kinda liking this one."

"Petty harassment? I thought that was beneath you." _Stop thinking of _you_ beneath him, Rachel. Damn it. _She fanned herself with her hand.

"There's nothing petty about this, Rach. You know that." Noah stared out the window. _Fuck. I _hope _you know that..._

Rachel pressed her lips together tightly. _Oh, _now_ it's not petty? _Now_ it's not casual?_ She shook herself. "Noah, you've been at this all day. There's nothing else for us to say to each other. I appreciate your concern and your caring. I've heard you." _And what I haven't heard, I don't want to know._ "You are quite correct in your assessment that I am going to make my choices as I see fit. I told you last night that unless you're here, nothing you have to say other than that apology is necessary or even _welcome_. Now could you _please_ leave me be. I have nothing else for you."

_You have everything. Don't ever think otherwise. _He shook his head. _Who the fuck are you kidding, you're part of the _reason_ she thinks otherwise. _"That's _your _opinion. Here's a surprise - I disagree."

_You're right, that's not a surprise. _She inhaled slowly. "Noah -"

"I'm _serious_." _And this is long overdue. _"You brought out the best in me, Rach. I should've realized that sooner. But we both know I'm not the brightest -"

"Noah, stop it, don't sell yourself short." Rachel clapped a hand over her mouth. _Damn it, Rachel, really?_

_Fuck, Rach_..."Thank you for saying that." _Sh__it, I want to be there..._"You always believed in me."

"Fat lot of good that did me," she muttered. "Well, you'll just have to believe in yourself, Noah. I really have no interest in continued contact. It would be -" _No. You are not going to admit he can still hurt you, Rachel._ "Pointless," she finished.

"Whatever, fine. I finally got to tell you I'm sorry, so that's already ahead of the game. You don't want me to call you? Fine. I can do that. But Rach, you have to promise, really promise, that you'll stop running yourself into the ground, okay? Please. Just don't, not over me." _I hate thinking you're hurting this much. _

"Who says it's over you?" _Liar._

_Ouch. _Noah cleared his throat. "Fine. Over a _guy_, then. No guy is worth you burning out before you get anywhere."

She folded her arms across her chest. _Burning out? Unfathomable. _"I'm doing the best that I can, the best way I know how. Work is my cure for everything." _It's never abandoned me or lied, never misled me or broke my heart..._

"So fine, work. But you're just throwing yourself at anything and everything, Rach, how is that helpful? What happened to all that shit you used to say about being 'discerning' and having to 'carefully cultivate an image'?" _Gee, I don't know, maybe _you _did, Puckerman. _He exhaled and rubbed his forehead. "Come on, Rachel - you're better than this."

"I beg your pardon. New York City simply offers more opportunities for me. If that results in me being busy, who is to say that it's not a worthwhile venture which makes me so?" _Lori, your fathers, yourself if you're honest..._She swallowed, turning to rest her forehead on the cool glass of her window.

"Oh, so that's why your best friend is calling y - " _Your _what, _Puckerman, huh? _" - me for help with slowing you down?"

Rachel turned her back to the city and squeezed her throbbing temples in one hand. _What a lovely turn of phrase. An echo of an insanely twisted night. _She gritted her teeth, breath hissing. "I just - Noah, I can't promise to slow down, I'm still struggling here." _Rachel! __Why did you just say that?_ "I can't believe I can say that to you and not to anyone else, but I'm struggling, all right?" Now _will you leave me alone?_

_Shit, I knew it. _"So then talk to me, if you won't say that to anyone else. Talk to me, Rachel, I'm right here." _And I'm gonna be right there as soon as I fucking can. _"I want to do whatever I can to make sure you don't burn out. I don't want to see you hurting, just let me -"

_You don't want to see me hurting? You?_ "You _broke _my _heart!" _Rachel pressed her fingers to her lips. _Do you really want to do this, Rachel?_

Noah swallowed hard. _Shit. Shit, shit, _shit. "Rach, I'm sorry, I was an ass, a fucking _moron_. I know that, and I'm so sor-"

_Yes. Yes, I do. _She bit out her words. "You _broke - _shattered, destroyed, decimated - my heart, Noah. You ruined everything - _everything _- at that school for me. I would walk down the hall and pass a _closet_ and think of you and me, and then I would think of you there with Quinn and I would be overcome with nausea, but then the _bathroom _was no better -"

_I had no fucking clue..._"Rachel -"

Her breathing quickened as she paced the room. "- and then we would be in the _dressing_ room and Quinn would smile and I would want to tear my eyes out because I knew what that smile was. And I'd remember the way that you made me feel -"

Noah pounded a fist into his forehead. _You thoughtless motherfucker. _"Rachel, I'm _so_ -"

_"I'm not finished!"_ Rachel glared out the window. _You wanted me to talk to you, Noah. I'm merely giving you what you wanted. _"I had my life planned out, I had everything under control. I knew where I was going, and how and when, but -"

_And I fucked that all up. _"I know, Rach, I _know_ and I can't tell you -"

"- then I couldn't even drive around town, because the reservoir would make me sad, and then the pools from our summer...Your sweatshirt in my room..." _And in bed with me..._"I was turning into some melancholy Gothic heroine! And I _hated_ that -"

"I don't know, you'd look fucking hot in a corset," he offered with a forced laugh. _Shit, Puckerman, give me a fucking break, you _really _just said -_

_"I loved you!" _Rachel caught her breath, the words floating uncertainly in the air. _Oh my God. Rachel. _Shaking her head, she sank to the floor beneath her window. _Too late to take it back now. _"I _loved _you, Noah, and you tore me apart. I _can't_ talk to you, I can't be friends, I can't share my problems. I _can't_. Please, just leave me alone."

_Shit. She's worse than I thought. What the fuck did I do? _"Rachel –"

"Noah, _please_." _I can't. I told you. I cannot be friends. _She stood and stared at the skyline. _Where's a star when I desperately need to make a wish?_

_I really fucked it up this time. _"I'm so sorry, Rachel." He crossed to his window. "I wish I could take it back, change it, something. I just...I thought I was protecting you." _And I hurt you anyway. I hurt both of us. _

"Well, you didn't, Noah. You sent me mixed signals that I was only too happy to accept, you wouldn't leave me alone..." _And I didn't want you to..._"I just - this can't continue. I can't have you in my life like this -"

"But another way?" _You called me and you answered the phone, Rach. _"Is there a way that I _can _be in your life?"

"Noah, I'm serious." _Stop it. Enough already. _She traced a finger around a billboard.

"So am I. What would I have to do to get back in your life?" _Could it really be this fucking easy? Do you want me back in your life, Rachel? _ He stared at his reflection in the glass, resting a hand on the top of his head.

She let out a low groan of frustration. _What goes on in your brain? _"Noah, you're over 500 miles away. You want to be pen pals? What are you asking me?" _I'm telling you to leave me alone. _"You're not in my life, emotionally or geographically, and you _won't_ be. You physically _can't_ be at this point."

He smirked. _If it's the _physical_...That one's _easy_. _"There're webcams, I'm not shy..."

"Noah!" _Of course he would latch on to that. _He _hasn't changed _that _much._ "Ugh, you are exasperating. Stop calling me, stop trying. Just content yourself with the thought that this debacle has given both of us the impetus to accomplish things in our lives we may never have done otherwise. Be successful. And if someday things change, and our paths cross? We'll see where we are. But for now, I just...I just can't be friends with you, Noah. I can't." _It would come down to my sanity or you, and I choose me._

Noah shook his head. _Oh, I intend our paths to cross. _"I get it, Rachel. I won't call you. Just..." _Wait for me. Don't giv_e _up on me, on us. Give us both time._ "Fuck, don't burn yourself out. Please. Tough to make it big if you have a heart attack at 19." _I need you to be okay..._

_Oh, I will succeed, Noah Puckerman. I absolutely will. _"I will not have a heart attack at 19, Noah. But I've had enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. _Thanks_ for that." Her smile turned bitter and she caught her breath.

_Well, shit._ "Rachel -"

_Damn it, Rachel! _"Noah, I'm sorry. Just ignore that remark too." _And here I thought I'd come so far..._"I can't. That bitterness would always get in the way. Please, just...just let me live my life, and you live yours."

_Now isn't the time to fight her, Puckerman. Fucking get there._ "I, um...if it's okay, I'd still like to borrow your dad sometimes..."

"Of course," she said quietly. _I still, as I _always _have, don't want to hurt you. _"But call _him,_ not _me_. I heard you, Noah, and I thank you for the concern but even more for the apology. It does help, but..." She blew out a breath, pressing at her chest.

"But not enough, not now. I get it." _And I might have an idea for something else I can do._ "I just - I hate asking your dad about you, it feels awkward. All I really wanna know is you're okay..."

"You can ask him, Noah, it's fine." _Much better than me trying to talk to you._ She exhaled against the glass, watching it fog."You're absolutely welcome to, in fact." _As long as you leave me alone._

Noah took a deep breath. _This is still more than you thought you'd get without being there, Puckerman, don't get greedy._ "I really am sorry, Rachel. I was thoughtless and immature and you didn't deserve it. I know I fucked up, and I just want you to know that I regret it. I regret it, Rachel. I never should have pushed you away."

_Now. You know that _now. Rachel caught her breath on a sob. "No, you shouldn't have. Hopefully you won't make that mistake with the -" She paused and swallowed, wiping the foggy letters from the glass. " - next woman who loves you. Goodbye, Noah." She hung up without waiting for his response.

Noah looked down at the phone in his hand. "Son of a bitch," he muttered. _She hung up on me._ He grinned and dialed. "Well, shit." _I can still get to her emotionally, and I'm gonna get to New York and fix this. No, fuck that, I'm gonna do it _right_. And hopefully she'll realize she's still got feelings for me. This isn't over by a long shot._

* * *

Lori glanced down at her phone with a frown. "Oh, don't even tell me..."

Connor looked at the display. "What the hell is he calling you for?"

"Good question," she muttered as she hit 'accept'. "Hello?"

_Thank fuck she picked up. _Noah exhaled and grinned. "Hey. I, um...I just got off the phone with Rachel, and she -"

Lori pulled back from her beeping cell to register the number ringing through. "- is calling on my other line. Make it snappy, Puckerman."

_Got to her. _He nodded. "You're gonna have to trust me, but I think I got you your Rachel back. I think she's pissed as hell and she's gonna slow down. And I need her address."

"Wait, what? Her address? You were on the phone with her? What the fuck are you doing, Noah, the girl is gonna -"

"No. The girl is gonna shock the shit out of you. Trust me. That's still the Rachel Berry I know and love." Noah ran a hand over his head. _Holy shit, I didn't even stumble on saying that. _"She's gonna slow down. Pissed as she is at me, she saw I had a point. But I need her address."

Lori shook her head, panicked. "I am not giving you her address, Noah, I'm sorry. I pushed my luck enough just calling you. You're gonna have to call Will for that one. And I gotta go." She hung up and clicked over. "Hey, Rach." She laid her head on Connor's shoulder.

"Lor, I - can you -" Rachel cleared her throat. _You know all you have to do is ask. _"Come over?"

Lori turned a pained gaze to Connor. "I'll be right there, babe. What do you need me to bring?"

"Just you, Lor, I - I talked to Noah again and I just..." _I don't want to be alone. _She sniffled, smiling weakly. "I'm so grateful to be able to say this. I need my best friend."

"Oh, Rach...I'm coming over, just hold on, okay?"

Rachel nodded at the empty room, swallowing rapidly to fight the tears. "Okay," she managed. _I'll just find Daddy. I will be all right._

"Be right there." Lori hung up the phone, looking up at Connor. "She's a fucking mess."

Connor smiled, shaking his head. "Care to make a wager on that? By the time you get there, she's going to have a full head of anger going. She'll curse his name and his very existence." He chuckled. "I'll say this, he knows her pretty damned well."

Lori grabbed her jacket and her bag. "I don't know, Connor. She was really distraught." Dropping a kiss on his lips, she turned towards the door. "I wouldn't expect me back by tonight, sorry, baby."

He only smiled. "See you in a couple of hours."

* * *

Noah paced his bedroom, staring at the phone display. _I wish I knew how long it'd take Lori to get there. I don't wanna leave Rach with no one. _He stopped pacing, shaking his head. _Shit, Puckerman. You're a pansyass mess. _He blew out a breath. _She told me to ask her dad about her, right? Fuck, it might even get me points. _He closed his eyes and dialed the phone.

* * *

Will pressed a hand to his pocket as his cell phone vibrated. "Baby girl -"

"Take it, Daddy, go. Lori should be just about here." _Thank goodness for that. _She dropped into a seat at the table, wrapping her hands around the steaming tea. "It's fine." _It is. If I can't hold myself together, we have bigger problems than an inopportune phone call._

Will pulled the phone from his pocket, checking the display. He flicked his eyes towards Rachel.

_Noah. I'll be damned._ "Checking on me. Or possibly for himself." She sighed. _Stop thinking about it. _"Either way, take the call. I'll move to the living room and set up West Side Story."

"Oh, sweetheart. West Side Story bad? I don't have to take the call, Rachel, you're my priority."

_How can I _not _be all right when I'm loved like that? _She picked up her tea cup and herself, kissing his cheek as she passed. "I know. That's why I can share."

Will shook his head and answered. "Just a minute, Noah." He covered the receiver and called down the hall. "Dan, keep Rach company, will you?"

Dan stuck his head out of the office. "Is that little shit calling you?"

"Dad!" Rachel turned wide eyes to her father. _And loved like _that _as well. _"He is not a shit, stop it, he – " _Why am I still defending him? _She heaved a sigh. "Ugh, he had something of a _point_, all right? I just - I just can't believe the gall of him, to keep calling after I've said to stop."

"I'll be sure to let him know," Will murmured, gently shoving her down the hall and smiling at Dan.

Dan slung an arm around her shoulders and drew her in, nodding at Will.

Letting out a breath, Will sat at the table. "Hello, Noah."

"Um, hi, Mr. Berry. I uh...I guess you spoke to Rachel or she talked to you or something?" _'Cause that sounded a _little _weird._

"Or something." Will ran a hand over his head. "What can I do for you, son?"

"I – " _Just be honest._ He scratched his scalp and dropped his hands. "Fuck, I just want to know if she's okay. I kind of pushed her."

"Oh, we're aware, Noah. And she's all right. She's with her dad, and Lori should be by -" He paused as he heard the doorbell. "Well, Lori's here. They've got her, Noah, it's all right."

Noah exhaled heavily. _Thank fuck_. "I was calling to, um..." _Go big or go home. _"...to ask for your mailing address."

"Our - what?"

* * *

"What happened?" Lori hugged Rachel tightly. "Honey, what?"

_Nothing. Everything. _"He - Lori, he -" _broke my heart and made me laugh and..._She shook her head, shrugging.

Dan nudged them towards the living room. "Go. Talk."

Rachel sank onto the couch, sipping her tea. _Think about it, Rachel. What do you want to say? _"He - Lori, he kept -"

Lori squeezed her hand. "Rach, it's gonna be okay. Take your time."

"He certainly did!" Rachel clapped a hand over her mouth at her outburst. _Oh my goodness. __There it is. _

Lori frowned at her. "Rach?"

Rachel slowly removed her hand. _Yes. This feels good. __"Now_ it's not petty. _Now_ it's not casual. _Now_ he's sorry. _Now_ he has a _direction_ and a _purpose_ - whatever that may be, I _don't_ even want to know - and he's growing up. _Now_ he wants to be Noah. Now when I'm 532 miles away. When it does my broken heart _no good at all._ Lori, he almost - he almost confirmed what you said and I –" She leaned her head on Lori's shoulder. "I _did_."

"Oh, Rachel..." Lori sighed. "Are you -"

"I just blurted it out. I told him he broke my heart, I told him...Lor, I told him I loved him. I cannot believe I did that. I swore I never would," _not after the first declaration ended so badly,_ "but I...It's as if my mouth and my brain disengage when it comes to him. I just - I hate that I said that, I didn't ever want him to know. What is it about him that makes me lose my mind?"

"The fact that it's not past tense?" Lori muttered.

Rachel frowned up at her. _Did I hear her right? _"What?"

"Nothing." Lori gnawed a fingernail. "Nothing at all, babe, keep talking."

* * *

"What are you talking about? Our mailing address? Noah, from what Rachel just told me -"

"She doesn't want me calling. I won't. I just – " _am desperate. _He rolled his shoulders. "Look, she mentioned being pen pals, and I - I figured maybe that's not a bad idea. I - Mr. Berry, I just want to help undo the damage I've done. I'm sorry I called her without letting you know, but Lori told me how she's been driving herself too hard and I had to try something. I managed to slow her down now, but I want her to just...to be okay until -" _Shut it, Puckerman - there's no guarantee._

"Until you get here." Will looked out into the living room at his teary daughter. "It's all right, Noah. Tell me what you're thinking and I'll tell you if I agree."

"Thank you, Mr. Berry."

"Call me Will, son, and let's hear this plan of yours."

* * *

"Let's hear it, Rach, what else? You were a mess on the phone." Lori tucked her legs under her on the sofa. "Spill."

Rachel sat up, mirroring Lori's posture. "I don't know _what_ I was on the phone." _Not with you and most assuredly not with him..._"I don't think I actually processed anything. He was just - oh, I can't even describe it. Talking as though no time had passed, as if I was still the same person he'd known. Trying to tell me about myself and my life and what I was doing." _Joking and teasing and making me hurt again..._

"Was he right?" Lori raised a brow.

Rachel pursed her lips. _Who determines that _I'm_ wrong? _"He said the same thing everyone else was saying - that I'm doing too much, I'm running myself down and burning myself out..."

"Was he _right_, Rach?"

She huffed. "Maybe." _Damn it. _"But I really _am_ trying to get involved in things here, Lori, I'm not deliberately setting out to run myself into the ground. I just -"

"- Can't help it?" Lori nudged her shoulder. "Showing up at a show I _told_ you was going to suck kind of _does_ make it look like you are, you know. Just putting it out there."

Rachel groaned, setting her head on Lori's shoulder again. "What am I doing, Lor? I really - I lost my mind, didn't I." _I just don't know what to do. I need him to leave me alone, once and for all._

Lori kissed her temple, stroking her hair. "It's okay, honey. We'll find it for you. Hopefully it made it to the city from Lima, at least."

Rachel sighed. "I know my _mind_ made it here." _If only my heart had made the trip too._

* * *

"So until I can get there somehow, I just - I guess I want to - I want her to know she deserves the world." _Fuck, that sounds cheesy._ "I want her to know I care about her." _Okay, less pathetic._ "I want her to know that what happened - how it all ended up - that I regret it." _Back to cheesy. But fuck it._ "And that I hope to do it right someday." _Yeah. That. Strong finish._

"Noah...son, how old are you?" Will grabbed a glass from the cabinet and a bottle of wine from the fridge.

"20, sir." _Sir? Shit. _He rolled his eyes. _You're fucking domesticated, Puckerman._

"Mm-hmm. And do you honestly believe that Rachel is - You _do _realize you're still young." Will winced at his own trite words as he poured the cabernet.

"I am. I mean, I know. But Rachel...She's - she's pretty much -" _everything. _Noah shook his head, rubbing a hand over his eyes. _Shit. I'm not domesticated. I'm in love._"Look, I - I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I was the best I could ever have hoped to be with her." He sat heavily on the bed. "I'm not saying she's - " _You're not ruling it out either, Puckerman, let's be honest. _"I want to try."

Will took a deep breath.

* * *

_**Four days later...**_

Rachel glanced at the postage label on the nondescript package and frowned. "What on Earth? Daddy, do you know what this is?" _I don't think a graduate packet would be sent in this way._ She pushed it around on the table.

Will glanced at Dan. "No, sweetheart. Why don't you open it?"

"But what if it's anthrax? Or a death threat?" _I _am _in the public eye at the Prom._ She met Will's gaze. "Should I really open anything I'm not expecting? You never know, it's New York City and that could be -"

"A book, and a CD." Dan held it up and shook it at her. "Music, to be exact." He spun the case towards her. "See? Music CD, right on the disc label. Must be a demo of some sort, probably trying to get publicity. Why not listen to it?"

Rachel took it hesitantly. "I - all right." She looked down at it skeptically. _Perhaps this _is _a graduate program? _"Are you certain -"

"It won't blow up, Rachel, I promise. Just listen, if it's bad, stop."

She nodded, looking between her fathers. _I feel as though I've missed an entire conversation. _"All - all right. I'll be back." She left the room in favor of her Bose CD player.

Dan raised a brow and lowered his voice. "Is that -"

Will sipped his coffee. "His first package to her? Yes, it is."

Worrying his lip briefly, Dan slid towards his husband to watch the door. "This ought to be good."

Will nodded. "Or very bad. One of two. But I'm sure we'll know sooner than later."

* * *

Rachel turned to frown at her fathers. _They know something._ _I can tell. _She opened the CD case and placed it in her player, turning it on as she went back into the package._ What on Earth could this be? _She picked the book up from the box. _Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much. Oh my - Noah._ Her gaze flew back towards her speakers as a familiar voice cleared his throat.

_"So, I guess you're wondering what the fuck this is," he began. "You said pen pals. And that might not be a bad idea. I -"_

Rachel hit stop on the remote, hand shaking. _They knew. They gave him the address. _She threw open her door and stalked out. "Daddy..."

"Rachel." Will patted the seat next to him on the couch. "Want to talk?"

"No," she bit out. "I want to know _why."_ _You sat there and listened. You're a _professional_. Why would you invite him into my world again?_

"Because you want to know how he's doing. You know you do. And maybe it's exactly what you need. To see him grow. To see that your effort wasn't useless. To see that it's _okay,_ baby girl. It's okay to care and it's okay to hurt and it's okay to live with that. And then you can put it aside and know that in the end, you can both live your lives." He stood and kissed her cheek. "Maybe listen to the rest of it sometime when you're ready. Dan, honey, let's give Rachel and Lori some space. Have a good night, sweetheart." He squeezed her shoulder and left the room.

"My life," she muttered. "You can't make this up." _What if I _don't _want to know? What if I don't _want _to hurt?_ Heaving a sigh, she called Lori. "You'll never believe this one, Lor..."

* * *

"Did she get it?" Noah waved Sarah off. _Longest days of my fucking life. _"I was gonna send it priority but then she'd see the postmark and the return address."

Will sighed. "She definitely received it. Whether she'll listen to the whole thing is a different story. She listened to not even a minute before she came back steaming mad that I'd given you our address."

Noah blew out a breath. "So it's working?"

"Making her angry enough to stop running to spite you and everyone else? Absolutely. I just can't say if it's softening or hardening her heart towards you."

Noah shrugged, reaching out to tickle his sister. _Let's start with _her _being okay. _"One nut at a time." _I can work on the rest. _"But at the very least I can keep her off-balance and talking to you or Dan or Lori. That's good enough." _For_ now, _anyway._ "Just...I guess let me know if it gets bad again?"

"If we don't, you'll hear from Lori, it seems," Will remarked with a half-smile. "This one ought to be enough for a while."

He grinned. _And she hasn't even heard the best part of it. _"Good. Thanks, Will. I gotta go."

* * *

_**Two weeks later...**_

_Time to face the day..._Rachel lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. _What would the book say to this?_ She glanced at the nightstand, the glossy shine of the spine reflecting at her. _If I'm a woman who does too much, I should meditate?_ She snorted and flipped over in bed, punching her pillow. _Like you always managed to slow down and appreciate life._ She looked towards the CD atop the book. _Why are you still entertaining this, Rachel?_ Reaching out a hand, she stroked the case. _I just - maybe -_ She chewed her lip and put the CD into the player on her nightstand. _May as well, right?_

_"- want us to get to know each other. _Fuck,_ that sounds_ _stupid. Whatever. I could edit this, but I won't. I remember you liked that stream of consciousness shit. So um, like I said, I just want to try, Rach. I want to be part of your life somehow. I don't even know if you'd want that. I hope you do. I'm hoping if you're listening to this, you're willing to hear me out. I...I'm still going to Lima Community while I try to get my act together. Figure I've already got three years in, right? And I'm actually pretty decent_ _at the teaching thing. Probably helps that I'm not that far removed from the kids." He chuckled. _

Rachel hit the stop button, tears gathering. _He sounds - he seems so - genuine?_ She brushed at her eyes and put the CD back in its case. _This was a bad idea. I can't listen. Not yet. I need more time._

* * *

"You need a date." Quinn dropped onto the bed, peering around the music stand at Noah. "Or to get laid. Something. It's Winter Break and you're just holed up in here. How is this any different than what you yelled at Rachel for doing? There's life going on out there, I'm sure there's a part of you that remembers what that is?"

Noah frowned at the staff paper, changing a progression. _Har de fucking har. _"Q, I appreciate it, but it's totally different. She was running _from _something, and I'm running _to _something." _To _her.

"But...I never thought I'd say this, but what about Puck?" Quinn raised a brow.

"What about what?" _The fuck is that supposed to mean? _He hummed to himself and shook his head.

"It's just..." She shrugged. "I've never seen you so celibate, it's astounding. I keep waiting for you to bust out, get in the truck and drive straight there and -"

He dropped his pencil, turning his head slowly to meet her eyes. _You fucking kidding me? _"You don't think I _want_ to? You don't think that I'm fucking _constantly_ fighting the urge to just go there, fuck planning, fuck everything except getting to her? You think I'm just _chillin'_ over here?" He flipped the sheet music towards Quinn.

He rubbed both hands over the back of his head. _I fucking _wish_ I was just relaxing. _"Every song, every _fucking _song I write is for her now. I can't stop thinking about her." _I never _did. "You have _no_ _fucking clue_ how much I wanna do that, just drive all night to get there." He closed his eyes, shaking his head. _It fucking haunts my dreams._ "I'd just show up at her condo, or maybe at school. I'd see her and she'd stop dead and I'd just grab her and say that I couldn't fucking stand being out of her life anymore. I'd grab her and kiss her until she fucking _melted_ and I would just - I can fucking _taste _it, Q, I can taste _her,_ so don't tell me you can't believe where Puck went."

Quinn sat speechless. "You really _have_ changed."

"I grew up somewhere along the line and as much as I can close my eyes and feel her against me I know that I fucked up way too much and hurt her too deep to do that. So what happened to Puck? Puck was the asshole who ripped her heart out. Noah is the guy she loved. Who do you think I want showing up at her doorstep, huh?" He spun the stand back around, picking out the melody on the page. _I can be everything I am with her. I just have to get to the 'with her' part._

Quinn tilted her head, examining his expression. "In that case? Keep it up. I wouldn't believe you had you told me that Puck, the Sex God of McKinley, would only want one girl." She grabbed his hand, squeezing quickly. "You'll make it back to her."

"I sure fucking hope so." He erased a line with a frown. "I'm not trying to be a fucking doormat but I - I want her to look at me like she used to again." _I want her to _look _at me, let's fucking start there._ "She never asked me to be anything but me when we were together, and that's what killed it. I couldn't believe I deserved her. And I proved I didn't. Now I've got to prove that I do. So no, I'm not gonna go get laid, I'm not gonna fuck around."

"This is - you realize you've turned into a version of her, and she turned into a version of Puck, right? It's eerie."

Noah stopped and looked at her. "You know, you're right?" _That's so fucked up._ "A version, though. The Puckerone is an original." He smirked and blew her a kiss. _Our own weird fairy tale. _

"That's better." Quinn peered over the music stand. "Want to play this for me? If you want female vocals, I'm happy to help but I don't sight read."

"Yeah, thanks." _Maybe then I'll stop hearing Rach's voice in my head. _He strummed the melody, nodding Quinn around the stand next to him.

_"I don't want to talk about it to you -_  
_I'm not an open book that you can rifle through._  
_The cold hard truth that you'll see right to -_  
_I'm just a basket case without you..."_

* * *

**A.N.**: Would you believe, this was going to be longer? I do hope you've enjoyed this update, and I'm working on the next one directly. I apologize yet again for the length of time between updates – I explained a bit more on my LJ, see profile for the address, but the bottom line is that updating more often is the goal, and will make us both happy.

And reviews make me happy too. ;)

Love you guys.


	11. Under My Skin

**A.N:** This chapter was almost going to be too long for ffnet. I ended up cutting early, wanted to get them all the way through college, but I think you'll like where it ends. I know I do. Sets up the next chapter nicely. As always, thank you for your patience and your reviews. For your reference, there's a timeline at the end of the chapter. ;) Hope you enjoy.

_Suggested listening: Wait, Alexi Murdoch;_ _Fade to Black, Alexz Johnson; Winter Winds, Mumford & Sons; Sigh No More, Mumford & Sons__;__Blinding, Florence + the Machine; Breathe Again, Sara Bareilles; Rainbow, Elisa; Words, Scars on 45;__Chocolate, Snow Patrol; Strange and Beautiful, Aqualung; I'll Find a Way, Rachael Yamagata; Under My Skin, Rachael Yamagata; Still Love, Holly Brook;_ _Like Blood Like Honey, Holly Brook; The Hardest Part, Coldplay; Out from Under, Britney Spears; Your Ex-Lover (Is Dead), Stars; Wanderful, Jericho_

* * *

**Chapter 10: Under My Skin**

_**January: Noah's junior year, Rachel's sophomore year**_

Cory handed her the cup. "Pomegranate with _actual_ pomegranate seeds, Fig Newton chunks, and dates. And chocolate syrup. Interesting choice."

Rachel accepted it with a small smile. "I know. Don't ask. Random minutiae."

* * *

**Puck tossed her a pomegranate and gestured towards the kitchen. "Here, sit down. Gotta refuel."**

**"What are you doing?" Rachel sat at the side of the counter.** _**Domestic, Noah? You don't do domestic.**_

* * *

_Stop it. _She leaned over and kissed Cory's cheek. "Thank you."

He shrugged. "You're welcome. It's just cool to be one of the few who you hang with. You're like, _notorious_ at school now. No one graduates Juilliard early, but you're totally gonna do it."

_Yes, I am. _Rachel tucked her hair behind her ear and took a spoonful. "Well, it's been lovely working with you and I thought this would be a nice way to spend a Friday afternoon. Before things get crazy for my senior year."

"Aren't they _always _crazy with you?" Cory took a bite of his original with Cap'n Crunch. "Not to be mean or anything but...you're ridiculous, Rachel."

Rachel looked down into her cup, dipping her spoon in to swirl the deep purple red specks through.

* * *

**Puck shrugged, opening the fruit and scraping the seeds onto the plate. "It's this ridiculous shit with my mom and my Nana.** **Actually, everything about them is ridiculous, especially now that Ma goes to temple to pray for me." He smirked, shrugging.** **"Nana bothers Ma sometime in the** **beginning of the year about** **some Jewish harvest or tree festival.** **So, she gets all these fruits, then she forgets all about them. I learned to check for 'em, since I actually like these." He popped a seed into her mouth. "You know, they say this is the food of the gods?" He traced her lower lip with his thumb.**

* * *

Rachel swallowed hard. _Stop it, Rachel! _She shook herself. "Not everything," she managed, clearing her throat and turning her attention back to the melting mass in her cup. She licked her lips.

* * *

_**"I'd believe it." **_**She darted her tongue out to lick at his fingers.** _**Rachel!**_ _**"**__**How do you know that anyway?"**_ _**Have you lost your mind?**_

**He rounded the counter to slide his hands under her shirt and hoist her up onto it, leaning into her ear. "'Cause I** _**am**_ **one," he murmured, nipping her earlobe before licking a hot line down her neck. "Sex God of McKinley High, baby..."**

* * *

Rachel blinked, dropping her spoon into the empty cup. "That was lovely, Cory, thank you. Are you finished?" _And can _I _be finished with Noah Puckerman?_

"Yeah, I'm good. Walk you home?" Cory grabbed her cup, tossing both in the garbage and holding out a hand.

She took it warily, smiling tightly. _Don't get any ideas, Cory..._

"So, I guess I'll see you Monday." He kissed her cheek as they arrived at her building. "Have a good weekend, Rach." He waving as he walked back to the subway.

_Look at you socializing, Rachel._ She opened the door to the building with a small smile.

"Package, Ms. Berry." The doorman held out a priority mail box.

_Here we go again. _She frowned at it before signing and taking it, gathering the rest of the mail. "Thank you, Michael."

"It's marked 'perishable', Ms. Berry, so be careful."

"Thank you." _Perishable?_ She shook the box lightly as she rode the elevator. _Doesn't feel like a cake or anything._ She let herself into the apartment and tossed the rest of the mail on the table. _Do I want to know?_ A glance at the postmark confirmed it. _Noah_. She carefully opened the box and withdrew a bag wrapped in tissue paper and a post-it.

_**Sent this priority to make sure it reached you in time. Enjoy them. - Noah**_

She removed the tissue to expose a bag of dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds. _Damn it, Noah._ Heaving a sigh, Rachel dropped the bag on the kitchen table.

* * *

Noah sighed. _Damn it. Not right._ He erased the last measure, and dropped the pencil on the stand, leaning back and rubbing his hands over the back of his head. _The fuck is missing?_ He hummed the bar, and groaned. "Female fucking vocalist. Shit. I'm gonna have to fly Quinn to New York with me for NYU," he muttered. _Too bad you can't have Rachel sing for you._ He snorted. _That's for fucking sure._ He frowned at the sheet music. "Should I?"

Blowing out a breath, Noah pulled up the Juilliard website, clicking over to the admissions requirements. "Audition. Dates." He frowned as he read. "What the - pre-screening?" _Must be pre-screened to audition. And the deadline. It _just _passed. _He slammed his hands on the desk, spinning away. "Fuck."

"Noah? Are you all right?" Ilana called, climbing the stairs. "What is it?"

He scratched the back of his head as she walked into the room. "Sorry, Ma. I'm just - it's like the whole fu- thing with Rachel. Just a little too late." _That shit can't keep happening by the time I get there. _He spun the laptop towards her. "I, uh...I was gonna try for Juilliard," he said quietly.

"You were - oh, Noah!" Ilana leaned closer to the computer. "Last week?"

"Yeah. Like I said - just a little too late." _The fucking story of my life. Just close enough that I feel like shit._

Ilana eyed him cautiously. "Would you - could you call Rachel?"

_Are you fucking serious?_ He stared at her blankly. "Um, no." _That'd be fun. Hey Rach, can you pull some strings so I can audition? I think it'd be awesome if we went to the_ _same school._

"Well, I had to ask," his mother said, rolling her eyes. "How about Mr. Schuester? Would _he _know anyone?"

"I -" _Well, shit. _"You know, I don't know, Ma. He kept trying to talk me into applying. I just - I don't know. I didn't know if I was good enough for Juilliard."

His mother poked him in the shoulder. "Good enough for _Juilliard_ or good enough for _Rachel?"_ she teased. "Whatever, don't answer, just go call your other Will." She dropped a kiss on his head. "Let me know what happens."

* * *

"What are those?" Dan sat across from Rachel at the table, raising a brow. "You're looking at them like you want to hug them and throw them away. I'm sensing..."

"A care package? That would be the correct assessment, Dad." Rachel sighed. _And an easy one to make, since I react this way every single time._ "He's unbelievable." She passed him the bag of seeds.

* * *

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Noah dropped into a seat at the kitchen table, waving to his mother. _Gotta get my hearing checked._ "You - you sent -"

"I sent in a recording for pre-screening at Juilliard." Will Schuester's smile was clear in his voice. "We had done a few takes that I thought sounded good. I passed it to an old professional colleague of mine, told her to screen it with the rest, let me know the results. If you decided to apply, there wouldn't be a problem. And if you didn't, I would've kept it to myself until I needed to tell you. Heck, _if_ I needed to tell you. _This _is the best case scenario."

"Un-fucking-believable." Noah shook his head as she squeezed his shoulder. "I can't - why would you do that, Mr. Schue?" _People keep taking chances on me..._

"Because I've been working with you for a year, Noah, and you're really talented. Why _wouldn't _I? I knew you wanted to go to school in New York, I just expanded the field. It's a stamp and a phone call. I'd do it again. And look how well it worked out. Come by the apartment tomorrow, I'll give you the letter and you can fill out the rest of the application."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Schue." _This is fucking unreal. _"And um..." He swallowed down the lump in his throat. "Thanks."

"No problem, Noah. My pleasure."

* * *

"Thanks." Dan picked out a seed, examining it before tasting it. "Oh, that's delicious! He's got good taste." He snatched the bag closer. "Honey, after..." He leaned back in his chair, making a show of counting. "What's it been, five?"

"This makes six," she muttered. _Damn him._

"Six - wow, that's dedication for a boy - in a month and a half, I don't find it so unbelievable anymore." He grabbed another handful of seeds.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "What good is this kind of dedication? What am I missing here? I don't respond. I don't send him packages. I don't even read or listen or look or..._whatever." Much._

"Sweetheart, I don't even have to consult with your father on this one." He pushed the bag back towards her and stood. "That lovely set of archival quality storage boxes we bought you tells me exactly what good it is to him." Dropping a kiss on her head, he squeezed her shoulder on his way out. "You didn't _return _anything either. See you in the morning for the tour."

Grumbling, she grabbed the bag and stalked to the bedroom to sit on the floor. _No, I didn't. I couldn't._ Rachel popped a seed in her mouth as she tugging the boxes out from under the bed, opening the first. She smoothed her hand over the CD case. _Never made it past the first minute and a half._ Laying that aside, she pulled out the sealed large manila envelope, flipping it to the front to see "Photo inside" stamped repeatedly. _Don't want to know._ She sighed at the next envelope, marked Private. _Moment of weakness..._She opened it to withdraw the letter, unfolding the worn paper. Closing her eyes, she conjured his voice in her head with a hitching sigh.

_**"Hey Rach. I hear you're not reading these and that's**_ _**okay. I wonder whether the markings actually make a difference. I should ask Will.**_

_**I miss your lips. I miss you sighing my name. I miss how you fit in my arms. I'm sorry I was an ass. I promise I'm**_ _**a better man now, and that's because of you. Just thought you deserved to know."**_

_No signature, nothing._ She replaced the letter and swiped at her cheeks. _Not that I needed it._

She pulled the folder from the pile, opening it to run her fingers down the notes. _Still writing beautiful music. Damn it._ Rachel sang softly.

_"Feel I'm on the verge of some great truth__Where I'm finally in my place.  
__But I'm fumbling still for proof  
__And it's cluttering my space  
__Casting shadows on my face_

_Though I have the strength to move a hill,  
__I can hardly leave my room.  
__So I'll sit perfectly still,  
__And I'll listen for a tune  
__While my mind is on the moon..."_

Rachel closed the file, exhaling. _And I couldn't help but open it._ _Packaging_. She shook her head at the front cover. _**Sheet music. Confidential.**_ _He knew I couldn't help but open it. And he got someone else to write the label._

She secured the lid back on the box and opened the next, looking down at the shrunken Space Bag stored inside. Reaching underneath it, she pulled the envelope out and removed the card.

A simple New York City skyline decorated the front. The back was blank but for heavy black pen strokes. _**"Heard it gets chilly out there. Figured you could use this more than I could. Looked better on (and off) you anyway."**_

Pressing her lips together, she shoved the card back inside, and pushed both the papers and the McKinley sweatshirt under the bed again. _At least this I can get some use out of._ Grabbing the bag, she threw herself onto the bed, popping pomegranate seeds. _Just don't think about him. Focus on the school tours tomorrow. _She took her spreadsheet of graduate programs from her nightstand. _No use looking back._

* * *

"I'm back, Ma. Mr. Schue says hello." Tossing the application on the table, Noah sank into a chair. _Friday, I was just hoping NYU liked me. Saturday, I'm applying to motherfucking Juilliard._ "Do you think I'm crazy?" He looked at his mother, rubbing his hands over his face. "Going to New York, to Rachel's school. Is it - is that too much?"

"Is that -" Ilana shoved his shoulder. "Noah, you're asking your Jewish mother. You want an unbiased opinion, you'll have to call the professional."

Noah laughed, rolling his eyes. _Like I_ _wasn't gonna call anyway? _"Yeah, true. If I left it to you -"

"We would've made your trip a mitzvah at temple." She kissed his cheek. "Listen to me. If you're trying for Juilliard just to mess with her, that's not fair to them or her or you. If you think you would be happy there yourself, without her? Then by all means."

He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "But it's..._Juilliard."_ _And I'm still just_ _me._

"So? They can say no. But they can't say yes if you don't try. And they already _did _say yes, they _want _to hear more."

Raising a brow, he nodded. _Well, shit. She's right._ _I gotta remember that. _"I'm gonna have to call Will. The original one."

"Tell him hello, sweetheart, and that I hope one day we'll have a reason to see each other again." She waggled her eyebrows.

"Ma!" _Fuck, she's worse than I am. _Noah glared at his mother.

"Oh, please. She's Rachel Berry. Any Jewish mother in this town would be hoping the same." Ilana handed him the landline. "Come find me if you want to talk after."

_I think you've said enough, Ma. _Shaking his head, he dialed.

* * *

Will paused as his phone rang, looking up from his paperwork to answer it. "Hello, Noah."

"Hi, Will." _How's Rachel?_ "How are you?" _Huh. _He sat up straighter in his chair with a smile. _I actually care about his answer too. I'm actually liking someone's parents. Holy shit._

"Fine, son, just doing some administrative work before Rachel and Dan get back from another school tour."

He rubbed a hand down his face. _Damn it, Rach. _"She's still graduating early?"

"Oh, absolutely. She's looking at graduate programs. Well, she's _been_ looking at programs. This is her narrowing it down."

"Um, that's kind of what I'm calling about, actually. Music programs. At different schools. Still in New York City." _Fuck, I sound like a jackass._ "Well, one in particular."

Will rolled his eyes. "Spit it out, Noah."

"I want to audition at Juilliard." He rushed the words out, closing his eyes. _Tell me I'm not crazy. Or that I am. Something._

Will pinched the bridge of his nose. "Of course you do," he muttered. He took a deep breath. "Juilliard."

"Yes, sir." _Shit! Sir? Again?_ He slapped himself on the forehead. "I just...I never thought I was...y'know, like, good enough for Juilliard."

"So then why now?"

_Yeah, why now, Puckerman? _He blew out a breath. "Because even if I don't get in, the only voice I hear singing in my head lately is Rachel's," he quietly confessed.

"Oh, Noah." Will leaned back in his chair, smoothing a hand over his face before continuing. "Noah, I don't know about this."

"I know. I don't either. But Ma was saying if I could be happy there without Rachel, then I have to try. And as much as I love her -" _Puckerman!_ "-voice, love her voice -" _The fuck is wrong with you._

"Noah, I know you love my daughter," Will laughed. "Relax. You were saying?"

_Of course he fucking knows, Puckerman._ "It's Juilliard. I wanna do music stuff. Mr. Schue sent in a CD of my stuff and they invited me to audition. If they're willing to let me, I gotta try." _Got nothing to lose by it, and just about everything to gain._

"There now. Was that so difficult? You want to do it for yourself. In that case, I'll wish you luck. When are you in town?"

"Well, auditions are the end of February, pretty much everywhere. I think Mr. Schue is coming with me or putting me up with a friend of his." _Because getting me the audition isn't enough. _He shook his head.

"You know we'd offer, but -"

Noah burst out laughing. _That would be fucking nuts._"Yeah, that'd work." He rubbed a hand over his mouth. "Did she get -"

"The seeds? Yes. You know, it's really interesting symbolism."

"Huh?" _Symbolism?_

Will laughed. "How well do you know your Greek myths?"

"Some general stuff. Like pomegranates are the food of the gods." _And are easy to mail in chocolate covered form._

"Well, they're also very significant in a particular myth, Hades and Persephone. You should take a look sometime. In any event, I think I hear the door, so I'm going to go debrief. Let me know what your plans are, and if the lodging becomes an issue, let me know, we'll see what we can do."

Noah shook his head. "Will, I - I really appreciate all you've already done. I just - I can't believe you'd be so good to me after..." _After I broke Rachel's heart._

"Noah, you've taken great strides and gone to great lengths to prove you're not that guy anymore. And no matter what Rachel may say, I can see the fractures in her. She is going to have to face whatever may be left between you two, and she still hasn't, not really. In the long run, helping you helps her. When you get here, when you two talk - and I know you'll talk, it's inevitable - I want you both in a place where you can both talk and listen. And you're there. Why wouldn't I help? Lest you forget, she _told_ me to."

Sighing, Noah booted up his computer. "Yeah, I know. And that _still _shocks the shit out of me." _Especially knowing how much I hurt her._

"Then maybe you don't know her as well as you think, Noah, because it doesn't shock me a bit," Will said proudly. "I'll talk to you soon, son, and good luck."

"Thanks, Will. Tell everyone hello." _And tell Rach I'm coming back to her as fast as I can. _He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

Will chuckled. "You know, the scary part of that is I will, and that includes Lori and Connor, apparently."

Noah laughed. _What a fucked up world._"Yeah, well, I don't think Connor is a fan, but Lori's actually pretty awesome."

"Daddy?" Rachel called down the hallway. "I think Dad and I have a winner." _And I have something to aim at again, a purpose to keep me centered and focused._

"Just a minute, baby girl," Will called. "Look, Noah, we'll talk soon, all right?"

Noah closed his eyes. _Rachel._"Yeah, sorry, tell her hello, and I'll talk to you later. Thanks." _For more than you know._

"Not a problem." Will hung up and went to join Rachel in the living room. "What's up, buttercup?"

Rachel grinned. _I love my parents._ "Daddy! You haven't said that since I was a baby." She kissed his cheek. "Busy morning?"

"Paperwork, and a little Noah. He says hello."

"Oh." _Of course. It's as though he has surveillance on me sometimes..._Rachel cleared her throat. "How - how is he?"

"You know you could always call him or read those letters and find out, right?" Will nudged her. "He's fine. But I'm sure the care packages tell you a lot more than I could."

_That's what I'm afraid of. _Rachel sighed, leaning on his shoulder. "I know, Daddy, but...I just - I can't." _It's too painful._She closed her eyes. "Those letters...those packages...those are all the work of the man that I knew was in him all along. It's just two years too late. So while I want to read, and listen, and know...it hurts." _Every single time._

Will held her to his chest, dropping a kiss on her head. "I know, sweetheart, but I'll tell you this. You're not alone in that."

Swallowing hard, Rachel nodded. _Except that I didn't ask him to break my heart and I didn't break _his _heart either - he broke both all by himself._

Her father squeezed her tightly, pulling back to look into her face. "So, school tours?"

* * *

Noah frowned at the screen. _What the hell am I supposed to be searching for?_ He pointed the browser to Google, rubbing his hands over his face. _Something about pomegranate seeds and Hades..._He snorted. _Wiki. Figures._ He clicked the link and skimmed.

"Persephone...Underworld...kidnapped? Kinda badass. Oh, shit." He moved closer to the screen, running his finger along the line. _Am I reading this right?_ "It was the rule of the Fates that anyone who consumed food or drink in the Underworld was doomed to spend eternity there. Persephone had no food, but Hades tricked her into eating six pomegranate seeds while she was still his prisoner...six months." He sat back from the screen. _Holy fucking shit. Totally not what I meant._ He smirked. "But I wonder..." He flipped his phone open to send a text message.

* * *

Will nodded. "So, dual major with music theatre and music business. That actually makes sense."

"Precisely, so I won't have to be concerned about being taken advantage of." _Not in the _professional _context anyway..._Rachel bit back her frown. _Focus on the topic._ "I will have the knowledge _myself_ of what a favorable contract looks like. Accordingly, NYU seems to be the best fit. The Steinhardt program is well-regarded, and I believe I would have little difficulty with admissions." _Especially not with the single-minded focus I intend to apply to the task._

"Well, looks like we have a plan then," Dan said.

Will nodded again, frowning quickly as his phone vibrated. He checked the display to find a text.

**How many did she eat?**

Will swallowed his laughter. "Rachel, honey, are there any more of those seeds left?"

_They didn't survive, not chocolate covered and deliciously reminiscent as they were._She pressed a hand to her breastbone briefly with a bittersweet smile. "No, Daddy...I can get you more though, I'm sure." Rachel reflexively licked her lips.

Will typed back and hit 'send' before turning back to her. "No, it's fine."

* * *

Noah lunged for his phone as it danced across the desk and flipped it open, dropping into the seat to read the reply.

**The whole bag.**

He laughed until he lost his breath. _I'm coming, Rach. I'm coming for you._

* * *

_**February**_

"How're you feeling, Noah?" Will Schuester clapped him on the shoulder. "Ready?"

_Ready? _Noah shrugged. _I don't know if I'm ever gonna be ready for this._"Yeah, I guess."

"And you're all set with a place to stay - Robert always goes away that last weekend in February, he'll leave the key with the doorman, just show your ID."

"I know, thanks. Got NYU first, then Juilliard. Everyone else is getting the recording I sent Juilliard." _Only one actual in person audition, and one in person interview. Totally got this._

Will nodded thoughtfully. "Sounds like a plan."

"Yeah, I..." Noah swallowed. _Fuck it._"I don't know, Mr. Schue, I'm getting...I'm getting _nervous."_ _Stupid fucking shit._ "It's..."

"Scary?"

"Fucking _terrifying."_ Noah shook his head. _Badass, Puckerman, what the fuck happened to badass?_

"What's so terrifying? You've performed in front of audiences before, you've performed semi-indecent things in front of bigger groups before. You're just playing your music, Noah. And that's only for NYU - Juilliard _wants _a recording, you just have to _talk _about it. What's to be afraid of?"

_That I can't get to her. _He pressed his palms to his eyes. "The first time...fuck, I didn't really expect to get anywhere. So the rejection was no surprise, and it didn't even really phase me. I wasn't even there. They didn't reject _me._ But this time, it counts, y'know? I've really been working on it. And I have to sit there across from the - whatever the fuck, judges, professors, whoever - while I play or talk about songs I wrote from the shit I've been through." _Past tense? Really, Puckerman?_ _Like you're not still in the thick of it._

"That's exactly what they're _hoping _to hear, Noah, I promise." Will peered casually at the sheet music on the stand as he continued. "So, is Rachel showing you around the city?"

"What?" _What the fuck is he asking me about Rachel for? _He scoffed at himself. _Maybe because all of Lima knows she's in New York?_ "Uh, no, I um, I didn't - I'm not there for long, Quinn and I did that tourist stuff when we were there."

"You don't have to downplay it, Noah, I've been working on these songs with you." Will sat across from him. "Does Rachel know you're in love with her?"

"Wait, what?" _When the fuck did everyone learn to see through me?_

"Give me your portfolio, then, and tell me I'm wrong." Will smiled. "I've listened to these songs, I've sung them with you. Noah, it's pretty obvious." He paused, frowning briefly. "_Quinn _knows, doesn't she."

He nodded. _Shit._ "Yeah, she knows. She's known since we were in New York."

"You're trying to get back to Rachel. Does she know that at least? Have you talked to her?"

"I tried, she doesn't want to. Not until I'm there. So that's what I'm aiming for."

"And that's why you're scared." Will sighed. "Look, if there's anything I've learned about love, through all that crap with Terri and now that I'm with Emma...Love takes a lot of faith. You've got to have faith in yourself before it's going to work with anyone else. And I've seen that faith in you. You know these songs are good. All you're going to do is perform them, talk about them. You know what your music is. Don't think about too much more than that."

"When the fuck did I lose my edge?" Noah snorted a laugh. _I'm getting romantic advice from the guy with the psycho ex-wife. _"I was the fucking _man_ in high school, and now I'm the one chasing after a girl."

Will laughed. "Noah, you haven't lost anything. You just found the right girl to get you motivated to grow up. You weren't 'the man', you were in _high school _- definitely ahead of the curve, but you still had a lot to learn. That's what life is, a long process of growing up and figuring out who you want to be and how to get there. In your case, it seems like you've found that out. She just pointed the way."

"And I just saw it too late." _And fucked it all up along the way._ Noah shrugged. "Mind running this with me again?"

"Not at all. One of my favorites."

Noah grabbed his guitar and began to sing.

_"Far off in the distance your lighthouse shines for  
__those who dare approach your cold rocky shore  
__Somewhere in your gardens, I'm hangin' on  
__Right outside of Babylon_

_Around the world, seven wonders I've wandered through  
__this selfish fantasy  
__searching for you  
__Buildings will crumble and statues will fall  
__but I still find it wanderful,  
__selfish and all..."_

* * *

"Noah, is that you?" Ilana stuck her head out of the kitchen to peer at the door. "How was rehearsal?"

"It was fine." He set his guitar case down at the foot of the stairs. "I'm freaking out, I think."

"Get in here."

_Oh, shit. Maybe I shouldn't have said that..._Noah cautiously approached. "Yeah, Ma."

Ilana shoved his shoulder. "Don't give me that garbage, you're fine. You're nervous about her, about her reaction."

_Well, fuck._ "Can you blame me? If she's at the auditions -"

"Do you know for certain about that? That she's helping for them?"

_Like_ _I wouldn't find out for sure? _"Yeah, I emailed Will my itinerary and asked him, he said she's a volunteer assistant."

"And are you sure about this going alone? I'm sure I can convince someone to let Sarah sleep over and -"

"Ma, no. Thanks, but no. Money is tight enough around here, no need to waste it." _Save it for if I get in._

"I wouldn't consider it a waste, Noah." She kissed his cheek. "You let me know."

"Ma, I'll be fine. Mr. Schue's friend is out of town, I'll crash there. All I'm doing is eating, sleeping, rehearsing and auditioning. It's nothing exciting." _Unless I get to Rach. And then I definitely don't want you there. _

Ilana sniffed dismissively. "Says you. I happen to disagree."

_**"Here's a surprise, I disagree."**_

_Rach_...He sighed. "I know, Ma, but it'll be fine." _And hopefully_ _I_ _get a_ _free ride, or a_ _lot_ _of scholarships..._"Thanks for talking me down. Between you, Will and Mr. Schue, you're absolutely right. I'm good. It's about fucking time." He caught his mother's disapproving look. "Sorry, language, I know."

She shook her head. "That look wasn't for the colorful choice of words. It's because you're right. It's _past_ time."

* * *

_**Late February**_

"Last audition is running late with technical difficulties on the recording playback, J, want me to call the next?" Rachel glanced at the girl chewing her fingernails just beyond the doorway. "The 9:45 is beyond ready. She's come up to me several times." _And I'm about to tell her that she's slightly flat on everything below her break, and is diminishing her chance of being accepted_ _by incessantly pestering me._

"Sure, let's take her. But just be sure you skip the practice rooms till later." She tossed her hair over her shoulder and gave Rachel a half-smile. "Quinn is running that sign-up list, I'd rather you not disrupt it until your full break later."

_And Quinn already finds me distasteful. It must be the name. _"You know me too well, J." _Though this time, I can enjoy the animosity - knowing its source is my dominance here._Rachel smiled. "I can wait."

"Good. Behind me, flip through the scores, help critique. You get a break around noon, let's see how many worthwhile candidates we see before then."

Rachel giggled and took her seat. _This should be entertaining._ The nervous young girl took the stage. Rachel flipped through the music in front of her as the recording began.

* * *

_"But it was not your fault but mine  
__and it was your heart on the line  
__I really fucked it up this time  
__didn't I, my dear?  
__didn't I, my dear?"_

_But I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna do it right. _Noah lowered his hands from the guitar, clearing his throat and looking out at the panel. _First I gotta get here._

"Thank you, Mr. Puckerman, and I'm glad that you decided to try us again. And this is all original work? Not even sampling?"

_You fucking kidding?_ Noah shook his head. "No, sir, totally original."

"And someone plays the banjo, I see?"

"Uh, yes, sir." _Don't judge. _Noah cleared his throat. "This is the acoustic version, but I also hear a richer instrumentation in my head, and that's the score you have." _Nice, Puckerman, you sound like you know what you're talking about. All that prep did something._

"Hmm. Fair enough, thank you again." Taking off his glasses, the head of the panel smiled. "Please watch for our decision in the mail."

"Thank you for your consideration." Noah stood, smiling and inclining his head slightly as he walked from the stage. _Well, one down, right?_ He exhaled heavily, rolling his shoulders. _And this wasn't even the major one._He glanced down at the time on his cell. _Time enough to grab lunch, then my Juilliard_ _interview at 12:30. And then, Rachel, hopefully..._

* * *

"I truly believe that music is the best vehicle with which to express my creativity. I think Juilliard would be an excellent fit because its program is highly regarded and will encourage me to grow." The young man's voice sounded void of enthusiasm, quavering just slightly.

_Right. You and everyone else. At least I didn't lie about wanting to be a star and seeing Juilliard as the stepping stone to that. _Rachel flipped through the sheet music, stopping at a familiar looking hand. _That seems like - Stop it, Rachel, it can't be._ She scrutinized the staff paper. _But it - the handwriting actually appears alarmingly like -_ She looked up, clapping as the rest of the audience did. _Thank goodness, I need a break from this. I'm losing my mind. That man across Union Square last week was not him. The package of pomegranate seeds was a coincidence, not any other symbolism._ She swallowed a bemused snort. _And if it were, I'm sure he didn't mean it the way in which I interpreted it. Where he may think he is claiming me, I am taking the warrior's stance of invincibility, I am arming myself against him. Though not for battle._She leaned forward towards the table. "Don't all the rehearsed answers make you insane? They sound like pageant contestants. How do you all do this all day?"

Ms. Jacobsen chuckled. "We get paid to. Go take your break, Rachel. Sorry we're running so late on that, the tech crew really needs to overhaul the wiring."

She nodded and stood. "May I use the practice room _now?" I have to clear my mind. I'm starting to see him everywhere._

Rolling her eyes, her choir director nodded. "Go. Take the sign ups from Quinn, but go ahead."

Rachel snatched up her bag and hurried down the hallway. _I should have a solid half hour to myself, to sing and to center myself..._

* * *

"Next." Tricia Jacobsen looked down at her clipboard. "Noah Puckerman?"

_Fuck. She's not here. What do I do?_ He stepped forward to take his spot. "Good afternoon."

"Good afternoon. You've sent your recording on CD?"

_This time, yeah. _"Yes ma'am, you should have it."

"Cue the recording please?" She tilted her head, waiting for the tech crew to comply. "The next recording?"

"The playback isn't working. We're checking a wire, please stand by." The voice came over the speakers, annoyed.

"Technology. Why do we bother..." Jacobsen sighed, shaking her head. "My apologies."

Noah sat, wiping his palms against his slacks. _Like I wasn't already panicked about this. We get to sit here and stare at each other for a while._

"Anything?" Ms. J tossed her pencil down on the table. _"Is_ there a wire?"

"We're searching for the short, we're very sorry, but this is a complicated job." The tech crew clicked off again.

_Channel your inner diva, Puckerman, it's your only shot._ "Actually, with your permission, so we don't hold up the process anymore -" _since you're already an hour behind_ "- I could perform live. I just auditioned at NYU, so I'm warmed up and ready. In fact, if - if Rachel Berry is available, I don't think it should be a problem. She and I went to school together, I know she'd pick this up easily."

Ms. Jacobsen took off her glasses and ran a hand through her hair, looking at him skeptically. "It's been a strange morning, I'll bite. Quinn, could you go grab Rachel from Practice Room 3?"

_Quinn?_ Noah bit back a laugh as a slim redhead peeked in from the hall. _And from the look on her face, the chick is jealous of Rach. She must love that._ "I appreciate it. If you'd like to get the score from the portfolio, the piece is called 'Your Ex-Lover'."

Tricia Jacobsen tilted her head, regarding him curiously. "Sounds intriguing."

* * *

_Time to reclaim this song once and for all._ "Hey, Mr. Arnstein…here I am…" Rachel held the note out, closing her eyes and letting her voice reverberate. "I'll march my band out...I'll beat my drum, and if I'm fanned out - your turn at bat, sir - at least I didn't fake it - " She cut off at a knock. Turning towards it, she opened the door. "Quinn?"

The other girl huffed, rolling her eyes. "J wants you onstage."

"What?" Rachel frowned. _I thought I was on break._ "What's going on, is everything all right?"

"Look, she wants you onstage. Go or not, I did my job." She spun on her heel and stalked off.

"Not my fault Cory prefers to carry a torch for me than date you," Rachel muttered, gathering up her music. _What could J need me for? Maybe she forgot something in the office? But why would she ask for me onstage?_ Handing Quinn the clipboard with a syrupy sweet smile, Rachel headed back to her original post.

* * *

"Give her two minutes," Tricia said, gesturing the panel up. "Go get a cup of tea if you like."

Noah sat on the side of the stage, shadowed by curtains. _Just chill, Puckerman. It'll be fine. _His heart raced as he tried to tune his guitar. _She's gonna be shocked. But she'll do it. She'll sing. It's Rachel._

Rachel took a long drink from her thermos of tea, purring quickly to prep her voice before stepping onto the stage. _If I'm on the stage, I'm going to be ready to perform._"Ms. J? You needed me?"

"The playback broke down again, Rachel, and our next audition actually specifically requested -"

"Rachel." His voice was soft. _Focus, Puckerman, you are not going to grab her. _"Rach."

Her head whipped to the side. _No. No, this can't be._

_You are still so fucking beautiful. _He stood slowly, holding out a hand. "How about now? I'm here."

"Mr. Puckerman here doesn't want to hold up our audition schedule, and is offering to perform live if you'd sight read for him. Apparently you went to school together?"

"I wrote this for you," he said quietly. "Everything I've written lately has been for you." _Did you listen to the CD? Even a little?_

_Answer your director, Rachel. _"We - we did," she managed. _He's - why is he - this is - I can't, he can't be here, he just can't..._

He held out sheet music, swallowing hard. _Here goes the entire audition._ "Sing with me?"

_With you? Your music? _She took it from his hand reflexively. "I -" _can't, don't make me..._

Jacobsen glanced between the two with a small smile. "Can you pick up the harmonies?"

She looked down at the music. _This is gorgeous. _"Yes, I - I think I can, b-bu-"

"Fantastic, let's get back underway." She waved the other faculty back to their seats. "Whenever you're ready, and then you can take your break, Rachel, you and Mr. Puckerman can catch up. Your singing test is in a couple of weeks, you can take some time to chat with a friend."

_I don't - but - _She avoided his eyes and focused on the score before her.

_She's here. She's right here. _He reached across to point out her entrance, brushing her hand with his. _Rachel_...

She shivered, her breath speeding up. _You're almost a professional, Rachel Berry. You pull yourself together. And do not think about why. Not now. Focus._ "Thank you," she murmured tightly. "Will you cue me in?"

He licked his lips. _Anything. _"I'll give you a cue, but you'll feel the entrance when I hit the chord."

She nodded. "Ready whenever you are." _To sing. Nothing more. I can perform with anyone._

Noah watched her intently. _I hope that's true, Rach, because I'm not giving up. _He played the intro, drawing a breath before he started to sing.

_"God that was strange to see you again  
__Introduced by a friend of a friend  
__Smiled and said yes I think we've met before  
__In that instant it started to pour..."_

Rachel fought the urge to shake her head.

* * *

_**"Yeah, um, hey, Puck, it's Rachel, why don't you guys talk?"**_** Mercedes turned a panicked gaze to the brunette diva.**

_**"Noah? What is it?"**_** As Mercedes turned away, Rachel cupped his face in her hands. **_**"Noah -"**_

**He dragged her from the school, slamming into the truck and speeding off to the reservoir. He parked and started tearing at her clothes. **_**"Rachel..."**_

_**What is going on? "Noah, I'm here."**_** She grabbed a blanket behind them, stripping her bra and his shirt away to press against him. **_**I don't know what's wrong, but I'm here, Noah...**_

**He pushed and pulled, tugged and marked, before rolling on a condom and sinking inside her with a guttural moan. **_**"Rachel..."**_

**She tipped her head back on a gasp, a shiver rolling through her.**

_**"Fuck, yes, just like that...Let me see you..."**_** Puck stroked a thumb over her cheek, flipping her onto her back and turning her face to his. **_**"Open your eyes, Rach..."**_

**She forced her eyes open, glazed and hot on his. **_**"Noah..."**_

_**"Fuck, yes..."**_** He moved rhythmically into her, strokes coming harder as moans spilled from her lips. **_**"Yes, cum for me, let go, baby..."**_

_**"Noah!"**_** She arched and ground her hips into him, whimpering as her inner muscles milked him.**

_**"Rachel..."**_** He groaned and followed her over the edge**.

**Rachel clung to him, shuddering and catching her breath as thunder crashed. **_**What is going on? **_**She nuzzled into his neck with a sigh. **_**I'm here...**_

**He stroked her hair, watching outside as the sky darkened with clouds.** _**"I signed the papers."**_**Another crash of thunder, and rain poured down outside the truck. **_**"She's - she's right, they're good people. Mr. Schue and Pillsbury - they picked the right couple."**_

_**Oh, Noah...**_**Rachel stroked his chest under the blanket. **_**"I gathered there was some reason you dragged me from study hall. Not that I didn't enjoy it."**_

**He traced his hand from her hair down her spine, resting on the curve of her behind. **_**"If this is growing up, I don't ever fucking want to."**_

_**"I know,"**_** she whispered, pressing a kiss to his lips. She straddled him and closed her eyes, kissing him deeply. **_**I know you don't want to, Noah. And I hope I don't live to regret that.**_

* * *

Rachel inhaled shakily, skimming the words as her heart ached. _Damn it, Noah._ Licking her lips she started her verse.

_"This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin  
__You tried to reach deep but  
__you couldn't get in  
__Now you're outside me  
__You see all the beauty  
__Repent all your sin..."_

_Do you get it yet, Rachel? Do you hear me? _He joined her in the chorus.

A fist clenched in her chest as their voices effortlessly blended. _I forgot how beautiful we sounded together.._.

_"It's nothing but time and a face that you lose  
__I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose  
__I'll write you a postcard  
__I'll send you the news  
__From a house down the road from real love..."_

Connor's face flashed against her eyelids, Rachel shaking her head to clear it. _Damn you, Noah..._

He thought of Quinn and their disastrous relationship. _I know I made a mess, Rach, I swear._

_"Live through this, and you won't look back...  
__Live through this, and you won't look back...  
__Live through this, and you won't look back..._

She fought down her anger. _I sincerely hope you're right._

* * *

"Do you think he did?" Dan sank onto the couch, laying his head on Will's shoulder. "Have you spoken to him at all?"

"He texted to let me know he landed, and to check the directions from the apartment to both NYU and Juilliard." Will sighed. "As for whether he asked for Rachel, well...there's a reason I haven't gone anywhere, my darling, and as much as I love our lazy weekends, that's not why."

* * *

_You son of a -_ Rachel swallowed, stomach churning as she skimmed the rest of the song. _You really - this song absolutely is about - _She drew a deep breath, screwing up her courage to meet his gaze.

_"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave  
__You were what I wanted  
__I gave what I gave  
__I'm not sorry I met you  
__I'm not sorry it's over  
__I'm not sorry there's nothing to save_

_I'm not sorry there's _nothing _to save..."_

Rachel looked away as he played the instrumental ending, nausea and a vise around her heart threatening to bring her to her knees. _Be over. Please. So I can go, so I don't have to be here..._

As Noah strummed the last chord, the audience burst into applause. _I missed this. I missed us. So fucking much._ He grabbed Rachel's hand and kissed it, locking his gaze with her startled one. "Rachel -"

"Thank you, Rachel, if you wish to wait stage right, you can catch up in a moment," Ms. J interjected. "Mr. Puckerman, your other pieces can be performed solo, I would hope?"

"Actually, my best pieces were written for her," he confessed, looking at Rachel intently. _My best _everything _is because of her._ "She has been my muse, whether she knows or not, for the past two years. I would love you to hear another of my female vocal arrangements." _And I would love to hear her sing it._

Jacobsen looked between the two of them. "One more with Rachel. I want to see how well a male composer can arrange for the female voice. Show us something good, Mr. Puckerman."

"The piece is called Basket Case." _And I'm about to be one._ Rifling through his folder, he held another score out. "Please?"

Her hand trembled as she accepted the sheets, eyes scanning the page. _Damn you, Noah_...Gritting her teeth, she nodded. _Fine. I'll sing your song for now, and twist my words however you want._ _I'll show you how much I meant it. You're not in my life, Noah. You're not._ Taking a deep breath, she met his gaze head on and sang.

_"I don't want to talk about it to you -  
__I'm not an open book that you can rifle through.  
__The cold hard truth that you'll see right to -  
__I'm just a basket case without you..."_

_She's fucking pissed._ Noah grinned as he played, the fire in her eyes warming his heart. _I'm still under her skin, I'm still there..._

_The gall of him. To show up here, on my turf at my - who knew about this? _She narrowed her eyes at him quickly before looking down at the lyrics. _Oh my - _Her eyes flew up to his, the expression in his determined. _He does -_

_She finally sees, I get it. I do, Rach, I told you, I know what I've done._ He nodded and smirked, raising a brow in challenge.

She glared at him, fighting back laughter and tears. _Damn you, Noah Puckerman, how do you always do this to me? _She took a slow breath before shaking her head and singing the chorus, pouring her hurt into the words. _It's those phone calls, it's everything._

_"You're begging for the truth  
__So I'm saying it to you  
__I've been saving your place  
__What good does it do?  
__Now I'm just a basket case..."_

Noah closed his eyes, embellishing the runs as she sang the refrain one last time. _I told you I wrote these songs for you, Rach. _He dropped his hands again, opening his eyes to catch hers.

"Thank you, Rachel, stage right, if you please. And let's talk, Mr. Puckerman."

"Wait for me?" he whispered. _Now, later, for as long as it takes._.."Please?"

Rachel turned with a tight smile and left the stage. _Not a chance, Noah. Not a chance in the world._

_Shit_. Noah turned his attention to the panel with a forced smile. _She's gonna run._

* * *

"Did you know about this?" Rachel hissed into the phone. "Did you?" _I hope you tell me no..._

Lori gestured urgently at Connor, waving him over. "Rach, no, try me again. Noah is here? In New York?"

"In New York - _in my school! _On my stage! Performing for my professors!" She ran a hand through her hair, pacing the hall and glancing behind her._ I must leave the vicinity immediately. If I'm on break, I can go as I wish. _

"I - Rach, no, I didn't know he was here, or that he was auditioning for Juilliard. Can I - do you need me to do something?"

She rubbed her forehead. _Send my fairy godmother to fix my life. _"Bring a coat so I can leave without going back into the auditorium, so he has no opportunty to follow me?"

"Rach, I'm not bringing you a coat for your half-hour lunch break. What are you afraid of?"

"Getting my hopes up!" she burst out. _Rachel Berry! You stop it this instant._

* * *

"What do you hope to accomplish transferring here, Mr. Puckerman? Juilliard is serious. Are you ready to devote another entire undergraduate experience to music?"

He nodded. "Absolutely. I should have been pursuing this sooner, but I didn't have faith in my ability. I finally listened to the people around me who kept encouraging me, and now I can't imagine doing anything else." _Or anyone._

"And from your transcript, your current major is physical education."

"Yes, ma'am." _Thank fuck Schue prepped me for this_. "There actually is a lot of overlap - musicians have to be really fit to perform constantly. It takes a lot of bodily control - breath, posture, dexterity."

Ms. Jacobsen smiled. "That's a good answer to a question I didn't even ask."

_Shit, Puckerman, relax. _Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his head. "Well, people constantly ask what the f- heck I'm doing changing majors this close to graduating. So I've gotten used to defending myself."

"There's no need to defend yourself here, Mr. Puckerman. Let's talk about your process, and then you're free to find our Ms. Berry. I'm pretty certain I know where she'll be."

* * *

She took a deep breath, pacing before the wide windows. _Why won't anyone just let me forget about him?_ "I don't _want _to know, Lori, doesn't anyone see that? If he loved me, if he realized his mistake _now_...I don't want to know. Our moment has passed. Better to have loved and lost, my ass."

"Do you curse freely now or is it just me?" _Thank you, Tricia Jacobsen. _Noah swallowed, keeping his voice gently teasing. "I mean, really, Rach, you could've loosened up with me."

_Oh, no..._She fumbled the phone, dropping it and disconnecting the call.

* * *

"What the - she hung up! Right as Noah got to her." Lori chewed her lip. "Call back or wait?"

Connor shook his head. "Wait. It's yet another chapter in the chick flick."

"But - are you - I should call back to make sure she's okay." Lori started to dial.

Connor took the phone from her hand and closed it. "You know she's fine, Lor. He's not going to hurt her in any way if he can help it."

"Well, exactly. If he can help it." Lori draped her arms around her boyfriend's neck, sighing. "I just don't know if those two can help but hurt each other."

* * *

Rachel picked up the cell phone, hand shaking. _Damn it, Rachel, stop it_. "I do believe it might only be you." _In more ways than I care to admit._

_Turn around. _He smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets. "My bad influence, huh?"

"Something like that." She swallowed hard, turning to meet his gaze. "What are you doing here, Noah?" _Why can't you leave me alone?_

"Auditioning. I'm looking into music programs." _And looking into getting back to you. _He took a slow step towards her. "Someone told me I had a talent for it. Took me a while to get there, but I finally figured she's smarter than me, so I decided to give it a shot." _And hopefully get another shot at us. _He stepped closer again.

* * *

"What are you doing, Will? Sending me a soap opera?"

"Trish!" Will Schuester smiled wryly. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Noah Puckerman just auditioned for me, and I swear it was karma or something. Our playback failed - don't even ask, I ripped into the tech department already - and he says he can perform live if I can find Rachel Berry."

"Oh...oh, Trish..." Will shook his head.

"Well exactly!" She laughed, leaning back in her desk chair. "I didn't even think about it until he said the first piece was called 'Your Ex-Lover'."

His eyebrows flew to his hairline. "Oh, he pulled out the big guns on this..."

"No kidding. I couldn't figure out if Rachel was going to cry or scream, but it's the last piece of a puzzle I've been trying to put together since I started working with her."

Will raised a brow, tucking Emma under his arm on the couch. "What's that?"

"She came in and took the school by storm. Signed up for everything. I wanted to slow her down, not accept her on a few things, but I was persuaded otherwise by your recommendation and Dr. Dalton's. I just couldn't figure out why she was so determined to not stop."

"Well, to be fair, it took me a while to figure out that the two of them had been together, and then longer still to figure out that Noah was still in love with her. I'm guessing that Rachel is -"

" - still in love with him, absolutely." Tricia shook her head. "I wish you'd seen it, Will, why do you think I'm calling? The boy literally just left my stage, I sent him to her favorite corner of the building. Those songs. They really screwed each other up."

"Tell me about it. But I think, at least for him, it was a good thing in the end." Will sighed. "He's come a long way, Trish. Thanks for giving him a shot."

"My pleasure, Will. You'll have to come play on my turf out here."

"Hope to bring the kids that way sometime." He quickly said his goodbyes, kissing Emma with a smile. "Well, he made it. But he's a stranger in a strange land now."

* * *

_Do not back away, Rachel, stand your ground. _Your_ ground. He is on _your_ turf. _"Good for you. Best of luck with the audition, and safe travels." She turned to head back to the auditorium.

_Say something, she's gonna fucking walk away. _"You were right about everything, Rachel." He swallowed. _Fuck, this was easier on the phone._ "Everything. Me, Quinn, you. I -"

_No. No, no, no. _She froze, catching her breath. "I don't want to hear it, Noah. You've apologized, thank you very much, and now -"

"And now I'm here. I'm _right here,_ Rachel. Am I moving to New York? I'm sure as shit trying to. Schools are fucking expensive. And I'm not nearly as good as you are." He stepped towards her again. "Not even close." _I never was, but you make me better._

_It makes no difference. Not now. _She shook her head, talking as she walked away. "You have potential, Noah, and I wish you the best of luck. I was...impressed by your work. I'll be sure to let them know how -" She stopped walking and cleared her throat. "How talented you are." Taking a deep breath, she added quietly, "I always saw that in you." _I wish you had too._

"I know," he whispered. _You saw me clearer than I saw myself. _"I'm sorry I didn't get it the first time."

"I'm sorry as well." _More than I can ever express._ "But you said it yourself, Noah." Her smile was brittle. _You obviously heard what I was telling you. _"What good does it do? There's nothing here to save."

_Fuck it. _"How about to start?" He planted a hand on her shoulder, spinning her around to capture her mouth. _It's been too fucking long._

A whimper escaped her, hands clenching around his collar. _He feels - he tastes - I want -_

He wound his fingers through her hair, nipping at her lips. _Yes, fuck yes...this...you..._ "I missed you, Rachel," he murmured between kisses.

_Rachel!_ She shoved at his chest, a panicky noise in her throat. "No," she choked out, pushing him off. _Not again, you know better. Not again. _Rachel backed away, shaking her head. "I can't." She turned to walk quickly down the hall.

"I'm gonna try to change your mind," he called after her. "You know that." He licked his lips. _She kissed me back, I know she did. _"And you still taste like strawberries and tea. I missed that too."

"Goodbye, Noah." _You are unbelievable. Incorrigible and exasperating and...delicious_ - Rachel! She stomped down on the thought. _He's trying to get here_...She shook herself, walking faster.

"Catch you later, Rach." _As soon as I fucking can._ He rolled his neck and watched her stalk away.

* * *

"Hello, Noah." Waving Dan over, Will sat at the kitchen table. "How did it go?"

_Not as good as I wanted it to, but pretty fucking good for that._Noah grinned, retrieving his guitar as he left the building. "Better than I expected. You're gonna have to watch out for Rachel though."

* * *

"I cannot believe the gall of him!" Rachel smiled and waved at the security guard as she hid in a corner. _Look at me skulking to avoid him. _"And you knew nothing of this, Lor?"

"I swear I had no idea he was coming to town, Rach, let alone auditioning at Juilliard." Lori pressed her lips together, shooting a warning glance at Connor.

"But I bet Daddy knows." Rachel sighed, smoothing her hair. _I should've realized that sooner. _"I can't imagine he wouldn't have called. I just - why wouldn't Daddy warn me? Prepare me in some way?"

Lori took a deep breath. "Rach, how are you feeling right now?"

Rachel frowned. _What does that have to do with anything? _"I'm - I'm furious! He thinks he can just waltz back in and pick up where we left off? Before he ruined absolutely everything?" _That's not true and you know it, Rachel. He wants to start again. _

Lori frowned, raising a brow at Connor. "He really thinks that? That's insane. I thought he knew better than that, at the least." She covered the phone and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "She says Noah wants to pick up where they left off. I'm not buying it."

Rachel huffed. _Damn it. How did she know? _"Maybe that's not entirely accurate."

Lori smiled. "That's better then. What did he _actually _say?"

Rachel pursed her lips. _Exactly what you hope he said, I'm beginning to suspect. _"He wants to start anew. But that doesn't change the history between us or the fact that he's not here!"

"You're right, babe, it doesn't. It shows he's grown up. He knows he fucked up the first time, and now he's trying to show you he's different. He knows it'd have to be a new start." Lori gave Connor a thumbs-up, leaning back onto his chest.

_But some things haven't changed..._Rachel pressed a hand to her tingling mouth. "He's not _that_ different, Lori. Trust me."

"I sense story. I'll bring a bottle of wine later. But think, honey, would you have gone today if you knew he was there? And aren't auditions two days? Will might not even have known which day he was auditioning, so why worry you? Anyway, call Will, I know you want to. I'll pick up Pakistani Tea House and I'll see you at 7, okay?"

"That sounds lovely, Lori. Thank you." Rachel licked her lips, closing her eyes for a moment. _Noah_...

* * *

Will shook his head. "I take it you and Rachel saw each other?"

Running a hand over his lips, he smirked. _Among other things. _"We did. She actually ended up singing with me. For such a fancy school, Juilliard's tech crew sucks. The recording didn't work, so I, uh...I recruited Rachel." _More like drafted her against her will. Whatever._

"And I'm sure she was thrilled." Rolling his eyes at Dan, Will continued. "Did you talk at all?"

"We did." _I liked it better when I was kissing her, though. _He blew out a breath. "Anyway, when she wanted to go, I let her. But she seemed kinda pissed."

"Fantastic. Thanks for the warning." He pressed a hand to his head in mock horror, grinning at Dan's fight against laughter. "And good luck. When's your flight?"

_Too soon. _"Early tomorrow." He rubbed the back of his head. _What the fuck, I might as well ask. _"Do you think - could I - should I come by or call or -"

Will chuckled. "How about I let you know how she is when she gets in and we go from there?"

_Translation: Don't push your luck. _Noah shrugged."Sounds like a plan. Um, thanks, Will. For everything."

"You're very welcome, Noah. I'll let you know later." Will hung up the phone, shaking his head. "I give it three, two -"

**_"And I am calling you..."_**

"Told you so." Will waved Dan into his lap, heads together around the phone. "Hey, baby girl, are you all - "

"Did you know he was coming here? He's trying to get into Juilliard. He made me sing with him. And then he kissed me."_ Rachel! _She shook her head, sighing. "Can I just come home now?"

_"What_ happened? Noah kissed you? At an audition?" He narrowed his eyes as Dan smothered a giggle. "Rachel, my phone is going to die. Let me call you back, I'm home." He hung up again, patting Dan's behind to stand. "Poor Noah. He's going to have a really quiet night. Our child is riled." Picking up the landline, he dialed Rachel's cell and typed out a text on his own.

* * *

Noah frowned as he tucked his phone away. _What the fuck?_ He pulled it out of his pocket and glanced at the display. _A new text already?_ He flipped it open and chuckled.

**Hope you enjoyed that kiss, Noah. Have a safe flight home.**

_Well, that'd be a no. _Noah stood, stretching from his position outside Juilliard. _And I definitely got to her if she told Will I kissed her._ _I guess I'll see you when I get back here, Rach. And I _will _get back here. That's for damn sure. _He frowned as he considered the financial aid applications. _However long it takes._

* * *

_**March**_

"Rachel?"

Rachel stepped into the office with a smile. "Good afternoon, Ms. Jacobsen, I hope you're well." _And that whatever prompted you to ask me to your office is a positive thing._

"I am, thank you, Rachel." Ms. Jacobsen smiled. She gestured Rachel into the seat across from her desk. "Actually I asked you to come to my office because I'm concerned about how _you're _doing."

_Me? _Rachel frowned briefly. "Concerned? Ms. Jacobsen, I assure you, I'm fine. I know my accelerated graduation is a rarity but I am ready, willing and able to take on the next challenge." _More than. I insist upon it._

"We all know your dedication to the program and to your art. That's not a question, Rachel. There is no issue with whether you're a fit for our program. You are. But here is what I don't know." She looked Rachel up and down. "Will you survive the two years? Or will you run yourself ragged like I've watched you do, until you crack under the weight of your graduate thesis?"

Rachel blinked. _Are you_ - "I'm sorry?"

"Rachel, I've watched for the past three years as you threw yourself into every single event offered by the department. I wanted to turn you down, but I had two people telling me that you could do it. Did I tell you I used to do show choir in Cleveland?"

_You what? _Rachel slowly shook her head. "No, you never - you never did."

Jacobsen nodded, tossing her hair back. "I did. And a young man named Will Schuester and I struck up a friendship. When your undergraduate application came in, when he was on the references, I called him, and he told me how lucky I was to have you, and how talented you were. Dr. Dalton said the same thing. Both of them urged me to trust you, and I did. You're a real artist, Rachel, I can see the potential in you. But I also saw you cracking. Does Noah have any idea you're still in love with him?"

"I - I have no idea what you're talking about, Ms. J." _I am not. I cannot be. _Sitting up straighter in her chair, Rachel met her gaze directly. "You must be mistaken."

Her advisor shook her head with a small smile. "I watched you on that stage, Rachel. I watched you singing with him and it finally clicked. Why you were pushing so hard, why you were so closed off to Cory. As much as everyone seems to think Juilliard wants rabid fame-hungry performers, we also want to make enduring stars. How do you propose to endure when it seems you're entirely reliant on the public adulation to feel okay? I know how it goes, Rachel. You run from something and onto the stage. You don't want to deal with the rest of your life so you distract yourself with everything else. You're not the first, and you won't be the last."

_Why does everyone keep saying that?_ "While I will grant you I'm highly active in the program, that does not mean there is anything wrong. I want to be known, I want every experience I can get. I want to be the best performer I can."

"But what about being the best person you can? I see so much potential in you, Rachel, I don't want it wasted." She slid a CD forward. "Since this was slipped to me by a friend - " She leaned back in her chair, looking Rachel over. "Actually, I should probably tell you. Will sent this to me months ago, asking as a favor if I'd screen it just in case he convinced this student of his to apply. He called me a week after the application deadline to tell me he'd talked Noah into it. So if you're thinking this was some elaborate plot by him, not so." She gestured towards Rachel to pick up the case. "You might find that to be interesting listening."

"Ms. J, while I appreciate your concern, I really don't see a cause for it." _There's nothing to be concerned about at all._ "Whatever personal issues I may have, they don't adversely affect my ability to perform. If anything, they enhance them." Rachel folded her hands in her lap.

Her director sighed and stood. "He's very talented, and very much regrets some of the decisions he's made in his life. It seems that he's trying to correct those mistakes now. And he's not shy about saying so. Even if we don't accept him, Rachel, somebody will, and you know how small of a field this is. I'd highly recommend you deal with this, for your professional and personal sake. He cares about you, Rachel. He actually looked _torn _about staying for his interview. At Juilliard. He was here for you, not for us. Whatever he might've thought, when he had the opportunity, he wanted to go to you." She opened the door and held a hand out of Rachel to precede her. "I just want you to think about what's important, and I want you to be open to living, all right?"

_Just go with it, Rachel. _She rose to walk out the door. "All right, Ms. J. I hear you. And I appreciate all you've done as my advisor. I promise I am keeping everything in perspective, and I have family and friends who love me and who don't hesitate to keep me in check." _Usually by involving Noah. _She stopped at the end of the hall. "I promise, I know what I'm doing. I'll be fine. This is everything I want." _It's everything I'll allow myself to want. I can't make the same mistake again. There's nothing left between us. Nothing._

* * *

_**April**_

"Are you going to open those or what?" Ilana drummed her fingers on the table as Noah stared at the envelopes in front of him. "You've been getting them for weeks! Which, actually, is strange. We're two months earlier this time."

"Yeah, because I actually applied on the early side of on time this time," he reminded her. _Thanks to Mr. Schue for that. _"And I know I've been getting them all week, but why open them when the ones that count just got here?" He pulled NYU and Juilliard from the pile. _Also known as the ones that determine my future._

She squeezed his hand. "Are you all right? Ready?"

He shrugged. _Who the fuck knows?_ "Ma, I have no idea what's in these. I have no fucking clue if I'm ready."

"Language." Ilana slid the envelopes from under his fingers. "Do you want me to do it? I'll be gentle."

"Ma." He snatched them back, straightening. _No fucking way, I worked too hard to let someone else open these._ "I can do it."

"You know, even if they say no, it only delays your plans, right?" She smiled proudly. "You're graduating with a bachelor's anyway, you'd just have to find a job there instead of a school."

"No, I know, Ma." He flipped the NYU envelope through his fingers. _Here we go again. _He carefully slid a finger under the flap, tearing it open. _She's right. Whatever happens, you're all right. _"Dear Mr. Puckerman...appreciate you auditioning again...at this time we are _pleased to offer you -"_ He looked up at his mother. "I got in. Ma, I got into NYU."

Ilana squealed, jumping up to kiss him on the cheek. "Oh, Noah, I knew you could do it! Open Juilliard, can you imagine if you go to the same school as Rachel? That would be fantastic..."

_It would be unreal. _Blowing out a breath, he ripped into the Juilliard letter. "Dear Mr. Puckerman...audition was entertaining...great potential..." He swallowed, putting the paper down slowly. "Waitlisted."

"Oh, Noah." Ilana scanned the letter. "Noah, if you notice, the head of the panel actually signed it herself. Ms. Jacobsen. And there's a note - Best of luck, hope to see you." She squeezed his shoulder. "She wants you as part of the program. Just have faith that someone won't be able to go for some reason."

He rolled his eyes. _I'm not even gonna count waitlisted as a plan. _"Nice, Ma. Sure, lemme hope that someone can't pay or doesn't graduate or something. That's screwed up, you know."

Ilana blushed, swatting his arm. "I just - I want you as close to her as you can get."

"And you think I don't?" He shook his head. _Shit, since when was _I _the voice of reason? _"Ma, I think it's better this way. Juilliard...I mean, it'd be amazing to get in. But I think NYU almost fits me better. I don't mind going there. But, can we afford it? Can I afford it?"

Ilana peeked at the envelope from NYU on the table. "What does the financial aid look like?"

He pulled the rest of the papers out, flipping through pages. _Son of a bitch. _"It looks like crap."

"Oh, Noah..." Ilana snatched the paper from him and smacked him in the arm. "Noah, we can swing this. We can. I know what I'm capable of doing. You'd have to get a job in New York for spending money, or you could take out a loan, but this is doable. You can go. You can go right now."

_I could._ Noah looked down at the letter, doing math in his head. _Or, I could defer and save some money of my own. _"I don't know, Ma. She was - Rachel was still so mad. I could tell she was just - she didn't want me anywhere near her, as much as I wanted to be. I'm scared if I go now, if I push my way into her life, that I'll just fuck her up again. I know Rachel, and if I push now..."

"She'll be angry enough to push you out of her life completely?"

_Knowing her? _He sighed. "Something like that, yeah."

"You know what I'm going to suggest, right?"

Noah glanced at the clock. _Yeah, I know. Same thing I'm thinking. _"Think he'll be free at 11 on a Saturday morning?"

"Only one way to find out, sweetheart. Ask."

* * *

"So I have to decide on my senior recital pieces as soon as I can. I want to give myself the most time possible to work on them." _Seriously? Do_ you_ even believe that? _Rachel took another forkful of her Florentine omelette. _You don't need a year. _"I want to show everyone that there's a reason I'm graduating early."

"Panic?" Dan murmured around his pancakes.

"Dad! That's unfair!" Rachel frowned. "I thought it was understood and agreed that graduating early and auditioning for NYU made sense." _I still haven't convinced you? _

"It makes sense in that at least you're driving yourself to something instead of just into the ground, but overall? I think you're insane, sweetheart. I love you but I don't have to agree with everything you do because of that." Dan stabbed at a strawberry.

Will looked at Dan, eyes flashing a warning. "Baby girl, your father and I are just concerned that you'll regret missing out on these years. You'll regret not having a boyfriend or going away for Spring Break. You'll never be able to do this again. Once you're out of school, it's the real world."

"I know, and I want that, Daddy." _I need something real. _She met his gaze, smile dropping from her face. "If someone is going to break my heart, let it be a role on Broadway. Romance is so unnecessary."

Will's phone chose that moment to buzz against the table.

"Oh, are you -" _Who has the surveillance camera? _Rachel pursed her lips. _Honestly. _"Daddy, if that's -"

"Hello, Noah, I do believe we were just dancing around you at brunch." Will smiled at Rachel's outraged expression. "Just our usual concern of Rachel burning herself out, running herself into the ground, missing out on life..."

_She's there? _Noah swallowed hard. _And they're still having that fight? _"Well, shit. It hasn't gotten any better?"

"I think your audition threw her back a bit."

_This is unbelievable! _Rachel glared at her father. _I haven't done anything to warrant this!_

_Shit. _He ran a hand over his head. "So what would it do if I were actually there?" _That's not what I wanted._ "Don't say anything, but I got into NYU."

"Well that's good to hear, Noah." Will stood, dropping a kiss on Rachel's head as he crossed the restaurant to the vestibule to talk. "Congratulations, son. I'm proud of you. How's your mother?"

_Imagining Jewish grandchildren already. _"She's determined that she can swing it, that I can go to NYU even with crappy financial aid." _Like practically _nonexistent _financial aid._ "I was calling for advice."

"Well, I can't answer financially, but -"

_That's not what I needed advice on. _"I know, I wanted to factor Rachel in. And if seeing me -"

"And don't forget the fact that you kissed her, Noah, that definitely had an impact -"

"I know, Will. I -" _Well, _fuck_, Puckerman. _"I thought I was calling for feedback but talking to you just made the decision easier. I want to defer. I want to take some time and save some money for me and for Sarah's sake. And I don't want Rachel to fuck things up because of me. Am I crazy? Tell me I'm crazy. I wanted this for so long, but...I just can't be that selfish. Not anymore." _Maybe this is what they call growing up._

"I'm going to say it again, Noah. I'm proud of you."

* * *

"So? What's the verdict?" Ilana grabbed a glass of water, frowning at her son. "Noah?"

"I'm gonna try to defer," he said quietly. _I can't fucking believe it, but I am. _"It's - it's crazy but...I think that's the right thing to do for everybody."

Ilana sat across from him. "Noah, we can swing this. We can. And there have to be scholarships and things, especially since you're trying to transfer -"

"But I don't want to swing it. I wanna know for sure you and Sarah will be okay." _I can't ignore the consequences of things anymore. _

"Noah...what did Will say?" She reached out to tip his chin up so his gaze met hers. "What happened?"

"Rach is a mess." Noah balled a fist, holding back from slamming it on the table. _The last fucking thing I wanted. _"That's not what I want, Ma. Not for her or me. Especially not if she's trying to get into grad schools. So I'm gonna let the Good Lord make the call for me." _He hasn't led me astray so far - _I _did. _"I'm going to see if they'll let me defer. If they do, then that's what I'll do. I'll take the free ride at Lima Community to the end, get my degree. It'd probably help me get a job, right? And then I'm comfortable, I'll have spending money."

Ilana looked at him silently.

_You know, as much as I think I want her to shut up, when she's quiet, it scares the shit out of me. _Noah raised a brow. _"What,_ Ma. You're freaking me out."

"Noah." Ilana shook her head. "I'm proud of you, sweetheart. I am." She stood, kissing the top of his head and leaning towards his ear as she grasped his shoulders. "Of course, that doesn't mean that the Jewish mother in me isn't hoping they won't let you defer."

* * *

_**August, Noah's senior year, Rachel's (accelerated) senior year**_

Rachel peered carefully down the corridor before her first class. _He won't be here. He can't possibly._ She went about her day and got home to a familiar postmark on the table. _I'm not going to read it. I'm not._

She lasted a week before she tore the envelope open.

Another before slipping the paper out, placing it gingerly on her desk.

_He's definitely not at Juilliard. _Week Three and she unfolded it, smoothing it out to read.

_**Dear Rachel,**_

_**I can't even guess when/if you'll read this. But in case you do, I may as well just say this. I want you to succeed. I want you to get everywhere you want to go, and accomplish everything I know you can accomplish. And I don't want to take away from that. I'm not going to be in New York this year. Your father already knows, and he'll tell you if you ask him. And if you don't ask him - which, by the way, was my bet, because you're not even ready to admit that you're thinking about me - that tells us something too.**_

_**This is gonna sound like I'm fucking with you. Especially after that kiss.**_

_**Shit. I have a habit of kissing you when I shouldn't, don't I. And guess what?**_

_**I don't regret either of them. The only thing I regret was how they messed with your head. And that's why I have to stay away.**_

_**Because when I get to you - and I **_**will **_**-**_

Rachel paused and shook her head, turning the paper over to see the word nearly tearing through the page.

_**I'm gonna work on changing your mind. Every minute I can. And a few when I shouldn't.**_

_**And you're gonna love it.**_

_**But for now, get your future in order. I already fucked up one life plan, I'm not gonna fuck up another. Just, seriously, don't think for a minute that I don't want to be there. I do. Except I learned something through all of this. My actions have consequences, and I'm not gonna let those consequences fuck you up anymore.**_

_**I'll see you soon.**_

_**- Noah**_

* * *

_**September**_

Noah blew into his hands, standing outside of the post office. _I just need a fucking mailing box, is that too much to ask? _He looked down at his watch, biting back a curse. _I need to get to class. I get this bachelor's, I can get a job in New York. And if that's the financial aid package, I _have _to get a job in New York. _He shook his head and turned away from the building, hurrying back to the car. He tossed the honey cake and CDs onto the passenger side.

He skidded to a stop in the parking lot, the cake sliding to the floor as he flipped into park. It was crushed under his guitar case later that day, tossed in the garbage later that week.

* * *

Despite Will, Dan, Lori and Connor's continued concern, Rachel would never confess that she watched the mail, judging time by packages that didn't come.

* * *

_**October**_

_Repent. What do I have to repent? _Rachel tore a piece of bread and tossed it into the lake in Central Park. _I repent that my life is reduced to my craft. I repent that I ever believed in him. I repent pushing people away._

The next time Cory asked her out to dinner, she said yes.

When Peter from her drama troupe asked, she didn't say no to him either.

And when her father asked her why the change, she only smiled. "It's a new year, Daddy. And it will never come again." _Never. It's too far gone._

* * *

_**December 18, Noah and Rachel's senior year of college**_

"I hope you don't mind, Ms. Berry, but I signed for a package." Michael held up a box. "It was the same as the other packages, but for some reason this was sent with delivery confirmation and certified." He held up a priority mail box.

"No, Michael, that's fine." Rachel turned the package around to read. **Urgent. Flammable. Fragile. Perishable.**_ What on Earth is he sending me? _

"And I do believe today is your birthday?"

She plastered on a smile. _And it's certainly been long enough since he sent me _anything_. _"Yes, Michael, it is. My twenty-first, in fact." _Would he - did he - _She shook herself.

"Any good plans?"

"Dinner, drinks, dancing, probably all in combination." She smiled genuinely. _And thank goodness for that._ "I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow, I'll tell you all about it." She frowned quickly at the weight of the package. "Thank you for signing for the package."

"No problem, Ms. Berry."

She grinned, waving as she stepped on to the elevator. As the doors closed, the smile dropped. _It's going to be a birthday present. I know it is. And flammable?_ She shook her head. "Liquor," she muttered, digging in her purse one handed to retrieve her keys.

"Lick her, I don't even know her!" Lori grinned from behind a bouquet and balloons. "Happy birthday, Rach." She thrust the bouquet towards her. "Oh, maybe not. Oh my God. Is that - is that a Noah care package? I've never been here for a fresh one!"

Connor rolled his eyes, taking the box from Rachel's hands as Rachel took the bouquet. "Happy birthday, Rachel." He pecked her on the cheek. Winking at her, he stage whispered, "Wanna make out? For old times' sake?"

**"Wanna make out?" His smile, his hands in her hair. "We were ridiculously hot and you know it." Dark eyes flashing wickedly, hips and hands urging her away from prying eyes and under his spell. **

Rachel caught her breath. _What is it with boys saying that to me? _"I - n-no, I -"

Lori smacked him in the arm. "Moron." She took the keys from Rachel. "He doesn't know, babe, sorry."

"Doesn't know what?" Connor raised his eyebrows. "I'm right here."

Rachel smiled tightly. "That's pretty much how Noah asked me out the first time." _I'm all too easily susceptible to his bad boy image..._

"Oh...oh, shit, Rachel, I'm so-"

_No, that's not worth getting upset over. _"Connor, don't worry about it." Rachel walked into the apartment behind Lori and the balloons. "I'm fine, just...momentarily thrown." _Especially in light of the fact that you're holding the package, so it's as though you channeled him directly._

Lori tied the balloons to a pillar in the kitchen. "Are Will and Dan home yet?"

Rachel grabbed a vase from atop the refrigerator. "No, not yet, they told me to be ready by 6:30, so I still have an hour." _An hour to panic about what he sent me, contemplate opening it, hide it somewhere..._She settled the bouquet on the kitchen table.

"Where would you like me to put this?" Connor held out the box. "Do you want me to just throw it somewhere?"

"No!" Lori interjected. "Rach, you have to. It's your birthday. And it's important. And we're here." Lori took the box from Connor, grabbing Rachel's hand to tug her to the couch. "We won't look, just at least open it. This shit's heavy."

"It's at least a bottle of alcohol, I can tell that from flammable." Rachel eyed the box. _I just don't know what else might be in there, and I'm not certain I _want _to know..._

"So then we can drink on him." Lori shoved the box into Rachel's hands. "Open it."

She chewed her lip, looking at Lori. "Lor, I don't know that I want to." _It's my birthday, and I can practice avoidance if I want to..._

Connor cleared his throat. "Whatever is in there, Rachel...he obviously wants you to have it today. I promise if it's bad, we'll make you drink so much you don't remember."

_Because that's worked so well in the past. _Rachel scoffed. "You, me and alcohol...not sure that's a good idea."

Connor dropped a kiss on Lori's head. "It all worked out, Rach. Come on."

Blowing out a breath, Rachel ripped open the tab on the box. _Nothing is going to bite you. You're all right. _Opening it, she lifted out a tissue wrapped bottle. Slowly unwrapping it, she snorted. "You've got to be kidding me."

Lori took the bottle from her hands. "Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka? Really?" She opened the bottle and sniffed. "Wow, it actually just smells like tea."

_**"And you still taste like strawberries and tea. I missed that too."**_

Rachel lifted a Godiva box from the depths. _Did he intentionally..._She unwrapped the bow and opened it.

"Oooo, chocolate covered strawberries! Gimme!" Lori snatched one out.

Rachel licked her lips, reaching in to extract a wrapped bundle of envelopes. _No. No. He_ - Swallowing hard, she dropped them back in and pushed the box away. _I don't want to know what those are. I absolutely don't._

"There's a card too, Rach." Lori reached in. "And one more heavy thing, wrapped. A book maybe?"

_Noah Puckerman, sending me a _book? Rachel inhaled slowly. "I - I don't know, Lor, I'm -"

"You're fine." Lori dropped the card and grabbed Rachel's hands, squeezing. "You're fine. God, Rach, you're more than fine. He's all into you and you're in control. How can you be worried? Babe, he's chasing you. He wouldn't possibly do anything to hurt you. He put his own stuff aside so you could get yours. What are you afraid of that he would say? 'I love you, I want you, please love me back'?"

"Yes!" she burst out. "Yes, that's what I'm afraid of." _Are you satisfied?_ "I haven't let him say it out loud, he's never written it, and I'm constantly terrified that he will." She bit her lip, looking at the box. _Because then it's real. Everything I thought I lost, all that he didn't understand...it's real. Final, concrete, real._

"Would you rather I read it?" Lori picked the card up from the box. "I mean, I don't think he'd write something lewd, do you? Ooo, maybe I do want to read it if he did..."

"Lori!" Rachel snatched the card from her grasp. _He wouldn't. _"You are sick." She froze. _Would he?_

"But you're holding that card, aren't you?" Lori smirked.

_Damn it._ Rachel exhaled, flipping the card over and staring at the flap. _Rachel, you should know better by now!_

"You know, it's funny." Lori reached over Rachel to tear it open. "I'm your best friend, so we know each other really well. But the only person who's been able to push your buttons every time..." She kissed Rachel on the cheek, pulling back to look in her eyes. "...is Noah." She paused to let her statement sink in. "Take the rest of the box and get changed. At worst, I saved you a week of agonizing - the envelope's open. Read it, don't read it. Just don't forget everyone wants to meet for drinks after. Is it Cory or Peter or Mark or Darryl this week?"

Rachel gave a wan smile. "Hey, I couldn't get one date without drama. You can't blame a girl for having fun." _Everyone wants me to socialize. So I am. _

"Not at all." Lori smiled brightly.

Rachel frowned. "I don't think I trust that smile." _In fact, I'm certain of it._

Connor leaned over to look and shook his head. "Yeah, don't. That's the I know something you don't know smile. Spill, Lor."

"I can't blame you for enjoying yourself," Lori agreed. "Because when he gets here next year, he's not gonna leave you alone."

Rachel sighed, taking the box and the card back through the condo. _That's what I'm afraid of. _She flicked through hangers in his closet. _And have you decided whether you're afraid he'll get here...or that he won't?_ She groaned. _Stop it, damn it. It's your birthday. _She stopped with a grin. _It's my birthday. _She pulled out a short strapless floral dress, black heels and a black cardigan. _Why not enjoy myself, whether or not he gets here? What can he do? _She changed quickly, moving to her vanity to check her reflection. _Nothing. He can't do anything. Just like I couldn't. _She set her shoulders and pulled the card from the envelope.

She frowned at the card. _Seriously, Noah?_ **One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...**

She opened the card. **Floor. **She giggled. _Damn it, Noah, don't make me laugh!_ Blowing out a breath, she read.

_**Dear Rachel,**_

_**Happy 21st. I'm sorry I'm not there - would love to do a power hour with you. Maybe another time. I hope you enjoyed everything else in the box, and that you looked at those envelopes. They're the letters I never got to send, and my admissions letters. This year has been totally nuts. I'm working all the time, either**_ _**my - cougar-free since you - business, part time with Kurt's dad's garage, teaching guitar, helping Schue with Glee - shit, I sound like you. But at least I'm in good company, right?**_

_**Don't ever think I'm not thinking of you, Rach. I am. I always am.**_

_**I know you won't believe me but I lo-**_

Rachel closed the card, tossing it back into the box. _Time for dinner, I think._ Her stomach twisted.

"Rach? You okay?" Lori tapped on her door. "Can I come in?"

Rachel yanked the door open. "How do I look?"

"Like you're faking it." Lori narrowed her eyes at her friend. "Did you read the card?" She grabbed her by the arms and shook her. "Did he actually say he loves you?" she squealed.

"That's not a good thing!" Rachel pointed her to the box.

Lori moved towards it. "You mean - you want me to look?"

"Yes. I can't even tell you where my mind is, but yes."

Lori reached in, skimming with a small smile. She giggled. "Um, Rach? 'I look forward to changing your mind, sooner than you think' doesn't seem like a great declaration of love. But I'm sure he meant that too." She snagged an arm around Rachel's shoulders, shaking her head. "Goober."

* * *

"So you have to reaudition? Does she know?" Ilana passed Noah the kugel.

"Nope, no idea." He scooped a portion and passed the pan back. "But I plan on telling Will." _And see what happens from there. _

_"He'll_ tell Rachel." She smiled. "Think she got your package?"

He smiled. "Yup, she did." He looked down at the text from Lori. _I know she did._

**Nice work. Now get your ass here.**

_And I'll be there._ _Sooner than you think, Rach. Soon._

* * *

**A.N.** Special thanks to Wiki. :)

Prologue:  
Noah: Graduating high school  
Rachel - Junior in high school

Ch. 1  
N: Summer before freshman year of college  
R: Summer before senior year of high school

Ch. 2  
Same

Ch. 3  
Same

Ch. 4  
N: Freshman year of college  
R: Senior year of high school

Ch. 5  
N: Spring break freshman year  
R: Senior year internship

Ch. 6  
N: Spring break freshman year  
R: Spring break senior year, graduation and graduation party

Ch. 7  
N: Gleek graduation party, end of freshman year  
R: Graduation party, before freshman year

Ch. 8  
N: After sophomore year, first audition attempt, December junior year  
R: After freshman year, December sophomore year

Ch. 9  
N: December junior year  
R: December sophomore year

Ch. 10  
N: January junior year to December senior year  
R: January sophomore year to December senior year


	12. Collide

_**A.N. **__Thank you for your tremendous patience as real life proceeded to soundly kick my ass. We lost the last living grandparent between my boyfriend and myself - after a long illness, his grandmother died November 21, but thankfully peacefully at home. I hope you enjoy._

_Suggested listening: Sort of Revolution (The Cinematic Orchestra Remix), Fink; Grazed Knees, Snow Patrol; Howl, Florence + the Machine; Goodbye Apathy, Onerepublic; __On My Own, Les Miserables; Collide, Howie Day; Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning), Vertical Horizon; Don't Follow, Alice in Chains_

* * *

**Chapter 11: Collide**

_**February: Noah's senior year, Rachel's (accelerated) senior year**_

"Ready _this _time?" Will Schuester looked him up and down. "You've really grown up, Noah. Just in this last year. Look at yourself."

Noah shrugged, running hand over his head. "You think a suit will make a difference at Juilliard?"

"They always say if you look good, you feel good. Can't hurt, can it?" Will stood back. "And you, Noah, look good."

"Thanks." He adjusted the red tie and sunglasses in the mirror. "Think she'll even recognize me?" _No 'hawk, dressed up. Who is this GQ motherfucker in the mirror?_

Mr. Schue laughed. "You know, I have no idea? But somehow, knowing Rachel, she'd pick out the rhythm of your footsteps."

Noah smirked, shaking his head. "You're probably right." Sounds like something she'd do.

Will sat at the piano. "Still nervous? You leave tomorrow, right?"

Noah nodded and smoothed a hand over his buzzed hair. "Yeah, but I'm not nervous. I think I got it this time. It's also good to know NYU just wants to hear development. I can do that." I can't seem to stop writing songs for her...

Will grinned and picked out the melody on the sheet music in front of him. "That's absolutely true, Noah, and I'm impressed. Working with the jazz band has really broadened your ear and you can hear it. Make sure you tell them that."

"I know, Mr. Schue. I mean, I'm asking for a piano this time. I think they'll be impressed. I'm ready." He met his gaze in his reflection, setting his jaw. _I'm more than ready. Hope you are too, Rach, 'cause I'm heading back to you._

"Did you reach out to Rachel? Does she know you're coming back out there?"

He shook his head. "I've been emailing with her dad, so he knows. She's not volunteering this time, apparently she has stuff to do this weekend too." But she's in New York. That's all I need.

Will raised a brow. "Grad auditions? I know you said she was graduating early."

Noah nodded, sprawling in a chair. "Yeah, I'm guessing." _Guessed, actually. Hope it made it..._"But that means I'll see her around the warm up rooms. It's Rachel."

"So Juilliard is it for her, huh?" Will stood and crossed to the wall, looking at the framed article on Rachel's success there. "Can't say I'm surprised."

Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth. _Is it? Shit. I don't know..._"I - I'm thinking so. I honestly don't know. I didn't ask." _I might _not _see her, then..._

Will clapped a hand on his shoulder. "If you don't see her this weekend, you'll have all four years at Juilliard or NYU to fix that."

_To fix it all._ Noah nodded. "True. That's the plan, anyway." _I'm not giving up. I'm ready now._

* * *

_**Two days later...**_

Rachel frowned quickly. "Am I ready?" _This is more nervewracking than I anticipated..._

Lori rolled her eyes. "I sure hope so, babe, 'cause they have you graduating early and it'd suck not to make it into grad school."

"Haha, funny, Lor. I'm quite serious, do I have everything for my audition?" Rachel bit her lip and looked around the room. _What do I really need besides myself? I can't think since yesterday..._

"Rach, I still don't get why you're even bothering to audition anywhere other than NYU - they'd be stupid not to take you."

"_**They'd be brain-damaged not to take you. You're amazing, Rach."**_

_Damn it, Noah..._"Well, I'm not going to count on it, Lori, I can't afford to." Rachel stepped into her heels. _Get out of my head. Just when you're not a constant ache, you remind me..._

Lori raised a brow. "Red heels."

"Mmm-hmm. Today is about me claiming my rightful place in NYU's program. Red is a power color." _You want him out of your head yet you're wearing this dress, Rachel? Really?_

"And the dress? I don't think I've seen it before," she remarked. "You really don't wear red and white together a lot. It looks good on you."

_It doesn't _feel _good on me, though. _Rachel swept her hair up loosely, turning her face to catch her angles in the mirror and touching up her blush. "I've had this for a few years, I just haven't worn it in a while." She smoothed her hands down the silk, the black floral print on the ivory dress broken by the red sash at her waist. "I thought this would be a good opportunity to wear it again." _To reclaim it, as it were._

Lori turned a critical eye to Rachel's makeup, nodding. "When was the last time?"

She slicked her lip gloss on in the mirror. "Graduation, maybe four years ago or so." She straightened and headed for the door. _A lifetime ago, how's that?_

"Four or more..." Lori frowned and followed her from the room. "Wait, is that - did you wear it for his graduation?"

"Did I? I think so." She grabbed her wool coat from the coat rack and shrugged it on. _Who do you think you're fooling, Rachel?_

"Rachel." Lori took hold of her arm, stopping her before she reached the door. "Rach, is this a good idea?"

Rachel forced a bright smile. _I have to do this. _"Wearing a dress to my audition? I'd think so, I'm not going to wear a suit."

"Rach, come on." Lori rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. Is this really what you want to wear in case -"

Rachel drew herself up. "In case what?" _Don't even entertain that thought..._

"In case Noah's there, I'm guessing." Will stepped out of his office, looking her up and down. "You look gorgeous, baby girl. Loved that dress when you first wore it, still love it now."

"Thank you, Daddy." Rachel buttoned her coat. "I'm perfectly fine, Lori, I promise. I love this dress, and I want to be able to wear it again. What better new memory to imprint than to utterly stun the audition panels with my talent?" _I have to clean my slate before grad school, I will not drag this albatross anymore._

Will crossed the room to kiss her forehead. "I see your point." He hugged her to him, squeezing for a moment before he released her. "Are you sure you're prepared for the possibility though?"

"Daddy, the grad auditions are at different times and in different auditoriums. I'll be fine." Rachel leaned back to meet his gaze. "I'll be fine." _I have to. I say so._

Will frowned at Lori over her head. "Who are you trying to convince, pumpkin? You or me?"

Rachel sighed. _Why won't anyone believe me? "You,_ Daddy. I'm fine. I am going about my life without the specter of Noah Puckerman. If he's there, it has absolutely nothing to do with me."

He raised a brow. "Same question."

"Daddy!" _You, I'm trying to convince you, because I know that there's nothing else between us. _She swatted at his chest, leaning up to kiss his cheek and push away. "I haven't heard from him since December, though he has been in touch with you -"

Will grinned. " - which means he's doing what you told him to -"

Rachel frowned as she continued. _Whose side are you on? _"- and he didn't even attempt to solicit my schedule from you -"

Will nodded. "Again, since you told him to back off -"

_"Damn it, Daddy,_ can't I just forget about Noah?" Rachel ran her hands through her hair, picking up her bag. _Yes, can you, Rachel? You may want to check your purse..._She shook her head. "Please? For one damn day can you not worry about my potentially broken heart or possible denial of my feelings? Let me just be all right today. I am _not_ going to see him. I declare it to the Universe. I picked the very last audition time I could at Juilliard and the very first at NYU. I will be working in a practice room at Juilliard, in the graduate building. I don't see how I could possibly run into him."

"You cursed a lot right there, Rachel." Will kissed the top her her head, snagging her in for another hug.

Rachel closed her eyes and tucked her head into his neck. "I know, Daddy. You made me mad. I'm not going to run into him. I'm not." _I can't. I won't. I refuse._

He glanced at Lori again. "If you say so, sweetheart. But I'll have my phone on."

* * *

_I can't believe I got here an hour early._ Noah paced the outside Steinhardt at NYU. _I know where I'm going this time, what was I thinking?_

"Need a practice room?" A purple-shirted girl strolled up to him. "Or anything else? I'm Jess." She smiled flirtatiously.

"Just the practice room, thanks." _You've got nothing to offer me._ Noah picked up his guitar and followed her in and down the hall.

* * *

"And this is Steinhardt." Lori gestured towards the building. "Your future home."

"Lor, don't jinx me!" Rachel smacked her arm. _I hope you're right..._

"Need a practice room?" Jess re-emerged. "Hey Lori."

"I have my keys, Jess, thanks." Lori jangled her key ring. "Anyone here yet?"

"Just a hottie. Set him up in Room 4, his audition isn't for an hour." She handed Lori the audition list. "Just swing by the auditorium so they know you're here."

"Sure, lemme get Rach set up first." Lori unlocked a room with a smile. "There you are, milady. See you on stage." She kissed Rachel on the cheek, taking her coat. "I'll leave this in the back for you."

"Thanks, Lor." Rachel smiled. "Just like senior year recital. You'll be my safe place." _Like you've been since that summer in Juilliard. A real friend._

"Babe, you didn't need one then and you don't need one now. I'mma just sit back and watch you blow them away." Lori waved as she turned the corner.

"All right, Rachel. Warm ups." _Focus now. _She closed the door behind her, striking middle C on the piano. "Mah may mee moe moooo..."

* * *

"Oh holy shit." Lori looked down at the sheet in her hands. "You said hottie in an hour, right?"

"Mm-hmm." Jess licked her lips. "I wouldn't mind entertaining him till then."

"He would though. And so would I." Lori shook her head. "Tall, dark and slightly brooding?"

"Sounds about right." She smiled. "I'll wait if I have to."

Lori laughed and shook her head. "Yeah. You aren't getting _anything_ out of Noah Puckerman." She snickered again and walked away.

* * *

Noah sighed, cracking his knuckles. _Too fucking early. I should have breakfast or something. Watch the other auditions._ He looked up at the clock. _They'll be starting soon._

* * *

Rachel blew out a breath. _This is easy, Rachel. Just sing. And don't think about how this determines the rest of your life._She popped her earbuds in, letting the sound of Alexi Murdoch's guitar relax her. _I would wager Lori never expected my attachment to this song..._She walked down the hallway, singing softly. "Don't forget to breathe, don't forget to breathe...your whole life is here, no eleventh hour reprieve, so don't forget to breathe..." She turned the corner, rolling her neck and squaring her shoulders.

* * *

_Fuck it. I'm not gonna accomplish anything here. _Noah opened the door and headed out to the hall, following the signs for the auditorium. _What the - that dress. _Noah looked the retreating figure up and down. "Rachel?"

* * *

"Rachel!" Lori waved her on, glancing behind her. She glared at Noah over Rachel's shoulder. "Come on in, they're getting ready for you right now. I'll be right back."

"What?" _Maybe not a good idea to block out all sound. _Rachel took the earbuds from her ears. "Sorry, Lor, couldn't hear you over the headphones. I'm centering myself. What were you saying?"

"I was just telling you to come on through, the panel is just getting set up. If you want to take a moment backstage, go for it. I just have to do one thing and I'll be right back." Lori gave her a quick hug, waving Noah off. "Good luck, babe."

"Thanks, Lori." She ducked through the backstage door. _Hopefully luck will be my lady this morning..._

* * *

"You." Lori stalked down the hall, smacking Noah on the shoulder. "You are like the worst fucking penny in the goddamn world, aren't you?"

"Hey! What the fuck!" _She was right fucking there! _Frowning, Noah peered around to see the door close behind Rachel. "She knows I'm around NYU, I didn't expect _her_to be."

"No, she _doesn't_ know. Will started to tell her where you were auditioning and she didn't want to hear it." She grabbed him by the jacket and hauled him back around the corner. "Nice suit, by the way." She took a deep breath. "Look. You have been persona non grata since that epic package in December, Puckerman, and I am not letting you ruin this for her. You would break her concentration and you know it."

"But what about - did she get -" _Who the fuck cares if she did? It's obviously not enough._He sighed. "She wouldn't even let him talk about it?"

"No, she wouldn't. Cut him right off and practically stuck her fingers in her ears like a five year old. She even cursed!"

**Rachel picked her head up from the couch. **_**"Ha!**_** I said **_**'fucking'!**_** I **_**cursed!"**_

He shook free of the image and chuckled. "Diva fit." _She's even wearing the same damn dress..._

"Epic. And he hasn't said shit about you since." Lori sighed. "Look, Noah, I know you want to talk to her. I know you want to get this right. But now is absolutely not the time. This is too important - for _both_of you - to mess up. Do your audition. Let her do hers."

"But -" _She's right there..._

"But _nothing,_ Puckerman. Last time you got near her, you kissed her and fucked her up all over again. Not gonna happen today. _You_don't want it to happen again."

_Well, shit._ He ran his hands over his head. "No, I don't want it to happen again." _Except the kissing part. That I can't wait to repeat..._He flexed his hands, palms itching. _She's right there..._

Lori looked him up and down, nodding. "Good. Go around the back door, sneak in the side in five minutes. She won't even see you, she always looks to center stage and the center of the audience."

"Up at the clock, I know." _I still remember._

"So then you can watch her audition and then _let her go_ and do your own. Anything more than that and I'll have Connor take you out."

Noah rolled his eyes. _Yeah, 'cause that guy needs a reason. _"He already wants to, I think."

"Eh, he's gotten over it. But don't give me an excuse." Lori wagged a finger in his face. "I have pull with her, don't get on my bad side."

"Figured that out months ago." _And you actually care about her, so I'm not gonna complain too much. _He smoothed his tie down. "You're right, I don't want to fuck this up for her. I'll just go listen quietly, like a good little stalker."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that actually sounds about right. I gotta go." She turned on her heel and headed back down the hall.

* * *

Rachel rolled her neck and took a sip of tea. _You can do this, Rachel..._

"Ready, Freddy?" Lori strolled up behind her and started massaging her shoulders. "You got this, you _know_ you got this."

_I sincerely hope so. _Rachel smiled as she turned her head. "I was just telling myself the same thing."

Lori rolled her eyes with a grin. "You know, it's less fun giving you a pep talk when your ego is so damn healthy."

"I'm sorry, should I be otherwise? I'm Rachel _fucking _Berry," she said archly. "This is what I do." Rachel brushed her hands down her dress. _It's_all _I do now._

"You're a hell of a lot more than that, Rach, and you know it." Lori let her go and shook her head. "If this dress is gonna get in your head, I'm gonna go back to your place and get you a change of clothes. I'll tell the panel I ruined your outfit. Don't think I won't. You aren't going to be bitter and throw away this audition."

Relaxing her stance, Rachel grabbed Lori's hands. "I'm sorry, Lor, I'm fine." She drew a deep breath. _I just need to get these ghosts out of me._ "I just remember waiting to go on at graduation, that sick feeling in my stomach watching them hold hands..."

"Except that I can absolutely guarantee you that he's got no one in his mind but you, Rach. I can." She glanced out into the audience. "I know you're pissed because you haven't heard from him. And I'm sure you're wearing this dress today as a fuck you. So do it. Sing the shit out of this audition, get your ass into grad school, and then we'll have lunch at Mamoun's before you have to head up to Juilliard. After I'm done, I'll meet you up there? Or do you want to grab dinner at or near home?"

"I -" _After today? _Rachel shook her head. "You know what, yes, meet me. We'll find somewhere for dinner, maybe a wine bar. I could go for that tonight, I think."

"Rach, are you -" Lori looked into her eyes. "Are you nervous?"

_Yes._"I'm fine." Rachel inhaled slowly through her nose and smiled. "What's there to be nervous about?"

"Considering it's you and it's your future? A whole hell of a lot, even if you won't say so." Lori rolled her eyes. "But whatever, you're gonna be fantastic. I'm gonna head out there, okay? We'll call you up in like, a minute." She planted a noisy smacking kiss on Rachel's cheek and strolled offstage.

Rachel crossed quickly to her bag, opening it to pull out a small padded envelope. _Now or never, Rachel. You know this is why he sent it. _She tore open the tab and pulled out a CD and a small white envelope.

Putting the CD aside, she slipped the card from its envelope, running her fingers down the front cover. A picture of a frosted window showed handwriting in the ice. _**I miss you.**_ She opened it with shaking hands.

_**"Dear Rach,**_

_**I'm sorry I haven't sent anything, but I know I kind of pushed you a lot. I'm trying to ease up, but it's tough. **__**I keep writing songs for you, even after that last package I sent.**_ _**I could write forever and not write all the music I want to sing to you and with you.**_

_**That's not what this is about, though. This is about you, and your future. And about what I want for you.**_

_**Kick ass, Rach. This is what you've always wanted. I told you not to let anyone make you feel any less than worthy and awesome, even me. So I'm saying it again right now. Rachel Berry was a target because we looked at you and knew you had more to offer the world in this tiny package than we did in our entire lives. Even when I was that asshole that said you made me want to set myself on fire, I knew that. Now go show New York City what we've always known.**_

_**Rachel Berry is a star.**_

_**- Noah."**_

He'd pressed a small gold star sticker after the word "star."

Rachel clutched the card to her aching heart, tears welling in her eyes. _Damn you, Noah._

_"Rachel Berry?"_

Swiping at her cheeks, she took one more drink of water, laying the card carefully in her bag and stepping into the stage lights. _This is it, Rachel. What's out there, beyond this stage - this is everything you want._

_Rachel_...Noah sat forward, watching her cross the floor. He rubbed his hands on his knees. _I want to just touch you, Rach, just hold you..._

"Good morning, Ms. Berry, and thank you for joining us today. I'm Thomas Gibson." The head of the department smiled and looked down at the application in front of him. "You have quite the resume for someone so young. And I see you haven't even had your senior recital yet, though you've had recitals every year. A very non-traditional approach for Juilliard."

Rachel smiled, ducking her head slightly. "Yes, Dr. Gibson, I am aware. But I've been aspiring to the stage since I was six months old. I've been waiting for the opportunity to be in New York, and once I arrived - you'll see from my resume that I was recruited from Juilliard's summer program to help anchor the Dalton School of Music -" _advancing my timeline to get here quite a bit _"- I was even more enamored. I cannot wait to share my gift with the musical theater community, as well as pursue a lasting career in musical performance on stage, screen and recorded media."

"I like that answer, Ms. Berry. Let's see what you've got. Which two pieces from the list would you like to perform as your contrasting pieces?"

"I would very much like to perform Seguidilla from Carmen and On My Own from the iconic musical Les Miserables," she replied. "In terms of contrasting styles, I believe these would be the ideal pairing to showcase my talent and what I have to offer the program here." _Not to mention that I will absolutely murder both of them._

"Give us the context, to the best of your knowledge, on Seguidilla, if you don't mind?"

"Why, certainly." Rachel flicked her hair over her shoulder. _I can get into character now, as a matter of fact._ "The song is flirtatious, the character reveling in her romantic freedom. Let pleasure be abundant and partners be varied, I will love the one who I'm with. This is a stark contrast to On My Own, where she is mourning the loss of her lover, the loneliness and emptiness she feels in the lack of the one person whom she felt was her soulmate."

"A succinct and accurate explanation and contrast. Please feel free to give your arrangement to the accompanist. Linda is ready for you," Dr. Gibson said, gesturing to the baby grand.

Lori glanced back to catch Noah's eye. "See?" she mouthed.

_Rach_...Noah watched her flipping pages, pointing out markings and tempo. _I'm so fucking sorry. _He gave a tight lipped nod to Lori.

Rachel smiled at the woman behind the piano. _Please don't ruin this for me._ "Thank you so much, I appreciate your consideration with my adjustments."

The pianist laughed. "Not a problem, honey. It's what I'm here for. Good luck." She played the opening of Seguidilla. "About right?"

Rachel nodded. "Perfect. Thank you." _The accompanist is competent, lovely._ She turned back to the spotlight in center stage. "Whenever you'd like, Dr. Gibson."

He nodded towards the piano, the accompanist hitting the first chord.

Rachel curved her lips into a sly seductive smile as she started to sing.

_She's fucking amazing. _Noah shook his head as she flirted with the panel, eyes sparkling as French phrases poured from her lips. _French. Of course._

Rachel threw herself into the music. _This is when you show them you're an actress, Rachel. _She wagged a finger with a smile.

_"Mon officier n'est pas un capitaine,  
__pas même un lieutenant, il n'est que brigadier;  
__mais c'est assez pour une bohémienne  
__et je daigne m'en contenter!"_

She straightened, hand on her hip as she sustained the last note.

"Thank you, Ms. Berry, that was lovely. Can you try the second verse again with a bit more depth to the dynamics? A little more expansive at the chorus and stop there."

Rachel blinked. _You knew this going in. They're testing you. _"Certainly, Dr. Gibson." She nodded towards Linda. "Pick up on the entrance one bar before?" She took a deep breath and began the passage again.

Noah glanced over at the clock with a frown. _Shit, how long do these auditions take?_

Lori looked back into the audience, frowning quickly. She slipped her cell phone out of her pocket, scrolling to her texts.

Noah shook his head as Rachel's voice echoed through the auditorium. _How the fuck does she hit these notes in that tiny little package? _He flinched as his phone vibrated in his pocket. _Who the fuck would be texting me? _He ducked and flipped it open, looking down towards the center seats. _Lori?_

**Don't miss YOUR audition!**

He smirked. _You fucking kidding me? No way. Not happening._He tapped his watch and nodded. _I can stay a little longer._

"Thank you, Ms. Berry. If you'd like to move on to your second selection?"

_See? Not about anything with you at all. _"Absolutely, thank you. Linda, if you please?" Rachel drew a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. _Time to really shine, Rachel._

_"And now I'm all alone again  
__nowhere to turn, no one to go to  
__without a home, without a friend,  
__without a face to say hello to..."_

_Rachel..._Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth, leaning his elbows on his knees and sitting forward. _I really am so fucking sorry..._

She paced to the front of the stage as she sang the chorus, singing to the back of the auditorium. _This is your catharsis._

_"On my own...pretending he's beside me..."_

_I want to be, I fucking swear I do..._Noah steepled his hands in front of his mouth. _I'm trying, Rach, I promise..._

_"Without him..."_

Rachel hugged herself tightly, looking up to the ceiling. _I wish it weren't true..._

_"I feel his arms around me..."_

Noah rubbed his hands up and down his arms, glancing at the time. _Damn it, I don't want to leave..._

Pressing her eyes shut, she poured her heart into the next lines.

_"And when I lose my way I close my eyes_  
_And he has found me..."_

_"You_ found _me,"_ he whispered, hanging his head. _I have to get here. I fucking _have _to..._He watched her pace the stage, heartbreak pouring from her lips as his own heart ached.

Rachel blinked back tears as she sang, Eponine's words capturing the turmoil in her heart.

_"I love him,_  
_But every day I'm learning..._  
_All my life, _  
_I've only been pretending..."_

She paused, letting the last note soar in the air. _I can't go on like this, I know better. Whether he's here or he's not, I need to move on..._

Lori watched her best friend expose her inner turmoil, looking behind to see the answering pain in Noah's posture. "Poor bastard," she muttered.

_"Without me,_  
_His world would go on turning..._  
_A world that's full of happiness_  
_That I have never known..."_

Noah looked down at his watch again, swearing softly. _Not yet, goddamn it..._He ran a hand over his face, straightening his tie. _Rach, please believe me...I'm coming back to you, I swear..._He stood carefully, holding the seat as it closed.

_"I love him_  
_I love him_  
_I love him_  
_But only on my own..." _

He paused at the side door. "You're wrong, Rach. I'm going to prove it to you," he said softly, leaving the room.

Rachel flinched slightly as she heard a door close in the lingering silence, glancing around the audience. _No one here but the panel, Lori and me. Get a grip, Rachel._

Noah stood outside the auditorium, pressing his forehead against the door. _Not on your own, Rachel. Not even close._

* * *

Rachel beamed as she walked off the stage. _You did it, Rachel. You absolutely did it._She clasped her hands to her heart and picked up her coat and her bag. _That was fun._She paused as she looked into her purse, pushing the plain white envelope deeper into it. _Fun._She swallowed hard as her smile faltered.

Lori burst through the side door, squealing. "Rach, you were _unreal!"_

Squaring her shoulders, she turned to meet Lori with a perfect smile in place. "It was amazing."

"Seriously though, Rach, you were perfect." Lori hugged her tightly, pulling back with a grin. "Listen, I have to do a few more auditions before I can break for lunch - you want to go back to the practice rooms or something?"

"But I - I thought you said you had a break scheduled for right after I'd be done?" She frowned and shook her head. _I can't have been that mistaken..._

"Oh, I know, but they changed it up on me this morning," Lori lied smoothly. "I mean, if you want to just chill in the lounge, that's cool too, but I'll need at least..." She glanced at the clock, doing math in her head. "Forty minutes?"

Rachel shrugged. "I suppose I'll go to the lounge - actually?" _What are you doing, Rachel? _"Is there anywhere around here I could listen to a CD?"

"Listen to a - " Lori frowned at her. "I'll set you up in one of the studios, I'll get you when I'm done."

"Thanks." _Are you sure about this? _Rachel pressed her purse tighter against her side. "I just need - want - have - there's this CD that I -" _Damn it, Rachel, you sound like an idiot._

Lori froze, pointing a finger at her friend's back for a moment and shaking her head. "You want to play a CD. Got it."

_I know what you're thinking._ "It's not..."

Lori walked up next to her and met Rachel's gaze with a skeptical brow. "Really? I mean, I'll let you get by without even asking but don't lie to me, Rach."

"That's why I didn't finish the sentence," she muttered. _The downside of having an actual friend, I suppose..._"Fine, okay, I got a care package yesterday, all right? I brought it with me."

"You actually only waited a day to open it without anyone knowing and bugging you about it? Rach, honey, that's awesome!" Lori guided them down the corridors. "I'll come in if you want me to."

"Auditions, Lor, I'm not getting you in trouble." Rachel smiled. "But thank you." _It means so much to know you would._

"I really don't mind, I can swap with Jess and cover this hallway." Lori looked down the length of the hall. "Be right back." She took off down to the desk where the girl with the clipboard was sitting. "Jess!"

The other girl turned. "Lori? What's up?"

"Listen, switch schedules with me for a couple of hours? I need my break to be later, so you take yours now, I'll cover you here, and when you come back from break, just cover me for an hour in the auditorium and Jackie will cover you for your scheduled break. Sound okay? Great."

Jess nodded slowly. "Makes sense to me, plus I should have the first break since I was here first. But why do you care?"

"I have business to attend to here, I can't leave now."

Jess eyed her. "What do you know? What's going on?"

"Nothing, I swear," Lori insisted. "I just need to stay right now."

"Uh-huh. You know what? Whatever." Jess grabbed her coat and bag from under the desk and stood. "Don't get me in trouble, Bernardo."

"I won't, I'll take care of it." Lori grinned and waved Rachel forward. "This first room has a CD player. Throw it on."

Rachel stepped through the door hesitantly. _Maybe I shouldn't have asked._ "Lor, really, I -"

"If you want to listen to it alone, babe, that's fine." Lori stepped back and blew her a kiss. "Just open the door if you need me."

_I think I need you now. What was I thinking?_ Rachel only nodded with a tight smile and closed the door.

She looked at the cd player warily. _You wanted to listen, Rachel. You're a big girl. Put the CD in and press play._ Blowing out a breath, she opened the player and placed the CD in carefully.

_**"Noah, you ready?" **_

_Is that Mr. Schuester? Oh, Noah..._Rachel swallowed back tears. _He's _Noah _to them now..._

_**"Yeah, sorry, ready."**_** He strummed a chord. **_**"Recording?"**_

_**"Yes, we're on. Go for it."**_

**The guitar started, his voice following soon after.**

_**"All the windows are playing their game**_

_**Where I won't see outside again**_

_**Til I write all the fog away -**_

_**I'm putting words in their place..."**_

_Oh, Noah...that card, writing on a foggy window..._Rachel brushed at her cheeks again. _Damn it, damn it, damn it..._

_**"But all of the fog is erased**_

_**When I write all the words that I never said**_

_**To you..."**_

**I miss you.**

Rachel flung the door open. "L-"

Lori burst inside. "Is it beautiful? Horrible? Are you okay?"

Rachel sniffled and shook her head. "It's beautiful and horrible and I am not okay." Damn it, Rachel...She swiped at her eyes and drew a hitching breath. "Lori, I think I - I think I still might -"

Lori wrapped her arms around her friend. "Rach, it's okay. It's okay." She stroked her back soothingly. "You're okay."

Noah's voice sang on.

_**"Will you try to read these lines?  
**__**Focus hard and give it time...  
**__**Who you are in my life  
**__**Reads as the water washes..."**_

* * *

Noah exhaled roughly and stepped off the stage. _That's it, done all I can do here_. He hefted his bag from the floor. _And Rach must be long gone. Damn it. _He rubbed a hand over his face, pushing the door open and stepping out into the hall. _Couple of hours till Juilliard, and - _

Lori grabbed his arm, dragging him down a hallway. "She listened, she actually _listened_ to some portion of the CD you sent her and she's a _mess,_ Puckerman. What are you doing to my girl?"

"What -" _Lori? _" - but I -" _She _did? Noah shook his head. "I'm not -"

"Awesome audition, by the way, I caught the end of that last song from the wings. 'You're only the best I ever had.' Nice one. Guessing I know who _that's _about. I popped in while Rach was getting herself together, I set her up at Starbucks till I'm done with you."

"Is she - is she okay?" _Shit, after all that effort this morning I _still_ fucked her up? _He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Should I try to -"

"You should _try _to get to your next audition. This was only the first one, Noah, she's got to hold up till Juilliard tonight and if you -"

_Juilliard. I have to ask. _Noah caught her eyes. "What's her first choice school?"

"Why, so you can stalk her? I'm not going to be your spy, Puckerman." Lori released him, folding her arms. "You saw the dress she's wearing. She's trying _really _hard to get back her confidence, and you just -"

He frowned, cutting her off. "- _Believe _in her, I just _believe _in her and in what we could be together. Is that so fucking wrong of me?"

"Noah, if you were both functional and in the same place at the same time, you'd be phenomenal. But you're not, don't you get that?" Lori sought his gaze as he looked down. "You're _not_. You're growing up and she's still trying to believe that she can be _loved _and that _she _can love without hurting someone or being hurt. It's awful but it's true. She won't say it out loud, not to me, not to Will, but we see it."

_Fuck that. _Noah glared as he met Lori's eyes."But that's what I want to _fix,_ that's why I keep trying to reach her, because I want to show her -"

Lori's gaze softened. _"She_ has to believe it, Noah. _Rachel_. All by herself. You think Will and I haven't discussed this? You may not know me that well but I'm on your side, buddy. I held her today while she cried, not able to finish a sentence. And you know the sentence she was trying to say?" She held up a hand. "Don't ask, I'll freely tell you. 'I think I', she said. 'I think I still might'. That's as far as she could get."

_'I think I'? 'I think I still might' -_

_**"I love you. It breaks my heart to know that she doesn't, Noah. She won't. Not like I do."**_

_Oh, shit...Rach..._"Fuck, you think I wanna see her _less,_ knowing that?" Noah ran his hands over his head. _She's in the Starbucks right next door, she_ _might __actually __still love me..._

"No, I don't think that, but I think that she hates the fact she still feels anything about you." Lori sighed. "I'm sorry, I know that's harsh, but she wants so badly to be over you, Noah, that every time you pop back up - every letter, every memory - she just loses it a little." She raised a brow. "You go there and get a coffee and sit down with her, that girl will lose her mind. And we've already established that you don't want that today. So let me tell you how this is gonna go. You are in love with her. She is still in love with you. She doesn't want to be. You want nothing more than for her to be. You wanna see her, she wants to move on. Guess who wins?"

_Fuck this shit. _"You know, I've been pretty fucking patient as you keep me from getting to her. And I get it, I do, I don't want to upset her. That's the last fucking thing I want. So I'm gonna just go sit in the damn courtyard across the street and breathe while you take her to lunch. But I want one thing from you. Just one."

Raising a brow, Lori nodded. "Try me. No promises."

"After Juilliard, after dinner - whenever she's done for the day - just..." He licked his lips and blew out a breath. _Why the fuck not..._"Tell her I'm here? That I'm in town and that I'm around all night?"

"I can do that." Lori pursed her lips. "For what it's worth? I don't think she can get you out of her heart no matter how hard she tries. I think more than the _actual_ feeling, that _that's _what kills her. She can't will herself out of love any more than she was able to will herself into it. And you know Rach enough to know -"

"- that the fact that she can't control how she feels drives her nuts. Yeah, got that." _But she still took a chance with me. Damn it, Puckerman, you've got a lot to make up for. _He sighed. "You're sure I can't just run in there and sweep her off her feet?"

Lori snickered. "Dude, if I thought for a second she'd be relieved to see you? I'd walk you over _myself_. But the fact that whatever CD you sent her had her in tears? Um, no."

_Which is totally not what I want._ "Is Will home?"

Lori glanced at her watch. "I think he and Dan were doing the groceries this morning, but you can try him." She bit her lip. "Look, Noah, I'm sorry. I know it seems like the whole world is cockblocking you but -"

"No. Don't apologize. I told you before, she needed a friend like you all her life. You're just looking out for her, protecting her." _Like I should've. _He gave a bitter half-smile. "I just wish I wasn't one of the things she needed protection from."

Lori squeezed his arm. "You won't be forever, Noah. The bitch of all this is that I know full well that you need each other, even if it's just to get each other out of your systems. She's just not there yet."

"I hope you're right." _You _have _to be right. _He shook his head. "Lemme get out of here."

"You gonna be okay?" Lori frowned. "I really do hate being in the middle all the time, you know."

"Whatever. You get physically in the middle, but Will's there too. She's lucky to have you guys." _And so'm I. _He slipped his sunglasses on. "Just don't forget about...about tonight?"

"Not a chance, Noah, promise. We're going to a wine bar for dinner, I'll tell her then." She leaned up to hug him. "Everything will work out. Call Will, see if he's free."

_Fucking hope so._ He hugged her and stepped back. "I will. Thanks for looking out for Rach."

"My pleasure." Lori grinned. "She's amazing."

_Who the fuck are _you _telling? _He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "I know. Just wish I'd realized it in time."

Raising a brow, Lori looked him up and down. "You dead? Dying?"

_Huh? _Noah shrugged, shaking his head. "No..."

"Then you've got time to fix it. I'm actually rooting for you, Puckerman." She nodded towards the door. "Get out of here, I'll give you a couple of minutes before I follow. If I can see you from the door, though, I'm gonna have to move you."

He rolled his eyes. "Chill, I'm not gonna bum rush her." _No matter how much I want to._ "I'm gonna get myself to a corner of the huge ass courtyard and call Will, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan. And I'll text you tonight after I tell her you're around, I'll let you know how she takes it." Lori crossed her heart. "Promise."

He shook his head again. "No need to promise. If I didn't already trust you and believe you, I'd be at Starbucks right now." He picked up his guitar and shrugged the strap on his shoulder. "I'll talk to you later. And I have _my _Juilliard in a couple of hours, so just keep that in mind." _And bring her to me. _He grinned.

Lori nodded. "And that's why I'm on your side. Because after all that shit you put her through, all you want now is what's best for her, even when that means not you. That's love, Noah, and I'm a fan of it." She kissed his cheek. "Break a leg. From both of us."

"Thanks." He turned and headed out into the cold winter air. _Maybe she'll even tell me herself._

* * *

Rachel sighed as she sat, glancing out the window. _What's taking her so long?_ She peered towards the door to Steinhardt. _She just had to sign out, right?_ The door started to open, Rachel pressing against the glass to see whomever exited.

Noah blew out a breath, glancing quickly towards the Starbucks before looking down and away. _Don't. You see her, this is gonna be even tougher._ He popped his collar and jogged across the street.

_That boy is crazy. No winter coat? Even I can't do that in this weather._ Rachel shook her head, turning back to her tea. _Very well put together, though. Almost familiar...That - could that be - would he - _

"Yo, we ready, homeskillet?" Lori dropped down across from her with a grin. "Sorry about that, there was an audition going on when I went in to sign out for lunch."

"Oh? Was it a good one?" _Undergraduate, of course. _She sipped her passion fruit tea and smiled. "I don't need to be worried, tell me all about it."

Lori giggled. "Really talented hot guy. I'm gonna leave it at that."

* * *

Will dropped the lemon into the bag, grinning at Dan. "Francese sounds perfect, darling." He frowned as his phone vibrated. "Here, hold this." He thrust the produce bag at his husband and fumbled for the phone. "Hello?"

"Will?" _Thank fuck._ Noah ran a hand over his head, exhaling as he dropped onto a metal bench. "Hi, it's - it's Noah."

"Noah!" Will smacked Dan in the arm, waving him to the receiver. "How was it? Are you all done?"

"No, I - I just had NYU this morning, I've got like, an hour and forty till Juilliard." He licked his lips. "I, um, I saw Rach." _I _still _see Rach._

"That wait is a pain. And of course you saw Rachel." Will shook his head. "Did she see _you _or did you just see her?"

"I just saw her. _Lori _saw me." Noah blew out a breath. _Fucking sucked._

"Leave it to Lori to run interference between you two." Will sighed, rolling his eyes. "All right then. How did the audition go?"

"Mine or hers?"

"You watched hers?"

"As much as I could, yes, sir. Can you blame me?"

Will laughed. "No, I can't say that I can. She sounded fantastic, didn't she?"

Noah nodded, heaving a sigh. "Of course. She's amazing. I can still remember the first time I heard her sing. I may have been an ass, but I knew how talented she is even then." He rubbed a hand over his mouth. "That's sort of why I'm calling - I want to see her but I know that's not a good idea and I'm kind of right across the street."

"Noah...I don't think that's a good idea, based on this morning." Will gestured Dan towards the registers. "She cursed when I was trying to talk to her about you, and asked to forget about you for this one day."

"Lori mentioned some of that. She actually asked to forget about me?" He closed his eyes, resting his head against the cold concrete behind him. "That I didn't hear."

"Look, Noah, I guarantee you Rach hasn't gotten any further in the 'over you' department. I think it's safe to head on to Juilliard, don't you?"

Noah cast a longing glance at Starbucks. "Yeah, it is. I should probably grab lunch anyway."

"Sounds like a plan. Can I ask you something, son?" Will nodded at the cashier, grabbing the bag Dan indicated.

"Yes, sir." With one last look towards the building, Noah grabbed his guitar and headed back towards the subway.

"Is everything squared away financially for you?"

* * *

Rachel glanced out the door as the same slick figure in the suit crossed the street. _I - that - that can't be, can it? _She shook herself and turned back to Lori. "Too bad my heart belongs to Tony," she grinned. _It can't be, stop it. Save the drama for the stage._

* * *

"I've been saving everything I can between guitar lessons, Mr. Schue, Mr. Hummel and the pool business, plus I'm going to graduate with my degree in physical education and I'm going to help out with the summer football clinic at McKinley. Mr. Schue and I did the budget with my mom and even if financial aid is minimal, I'm fine." _I made sure of it._

"So there's basically no way you're _not _going to be here in August, correct?"

He chuckled. "Not a chance." _It's been long enough._

"So then what's the _harm _in giving her a breather?"

_I don't want to. _He slowed his footsteps. "I just - I don't want her to -"

"Noah, son, I know my daughter." Will shook his at Dan. "There's no way she'll forget you or grow to hate you. Pen pals."

"Kind of one-sided to call it pen pals." Noah shook his head outside the entrance to the 6. _Stop being so fucking bitter, he's still her dad._ "Sorry, Will, I'm just - I saw her in that dress, singing about being alone without anyone to love her with this look in her eyes and I just -"

"Did you bum rush the stage?" Will interjected.

He opened his mouth to reply. _Truth? _He shrugged. _What the fuck. _"Nearly."

"Then have some faith, Noah. Whatever is between you isn't so easily dismissed. If it was, don't you think she would've by now?"

_Huh_. He nodded slowly. "Yeah, you're right about that."

Dan tapped Will's shoulder repeatedly. "Lunch?"

"Just a second, Noah." Will covered the receiver and turned to his husband. "Honey, can I just -"

"No, with him!" Dan pointed at the cell. "He has a wait, right?"

Will blinked. "Yes, he does." Raising a brow, he removed his hand from the receiver. "Noah? How would you like some company for lunch? Daniel would like to meet you in person."

"What?" _Oh, shit._ "I - I mean -" _You're in a _suit, _Puckerman, when else are you gonna make this good of an impression?_ "I'm game, where should I meet you?"

"We just left the Whole Foods downtown, so let's just drop our groceries off and - actually, do you want to meet us at the apartment? Rachel said she'd be out all day. You're not far anyway."

_Rachel's space. I - well, fuck, I've already gotten into her space._ "Um, sure."

"Okay, it's - actually, you don't need the address, do you."

"Nope. Memorized. You guys are off the 6 line, right?" _Not like I_ _checked, just in case she did reach out to me. Nope._

"We are. Meet you in fifteen or so, feel free to wait in the lobby if you get there before us."

"I - okay, sure." _This is weird. Right? It's weird._ "I'll, um, I'll see you then." Shaking his head, he skimmed down the stairs to the train.

* * *

"You're insane, you know that?" Will settled the bags on Dan's lap, holding the bar above his head. "What exactly do you want from this?"

"You know, _you've _gotten to talk to him. You've seen him figure out his stuff. And I can sympathize through what you tell me. But in _my _head?" Dan drew his lips into a tight line. "He's still the asshole who hurt my little girl."

"Oh, honey..." Will leaned down to kiss the top of his head. "I should've guessed. I'm sorry, baby, of course. So what happens if you don't approve?"

"I kick him in the jewels, toss him out on his ear, and drop his guitar from the balcony." Dan smiled up at his startled husband, arranging groceries as the train started to move.

* * *

Noah stood across the street, looking up towards the building. _Is it too stalkery to try to guess her window?_ He rolled his eyes. _Fucking kidding me? Of course._ Shoving his hands in his pockets, he crossed the street, blowing out a breath and walking into the lobby.

"Can I help you, sir?" The man at the desk looked up from his paper. "Who might you be here to see?"

"I, uh, I'm here for the Berrys." Noah smoothed his hand down his lapel. "William and Daniel Berry. They might not be here. They said they might not." _You sound like an asshole._

He nodded. "They'd be right. I think they were going grocery shopping, and Ms. Berry is out auditioning. She's amazing." He nodded towards Noah's guitar. "You here for them or for her?"

Noah gave a half-smile. _Since I'm telling the truth today..._"Both, as a matter of fact. Noah Puckerman." He held out a hand.

"Michael Collins. Hey, are you the Noah Puckerman from those packages? Shoot, I was wondering if you really existed." He shook his hand firmly. "Nice to meet you, man. And might I say, good taste."

Noah laughed, rubbing a hand over his scalp and taking off the sunglasses. "Thanks. Yeah, Rachel is kind of the whole package." _And I hope I didn't realize it too late._

"No kidding. Real sweetheart too." Michael picked up his mug of tea. "She actually gave me this on her way out, she heard me cough and presented me with a tea bag and explicit instructions on how to make it, what to put in it -"

He closed his eyes and smiled. _I know this. _"Echinacea green tea, steep for five minutes, honey and lemon?"

Michael held up the tiny packets. "Yeah, okay, you're serious about her."

He opened his mouth to reply, closing it again. _Serious. Noah Puckerman, serious about a girl._ "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

"Well good. Because here are the Berrys." Michael gestured behind him at the opening door.

Will ushered Dan inside, smiling at Noah and nodding at Michael. "Hello, Noah."

_Why is it every fucking time I'm in this city my whole life depends on it going well?_ Drawing a deep breath and drawing confidence from Michael's nod, he held out a hand. "Will, it's been a while."

Will looked him up and down, shaking his hand. "It certainly has, son, you look a far cry from the boy in the cereal aisle."

_I fucking hope so. _Noah rubbed his other hand over the back of his neck, shrugging. "They say you look better and you feel better, so..."

Will released the handshake, urging Dan forward with a hand to the small of his back. "Noah, you remember Daniel."

"Mr. Berry." Noah held his hand out again. "It's been quite a long time. A pleasure to see you, sir." _Especially as a grown-up._

Dan shook his hand, raising a brow. "Wait until after I rake you over the coals for hurting my daughter and say that."

Noah swallowed hard, nodding and licking his lips. "I deserve that." _I know I do._

Will swatted Dan on the shoulder. "Deserve_d,_ maybe. But let's you and I show Dan how far you've come over lunch."

_Time to step it up. _Noah picked up the grocery bags Dan had set down. "Let me help you with these."

"Thank you." Dan narrowed his eyes at Noah. "Don't think this gets you points when it comes to Rachel."

_Fuck. _He cleared his throat. "No, sir."

Will shook his head. "And you thought I was the tough one."

* * *

"You going to be okay, Rach?" Lori wiped the hot sauce from her mouth as she finished her falafel. "You can always hang by here."

Rachel shook her head. "Juilliard is fine, Lor, I'll just avoid that corridor, maybe I'll just stay in J's studio."

Lori shook her head, collecting their garbage and tossing it. "Rach, how long are you going to hide from whatever the hell this is with Noah?"

"Et tu, Lori?" Rachel sipped her lemonade and sighed. "How's forever sound?" _Damn it, I know, I know I have to but I just..._

"Impossible, actually." Lori nudged her shoulder. "Honey, you can't move on for real until you deal."

Rachel tightened her coat around her and smiled grimly. "Good thing I have no interest in anything serious then." _And I already reached that conclusion, Lor._

"And you do realize you're too young to be this jaded?"

"Shhhhh." Rachel gave a sardonic smile. "It's worked thus far, hasn't it?" _Ha. Who are you kidding?_

Lori laughed. "Not really, but I'll let you believe it," she said, patting Rachel on the head.

* * *

Will opened the door to the condo, nodding Dan and Noah inside. "Welcome to our humble abode."

Noah blinked as he walked in, wood and windows surprising him. _There's nothing humble about this._ "It's a beautiful place."

Dan took the bags from him and moved to the kitchen. "Thank you. We're lucky to have found something this nice on our schedule. We didn't actually anticipate moving here this soon."

"Daniel!" Will placed a hand on Noah's shoulder. "Noah, please accept my apology, Dan is just -"

"No, no apology. I owe _him_ one." Noah put his guitar down and walked into the kitchen to face Dan directly. _Just tell him the truth. _"I've apologized to Will and to Rachel, and now I'll apologize to you. I was an asshole. I know I was. I didn't know what I was doing. Somewhere in my head it made sense, 'cause I knew I didn't deserve her. But that wasn't fair to either of us, and if I had it to do over again, I would do so much - no."

_Not true. _Noah shook his head, looking to Will. "I wish like anything that I didn't hurt her. But the person in front of you right now isn't the same person who hurt her. You can ask just about anyone. I wish I hadn't hurt her, but I did need to grow the fuck up. I did and now I want to prove it to you and to her. I'm more sorry than I can say that I hurt her. I don't intend to do it again."

Dan eyed him. "Practice that much?"

"No, sir. If I had, I wouldn't have cursed." He shook his head again. _Figures._ "Sorry about that."

Dan huffed. "Just because Rachel doesn't curse doesn't mean we hate it. We live in New York City, it's its own language." He looked at Will and dropped his shoulders. "Sit."

Frowning quickly, Noah took a seat at the table. _I think I'm afraid._

"What's your stance on chicken francese?"

_Chicken - Seriously? _He frowned quickly and replied. "Um, I don't have it often but I like it."

"Good. I cook, you talk. How was your audition?" Dan started moving around the kitchen.

"I - I think it went well." Noah looked over to Will, who nodded. "They wanted two pieces, so I performed one on guitar and one on piano."

"How many of those were about Rachel?" Dan smiled over his shoulder. "Will let me listen to the last piece you sent."

_Well shit._ Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Noah said quietly, "Both of them."

"Play me one."

_Did he just - _"I'm sorry?" Noah blinked. _You want me to perform?_

"You heard me." Dan raised a brow. "Play me the newest song you wrote."

Will pulled the flour from the cabinet and started breading chicken. "Go ahead, Noah, take your jacket and tie off. You can hang them in my office if you want, or on the back of the chair."

Noah stood, shrugging off his jacket and loosening his tie. _This is a test. I know it is._ He draped it over the chair and picked up his guitar. He chuckled. "The latest song I wrote isn't finished. It's actually for her to sing with me, so you have to forgive me if I don't do it justice."

_"Relationship lost on a stormy sea  
__I hold on to you  
__Just hold on to me  
__When the lighting strikes  
__You hear the thunder roaring  
__And you don't know how long  
__This will go on_

_But I know I still love you  
__And I know you still care  
__So keep on tryin' when you're sure you still love me_

_I don't know much  
__But I know how to love you  
__Doesn't that mean anything?_

_I don't know much  
__But I know how to love you..."_

Noah strummed the last chord again. Dropping his hand from the guitar, he glanced across the table at Will. "That's all I have so far, that first verse and the chorus."

Will looked over at Dan. "So?"

"He can keep the guitar and his testicles." Dan poured the white wine into the skillet, turning to Noah. "And you can tell me how we can help with Rachel."

_Wait, what?_ He drew a hand over his face. "You - I - help with Rachel?"

"Yes, help with Rachel. She may not be sure she's in love with you, be we're sure she is. What can we do to help? We've got between now and August to soften her up to the idea."

"I - Mr. Berry, I'm extremely flattered by your offer. You really have no idea how much it means to me." _I can't believe I'm gonna say this._ "But really, I don't want any help with Rachel, not yet anyway. I can be patient with her." He gave a small self-deprecating smile. "She's worth it."

* * *

_Is this even worth it?_ Rachel looked up as the screen counted down the stops and rolled her shoulders. _Maybe I _will _just stop home for a while. I think I'm just drained. I'll go home and just relax before I head up for the Manhattan School, and then work my way down to Juilliard. _

* * *

"She is," Noah repeated. "I know that everything with me and her has gotten mixed up with you and Lori, but in the end, if we work, I want it to be between Rachel and me. I fucked up." _I hope they meant it, about - _He looked from one to the other. "The cursing thing, you said it was okay." _Right?_

Will chuckled and held out the platter for the chicken. "It's fine, Noah. And in this case, quite apt."

Noah nodded, smirking. _No shit. _ "Sometimes only a curse word will do. But anyway, the point is I want to work this out with just us, or as much just us as I can manage. I told Lori I'm getting annoyed at the interference, but I get it. Especially today. And I realize that she's still really hurting. Not like I didn't already know that but -"

"We get the point, Noah." Dan twirled angel hair pasta onto their plates and brought them to the table. "And that's actually getting you more points in my book. Let's eat, then you can tell us how _she _did."

* * *

Rachel sighed and drew her coat tighter, opening the door and smiling. _Home, sweet home._ "Hello, Michael, how are you feeling?"

"Ms. Berry!" Michael grinned and hit the elevator button. "Much better, thanks. How's it going?"

"I only had the one - I have several others, but they're all starting in two hours. I was originally going to school to wait, since all of them are uptown, but I'm craving the comforts of the familiar." She stepped into the elevator. "I'll see you on my way out. Let me know if you need more tea."

"I surely will. And I think you'll find home to be more comfortable than you can imagine."

The elevator doors closed on Michael's wide smile. _That was...odd. _Rachel shook her head, leaning back against the wall of the elevator car.

* * *

"And you could just tell from the look in her eyes - just that little flash - that it still annoyed her they asked her to change something. It was just like you'd think she'd react. But she did, and she even did what they wanted with the verse. They didn't ask her to change anything else and she moved on to On My Own. And she of course blew that out of the water." _Now that I think about it..._Noah paused, shaking his head. "Even better now. Guessing that's thanks to me."

The intercom buzzed. "Gentlemen, the eagle has landed," Michael's voice came through the speaker.

"The eagle has - _Rachel."_ _What the fuck are you doing home? _Noah shoved back from the table, grabbing his plate and his glass. "Shit - where - what should I - "

"Sit down, Noah." Will stood, squeezing his shoulder. "You sit and enjoy your lunch. I'll talk to my daughter."

* * *

Rachel opened the door, blowing out a breath. _This was a good idea. _"Hello? Dad? Daddy?"

"Hey, baby girl." Will walked out into the foyer from the kitchen. "Didn't expect to see you home."

"Hi, Daddy." Rachel dropped her bag and crossed to him, hugging him tightly. _I needed home. _"I thought I'd just go up to school, but I'm just...I'm just so tired." She sighed and closed her eyes. "Where's Dad?"

"He's in the kitchen, honey. We have company." Will leaned back to look at her. "I think you know who's over."

* * *

Noah dived into the chicken, cleaning the plate quickly. _This was not how I wanted it to go..._"Mr. Berry -"

"Dan, Noah. You passed with flying colors today, it's Dan." He leaned back in his chair and exhaled. "Trust the professional. If there's anyone who can navigate this, it's Will."

"I know you're right." Noah drained his glass and glanced over his shoulder. "I just wish I knew what was going on."

* * *

"I don't know what's going on, Daddy, but this isn't funny." Rachel narrowed her eyes at him. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"He said you sounded amazing. Not like I'm surprised. He had some down time and your dad wanted to meet him in person. Want a plate of chicken francese?"

Rachel blinked, shaking her head. "Dad cooked. For Noah. Who's sitting at my kitchen table." _Where am I? Is this real life? _"I think I'm going to lay down."

"You sure you don't want to say hello, honey? He's got his next audition soon, we're just finishing lunch." Will kept his tone even and light. "I can make a plate for you easily. Or wait a minute - he said you and Lori were having lunch. All right, I suppose a nap is a good use of your time then. Saying hi just takes a second, though."

* * *

"I could be out of here in a second. I swear I could." Noah brought his dishes to the dishwasher. _Seriously, I could. _"Just tell her to hang out in her room. Damn it, I _knew _this wasn't a good idea."

"Noah, relax." Dan peered out to see Will and Rachel talking quietly. "She looks slightly dazed, but so far she hasn't started screaming or running. Nothing has been thrown, nor have any tears been shed. Shock is a wonderful function of the human body."

"Shock?" Noah frowned. _Moron, she told you what her fathers did. But if the doctor is talking about shock..._"You don't mean literally, do you? Cause I will jump out the window if it's actually physically hurting -"

_"Relax, _I said." Dan guided Noah back to the chair. "Just wait."

* * *

"Just wait, I'll get him, you stay right here." Will dropped a kiss on her forehead and stepped back. "Yes?"

_"No."_ Rachel shook her head. _I came home to _recover_ from him, not to run into him. _"I don't - I can't - I already -" She exhaled, closing her eyes. "I already listened to a song he sent me today. I don't think - I don't know if I can -"

"I don't know if I can." Noah hung his head in his hands. _She's freaking out in the next room, I'm sure she is. _"Dan, Lori and I went through a whole thing so she didn't see me and then I waltz into her fucking home. I'm such an asshole, I should've listened to my instincts."

"I listened to a song of his too, Rachel. It was beautiful. And I heard and saw that he gets it. He understands he fucked up. His words, not mine. Now wish him luck because I know there's part of you that wants nothing more than to see him. If you didn't so desperately want to see him, you wouldn't so desperately want to forget." Will squeezed her shoulders, calling back towards the kitchen. "Noah?"

* * *

"You're on." Dan patted his shoulder and moved to the side. "It's about time for you two to at least see each other. But if you try to kiss her again I'm going to hurt you. Just bear that in mind."

"I can control myself." _I may not _want _to but I can. _He stood."Is this really about to happen?"

* * *

"This isn't happening." Rachel shook her head again. _Noah, in my house. On the day I was hoping to exorcise some of those old demons. _"Daddy, why would you - I - he can't - I don't want to -"

* * *

"I don't want to upset her." Noah hovered at the threshold of the doorway, drinking her in. "But I'm not going to." _Not after this long, not today._ He stepped out into the foyer. "Hi, Rachel."

Rachel's eyes flew to his as she froze. _Oh my God._

He licked his lips. _Just keep talking. _"I - I'm sorry to invade your space, I wouldn't be here if I thought you'd be home."

She swallowed, sniffling. _I wouldn't be here if I thought you'd be here either. _

_She's not running. _He continued, stepping slightly closer. "And I just want to wish you luck. I hope you got my card."

She inhaled slowly. _Just get this over with. _"I did, Noah, thank you. You're looking well."

"I've got a lot at stake at these auditions. I think I might have mentioned that once or twice." He shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets. "I've been working on the whole package, like you always said." _Now I just need you._

"I'm happy for you." She drew her coat tighter around herself. _I shouldn't have worn this dress. I feel...like it's all too close._

"Thanks. It's your influence. I like it." _I love you. Shit, Puckerman, not now. Not yet. _"Anyway, you have awesome parents. And I, uh, I just want to say thanks for sharing. I'm - I'm gonna just - I have to get to Juilliard."

"What time do you have to be uptown, sweetheart? Want company on the subway?" Dan entered the fray, kissing Rachel on the temple and sliding an arm around her shoulders. "Noah's just about ready to go. Go ahead and grab your things, Noah."

Spinning on his heel, Noah went back into the kitchen. _I'm good at following orders today. Huh._

"Rachel." Dan leaned his cheek to the top of her head. "I know you're hurting, sweetheart, but I can tell you that Noah has come a long way. He's grown up. I'd love for you to see it. Maybe then you could let go a little bit more, knowing that the careless boy who hurt you is gone."

"I - I know that would help, and I already know that he's gone, Dad." Rachel closed her eyes, brow furrowed. _That's the problem. If I let it go completely, I'm just left missing him..._

Shrugging into his jacket, Noah placed his sunglasses on his face and strapped the guitar on. _Well, I think that went as well as it could. _"Thanks again for lunch, Dan." He nodded to Dan, holding out a hand. "It was delicious. I hope to do it again someday."

Rachel buried her face in Dan's chest for a moment, looking up warily. _Oh my God._

"Will, thanks as always." He shook Will's hand, chest bumping with a smile. "I'll let you know how it goes." Swallowing hard, he turned back towards Rachel. _Do I have to go? _"Break a leg with everything else today, Rachel. Not like you need it."

"I - thank you, Noah." _It was you. Right there. It was you. _"You too." _You were right there. Did you -_

_**"Really talented hot guy."**_

Noah leaned in to kiss her lightly on the cheek, lips lingering while he closed his eyes. _I miss you._ "Later, Rach."

Her hand fluttered toward her cheek before she clenched a fist. _Do _not _do it, Rachel._ "Goodbye, Noah."

He opened his mouth and closed it again, grabbing her hand quickly. _I love you. I'm coming back to you._He held it tightly, squeezing before letting her go. "Thanks again for everything. Rach, your dads are amazing. It makes sense considering how phenomenal you are. And I'm lucky to have you all in my life." He nodded to the men, holding Rachel's gaze for a long moment before he let himself out of the apartment.

Rachel stared blankly at the closed door. "I'm going to take a nap." _And pretend none of this happened. _She turned and headed for her bedroom.

"That went well." Dan tucked himself onto Will's shoulder.

"She's going to be pretty displeased when she processes." Will dropped a kiss on Dan's head. "But do you have any doubts _now?"_

"Oh, no." Dan shook his head, looking up at Will with a smile. "Not a one. He is absolutely in love with her, and he is not the stupid boy who broke her heart. I see it clear as day. Thanks."

"If only she saw it." Will kissed Dan softly. "She's not ready yet. And he's right not to push her."

Dan grinned, raising a brow. "How about us?"

* * *

"How about that?" Michael smiled as Noah stepped off the elevator. "Was she surprised to see you?"

"You could say that, yeah." Noah glanced behind him, running a hand over his head. "She definitely didn't expect to see me." _And I didn't expect to see her either. _

"Well, where you goin' then?"

"I have another audition, gotta get uptown to Juilliard." _Wish I didn't._

"You guys could go to school together! That's fantastic." Michael nodded. "Good - wait a sec, it's break a leg, right? Break a leg, Mr. Puckerman, and I hope to see you later."

"I hope to be back, Michael, and it's Noah." He stuck his hand out. "Thanks for taking care of those packages and of Rachel." _And more for Rachel than anything else._

Michael shook it with a smile. "No need to thank me, Noah. Ms. Rachel is one of the best people I know."

"No argument here." _Not anymore. _Noah picked up his guitar. "Off to try to get my ass into Juilliard."

"Hope so." Michael smiled. "I'm sure Ms. Rachel does too."

* * *

Rachel blinked hazily as her alarm sang, shaking her head. _I'm going to pretend that wasn't real. It was just a bad dream. _She slipped the dress back on, stepping outside her bedroom with a sigh. "Dad, Daddy, I'm going to pretend like I had a vivid nightmare, all right? I have three auditions to get through, and then Lori and I are going to dinner. At some point, I'm sure I will have to stop and process the reality that Noah Puckerman was having lunch with my fathers, but for as long as I possibly can, I do believe I'm going to avoid it."

Will peeked over from the back of the couch, nodding slowly. "Fair enough. Good luck, honey, I'm sure you'll do wonderfully. Would you like us to come with you?"

Dan sat up, smiling at her. "It'd be fun! Would they let us in? Do you want us there?"

"No, no, thank you." _I'm not sure I even like you right now. _"I think I'm better off by myself. Much easier to relegate this afternoon to the recesses. Thank you though." Picking up her bag and shaking her head again, she kissed each father in turn. "I'll see you later." She gingerly touched the doorknob as she exited the apartment.

Will shook his head. "Good thing she knows we love her, or else I get the feeling we'd be in real trouble."

Dan scoffed. "When they get back together, she'll thank us."

"When?" Will raised a brow. "He made that much of an impression?"

"That boy looks at her like we do. I can't think of anyone better." Dan laid his head on Will's shoulder. "Think inviting him over every week would be a good start?"

"No." Will shook his head. "I think Noah's got the right idea here, honey. Save the matchmaking for Fiddler, hmm?"

"Mmm, maybe." Dan leaned up to kiss him. "I make no promises."

* * *

_Oh, shit. Lori's promise._ Noah looked up at Juilliard, slipping his cell from his pocket. _Do I tell her not to?_ He rubbed a hand over his mouth. _Actually, I'm gonna leave it alone. I'll find out in a few hours, right?_ He dialed his mother's cell. "Hey, Ma."

"Noah!" Ilana smiled, waving Sarah over from the edge of the playground. "You all done?"

"Yup, I'm done, for now." He turned his back to the building and headed towards the subway. _I've done all I can do and more than I thought I would._

"How did it go? Are you with Rachel? Can I start planning the wedding?" Ilana pressed a hand to her heart. "Please tell me I can start planning the wedding."

Noah laughed, ending on a sigh. "No, Ma, not with Rachel. I did see her, though. Will and Dan invited me by for lunch." _And that's _still _weird._

"They - you - what?"

"Pretty much my reaction. I called Will for some advice and apparently Dan wanted to meet me. We had lunch at the apartment, thinking Rach was out all day." Noah shook his head. "I should've known when it comes to her, if it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." _Then again, I _did_ get to see her..._

"Oh, honey." Ilana laughed. "So she shows up, you're there, and she kicks you in the nuts. Something like that?"

"Emotionally, not physically." _Thank fuck for that. _"She was in shock. I got to wish her luck though. That's something." _And I managed not to jump her. Points for me. _"Oh, and I bumped into her best friend this morning. She promised to tell Rach I was here after she was done for the day. I, um...I'm not gonna call her off."

"A little push," she commented. "I like it."

"Listen, Ma, I'm gonna go." Noah stopped at the top of the stairs. _What a fucking roller coaster._ "I saw Rachel today. The audition at Juilliard was nothing compared to that."

* * *

Rachel swirled her Riesling, exhaling roughly. "Well, senior recital will be nothing compared to this." She took a sip with a smile, tipping her head back. _Thank goodness this day is done._ "My entire body aches from today."

"Performing is a real physical activity, Rach, you know that." Lori toasted her and took a sip of hers. "Second set of auditions go well?"

"Mmm, yes. Considering." Shaking her head, she took another longer drink. "I had an _interesting _afternoon, shall we say." _Entirely _too _interesting._

Lori peered at her friend over the wine glass. "I had an interesting _morning_. You wanna go first, or shall I?"

Rachel waved Lori on. "Oh, you first, you won't believe mine." _I barely do. _

"You were hanging at school, what could be so interesting about that?" Lori tilted her glass, admiring the color. "Wait a second." Lori lowered it and looked at Rachel. "You _were _hanging at school. Weren't you?"

Rachel sipped her wine. _I should have been..._

"Oh, shit." Shaking her head, Lori took a long drink. "You saw him, didn't you."

"In my _own damn home."_ Rachel drained her glass. _"You_ saw him this morning, didn't you." She raised a brow. _This all makes sense now._ At Lori's look, she repeated, "Really talented hot guy."

Lori bit her lip. "Guilty?" She sighed and sipped. "He made me promise not to say anything to you until after everything was done today. How the hell did he end up at - Will."

"He called Daddy?" She rolled her eyes. _I should've known._

Lori nodded. "That's what he was going to do when he left. He was going to call Will while I got you out of the area."

"Well, he did." _Why am I not surprised that he did..._"And apparently Dad wanted to see him in person, while they had the chance." She sipped again.

"And _you _weren't supposed to be home." Lori pointed her glass towards Rachel.

Rachel frowned. "No." _Why should that matter though? _She made another selection from the list and drained her glass. "No, I wasn't. But I listened to that CD and I just...I wanted home."

"And then you get there, and it's right in your face." Lori reached out to squeeze her hand. "Oh, Rach. You okay?"

"I don't know." She pinched the bridge of her nose. _I hate that that answer is so accurate so often. _"I really don't know. It's less...sharp. The pain. A dull throb over a stab."

"Hey, progress!" Lori wagged her eyebrows until Rachel smiled. "Look, I'm not gonna push you then. He wanted me to tell you he was here all night and that you could call him. Whenever."

"I do hope he's not holding his breath." Rachel made a sour face at Lori, looking around the room. _Now I'm going to be paranoid..._"Did you tell him where we were going for dinner? Should I be on the lookout for him here?"

Lori rolled her eyes. "No, you don't have to be on the - wait!"

_No! _Rachel spun in her seat, wide-eyed. "Where?"

Swiping Rachel's glass, Lori shook her head. "Wow. Rach, you're a mess." Lori sipped the new wine. "Mmm, not bad." Handing her back her beverage, Lori picked up her own. "No, he doesn't know where we're going. And he left it up to me about when to tell you. I could've told you - I was going to tell you, actually - when we got back to the apartment, after you had a lovely Noah-free day. That's what he wanted."

"Well, that's not what we ultimately experienced." Tipping her glass back again, Rachel closed her eyes. _And I wish I knew whether that was good or bad..._"He really was _right there_. I saw him. Out the window, I saw him crossing the street. And there was something in the way he walked, the way he jogged across the street. It was so familiar. But I concluded it couldn't possibly be."

"After all that trouble, you saw him crossing the street and ended up going home, where he was having lunch. Your life. No, thank you." Lori clinked her glass. "You don't have to call him, Rach. He just wanted me to let you know, that's all. I don't think he expects anything if he saw you today."

"He didn't call you to tell you _not _to say anything. That means he still expects something." Rachel picked at the cheese platter. _Of course._

"Or that he didn't think about it." Lori popped an olive into her mouth, chewing contentedly. "Or that I didn't check my phone, or he forgot his charger, or any number of things. Relax. Just don't call him."

"I won't." _I won't. I know what I'm doing. It's time to put this aside. _Rachel raised her glass and downed her drink.

* * *

Noah downed his drink and picked up his phone. _Let's see..._

**Told her. Hear u had a gr8 lunch. Don't hold ur breath 4 a call.**

_Well, at least now you know what you're doing tonight. _He grabbed the staff paper and his guitar._ Let's see about writing that song you've been hearing in your head since seeing Rach this morning..._

* * *

_What are you doing, Rachel? _She chewed her lip and listened to the beginning of the ringtone.

Noah lunged for his phone. _Is she really - she's actually - _"Hello?"

Rachel held her breath.

"Rach, I know it's you. I - shit, I can't believe you're calling." _Don't hold your breath, she said. Holy shit._

_Neither can I. _She licked her lips, opening her mouth to reply and closing it again. _I shouldn't have..._

Noah pressed his hand to his head. _Don't fuck this up, Puckerman. _"Listen, I - I'm so sorry for invading your privacy. Well, I mean, I didn't really because I didn't go into your bedroom. Not even down the hall. I swear, ask your dads. I didn't go anywhere other than the, like, public spaces. But I'm still sorry I didn't say no. I thought - well, your dads seemed pretty convinced you weren't coming back. I um, I hope everything went okay after I left your audition." _Oh shit. _He slapped himself in the forehead. "I...I watched. Just the first two pieces. Then I left for my audition. And...I forgot to mention how beautiful you look in that dress."

"Thank you," she managed. _You never did tell me. Ever._

"Rachel..." Noah closed his eyes, shaking his head. _You're so close. So fucking close..._"Rach, do you want to meet somewhere? Coffee, wine, hell, I hear there's this 24 hour Polish place...anything?"

_Why? Why now, when that's all I wanted for so - _"I shouldn't have called," she whispered. "Noah, I can't -"

"Okay, no meeting up. That's fine. I can handle that. I saw you once today. I'll take it. This is bonus." He looked over at the clock. "Or possibly a really vivid dream at half-past midnight." _I really hope it's not that._

Rachel giggled, clapping a hand over her mouth. _You're a mess, Rachel, stop it right now! _"Noah -"

"You know what? I don't want to know. I'm going to think that you're all relaxed after a day of kicking ass and taking names, and I'm not a monumental fuck up, and you're calling me to unwind. Don't say anything." _I'm going to take advantage of actually having you on the line. _He grabbed his guitar and strummed a chord. "Just...I'm going to pretend that...that this is before I managed to ruin the best fucking thing I ever had, and I'm going to play you to sleep, like we did that night in the summer."

* * *

_**"But I don't want to go to bed, Noah, it's too hot. I know I suffer for my art, but the lack of air conditioning is going to be my death. I can't even get comfortable."**_

**Rolling his eyes, he paced to the window. **_**If Ma wasn't working...**_**"I told you you could come by, Rach, Sarah's asleep and Ma's got the overnight. Otherwise I'd be over there, and over **_**you -"**_

_**"Noah!"**_

**He grinned. "You love it. We'd be all hot and sticky, and I'd just lick -"**

_**"Noah Puckerman, you stop it right now! I'm overheated enough!"**_** Rachel giggled.**_** "You're insatiable."**_

_**When it comes to you. **_**"Just part of my charm, baby." He picked up the guitar, strumming lightly.**

_**"Play me a lullaby."**_

**"What?" He frowned. "What the fuck am I, your babysitter?"**

_**"Noah! A lullaby. Daddy used to attempt to sing me to sleep. He was slightly flat at times, but the heart was there."**_

**"I don't know any lullabies."** _**I was willing to learn...**_

_**"Oh, Noah." **_**Rachel's voice was soft. **_**"Noah, that was thoughtless. I'm sorry."**_

_**Damn it. Why the fuck do you get me when I don't get myself? **_**"It's - it's fine. Forget it."**

_**"No. I won't. Noah, I won't forget. All right? And you don't have to either."**_

**He winced, picking out a melody. **_**Yes, I do, damn it. **_**He quietly began to sing.**

_**"Hey, I  
**__**ain't never coming  
**__**home**_

_**Hey, I'll  
**__**just wander my  
**__**own road**_

_**Hey, I  
**__**can't meet you here tomorrow...**_

_**Say goodbye - don't follow.**_  
_**Misery so hollow ..." **_

**He played acoustic rock ballads until he heard soft snores on the line, grinning as he hung up the phone. **_**Thanks.**_

* * *

He started to play. "You can go along if you want, you can hang up, you can put the phone somewhere and walk away. But I hope you listen. I wanted to play this one for you first. So I'm gonna pretend that you're listening, no matter what, okay?" Licking his lips, he started to sing softly.

_"The dawn is breaking,_  
_A light shining through._  
_You're barely waking,_  
_And I'm tangled up in you,  
__yeah..."_

Rachel pressed a hand to her heart. _Oh, Noah..._

_"I'm open, you're closed._  
_Where I follow, you'll go._  
_I worry I won't see your face_  
_Light up again..."_

Noah leaned into the phone, squeezing his eyes shut as he sang. _If I had it to do again, Rach...I'd slap some sense into myself and never let you go..._

_"Even the best fall down sometimes._  
_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme._  
_Out of the doubt that fills my mind,_  
_I somehow find you and I collide..."_

Tears sprang to her eyes as she crossed the room, turning the phone to speaker and laying it carefully on her vanity. Biting her lip, she moved to the closet to change.

_"I'm quiet, you know._  
_You make a first impression..._  
_I've found I'm scared to know_  
_I'm always on your mind..."_

Noah inhaled raggedly. _I know, Rach, I get it. I swear I will never hurt you again if I can help it._

_"Even the best fall down sometimes._  
_Even the stars refuse to shine._  
_Out of the back you fall in time,_  
_I somehow find you and I collide..."_

Rachel picked the phone up again, climbing into bed and setting the phone on the pillow next to her.

_Please be listening. _Noah played the break, closing his eyes as he sang.

_"Don't stop here._  
_I lost my place..._  
_I'm close behind..."_

_You always are..._Rachel swiped at her eyes. _No matter what I try, or far I try to run, you are..._

_"Even the best fall down sometimes._  
_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme._  
_Out of the doubt that fills your mind,_  
_You finally find you and I collide..."_

Noah let the final notes fade into silence. "Rach?" _Say something._

She brushed furiously at her cheeks, inhaling brokenly. "I'm here," she managed. _That - about - you really feel -_

"Rach, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I'm coming back to you. I want to try this for real. I told your dads. Hell, I told your _doorman._ And I'm telling you. You don't have to agree, but you have to know. I fucking mean it." He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "I - Rach, I should've told you that - that I -" _Dude, what the fuck, you can say it to everyone -_

"No." She shook her head, sitting up. _I still can't handle hearing it._ "Please don't, Noah. I'm too - I can't. That was - that was beautiful. Good luck with everything. I need to go."

_Don't force it. _"Okay, all right, that's cool. I'll...I'm just...I'm here, okay? If you wanna call or whatever. I'm here all night."

"Good night, Noah." _Rachel! _She pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head.

"Good night, Rach." He hung up with a grin. _Good night. She said good night._

_Good night? You said Good night? _Rachel rolled over in bed, placing the phone on the nightstand. _Oh, Rachel. You're in trouble._

* * *

**A.N. **And since I just cut the original chapter up, I'm already into chapter 12. But in the meantime...review? Let me know you still give a damn if I write this? :)


	13. Grace

_Suggested listening: Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri; Take it From Me, The Weepies; Swallowed in the Sea, Coldplay_; _One, U2; Illusions, Mark Salling; Make it Good, Fink; Grace, Michelle Malone; Patterns, Band of Skulls; Bluebird, Sara Bareilles_

**_A.N.: _**_I hope everyone is having a lovely holiday, and thank you as always for your patience with these updates. I do hope you approve. :)_

* * *

**Chapter 12: Grace**

_**March**_

Trouble arrived at the beginning of the month. Michael handed a package over with a smile. "This one's perishable. More chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds, maybe?"

Rachel shook the box suspiciously. "I do believe you're right, Michael." _And I_ _refuse to think of what significance he finds in it._

"He's a nice guy, I'm glad for you." Michael nodded towards the care package. "If he was here last week, he must've put that in the mail for you as soon as he got back."

_Damn it, why must every single_ _person who meets him here be on his side? _"Thank you." She smiled tightly and moved to the elevators. _Much simpler to go along with it than try to explain._

Returning to her room, she opened it to find the chocolates as Michael had surmised. _Of course. I'm sure Daddy told him I loved them._ Frowning, she pulled a small rectangular box, the front display reading 237600. _What on Earth does that mean?_ She turned it to find a small white tab labeled "Pull". Raising a brow, she set it aside and extracted sheet music and a card.

She picked up the sheet music. _I don't think I want to know..._Rachel turned it face down on her desk.

She chewed her lower lip while turning the card over in her hands. _Do I?_ She slipped a finger under the edge of the envelope and held her breath when it opened. _He didn't seal it..._She shook her head. _You're better than this, Rachel. Read it._ She pulled out the card, a cartoon x-ray of a person with a hamster wheel for a brain on the front. She opened it to read, "Thinking of you." _A hamster wheel for a brain. That sounds accurate._ Shaking her head, she turned to the handwritten message on the inside of the cover.

_**Dear Rach,**_

_**Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed seeing you. Pull the tab on the clock as soon as you can. It won't be dead on, but it'll be close enough.**_

_**Feel free to call me when you get this, I'd love to hear your gorgeous voice anytime. Anytime, Rach. Day or night to go along with every night in my dreams.**_

_**Can't wait till I see you again,**_

_**Noah**_

She eyed the clock as she opened the bag to munch. _Do I want to know what it's counting down to?_ Rachel bit her lower lip and wrote down the number, setting it next to her computer. _Maybe later. Maybe._

* * *

Noah threw himself down on the bed face first._ I am so fucking tired._

"Noah? You all right?" Ilana came in and sat on the bed. "I heard you dragging yourself upstairs, sounded like an old elephant was climbing the stairs."

"I'm exhausted," he mumbled into the mattress. _And not even in the 'I was screwing all night' way._ "All morning doing pools, the afternoon at the garage, and then rehearsal with Schue...I don't know how she does it all."

His mother rubbed his back. "Motivation," she teased.

"I can't believe she has any more motivation than me right now," he countered. _I'm working my ass off to make sure I can get to her._

Ilana chuckled. "Fear," she said. "She's got fear behind her. It's a familiar feeling for our people." She poked his shoulder.

He rolled his eyes. "Nice try, Ma. But she won't even let me close enough for me to show her I'm not going to hurt her again. I can't even tell her I - that I - how I feel." He flipped onto his back. "She won't let me, and it's killing me." _I just want a chance..._

"She's scarred, Noah, and deep." Ilana sighed, shrugging. "You didn't exactly see me dating after your father. It takes time to heal, especially when I'm sure she didn't mean to let her guard down with you."

"Yeah, I know." _And I did the same thing to her that Finn and St. Douche did._ "But that was a long time ago, Ma, and I'm trying so hard..."

"I know, sweetheart. And that probably scares her even more." Ilana squeezed his arm. "I would guess it's easier to be angry and shut you out than to be sad and let you in. Letting you in means she has to try to trust you. And that's more than she's capable of right now."

"But why, Ma? I don't get it." He ran his hands over his face. "Her dads see how much I've changed." _And _they _thought I was an ass all along._

"Yes, but she may not. She may not _want _to," she suggested.

"But why not, Ma? What is there holding her back?" He sat up, shaking his head. _I swear, I know I'm not there but I don't fucking get it..._

"Noah...her heart. It's much easier to deal with if it doesn't involve her heart..." She patted his hand. "You know how deeply you hurt her. A hurt like that doesn't disappear, honey, and while to you it's a long time ago, to someone as sensitive as Rachel? I'm sure it doesn't feel far off at all."

* * *

Rachel glanced at her phone, quickly looking away again. _No. Not calling. I know better. _She shook her head, looking at the clock he'd sent. _Don't I?_

She pulled the tab on the clock and added it and the sheet music to the collection under the bed.

The chocolate-dipped seeds disappeared entirely by the end of the night, once again. _Nothing to do with that myth, Daddy._ Rachel smoothed the empty bag and tucked it into the box as well, pausing for a moment to watch the seconds tick on the clock before closing the lid and shoving the box away.

* * *

_**April**_

_It's your time now. _Rachel blew out a breath and stepped into the spotlight, heart pounding. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she nodded to the accompanist and reached for the microphone.

_"Word came through in a letter -  
__One of us changing our minds.  
__You won't need to guess who  
__since I usually do  
__Not send letters to me  
__that are _mine_..."_

* * *

Glancing down at his wrist, Noah swore. _Can't be late to class. _Throwing on jeans, he opened drawers and rummaged for a shirt.

* * *

_"I told him I saw this coming -  
__That I'd practically packed up my things.  
__I was glad at the time  
__that I said I was fine  
__But all honesty knows,  
__I wasn't ready, no..."_

* * *

He grabbed the CD case from his desk, shoving it into the padded envelope.

* * *

_"So here we go, bluebird...  
__Back to the sky on your own.  
__Oh, let him go, bluebird...  
__Ready to fly - you and I  
__Here we go...  
__Here we go..."_

* * *

He shuffled papers on his desk, looking for a notepad. _Fuck, come on, there's got to be something for me to write on..._

* * *

_"This pair of wings, worn and rusted  
__From too many years by my side  
__They can carry me,  
__swear to be sturdy and strong  
__But see, turning them on still means goodbye..."_

* * *

He looked up and gave a small smile. _Well, I'm gonna be able to get more..._

* * *

_"And so here we go, bluebird...  
__Gather your strength and rise up.  
__Oh, let him go, bluebird  
__Oh, let him go, bluebird..."_

* * *

Noah snatched the photo of the Times Square billboard for West Side Story and flipped it over, scribbling a brief note. _That works. _

* * *

_"Oh, let him go, bluebird  
__Ready to fly, you and I  
__Here we go  
__Here we go  
__Here we go__..."_

Rachel let the note linger in the air, relaxing and grinning at the crowd. _My senior recital. The last hurdle before I leave this all behind. _She curtsied low, pressing a hand to her heart. _I am ready to start anew._

* * *

Noah slipped it into the envelope, stuffed it into his backpack, and ran out to the car. _I didn't forget you, Rach. I couldn't. _He leaned out the window to drop the package in the mailbox on his way past.

* * *

**_Later that week..._**

"We couldn't let this go by without celebrating!" Lori clinked her glass with Rachel's, grinning. "Sorry we had to wait till the weekend though. Wednesdays are tough for drinking."

Rachel smiled. "No, no need to apologize, I'd rather do this on the weekend in any event." _Obviously...So why apologize?_ She looked around the bar quickly. _She wouldn't have...would she?_

"Looking for Noah to come out of the woodwork?" Lori teased. "No worries, I turned off the GPS trackers on both of us for the night."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Cute. Really cute." _And yet, I wondered. _She blew out a breath and shook out her hair. "You know, I promise you, my life does not revolve around Noah Puckerman's presence or absence. It's making _other _people believe that that's the challenge."

"Would probably help if every six months or so you didn't hit a funk." Lori smirked and sipped her sour apple martini. "I mean, honestly, Rach, it's a cycle of horrible."

"I know!" She sipped her French martini and shook her head. _You're not the one living it. _"Believe me, not one I'm pleased with. It's just every so often..."

"There's always something there to remind me," Lori sang quietly. "No, I get it, babe, I do."

"Maybe if he didn't swing through town, it'd be easier," Rachel grumbled. _Like picking at a scab._

"Or if he didn't send care packages or talk to your dad, but he loves you, Rach." Lori took a drink again and shrugged. "You can't blame the guy."

"Lori!" Rachel frowned thunderously. _Damn it, why does everyone insist on telling me that?_ "Shush. I don't want to hear it." _Not ever. _She took another sip of her martini and turned her back to the bar, smiling at the small crowd on the dance floor. "We're just the girls tonight, remember? No boy talk!"

"I know." Lori clinked glasses again. "Sorry, darling. I promise, no pushing from me tonight. Unless it's onto the dance floor." She nudged Rachel towards the swirl of people.

"Care to dance?" A well-dressed man strolled up next to them, holding a French martini out to Rachel.

"She'd love to," Lori replied, taking the mostly empty glass from Rachel's hand. "Have fun!"

* * *

"Video game night. Fun. This all sounds familiar." Finn tossed himself onto the couch.

"Well, good, 'cause I could use a night to get a little out of my head." Noah handed him a beer as he sat on the other side of the couch. _I really don't know how she doesn't lose her fucking mind._

"Seems like. You're working your ass off." Finn popped the top off both bottles. "Is New York gonna be worth it?"

Noah grinned. _If it all goes the way I want it to? _"Hell yeah."_ You might be in for a bigass surprise._

"Why New York?" Finn handed him his drink. "I mean, besides the obvious. Why not closer?"

Noah shook his head. "Just because _you _have no interest in leaving here doesn't mean no one else does." _Lima's got nothing for me._

"Well, yeah, I get that - just look at Rachel. But I mean, she's a special case." He tipped the bottle back, drinking slowly. "She was always a little -"

"A little what?" Noah took a long swig of his beer. _Chill, Puckerman, you're gonna take his head off._

"I dunno." He set the beer on the side table. "A little intense about it. New York to her was like...like Breadstix."

"Really? That's the best you can come up with?" Noah scoffed and grabbed the controllers. _Easy. He's a moron. You know he is._

Finn looked him up and down. "Well yeah, I dunno, like something perfect and magical."

_Like her. _Noah shook himself and narrowed his gaze at Finn. "You know Breadstix isn't magic, Hudson. Right?"

Finn laughed. "I know. There are people making the food. It's just how it never runs out that's magic."

Noah opened his mouth and closed it again. _Not worth it. _"New York is the big deal, dude. It's the real city, not like anything around here. There's always shit to do, somewhere to go, people to see. It's tough and driven and intense and awesome."

"Huh. No wonder Rachel likes it." Finn shrugged and took a swig of his beer. "Sounds like her."

Noah took a long drink. "No shit." _Town is fucking made for her._

Finn scratched his head. "You know, is it weird that no one - nobody - has heard from Rachel? I mean, I know she wanted to make it big and all, but it's weird that she hasn't like, tried to, like, publish it or whatever. Make sure we all knew."

_Seriously? _"Make sure _we _knew?" Tightening his grip on the beer, Noah stared at the television. "Why the fuck would she give a shit about anyone left in this town? It's not like she really had friends here." _And whose fucking fault was that?_ He took another pull from the bottle.

"What do you mean? She had friends here." Finn turned his controller on and frowned at Noah. "The Gleeks were her friends."

"Yeah? You think so?" _You would, you're even more oblivious than I was. _"I don't think anyone, you and me included, was actually her friend while she was here. I think everyone used her and took advantage of the fact that she wanted to be friends and were just looking out for their own." Noah chugged the rest of the beer. "I'm getting another, want one?"

Finn blinked. "Dude. I'm barely half done."

"Well, catch up." Noah stalked into the kitchen, resting his head against the fridge. _I really was a fuck-up, Rach. I'm so sorry. _He grabbed another beer and reclaimed his spot on the couch. "Let's kill shit."

* * *

Rachel laughed as she whirled around the floor, her latest dance partner pulling her back in with a grin. _I forgot how much fun it could be to just dance with a boy. _

"You're gorgeous," he whispered in her ear.

She blushed, shy smile tilting her lips. _And how much fun it could be to hear that. _"Thank you. You're a lovely dancer."

"You bring out the best in me," he replied.

_**"You brought out the best in me, Rach. I should've realized that sooner."**_

Rachel caught her breath at the quick pain. _Damn it. Picking at it again. _"I think I need another martini," she murmured. _Until I can't feel it anymore._

"I'll get you one," he offered.

"I can get my own, thanks. I've had a lovely time but I'm getting back to my friend." She waved at Lori. _And away from potential ghosts. _"I do appreciate the dance though." Rachel leaned up to kiss his cheek and left the floor.

* * *

"I think I need to switch to something stronger." Noah shook his head as Finn fumbled the controller. _Thought _I _was the one who was supposed to get trashed. _"I'm barely buzzed and you're a fucking mess."

Finn nodded. "Go for it. I'm gonna call Quinn. It's funny that I get to call her again. Like a circle."

Noah rolled his eyes. _So fucking easy for you to get her back. _"I'm getting some Jack. Maybe then we can even the playing field."

"Quinn! Hey, Quinn! Yeah, we're having a great time..."

* * *

Lori raised a brow. "What happened? You seemed to be having fun out there."

_My reality check. _Rachel nodded at the bartender. "I was, but I'm here to celebrate with you! Just us girls? Remember?"

Laughing, Lori sipped her own dirty martini. "Sweetheart, I'm here to be your designated subway buddy. Have _fun_. Dance if you want to, I'm just fine."

The bartender slid a French martini towards Rachel. "From the gentleman." He pointed to the corner of the bar, a man in a button down and jeans giving a nod.

"Damn, girl, look at you! We should go out more often!" Lori grinned and waved him over.

"Lori!" Rachel flushed. "Don't you want to enjoy our night?" She smiled tightly as he approached. _Just leave it alone..._

"I am, babe, believe me. I just don't see this Rach often enough. Go, laugh, enjoy. I'll give Connor a call and see if he wants to have a drink." She gestured the would-be suitor closer. "Hi there. I'm Lori, this is Rachel, she's celebrating and not looking for anything serious. You make a wrong move and I'll cut you. Enjoy!" Lori gave her a noisy kiss on the cheek and stepped away.

"Mark. And I'm hoping not to give your friend a reason to cut me. Would a dance be acceptable?" He offered his hand with a wink.

Rachel shook her head. _You know what? _She tossed back the martini with a grin. _Why not? _"You're a brave man," she teased, and took his hand.

* * *

"Cut 'im! Knife him!" Noah gestured at the screen with the bottle. "C'mon, Hudson, y'_suck." Not nearly as good as -_

"S'not my fault, you keep givin' me -" Finn belched, laughing. "- beer."

_S'all you can handle. _"I'd give you somethin' stronger, but you'd end up, like, proposing to Q or some shit." Noah took a drink. _Shitfaced is no fun alone._

_**"It's a private party for **_**one**_**. Maybe two someday, someday when someone wants **_**me **_**more than the cheerleaders, more than their popularity, but right now it's **_**one**_**."**_

He shook his head, massaging the bridge of his nose. _Rach, fuck..._

Finn threw a cushion at Puck. "Fuck you, dude, you just haven't gotten any in too long. And what's with that anyway?"

_I'm so sorry you were alone, that you're still alone. That I left you alone..._He exhaled heavily, answering absently. "Savin' myself for Rachel. She'd fuckin' _kill_ me if I touched anyone else." Noah pounded a fist against his forehead, looking at Finn and chugging Jack as he closed his eyes. _Oh shit._

* * *

"Shit, that makes _how _many guys?" Connor kissed Lori quickly. "I think I should've stayed home and let you monitor her." He nodded towards Rachel.

Turning, Lori rolled her eyes. "That makes probably five? And that many martinis. This is not going to be cute."

"I thought you were watching her anyway?" Connor took Lori's empty glass from her hand and set it on the bar with his.

"She was with that one guy for a while, but I guess she never made it back to us and the bar." Lori pecked him on the cheek. "Look, you head home, I'll tend to our girl."

He gave a half-smile. "Sounds like a plan. Sure you don't need muscle?"

Raising a brow, Lori simply held his gaze.

Connor laughed. "Never mind. Scary enough." He kissed her again. "Love you."

"Love you too, baby. I'll call you." Lori pushed him towards the door and headed to Rachel. She cut in with a smirk. "Sorry, dancing queen, but you'll kill me if I don't get you home." She snaked Rachel away from her partner and led her from the floor.

* * *

_"Huh?" _Finn dropped the controller, turning to his friend. "What did you say?"

"I said I'm savin' myself for the city." _You're drunk enough to believe me._ "Those girls are killer." _I hope. _Noah took a long pull of the Jack.

"Wow, dude, that was so not what I thought I heard." Finn shook his head, pausing the game and looking at his beer. "Maybe I should lay off."

Faking a frown, Noah turned away. "I don't know what else you could've heard, Hudson, get your head checked." _Thank fuck._

"S'funny though. I thought you said..." He shook his head again. "I'm gonna switch to water, I think."

* * *

"Rach, come on. Bed." Lori guided her through the apartment. "Hey Will, hey Dan. We were celebrating."

Dan chuckled. "We can tell. Just get her to the bedroom, I'll grab a glass of water and some ibuprofen."

"Thanks." Lori kept her arm around Rachel's waist. "Come on, babe. I swear, I can't leave you unattended, the boys all ply you with liquor."

"S'cause I'm hot," Rachel commented, grinning. _Gorgeous and sexy and wanted..._ "I look good with a martini."

Lori rolled her eyes at Will. "The boys got to her, her glass was never empty and they took her off onto the dance floor." She urged her forward slightly. "C'mon, Rach."

Will chuckled. "Can't say I'm surprised. But she had a good time?"

"I had a great time, Daddy! I can still have fun, y'know." _I can. _She tapped Lori on the nose as they walked slowly down the hall. "I have a whole life here, with friends and people and stuff. I enjoy my life. Why doesn't anyone believe me?"

_**"You're in **_**New York**_** Fucking **_**City,**_** Rach, and I bet you barely see anything but stages. For fuck's sake, slow down." **_

Rachel swatted in front of her eyes to clear the recollection. _Stop it, go away..._

"Because it takes a bottle of Grey Goose to get you to dance?" Lori muttered. "We believe you, Rach, we know. There's always a reason when you're down. It's okay, honey."

_She gets it. _Rachel exhaled shakily. _That's important. _"Thank you, Lor. I just - I want to not be in love, 'kay? I don't want to."

Will shook his head at them both. "We know, baby girl. We all know." He gestured them towards Rachel's room as Dan returned with the water. "Bedtime now."

_Sweet dreams, no one at the window..._She nodded again, stumbling slightly down the hall.

* * *

"C'mon, Finn, Ma made up the guest room in case you needed to stay over." Noah shoved at Finn's shoulder. _Should've just sent you home hours ago. _"C'mon."

Finn blinked blearily at him. "Huh?"

"Fell asleep, dude. In the middle of a match." He gestured at the TV with the controller. _And gave me time to polish off the bottle and chill the fuck out. _"Get your ass to the guest room, y'know the drill."

Finn stood unsteadily. "Wow. I had the weirdest dream. You said you were saving yourself for Rachel."

_Fuck. _"That's - you're an idiot, Hudson." _Look at that, didn't even have to lie! _"Get your ass to bed. Maybe you'll wake up smarter." _And hopefully I will too. Fucking alcohol. Bad idea._

* * *

"All that vodka was a bad idea," Lori remarked. "Don't say I didn't warn you, okay?" She took the water and ibuprofen from Dan, shutting the door behind him.

_Bad idea? _Brow furrowed, Rachel flopped on the bed. "I don't know what you mean. I'm fine. I'm _more _than fine."

_**"I can do**_** you, **_**and you'll be**_** more **_**than fucking fine."**_

Rachel shook her head hazily. "He always said I was fine. In that hot way. Like girl is _fine_." _He looked at me like I was perfect. _"Like that."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Come on, Rach, let's go, at least take your dress off, okay?"

_**"Come on, Rach, let go..."**_

Grimacing, Rachel yanked the dress off and tossed it towards the vanity. _I don't want to do this again..._

_**"There, Noah, now go away." **_

Rachel shook her head again, burrowing her face in the pillows. _Go away, go away..._

"Told you, bad idea." Lori stroked her hair softly. "Rach, just have the water, okay?"

Holding out a hand, she lifted her head. "Gimme." _I need to clear my head..._

Raising a brow warily, Lori put the glass in her hand. "Be careful."

_I'm always careful...aren't I? _Rachel guzzled half the glass before holding it out to Lori again.

Lori chuckled, placing the glass on the nightstand. "If you want, you can call me, I'll be around all night."

_**"If you wanna call or whatever. I'm here all night."**_

_Enough already, go away, Noah..._Rachel nodded, groaning, and let her eyes fall shut.

* * *

_Don't jinx it, jackass. If this is between you and Rach, keep it that way. _Noah shut his door, exhaling roughly as he got into bed. _I wonder if she got the package yet? _He glanced at his phone, silent on the nightstand, and closed his eyes.

* * *

Rachel rolled over in bed, opening her eyes to slits. The room slowly spun as she peered at the clock. _Oh God, it's 3 AM..._She looked around to see a glass of water on the nightstand, a dress hanging over the back of her vanity chair, shoes beneath it. _No. No, no..._

She fumbled for her phone, dialing.

* * *

**_"Ohhhhhhh, sweet Caroline..."_**

_Holy shit! _Noah jolted awake, grabbing his phone from the night stand. "Rach? Hello?"

"You don't get to do this t' me," she declared. _Leaving me like that for her..._

_I don't get to - to do _what? He rubbed a hand over his face. "Rach, are you drunk?"

"You don't get t' just...t' just _leave _and go back t' her. I deserve more than that, d'you hear me?" _I know what I felt, Noah..._She rolled over onto her stomach, tugging the blankets over her head.

_She _is_ drunk. Rach..._Noah sat up in bed. "I know, Rach, I -"

"No! You don't 'Rach' me either! I was Berry again. _Berry_. Like you were gonna _slushie_ me. Like you didn't break down, and...and _need _me." _I felt it, and so did you, and now you're gone..._

"I'm an asshole, Rachel, an idiot. I'm going to make it up to you. I swear I will." He licked his lips. "I promise, I will. I - I love -"

"No! No. You don't get to say that. I said I _love _you and you don't care." She burrowed deeper into the bed. _You left me over and over again..._"I don't want to love you anymore, all right? I don't _want _to. It hurts too much. It _hurts,_ Noah."

_Damn it, fucking shit..._He smoothed a hand over his scalp. _What do I do now? _"I'm sorry, Rachel, I'm so -"

"I don't _wish _to be in love with you anymore, and I'm Rachel _fucking _Berry." She tossed the covers back and crawled up to the pillow. _I am fine without you. _"I'm not _going _to be in love. I'm _going _to go to bed. An ingenue needs her sleep." She hung up the phone.

Noah shook his head, staring at his phone. _I can't - she was - and she - _He blew out a breath. "Don't wanna love you," he muttered, grinning. _Is it August yet?_

* * *

Rachel rubbed her eyes blearily the next morning. _Oh, my head..._She blinked slowly and grabbed the painkillers and water from her nightstand, taking both. _What is - Noah's handwriting. _She pulled the envelope from her nightstand, tearing it open and reaching in to pull out a CD and a picture of the West Side Story billboard. She flipped it over.

_**Thinking of you. Call me if you want when you get this. Would love to hear from you. - Noah**_

She turned the CD in her hand for a moment before adding it to the box under the bed, the clock still counting down.

* * *

The latter half of April brought trouble of a different kind, acceptance letters filling Rachel's hands.

_I wonder how Noah did?_ Rachel bit her lip, glancing over at her father. "Daddy?"

"Yes, baby girl?" Will looked over from his laptop. "What can I help you with?"

"I was just - I was wondering if -" She blew out a breath. _Ask if you're going to ask, Rachel._ "If maybe you'd heard from - from -"

"From Noah? Maybe." He minimized his email with a small smile. "What's it to you?"

She frowned. _Why must you make this difficult for me?_ "I was curious as to how his responses were sounding. That's all."

"Positive. Seems he's going to his first choice school." Will raised a brow. "Surely somewhere in all his care packages he's told you what that is."

Rachel chewed her lip. _I'm sure, but..._"Daddy, you know I don't read all of it."

"And after all this, Rachel, why is that?" Will sat back, raising a brow. "Could you please tell me what's so frightening, knowing as you do now, that he lo-"

"No!" Rachel pressed a hand to her eyes. _Calm down, Rachel. _"No, I _don't _know, Daddy and I still don't want to know. If he - if he did feel like that, if he did care that deeply, it only makes it worse!" _How does no one see this?_ "If he felt that way when I was right there in front of him, what hope do I have of this working now if it didn't then?"

"All the hope in the world, sweetheart, because he realized his mistake and is fighting to get back here to you." Dan walked into the kitchen, dropping a kiss on her temple. "Some people don't know how they feel until they get kicked in the teeth. You leaving Lima was definitely a big wake up call." He sat between her and Will. "What's the issue?"

"Rachel wants to know where Noah's going for school." Will smiled. "How's this? I'll tell you if you let him tell you how he feels."

"Daddy." Rachel frowned. "That's not fair. You know that's not fair. I'm trying to stop hurting - why would I reopen a wound like that? Just...I don't know." _Haven't I been through enough? _She sighed, looking banefully at them both. "Just this once, I don't want to fight for something, and I don't want to dissect it and know about it." _Just this once, please?_ "Can't I just leave it alone and move on? I just wanted to know what school he was going to, not the thoughts in the deepest recesses of his heart and mind."

"Who says they're buried all that deep?" Dan held up a hand. "Easy, slugger, I'm just saying. And remember that I was just as skeptical as you - that's why he was ever here. I needed to see for myself what Daddy had been telling me, and I did. We just want you to know that. A lot. I mean, honestly, the poor guy is writing song after song about you - apologizing, repenting, reminiscing, you name it. Of all the songs he used for his auditions, they were only about you, sweetheart."

"Doesn't the phrase too little too late mean anything to anyone around here?" Rachel folded her arms and rolled her eyes. _Besides me, in any event._

"Not in real life, darling. Nice attempt though." Will lifted the lid to his computer and returned to his correspondence with a grin. "Too little too late does exist, but sometimes it's just a convenient way not to cope. I guarantee that somewhere in the things he's sent you is the answer to your question."

She blew out a breath, looking from one man to the other. _No help from either of you, yet I'm sure you both know. _"Fine. It was just idle curiosity anyway."

* * *

Noah read over both letters again, shaking his head. "What do I do, Ma? Will emailed back, he said that whatever school I went to I could only count on getting a degree, so I should make my decision on that. Translation: not telling. I don't know what he thinks that'll accomplish, but that's all I could get. I never would've thought I'd be looking at Juilliard versus NYU. I don't know how to narrow it down." _I don't want to fuck this up before I even get there..._

Ilana smiled and squeezed his shoulder. "Noah. Sweetheart, he's right, you know that. Look at financial aid, living arrangements, that kind of stuff. Think about the next four years of your life and where and how you want to spend them. Oh, I hate to say it, but pretend she doesn't exist. If the right school for you is her school, you'll both just have to learn to live with it."

_Easy for _me, _but what about _her? He nodded slowly, picking up the letters. "I hear you, Ma."

"Well, good." She pecked the top of his head. "Now don't break your head over this either. You have time to decide."

_Except I already have. _"No, I think I already know." He put one letter down and tapped the other on his palm. "The fit, the feel, the campus...NYU, here I come."

Rachel pulled both boxes from under her bed, chewing her lip. _You were saying _what _about your interest in this? _Is_ it idle? _She opened the first box, picking up the package from her birthday. Sliding the heavy bound book from the box, she opened the cover. Smoothing down the page, her eyes traced his handwritten note.

**"The only truth is music. - Jack Kerouac"**

* * *

**_"I really don't see why you get so worked up over what songs we sing, Rach, seriously."_ Shaking his head, Noah pulled her closer, his arm around her shoulder as he walked her to the truck. _"I mean, don't get me wrong. I love seeing you worked up."_ He opened her door and tossed her up onto the seat, sliding her up and crawling over her body. _"Gets _**_**me ****worked up if you know what I mean."**_

**Rachel laughed breathlessly. **_**We could be so perfect, Noah. So perfect...**__**"Jack Kerouac said it, Noah. The only truth is music."**_

**He shoved her skirt up, slipping his hand under her panties to glide fingers inside her.**

**Arching up, she gasped, moaning lowly.**

_**"Now ****that's ****what ****I **_**_call music, baby,"_ he murmured, twisting his wrist and chuckling as she whimpered.**

* * *

Her hand shook as she turned the page. _Staff paper. It's a music journal. _Rachel skimmed the lyrics, recognizing the song from his first CD. She thumbed ahead, opening to find another song.

_**Remembering the girl  
**__**Leaves me down and lonely  
**__**Send it in a letter  
**__**Make yourself feel better**_

_**[Chorus]**_

_**But it's not so bad  
**__**You're only the best I ever had**_

She slammed the book shut and dropped it into the box, closing the lid and shoving it underneath the bed again. _Yes, I was, damn it. And now it's too late. It is. It _is.

* * *

_**May**_

Rachel took a deep breath and opened her bedroom door. "I'm ready!" She walked down the hallway to the living room. _The hard work starts now. My actual career. My real life._

"Oh, baby girl." Will snapped a picture and brushed at his eyes. "Look at you."

* * *

"Just look at you, Noah." Ilana wiped her tears, waving Sarah over to stand next to him. "You're graduating with a bachelor's, then moving to New York to get another one. I barely even recognize you." She snapped a picture and sighed. "I'm so proud."

* * *

"I'm so proud of you, sweetheart. Three years." Dan crossed the room to kiss her cheek, handing her a vase. "These came for you, by the way. I'm sure you can guess who they're from."

Rachel shook her head, the confection of calla lilies and red roses blooming brilliantly from the crystal. "They're beautiful," she murmured. _Damn it, Noah. Would you just hurry up and let me down again?_

"They are, Rachel, and so are you." Dan took the flowers from her again. "I'll put them on your vanity?"

She managed a nod, smiling faintly. "Please." _Saying the garbage would get me too much discussion..._

"You all right?" Will put his arm around her, pulling her close. "You thought you were off the hook?"

_Maybe. _She sighed, leaning her head on his chest. "That would be presumptuous of me. And proven wrong."

"And proven wrong, yes." Will squeezed her. "He says congratulations, and he'll be free tonight if you want to give him a call."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course he will." _Now, anyway._

* * *

"Of course you are, I'm a _stud."_ Noah grinned at his mother and winked at his sister. "Hey, Sarah, take the camera and take a picture of me and Ma?" _Shit, we really have grown up, huh?_

"Duh." Sarah wriggled free and switched places with their mother.

Ilana kissed his cheek and put her arm around his shoulders. "I know you kid, Noah, but I _am _proud of you, sweetheart. You've accomplished so much, and now you're about to accomplish so much more." She nodded at Sarah with a smile.

"One, two, ten." Sarah took the picture and giggled. "As good as it's gonna get when you're as ugly as Noah."

He ducked from under his mother's arms to grab his sister, tickling her. "Oh, look who's talking, huh? You wanna be me and you know it." _At least this version of me, anyway._

Sarah stuck her tongue out at him. "Not even. I'd wanna be _Rachel_. She's graduating today too, right? 'Cause she's smart and everything and she's going early. That's what Mom said."

He glanced at his mother. "Yup, that's exactly right. Rachel's everything." He gave a tight smile. _If only she believed me..._

Ilana squeezed his arm with a knowing look. "Come on, let's get going."

* * *

"Time to get going," Dan declared. "I want pictures outside Lincoln Center."

_Time. _Rachel gnawed her lip quickly. "Give me a minute, I need to check something." _What are you doing?_ She ran back to her bedroom and slid the box from under her bed._ You're not seriously - Oh damn it, yes I am. _She opened it to peek at the clock. _Not zero. _She blew out a breath and rejoined them.

"Is Lori meeting us there?" Will grabbed his coat from the closet. "I don't want to leave without her."

Rachel nodded. "Yes, she'll meet us all up there. You all have tickets, right?" _What in the world is zero then?_

"We do, Rachel, don't worry. You'll meet us after, and we'll go to Bar Boulud again. Nice, low-key." Will kissed her temple. "You won't have to think about anything. Just enjoy your day."

* * *

"Enjoy every day from here on, graduates. It's real life. Take the skills you've learned here and make your way in the world, knowing you've got the solid foundation only Lima can provide. Ladies and gentlemen, your graduating class." With a round of applause, Noah and the rest of the graduates tossed their caps.

_Oh yeah, Lima was fucking awesome to me._ He shook his head and collected a cap. _My real life is about to begin, though. I finally know who I am and what I want, and I'm gonna get it._

"Hey, Puckerman." A voice called his name across the room.

Noah turned to see Finn and Quinn approaching hand in hand. "If it isn't king and queen of the prom." _They fucking worked. After all that shit._

"Haha, funny." Quinn leaned up to kiss his cheek. "Congratulations, Noah."

"Thanks, Q." He cleared his throat. "Congrats to you too. _And _to you, Hudson." He stuck out a hand. _Don't fuck it up._

Finn shook it firmly. "You too, Puck. Sorry, dude. I still can't get myself to call you Noah. S'weird."

"So are you." He fist bumped him with a smirk. _And yeah, that _would_ be weird from you. _"Whatever you wanna call me, just call me."

"My son, the baccalaureate." Ilana joined the group and kissed him noisily. "Let's get some lunch. Finn, Quinn? Would you and your families like to join us?"

They smiled and nodded.

"We'd love to, Mrs. Puckerman," Finn replied. "We'll get our parents."

* * *

"The only truth is music, Jack Kerouac once said. It's finally time for you to share that truth, graduates. As you venture into the world, know that as long as you can hear the music in the world, as long as you can hear the music in your life, you will truly live. Congratulations to your graduates." The dean applauded them, the audience giving a standing ovation.

Rachel smiled as she stood and turned to the crowd. _That quote is going to haunt me, isn't it._ She waved as she saw Lori and her fathers in the crowd. _If I believe that...if I believe that music is truth and listen..._She shook her head, tossing her cap with the rest of the class. _If I believe that, then do I know who he is now at all?_

"Rach!" Lori tackle hugged her, squeezing and rocking them back and forth. "I'm sooo sorry I was too late to see you before the ceremony but I saw the whole thing. I'm so proud to be your friend."

Rachel hugged her back and fought down the tears. _I just want to be all right..._

Will and Dan wrapped their arms around both girls, Will frowning briefly at Dan while Rachel's shoulders shook.

* * *

Noah shook his head. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ He looked at the group around the table, the Hudsons and the Fabrays gathered with the original members of New Directions plus Mr. Schue. "Can you tell me how lunch turned into a Gleek event?"

Ilana smiled serenely. "I may or may not have extended invitations to everyone to join us and celebrate."

"We're proud of all of you," Mrs. Hudson offered. "We've been in it with you since elementary school, so to watch you all grown up...it's amazing. We really are proud." She lifted her glass and turned to the table. "To the graduates!"

Noah toasted with the rest of them. _To _all _the graduates_.

"So has _anyone _heard from Rachel? I read that she was graduating early?" Artie looked around the table.

Quinn's gaze flicked to Noah's before she looked away. "That's what the article said."

"You should find out if she's staying in New York, Noah, maybe she can show you around," Mercedes offered.

Ilana licked her lips and turned to her food.

"Or you could just admit you're carrying a torch for her and that this is all to get to her. Plus furthering your own career." Kurt took a sip of his champagne, looking around at the shocked faces of the assemblage. "What? Has no one actually _listened _to his songs? Honestly."

Finn looked at Noah, blinking slowly. "Wait. I _did _hear that."

_Well, shit. _Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "I -"

"It's so obvious." Mercedes shook her head. "It's _so obvious. _How did I not see it before?"

"Because he didn't want you to and anyone who knew helped," Mr. Schue offered. "Can we just order lunch, please? I don't think we need to interrogate Noah on graduation day."

"New York!" Tina pointed at Quinn. "You guys went to New York together and came back broken up. Tell me you saw Rachel."

"Guys, seriously, can we save the interrogation?" Ilana squeezed Noah's arm with a small smile of apology. "I didn't invite everyone here to grill him, we're supposed to be celebrating!"

Noah cleared his throat. _Fuck it._ "Kurt's right. I want to get to Rachel. I've seen her, spoken to her, and written to her and I'm -" He laughed, rolling his eyes. _No one's fucking going to believe it._ "I'm even in touch with her dads. She's doing fantastic and graduated today." He lifted his glass. "To Rachel, taking New York by storm."

The group drank dazedly.

"And to me meeting her there and not fucking it up this time," he muttered. _Around what, 108 thousand minutes to go? _Noah drained his champagne.

* * *

Rachel downed her champagne, smiling at her loved ones. _Just put it all out of your head, Rachel. _"So did you enjoy the ceremony?"

"Watching Billy Joel get an honorary doctorate and perform? Um, yeah, didn't suck." Lori smirked at her.

"It was lovely, Rachel, and we had a great morning." Will reached out to squeeze her hand. "Look, sweetheart, I'm sorry if you feel like any of us is being pushy about Noah. It's just wrenching to watch the two of you dance around each other at times. I'm inclined to fix things by trade, and Dad and Lori want you to be happy. That's all."

"And I am." Rachel raised her eyebrows at the skeptical looks at the table. "I _am. _What more could I ask for? My fathers who love me, an actual best friend, I graduated today, and I'm going on to a fantastic program to really become a star. What more could I want?" _Did you really just give them the opportunity to answer that? _She rolled her eyes. "Actually, I can answer that. Peace. I would like _peace_. I would like to be allowed to merely _exist. _To breathe, and to live as I please. To not have to hear about avoidance and letters and music and giving him a chance. How's _that?" Just as for an end to war while you're at it, Rachel._

"Note taken, babe," Lori said, clinking her glass to Rachel's empty one. "We'll lay off, and you and me are gonna have ourselves an awesome summer. Okay?"

_Really? _She blinked slowly. _This could be easier than I anticipated. _"Sounds fantastic, Lor, thank you."

* * *

"Thanks, guys." Noah looked around the table as he stood. "I'm glad we did this." _Surprisingly._

"Probably more so because now you don't have to tap dance about Rachel and New York," Quinn teased as the group left the table.

"Doesn't suck," he agreed. "And I, uh, I do appreciate the support." _And the fact that no one said I don't deserve it. _

"I told you a long time ago, Puck." Mercedes raised a brow and smiled. "Even though it's Noah now, you're still one of us."

_She wasn't though. _He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and nodded. _She didn't get the chance to open up. Not like I did. _"Yeah, I think I get that now."

* * *

"Bye, babe." Lori hugged her, pulling back slightly. "Connor and I will see you tomorrow?"

"You will. I am going to go change out of these clothes and maybe watch a movie." _That sounds lovely..._She smiled. "And breathe."

"And breathe." Lori quirked an eyebrow. "Hmm. You know, that might be a lovely tattoo to get. Breathe."

* * *

**Noah traced patterns on her lower back with a fingertip as she tanned poolside. **_**"You'd be brutally hot with a tattoo."**_

**Rachel glanced back over her shoulder. **_**"A tattoo? As a performer?"**_

_**"Gimme a break, they have makeup for that." **_**He nipped at her side, growling low. **_**"What do you chicks have against tats anyway? Q wouldn't go for it either. Then again, I was suggesting Finn's name on her ass but still."**_

**She swallowed hard as her stomach flipped. **_**No room for jealousy in no strings attached, Rachel.**__**"I just don't see the appeal," **_**she said.**

* * *

Rachel shook her head, smiling tightly. _Now if _my_ brain would get on board with my plans. _"No, no tattoos for me, Lor. Thank you, though. Maybe a necklace would suffice."

Lori chuckled. "Yeah, you _do _seem to be a fan of the necklace thing, huh? A star, the ex..." With a shrug, Lori stepped back. "I'll look into it."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel nodded. "You do that." _And I'll try to remember to breathe in the meantime._

Inhaling slowly, Lori licked her lips. "You know, Rach..."

"Oh...I don't trust that start, Lor." _I knew this was too easy. _She crossed her arms. "What? What words of wisdom am I about to receive?"

Lori punched her lightly in the shoulder. "Look, I'm just saying that I know you want some peace of mind this summer. I'm happy to give that to you. But I think you need to give that to yourself too, okay?" She held up a hand to forestall her friend. "I know you're happy. I know you're enjoying yourself, I know that it's only mention of Noah that's like a sore spot for you. So...just..."

_I bet I know where this is going. _Rachel exhaled. "Just say it, Lor. I won't get mad."

"Would you just call him already? Just..._say_ something. There's obviously something on your mind if you're constantly irked by him. There's something you didn't say to him, something that you wanted him to know. Just tell him. Ask him. Yell at him. Whatever the hell it is, just _do it_ already." Lori kissed her on the cheek. "Or don't, 'cause it's your life and not my business. But I love you, and I really wanna see you start off at your best, 'kay?"

Lori smiled. "Come on, I gotta be able to say I knew you when, right? That means this part of your life has to be the good part, the part you talk about in the interview with Oprah." Lori pressed the back of her hand to her forehead. "Oh, Oprah. It was some of the darkest days of my life, but the one ray of light, the best friend you could ever ask for, Lori Bernardo, was there. She made it all better." She straightened, dropping her hand and smirking. "And then I bought her a mansion and a Maybach and we lived happily ever after."

Rachel frowned. _Bought you a - what? _"A Maybach?"

Lori laughed. "Ask a guy. It'll amuse you. And as much as I love them, your dads aren't quite it." She waved and opened the door. "Catch you tomorrow."

"Good night, Lor." Rachel shut the door behind her, leaning on it for a moment. _Just do it. Do what? _She ran a hand through her hair, winding her way to her bedroom. _What do I want to do? What do I need to know? _

"Rachel?" Dan stuck his head out from the living room. "Sweetheart, is everything okay?"

She paused, exhaling. "Yes, Daddy, I'm fine." _I think._

Frowning, he stood and joined her in the hall. "Not convinced. And I'm not the pro."

Rachel sighed. "Lor suggested I just do or say whatever it is I want to Noah, to get a fresh start with grad school." _After telling me to breathe. Ha!_

"What do you think?" Dan reclined on the wall, gesturing her to speak.

_I...I don't know. _Rachel pressed her hands against the wall behind her, leaning back into them. "I think if I knew what I wanted to say, I'd love to."

Pursing his lips, Dan nodded. "Well, so, what's the question? Or the statement? The one thing that when you let your guard down, the thought that just floats up. Anything?"

"I think you've been listening to Daddy's phone sessions." Rachel pecked Dan on the cheek. "I...I guess..." _The one question I want the answer to after all this time..._

* * *

Noah rubbed his hands over his face, yanking the tie off and tossing it into the corner. _Well, you did it, Puckerman. And now you're gonna do it all over again._

_"Ohhhhh...sweet Caroline..."_

"What the fuck?" Noah turned out his pockets quickly, fumbling for his cell. _This has to be a joke. Or - _He paused. _Another pocket dial? _He stared at the face of the phone. _Fuck it. _"Rachel? Hello? Is that -"

"Are you happy with your life, Noah?" Rachel sighed, throwing herself onto the bed. _That's the question. _

_Am I - _Frowning at the phone, he smoothed his palm over his head. "Umm...no, not yet. I'm working on it." _It'll be better when I'm in New York._ "Are...are _you?"_

_Right now? _She looked around the room, staring out the window. She sighed. "I don't...I don't know."

Noah scrubbed a hand over his face. _Damn it, Rach. _"Can I do anything to help?"

"No." _Then why did you call, Rachel? _She turned to bury her head in the pillows.

"That was reflex, Rach." _Just let me help. _"Seriously. Is there anything I can do?"

"I...I don't know." She sat heavily on the bed, gazing at the flowers. _Some part of me must think so..._

_But you called me..._He swallowed, speaking softly. "Can I try?"

_Yes. No. Damn it! _Rachel shook her head. "I don't know, Noah. From Lima? Not much you can do."

"Except that you _know _I'm moving to New York, Rach. You know I'm going to be there by August." _I promised that in March. You should know that. _"I'm working every waking hour here to save up but I'm coming. I want to see you happy, Rach, that's all I want." He paused, smirked. "Well, not _all _I want..." _You. With a bow._

_What were you thinking, Rachel..._"Noah -"

"I _miss _you, Rach, I fucked up and I'm not gonna do that again. I'm _serious _about this." _I've grown up, and now I just need you..._He looked at the letter on his desk. _And I'm coming to earn a second chance._

"And I'm serious that _I don't know, _Noah, I don't know." She brushed at her eyes. _Damn it, not again._ "You've been haunting me since I left and I can't get clear of you. My friends and family are on your side, and _everyone _wants me to hear you out." _Except my terrified heart..._"I have letters and music and presents and it's all _after the fact. _I was right there, Noah,_ right there,_ and you had no insight. You told me - _you _told _me _- you were finished, you wanted _Quinn." Not me, never me..._

_Because I was an ass who couldn't see what I really felt. _He shook his head. _She has to know that. _"Rach -"

_No. _She frowned at the phone. _You don't get to explain it away. _"Whether you were lying or not, that was ringing in my ears. How do you expect me to just dismiss that, Noah?"

_If you'd just pay attention, damn it..._"I'm working my ass off to show you -"

"- From a _distance,_ from _532 _miles away." _Convenient for the hard work to happen when I'm holding you off._ "When I was _there,_ I was -"

"- too damn _good _for me, Rach. I was _not good enough _for you and I knew it." _Can't you understand that?_ "Look, I know I went about it wrong. I just - I panicked, okay? I panicked and -"

"You heard me." _This is...it all makes sense..._She launched herself from the bed. "That night. You weren't asleep. You heard what I said."

_Fuck. Not good. _"Rach -"

_Son of a bitch. _Rachel stared into her eyes in the vanity mirror. _I'm right. _"It's a yes or no, Noah. Did you hear me that night?"

"I - I don't -" _want to answer...What the fuck do I say? _"Rach, I -"

"I can't believe this. You _heard _me, you panicked, you pushed me away. I shoved _everything _I felt away, put it aside." _For you, for your sake, without thought that maybe there was something else. _She ran her hand through her hair. "You told me you wanted Quinn and I wasn't going to fight you. But that was what _really _happened. You _heard _me, you couldn't deal with it, and you went back to Quinn. I can't _believe _it took me this long to figure it out."

_Shit. Shit, shit, shit. _"Rachel, I -"

"Don't lie to me, Noah. Do me that _one _courtesy." She shook her head, pacing to the window. _I suffered all this time, thinking..._"You knew. And you couldn't handle it."

"I was a fuck-up, Rach! I was an asshole, an idiot, and I _didn't_ deserve you. That _shows _I didn't deserve you. And I worked _really fucking hard_ once I realized what was up to get to be a person who _did _deserve you." _And whether you let me prove it or not, I think I am now. Or at least closer._ He paced the floor. "You think I knew what I was doing back then? All I knew was that you couldn't possibly...feel that way about me. There was nothing about me to - to lo -"

"That was _my _decision, Noah, my heart, my call! And this just tells me that this was right. I'm here for a reason, and I hope you're not just coming to New York for me." _I don't want you to. I don't even know if I want _you. She opened the window, taking a deep breath. "I make no guarantees that you'll be able to find me, that I'll want to see you - nothing. I need a break from this, a summer to enjoy myself." _To actually live in New York City._ "If you're coming here, then once you're in town, you can try - _try - _to contact me. But until then, please, just...just leave me be. Please."

"Rach, I'm - I'm _sorry_. I was stupid, it was high school, I didn't know what the fuck was going on -" _And you're gonna cut me out this close to being back to you? _He pulled a punch ahead of the wall, opening the window to breathe.

_"Right,_ but you also knew that you didn't want to be with _me." My goodness. I actually said that aloud. _She shook her head, exhaling heavily. "Whatever your motivations, you pushed me away. I went from Rach back to Berry overnight. Not even overnight, over _hours."_

_What the fuck do you want me to say? I know..._He pressed his head to the window screen. "Rach -"

"Don't you _Rach_ me! You don't get to do that." Rachel massaged her temple, a memory nagging. _Focus, Rachel. _"You don't, especially not now."

"You said that before," he said quietly. _Time for the big guns. _"You were drinking one night, and called me. You told me you didn't want to love me."

"I - I what?" Rachel sank into the seat at her vanity. _When? How?_

"You were pretty drunk, and I think you thought it was...graduation. Mine. In high school." He paused, licking his lips. _I kind of wish it was._

_Oh my goodness. The martinis..._Rachel closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. _But if I...if I said that again. _"That means I told you twice. _Twice, _Noah, I told you how much I was hurting." _Because of you. _She stood and took to pacing again. _Because of the choices you made and the things that you said, and..._"_You _started this, _you _came to _me_, you tell me how idiotic Finn and Jesse were to hurt me as they did. You tell me how amazing I am, you come to me when you're hurting. And then you tell me that you still want to be with her. Do you have any idea what that did to me? How deeply that wounded me? That after everything we shared, all that time, you still wanted her, the girl who treated you like shit. The girl who didn't give a damn what you wanted and how you felt about giving up your child. You wanted that after I comforted you, after I was there. And I let you go - _I let you go - _and then you can't let _me_ go. You're there, and you won't go, and you want me, and it's...it was unbelievable, the way that I felt that night and I wake up, and not only are you gone, but you're a completely different person. Like I had given you what you needed, I had given in and you were satisfied that you had me, could have me whenever you wanted, and then you left me behind like everyone else."

_No. No, you can't actually think that. _"Rachel, I swear it wasn't like -" _Shit, Rach, I would never..._

She talked over him, picking up steam. _I told you I didn't want to love you, you knew that I loved you, and you still..._"And _now _I find that it's because the thought of me loving you was so terrifying - so truly horrible - that you had to brutally cut things off. You didn't believe in me, Noah, you didn't trust in me to know what I was doing - what I wanted and how I felt. Yet now you want me to believe that you know what you're getting into, and that you want me not just because I'm out of reach."

_You think so little of me? _"Hey, _that's not fair,_ I -" _Shit, what would _Puck _have done, though..._

"You _what?_ Tell me what I should hold on to, Noah, what you did that means I should trust you mean it this time." _As opposed to the times when you let me down, led me on, lied to me..._"Was it how you went from my bed to hers in less than 24 hours? Or maybe it's how you thanked me for keeping it casual, knowing full well it wasn't for me."

_Yeah, Puck would've done _that_ shit..._"Rachel, I'm -"

"Maybe...maybe _not _that, you're right. Could it be how you kissed me when you were with Quinn?" She smirked at the mirror as she passed it.

_Fuck, she remembers everything, of course she fucking does..._"That's not -"

"Or perhaps it was the fact that when you had the _perfect _opportunity to say something, when it was you and me and too much alcohol, you didn't. I remember, Noah, I remember telling you how much better you could do." _You were right there, close enough to touch and you still left me..._

_That one I can handle. _He rubbed a hand over his mouth. "I know and I didn't believe it, Rachel. I didn't believe I was worth what you thought, I didn't believe I deserved you -"

"- And instead of _saying _that, instead of giving me a chance to disagree you ripped my heart out!" Rachel caught her breath. _My God. I actually said it._

"Rachel..." _Rach, I just want to be there and hold you..._"Shit, Rachel, I'm -"

Tears sprang to her eyes as she pressed a hand to her pounding heart. _Enough, Rachel. Enough._ "I need to breathe, I need to be by myself right now. I'm sorry. Congratulations, good luck, we'll see if our paths cross again, but for now, I need to go."

_No, don't..._Noah dropped into the seat at his desk. "Rachel -"

"Goodbye, Noah." She quietly hung up the phone. _Goodbye._

"Fuck!" He slammed his hand on the desk, dialing Will's number by memory. _Shit, fuck, damn...Pick up..._

_I need my daddies..._Rachel left her room and headed for the den. "Dad? Daddy? Are you free?"

"Of course, baby girl, what's going on?" Will nudged Dan from his lap, pausing the movie. "Rachel? Honey, what's wrong? What happened?"

"He - Daddy, he -" Rachel burrowed between them. "He heard me, Daddy, he heard me tell him I loved him...and he still -" _I wasn't enough for him then, I couldn't have been..._She let the tears fall. "He still picked her, Daddy, he knew and he - he went to Quinn..."

"Oh, Rachel..." Will hauled her in, kissing the top of her head. He pressed a hand to his hip as his phone buzzed. "Baby girl..."

* * *

Noah paced his room, cursing and hanging up. _She's a fucking mess and crying to them. Who do I call..._

Lori frowned as her phone rang. "Who would be calling right now?"

Connor kissed her shoulder and sat up in bed. "I don't know, you tell me." Reaching over to the nightstand, he handed her the cell.

"Oh, shit." She locked eyes with her boyfriend. "Puckerman."

"Son of a bitch, what did he do..." Connor shook his head and waved her on.

"Hello?"

_Thank you, _he mouthed skyward. "Hi, Lori? I, uh...I need you to take care of Rach for me. I...she..."

"Just spit it out, Noah. What?"

_You have to tell her. _He blew out a breath. "She confronted me about knowing that she - that she loved me. I - she -" He pressed a palm to the headache forming behind his eye. "She thought I was sleeping. I wasn't, I heard her, and I - "

" - ran to Blondie the next morning." Lori scoffed. "I heard the story from her side but I didn't think you would be that much of an ass. Great job, Puck."

He flinched, shaking his head. "It wasn't - I didn't mean it like that, I swear I just - I wanted the best for her and she deserved better than me, Lori. You and I both know that."

"Well _that _shit just proves it." She squeezed Connor's hand, sighing.

"That's what _I _said! And then she accused me of only wanting her because I couldn't have her. Like I...shit, like I fucking _used _her or something." _I hate that she thinks that. I _hate_ that..._

Lori rolled her eyes. "Didn't you? What were you intending to get from sleeping with her back then? You obviously didn't have feelings for her like that."

"I -" _Fuck, I never saw it that way..._"I just - I wanted to know what it could be like with us. We were always hot. And then she said - I saw a challenge, and one that would be fun."

"Uh-huh. 'Cause Rachel Berry and casual sex go together naturally."

"Do you want me to go into what kind of an asshole I was back then? I was a fucking dildo on legs, okay?" He started pacing the room again. "An independently functioning blow up doll. That's all anyone ever saw in me, a good lay and someone to beat the shit out of people. A guy who didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything, who got his jollies tossing kids in dumpsters. I had a pool cleaning business not even for the money, but to sleep with older women. I knocked up the fucking president of the chastity club. Okay? Happy now? I didn't even think there _was _sex other than casual sex." _Not even with Q. Not till Rachel._

"Meanwhile you sneak past her defenses and suddenly Rach is having what you think is casual sex and what to her was falling in love despite herself. That girl saw so much in you even then, Puckerman." Lori linked her fingers with Connor's and took a deep breath. "You know the first thing I heard about you? How 'unknowingly amazing' you were. I remembered that because it was the oddest description. How could you be so amazing and not realize it? You were sweet, funny and caring when you guys were alone. But you chose to be Puck and she couldn't fight that. Sound about right?"

_Fuck_. He ran a hand over his head. "Yeah, pretty much." He stopped pacing. "She's talking to Will and Dan now, I'm guessing. Will didn't pick up my call."

"Uh, yeah. This one she'd run straight to them. I can't fucking believe you heard her that night, and you ran." She leaned against Connor's chest, closing her eyes.

_Not before I fucked - no, fuck that. Not before I took my best shot at making love to her._ "Asshole, like I said. Scared the shit out of me."

"Fuck that. You loved it. She said you had her twice again before you left. You wanted her to love you but you didn't think you deserved it. You didn't, by the way, but Rach never took notice of that. That girl would follow her heart off a cliff. And _that's_ why she doesn't trust it with you. Because she _did _follow it off that cliff, thanks to you. Luckily she landed here, but fuck you, Puck. You heard her and you slept with her, and then you said thanks for being casual and got with Quinn. The fuck would you do if it were you? And you were suddenly all over her shit?" She patted Connor's chest as he moved to sit up.

_I know, I know..._He walked to the bathroom and took two Tylenol. "Yeah, I wouldn't trust it. Okay? I get it. But I'm still coming in August. That's not changing."

"Oh, hell no. It's gonna be fun watching you try. Now I gotta go." She pecked Connor on the lips and got out of the bed. "I'm heading over there."

_You are? _Noah licked his lips. "Did she call? Are you -"

"Puckerman, the fact that you called me will be a good thing. Maybe the only thing that'll keep you from being completely written off." She hung up and tossed the phone into her bag.

"Should I come with?" Connor leaned up on his elbow. "Or would that be salt in the wound?"

"You can drop me off, but I think I'm staying over and you're staying home." Lori pouted prettily.

Connor grinned and pulled on his pants. "It's where your mom thinks you are anyway."

Lori punched him in the arm and grabbed her shirt.

* * *

Rachel dried her eyes and burrowed between her fathers on the couch. "This is so strange..." _I did want a fresh start, didn't I?_

Will dropped a kiss on her head. "What is, baby girl?"

"I feel..._better_. After finally saying what I needed to. And crying for a while. I shouldn't feel better, but I believe I do." She closed her eyes. _I really think I do..._"Now I know what changed. I didn't think he heard me, but he did. And he couldn't handle it. He defaulted to Puck."

Will nodded. "That sounds about right."

Dan frowned. "But...what's his default now? Isn't that the real question? What would he have done if you'd said that now?"

"I don't know," she said wearily. _Why can't I just enjoy this feeling? _"But I'm not going to call to find out. I just want -"

_"I believe in miracles...Where you from, you sexy thing?"_

"Lori." Rachel looked back towards her room. "Should I -" She frowned as the intercom buzzed. "Who'd be coming over?" Narrowing her eyes at her fathers, she nodded. "Someone can answer, I'm okay."

Dan crossed to the speaker. "Yes?"

"Dan, it's Lor. I was told I was needed." Her voice was tinny, the concern in it echoing.

Dan looked towards Rachel, frowning quickly. "Sure, Lor." He buzzed her through the front door. "Rach, you didn't -" He paused. "Huh. You didn't..."

Rachel's mouth dropped open. _He - Noah called her for me? _She swallowed hard. "I didn't." _Damn it, Noah._

* * *

Noah jumped as the phone vibrated across his desk. _Please let it be -_

_**She's surprisingly fine. Good luck when you get here.**_

He stared down at the display. _Better that than the other, right?_

_Right?_

Will watched Lori lead Rachel off into the bedroom and picked up his phone. "Poor guy's gotta be dying, Dan, I'll be in in a bit."

Dan smiled. "I figured as much, honey. Tell him hello."

Will sat at the kitchen table, blowing out a breath and dialing back.

"Hello?" Noah bolted upright in bed. "Will, is that - is she - " _Get a fucking grip. _"Good evening, sir, thanks for returning my call."

Will shook his head, grinning. "She's okay, Noah. Let me get that out first. She's just fine. Better than she's been, as a matter of fact. I take it she...unleashed?"

Noah chuckled, tension draining from his shoulders. "She did." _A lot._

"Well, if ever you wanted to help her, _that_ seemed to do some good." Will ran a hand over his mouth. "Noah, she's fine, but she - she genuinely wants to not talk to you right now. I think she's taking a breath. Just - let her? You'll be here soon enough. And she has plenty to think about right now. She's hurt and relieved all at the same time. Let her process. And either she'll reach out to you when she's ready, or you'll get here. Either way, it's a step for you both."

Noah nodded slowly. "I guess it is." _But I feel like something's gone wrong. _"Thanks, Will. I'm probably gonna be too busy to call, so I'll see you in August."

"Not long at all, son. And call if you need to. You know we're here. Dan says hello, best to your mom and Sarah."

"Thanks, Will. Good night." _I just don't know what yet..._

* * *

_**August**_

Rachel grinned as Mark walked down the hall, rolling her eyes when he turned back around the corner to wave again. "Get to work!" _Like a high schooler..._She walked into the classroom, rolling her shoulders.

* * *

Noah wandered the building. _Why are these things like mazes? And the buildings aren't connected in any way. Damn it..._

* * *

Rachel read the note on the syllabus, shaking her head. _Professor is out. She could have emailed me. I suppose I'll just make due. _She looked up with a welcoming but professional smile as students began filing in.

* * *

_What kind of hieroglyphics are these in? Pless _Hall, _Pless _Annex, _fucking hell_...He darted through the corridors and exhaled heavily before approaching the entrance.

* * *

Rachel automatically glanced towards the slowly opening door. _Late, already. Fun. _She focused her attention on the class seated before her. "Welcome to Musical Theory 101. I'm Rachel Berry, and I -"

"Holy shit." Noah shook his head, the door slamming shut behind him. "No fucking way."

Rachel's hand flew to her throat, vision narrowing to the diameter of startled hazel eyes as he slowly descended the stairs. _I must be losing my mind. _"I'll...I'll be your grad TA. The...the professor is..." She pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling. "I apologize." She tore her gaze away. "The professor is out sick today, unfortunately, so all we'll be doing is housekeeping." Picking up the stack of index cards, she split them up into smaller stacks, handing one to each person in the front row. "Name, preferred email, cell or dorm room phone number in case of emergencies. And your major." She swallowed hard as she landed in front of Noah in the last seat of the front row, the slightest tremor in her hand when her fingers brushed his around the paper.

"Composition," he blurted, passing the cards back. "My major. Music composition. I...I got the bachelor's in phys ed too, but I wanted this more." _I wanted _you _more._

She nodded dumbly, her heart pounding. "Well, that's - that's wonderful that you could - that you were able to -" _Why, why on Earth are we both here? I thought you were going to Juilliard..._

"I got in last year and deferred. Financial aid sucked." _I did tell you that...you just avoided knowing it. And now you can't. _He grinned quickly, shaking his head. "And I got waitlisted at Juilliard. So I'm here."

_Rachel! _She shook herself, plastering on a smile. "Well, congratulations." Breaking away from the spell of his gaze, she turned to the rest of the class, gathering up the cards. _You will not look at his card, Rachel Berry. You will not._

* * *

**A.N.**: And now, believe it or not, the _real_ fun begins...I hope you enjoyed? Let me know? Clickie? :)


	14. All We Are

_Suggested listening: Dreams, Fleetwood Mac; Let the Rain, Sara Bareilles; Something Happened on the Way to Heaven, Phil Collins; Love Me Do, The Beatles; All We Are, OneRepublic; If Only, Fink; The Scientist, Coldplay; Happy Ending, Mika_

A.N. Thank you as always for your patience! I could make these shorter and update more frequently - let me know if you'd rather that...

**Chapter 13: All We Are**

* * *

_**Early August**_

**Rachel sat on the floor, looking warily at the boxes under her bed. **_**It's August. August. School is starting. And Noah Puckerman is going to be here.**_

**"Rachel? Pumpkin, what on earth are you doing?" Dan peered in around the doorjam. "Will, honey, I need you over here."**

**"No!" Rachel glared at her father. "Daddy, I'm -"**

**Will rolled his eyes at his husband and entered the room. "You okay, baby girl?"**

**"Yes, I'm - " **_**You're what, Rachel? Why bother hiding? **_**She bit her lip, looking up at her fathers. "I think so? I just - I'm realizing that I am about to embark on the next step in my life. And..." She gestured at the boxes and stood. "So is he. Here. Somewhere."**

**"Sweetheart, it's easy enough to find out where." Dan raised a brow. "Unless you want to tell me you don't have everything he ever sent you in there."**

_**And a few things he didn't.**_** "No, Dad, it's not that. It's...I had such a lovely summer. I spent time with you and Daddy, explored the city, enjoyed Lori's company -"**

**" - and the company of the young gentlemen you find at the clubs and bars Lori and you go to?" Will watched her cross the room to the window. "You're finding your feet, baby girl, why not confront things now?"**

**"Because I don't see the use, Daddy. I told him that there were no guarantees when he arrived in New York. And I meant it." **_**Whether he took me seriously or not. **_**She turned to meet his gaze. "I'm in a good place. I'm not taking on anything too serious. Grad school will be enough of a challenge, especially since I'm still working at the Prom."**

**"Well, we're not here to force the issue, sweetheart. I'm just not used to seeing you sit still." Dan shrugged, smiling.**

**Rachel rolled her eyes. "I resent that. I'm much more still than I had been, by your request, I might add. And I've enjoyed it. You can't tell me my schedule is insane anymore. I'm even going to see the movie at Bryant Park alone tonight!"**

"**No, you're right, baby girl." Will snagged an arm around Dan's waist. "**_**I **_**might tell you you're insane for taking the risk of him turning up unexpectedly, but that's your call." He raised a brow. "Sure you're making the right one?"**

"**It is." **_**It has to be.**_** "And he won't. If Noah is coming here for me, he's thinking Juilliard, and I'm going to an entirely different school. What could go wrong?"**

**Will squeezed Dan against him and smiled.**

* * *

_**Late August...**_

Noah rubbed a hand over his grin. _This is fucking insane..._He leaned against the wall, watching the door.

"Get to class, Noah." Rachel brushed past him. _Please, before I lose my mind._

"I intend to. Right after I say a proper hello." He moved towards her. _Or as proper I can in public...Those skirts...not as short but they still make me crazy..._

_Don't_. She started down the hall and held up a hand. "Noah. I just can't -"

He ate up the distance to walk next to her. "You were expecting me at Juilliard, weren't you? I was expecting _you_ at Juilliard, so I - I came here. And there you are. Fuck, Rach, _there you are." I wanted a sign, didn't I? _He shook his head again, gently laying a hand on her bare arm. _Fuck, I missed the feel of your skin...Thank you, August heat..._"Don't you get it? I tried to avoid you, you tried to avoid me, and we end up right in front of each other. You don't think that means anything." _Come on, Rach...Don't tell me you feel nothing when I touch you..._His gaze dropped to her mouth.

Rachel caught her breath, a shock through her system. _Just the feel of his touch, the look in his eyes...damn it, Rachel..._She shrugged him off and kept moving. "No, I _don't _think it means anything other than that we're both serious about our careers and are looking for the best school." _I _can't _think it means anything other than that..._

_Give me a fucking break. _He blew out a breath, shaking his head. "Rachel, come on, you can't tell me -"

"- _anything,_ Noah, I can't tell you anything. This is my office." She opened a door to her right and ducked in, closing it behind her. _Damn it, damn him..._

_Well, shit._ Noah picked up his cell, dialing with a grin.

* * *

Will frowned as his cell vibrated across the desk. He glanced up at the clock. "Hello?"

"Hi, Will, it's Noah. How are you?" _Hopefully free for a call..._Noah paced the hall, finding a corner to tuck himself into. _I can talk and still see her. Perfect._

"Noah! I'm well, how are you?" Will took his glasses off, laying them on the desk. "Did you settle in all right? Classes starting today?"

"Yup. Classes started today." He grinned broadly. "Including my Musical Theory class." _Also known as my _favorite _class._

"Oh, don't even tell me -" Will pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Rach is going to be a _great _TA." Noah stifled a chuckle. _And I don't mean tits and ass. Those are _already _fucking perfect._

* * *

_I cannot believe this_. Rachel sank heavily into her chair, carefully placing the cards in a pile on her desk. _I just - in all the world..._She picked up her phone, massaging her temples as she dialed.

* * *

"Noah..." Will shook his head.

_Aww, come on!_ He sighed. "Will, I swear I didn't bother her during class."

"No, not during, just after?" Will rolled his eyes as his phone beeped. "Call waiting, hold on a second." He clicked over. "Hello, Willia-"

"Daddy, he's in my class!" Rachel pressed hard at the pressure point in her palm. _My head is going to explode..._"Noah Puckerman is at NYU."

Will bit his lip. "Are you all right?"

"I - I think I am?" Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, opening them again. _I feel intact...physically, at least..._"I just - I can't figure out what to do..."

"Can you hold on, baby girl? I have another call on the line, actually."

_He's working, Rachel, you know this! _She sighed, rubbing a hand over her eyes. "I'm sorry, Daddy, I'll just -"

"No, just hold on, Rachel, I'll be right back." Blowing out a breath, he clicked back over. "Noah, I have to take this call."

"It's Rach, isn't it." Noah pushed off the wall, peering down the hallway. _It's gotta be._ "I just tried to talk to her, Will, that's all. She wouldn't even stop walking."

Will groaned. "Noah, what happened to giving her space to figure it out?"

"But she was right there, Will, after we both tried so hard to stay away from each other. I - it was like a sign, and I just couldn't let it go." _Not again. Not this time. _He leaned to the right. _Damn, can't see her._

Rachel drummed her fingers on the desk. _Wait. The other line. He - would he -_ She hung up and hit redial.

"Noah - " Will frowned at his phone. "Call waiting. Hold on." He sighed and clicked over. "Rachel, just -"

_I knew it. _She frowned. "It's Noah. The other line."

Will rolled his eyes again. "Yes. Do you want to hold on? I'll conference him in?"

"Daddy! No!" Rachel pressed a hand to her churning stomach. _Joint therapy with Noah? _ "Absolutely not." She bit her lip. _Don't ask, Rachel, don't you -_ "What is he saying?"

"What an excellent TA you're going to be." He stood from his desk to pour himself a scotch.

Noah paced the hall. _Shit, Puckerman, go knock on her door and you can conference call._ He hung up, dialing Will back.

She smoothed a strand of hair through her hands over and over. _I'm sure that's all he said. Not that he's going to be there every other day, watching and waiting for me. _"Did you tell him to change sections? Because honestly, I don't see how this could work out."

"Rachel -"

_That makes you sound incompetent! _She covered her face with her hands. "Not that I couldn't be impartial! But I just don't see how -"

"Rachel -"

"- he expects this to work." _And he _does_ expect this to work somehow, I don't know _how, _but he certainly does..._She shook her head. "He shows up and tells me it's a _sign,_ and -"

"Rachel!" Will pulled back to see the display. "Hold on." He switched calls. "Noah -"

"What's she saying?" _Is she okay? Does she want to see me?_ He blew out a breath. "Is she upset? Is she angry or sad? I don't want to ruin anything for her but -"

"Noah -"

"- NYU is more me than Juilliard, so I really don't want to have to transfer." _And she's here. She's _here.

"Noah, I don't think -"

"I planned everything around NYU. Is that why you wouldn't tell me what school she wanted to go to? Because you knew we both wanted to come here?" _Or is it because you didn't want me to change my mind?_

"Oh my God, save me from you both," Will muttered. "Yes, Noah, this is why. I didn't want the both of you trying to maneuver around each other, I just wanted you both to pick the school that's best for you. Look, can I call you -"

"Does she know it's me on the other line?" _She's gotta know, she's too smart not to._ He peeked down the hall again.

"Yes, Noah, she does. So now I can tell you - truthfully I can't manage you both, and I have to choose Rachel."

"Tell her she looked gorgeous." _She always does._ "I know that it wasn't appropriate to tell her in class, and I didn't get a chance to after, but I mean it." He exhaled heavily. _I mean everything I haven't said to her yet._

Will leaned his head back against the chair. "If I think it's helpful to your cause, I will, but frankly, Noah, she sounds none too pleased. I say get to class, get away from outside her office, and call after your classes are done today, all right?"

Noah chuckled. "Well, actually -"

"Noah, I have to go, I'll speak to you later." Will drained his scotch and hung up.

"- my classes _are _done for the day." He glanced back towards her closed door. "Shit." _I know what I'm supposed to do though. _Inhaling deeply, he walked away.

"Sorry, Rachel. You there?"

She released her nail from between her teeth. _Barely. _"Yes, Daddy, I am. Is he - is he gone?"

"Yes, sweetheart. He's off the phone and away from your office."

"Thank you, Daddy." She pressed her fingertips to her closed eyes. _I didn't even think he'd just wait out there..._"I'm sorry, I'm just...thrown. I didn't expect to see him here. At all."

"Well, he didn't expect to see you either, sweetheart, I assure you. He does say you'll make an excellent TA."

"Because I managed not to completely fall apart when he walked in?" She sighed. _I suppose I'm a bit impressed by that feat as well._ "Daddy, it was like seeing a ghost. He came in through the back of the lecture hall and it was like a scene from Dickens' Christmas Carol. As though he just floated down the stairs and no one saw him but me. He sat in the front row and I had to keep it together by sheer force of will."

"Honey, if you'd only actually read those letters -"

"Daddy!" _I thought we weren't doing this anymore. _She pouted. "I had such a lovely Noah-free summer -"

"You mean aside from cards for every holiday and a few you didn't know existed -"

"I didn't realize they made Flag Day greeting cards," she muttered. _And I am not impressed. I'm _not.

"Nor did your father or I until you got one from him." Will sighed and put his glasses back on. "Rachel, we talked about this."

"I know, but I didn't think he'd be among my _students _or at NYU at all!" _I'm not prepared, and I'm already committed here..._

"And that's the risk you took by not looking." Will clicked through his email, shaking his head. "I'm sure he told you, Rachel. You didn't want to know. This is what happens. Fate has a way of putting in front of us that which we most try to leave behind."

"That sounds like a fortune cookie." Rachel sighed, looking up at the clock. _It's really only 1 in the afternoon?_

* * *

Noah checked his watch. _Ma should be on lunch by now._ He dialed and sat across the street on a bench on the plaza.

"Noah!" Ilana waved to the other nurses and moved away. "Sweetheart, how are you? How was the first day of school? Did you by any chance -"

"See Rachel?" _I know how your mind works, Ma. _"As a matter of fact, I did." He grinned, leaning back against the seat. "She's my TA."

"She's your - _Noah!_ You mean she's at NYU?" His mother pressed a hand to her heart.

"She's at NYU." He shook his head. _My fucking luck. _"Can you believe it?"

"Noah, that's - that's _amazing!"_ Ilana laughed. "It's like a sign."

"That's what _I _said!" He shrugged, watching the people walking by. "She didn't seem to buy it though." _Still, better than I ever thought I'd be._

"Noah, what did you do." Ilana pursed her lips, taking a table in the break room.

"Hey, come on! I just showed up to class." _And waited for her outside it. _"It's not like I tried to make her uncomfortable in front of the rest of the students or anything." _But maybe blurting my personal business to a roomful of strangers wasn't a good idea..._"And she's on the phone with Will now anyway, even if she _is _feeling -"

"Vulnerable? Uncertain? Scared? Angry?" His mother raised a brow. "Shall I continue?"

Noah rolled his eyes. _Seriously? _"Whose side are you on?"

"On the side of Jewish grandchildren, Noah." She laughed. "So what did you do?"

"I just wanted to talk to her, Ma. She was right there and I just couldn't let her walk away." _Not this time. Not now that I'm here. _He rubbed a hand over his mouth. "I just waited for her."

"Mm-hmm. And she fell into your arms happily ever after? Or did she take one look at you and try to run?"

_Damn it, Ma..._He grimaced slightly before he replied."She - I mean - Rach doesn't _run,_ she just -"

"Tried to get away as quickly as she could and you followed."

"Maybe..." _When the fuck did you get to know her so well? Or is it me you read like a book?_

"Good." Ilana grinned and took a sip of her tea. "She knows you still care, even if she doesn't want to."

_Wait, what? _Noah frowned at the phone. "You mean you're not mad at me?"

"Mad at you? Noah." Ilana laughed. "The only thing I'm mad about is that I didn't get to help you move into your apartment. And only because I couldn't casually call William or Daniel and arrange to have dinner. I'm a Jewish mother, Noah, matchmaking is in my blood. It was easy to tell you to give her space while you weren't there. But now that you are? Can't hurt to show your face a little." She narrowed her eyes. "A _little_, Noah. Do not give her grounds to call the police about a stalker, all right?"

He chuckled. "No, Ma, no stalking." He leaned forward, glancing up and down the sidewalk again. _No matter how much I may want to._

"Puckerman? No _fucking _way."

Noah looked up. _You fucking kidding me?_ _Someone's gotta be on my side._ He shook his head. "Ma, I gotta go."

"Noah? What's going -" Ilana's eyes lit up. "Is _Rachel _there? Noah, is she -"

_If only_. "Ma, I'll - I'll call you later." He hung up the phone and watched the approach.

"Noah Puckerman. She has _got _to be pissed." Lori climbed the stairs to drop on the bench beside him. "Gonna be fun talking to her later. So how're you?"

* * *

"Rachel, honey, you know I love you. But we _did _talk about this."

Rachel smoothed a hand over her hair. "I know, Daddy. I was just hoping to have more time -" _Time. Oh my goodness. I have to check..._" - before we saw each other again. And in a different setting."

"Well, honey, I think with Noah you should know to expect the unexpected by now."

* * *

"Uh, is fucking floored an acceptable answer?" _But this could be good._ Noah ran a hand over his head. "I forgot you went here."

"Yeah, well, I didn't know you went here. So we're even." Lori sighed and shook her head. "First day of class?"

"Yup. And I just got out of musical theory." He looked at her and raised a brow. _You know what's next._

"She's your TA. Of course she is." Lori rolled her eyes, draping her arms across the bench. "So? How was the summer? I know we got those cards. Even when she said to leave off."

He shrugged. "Like you blame me?" _You know how I feel about her._

She grinned. "Nope. And you totally helped your cause. No matter what she said."

He blew out a breath. "She didn't say _much,_ that's for damn sure." _Wish she would..._"I followed her back to her office and she shut the door in my face. And then I called Will. And then she called Will. I was half-expecting him to conference us together."

"Oh, _hell_ no. You haven't spoken to Rachel in a couple of months, Noah. You have no idea what you're in for."

* * *

"I didn't think that he would do something _this _unexpected, Daddy!" Rachel flipped through the index cards, pausing on Noah's before moving past. "He said he was coming here to get to me - wouldn't he have gone to Juilliard then?" _That's what I was counting on..._

"Or maybe he was trying _not_ to be too pushy about it and chose NYU to be _away _from you, even though he's in New York?"

"Well, that's _silly_, Daddy. He's been so persistent until now, I can't imagine why that would change." _Maybe because he's grown up? _Rachel frowned at herself._ Rachel! Stop it._

"Because you asked him to?" Will lifted his gaze to the heavens. "Rachel, you know I love you. I have clients starting in ten minutes. I can talk to you about this when you get home. Bottom line is he's here, he's at NYU, and you're going to have to deal with it, sweetheart. Neither of you is going to transfer, I'm sure, and you shouldn't - NYU has a fantastic program. But yes, this is what I was talking about when I said you were taking a risk."

Taking a deep breath, Rachel spoke softly. "Did you _know _it was NYU, Daddy?" _Please say no..._

"No, I didn't know for certain. But I knew it was a top choice. He didn't even intend for me to know, he gave himself away sending a song he'd written for you." He glanced at the clock. "Baby girl, I have to go, I'm sorry. What time will you be home?"

_A song for me?_ She sighed, rubbing her forehead. "I should be home by 8 or so, I have class later. I may stop by before though." _Especially since I have a sneaking suspicion about something._

* * *

"The hell does that mean?" Noah frowned, sitting forward and turning to meet Lori's gaze. _Rachel can't have changed that much..._"I had a bad feeling about not being in touch, that's why I sent those damn cards."

"Relax, Puckerman." Lori patted his shoulder. "I mean that this is a Rachel who's been out and about in New York City, learning her potential. You're going to have to play this just right."

_Learning her - _"Just...for fuck's sake, just tell me she doesn't have a boyfriend." He turned to look at Lori. _Seriously, just tell me that much..._

"Ah, mon ami...you're going to have to get the woman herself to reveal that one." She looked at her watch. "And I've gotta go. You have class today?"

"Just musical theory, the other one is cancelled. Trying to figure out what to do with myself." _Besides wait here in hopes of spotting Rach._

Lori stood, stretching. "Well, I'm out at three - where'd you end up getting housing?"

He grinned. "Not far."

"From here? Or from _her?" _She raised a brow. "I'm betting if not both, then not far from her."

He only smiled. _You'll know when you need to know._

Lori rolled her eyes. "If I see you in her building, Puckerman, I am not going to be pleased." She looked him up and down. "Even if I wouldn't be surprised."

* * *

Rachel sighed, the last index card filed. _I am not looking. I'm going home._ She stood, closing and locking the desk drawer. _Well, lunch first. Home or elsewhere? _She grabbed her bag and headed out the door.

* * *

Lori stood. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you around. Workshops and stuff at least."

_Workshops?_ Noah frowned at her. "I never asked what your major is." _Good job with that, Puckerman, you need this chick on your side..._

She smirked. "Composition, hotshot. Hope you can keep up." She leaned down to kiss his cheek. "Good luck, babe. Give me a call if you need anything."

_Just Rachel._ "I will, Lori, thanks." He scrubbed his hands over his face.

"Good. Now quit loitering. Go get lunch in Union Square or something."

_Hmm, why the fuck not?_ He raised a brow, nodding slowly. "Maybe I will. Haven't been up there since that spring break. Thanks."

"No problem." Tossing a wave his way, she skimmed down the stairs and crossed the street.

Noah stood, smoothing his hands over his head. _May as well enjoy the city I'm living in, right? _He put his sunglasses on and strolled to the subway.

* * *

Rachel pushed the door open, turning her face to the sun. _You know what? Lunch outside. Home later._

"Rach?" Lori grinned and walked over. "This is gonna be awesome, bumping into you." She kissed her cheek noisily. "How was class?"

"Informative." _Even if that information was unsolicited._ Rachel slid her sunglasses on. "Apparently, Noah's first choice school was NYU."

Lori giggled. "Of course it is."

Rachel eyed her. _I know that look of amusement._ "You saw him."

Lori nodded. "I did. He says you looked gorgeous, which you do, that you would make an excellent TA, which you will, and asked if you had a boyfriend."

_He asked -_ Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. "And you said?"

"Nothing." She shook her head. "But, honey, I'm beginning to think that Noah's got a higher power in his corner."

"You sound like him." Rachel sighed. "He keeps telling me about signs." _Like he's wrong, Rachel?_ She pursed her lips, shaking the thought away.

"Rach, realize one thing. It'll make your life easier." Lori took her hands. "That guy will do anything and everything in his power to get to you and to convince you to at _least _give him a chance. Prepare yourself thusly." She kissed her cheek. "And maybe talk to him? Easiest way to get him to leave you alone."

_Or to encourage him._ "I'll think about it, Lor. Class?"

"Yup." She kissed Rachel's cheek. "Call me tonight?"

"Absolutely. Especially since I think I need a song." _Time for more musical therapy, it seems..._Rachel sighed.

Lor frowned quickly. "A song? Sure, but what for?"

Rachel gave a half-smile. "For me. I need something...good and sad and final." _Something to put it all at behind me..._

Lori rolled her eyes. "I'll find you a song, babe, but that doesn't mean he'll leave you alone."

Rachel smirked. "Don't you worry about that." _I can deal with Noah Puckerman now._ She kissed Lori and let her go. "Get to class, I'm going to treat myself to lunch outside."

"Really? Where to?" Lori looked around. "I mean, it _is _gorgeous."

Shrugging, Rachel pulled her Metrocard from her bag. "Union Square? I don't have anything till 4:30. Maybe I'll give Mark a call."

Lori bit back a smile. "If you want. I never mind sitting and eating alone at Union Square."

"Mmm, that too. I'll see how I feel when I get out of the subway." _I may just want the company and light flirtation..._She waved Lori on. "I'll give you a call tonight, have fun in class!"

Lor stuck her tongue out and entered the building.

* * *

Noah watched the subway come to a stop, hoisting his backpack. _I really think I could get used to this. _He followed the crowd up the stairs, lowering his shades as he hit street level. _I forgot how nice this place was. _He looked around the stands and shoved his hands in his pockets. _Let's see what's for lunch._

* * *

Rachel stood outside the entrance to the subway, hitting send on the text message. _So, he'll come join me if he can, if not, I'll enjoy the sunlight and the Greenmarket. Sounds good. _She descended the stairs to platform level and rolled her shoulders. _And no more Noah Puckerman today. At least not until Wednesday._

* * *

Noah shook his head. _Only in New York. _He approached another wine vendor, smiling as he asked for a sample. _You can get a pretty damn good buzz going for free. _He tossed the cup. _But I think I need something to eat for real...wasn't there that stand back there with sandwiches? _He took a sample of cheese as he went past another stand and headed to the far corner of the market.

* * *

_Just enjoy this last little bit of summer, Rachel. _She straighted and stood as the train slowed. _The Greenmarket is fun, get something to eat from the bakery stand, sit and relax. Mark will meet you if he can, and you can bask in the sun._ She hit street level and exhaled, walking towards the back corner of the market.

Noah browsed the foccacia and premade sandwiches. _Geez, fancy. No wonder why she loves it here. _He raised a brow at the quiches._ That looks more my speed..._

* * *

Rachel ran her fingers over the plastic wrapped pastries. _I can't choose...spinach, eggplant..._She jumped as she brushed against someone. "Oh, I'm sorry!"

_I hear that voice in my dreams_. Noah's eyes went wide behind his sunglasses as he grabbed her hand. "I'm not." He lowered his shades. "Hey, Rach."

_You must be joking._ She pulled at his grasp. "Hello, Noah."

_**"What an unpleasant surprise!" **_**She flung the door open, bottle in her fist.**

_No way I'm letting you go._ He held her tighter, shaking his head. _Not this time. _"No office around here. I'm not going to bite unless you want me to." _No matter how much I want to._ He smiled wickedly, rubbing circles with his thumb on the palm of her hand. "And I do remember you not minding that." He grinned. "You bit right back."

_I loved the taste of your skin..._Rachel flushed, shaking her head and tugging her hand again. _Stop it, Rachel, come on! _"No, thank you, if you'd let go -"

_I did when I didn't have a choice. Not doing it again if I can help it._ He laced his fingers through hers, walking the length of the table. "I need lunch. Any recommendations? You know I'm not much for rabbit food, but this looks good."

"There's a barbecue restaurant that way." Rachel pointed with her free hand down towards 16th. "Brother Jimmy's. Everyone loves it." _And it's nowhere I would ever go. It's perfect._

_Nice try, Rach._ He pouted down at her. "Aw, come on. It's gorgeous out and I want to eat decently. Not in the mood to cook really." _But I will for you if you let me..._"So, help me out. I'm a stranger in a strange land. What's good?"

_Recalculating. Get a quiche, go back down to campus and eat there._ "Everything, Noah, it's a farmer's market. Could you just -"

_Okay, fine, let's play this smart._ "You were eyeing the quiche and so was I. Want to split one?" He raised a brow.

_No. Not with you._ She shook her head. "I really don't -"

_Come on, Rach. It's just lunch. In a public place. _He scanned the labels. "Spinach, right? You used to have spinach salads all the time."

_A million years ago in a different world._ She shook her head again. "I'm not -"

"Rach." He struggled to find her eyes through the tinted glasses. _Are you really that dead set against me? _"I just want to have lunch, talk a little. You said there were no guarantees that I'd find you when I got here, and I've found you twice in _one day." Just give me a chance._ He took a deep breath. "Please, Rachel."

_Don't be kind, Noah, damn it...it's too dangerous. _She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Noah, I -"

_**"This time baby, I'll be...bulletproof..."**_

_Oh thank heavens..._Rachel tugged her hand again. "That's my phone, Noah, I need to answer it. I'm meeting my boyfriend here."

_Boyfriend._ He dropped her hand. _Motherfucker._ "Rachel -"

She held up a hand, fumbling in her purse. "Damn it, come on..." _Where is that damn phone?_

"Rach -"

"Hello, sunshine," came a voice over his shoulder.

Noah turned. _Who the fuck - shit, the boyfriend. _He looked the interloper up and down. _Oh, give me a break, Rach, seriously? Brown hair, regular blue collar type. He's even wearing _plaid _for fuck's sake..._

Mark walked between them and wrapped his arms around Rachel. "Missed me that much, huh?"

Rachel blushed, giggling. "No...I just - I just wanted some company for lunch." _Never let it be said I can't act._

"And then she bumped into me." Noah stepped forward, holding out a hand. _Come on, Rach, just look at us together. _"Hi, Noah Puckerman. I've known Rachel since preschool in Lima."

"Great!" Mark shook his hand. "Mark Mulligan. Then can you tell me why the girl insists on dating and nothing more? It's hard on a guy's ego!"

"Mark!" Rachel slapped his arm. _Damn it, you had to bring this up now?_

_Real easy on mine though._ Noah grinned. "Couldn't tell you, dude. The Rachel I grew up with doesn't do casual." He locked eyes with hers. "I didn't always get that about her, even though I should've. So this Rachel who _only _dates?" He slipped his sunglasses on. "You're on your own with that one." _And I'm on my own with _mine. "Rach, I'll see you Wednesday."

"Take care, Noah." _Damn it. _She turned her attention to Mark. "I thought we talked about this."

_"You _talked about it, I said I'd just hope to change your mind. Figured I'd see if an old friend had any insight." Mark spun her in his arms to look down at the table. "Oh, spinach quiche today?"

Rachel pursed her lips. _Damn it, Noah._ "No."

* * *

_Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. _Noah grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets and rounding towards the artists._ She doesn't have a boyfriend. She _refuses _to have one. I know you don't mean it to, Rach, but that looks damn good to me._ He pulled his cell from his pocket and dialed.

Quinn frowned quickly as her phone vibrated across her notebook.

"All right class, ten minute break."

She picked up her cell and looked around, smiling. "Hey, Mr. New York."

Noah grinned, running a hand over his head. "Q. Holy shit, Q. She doesn't have a boyfriend. She's dating but she refuses to get serious. I'm fucking _in." She just doesn't know it yet._

She laughed. "Noah, you know you're only halfway there. Did you talk to her? What did she say?"

"I - kinda? She's my TA." _I'm hot for teacher..._

"Oh, you must be joking." Quinn ran a hand through her hair. "Of all the crazy things. Did she flip?"

"She definitely lost her cool. And you know even _that's_ an accomplishment." _Wish I could get her to lose it in other ways again..._Noah licked his lips, smirking.

"I'm sure she hated that." She rolled her eyes. "You're really not making your cause easier."

"Yeah, but _someone_ is. I bumped into her friend Lori again, and she told me to go back to Union Square for lunch." He chuckled. "Guess who ended up at the _same stand _in the Greenmarket?" _I wonder if that one was Lori..._

Quinn giggled. "You and Rachel."

He nodded, dropping onto a bench. "Yup. And that's when the not-boyfriend showed up. You know she tried to tell me she had a boyfriend?"

"Seriously? Rachel Berry, blatantly lying?" Quinn arched a brow. "So what happened?"

Noah snickered. "The guy asked me, since I've known Rach so long, why she refused to do anything more than date." _And basically just made my fucking life._

Quinn laughed again. "She must hate you right now."

"Or she's been keeping things light till I got here." _Yeah, right. _He snorted lightly.

Quinn rolled her eyes again. "Noah, I'm sure you'd like to believe that, but I doubt it."

"Please, this is what, your first week of grad school, Dr. Phil?" _I do too, but can't I wish?_ He smirked. "Will's the pro, you're still the amateur."

"Maybe, but I'm a girl, and I've taken enough psych classes by now to know a little about avoidance." Quinn smirked. "She's protecting herself. You're a threat to her equilibrium."

"Yeah, well her equilibrium sucks. It's good to throw it a little, damn it." _I want to get an equilibrium that includes me. _

"And the more you throw it, the more she's going to avoid you. Just so you know."

"Well, she can't go anywhere when we're in class, right? I'll just be there, front and center, asking questions, being..._better."_ He set his jaw. _Every single class. _

"Sure. Except she's the TA, not the professor. You don't get to her during class."

_Shit_. "How about during lab? Would that be a TA thing?" He raised his eyebrows. _Gimme something..._

Quinn leaned back in her chair. "That has possibilities. I have to go, class, but good luck. Seriously."

_And I actually believe that too. _He smiled. "Thanks, Q. I appreciate it."

"I have my happily ever after on the horizon. Considering that you had a lot to do with that, it's easy to cheer you on." She flipped up her laptop as the professor entered the room.

_Cheer...I didn't get a chance to enjoy her at the Prom..._"Mmm, do you still have a uniform? I'd love to get Rach-"

"Good_bye,_ Noah." Quinn hung up the phone, turning her attention back to the class.

Noah looked over towards the Greenmarket. _Now I can't wait till lab._

* * *

"Seriously? Not a spinach quiche?" Mark slung an arm around her shoulders. "It's your favorite, I don't get it."

"I'm just not in the mood, is that a crime?" _Rachel! Stop it. _She blew out a breath. "I'm sorry. Noah just caught me off guard."

Mark shrugged, kissing the top of her head. "He seems like a nice enough guy to me. What is he, visiting?"

_If only. _"Not quite. He actually...moved here for -" _me _"- school." _Rachel! It's as though you _want _him to be here. _She frowned quickly.

"That's cool." He leaned down to catch her eyes. "You should show him around, I don't mind."

Rachel bristled. _It should matter what you think? _"I think he'll be just fine, but if I change my mind, I'll be sure not to let you know," she bit out.

"Hey, relax." He frowned quickly. "I don't know what I did to offend you, but I take it back."

"Thank you. Look, I think I'm just going to get something at Whole Foods. Would you like to join me?"

"Sure. Just...don't take my head off? I just like you, okay? I don't mean to offend you, I'm probably trying too hard." He steered her across the street. "I just want you to try this for real."

"**But I'm coming back to you. I want to try this for real.**"

She smiled tightly. "Let's just have lunch, okay?" _That's as real as I can handle right now._

_So, lunch._ Noah grinned and peered down the block. _If I don't get Rach, I should at least get barbecue. _He whistled to himself as he approached the corner.

Rachel frowned quickly, pausing and holding Mark back. _That sounds like one of Noah's songs._ She glanced down to the crosswalk and turned to Mark. _At this rate, he'll will invite Noah to lunch._ "Oh, can I check something? I wanted to see if this vineyard is here today, I lost focus entirely." She swallowed hard. _Yes, yes, you did, Rachel._

* * *

_Lunch and books, done._ Noah walked into the apartment, grinning. _For a vegetarian, she knows her barbecue._ He dropped his bag and picked up his cell. _Ma should be home by now..._

"Hello?" Ilana smiled at Sarah across the table. "It's Noah." Sarah waved and kept doing her homework. "Hello, my son. "

_She gets so damn dramatic..._He rolled his eyes. "Hey, Ma. Sorry about that, ran into Rachel's best friend." He grinned. "And then Rachel. And then met the guy Rachel's dating. And then had barbecue and finished up at the bookstore."

"What? She's _dating?_ Noah! What _happened?" _Ilana pressed a hand to her head.

He laughed. "Ma, you think I'd sound this calm if I thought it was a problem?" _It's actually in my favor._ "She tried to tell me she had a boyfriend, then the guy comes up to us and asks me why she refuses to do anything more serious than dating."

"Wait, I must have a bad connection here." Ilana's brow furrowed. "She won't do more than date even though this guy wants to be more."

"In a nutshell." He smiled smugly. _Fucking love it._

"Noah, that's - honey, that sounds really good." She swallowed her squeal.

_You're not fooling me._ "Ma, you can go ahead and crow, I know it must be killing you." He snickered. _You probably look like you're gonna explode._

"I can contain myself, Noah. I won't jinx this." She took a deep breath, the grin tugging at her lips. "But it _does _sound fantastic. She won't get too deep."

"I know, Ma. I - I even felt a little _bad _for Rach." _Not bad enough to leave her alone, though._ He frowned. "She tried so hard to get me away from her."

"She _had _time without you. You didn't call or write all summer!" Ilana drew herself up indignantly.

_Aw, hell..._Noah rubbed the back of his neck. "Well..."

_"Noah..."_

"Just cards, not real _letters_." He ducked quickly. _Shit, even 532 miles away and you've got me cowering._ "Come on, Ma, I didn't want her to think I wasn't thinking of her."

"After what you told me, I guess I can't blame you." She shrugged. "You screwed things up pretty badly, sweetheart. Throwing away someone who felt that way about you..."

_No shit. _He swallowed hard. "Yeah, I know, Ma. I know. So I sent cards for every holiday. The Flag Day card was a hit."

"I didn't even know they made those," Ilana commented.

"Yeah, I didn't either but I just kept checking the card shop." _Every day. _He ran a hand over his head.

Ilana sighed. "You know what, Noah? I think this has to work out, not just because I want it to, but because this is the most effort you've put into anything. You've grown up. And I'm proud of you." She chuckled. "It also doesn't hurt that you're subletting two blocks away on the way to the school."

"I told you, Ma." He smirked. "The Good Lord wants Puckleberry." _Seems like He always has, even if I was too stupid to get it._

Ilana rolled her eyes. "That ridiculous name."

"Well, at this point, I'll take what I can get." _I'll take her any way I can, period. _He took a slow breath.

"Did you eat? You said barbecue?"

"Yeah, that's when I bumped into her, I saw her while I was looking for lunch. Great brisket." _Oh, shit, You know what she's gonna -_

"You'll take me when we come to visit." Her tone brooked no argument.

- _say. _He chuckled. "Yes, Ma. Promise."

"Good." She raised a brow. "Dinner?"

He dropped onto the couch. "Think I'll make an omelette. I got it though, Ma. Thanks." _Kinda nice to be worried about._

"Well, if I couldn't be there, I can at least nag like I am." She smiled, raising a brow at Sarah. "Want to say hi to your brother?"

"Hi Noah!" Sarah took the phone. "Don't make Rachel mad again. Tell her I miss her."

_Ohhhh, now _there's_ a card to play..._"I will, rugrat. I get to see her tomorrow night, I think. She's helping one of my professors with my class." _And then maybe helping me with _me.

"Ha! She's your _teacher_. That's awesome." Sarah turned the page in her textbook. "Tell her I miss her and that she has my permission to give you detention."

"Ouch!" He grinned, flipping the TV on. _I wouldn't mind that kind of undivided attention..._"You don't get detention in college but why should I get one?"

"'Cause you were dumb." She rolled her eyes. "Duh. Maybe if she gets to punish you, she won't be mad at you anymore and she'll come back to at least visit."

_Huh. I wonder if she has a point. _He shrugged. "Well, you're coming to visit me next weekend. I'll ask her if she's free, okay?"

"Okay! Thanks, Noah. I'll see you next week. Here's Ma." Sarah held out the cell.

Ilana took the phone back, shaking her head. "You guys kill me. Detention?"

_She might be on to something with the punishment. Maybe my next gift will be a paddle..._"I don't know, Ma, maybe she does just need to go off on me in person."

"Noah, you stop it!" She turned away from the table slightly. "What were you telling Sarah?"

"I said I'd try to see if Rachel was free." He smirked. _I'm sure you don't mind._

"Oh, that's _devious_." Ilana grinned. "I love it."

"Thought you'd approve." He laughed, leaning back into the couch. _I do too. _"You know, I used to hate that I thought that I got my badassness from him, but sometimes, Ma, I really think it's you."

* * *

_You know this is all you. _Rachel blew out a breath, smiling tightly at Mark as they sat in Union Square. "I'm sorry for before, Mark. Seeing Noah really just startled me, I hadn't recovered from the shock when you got to us."

"Rachel, I hate to ask, but...he's more than just your friend, isn't he?" He took his sandwich and drink from the bag and raised a brow.

"What - why would you say that?" She flushed, taking a long drink of her iced tea. _Why does he ruin everything?_

"You were more than startled, you were _angry_. And I stepped right into it." Mark shrugged. "Plus, there was something about the smile on his face when I asked about your dating only rule. He's the reason for it, huh?"

"No!" _Yes._ "I - he -" She sighed. "Not the way you think. He's the one who made me wary, you're right." She met his eyes. "But I don't want anything more from him, Mark." _Nothing. Ever._ "I - I like what we have."

"I do too, but I'm not going to get in the middle of unfinished business. And there's something there, Rachel." He slowly shook his head. "I'm not an idiot. He came here for _you."_

Rachel flinched, biting her lip. _No. I can't believe that. _

* * *

**She gasped as her head hit the pillow, Noah's hand cupping her cheek. **_**I love you, Noah...**_**I **_**do...**_**Rachel moaned into his mouth as he slowed his thrusts, shuddering as she subsided. **

**He pulled away, nibbling her neck. ****"****Again.****"**

**"****Noah!****"**** She laughed breathlessly, shivering. ****"****You can't possibly -****"**

**"**_**Again.**_**"**** Noah bit down hard, hand reaching between them to rub rhythmically at her clit. ****"****I know **_**you **_**can.**** "**

**"****I don't -****"**** She twitched upward, hands clutching at his shoulders. ****"**_**Noah -**_**"**

**He rotated his hips against her, fingers working the nubbin of nerves. ****"****Come on, Rachel.****"**** His voice rumbled in her ear. ****"****I want to give this to you. Let go.****"**

**Rachel arched and cried out, arms tightening around him while she orgasmed. **_**She won't love you like I do...**_**She exhaled shakily as he withdrew, crossing the room to dispose of the condom. **_**You know that, it's why you came back to me...**_**Noah slid back under the covers, drawing her to him. Rachel gave a small smile,****sighing and laying her head on his chest.**_** I love you so much...**_

* * *

_I can't take the chance...Not again..._"Mark, believe me. If he thinks that, it's only in his head." She grabbed his hand, squeezing. "Just pretend like we rendezvoused at Whole Foods, and that encounter before never happened."

Mark frowned and shook his head. "We can try, but I'm going to be a little more careful with this for a while."

"I understand, Mark." _I can't blame you either._ She raised a brow. "You _can't _say I didn't warn you though. Nothing more serious because it's not anything I'm ready for."

"I think I really get it now." He squeezed her back, linking their fingers. "So let's just enjoy this for however much longer it lasts."

_I get the feeling that won't be much longer at all. _She smiled tightly again. "Let's."

* * *

_**Later that day...**_

"I'll see you next week, Sam." Will walked his last client of the day to the door, shutting it behind him. "Now home for the next nut." He locked up the office, slipping his cell from his pocket as he waited for the elevator.

_**"**__**And you can tell everybody this is your song..."**_

Dan smiled as Elton John sang from his pocket. "Hello, my love."

"Hello, darling." Will raised a brow. "Are you on your way home?"

Dan frowned quickly. "I am…Just wrapped up the last charts of my shift, why?"

"Because I think Rach might beat me home, and I think she's going to need to decompress with someone. You're closer than I am." He watched the display as the elevator approached.

"On it." Dan paused. "Do I want to know why?"

Chuckling, Will replied. "No, ah, and that's a hint."

Dan rolled his eyes. "You're such a comedian. I'll pick up something dark chocolate on the way."

"Thank you, and I'll pick up pizza. Rendevouz in the den." Will hung up as the doors closed.

* * *

_Home, sweet home…_Rachel opened the door with a sigh. "Dad? Daddy?"

"I'm in here, pumpkin, Daddy's in his office." Dan peeked around the corner. "How was your day?"

"It was...interesting." Rachel dropped her purse on the side table, joining her father in the den. _To say the least. _She sank onto the couch next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Did Daddy tell you anything?"

"No. Ah. That's all I know."

Rachel rolled her eyes. _Thanks, Daddy. _"Cute. Yes, Noah. Noah, in the class I'm TAing for. Noah, who found me in the Union Square Greenmarket after I tried to leave him at school. Oh, and after I tried to pass Mark off as my boyfriend. Mark, who promptly dispelled that by asking Noah why on Earth I refused to do more than date." _My life…_She buried her face in her hands, shaking her head. "I've had quite enough of today, actually, thank you," she muttered between her fingers.

* * *

Will set the pizza on the passenger seat and started the car, blowing out a breath. "Now to return a phone call." He dialed, switching the phone to speaker as he pulled away from the curb.

Noah scribbled notes on the staff paper, plucking his way through a melody. _I need a piano, I think..._He looked up as his phone danced across the coffee table, putting the guitar aside to answer. "Hello?"

"Noah, it's Will. Sorry about before, but Rachel was in something of a state."

_Oh, shit. _"I - Will, she might be more of a mess by now. Have you spoken to her after I saw her in the hall?"

"No... " He frowned dully. _"Should_ I have?"

_Uhhh…Actually…_Noah shook his head, rubbing a hand over his mouth. "Probably yes."

* * *

Dan wrapped an arm around her and rubbed her shoulder, prying her hands down. "I have Black Rose truffles from Kee's. Talk to me."

She laughed weakly, closing her eyes. "He walked in late. I told Daddy it was like seeing a ghost. Just walked in and down to the very front. I don't think he looked anywhere other than me. We get the technicalities out of the way, but he waits for me outside the classroom. I leave him outside my office, and we both end up nearly simultaneously calling Daddy. I try to focus, do my work and bump into Lori on the way out - " _Lori. Damn it, I wonder if she knew..._Rachel shook herself. "And then go to Union Square, hoping to clear my head in the Greenmarket, maybe meet Mark for lunch. I'm at my favorite stand, looking through the quiche and Noah's holding my hand."

Dan's eyes widened. "Truffle?"

_To tell the rest of this? _Rachel looked up at him, brow furrowed. "Yes."

* * *

"I - I wasn't trying to find her, but we bumped into each other at Union Square. She tried to tell me she had a boyfriend." He gave a half-smile. _Poor Rach…_

"A _what?"_ Will shook his head. "I know I shouldn't have said that but..."

_Okay, now I know for _sure_ they're not serious. _Noah exhaled roughly. "No, I know, and she lived to regret it when - what's his name? Mark? - he found us at the stand in the Greenmarket, and the first thing he says when I introduce myself as an old friend -"

"Rachel must have loved that," Will interjected with a smirk.

Noah rolled his eyes. _Like a hole in the head. _"Oh, absolutely."

* * *

Dan kissed her hair, reaching over to snag the chocolates from the table. "Continue." He opened the box to let her take one. "Noah's holding your hand."

She looked at her right hand, sighing slightly and taking a bite of the truffle. _And I can still feel it..._"And when my phone conveniently rings, instead of feigning an emergency? I proceed to lose my grasp on my sanity, and tell Noah that my boyfriend is meeting me for lunch."

"Oh, no..." Dan squeezed her tighter.

* * *

"So Mark decides to ask me if I can shed any light on why Rach won't do more than date him." Noah rubbed his hands over his face. _And I didn't answer because she's in love with me even if she says she doesn't. Does that get me points?_

Will smacked himself in the forehead. "I should have told Dan to pick up liquor."

* * *

"So Mark was right there and got mad?" Dan leaned his head on hers.

"No, no." Rachel took another bite of the truffle, frowning deeper. _That would almost be easier. _ "He found us, Noah introduced himself as an old friend, and Mark decided to ask if Noah could explain why I would only date him and not be boyfriend and girlfriend."

* * *

"Yeah, probably." Noah shrugged. _I could bring her a bottle..._"I'm sure she didn't like my response."

"Let me guess." Will flipped his signal on, turning on to Wooster. "Some variation of 'I'm in'?

_You know me too well. _Noah laughed. "Yeah, pretty much. I told him he was on his own to figure that out and smirked my way out of there."

"Oh, Noah…" Will rolled his eyes. "Not helping your cause there, son. You do realize that, I hope?"

* * *

"Oh, Rachel." Dan chuckled, shaking his head. "Honey, sometimes I wonder if your life isn't a soap opera, or a telenovela." He exaggerated the pronunciation, wagging a brow at her until she giggled. "Better?"

Rachel took a deep breath. "I suppose. It's just...Dad, he was _insufferably _smug. To add insult to injury, after Noah left, Mark essentially told me this relationship didn't have much time left." _Time...damn it, that clock..._She popped the rest of the chocolate into her mouth, closing her eyes again.

* * *

"I know, Will, but I just couldn't help it. I really couldn't." _I didn't want to try._ "She's -" Noah ran a hand over his scalp. "I kept running into her. It's like the Good Lord is on my side, putting us on the path to each other."

"To _you,_ Noah, but to _her,_ it's probably like she's being mocked. I can only imagine what she's thinking." Will parked and headed for the elevator, waving at Michael as he passed.

* * *

"I don't know that you could say insult, sweetheart." Dan kissed the top of Rachel's head. "I love you dearly, but you know as well as I do that Mark was fun. You were only dating for what, two weeks? Three?"

"Three." She looked up at him. _You should remember. _"I ran into him at the Bryant Park movie night I went to."

"Three." Dan raised a brow. "Are you that upset at the thought of not seeing him anymore?"

* * *

"I know. I'm - I'm not sorry, though, Will. I'm sorry if that's bad but I'm not sorry." _I can't be._ "I am going to try to get one date out of her. Just one. That's all I want. One opportunity to do it right. Don't tell her that." He smacked himself in the forehead. _Focus, Puckerman._ "I'm going to do that myself. But that's as high as I'm aiming right now. Whatever she might be thinking, that you can reassure her of. I'm not trying to break them up, but if they're dating, I can date her too."

Will shook his head as the elevator reached the 7th floor. "That's actually pretty reasonable of you, Noah. You're going to have to take care of one thing first, though. Listen, I'm about to walk in the door, you want to give me a call tomorrow after class?"

"Sure." _Especially since I need to know what I have to do. _He ran a hand over his scalp._ "_I, uh...I'm writing another song for her. Just seeing her again inspired me. I wanted her to know."

Will rolled his eyes. "If I think it'll help, I'll mention it. I'll speak to you tomorrow, Noah."

"Thanks for calling me back, Will. I could've waited till tomorrow." _Even though it would've not so slowly driven me insane. _He stood to pace to the window.

"I was hoping to hear how everything was going. We got slightly sidetracked." He grabbed the phone. "At the door. Have a good night." He clicked it shut and traded it for his keys.

* * *

Dan looked over at the front door, knob turning to reveal Will. He smiled. "Daddy has pizza. We went a little out of order."

Will set the box on the table and sat next to Rachel. "I wanted you to have something when you got home, baby girl. From the phone call I just had, I take it that was a sound instinct."

_Phone call. Of course. _Rachel turned to her father. "Noah?"

He nodded, kissing her forehead. "He says it's the Good Lord you need to talk to, not him."

"Are you -" Rachel rolled her eyes, turning back to Dan. _Seriously, Noah?_ "When he saw me in the hall, he was saying that the fact that we both tried to avoid each other, yet ended up in the same place, must mean something."

"It means you should read your mail more carefully, is what it means." Dan grinned at Will. "Sorry, sweetheart, couldn't help myself."

Rachel groaned. "You're both supposed to be making me feel better." She wriggled out from between them. "I'm getting plates." _And checking something._

"Hello darling." Dan slid across the couch to kiss Will. "How's Noah?"

Rachel glanced behind to see her fathers snuggling. _Good, that will give me a minute_. She made her way quietly down the hall into her room and shut the door silently behind her.

"Surprisingly realistic." Will shook his head, tucking Dan into his body. "All he wants is one date."

"Maybe that's all he's _saying_ he wants." Dan snuggled into Will's chest with a smile. "But I'm sure for him that's just the start."

* * *

Rachel took a deep breath, pulling the boxes from under her bed. _Not like I even need to check..._She lifted the lid and groaned.

The clock flashed 000000.

_Time's up, Rachel. He's here. Now it's a whole new mishegos._ She closed the lid, nudging the boxes away with her foot. _Damn it._ She grabbed her phone, texting Lori. **Feeling like wine and musicals, call you tomorrow. **Slipping it back in her pocket, she shook her head. _He actually measured the time..._

* * *

"Well, of course, but the fact that he's taking it one step at a time is progress. Though there's one step he should take before - " He looked over and smiled at Rachel, entering with the plates. "Well, when's the next time you have class, honey?"

_Too soon. _She grabbed a slice from the Lombardi's box and bit into it with a sigh. "Wednesday."

"So, you'll survive." He snagged a piece for himself, adding fresh garlic. "Let's talk about Mark."

_How many more painful topics must we cover tonight? _She shook her head. "Let's not." She rolled her eyes at Dan before meeting Will's eyes. "From the conversation he and I had over lunch, it seems there won't be any reason to, very soon."

* * *

Noah looked at the phone and grinned, grabbing the guitar again. _Let's work on the lyrics then...Something to show you we belong together._

He strummed the chords, hearing staccato piano in his head as he closed his eyes. "I tried to tell you a story...the words won't come out right..." _Yeah, no shit__..._

* * *

"Well, honey, you knew that was going to happen someday. What's the harm in it happening sooner rather than later?" Will took a bite and looked to Rachel.

_I'm so utterly out of time..._She sighed. "Because I'm going to look available."

"Honey, he knows you're only dating. You don't think you look available to him?" Will chuckled. "I thought you knew him better than that."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, even _more _available, all right?" _I _do _know him better..._"Open season, shall we say."

"Sweetheart," Dan started slowly, meeting her gaze. "You're his TA. You _can't _be open season!" Dan turned to Will. "Am I right?"

Will nodded. "You're right. And that's the question, Rachel. You can either see him in class three days a week, or deal with him actively pursuing you." He looked her up and down. "I'll get you a glass of wine."

Rachel groaned, pounding her head backwards against the couch. _I think I need the bottle..._

* * *

_Fuck, this isn't working. _He tossed the pencil down, setting the guitar aside. "Not happening," he muttered. _Back away. You know you want a piano. Get some perspective. _He grinned. _Just wait till you see her tomorrow._

* * *

Rachel fumbled for her phone as it beeped in the darkness. _Who could that be? _She hit the display to find a message from Lori. **Found one for you anyway. **_Found one for – oh! _Rachel blinked slowly, sitting up and downloading the attachment. A woman's voice sang, other female voices harmonizing.

_"This is the way you left me_

_I'm not pretending_

_No hope, no love, no glory_

_No happy ending..."_

_Oh, Lor. _Rachel closed her eyes. _This is perfect._ She let the music lull her back to sleep.

* * *

_**Tuesday afternoon**_

Noah smoothed his shirt, taking a deep breath as he opened the classroom door. _Let's see if my hunch was right._ He looked to the front and sighed. _And it's not. _He took a seat in the back as the TA-who-wasn't-Rachel started the lab.

* * *

Rachel settled her sunglasses on her face as she entered the school. _He's in lab. I'll avoid that area, and him. _She frowned quickly as her call went to voicemail again. "Hi Mark, it's Rachel. I was just checking if we were still on for Bryant Park tonight. I'm heading into class until 7, so just text me." _Or don't, and I'll just assume we're already over._

_Or I can just assume that now._

Her phone was silent for the duration of the class.

* * *

Noah left the building, scratching his head. _I just write music, I don't plot it out like that. Intervals, minor, major. _He grinned, slipping his cell from his pocket and dialing. _Maybe Rach can tutor me._

Will pulled his glasses off, rubbing his eyes and reaching for the phone. "Hello, Noah."

"Hi, Will." Noah dropped on to a bench across the street. _Let's get this done. What do I have to do?_ "How are you? How's Rach?"

"I'm fine, as is she. She's just slightly out of sorts, but I have faith it'll pass." He shook his head. "We keep having the same conversation, son."

Noah chuckled. "I've noticed the same thing. I'll try not to need it again." _If I get my way, never. "_So, you were going to tell me what I needed to do?"

"Why don't you tell me about how things are going with you? I did want to hear about that."

He ran a hand over his head. _Okay..._"Uh...what would you like to know?"

"Tell me about the apartment. Did I miss your mother?"

"No, Ma didn't help me move in. I packed up the truck and drove myself." He shrugged. _Couldn't wait. _"She's actually going to be in town for Labor Day - she wanted to know if you were free, and I have to ask Rachel to see Sarah. Apparently Sarah misses her."

Will laughed. "Of course she does. Our girl makes an impression."

Noah rolled his eyes. "Tell me about it. If I'd even just listened to Sarah, I never would've screwed things up." _If I'd been honest with myself, that would've helped too. _He shook himself. "She's been pissed at me for going from Rachel to Quinn since it happened. I couldn't figure out why she was being so mean to Quinn until after we broke up."

"Never underestimate the power of Rachel, Noah. Never."

_You're telling me? "_Believe me, Will. I know." He closed his eyes, sighing. "I should've appreciated her more. I'm hoping I get a chance to convince her of that myself."

"You're going to be very careful with that, you realize."

_Why does everyone keep warning me? _Noah frowned quickly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you have to realize that having Rachel as your TA gives her a completely legitimate reason to deny your advances."

_Well, shit, I didn't even think about that. _He ran a hand over his head. "I'll switch my class then, there has to be another section."

"Hopefully it fits. And even then -" Will cut himself off.

"Even then what?" His brow furrowed. _What am I missing? _"Will?"

"Sorry, Noah. Nothing important." Will pressed his lips together, picking up the picture of Rachel on his desk. "If it's important you'll figure it out, I'm sure."

Noah looked skeptically at the phone. _I _hope_ so_..."So I guess I'll have to check the catalog again for a Musical Theory class. I can do that." He dragged a hand down his face. "Are you _sure_ there isn't anything else I should know?"

He shook his head, murmuring to the picture. "I won't make it too easy, baby girl." He raised his voice to reply. "No, Noah, we're fine. So where is this apartment?"

"I, uh...I'm in the off-campus housing on Bleeker and Mercer." He looked in the direction of his building. _As close as I could get._

"On the way to school from here. Devious, Mr. Puckerman. Very devious." Will shook his head. "If Rachel comes straight home, you just have to sit on the stoop and wait for her."

"I mean, I don't intend to get all stalkery like that, but if it happens, I'm not gonna be sorry." _And if Mom and Sarah and I hang outside while they're here, or on campus, you can't really blame me..._Noah looked up and down the street. _Who am I gonna see today?_

"I wouldn't expect you to be." Will shook his head again. "Look, I'm going to let you both run with this from now on. You're here in New York, so all of her arguments about you being too far are gone. I'm going to trust that you're not going to push her too far, Noah, but if you do, you'll be hearing about it."

"I hope so, actually." Noah ran a hand over his head and stood, stretching in the sunshine. "I don't want to hurt her, Will, I just want to open her eyes a little." _And maybe her heart if I'm really lucky. "_I just want a chance. I'll change classes to get it, but that's all I'm looking for." I'm just really fucking hoping for the rest.

"Well, if you can get her to talk to you, go for it. Don't harass her, and we should be fine." He glared at the phone. "And you know I'll hear about it."

"I know!" Noah held his hands up, grinning. _I kinda love that._ "I wouldn't doubt it. She'd tell you just to be sure I heard about it."

Will chuckled. "Damn right. That's my girl."

"I know." He swallowed and licked his lips. "I'm lucky she lets me share." _I really am._

"You are. But it shows she still cares about you, and she still sees your potential." Will blew out a breath. "You know, Noah, if it doesn't work out between you, it's not because you're not a good person, all right?"

Noah frowned. _It's - what? "_I - Will, I know that. I don't want Rachel for what she represents. I want her because I want _her." _He walked towards the dining hall. _I think I want Chik-fil-A for dinner..._

"Just checking, son. That's what I wanted to hear." He set the picture back down on the desk. "Just see if you can get her to talk to you and go from there."

Nodding, he pushed open the doors. "That's pretty much the plan." _I just have to figure out how. _

* * *

Rachel checked her phone throughout the movie, smiling weakly as Julia Roberts' famous laugh echoed. _I suppose that's that then. _She bit her lip, folding back the other half of the blanket to give the group of teenagers next to her more room.

* * *

_**Wednesday**_

Rachel groaned, slapping at the alarm. _No. Not going._

"Rachel? Honey, come on." Will knocked on her door. "I've never heard your snooze go on this long. It's going to be fine."

She blew out a breath, tossing the covers aside. _I'm glad one of us thinks so..._Throwing on her robe, she opened her door. "Do you promise?"

"Baby girl..." Will wrapped his arms around her, kissing her head. "It will be fine, or I will personally take care of it. Just remember, you have the perfect excuse to keep him as distant as you want him."

"Until he realizes and transfers sections," she muttered into his chest. _And then all bets are off…_

Rubbing circles on her back, he nodded. "Right. But if he transfers sections, when will you ever have to see him? Workshops? Around campus?"

She pulled back in his arms. "You're a genius. He'll transfer and our schedules get less convenient. Add my own superb acting skills and strategy..." _And I might just survive this until he moves on..._She beamed and nodded. "All right, I'll take this as win-win and go with it."

"Sounds good. Now get your day started, hmm? What time is class?"

_What time is class or what time does my day start? _She rolled her eyes. "11:30 to 12:50. I have to meet with the professor at 9 though, before she starts her other class."

"I'll fix you a smoothie then." He kissed the top of her head and dropped his arms.

"Thanks, Daddy...for everything." Rachel kissed his cheek and headed for the bathroom. _It's all going to work out. It has to._

* * *

Noah slapped at his alarm clock, grinning. _All right, Rach. I'm coming for you._ He glanced out the window, sun shining behind the blinds. _Can't wait to get this day started..._He showered quickly, throwing on jeans and flipping through shirts. _Would that be evil or strategy? _He threw the shirt on, smirking. _All's fair in love and war..._

* * *

Rachel knocked on the office door, taking a deep breath. _Showtime_.

"Come in..."

Rachel walked in, smiling. "Good morning, Professor Greene." _Even if it's entirely too early for me..._

"Rachel!" Professor Beverly Greene ran a hand through her red hair, taking her glasses off. "Glad you could make it, sorry it's so early." She gestured her into the seat across the desk. "Sit, have a syllabus."

Rachel took the packet from her and sat. "I'm extremely excited to be working with you, Professor, and I think this syllabus makes me even _more_ excited to do so." _It's an unconventional take on musical theory._

Beverly grinned. "Well, I'm excited to have _you_ - I wanted a TA who could actually play and perform. I want to make this class accessible, you know?"

Nodding, Rachel flipped the pages. "Which is exactly why I'm looking forward to it. My music theory class was informative, but not innovative. I love your approach." _There's actual performance to it._

"Great! So, any thoughts on a good song for major and minor keys?"

_Out of the thousands of songs I know? You'll have to narrow that down. _Rachel raised a brow. "In what way?"

"How major or minor chords an progressions set the tone for a piece of music. I usually do Happy Birthday in a major and minor key, but if you have any ideas..."

She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I think I may just…" _Thank you, Lori..._

* * *

Rachel smiled as the door opened, heart pounding. _Relax, Rachel. Even if it is Noah, brisk and professional. _

Professor Greene laid a hand on her shoulder. "Rachel, are you all right?"

Rachel nodded. "I'm fine, thank you. I'm just a little nervous." She bit back a groan. _And that isn't something you should tell your supervisor..._

"No need to be! You're not presenting anything today. And I don't think we'll have many unruly students for you to corral." She smiled at Rachel. "Relax."

_You don't know what I know. I can think of _one_ potentially unruly student..._"Yes, ma'am." She saluted smartly. _But I do believe by the end of class I may have taken care of him._

The professor squeezed her shoulder and moved to the front to set up the smart board.

Noah blew out a breath and opened the door. _Play it cool, Puckerman._ He caught sight of Rachel and smiled. _Is that an open seat I spy?_ He skimmed down the lecture hall stairs to drop into the seat next to her. "Hi, Rach."

She bit back a groan. _This is what happens when I let my guard down._ "Hello, Noah." She took out a highlighter, examining the syllabus intently.

"Aren't you going to ask how everything's going?" He leaned over to peer at the syllabus. "So what do I need to know?" _For now, anyway. _

Rachel frowned quickly. _You need to know when to stop. _"The professor will be going over everything."

He raised a brow. "Do all the sections of Musical Theory meet at the same time and use the same stuff?" _This is all the warning you'll get that I'm gunning for you, Rach..._

_Ha, tell me he's changing sections._ She fought to keep her face neutral. "I believe the other one meets Tuesdays and Thursdays. The core of the syllabus is the same, it's just the timing of it."

_The hell? She looks like she's about to smile. _He frowned quickly, shrugging. _Whatever. _"Cool, thanks. How's class going for you? I was hoping you were gonna be running the lab for this, but I guess not."

"My schedule is quite rigorous, and the lab is not part of it. Allen is very knowledgeable." She turned her attention to her notes. _And very much not me._

"But not nearly as gorgeous as you." He smirked suggestively. _No one is._

"Not appropriate." She turned to look at him. _Damn it, Noah..._She arched a brow. "You _do_ realize that, Noah." _Tell me you didn't wear my favorite shirt on purpose._

_Yeah, thanks to your dad. _"Only if I'm flirting. I'm just stating a universal truth." He met her gaze steadily. _That's _my_ truth._

Rachel flushed, frowning. "You expect me to believe that's not flirting." _And that the fact I clearly remember slipping my arm through yours when I look at that shirt wasn't a deliberate choice. _

"I expect you to believe that to me, it's the truth." _It always will be. _He held her eyes. "Sarah says hi, by the way."

Rachel sighed, shaking her head. _Oh...that's just wrong..._"Tell her hello from me."

"Want to tell her yourself? She's going to be in town over Labor Day, she'd love to see you."

_Damn it, that's not fair..._"Noah -" _  
_  
"All right, everyone, hi, let's settle in. I'm Professor Greene, and I'm very sorry I missed you all on Monday!" The professor clapped her hands for their attention, starting the lesson.

_Oh, thank goodness._ Rachel turned to the front. _Saved by the bell._

"I still want an answer," he whispered as the professor moved to the far side of the lecture hall. "After class." _That way I can keep you._

"You'll have to catch me," she hissed. _Give it a rest already! _"Good luck with that."

_Oh, fuck._ He looked at her, frowning. _Catch you. Your fucking schedule._ He shook his head, turning to the professor. _Bet your ass you _want_ me to change sections, so you'll never have to see me._ He blew out a breath, copying down the intervals on the white board. _Well, shit. Recalculating._

Rachel stood to take the papers from Professor Greene's outstretched hands, passing them out across the front row. _Just a matter of time before Noah is out of my hair. Maybe once he's out of the class, I'll go to lunch. Or Pinkberry. Short and sweet, quite literally._

Noah drummed his fingers on the desk. _That's got to be what's got that edge of smug on her. She knows if I switch out, our schedules will be out of sync. I won't just bump into her, I won't be able to._ He looked into her face as she handed him the syllabus. _Damn it, Rach, just give me a chance..._

_"_So, since I wasn't here Monday, you didn't get the proper introduction to this class. Yes, this is Music Theory 101, but it's just for Composition Majors. I'm going to approach it that way. Yes, we'll learn the intervals, the theories, the key changes and all of that. But we're going to do it by listening to your original pieces. Get ready to get a workout, boys and girls. We're going to write some music." She clicked through the Power Point to the schedule of classes. "If you look at the calendar here, each week we'll focus on something different..."

He looked up at the screen, skimming the listings. _That's it. _He looked down at his syllabus. _Add/drop deadline. That's it. Two weeks. Two weeks, three times a week, and then potentially after. _He glanced at Rachel. _And one date. Just one._

Rachel slid back into the seat, shifting uncomfortably. _Why is he looking at me like that?_ She smoothed her hair, ignoring him. _I don't trust it. _

"For example, this week, I'd like to play with how major and minor chords can change the entire feel of a song._" _She crossed to the piano. "And I'd like to introduce you to your TA for the semester, Rachel Berry." She gestured Rachel forward. "Rachel is a music theatre and business double major, graduated early from Juilliard, and helped establish the Dalton School. We're lucky she carved out time in her schedule for this class, her office hours are on the syllabus. Now, Rachel and I are going to give a little demo of what we mean."

Setting her fingers lightly to the keys, Professor Greene started to play. "You can take a really happy song, and drown it in a minor key." She played a progression of minor chords. "Recognize this one?" She chuckled at the looks on the students' faces. "Guessing not. Rachel?"

_"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."_

The professor smiled and nodded at the looks of comprehension. "See why musical theory is important? Now, this one is a song Rachel introduced me to today, but I think it's a great example of how major and minor chords and keys can color your perceptions of a song. You can have the saddest lyrics, yet if the score is in a major key, you want to believe it'll all turn out happily ever after." She looked to Rachel. "Ready?"

Rachel nodded, taking a deep breath. _I've been ready for this moment since I left Lima._

Noah smiled. _I love hearing you sing, Rach...I really do..._

Professor Greene played the opening and Rachel let the piano wash over her, licking her lips before she sang.**  
**

"_This is the way you left me,_

_I'm not pretending._

_No hope, no love, no glory,_

_No happy ending._

_This is the way that we love,_

_Like it's forever._

_Then live the rest of our life,_

_But not together."_

Noah shifted in his seat. _Except when I listen to the words._ He rubbed a hand over his mouth.

"_Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life_

_Can't get no love without sacrifice_

_If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well -_

_A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell..."_

Rachel caught his fidgeting out of the corner of her eye. _Good, damn it. I hope you finally understand._

"_This is the hardest story that I've ever told_

_No hope, or love, or glory_

_Happy endings gone forever more_

_I feel as if I'm wastin'_

_And I'm wastin' everyday..."_

She let her gaze meet his, her eyes flashing.

"_This is the way you left me,_

_I'm not pretending._

_No hope, no love, no glory,_

_No happy ending._

_This is the way that we love,_

_Like it's forever._

_Then live the rest of our life,_

_But not together..."_

Noah swallowed hard. _Fuck, Rach..._

"_2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind_

_Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around_

_If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep_

_I can think that we just carried on..._

_This is the hardest story that I've ever told_

_No hope, or love, or glory_

_Happy endings gone forever more_

_I feel as if I'm wastin'_

_And I'm wastin' everyday_

_This is the way you left me,_

_I'm not pretending._

_No hope, no love, no glory,_

_No happy ending._

_This is the way that we love,_

_Like it's forever._

_Then live the rest of our life,_

_But not together..."_

Rachel let her voice fade as the piano dropped away, breaking her gaze from his as the class applauded. _You want an answer, Noah? There's your answer._

Noah clapped, taking a deep breath. _Damn it, Rach...it's still that raw? _

Professor Greene stood, grinning. "So, what does everyone think? Are we looking at a happy ending or sad one?"

Noah raised his hand, glancing at Rachel quickly. "I say happy." _I have to. "_The lyrics don't rule it out, it just is the story of someone fu- screwing up, but even then it says you love like it's forever. Doesn't mean it can't be fixed."

She nodded. "I like that assessment. Anyone else?" She looked around at the silent throng. "Come on, guys, no one?"

Rachel raised a brow. "Or you could take the lyrics on their face, and realize that the song is about a missed opportunity, that they'll always be almost but not quite. Live the rest of our lives, but not together."

Professor Greene nodded. "That too. I suppose it's all subjective, isn't it?"

Rachel nodded. _As a song? Surely. But in my life? I'm going with literal._ She took her seat.

Noah glanced at her. "I hear you, Rach. That's why I'm here for a fresh start between us," he said quietly.

She shot him a hard look. "Good luck with that." _Especially changing sections._

He opened his mouth to continue, closing it when Rachel turned away. _Not the time, Puckerman. _

"So let's talk about your assignment for Friday. I want you to try your hand at writing a piece using major and minor to set the mood. Whoever thinks they've got it, we'll have a mini-recital."

_Well shit. Have the chance to sing to her or have the chance to ask her out?_ Noah blew out a breath and looked down at the syllabus. _Decisions, decisions..._

Rachel frowned at him surreptitiously. _I don't trust that look. But I trust myself and I trust my heart to know what's right. _She bit back a snort.

This _time around, anyway..._

* * *

**A.N.**: I love this story, so, so much. Coming up? The Puckermans take Manhattan, and Noah's decision. More music, more fun!

Edited 1/27/11 A.N. 2: I understand that there is some displeasure with them dancing around each other again, but keep in mind that this is the first time the two of them have been in the same state, let alone city! And Rachel doesn't have the benefit of knowing, as we do, how much Noah has worked to be a better person. Fear not! He aims to prove it to her.

Thanks for sticking with me, y'all. I love you more than you know.


	15. Hold My Heart

**A.N.: **I can't even tell you how sorry I am that this took so long. The past months have not been kind to me in real life, and this has lingered as a result. I'm hoping for no more surprises (really, check my LJ, it's been...bad) and to keep writing this. We're in the home stretch now, though there is still work to be done. I can only offer my apologies and a sincere wish that you enjoy this as much as I do. Thanks for sticking with me...

_Suggested listening: Hold My Heart, Sara Bareilles; My Same, Adele; Fucking Perfect, Pink; Willing and Wonderful, Mark Salling; Insecurity, Scars on 45; Breathe No More, Evanescence; Throwing it All Away, Genesis_

**Chapter 14: Hold My Heart**

_**Wednesday night**_

Rachel exhaled roughly, sinking deeper into the bubble bath. _This must be what a dodgeball feels like. My bones ache. _She closed her eyes and sank under the bubbles for a moment, sitting up with a laugh._ That's better._

_**"Ohhhhhhh sweet Caroline..."**_

Her cell buzzed and danced across the counter.

She eyed it with a frown. _I'm not answering. That's what, the fifth call since class ended? _She watched until the ringing stopped and picked up her glass of wine.

* * *

"Ma, I'm trying!" Noah ran a hand over his head. _You think you want this more than I do?_ "I've been calling all day. I know she was in class for some of them, so I tried again. She's not answering, what do you want me to do?" _Maybe not the best question to ask..._

Ilana rolled her eyes. "Keep trying, Sarah's really looking forward to it. Honestly, Noah, you couldn't give it a rest? Your poor sister..."

"Hey!" _What the fuck?_ Noah frowned at the phone. "What about no harm in letting her know I'm interested?" _You were _encouraging _me to push!_

Ilana pursed her lips. "Well, now poor Sarah is suffering for your idiocy."

_Which is totally not like Rachel._ "She's only suffering because I'm insisting on being included. I bet if I wasn't along she'd show Sarah around a little." He sank onto the couch. _Fucking sucks._

"So then _don't _come along, Noah. Trust us to handle it."

He raised a brow. "Handle - Ma, what are you _handling _exactly?" _It's already an uphill battle with her. _

"Why, Rachel. And getting through to her." Ilana shrugged. "She won't let her guard down for you. Maybe she would for us?"

Noah snickered. "Ma, I think she'd know better than to let her guard down around you guys." _Especially you._

Ilana grumbled. "Not my fault. You bring out the meddling matchmaker in me."

"And I'm sure she's suspicious of that, Ma. I think the only way she'd even think about letting her guard down is with Sarah alone." _Oh shit. Maybe I shouldn't have said that..._

Ilana grinned. "That might just work..."

* * *

Rachel set the empty wineglass on the counter and picked up the phone, eyeing it warily. _What do you want, Noah..._Raising a brow, she tied her robe. _No message? I suppose you're learning._ She stared down at it for a moment before blowing out the candles.

* * *

"Ma, she's not answering my phone calls and she's dodging me in class. What are you gonna do, drop Sarah off at her building?" _Oh, again, Puckerman? She totally -_

"Actually..."

- _would_. "Ma! No. You're not doing that to Sarah or Rachel. Rach would panic, the national guard would be deployed before you could dial her cell." He shook his head. _It might be funny, but she'd be mortified and really fucking pissed._

"She's a good girl, that Rachel." Ilana smiled, nodding. "We'll figure it out. When's class again?"

"On Friday, you're already - wait a sec." Noah grabbed his notebook, pulling the syllabus from the back. Thursday. _Well, I'll be damned._ "I, uh...I think I can catch her, Ma, but what do you want me to say?"

* * *

Rachel padded out to the living room in her pajamas, rolling her shoulders. _A cup of tea, and bed._

Dan looked up from the couch. "You all right, sweetheart? I didn't even get to say hello when you went past."

She winced. _Went right by in a temper._ She sighed, curling up on the couch and laying her head on his shoulder. "Sorry, Dad. I'm a little - "

"Distracted. Class tonight. I figured as much. Want to talk about it?" He pulled back slightly to peer at her.

_Do I ever want to talk about it?_ She shook her head, burying her face in his shirt. "Even when I think I've figured out a way to outsmart him and get my point across, he manages to get _his _point right back."

"Even in class?" Dan hid his smile as he kissed her head.

_Especially then, it seems_...She nodded. "Song analysis. Would you believe that? Noah Puckerman, analyzing song lyrics. With great insight. He's tricky, I can't forget that."

* * *

Ilana tapped her chin. "Say that I wanted to have dinner with William, Daniel and you, and that Sarah misses her terribly. All true. And ask if she'd be willing to just have Sarah over, they don't even have to go out."

_Devious_. He nodded slowly. "I'll do that, but are you actually going to call Will or Dan first?"

Ilana rolled her eyes. "Of course, Noah. What, you want a conference call now? You could always go by the apartment to ask..."

"Ma. No." He shook his head. _Don't tempt me. _"You have their numbers?"

"I have cell phone numbers for them both. Have they changed?" She pulled the phone tree from the refrigerator.

"Doubt it. Will's is still an Ohio area code." _Or I could give it to you, actually. And then I'd have nothing to do with this. _He turned the speaker on his phone, scrolling through numbers. "It's -"

"Good. I'll call them now. You tell me how it goes with Rachel Friday." Ilana smoothed her hair and sat at the kitchen table.

_Ha, that's her business voice. _He smirked. "Yeah, Ma. I will. Call me before you guys get on the plane."

"Of course, sweetheart. Or wait - I'll text! You'll be in class, won't you?" She shook her head. "Text. I'll text. You can always call tomorrow to check in, though."

Noah chuckled. "Miss you guys too, Ma." _More than I thought I would. _"It's weird being on my own out here."

"Well, maybe it won't be so on your own for long, hmm? That's the goal."

He nodded. "That _is _the goal. The _timing _is the only question." _And I know, Ma, yesterday would be ideal for you._

Ilana smiled. "Well, we'll aim to speed it up. You take care of yourself, all right?"

"Will do, Ma. Talk to you tomorrow." _I love you. _He picked up the picture of him, his mom and Sarah on the side table. "Good night."

"Good night, Noah." Ilana hung up and scrolled through her contacts. "William or Daniel..."

* * *

Dan squeezed Rachel closer. "Sweetheart, we've been telling you. He's not who you think anymore."

Rachel huffed. _If I had a nickel - no, a _penny - _for every time those words have passed someone's lips..._ "Everyone keeps saying that. I know you wouldn't tell me that without a reason, but -"

"But you don't want to see it." He grinned at her frown. "Rach, honey. We actually talk to him pretty regularly. You run from the phone like it has the plague." On cue, Dan's phone buzzed merrily across the side table.

"I think it heard you," Rachel deadpanned. _And not a moment too soon, actually._

Dan looked down at the display, frowning. "Pumpkin, let me take this, will you?"

_Or continue talking about Noah? _Rachel leaned up. "Of course. Are you on call?"

He nodded. "I am. Be right back." Dan stepped into the kitchen, pouring a large glass of water. "Hello?"

_"Daniel? It's Ilana Puckerman."_

"Ilana! What a surprise!" Dan paused to bring the glass to Rachel and retreated to the home office. "How are you?"

_"I'm well, Daniel, thank you for asking. And William?"_

"He's well, he's doing notes in the office." He sank into the seat across from his husband, mouthing 'Ilana'. Dan pointed at the phone. "I hear Sarah is as much a hellion as always."

_"That she is...but she's a bright one. We're actually going to visit Noah as a treat for her."_

Will frowned, beckoning Dan closer.

Dan dropped into Will's lap, the phone between their ears. "Oh, that sounds lovely! I'm sure she'll love it. When will you be in town?"

* * *

Rachel took a long drink of water, sighing as she looked down the hall. _I should just make my tea. _She glanced towards the office again and stood, heading into the kitchen.

* * *

_"Actually, we're going to be there this weekend, for Labor Day. That's why I'm calling - I wanted to know if you and William and Rachel would be free for dinner."_

"I - I somehow don't think Rachel would be up for it." Dan rolled his eyes. "I'm guessing you want to include Noah." He nodded as Ilana sighed.

_"I would, but I know Rachel's having none of Noah right now. I did have an alternate proposal, but Rachel would have to do us all a favor."_

"What's that?" Dan raised a brow at his husband. "Should I prepare a bribe?"

* * *

Rachel set the kettle on the stove, frowning as she looked out the archway. _If Dad needs to go, he'd be gone by now. What is that call about?_

* * *

_"Actually..."_

Chuckling, Dan kissed his husband's cheek. "Ilana, are you pulling a Yenta?"

_"Well, I -"_

"I like it." Dan grinned up at Will. "What do you need?"

* * *

Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, staring down at the syllabus. _I'm gonna need something good. _He grabbed the folder from the couch and started flipping through sheet music.

_What do I want to say? If I even get to sing?_ He shook his head. "I wanna say everything." He went to the back of the file and started forward, skimming notes and lyrics. "Oh. This'll be good."

* * *

_This had better be good. _Rachel put her tea cup in the drain board. _I'm a mess and now both of them are gone?_ Shaking her head, she walked down the hall. "Goodnight, Dad, goodnight, Daddy," she called, closing the bedroom door behind her.

"Whoops." Will raised a brow. "Too much strategizing, she went to bed." The other brow raised as Ilana chuckled.

_"No, that's perfect. I told Noah to ask her."_

Dan eyed Will. "We should probably cancel any plans we have tomorrow night. You wanted Friday, Ilana?"

_"Well, it's Friday or Sunday, right? Noah seems to think Rachel -"_

Nodding, Dan interjected. "- works Saturday night, you're right. _He's _right."

_"Of course he is. Daniel, I - could I be on speaker? I'd like to speak to William as well."_

Dan shrugged and put the call on speaker. "You're in the office with us now."

_"I just - I wanted to thank you both for being so wonderful to my son. Even and especially when I wasn't. Noah has become an outstanding young man, and I harbor no illusions that was my doing. So thank you."_

Will chuckled. "You don't need to thank us, Ilana. Thank Rachel. She's the one who recognized the potential in him. We just nurtured it. Rachel's the one who saw through it all."

* * *

Rachel sighed, sliding into bed. _Just sleep. Rest. Don't think about anything. _She turned towards the window. _There's nothing to do tonight. Or at all. You can't do anything even if you wanted to. He screwed up, and you moved on._

_**"...It just is the story of someone fu- screwing up, but even then it says you love like it's forever. Doesn't mean it can't be fixed."**_

She groaned, turning to bury her face in the pillow. _Damn it, why do I care? _She bit her lip, pressing a hand to the mattress. _If he's going to be in class..._She flipped on the light, sitting up. I _- If I listen, I'll at least be prepared..._She slipped from the bed, grabbing the boxes from under it.

* * *

_"So, Noah will ask Rachel, we'll go to dinner, Sarah will get her 'Rachel' time. I can't believe how much she's missed her."_

"I told Noah, she makes an impression," Will offered, smiling.

* * *

Rachel sat on the floor, staring at the boxes. _What am I doing?_ What _am I _doing? She glanced behind her at the door. _Should I try to - do I want to do this with someone? _She left her room, crossing to the office and knocking.

"Dad? Daddy?"

Dan hit the speaker button, silencing whatever Ilana might have said. "Yes, honey?"

_Ask before you change your mind. _Rachel opened the door, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I - can I talk to you two?"

Will nodded. "Of course, baby girl." He crossed the room to her, leading her out.

"Ilana, I need to go," Dan said quietly, glancing out the door. "We'll see you this weekend, though?"

_"You will. I hope everything is all right with Rachel."_

"Me too. Give us a call, we'll get the details together." Dan hung up and joined his family in the bedroom. "What's going on, sweetheart?"

Rachel blew out a breath, swallowing hard. "I think I..." She licked her lips. "I think I'm ready to look at all -" She gestured around to the boxes. "At all this." _I think I _need _to, for my own sanity..._

Will grabbed Dan's hand, squeezing. "That sounds good, Rachel. What can we do to help?"

_Tell me it's a horrid idea? _She met his eyes. "Listen to a song with me? Maybe the one he sent you? I have no idea where to start, so I'm thinking chronologically."

Will nodded slowly, holding his other hand out to her. "Come on, I still have the email."

* * *

_**"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint..."**_

Noah laughed as his phone sang. _Still love that ringtone. _"Hey Q."

_"Hey yourself. How's it going out there?"_

"It's going." He set the guitar to the side, laying back against the couch. _Maybe even in the right direction._ "My mother is gonna be here with Sarah this weekend."

Quinn smirked. "I know. I ran into her at the mall. She couldn't stop talking about how excited she was. And something about dinner with Rachel?"

He groaned. _Come on, Ma, don't jinx this._ "Yeah, she's got some idea in her head about us all having dinner. She thinks Rachel would do it for Sarah's sake."

"Seriously?" Quinn raised a brow. "Has Rachel Berry changed that much? Because if she didn't want to do something, she just wouldn't. There wasn't a question."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I know." _I might not be here if she were better at it._ "Which is why Ma came up with Plan B. Rachel babysitting Sarah while she and I have dinner with Will and Dan."

Quinn tilted her head, considering. "Will they go for it?"

Noah shrugged. "You know what? I think they will. Rachel remains the question, as always."

* * *

"Do I -" Rachel looked up at her fathers. _On second thought..._"Maybe I'm not, I think I'll just -" _Run. Hide. Those things I was doing so well up until now..._

Will pressed his hands on her shoulders. "Rachel. No. You got this far. It's _one song._ If this is bad, then you won't go through the rest tonight. But I think it's beautiful, sweetheart, as does your dad. At least listen to this one."

_Tonight? Damn it. I'm not going to get away now, am I? _She pouted, turning back to the screen. "I should never have told you."

"Ha!" Dan kissed her head. "Honey, you think we're bad? Imagine if you'd called Lori for this."

_I don't have to imagine. It's why I _didn't. Rachel giggled. "I'd be up all night. She'd have me going through everything."

"Precisely. So we'll at least go easier on you than she will." Will clicked play, squeezing her shoulder. "Want us in here with you?"

"I..." _Just admit it. _"Yes, please?" She turned back to the screen as Noah's voice came from the speakers.

* * *

"So when is someone going to talk to her?" Quinn picked at her nail polish.

_Not just someone. _He rubbed a hand over his face. _Definitely me. _"She's got office hours tomorrow, I'm going to track her down then."

She paused and sat back. "You really think she'll do it?"

Noah took a deep breath. _Really? _"Not for me, but for Sarah? Yeah, I think she would. Rach always had a soft spot for her."

"Which is why Sarah always hated me, right?" Quinn rolled her eyes. "We never stood a chance, did we?"

He frowned quickly. _Of all the fucking questions to ask..._Noah blew out a breath. _Truth, Puckerman. _"If you'd let me be with you, let me be part of everything? Maybe. But after Rach? No."

Quinn nodded. "That's fair." She cleared her throat, continuing softly. "Did you get the pictures I emailed you?"

He reached out to flip up his laptop and smiled. "I did." _She's beautiful._ "That's the _second _idea to catch Rachel's attention."

Quinn laughed. "Ohhh, that's _cruel_. Effective, but cruel."

"Hey! It's the backup plan!" He held a hand up to the screen, kissing his fingertip and pressing it to the smiling little girl's cheek. _Sorry, cutie._ "I don't wanna do it, but..."

She smirked. "All's fair?"

"Exactly." _And I know you get that._ He linked his hands behind his head and leaned back. "I don't want to but I won't let her go without a fight this time. I _can't."_

* * *

_"No, I won't let go_  
_out on your road_  
_so violently_  
_but I still believe_  
_time passes slow_  
_just let her be_  
_just let her go…"_

Rachel swallowed, blinking rapidly. _I will not cry. I refuse. _She brushed furiously at her eyes. "That was...nice." _It was the same song on the very first CD. I recognize that introduction._

"That - nice?" Dan frowned at Will. "Rachel..."

Will waved a hand. "It's fine, Dan. How do you feel after listening, Rachel? Want to try another one? Or maybe a card or a letter?"

She bit her lip. _Absolutely not. _"I don't know, Daddy, perhaps I should just stop for -" - _ever - _" - the evening."

"Because you're starting to see it too, aren't you?" Will shook his head. "Baby girl. Surprised you in class, shows actual insight in his music...Did you really not realize you were his muse?"

"Daddy!" She frowned. _What happened to letting me find my way? _"Aren't you supposed to be the one keeping me from pushing myself too hard?"

"Absolutely. Freshman year of college. _That _was too hard." He waved a hand at the screen. _"This_ is _overdue_, sweetheart."

_Not fair! _She crossed her arms, glaring. "Whose side are you on, anyway? I'm beginning to think I'd have been better off with Lori!" _At least she would have been more sympathetic._

"Only because she would've read half of them instead of you having to do it." Will raised a brow. "Or am I wrong?"

_Or that. _Rachel pouted. "Maybe not," she muttered.

Dan leaned down to hug her. "Rach, you know we've been hoping you'd do this for a while now. And honestly, the fact that I've been persuaded says a lot. I was the one trying to keep you from ever seeing Lima again." He leaned his cheek on her head. "Pwease pumpkin?"

Rachel gasped. "Dad! That's just...that's just not right." _In case there's any doubt as to who the dramatic parent is._ "Using that against me? I haven't heard that in ages..."

"Not since you corrected my enunciation, no." Dan pushed her away to look into her eyes. "One more. Then you can go."

_This is cruel and unusual punishment for growth. _She huffed, turning her face away. _And a battle I doubt I could win. _"One. Chronological, though."

Dan grabbed the back of the rolling chair and guided it across the hall into her bedroom.

Will shook his head. "This is gonna be fun."

* * *

"This should be fun." Quinn shook her head. "Does she have any idea what she's in for?"

Noah laughed. "Not a chance. She won't even let me start." _And even if she did she wouldn't believe me. _He picked up the score again and nodded. "But this class is fucking perfect. The professor wants us to write pieces every week. Just so happens I have a few in the repertoire that fit the bill."

"Look at you. _Repertoire_." She paused, tapping her chin thoughtfully before proceeding. "I really hope this is worth it, Puckerman."

_Ice queen no more. _He chuckled. "Q, if I had a doubt in my mind, I'd've given up years ago." _Seriously. Persistence was never my strong suit. _Strumming the opening line, he grinned. "I know how to get to her, and the freaking Universe is lining up to let me do it. If this doesn't work, at least I know I tried everything. Then I'm gonna come back and break up you and Hudson, see if we can't pick up where we left off."

"In your dreams. Or my nightmares. Both." Quinn shook her head, leaning back to kiss Finn as he joined her at the table. "I've got to go, just wanted to check in. I wish you luck tomorrow, and keep me posted."

"I will, Quinn. Thanks. Say s'up to Hudson. And it's _your _dreams, _my _nightmares." He hung up the phone, smirking. _And that was actually kinda literally._

* * *

_Maybe chronological wasn't the _best _idea..._Rachel turned the envelope over in her hands. "It's a picture. I know it is. We should just skip over it."

"Of what, honey? Do you know?" Will took it from her. "Seems sealed to me."

_Don't! _Rachel snatched it back. "I'm sure it's not anything important, or I would already have it up, Daddy. We can just -"

Dan slipped it from her fingers. "- Open it. We can just open it." He tugged the tiny red plastic strip and opened the envelope.

"Dad, don't -" Rachel recoiled as Dan held out the print. "I don't want to." _We're going to look...we're just..._

Will peered over Dan's shoulder. "Sweetheart, you have to. Listen, we'll leave this here. But you need to look." He kissed her head, squeezing her shoulder. "You have to."

Dan put the 8 by 10 on the bed, hugging his daughter. "I highly recommend it, honey. I can only guess what that note means, but I think you'll know, and you might like it."

_What note? _Rachel kissed them both back, frowning. "I - good night, Dad, good night, Daddy."

"Good night, baby girl. Just go to bed after, okay?"

_As opposed to what? _She glanced warily at the print. "I - sure."

Dan closed the door behind him.

Rachel crossed to the bed, turning the matte paper over. _Oh my God. Damn it, Noah..._She ran a finger down his face. _We just look so _fucking _perfect._

* * *

**"Finally. Some time to relax. They're all entertained." Rachel looked around at the Gleeks gathered in small groups and smiled. **

**Noah dropped onto the blanket next to her. "Tired of fielding the questions?"**

_**More than.**_** She nodded. "I know they mean well, but I don't need to revisit every moment of this...ordeal."**

**He raised a brow. "I dunno, I think in the end it wasn't so bad." He smirked. "Or at least that **_**closet **_**might think so."**

**"Noah!" She blushed, laughing. **_**Cold trophy, hot sex...**_**"Stop it." **_**And you too, Rachel.**_

**"What?" He wagged a brow at her. "Like you're complaining? If you couldn't get one dream, at least you got a fantasy. And with the Sex God of McKinley, no less."**

**She rolled her eyes. "All right, yes, **_**fine**_**, but it's difficult to field questions about where I disappeared to without telling everyone we were...well, you know." **_**Amazing the acts you can commit if you don't have to admit them to anyone...**_**She ducked her head.**

**"I know. And I can't wait to do it again." He licked his lips. **

_**Dear heaven, that mouth...**_**Rachel flushed again. "I...yes, thank you." **

**Noah grinned up at her. "Dreaming about me, Rach? I know it's tough to get me out of your head."**

**"Ha! You only wish." **_**Except maybe you're right?**_** She shook her head. "Now tell me **_**your **_**dreams." She stroked a hand over his hair. "The things you really want." **_**Let me in, just a little bit?**_

**He shook his head, looking around before nibbling the inside of her thigh. "I don't dream. I just do. Dreaming's a luxury."**

**She shivered, swatting lightly at his arm. **_**Dreaming is my lifeblood...**_**"How about something you just wish for? Something you want to have, or you have and don't want to lose?"**

**He shrugged, glancing up at her for a beat before quickly looking away. "Nothing. I don't have anything really holding me here."**

* * *

The photograph was his head in her lap, both gazing intently into each other's eyes. Rachel grimaced and read the note.

_**"I should have said you."**_

* * *

_**Thursday afternoon...**_

Rachel rubbed her eyes. _Brilliant idea, Rachel. Why not start intense emotional work on a Wednesday night? Not like you have workshop then office hours._ She glanced at the door, biting her lip. _Just...no one come in. That's all. _A soft knock brought her eyes up. "Come in..."

* * *

Noah exhaled evenly. _You're looking for advice on the piece. That's all. Oh, and you just so happen to have to ask about Sarah. Coincidence._ He knocked on the slightly open door.

Rachel looked up, her expression chilling. _You knew this was a distinct possibility. _"Come in, Noah. I'll be with you momentarily." Turning back to the girl across the desk, she smiled easily. "This sounds lovely, Mae, I look forward to hearing it tomorrow."

"Thanks for the support, Rachel."

"Not a problem. See you tomorrow." Rachel reached across to squeeze the girl's hand. _Don't think you'll get this kind of reassurance, Noah. _"You'll be wonderful."

Noah smiled as his classmate passed and entered the office. _Ending on hand holding. Sweet._

"Take a seat." Rachel gestured across from her. "Sheet music?" _Nothing but business here._

Noah waved the pages. _A ton. You should read it sometime. _"So, how are you?"

_Haunted_. She smoothed her hands down her skirt. "Fine, thank you. And yourself?"

_I want to kiss you so bad my mouth waters._ He cleared his throat, blinking. "I'm all right. I, uh...So, Ma called me again last night about dinner."

Rachel swallowed hard. _You and me and everyone? _"Did you want to play this through?" She gestured at the pages. "That's what we're here for." _That is _all_ I am here for._

_Since when is me singing a _better _option for you? _He frowned. "Sure. I didn't think you'd want me to, to be honest. And really she just -"

_Take control of the situation. _Rachel folded her arms. "This is office hours, not social hour. The song."

He hid his smile. _You'll regret it, Rach, but sure._ "Yeah, sorry." He took out his guitar and started to strum.

_"On the first day of our champagne-supernova consummation  
who knows you again  
I was hit by Solomon - _  
_You said 'now tell me your dreams' -"_

Rachel's gaze shot to his. _He - he can't possibly know - he just can't..._

He grinned, catching her eyes. _Should've just let me ask about dinner...  
_  
_"- Suddenly it seems that _  
_  
Ain't nobody _  
_gonna take away this thing we got going..."_

_Nobody but _you. Rachel huffed, crossing her arms.  
_  
"Ain't no one _  
_is changing my mind cause I know we got it..."_

Noah only smirked. _I do, Rach, I know we do._  
_  
"Ain't nobody  
All I gotta do is believe in you and  
All the world becomes -"_

Rachel pursed her lips. _Key change. He's got it._  
_  
" - possibility.  
If you're willing, I'll be wonderful..._  
_I'll be wonderful..."_

Rachel held up a hand, shaking her head. "That's enough, Noah, thank you."

"I forgot how much I missed that." He put the guitar aside, half-smile on his face. "Just hearing your voice. You still call me Noah." _And I still love the way it sounds._

"That - that _is _your name." She pursed her lips. _Funny how in high school you hated the sound of it._ "That hasn't changed."

"_I _have though." _Just let down your guard enough to consider the possibility, will you? _He took a deep breath, catching her eyes. "Rachel, just...come to dinner. We can manage a meal. I'd manage more, but -"

"I don't see it being a good idea, in light of everything," she interrupted. _Don't look at me like that. I can't, Noah, I just can't..._She broke her gaze away, looking at the sheet music instead. "The piece is actually quite fine for -"

"We have history. It happens." _And I'm trying to put it behind us. _He leaned down to try to catch her eye. "Ma and Sarah are pissed at me about it. I just -"

"- class, and I'll just see you then." She shook her head. _And that's it. Clear boundaries. _"I really don't think dinner would be a good idea. Especially not while I'm your TA."

"You always were," he smirked, raising a brow. _You never truly realized how fucking smoking hot you are..._

"Noah!" Rachel drew herself up. _Of all the unprofessional, improper -_

He held up his hands. "I couldn't help it! The opportunity was too good. You look fantastic, you know. I remember that shirt." _On and off._

_This shirt? _She looked down at the white pinstriped blouse with the wide collar.

_**Noah's hands gliding up her sides, sliding around to caress her, slowly unbuttoning and parting the fabric, voice in her ear offering a ride on rough seas...**_

_Oh, damn it, Rachel, you wore this with him. _Rachel licked her lips and fought down the shiver. "Thank you, Noah, you are looking well yourself. It doesn't change anything, however. I don't think it would be a good idea." _In fact, I'm certain it would be a very bad one._

_Plan B, Puckerman. Just move on._ He shrugged. "Well, could we leave Sarah with you then?"

"Wh-what?" _Leave - you'd just - _She frowned at him.

_Got you listening, at least..._Noah sighed. "Ma wants to go to a nice restaurant and I know Sarah has no patience for that. And she wanted to see you. I know Sarah missed you even when you were in Lima, and Ma keeps your newspaper clippings. She hasn't forgotten you at all."

_Not like her brother did_. She winced. _Damn it, Rachel. _"Noah -"

"Neither did I. I remember everything, Rach." _Every minute, every word. _He held up the sheet music. "You know I do."

"That's not the question." _Are you sure? _She shook herself. "It's about whether it's appropriate -"

"You know, Sarah said you should give me detention." He quirked a brow. "That maybe if you did, you wouldn't be so mad at me." _Maybe she was right._

Rachel laughed despite herself. "Sounds like Sarah." _I always won when she was around..._

"See? You miss her too." _I knew you did. I _still _know you, if you'd just let me in._ He held up his hands in supplication. "If you can't bring yourself to have dinner, hang with Sarah. An hour, maybe two, out of your busy schedule. Tomorrow night."

_No. No, I can't let any part of you back into my life. Not like that. _She shook her head vehemently. "Noah, I still don't think it's -"

A knock on the door had them both glancing over.

"Come in, Jon." Rachel smiled widely. "I'm done with Noah." _In every sense._ She turned back to him. "That piece sounds perfect for the assignment. I'll see you in class."

_Damn it, Rach. And what the fuck, the universe is on her side for once?_ "Yeah. Thanks." He stood, grabbing his guitar. "I'll see you tomorrow."

_That's pretty much all I can handle. _She nodded, waving Jon over.

Noah heaved a sigh. _Just means you have to deal with me outside of your little bubble here..._He raised a brow as he pulled the door slightly shut behind him. "Later, Rachel."

Rachel stared at the door for a beat. _Maybe I should consider changing my number..._

* * *

_Well, that sucked. _Noah walked towards the practice rooms. _I wonder if this is how she feels when shit happens to put me in her way. _He shook his head, glancing at the sign-ups.

"Puckerman?" Lori laughed. "You came for office hours. _Damn, _you're dedicated."

"Oh, it figures." He turned, chuckling. _I get a taste of Rachel's world. _"I guess it's my turn to get mocked today, huh?"

She kissed his cheek, pulling back to raise a brow at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

_That feeling the universe is laughing at my expense? _He shrugged, leaning against the wall. "I was trying to convince her to come out for dinner with Will, Dan, and my mom and my sister."

Lori rolled her eyes, unlocking a private room and gesturing him in. "Yeah, I'm sure _that_ went well."

_If by well, you mean nowhere. _He dropped into a chair, leaning his guitar against the wall. "Not even close. And just when I was really pushing her, someone else came in."

"_Ah..._" Lori tossed him sheet music and sat at the piano. "Sucks. And I know she's determined to have nothing to do with your family this weekend. She told me about it after you had class."

He sighed, skimming the score. _Huh, not bad._ "Yeah, no surprise."

"Hey, come on. If she _really _didn't give a shit, she would go to dinner to spite you." Lori smirked at him. "The fact she's dodging you is actually a _good_ sign."

"It's - " Noah tilted his head. "Well, yeah. Shit. I should've realized that." _I know her well enough. Lost sight of that._

"I _can_, perhaps, _goad _her into dinner with you." She shrugged. "I don't know if you want that."

"Hell no. I appreciate it, but, not even worth it." He smirked at her in return. "Besides, I think Plan B is gonna work." _Rach has too soft a spot in her heart to turn Sarah down._

"Plan B?" Lori turned, grinning widely. "You figured out a way around her no interaction rule, didn't you..."

He raised a brow. _Do I trust that you're not gonna tell Rachel? _"Sarah, my little sister. She wants to see Rach really badly, so I asked Rach if she'd babysit."

Lori snorted with laughter. "Rach? Babysit? She sits still for that long?"

_The many sides of Rachel Berry. _Noah gave a half-smile. "You'd be surprised. She saved the day when she and I were..."

* * *

_**"Ah!" **_**Rachel's cry was sharp in his ear.**

**He smirked and lifted her leg higher on his shoulder, leaning down to growl into her ear. "More," he urged. **_**Lose your mind.**_

**Rachel tossed and twisted beneath him, heel pressing into his back. "Noah, **_**please..." **_**She arched up, teeth latching onto his neck. **

_**"Fuck!" **_**He groaned, his orgasm burning through him. **_**You feel so fucking good...**_

**Rachel shuddered and subsided into the bed, laughing breathlessly. "Gotcha," she panted.**

**"You little fucking -" He leaned down, sucking a hickey to her collarbone. **_**You are just too fucking much, Rachel...**_

**"N-**_**Noah!" **_**She bowed up again, another climax dragging through her.**

**"Hide **_**that **_**one, Rach," he breathed against her skin. **_**What the - oh, fuck no...**_**He turned away, grabbing his cell from the nightstand. "Hello?"**

_**"Noah! Mrs. Freedman called, she needs to take Gracie to the doctor and she has to drop Sarah off now, are you home?"**_

**He pressed his hand to Rachel's mouth and pulled out, apologizing with his eyes as he leapt from the bed. **_**Shit, I could've gone another two or three times today...**_**"Yeah, I'm home, Ma, why, where are they?"**

_**"Uh...probably outside the door by now, sweetheart, Gracie sort of threw up on Sarah."**_** There was a beat of silence. **_**"Sorry?"**_

**Rachel's eyes flew wide as a car squeaked to a stop out front. She fumbled for her clothes, dressing quickly.**

_**"Noah, there's another thing - I know Sarah's upset, do you think you could maybe help her wash up?"**_

**"Oh, Ma, come on..." He tugged on his jeans. **_**Fuck, I know she's right, but...**_**"I don't - you think she'll even let me in the bathroom with her?"**

**Rachel's face softened as she crossed the room. "I'll help," she murmured. "If that's all right with your mother."**

_**"Noah, she's **_**really **_**distraught, could you **_**please**_**, for **_**once**_**, just -"**_

**"I think we got it, Ma." He nodded at Rachel. "Rachel's actually over helping me study, if you don't mind -"**

_**"No! I don't at all, thank her for me, I have to get back onto the floor."**_

**"Sure, Ma, we -" He looked out the window as the doorbell rang. "We got her." **_**And too late now even if we didn't want to.**_

**Rachel touched his arm and shook her head, running downstairs. **

**He hung up. **_**Okay, maybe not **_**we? He watched as Rachel went out to the car, taking Sarah's hand without hesitation and leading her into the house. He moved to the door to listen as they climbed the stairs, Rachel murmuring quietly while Sarah's hiccuping sobs subsided. **_**Oh, she's good...Sarah would be yelling at me by now.**_

**His sister emerged with Rachel a half-hour later, giggling and kicking him in the shin. "Good to see you in fighting form, munchkin." He looked into Rachel's eyes and smiled. **_**You're too fucking good for any of us...**_

* * *

_Maybe you just always will be out of my league..._He shook free from the memory. "She's kind of Sarah's hero. She and Rach get along really well. It wouldn't even be babysitting, it'd be hanging out." _And it's gonna happen. It _has _to._ He picked up his guitar. "Want me to sight read this?"

She nodded, looking him over. "You're strategic, I'll tell you that much, Noah."

He quirked a brow. _Sure? _"I'll take that as a good place to start."

Lori shook her head. "She's totally underestimating your dedication. I'm gonna laugh my ass off when she realizes that."

"Drop by tomorrow night. Or maybe even linger in the hallway. I might try to catch her at the end of office hours." He started to pick out the melody. "I still haven't gotten an answer out of her." _And I'm not giving up till I get one._

Lori grinned. "Happy to help you kill time. Go for it." She nodded at the music.

Noah turned to the music. _Jazzy. Didn't expect that._

Lori swayed as she played the piano and started to sing.

_"You said I'm stubborn and I never give in_  
_I think you're stubborn, 'cept you're always softening_  
_You say I'm selfish - I agree with you on that_  
_I think you're giving in on way too much in fact_

_I say we've only known each other a year_  
_You say "Pfft, I've known you longer, my dear,"_  
_You like to be so close, I like to be alone_  
_I like to sit on chairs and you prefer the floor_

_Walking with each other_  
_Think we'll never match at all_  
_But we do, but we do, but we do, but we do..._

_I thought I knew myself, somehow you know me more_  
_I've never known this, never before_  
_You're the first to make up whenever we argue_  
_I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know you..."_

Noah shook his head. "We all just write what we know, huh?" _At least I'm in good company._

Lori paused, smirking. "What ever do you mean?"

"Uh-huh. I'm sure this song has _nothing _to do with you and Connor, right?" He gestured at the sheet music. _Not even a little bit, of course not._

Lori laughed. "Look who's talking, buddy. Like I'm the only one?"

Noah held up a hand. "Not even close and I wouldn't say otherwise." He raised a brow. _Actually_..."Can I try the song I really want to sing in class tomorrow with you?"

"The one you _really _- then office hours was a setup?" She sat back, folding her arms.

He nodded. "I figure I should take every opportunity I can get to tell her how I feel. Including a surprise in class tomorrow." _She's gonna get the full Puckerone press. And then the _full_ full one. _Noah snickered to himself.

"Ohhhhhhh, female vocalist, huh?" Lori eyed him. "You _do _like that."

_We sound good together. _He winked. "Duet. She'll kill me, but whatever." _However our voices might be blending..._

"Brave. Or stupid." She shook her head. "Not quite sure which you are."

_Both? _He shrugged. "At the very least I won't be a quitter. I'll settle for that." He pulled the sheet music from his portfolio and handed it to Lori.

"Oh, Noah...just the title..." Lori reached out to squeeze his arm.

He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "Well, yeah. I figured since she never saw them when I sent them, I should try to at least make her listen to the ones she has to hear." _And this is definitely one of them._

"She is." Lori turned the page, sighing. "Started last night."

"She - she _what?"_ His jaw dropped as he caught Lori's eyes. _She started last night? _"Lori?"

"I should _not _have told you that." She hung her head. "She may or may not have started looking last night, to prevent just such occurrences from catching her off-guard."

"Seriously?" Noah blinked at her. _That - that makes so much sense now..._"No wonder she's pissed today. Would you tell me how far she got?"

_"No."_ Lori shook her head insistently. "I shouldn't even have told you she started looking."

_She's right. You know she's right. Not fair._ "I guess not." Noah drew a deep breath. "Can we try the song?"

Lori nodded slowly. "That I can do." She skimmed the lyrics again. "Don't know that Rach will be able to tomorrow, but it's worth a shot, right?"

"Pretty much my policy on the whole fucking thing," he retorted, rolling his eyes. _I just have to have faith in her._

Lori raised a brow. "Just remember why that is, okay?"

_I couldn't forget if I tried. _He shook his head. _And I did try. _"No shit, Lori. Just listen to the song." He shrugged. "Hope Rach will too."

* * *

"Can I do that?" He looked pleadingly at her across the desk.

Rachel nodded. "Jon, that piece is wonderful. It's what Professor Greene is looking for, honestly. It's fine. I _promise." Poor thing is so worried._

"I just - well, if you're sure..." He frowned uncertainly.

"I do, and if you're not sure, you can try to catch Professor Greene, I don't mind." Rachel patted his hand. _Was I ever this needy?_ "You'll be fine."

He nodded and stood. "Thank you, Ms. Berry."

_Ms. Berry? _She rolled her eyes. "Please, just call me Rachel. You're making me feel old." _And I've barely begun._

He chuckled. "Okay, Rachel." He waved and left the office.

Rachel looked down at her phone. _Where in the world is Lori?_

* * *

"She's going to kill you." Lori handed him the sheet music, stretching from the piano. "Just as long as you realize that."

_That's any different from any other day till now? _He accepted the pages, grinning. "I'm actually kinda banking on it. Something's gotta give."

"Yeah, here's hoping not her sanity or your _face." _She stuck her tongue out.

He shrugged, a sardonic twist to his smile. _At this point? _"That'd be like a drop of water to a dying man. Something, at least, after all the 'I don't cares'."

"Oh shit! I'm supposed to meet her for lunch!" Lori slapped a hand to her forehead. "She's gonna kill me..."

"Well, I won't tell her I was with you, make up whatever you like." _Not worth Rach getting upset. _He zipped up his bag and stood.

Lori looked him up and down again. "Screw that. Your sister deserves a hero. I'll say I needed a hand and ran into you." She stood and grabbed her bag. "Well, come on! This is the only way she won't kill either of us."

Noah nodded dumbly. _Why the fuck is she helping me?_ "Look, I don't want you in trouble for helping me on this one -"

Lori gave him an arch look. "You? I'm helping Sarah. If Rach is her hero it's mean to keep her at arms' length because her brother is a jackass."

"Maybe I _don_'t thank you." He feigned an offended expression. _Bottom line, that's the truth._

"You're not welcome, either." Lori nudged him with her shoulder. "I really am doing this for Sarah though. Don't kid yourself or Rach."

"No! Hey, that's fair. Truthfully I'd rather Sarah get some time with Rach and I'll work on my own deal." He opened the door for Lori, gesturing her down the corridor towards Rachel's office. _If it's not because of me, it's not worth it. I don't want guilt. _

"Well, that's pretty much what you're getting," Lori muttered as she entered Rachel's office. "Hey Rach!"

"Lori! I thought you -" _She didn't. She _wouldn't. Rachel shook her head. "Oh, no. _Lori!"  
_  
Noah held up his hands in surrender. _Give me some credit, Rach..._ "I didn't come to harass you, I swear! I -"

Lori raised a brow at her friend. "He was _helping_ me, actually, and said he's been trying to pass a message from his little sister that you wouldn't listen to. And I _knew_, didn't I, that that couldn't be the case."

_How lovely, I feel like an utter wretch. _She drew a shaking breath. "Lor -"

Lori only arched the other brow. "That _Rachel Berry,_ upstanding citizen and esteemed faculty, was unwilling to hang out with a little girl who worships her."

"Sarah hates –" _Damn it, Lor, you have no idea – _Rachel turned, eyes pleading for help. "Noah, come on, she loathes being referred to as a little girl -"

Noah shook his head, laughing. _I love you, Rach, but this is too much fun. _"Hey, you could've just answered."

"Rachel Berry, future star of stage and screen would _never_ deny a fan." Lori smiled angelically. "And that's why I figured I'd bring him by after he so handily assisted with my piece, and let you guys work out details before we went to lunch."

Rachel frowned thunderously. _Damn it, how was I outmaneuvered here?_ "What time are they -"

"They land in the middle of class, they should be in the city by about 2 or 3 and dinner is anytime after 6 when Dan gets off shift." His heart pounded as he waited. _Come on, Rachel, there's really no reason to say no and you know it._

Rachel exhaled shakily, pinching the bridge of her nose. _For Sarah's sake. That's all. _"Bring her by. I'll mind her for dinner."

"Thank you, Rachel." He turned to Lori. "And thank you too." _For being the one to bridge the gap._

Lori grinned. "S'what I'm here for. Now STFU and GTFO."

He laughed and saluted, spinning on his heel. _Part One down._..

Rachel turned and glared at her friend. _Isn't anyone looking out for me anymore? _"How could you corner me, Lori, especially with _him?_ Of all people and all things! I can't -"

"Rach, humor me." Lori blinked innocently at her. "What were you going to be doing tomorrow night?"

"I was -" She sighed. _Yes, yes…_"I was probably going to eat ice cream and explore more of Noah's packages." _If I could bring myself to.  
_  
"Right." Lori stroked her chin thoughtfully. "So all of this would already be on your mind, right?"

Rachel's expression was closed off as she gathered her things. "Yes. Quite likely," she bit out. _Which I loathe admitting. And you know that._

"Who better than a little sister then?" Lori's eyes were wide with excitement. "She's _already_ aligned against him - from _birth!"  
_  
Rachel laughed. "Damn it, Lori, I'm supposed to be mad at you cornering me with him." _Instead of this exceedingly unsettling fluttery feeling._

"Too bad. This one actually makes _sense."_ Lori kissed her cheek. "The only one losing out by you not answering was Sarah, Rach. Dinner would happen, they'd still probably have come by to see the new place -"

Rachel rolled her eyes, locking the office door behind them. "Only to see if we still have that weird sculpture from temple. We all had to bring them home, it was a mitzvah by the Puckermans. Probably to make up for Noah's behavior." _I could have used an entire museum..._

"It - what?" Lori frowned, tilting her head skeptically. "I'm missing something."

"Yes, brain cells." Rachel dropped her sunglasses on and smirked as she headed out of the building. _That opening was too perfect not to avail myself of._

"Oh, you are lucky I love you..." Lori followed her out.

* * *

_**Friday**_

Rachel slapped her alarm clock, what Katrina was walking on rudely interrupted. _I remember the days I sprang out of bed at my alarm..._She stretched and peered out the window. "And of course the sun is shining and birds are chirping." She gave a disgusted sigh and left the bed. "Let's get this party started."

She paused, looking down. _Do I dare look at anything today?_ Rachel took a breath and knelt to drag the boxes out from their hiding place.

* * *

Noah threw the covers back, grinning. _You don't know what you're in for, Rach. No idea at all. _He stretched and stood, rubbing the back of his neck as he considered his closet.

* * *

Rachel stared down into the collection of packages. _Maybe this isn't a good idea._ She shook her head, biting her lip.

"Pumpkin?" Dan knocked lightly. "Sweetheart, are you awake?"

Rachel threw her robe on before opening the door and launching into his arms. _Maybe _too_ awake, _too_ aware..._

"Rachel!" Dan squeezed her tightly, kissing her head. "What's wrong?"

"I - I agreed to babysit Sarah tonight, and I'm just... " _Terrified. _Rachel shuddered, squeezing him back. "I'm so lost, Dad, I don't know..." _Why do I feel so adrift?_

He drew her into the kitchen. "Talk to me, Rach. What's going on?" Dan urged her into a seat and moved to the stove.

"Well, Noah came to office hours -" She shook her head. _Strategically._ "I'm virtually certain just to talk to me when I couldn't -"

"- run?" Dan turned, a smiling question in his eyes.

Rachel pursed her lips. _I truly hate how insightful you and Daddy are at times..._"Yes, exactly. When I couldn't run. And he asked me about dinner."

"Wait - about coming to dinner with us?" Dan paused, catching her eyes.

Rachel nodded. "Which is unacceptable, on several levels. And I proceeded to tell him so until the next student arrived." _Thankfully. _

"But he didn't give up, obviously." He chuckled and turned back to the kettle.

She took a deep breath. _I see what you're trying to do._ "No. Despite my clear denials, he returned with Lori."

"With -" Dan took the cups from the cupboard, turning and frowning as he set them down. "Honey, why didn't you tell us this last night? You walked in like everything was fine. We actually thought Noah had given up." He bit his lip.

"You - you both knew he was coming to talk to me?" Rachel's brow furrowed. _And you didn't say anything, didn't warn me..._

Dan held up a hand. "Ilana had mentioned Noah was going to ask you, I didn't know how or when or anything like that." He caught her eyes. "And I honestly think you need to start _talking_ to him, Rachel. I'm really quite proud you started looking at the care packages."

_"I'm_ not." She frowned, wrapping her hands around the mug of tea Dan set in front of her. _It's just raw again..._ "I wish I never had. I wish I just threw them away..."

"You wish you were strong enough to either be in it or out of it." Dan sliced strawberries, tossing one her way. "Life would be so much easier."

"It would!" She pouted, sipping the tea. _Is that too much to ask? _"If I just could hate him -"

"- you wouldn't still love him. Is that it?" Dan turned nonchalantly.

"Dad!" Rachel dropped the teacup with a clatter. _Don't say that._ "That's not - I don't -"

"Breakfast with a side of brutal honestly." Dan sat across from her. "Rachel, you and I both know that Puck didn't move here. Noah did. And when you're ready to see the proof of that, we can keep going with the care packages. Daddy has a late morning, he's actually being lazy in bed."

"Who's lazy?" Will padded into the kitchen. "I don't do lazy. I do leisurely."

Rachel giggled while Dan rolled his eyes. _I love them so much._

"Whatever you like, love, but I call lazy." Dan leaned back to kiss him. "Good morning. I was just telling Rachel that she's still in love with Noah."

Will raised a brow. "Really. Do tell." He turned a skeptical look to his daughter and joined them at the table.

"Well, this is just, you know, vicarious through my brilliant husband and my own observations." Dan tapped his temple lightly.

Will nodded slowly, reaching for Rachel's hand. "Go ahead, darling."

"Well. We know Rach was in love with him back in Lima." Dan looked between the two of them matter-of-factly.

"Correct." Will squeezed her hand. "But then he was an idiot, and got back together with Quinn. Who'd treated him like garbage."

Dan nodded his agreement. "Listen, this isn't saying Noah's brilliant. Just that she loves him and he loves her."

"What? No!" Rachel frowned at her dad. _Who said that he – that he loves -_ "I am not going to be convinced that he loves me now. He's never said it and I -"

"- don't want to give him the chance to." Dan sat, placing the strawberries and cottage cheese down with three spoons. "Pumpkin, you barely let him ask you about Sarah, let alone talk about himself and his feelings. That's why those care packages are so dangerous for you. That's why you don't want to look at them. Because it's the closest he can get to saying that to you." He took a scoop, looking at them both. "Am I wrong?"

Will shrugged. "I have an opinion, but it's not the one that matters." He turned to Rachel stroking her hand softly. "Rach?"

She swallowed hard."I..." _Rachel! Say something_. "I don't..."

Will and Dan exchanged a look, Will subtly shaking his head.

"I don't _want_ to know." Rachel's voice was barely above a whisper. "I don't want to know he loved me all along. I've said it before and it hasn't changed. If he loved me, and that's how he treated me, I don't want to know." _Can you blame me? Honestly, can you?_

"But what about you, baby girl? What about how you feel?" Will cupped her chin, turning her face up to look at them. "Are you telling me you don't have any feelings left for him? Nothing?"

"I - I pity him." Rachel met Will's eyes coolly. "I feel sorry that he's so lost." _Like a little duckling, just following along._

"Oh, honey. He was lost a few years ago. But now? He knows exactly what he wants. And that is a terrifying proposition for you." Will shrugged. "Or I could be wrong and you and he can just hash things out tonight."

"Daddy! Would you just be on my side?" She pushed back from the table. "I need to get my day started." _If only it could be _re_started..._

"Sweetheart." Will stood, moving to intercept her. "Rachel, I don't want you thinking we're against you or we're siding with Noah. The fact is we are on your side, and for you to grow and become the best person you can be, there are things you need to face. Well, no. There's a person. I told him years ago that someday you two would need to talk about what happened. Now I'm telling you. You can't run forever, you can't hide forever, and the young woman we raised knows that. You know that deep down."

Rachel frowned. _But I don't _want _to know that._ "But what's the use, Daddy? I can't - I can't trust him again. I can't take the chance." _I _won't.

"Can and can't are very strong words, baby girl. Do you mean can't or do you mean you're scared to?" They both gazed steadily at her.

_How did this turn into deconstruct Rachel hour?_ "Why does it matter? I'm babysitting for Sarah, as you pointed out, he's in my class and off-limits, and that's it." She folded her arms. "Life goes on."

"Does it? I'm going to come back to the same worry we've had for years, pumpkin." Dan joined Will at her side, reaching out to rub his hand down her arm. "Are you living or surviving? Because we all want more for you than just survival. Hopefully you do too."

Rachel inhaled sharply, hurt etched on her face. _Have some faith in me! _"I do. And I thought that's what I was doing."

"Then come to dinner. It's not a date if it's all of us and all of them. We have reservations at 7 at The Oak Room at the Plaza. We can add on easily. Have a conversation. See that he's grown up. And go from there." Will kissed her head. "Just think about it. Now you and Dad have to get underway. Off with you."

_But I..._Rachel bit her lip. _Discretion is the better part of valor_. "I'll think about it, Daddy, but I doubt I'll change my mind."

"That's fair enough, baby girl. Now skeedadle." He wagged his eyebrows at her.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Only _you_ would use a word like that." _I am my fathers' daughter._

"Part of my charm." Will nodded towards the hall. "Git."

Rachel stuck her tongue out and headed down the hall. _Gladly._

"She's not coming to dinner." Dan tucked himself into Will's arms. "Not happening at all."

Will nodded. "I don't expect her to. But everything we both just said will linger in her head. Maybe that's all we need."

"Devious of you," Dan remarked. "I think I like it."

* * *

_I don't like this._ Rachel sighed and yanked clothes from her closet. _I don't like this at all._ "A girl takes one small step..." She shook her head. _I am not going to dinner. I'm going to watch movies with Sarah and order Lombardi's. No muss, no fuss. _

_If I just survive the morning, that is._ She stepped into her heels, checking the jeans and blouse in the mirror. _No Lima-related clothing today, thank you. Just dealing with Noah will be enough._

* * *

Noah cleared his throat, knocking on the door frame. "Professor Greene?" _Open ear and open mind, please?_

"Yes?" Beverly put her glasses on the desk. "You're the optimist. Puckerman."

_Ha. If you only knew. _"Yes, ma'am. I had an idea for a piece for class, but I need a female vocalist. I, uh, was wondering if maybe Rachel could possibly take that on?" He smoothed his hands over his head. "I changed my mind about what piece I wanted to perform, so I didn't get to ask her during office hours."

"You came by office hours and wrote another song already?" She raised a brow. "Do I need to be scared you're hooked on coke or caffeine pills?"

_What the - is she fucking crazy?_ He frowned skeptically. "No, I actually have a pretty extensive repertoire. I've been writing music –" _about your TA _" - for years."

"Good. I like that better. Rachel should be here in a few minutes if you want to catch her." The professor paused. "Or is she meeting me in the classroom? Shoot..."

"I can go to the classroom and wait? Let her know you're here?" _Maybe make a move or ten..._He blew out a breath, trying not to grin. _It's fine by me…_

Replacing the glasses on her face, she stood. "No, I'm pretty sure I said to meet in the classroom. I have to set up in any event. Come on, walk with me. Tell me about this repertoire of yours."

Rachel drew a deep breath as she opened the door. _It will be fine. You know what today will bring, and the response he's hoping for. No surprises today_. She smiled and nodded at the faculty as she passed, a quick frown crossing her face. "Didn't she say the office?" Glancing at her phone, she sighed. _No email. She must just be running late...  
_

"Hmm. It's not like Rachel to run late." Professor Greene quirked a brow at the clock. "Maybe I did say the office?"

_If you did, it may just work to my advantage. _Noah shrugged, strumming his guitar and tuning. "I can run by your office and check?"

"That would be lovely, Noah, thank you." She turned back to the staffs on the white board, drawing key signatures.

He carefully placed his guitar in the open case, shoving his hands in his pocket as he left the room. _Better not be too tempted...  
_  
Rachel tapped her foot, rolling her eyes. _I knew she was flighty but this is just unacceptable._ She exhaled evenly and picked up her bag. _At this point, I need to get to class._ She shook her head and opened the door to the other corridor.  
"Whoa!" Noah grabbed her quickly. _Falling for me again? _"Guessing you figured out rofessor Greene got mixed up about where to meet you."

"I did surmise that, yes." Rachel jerked from his grasp, shaking herself. _What did I just say about no surprises? _"Dare I further guess you came to stalk me?"

"I wouldn't call it stalking." He gazed hotly at her, voice low. "You remember what stalking was, when I'd just toss you onto the bed and crawl -"

"- Noah!" Rachel flushed and shoved past him. "That's enough." _You always have to push your luck, don't you._

_I saw that. You still feel it, Rach. _"Yes, I was coming back to get you. I actually have a favor to ask you."

"_Again?" _She shook her head and walked faster. "Noah, you're already dropping your sister off later tonight. I don't believe there's anything else you could ask of me." _Nothing that I would ever consider._

"It wasn't me, it was Professor Greene." _When it boils down to it anyway. _He followed her down the corridor. "She wants you to -"

Rachel held up a hand and paused at the door. "If the professor asks me, it's a different story. But really, I have nothing to say to you." Twisting the doorknob, she plastered a smile on and entered the room. _I know you're tricky, Noah._

"Rachel!" Professor Greene laughed. "I'm so sorry for the mixup. Did Noah get a chance to ask? You don't mind?"

"I -" She glanced behind her frantically. _I thought he was joking! _"No, he didn't, actually."

"Noah has a piece that needs a female vocalist for a portion of it. I said you wouldn't object at all, it's part of what you were selected for."

Rachel's gaze darted between the two of them. _I've been set up. Damn it, Noah..._"No, Professor." She glared at him quickly. _Don't think I don't realize. _"Not a problem at all."

Noah hid his grin and slid into his seat. _Have you learned to hear me out _yet? "Thanks. Here's the sheet music if you want to look it over."

"Actually, she'll have to sight read, I need her to open the class. Thanks, Rachel." Professor Greene tossed Noah a smile and guided Rachel to the piano.

Rachel inhaled sharply. _I get the feeling I'm going to regret this. _She exhaled slowly and turned her attention to the music Professor Greene passed her.

_Even better. _Looking down at the pages on his desk, Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth. _She's gonna kill me, but she can't get away from me. _He peered slowly up the length of her, watching her for a heartbeat._ Especially not today. And you even started to read the letters. I wonder how far you got? _He glanced up again and froze, startled to find her eyes on him.

Rachel quickly averted her face. _Of course he looked up. Damn it. _She flushed, reading the lyrics. _I can't believe I'm going to have to sing this. I can't believe he _wrote _this._

"All right, everyone, let's get started..." Professor Greene played the opening of Beethoven's 5th with an ominous laugh. "Minors and majors alike, bring me your music..."

Rachel flinched as Professor Greene called the next name. _What on Earth is she waiting for? Did she actually forget?_ Ducking her head, she giggled to herself. _Her flightiness might actually work to my advantage._ She quietly gathered her own books and music, slipping them into her messenger bag.

"And I think we have time for one more...Noah? Rachel?"

_Damn it. _"I'm ready." She stood and approached the piano.

_I don't think you are._ He picked up the guitar and joined her, pulling two stools up to the music stand.

"Thank you," Rachel murmured. _I was going to set my own. Away from you. And you guessed that._

Noah smirked. "My pleasure," he teased. _Always has been._

Her eyes flashed as she sat, biting back a retort. _Just get through it. That's all you need to do. And then class will be over and he will be gone._

_And you have to listen to every word for fear of missing your cue. Gotcha. _He plucked lightly to check his tuning again. _You have to know I've changed if I managed to outmaneuver _you, _Rach._ He nodded and started to play the opening.

_Just a performance. Except that he'll do this every week._ Rachel closed her eyes, fighting a shudder. _He really will._

Taking a slow, smooth breath, Noah started to sing.

_"Here I sit,_  
_The world upon my shoulder,_  
_Think I'd cry without a love to keep me warm._  
_And I'm sure_  
_The faithfulness grows older,_  
_I'm as useful as a broken man's reward._

_And so I wait._  
_And never see._  
_How someone so desired could fall for me..."_

_I never did believe it..._He nodded to her.

Rachel blinked quickly, the words clearing as she looked again and joined in for her harmony.

_"Well it's just one kiss,_  
_And it'll all crash down._  
_Ignorance is bliss,_  
_In this cold and wet town."_

She glanced up, flushing to find his gaze locked on her face. _Not a good idea to look at him. Ever. _Rachel glued her eyes to the sheet music.

_"If I could bring myself to venture through _  
_This bold and bruised door,_  
_Well I might make it..._  
_Yeah...I might make it."_

_Especially not right now. _She took a deep breath, letting the music wash over her as she counted measures. _For as long as I possibly can._

Noah glanced over again, sighing a little. _She's not going to do _that_ again. _He sang the verses, willing the words into her ears.

_"Yeah I might make it..._  
_Yes, I might make it."_

He picked his way through the break, letting the notes echo in the room as he waited for her.

She licked her lips and turned her head to him. _As long as I possibly can, except that I need to look at him to get my cues._

Noah nodded slowly. _You can't tell me I don't understand, Rach. I get it. I know what I did. And I'm here to prove it all wrong._

_"I don't want to leave,_  
_I don't want to stay;_  
_But you tear me up_  
_With those insecure ways."_

Rachel swallowed, their gazes locked. _Damn it, Noah, you can't look at me like that anymore._

_"Insecure ways..._  
_Insecure ways..._  
_Insecure ways..."_

Professor Greene cleared her throat. "That was excellent, you two, and thank you, Noah, for sharing. Next week we're going to talk more about key and time signatures and we'll see what you can come up with to apply it all. Have a great weekend."

Rachel blinked rapidly, pressing a hand to her chest. _And you're free. _She shook herself and stood.

"Rach -" Noah touched her arm. "Thanks." _For everything. For loving me._ "We're still good together," he said softly.

_Don't. _She stiffened. "Noah -" _Don't touch me, I just can't..._

"We've got reservations at 7, so we'll be by around 6:30. Sarah is up for whatever you guys want to do, she'll be delivered with a Metrocard and an allowance. I'm heading to Penn Station to meet them now." _And I don't need to push my luck when I get to see you again today, before you really get a chance to settle down. _"Let us know if there's anything else you need." _Like to be added on to the reservation. _"You're still more than welcome to -"

"6:30 sounds perfect, I'll order the Lombardi's then and maybe she and I will take a walk over if it's nice enough." She rolled her shoulder to shrug off his hand. "I should talk to the professor. Nice work." _Your voice didn't even tremble on that, Rachel. Progress._ She didn't look at him as she walked away, brushing her cheeks quickly.

He watched her for a moment, throwing his books and the music into his bag. _I wondered if she even noticed she was crying. You're not done with me either, Rachel. Not even close._

* * *

**A.N.: **I do hope you enjoyed. Working on the next chapter already!


	16. Both Sides Now

_Suggested listening: Hometown Glory, Adele; So Many Roads, Fink; Almost, Nicola; Lovesong, The Cure; Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell; City, Sara Bareilles; Infinite Arms, Band of Horses_

**A.N.** Thank you all so much for sticking with me. I've been writing this story for about a year now, which is amazing to me, and we're actually heading to the end of this tale. I hope you take the rest of the journey with me, and I thank you for all your love and support!

* * *

**Chapter 15: Both Sides Now**

"Noah!" Sarah ran across the concourse into his arms. "You made it! I flew, it was awesome. My stomach kept having that feeling like on a roller coaster and Ma was all white. Then we took the train in and she got even paler! It was fun."

_Maybe for you, rugrat. _Noah raised a brow at his mother's ashen face. "Rough flight?"

She rolled her eyes. "No one warned me it was going to be a tiny plane. No one."

"But it's worth it, right?" He hoisted both bags. _If not for me, just for the chance to get to Rachel, I'm guessing._"Let's get you to the apartment, huh? We've got plans for this weekend."

* * *

Rachel closed the door behind her softly, leaning against it for a beat. _No more surprises today. No more classes, no more singing, no more. Maybe a bubble bath._ She bit her lip. _Or_...She laid her keys on the side table and pulled out her cell, chewing her thumbnail while the phone rang. _She must've gotten an early start to the weekend and is with -_

_"Hello? Rach?"_

"Lori?" She fell onto the couch. _Thank goodness._"Can you - do you have time to maybe -"

_"Rach. My afternoon classes are cancelled today, just like yours. Need company?"_

"Yes, please?" She looked around. _Too empty, too quiet..._"It's been a rough morning, and I just -"

_"Noah, huh? I'll be by in a few minutes, okay? I'm at Connor's, so I'm at the off-campus apartments, basically. Let me get myself together and I'll be there in ten minutes, tops."_

Rachel pressed a hand to her forehead. _You should have known better than to call! _"No! Lor, you don't -" _You knew, she's with Connor and they're -_

* * *

"Bye!" Lori closed the phone, turning to Connor with a grin. "I think he's finally getting through to her."

Connor raised a brow. "Really? How?"

Lori laughed. "It's Rachel Berry - how do you think?"

Connor laid back down. "Music, obviously. And he's a composition major, you said? Those care packages with music and CDs are his stuff."

"Yup. So he's going through and singing songs for her." She pressed her hands to her heart. "I actually caught him yesterday and he showed me today's song. I was pretty much expecting Rach to call -"

"- which is why you told me to make my own plans this afternoon. I gotcha." He stretched, lazily lifting a brow. "What if you were wrong?"

"I'd have called her if you had plans or hung with you if you didn't." She put her sunglasses on. "But I was right and I'll see you around dinner, unless she wants me to babysit with her."

Connor leaned up on his elbow. "I don't think that'd be a good idea on her part, frankly. You and Sarah would nag her about Noah, tag team style. Rach isn't _that _oblivious."

"No, but she might be that _panicky_. I'll keep you posted." She bent to kiss him. "Remind me to play that new song I was talking about. You'd like it." She muzzled his nose. "Love you, babe."

"Love you too, now go help my ex get with her ex."

"Sounds so wrong when you put it that way..." She grabbed her bag and paused. "But hey, no loss for you anyway. You've got me." Lori blew him a kiss.

"That I do." Connor grinned. "Get out of here."

* * *

Noah gestured up at the screen counting down the stops. "We're just about there." _And having you here is fucking weird._

Ilana smiled. "Do we walk by Rachel's? Should we stop to say hi? I'm willing, we shouldn't be rude."

"Ma!" Noah laughed as the train rumbled to a stop. _I thought _I _was bad. _"Because having to get buzzed up by the doorman is casually stopping by. Sure."

"I thought you said he liked you, he wouldn't mind." Ilana nudged him as they exited the train. "Too much?"

_If not, I would've done it by now. _He nodded and ushered them up the stairs. "Way too much. Nice try though."

Ilana sighed. "Fine, fine. Can't blame me for trying."

"No, never, but I also know she's already raw and more than a little mad at me." _Like ready to kill me. _"Probably good to let her chill." _And let _me _chill before I jump her. _He smiled as they hit ground level. "Welcome to New York, ladies."

Ilana and Sarah gazed around.

"I actually kept us on for an extra stop, but this walk is more fun than the other one." He gestured at the storefronts. "More shopping walking this way." _Also known as where I'm gonna send you when I need a breather. _He settled Sarah's duffel over Ilana's rolling carry-on. "Shall we?"

Ilana took Sarah's hand, nodding. "This is - Noah, this is crazy. This is your neighborhood?"

He grinned, nodding. "Yup, it is. And if you want fancy coffee I can take you somewhere. Good Mexican, sit down pubs..." _This city is fucking amazing, and I'm here. I earned this. _"I should take you guys past this building. Maybe later. But it's awesome and it's called The Puck Building."

"Wouldn't it need to be the Puckerman Building? There's no Puck here." The voice came up behind them. "Guessing these would be the fam?"

_So when I wasn't here, Rach was the one who the unverse was mocking._ Noah turned, shaking his head. _Now it's me._"The hell are you doing out? Don't they keep the inmates in the asylum anymore?"

"Yeah, that's why I left my loving boyfriend's arms and am picking up chocolate and going to visit. Nice job, Noah, she called me as soon as she got home after class." Lori approached, holding out a hand to Ilana. "Lori Bernardo, Rach's best friend and Noah's secret champion."

"Ilana Puckerman, Noah's mother." She shook Lori's hand. "And Rachel's mother-in-law someday if I have my way."

"Ma!" _Damn it, relax yourself. _Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "Lor, don't -"

Lori shook her head, smiling as she stepped back. "Admirable goal, and I don't blame you. Just consult with your son though, I'm not a fan of arranged marriages."

Ilana grinned at Lori and nodded at Noah. "Oh, I _do_ like her."

Lori moved to Sarah. "Sarah, I'm guessing? Heard a lot about you from both of them."

Sarah quirked a brow, the Puckerman resemblance shining through. "Really? I don't think Rachel would talk about me. She's got so much going on in her life to think of me, especially with my brother the idiot."

"Don't underestimate yourself, kiddo." Lori leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. "If it wasn't for you, Rachel wouldn't even have _talked _to your brother."

"Ha, I don't even like to talk to my brother all the time." She smirked at Noah. "I don't blame her."

"Oh, right, that's why you ran across Penn Station to hug me," Noah countered. _Don't think I didn't notice._

"Ha! That's only because I wanted to tell you about my very first flight." Sarah made a face.

"Tell yourself whatever you want, rugrat, but I know you love me, that's why you're here." He met her gaze knowingly. _Don't pull the Puckerman attitude, I _perfected _that attitude._

Sarah scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Please, you promised me time with Rachel, that's who I'm here for."

Lori burst out laughing. "Oh, I like you, Sarah. And yes, you were entitled to some Rachel time - that's just why I made sure she talked to him about tonight. You can talk about what a mopey moron he was without her."

"Hey!" Noah drew himself up in mock offense. _I resemble that. _

Sarah shook her hand. "Deal."

Lori nodded and turned back to Noah. "Anyway, dear, I'm off to tend to her. Enjoy the family time." She gave a finger wave and moved past.

_Don't do it, Puckerman..._"Wait - Lori." He cringed even as she spun back.

"Yeah?" She fixed her gaze to his.

_Don't ask about Rachel. _He moistened his lips. _Think fast._ "Where does Connor live?"

Lori chuckled. "The way you and Rach work? Probably down the hall from you. Definitely in the apartments though."

Noah shook his head. "Fucking setup, the whole thing." _Why can't you see it, Rach?_

Ilana pressed a hand to her heart. "Noah! Lang-"

"Language, yeah, Ma, I know." Noah ran a hand over his head. _Sometimes nothing but a curse can do, though..._"Lori's boyfriend, Rachel's ex, is apparently in my vicinity."

Ilana frowned. "This neighborhood. I thought it was bigger than Lima. No?"

"Our litte NYU music world? Nope. Smaller." Lori grinned. "Really nice meeting you guys. I'm sure I'll see you later."

"Do I get a status report later?" He winced as the words left his mouth. _Shit, Puckerman...  
_  
"Absolutely not." Lori kissed his cheek. "But I'm sure the status would be she's a...basket case, maybe? Sound about right?"

He chuckled. "You really do pay attention, huh?" _I think we're _both _fucking lucky to have Lori...  
_  
"If _she _does, _I _do. And that song got right under her skin. Like this one did." She waved again. "Enjoy, guys. And if you seriously want to chill with Connor -"

"No." He held up a hand. _I'm not stupid. Not anymore, anyway._"I'm sure he's cool now with everything, since you guys are cool, but still. Not someone I'm looking for quality time with. Thanks."

Lori giggled. "Unlike Rach, we all know that was a million years ago and another guy. Workin' on convincing her now, babe. Now off for real. Bye!" She continued towards Wooster.

Ilana shook her head. "No wonder why you love it here. You fit right in."

He shrugged, smiling sardonically. "Except the one place I really want to." He smirked. _More like with the one _person_. Got a bunch of _places_ I want to fit her -_ He shook himself. _Don't get ahead of yourself. _"All right, let's get moving."

* * *

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lori flopped on to the couch.

_Do I ever?_ Rachel shook her head. "No, but I simply must. Lor, I just - today it was 'Insecurity', a song where I had to sing over and over -" She cleared her throat and sang shakily. "Don't wanna leave...don't wanna stay...but you tear me up with your insecure ways..." _Why now, Noah, why not then? _She took a shuddering breath before tipping and laying her head in Lori's lap. "I can't handle this. I can't believe I just said that out loud."

Lori chuckled. "Can't? Or don't _want _to?" She leaned down to look Rachel eye to eye. "Because I have a theory."

_Oh, absolutely not. _ Rachel reached up, poking her finger to the middle of Lori's forehead to push her up. "I have had _enough _of everyone's theories, thank you very much. I have a theory of my own." She threw her arm over her eyes. "That if you all would just _leave me alone about it _I might be more at peace." _And if he would somehow drop off the face of the earth..._

"Honey. Darling dear. We _have._ You're hearing this after _how _long?" Lori poked her forehead in return. "And by the way, _you _started going through the care packages. _He _showed up in class and started serenading you at every opportunity. _We_ just tried _not _to get in the middle now that he was here."

_Don't remind me..._Rachel frowned. "Why is he here, Lor? Why New York? There are other conservatories, other schools, closer and more affordable..."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Rach, he _told _you. You really should try to believe him."

_"I did!"_ Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. _I believed _everything _he told me...once upon a time. _"When he said I was amazing, I believed him. When he said Finn and Jesse were fools to let me go, I believed him. And when he said he wanted Quinn, I believed him." _I believed him, I trusted him, just like he wants me to now. _She curled into herself, turning her back to Lori. "There was a lie somewhere, Lor, and it's so much easier to believe I was the lie."

Lori's brows drew together as she nudged her friend. "Why, Rach? Why does it have to be you?"

_It's _always _me. _Rachel took an unsteady breath. "Because if it wasn't me, then I had something perfect and precious, and I didn't fight for it." _I fight for everything else, every silly little thing, but this..._"I didn't push or challenge. I just let it walk out of my life."

* * *

_"How can I just let you walk away - just let you leave without a trace? When I stand here taking every breath with you..." _

**"How about to start?" Swallowing Rachel's whimper as he kissed her, the taste of her drugging him, barely a breath between them until she pushed him away...**

Noah passed his mother the glass of water with a quick frown, shifting uncomfortably. _Throttle back, dude. _"What song is this?"

Ilana changed the channel, pressing her hands to her heart. "Against All Odds, by Phil Collins. Huge in the 80s. I was just flipping -"

_Damn it, Ma..._Hopping over the back of the couch, he snagged the remote and changed it back. "No, leave it. I want to hear it." _I need to._

Ilana quirked a brow. "Really? Eighties music?"

_"You're the only one who really knew me at all..."_

_"Ohhhh..." _Ilana grinned. "Nice addition to your repertoire."

_Fuck, this is good._ He nodded slowly. "I try." _I'm learning._

"Wanna try stocking your fridge? There's nothing for me to drink." Sarah rolled her eyes and squeezed in between her mother and brother.

_And then some things never change. _Noah laughed. "That's actually part of the trip. I wanna take you guys to the Greenmarket, there's a huge grocery store right there too, so we can pick up pop if you need it, Sar."

Sarah scoffed. "I bet _Rachel _has pop."

_Knowing her? _Noah nodded. "I bet you're right. Bet she even remembers your favorite kind."

* * *

"Why do I have to remember everything, Lor? Why?" _Everything he said, everything we did...Every moment, every breath..._Rachel groaned. "If it wasn't so vivid..."

"Right. No. Not an option. And why isn't getting you anywhere either." Lori nudged her again. "The alternatives are it was awesome and he was an ass, or he was an ass and lied the whole time. But you don't get to think it was you, Rach. You let go based on what _he_ said. And he said what he did because he was terrified of what _you_ said." She paused thoughtfully, tapping her chin. "Maybe you two should just be locked in a bedroom. You seem to do better when you're not talking."

"Lor!" Rachel blushed deeply. "Stop it." _Don't remind me, damn it, it's all too easy to lose myself in him...  
_  
"I'm just pointing out facts!" Lori raised a brow. "You're killing yourself over what you _didn't_ say, he's killing himself over what he _did_ say..."

"Or forget about the bedroom -" _In every way..._She shook herself. "We could just be _over_. And lo and behold, actually, we _are_. With a capital O. Not only is he a student and thus off limits, boundaries are established that cannot and will not be compromised, bridges have been burned -"

"Over, huh? You sure about that?" Lori met her gaze skeptically.

_Yes? _Rachel nodded emphatically. "Yes, of course!"_ What is going on? _She rubbed her temple. "I don't - I don't know what you want to hear." _Should the answer be no? _

"The _truth,_ sweetheart." Lori leaned down to speak gently. "_Whatever _it is."

_The truth. What is your truth, Rachel? _She drew in a breath. "We're over. That ship has sailed. Far far away."

"Except, there _is _the fact that he sailed straight to you. As quickly as he could." Lori stroked Rachel's hair gently. "What's that saying? If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back to you it was never yours? Something like that?"

_I had actually managed not to ever think about that saying. _Rachel flopped over to glare at Lori. "Really, Lor? Really?"

Lori raised a brow. "Hey, _you _called _me, _babe. You don't like the service you shouldn't have placed the order."

_I didn't expect this from you! _Rachel rolled her eyes. "I thought my best friend would be comforting. Sympathetic even."

Lori leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Poor baby, you're adored."

_Gee thanks. _Rachel frowned up at her best friend. "I get the feeling there's more to that."

Lori grinned. "Adored by many, including Noah Puckerman."

"Oh, for goodness sake." _I was looking for company and support! _Rachel moved Lori's head and sat up. "There's nothing left, Lori. Even the _songs _he's written were written when we were apart. When there was this romanticized vision of what we should -" _Rachel!_ "I mean _could _have been. But it's been too long, Lori, I can't -"

"You're _sure _of that?" Lori smirked, raising a brow. "Even if the TA thing wasn't there?"

"Lor. I _am_. I can't." _It's too dangerous. _Rachel shook her head. "I can't."

"Well, then I have a project. Come on." Lori stood and held her hand out to Rach. "Time to take care of something."

Rachel put her hand in Lori's hand warily and stood. _I suppose so? _She watched Lori's eyes. _Wait...  
_  
Lori tugged her in the direction of her bedroom.

_Knew it. Damn it. _"Oh, shoot! Lori! I forgot to pick up some po - soda for Sarah. She's very particular about her snacks."

Lori raised a brow. "Really."

Rachel nodded emphatically. "She needs diet Coke, baked Cheetos, and chocolate." _Right. This isn't transparent._

Lori rolled her eyes. "No wonder you two got along. Not to mention a nice dodge."

_Not transparent at all. _Rachel drew herself up. "I don't know what you're talking about."

* * *

"So, what're you talking about?" Sarah glanced between the two of them. "I'm 12 going on 13, you can talk in front of me."

"Talking about 80s music, rugrat, nothing you'd be interested in." _Fuck, she's about to be 13..._Noah shook his head.

She shrugged. "You weren't interested in _life _at my age, you can tell me about a _song."_

"Ouch!" _Even my little sister is brighter than I was. _He shoved at her shoulder. "Mean. I like it."

"So is that why you guys are sending me in?" Sarah raised a brow. "I know I'm not really into fancy restaurants, but you really could've just taken me with you or left me here."

"I'm not leaving you in this dorm by yourself, missy." Ilana folded her arms with a frown. "I don't know where I'd find you again."

Noah and Sarah high-fived. "Still keeping her guessing, rugrat," Noah commented. _Just enough to fuck with her. _"I'm impressed."

"Noah!" Ilana glared. "Don't you encourage this behavior."

"Ma. She's still aceing school. Give her a longer leash." He slung his arm around her shoulder. "She's a good kid, unlike me." _And thank fuck for that._

_"Your _leash was too long, hers is too short." Their mother scoffed. "I don't know what you want from me, but I'm not looking to get a grandchild from the _younger _one."

_"Ma!"_ Sarah made a face. "No way. Not interested. I'd be at someone's house watching a movie or playing video games. That's it."

"That's it for _now, _wait till you're 13. It all changes." Ilana rolled her eyes. "Fine, all right, we'll work out a better schedule."

"Cool." Sarah looked at her mother expectantly. "So what am I supposed to tell Rachel?"

Ilana tucked Sarah in to kiss her head. "Nothing you don't want to. If you think your brother is a jerk, tell her so." She grinned. "She'll probably agree with you and it might even be helpful."

"Ma!" Noah shook his head. _You're probably right, but no. _He turned to his sister. "Sarah, you're just gonna hang out with Rachel. Don't stress about anything else. Ma wouldn't have left you here by yourself, and you might be bored out of your mind over dinner."

She shrugged. "Guess that's fair. I didn't really wanna get dressed up anyway. Just wanted to know if there was an agenda."

"The only agenda is to have fun. Seriously." _Any other agendas are mine. _He changed to Real Housewives with a grimace and turned over the remote. "Which is more than I can say is going to happen in the next few hours."

* * *

"You really _can _do this for hours, can't you?" Lori shook her head slowly, watching Rachel flit from aisle to aisle.

Rachel frowned deeply. _I could and I will if I have to. _"Well, I don't know whether I should go with the bad snacks, or the good ones. I would usually, knowing Ilana, go for the good snacks, and the occasional chocolate covered strawberry binge. But now that I'm here, I would actually just go for the chocolate covered strawberries, a pint of frozen yogurt and those baked Cheetos."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters, Lor, I don't want to be a bad influence!" Rachel huffed. "I _also _don't want to be babysitting." _You know what? Maybe I _should_ be a bad influence. The Anti-Rachel._ "I'm getting the chocolate dip and some strawberries."

Lori giggled. "Honey, get whatever you want. You don't have to cater to Sarah's every whim. She's what, twelve now? I think she'll survive."

"No, I know she'll survive. Sarah Puckerman is no wilting flower. But she also gets lost in the shuffle sometimes." She sighed. _I know how that feels. _"I'm sure it's gotten better now that she's essentially an only child, but I -" Rachel tossed a back of baked white Cheddar Cheetos in the basket along with the crunchy ones. "I tend to spoil her a little bit. And I like to. So it matters."

Lori shook her head. "I should never underestimate you. I was going to tease you, tell you it was all for Noah, to not make a bad impression. Of course it was actually about Sarah."

_Hey! _Rachel drew herself up. _Give me _some _credit. _"Of _course _it was. You should know that by now. I don't want to care enough about Noah to want to impress him. But Sarah, I'd like to keep my upper echelon status with."

"Rach." Lori grabbed a different jar of chocolate sauce. "Don't forget ice cream."

* * *

Noah strummed the guitar, frowning slightly. _Melody is almost there..._

"Are you really teaching yourself Phil Collins by ear?" Ilana shook her head. "Sweetheart, just download the sheet music. It'll be a gift. This is insanity."

"Why's that?" Sarah popped her head over the back of the couch, glancing into the kitchen at the adults. "He's not doing _so_ bad."

Ilana chuckled. "No, you're right about that, my heart. He's not. He's just making things tougher on himself than they need to be."

Sarah rolled her eyes, dropping back down. "Who cares? He always does that."

Ilana and Noah laughed. "She's got your number, kiddo."

_Yeah, no joke. _Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his head. "Am I - Ma, am I crazy to think we can get through this? Is there anything left here or am I just wasting my time?"

"Noah." Ilana took his hands, squeezing gently. "If I thought you were wasting your time, would we all be here supporting you? Look at all these people around. Obviously there's something here. The fact that she's avoiding you _tells _you there's something there."

He nodded. "Lori said the same thing. I guess I didn't think about it." _I just see her running away._

"Sweetheart. She still has a reaction to you." Ilana caught his eyes intently. "And there's a thin line between love and hate. You just keep showing her who you are, and one of two things happens. She either realizes you are worth it, or you realize she's _not._"

_What the fuck? _Noah glared. "Ma!" _Not even fucking close._

"Hey!" Sarah's head popped over the back of the couch. "I may be a kid, but I know better than that. Rachel is awesome."

Ilana looked at her daughter. "Rachel is also terrified of caring about your brother. He was an idiot, and she's not so used to that. It's tough for her to believe he's _not _an idiot."

Sarah raised a brow. "That's because he _is _an idiot, it's just a question of how much of an idiot he is."

"Wise beyond your years, munchkin. Something like that." _Fuck...she's..._exactly_ like that._ Noah shook his head. "She's right, Ma."

"All right, fine, then she needs to accept you're an idiot who's smart enough to know and value the fact that you love her. How's that?" Ilana shrugged. "Whatever it is, it needs to happen. Or _not _happen. But she keeps you away, you just sit back and pine, nobody does anything, and you'll both go crazy. _Enough _already."

"Yes, ma'am." He smothered a grin. _I couldn't agree more._

"Good." She pointed a finger at him. "Now don't let me have more than one drink at dinner, or I'll end up telling the entire restaurant that."

He nodded, wiping his hands on his thighs as he looked at the clock. _Is it 6:30 yet?_

* * *

_**Later Friday night...**_

Rachel dipped a strawberry in, spinning it through chocolate before laying it on the wax paper to dry. "These had better be good." _I need everything to just go smoothly._

"You mean you didn't try them?" Will shook his head, handing Rachel a glass of wine. "Isn't that the first thing you should do before chocolate coating them?"

_Under normal circumstances..._Rachel shrugged lightly. "I...may not have been thinking entirely clearly when we undertook this project."

"Translation - anything she could do to keep me from dragging her down memory lane, she did." Lori rolled her eyes and dunked a strawberry in the chocolate sauce. "I say we're good."

_Right. That. Thank you, Lori. _Rachel took a sip of wine and dipped her own strawberry. "Mmm, okay, I think you're right." Taking another swipe at the chocolate, she nodded. "Daddy, where's Dad?"

Will chocolate coated a strawberry for himself, sampling with a smile. "He said he might be late, that's why the reservations are at 7. Want to go peek down the hall, maybe he'll surprise you?"

Rachel giggled, heading for the entrance. _If only I had that kind of power over the universe..._"Oh, I'm sure I could just conjure him from thin air. Here, et voila!" She threw the door open.

Noah blinked, shaking his head. _Strawberries, chocolate, wine, and the overwhelming urge to kiss her until we both can't breathe. Familiar territory. _"Rachel..." He held out the daffodils. "These are for you."

"At least I was semi-prepared for you to show up tonight," she muttered, plastering a smile on her face as she accepted the flowers. _Though I wouldn't have minded had you canceled. _"Daddy, company!" She turned back around. "Mrs. Puckerman, it's been a while."

"Hello, Rachel!" Ilana kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry we're early, and we would've buzzed you, but -"

"But Michael loves Noah and let you come up to surprise us." _Dare I inquire who asked to do it? _Rachel rolled her eyes at him. "I should have guessed." She cleared her throat. "Thank you for the flowers, Noah. And where is -"

"Rachel!" Sarah ran off of the elevator. "There were a bunch of people, they didn't want to wait."

_Why am I not surprised. _She grinned. "Sarah." She set her wineglass and bouquet on the sideboard. "Hi, sweetheart."

Noah looked over at Will, Dan and Lori while Rachel and Sarah embraced. "Hey Lori."

Lori crossed to him. "Hey yourself." She kissed his cheek, talking low. "She's shaky, but holding. Avoided your care packages today. And nearly had a breakdown that she wouldn't have the right snacks for Sarah."

He shook his head. "Sarah's so excited to see her, she didn't have to do a thing." He cleared his throat as Rachel walked in to set the flowers on the table. _She never did. _"You look gorgeous as always, Rach."

"I don't think that's - ow!" Rachel glared at Lori, who grinned unabashedly. _Should not have called you. _"Thank you, Noah," she managed. She smoothed a hand down her boatneck top, standing slightly straighter. "And you look handsome yourself. That suit reminds me of..." _Another lifetime._

* * *

**Rachel smoothed his tie, stepping back. "If we're going on aesthetics, the other choirs should go home. Spring suits for the gentlemen, pretty pastels for the women, and our choir is a force to be reckoned with. Not to mention that we're talented and passionate - "**

**Smirking, he turned to grab her by the waist. "Yeah, well if we're going on looks, they shoulda left when you walked in. Fuck the rest of us, you look edible."**

**"Noah!" Rachel blushed. "Thank you."**

**"No, thank you for being so fucking hot." He leaned down to kiss her. "No matter what happens, you and I are gonna celebrate later, okay?" He wagged his eyebrows at her. "I'll arrange a little somethin' somethin'."**

**She nodded, kissing him back and nipping at his lip. "I hope to have something better to celebrate than surviving Jesse."**

**"You do. You." He turned her to face the mirror. "Fucking gorgeous, talented, sexy as shit. Anyone who doesn't get it is an asshole."**

**She smiled at his reflection. "Thank you, Noah. Now let's go kick some Vocal Adrenaline ass."**

* * *

Noah nodded, holding her gaze. _I know, it's why I got it._ "Thanks."

Rachel cleared her throat, flushing. _Damn it, Noah, don't look at me like that._ "So, apparently my father is running late, feel free to take a seat. We have white wine open if you'd like?"

Will emerged with the bottle and two glasses. "Hello, Noah. Ilana, it's been too long." He kissed her cheek. "And hello, Sarah. I haven't seen you since temple."

"Hi, Mr. Berry. Thank you for having me." Sarah smiled sweetly as Noah and Ilana laughed.

"Save that angelic act for later, you might not want to leave and you need to have something in the arsenal," Noah teased. _Since I sure as shit can't help persuade anyone. _"Here, let me get those, Will." He grabbed a glass of white wine for his mother while Will poured the other.

"Sarah, the Diet Coke is in the fridge - still four ice cubes?" Rachel snatched her glass from the side table and moved towards the kitchen. _Allow me to get away from your brother - I mean to get you some pop..._

"Yup!" She stuck her tongue out at Noah and followed Rachel through the condo.

"Well. Do I go in there or stay out here?" Lori looked back at the Puckermans and Will.

Will chuckled. "Go. I'll entertain."

Lori saluted and followed them into the kitchen.

Ilana looked in the direction they exited. "You're right about Rachel, she's a tough cookie." She took a sip of her wine. _"You_ could've made life easier." She turned a hard gaze to her son.

_Like I don't know it? _Noah accepted his glass with a smile. "As Sarah said, idiot. I didn't know any better. I'm _trying _now."

* * *

"So, is it time to try the strawberries?" Lori eyed the cookie sheet on the counter. "Rach made them especially for you, Sarah."

"Thanks, Rachel!" Sarah snatched one up.

Rachel tucked her hair behind her ear. "Well, it's fun. And I like to." _For someone who appreciates it._

Sarah beamed. "It's because I'm the good Puckerman. Ma's too nosy and Noah's a boy." She refilled her soda. "And thanks for -" - she wrinkled her nose - "- babysitting."

Rachel shook her head, grabbing the tray. "Not at all. I just consider it hanging out with a friend." She smiled. "And actually, thank _you _for getting me out of dinner with your brother!" _Seriously. Thank you._

"He's an idiot." She plucked a strawberry off of the sheet. "You deserve better anyway."

_Well. Maybe this evening will go better than I thought. _Rachel raised a brow at Lori, nodding. "Thank you, Sarah."

"No problem!" Sarah took a bite, grinning. "This is awesome."

* * *

Dan opened the front door, exhaling heavily. "Oh, you're all here!" He smiled widely. "Perfect, give me two minutes. I'm itching for a glass of - well, never mind."

Will clinked glasses with his husband. "You take your time, we're all entertained."

"All?" Dan flopped on the couch, peering around. "Where's Rachel?"

_Hiding. _Noah nodded towards the kitchen. "She and Lori are hanging with Sarah. Something about chocolate covered strawberries."

"Chocolate covered - Rachel!"

* * *

_I know what that means. _Rachel giggled. "Dad's home. And someone told him there are strawberries." She took a sip of her wine and snagged another strawberry. "Hi, Dad."

Dan peered in the door. "Gimme."

_I love it. _Rachel handed off the fruit and raised a brow at Sarah. "Told you."

Sarah shook her head. "I thought you were only that way with me and my dumb brother. You know _everyone _that well. Don't you have a hard time remembering all that for everyone? Can I have another?"

Grabbing a strawberry, Rachel handed it to Sarah, shrugging lightly. _I pay attention. _"I only trouble myself for special people, people I love."

Lori and Dan exchanged a smile.

* * *

"Should we get going for dinner?" Will glanced up at the clock. "Give Rachel and Sarah some quality time."

The buzzer rang. "Miss Rachel -"

Rachel clapped her hands. "Dinner!" She moved to the intercom. "Buzz them up, Michael - Lombardi's, right?"

"Yes, Miss Rachel. He's on his way."

Rachel turned to glare at her fathers. "Don't even think about staying. You have reservations. Sarah and I are going to destroy this pie all by ourselves. Fresh garlic on top."

Lori giggled, following her into the living room. "Well, I'm gonna get out of here. If I'm gonna smell like fresh garlic, it's gonna be accompanied by vinegar and pork. Good night everyone, Mrs. Puckerman, Sarah, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Lori, you have a good night." Ilana stood and gathered their abandoned wine glasses. "Daniel, you go change, William, Noah and I can take care of this."

Rachel kissed Lori's cheek. "You rock, bestie."

Lori rolled her eyes. "You say that 'cause I gave you a breather."

"And I needed it. Thank you." She pulled her hand from behind her back, a small takeout box in hand. "Here, I gave you a few strawberries. Sarah and I will make more, there's pizza to be had while the chocolate sets up."

Lori smiled. "Thanks, Rach. Sarah, have a great night, don't let her make you watch musicals all night unless you want to."

Sarah laughed. "Yes ma'am."

"Oh, gosh. I'm not old enough to be a ma'am, am I?" Lori looked in the mirror in mock horror.

Sarah laughed harder as the doorbell rang.

"Pizza!" Rachel dropped the box in Lori's hand and snatched her bag from the side table. She pulled her wallet out and opened the door. "Cory!"

"Hey Rach." Her ex smiled. "A margherita with fresh garlic and a salad?"

"That'd be us." She counted out her cash. _Of all the delivery men in all the world..._

"Who's this?" Sarah appeared at her elbow.

_As expected. _"Cory was a classmate of mine at Juilliard." She turned back to him, handing him the bills. "Keep the change. How is senior year going?" _I almost miss it, all things considered._

He smiled, handing off the pizzas and kissing her cheek. "It's going well, not as good without the great Rachel Berry but -"

"Don't you have other pizzas to deliver?" Sarah stepped up to the doorway.

"Sarah!" Ilana put a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"I actually _asked _for this delivery, since I knew it was Rachel. So no other pizzas for me, thanks for being worried." Cory caught Rachel's eye, the question in the lift of his brows.

_This should be fun to explain. _Rachel drew a deep breath. "Cory, this is Sarah and Ilana Puckerman, they're -"

"Friends from Lima." _I gotta get points for the save. _Noah held out his hand. "Noah Puckerman."

Rachel turned at Lori's touch. "Oh, Lor, I'm sorry, you're leaving." She gave her a quick kiss on the cheek again. _This is spiraling out of control, quickly._

"I'm leaving, and so is everyone else, right guys?" Lori raised a brow at Noah, holding it until he released Cory's hand.

Will followed Lori's gaze. "Yes, we're all ready to go, thanks."

_Please, so I can breathe. _Rachel turned to Cory. "I'm so sorry, give me just a second." She moved into the kitchen to set the pizzas down.

Ilana glared at Sarah, giving Cory her back. "You _behave_. I know you like Rachel for Noah. Be more subtle."

Sarah nodded, pouting. "Sorry, Ma."

"Don't be _sorry_ - do better. You're our ace in the hole." Ilana winked and kissed her quickly. "Rachel, thanks again!"

"No problem, Mrs. Puckerman." Rachel emerged from the kitchen. "We'll watch some movies, eat some real New York pizza. It will be quite enjoyable for us both." _Now you're free to go. _

"Still, thanks," Noah replied. "We won't be out all night." _I need some time to try to bug you, after all._

Rachel winked at Sarah. "You could be." _She and I would go to sleep and I wouldn't have to see you until Monday._

Sarah giggled while the crowd moved to the door, Cory standing off to the side.

Lori kissed Rachel's cheek, shaking her head. "Looks like a receiving line at a wedding. Call me later, babe. Bye, Cory."

"Bye, Lori." He waved, raising a brow at Rachel.

Rachel flushed. "Thanks for the comparison, Lor." _Really, could it be more awkward?_

Lori winked mischievously. "Callin' it like I see it as always."

_Well, could you put on different glasses? _Rachel rolled her eyes as Ilana approached. "I'll see you later, Mrs. Puckerman."

Ilana nodded, grabbing Rachel's hands. "Thank you, Rachel. For everything you do for my family."

Rachel swallowed hard. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean." _You can't possibly be saying -_

"And I'm sure you do." She leaned in to kiss her cheek. "You gave me my son," she murmured softly.

Rachel inhaled sharply. _You will not cry, Rachel Berry. You will not._ "I didn't -"

Ilana shook her head, smiling. "You did. You gave him reason to be the best parts of himself. Anyway, enough. Your pizza is getting cold." She stepped back, waving Sarah over.

Noah watched Cory and the parade past Rachel, frowning quickly when his mother leaned in. _What did you say? Damn it, Ma, she looks like she's gonna cry..._

Will and Dan enveloped her in a hug. "Breathe, Rach," Will murmured. "You're all right."

_No, no, I'm not. _She squeezed herself tighter into the circle of their arms. _Everyone - everyone sees, everyone knows..._"I - I don't -"

Dan kissed her head. "That was Ilana being heartfelt. It's how she feels. You just say thank you and have a good night, all right?"

She nodded dumbly as they parted. _That's essentially all that I'm capable of right now..._

Noah wiped his palms in his pockets. _Don't push her right now, Puckerman. Do not. _He licked his lips and advanced.

_Please, don't. _Rachel drew a shuddering breath. "Noah..."

"Have fun with Sarah, Rach. And thanks." He kissed her cheek softly, lingering a heartbeat to inhale her scent. _For everything. Even the stuff you don't realize. _He exhaled and straightened. "See you later."

Rachel inhaled unsteadily, nodding. "Have -" She cleared her throat. _Get a hold of yourself. _"Have fun, Sarah and I have some chick flicks to enjoy and pizza to devour."

"Enjoy, baby girl." Will ushered them out the door.

Rachel turned to Cory. "I'm _so _sorry, Cory, do you want to catch the elevator with them?" _No need to waste any more of your time with the insanity I call my life._

Cory shook his head. "That guy looks like he wants to kill me. And I think he could."

Sarah burst into laughter. "Maybe you're not as -" She broke off at Rachel's warning look. "- oblivious as I thought."

* * *

"Didn't we agree to subtlety, Noah?" Ilana shook her head. "Between you and your sister, Rachel will never speak to you!"

Lori snorted. "I know we just met, Mrs. Puckerman, but you have to know your kids. They're bulldozers."

Ilana rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it, they do as they please and damn the consequences."

_The universe really _does _mock me. _Noah looked from one to the other, frowning. "You sure you're both on my side?"

Will laughed, clapping Noah's shoulder. "Son, your mother is just looking out for you. And Sarah is a handful, you know that as well as anyone. Rachel's guard is high right now. Let her have the night with Sarah and we'll see where we're at after that."

Noah nodded. "Yeah, I figured. I just - I couldn't -" _She was right there, and he was -_

"There was a guy around, you needed to puff your feathers." Lori raised a brow. "Did I miss anything?"

"Yeah, actually." Noah swallowed. _Don't ask, Puckerman, don't you - _"Who was that guy, anyway?"

* * *

"So, tell me everything. Do you want water? A slice?" Rachel smiled widely. _I can't believe you're here, and when Noah's here too._

Cory chuckled. "I wish. I do have to get back in a few. I just figured I'd catch up. You have company, though."

Sarah grinned. "Yup, she does."

_Barbra, give me strength. _Rachel turned her smile to her young charge. "Sarah, do you want to start dipping the strawberries? Just put the chocolate dip in the microwave and I'll be in there when it's done."

Sarah frowned quickly. "Chocolate wins," she muttered.

Rachel exhaled as Sarah left the room. _And momentary peace achieved._ "Sorry about that, about all of it."

Cory held up a hand. "Rach, don't sweat it. High school boyfriend or something?"

_He should have been._ Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. _What was that?_ "Or something."

* * *

"The usual Rachel MO. Guy dug her like crazy and she wanted nothing to do with him. They finally kinda dated for a bit, nothing serious." Lori punched him in the arm. "After Connor, Rach's affections remained firmly with Tony."

"Tony?" _Are you _kidding _me? _Noah clenched his fists. "Who the fuck is -"

"And Oscar. Geez, Puckerman. Get a grip. Tonys. Oscars. Awards. _Career_." Lori's expression was smug. "This is still Rachel Berry you're dealing with."

* * *

"And you, Cory? How has this year been?" Rachel folded her hands on the table. _Remind me of when life wasn't always so dramatic..._

He shrugged, smiling sheepishly. "Not the same without you. But we're good! J is keeping us on our toes, and I'm looking at teaching, I think."

"That's fantastic! You'll be wonderful, Cory, you have a great perspective on musicianship and a real way with people." She squeezed his hand. "I'm thrilled for you." _What a straightforward, lovely existence..._

He chuckled. "Nothing compared to what you've accomplished, Rach. You're pretty remarkable."

_Not another one._ Rachel moistened her lips. "Cory -"

The microwave beeped, Sarah scampering across the floor. "Rachel! Chocolate's done."

"Saved by the bell and the mini-matchmaker." Cory stood, taking her hand and tugging her up. "I see I'm not the only one who hasn't forgotten you."

_I knew it, Noah must've done some territorial thing..._Rachel grimaced. "Oh, Cory, I'm -"

He shook his head. "Relax. I've actually got a girlfriend." He grinned. "She'd love to hear me say that. Anyway, I'm good. And you've got your hands full already."

_You're telling me. _Rachel sighed, glancing towards the kitchen. "I should have anticipated her. She may not like her brother all the time, but she wouldn't mind seeing us together."

"Can you blame her?" He moved to the door. "Nice meeting you, Sarah."

"You too, Cory." Sarah turned a bright smile to him. "You're a smart guy."

_So much for hoping she wasn't listening at the door._ "Good night, Cory. Sarah and I are due for some...quality time." She raised a brow at the observing tween.

Sarah ducked back into the kitchen, turning her back to the door.

"You really can't blame her, Rach. Just -" Cory shrugged. "Don't settle if he's not what you want."

"He's not," she said quickly. "You don't know the story, but rest assured that ship has sailed, capsized, sunk, and disintegrated." _A long time ago. _

"You might think so, but you might want to check out flower meanings if that bouquet on the table is from him." Cory kissed her cheek. "Take care, Rachel. See you on Broadway."

"Thanks, Cory. Best of luck." Rachel closed the door behind him. _You and me, mini Puckerman._

* * *

"This place is lovely!" Ilana sat, looking at the rich wood and high ceilings. "All the murals, the architecture...It's like an old English manor or something."

Will smiled. "I'm glad you like it. When you said fancy New York, there's nothing better than the Plaza and Central Park at night. Sorry, no carriage ride - we object. If you and Noah want to though, you're more than welcome to after dinner."

"What do you object to? I haven't really been around here yet," Noah confessed. _Been a little preoccupied._

"The treatment of the carriage horses is just hideous. Of course it was Rachel who told us." Dan laughed, turning to Will. "Do you still have her list?"

"What list? Thank you." Ilana smiled as their server filled their water glasses.

Noah held up a hand. "Of what to do and not do in New York City, right?"_ I remember it..._

"That's it exactly." Will shook his head. "She must've been working on it since -"

"Junior year." Noah forced a casual shrug. _I wish I didn't know that._ "She started before that but got really serious about it when..."

* * *

**"What are you doing?" Puck dropped into the seat next to her in the library.**

**"What are **_**you **_**doing, Noah? I didn't even think you knew where the library was." Rachel frowned, glaring at the books in front of her.**

**_The fuck is your deal? _He shrugged. "I _don't_. I was looking for _you."_**

**She flushed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Well, as you can see, I'm busy."**

**"Yeah, I see." _'Cause this is more fun than you and me in that closet in the back of the school..._He spun the piece of paper in front of her around. "Things to do in New York? Going somewhere?"**

**She snatched it back, placing it between others on the table. "I _am,_ as a matter of fact. Someday, sometime. I want to be prepared."**

**_Fuck this shit. _He leaned down, trying to catch her eyes. _Look at me, goddamn it. _"Rach, what's going on? I know you said to go to -"**

**"Noah, I _told_ you. You have a chance with Quinn. You should take it. You said this was no strings. Take your chance." Her gaze stayed steady on her notes.**

**"Shhhhh. This is a library, not the study hall." The librarian frowned over from the desk.**

**Rachel clenched her jaw, looking up at him quickly. "Noah, just let it go."**

**_Not a fucking chance. _He stood, moving behind her and leaning in to whisper in her ear. "No. We're not done. I'll see you tonight." _We'll make up for lost time._**

**A visible tremor ran through her. "Noah -"**

**_You're not getting out of this. _He murmured wickedly. "I _know_ your dads are out of town, Rach, we already made plans." **_**To have you scream down the house, that is. **_**"I intend to keep them. I'll see you later."**

**Rachel set her shoulders, hissing her response. "I'm not going to let you in, Noah. Don't bother."**

**_Yeah, we'll see. _"I'll be there anyway. I'll throw rocks at your window if I have to. I'll wait all fucking night." He straighted and walked away.**

* * *

_And then she told me she loved me and I ran like a pussy and fucked it all up. _He shook himself. "When I, uh..." He cleared his throat.

"Ah." Dan waved his hand. "We can guess. So yes, a list of everything. And top of the don't list was carriage rides. She'd loved the idea and went to Google for prices, and happened on a website listing accidents, maltreatment, animals dropping of heatstroke. We never have."

Ilana frowned, shaking her head. "Oh, that's horrible! I went once a long time ago but never again."

"Good thing it wasn't on my to-do list for me and Rach," Noah teased. _So far the list is, go on _a _date. Just _one_ would be an accomplishment._

* * *

"So, what would you like to do while we eat? Just sit in the kitchen or start a movie?" _I wouldn't mind enjoying the silence. _Rachel disposed of the salad plates, getting fresh ones from the cabinet and the pizza from the low oven. "I'm willing to go with whatever you'd like -"

"Wanna talk about Noah?"

" - except that." Rachel shook her head and handed Sarah a plate. _Nice try, though. _"You're relentless, has anyone ever told you that?"

"Umm..." Sarah took a sip of her soda. "I don't think so. But I don't think there's been a reason for me to be." She grinned.

_She doesn't know anything, Rachel. You were there, then you weren't. _"Sarah, I know you have no idea what went on with Noah and I -"

"He was an ass. That's what he says. And knowing my brother, I believe that. But he's actually really not an ass. And you know that. Everyone else is dancing around you, and Ma would be pissed, but just to put it out there. He's a good guy, and you should give him a shot." She held up the small container of garlic. "So, how do we do this?"

_He says? He freely talks about that? To his family, no less?_ Rachel took a shaky breath. "Let me amend that to ruthless." She took a small scoop of the fresh garlic, sprinkling across her slice and then tapping a bite's worth onto Sarah's. "Try first."

* * *

"What _is _first on that list, Mr. Puckerman?" Will raised a brow as their server left with the orders. "Best be something good."

"Whatever she'll let me do, honestly. I want to take her out on a real date, somewhere she'd like. Lombardi's if she wants, and I'd stand in line with her for an hour, easy. It'd mean she'd actually have to talk to me." Noah shrugged. "I don't know, it's like I don't want to jinx it by being too specific, really." _It gets more and more out of reach every day anyway. _

Will chuckled. "Sorry to put you on the spot there, and I like how you think."

"I'm just happy I'm in a position to -" He shrugged again. "Well, to force her to listen to me. Even if she doesn't respond, she hears me, and that's enough for a while." He smirked to himself. _Until I transfer and then _really _go after her. _"I know it's getting to her, and I kind of feel bad, but she's -"

"A brick wall." Dan rolled his eyes. "Believe me, we know. We live with her. She's been dramatically non-communicative for most of her natural life."

"Someone got frantic when she wouldn't give us a hint what was wrong." Will smirked at them, pointing at Dan behind his hand in mock-secret.

Dan snorted. "Someone _else _would offer her a bottle, each of her toys, and even a diaper to try to gauge her reaction."

Will pouted playfully. _"Whomever_ started or was worse, she learned that _not_ saying anything was an even better way to get attention."

"But, being Rachel, she always _had _something to say." Dan shrugged. "And so she worked hard at not listening, shutting people out..."

Will sighed. "I knew it'd be an issue someday, but she needed to develop freely. I would push, but I wouldn't force. And now she's dealing with it, slowly but surely."

* * *

"Hey, slow down!" Rachel giggled as Sarah went back for a third slice. "There are strawberries too, don't give yourself a stomach ache." _Though it might serve Noah right to have to deal with you all night..._

"No, I know..." Sarah sprinkled a generous helping of fresh garlic on the slice. "I just know pizza isn't this good back home." She paused, frowning at Rachel. "I guess this _is_ home for you now, though."

_**Noah tumbling her onto the bedroom floor, buttons flying in his impatience  
**__**Drawing him down on the bed, his mouth hot and hungry on hers**_

She shook herself. "Yes, Sarah. This is home." _It has to be. Lima isn't safe for me anymore._ Licking her lips, she closed the pizza box. "So what did you want to watch?"

Sarah shrugged. "Really up to you and the cable box. My friends aren't really movie people, Ma doesn't have time to watch with me, and you've met my brother."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Once or twice." _Fortunately or _un_fortunately..._

* * *

"This is delicious. Thank you for suggesting it." Ilana took the last spoonful of soup and smiled. "Wouldn't mind doing this more than once in a blue moon."

Noah raised a brow. "Then you're gonna have to fly, because I can't imagine a universe where Rachel comes back to Lima." _I kinda made sure of that._

Ilana sighed. "I know. We'll have to get frequent flier miles for you."

Noah shrugged. "Sorry, Ma."_ But it's worth it to be this close to her._

She waved a hand. "Don't be sorry, tell us all about your classes, tell me how you're taking NYU by storm." She smiled as the table was cleared.

He chuckled. "That'd be Rach taking the school by storm, but Lori's pretty awesome on the senior year end of the composition major, and I'm the new kid. Performed in class a couple of times though." _Thanks to Professor Greene._ "The professor is kind of weird like that - she's determined to use the class to actually, y'know, _help_ us. That's how I've got Rach listening to my songs - she has us perform every Friday, like a workshop."

"That's fantastic, Noah," Dan enthused. "Rachel is going through the care packages, you know."

"Whichever ones she _kept_, that is," Noah remarked. "Not sure how many ended up in the garbage." _Unopened, unheard..._

Will and Dan frowned at each other. "Really?" Will's brows furrowed as he looked at Noah. "You _really_ don't know? Noah, she hasn't thrown a single thing away. Not even the pomegranate seeds. _She kept the empty bag."_

"She - she did? Everything? Like, really, everything?" _I would've thought she'd gotten rid of at least some of it. Even if not at first..._

"Everything, Noah. Two archival quality boxes under the bed everything." Dan took a sip of his wine. "And the occasional temper tantrum that she can't bring herself to throw it away."

Noah grinned. "Sounds good to me." _I'm in your head..._

* * *

"So flip channels or go through the DVD collection?" Rachel settled into the couch next to Sarah. _Something to get me out of my head..._

"Huh?" Sarah plucked a strawberry from the plate on the coffee table. "For the movie?"

"Mm-hmm." Rachel picked up chocolate covered treat for herself, eyes darting to and from the vase. _Those flowers..._"Let's check what's on." She smiled. "Leave it to Friday night television to give us great movie choices. We've got 10 Things I Hate About You on 749 and Reality Bites on 752..."

Frowning, Sarah nodded towards the TV. "What's Reality Bites?"

"Done." Rachel grinned. "It's oft-missed in a young chick's development." She caught Sarah's eyes playfully, winking. "You're almost 13, right? In May?" _And it's edited for television..._

Sarah nodded excitedly. "I am! Would you come back for my bat mitzvah if I have one? Ma doesn't know if it's worth it, and Noah wasn't really interested..."

_Back to Lima?_ Rachel swallowed as her mouth went dry. "I, um, I don't know, Sarah. It depends on my schedule and everything. But how about we throw on a movie and have some strawberries. We'll deal with that later."

"Okay." Sarah picked up her glass. "But I need a refill."

Rachel giggled. "Of course you do." She took the empty from Sarah's outstretched hand. "I'll fill you up on ice and we'll watch." _And I won't think, I'll just enjoy the peace and quiet._

* * *

"Thank you." Ilana took another sip of wine. "I really shouldn't have another, but we're not driving, right?"

Noah smirked. "Nah, not even close, but don't start planning a wedding at the top of your lungs, okay?" _No jinxing, damn it._

Ilana laughed, slapping his arm. "No, I'm sure Rachel has that in her grand master plan. Except that you threw that list out the window for her."

_Fuck, that's probably true. I threw her entire damn life plan off track. No wonder she doesn't want anything to do with me. _Noah took a deep drink of his scotch.

Will reached out to pat Noah on the back. "She needed it to be thrown, Ilana, and while she's young enough to roll with the punches." He squeezed Noah's shoulder. "Doesn't mean I didn't want to punch him when I first saw him -"

"And I would've deserved it." Noah shrugged, studying his glass. "I _knew _I did." _I knew better but I just fucking couldn't help myself._

"Is that why you pushed her?" Will's brows furrowed as he considered Noah. "Was that what you were waiting for? For her to rip into you?"

"Maybe?" Noah shrugged again. _That makes a fucked up sort of sense._ "I guess I just couldn't stay away, but I couldn't get too close, and it got all..."

"Fucked." Ilana said the word with relish. "Fucked, fucked, fucked."

Dan removed the glass of wine from her place setting. "Mm-hmm. No more wine for you." He exhaled as the plates approached. "Look, dinner is served."

* * *

**"Don't dick around with **_**her**_** or...or with **_**me**_**...I mean, **_**try**_** at something for once in your life. Do something about it, but you know what? You better do it now, and you better do it **_**fast, **_**because the world doesn't owe you any favors." **

Rachel clutched her pillow, Lanie's pain striking her. _Maybe I should have gone with 10 Things..._

"What an asshole!" Sarah turned to Rachel, an outraged expression on her face. "How could he go from...from like, being with his best friend to some random chick? He says all of that screwed up stuff and just disappears and -"

Rachel reached for the remote. _Thank goodness._ "I'll change it, Sarah. It's -"

"But wait! How does it end? What happens?" Sarah's gaze went wide with panic. "We have to!"

* * *

"I really like this place." Ilana sat back in her chair. "Looks intimidating, but it's old New York. And the food is delicious."

Dan smiled. "Oh, I'm so glad, Ilana. I can only hope the girls are having as good a night."

"Are you kidding?" Noah shook his head, slicing his steak. "The two of them? If Sarah could, she'd lock us all out to stay with Rach." _Which is why she's perfect to convince Rach to give me a chance._

"Well, that's not happening." Will took a piece of Dan's chicken, sliding his husband a bit of duck in return. "We've got plans tomorrow. And how about you all? What's the plan for the weekend?"

Noah looked at Ilana, shrugging. "Well, we were gonna give Long Beach a shot sometime, and we've still got a lot of the touristy stuff to do. I'm thinking maybe we'll do the beach on Sunday, run around tomorrow, and then Monday morning they're back at the airport." _And life goes back to normal..._

Ilana pouted at Noah. "Leaving you behind." She looked him over thoughtfully, glancing at Will and Dan. "But not alone."

Noah shook his head, smiling at the men across the table. "Not even close." _And hopefully plus one. Soon._

* * *

"But -" Rachel swallowed, seeing the pleading look in Sarah's eyes. _I know that look. She's hooked. I can't change it. _She shook her head and held out her arm. "Come here. It's going to be okay, I promise." _At least for you, it will be..._

Sarah curled into her side with a grin. "No one cuddles with me anymore."

Rachel froze. _Oh, you idiot. _"I'm sorry, Sarah, is that -"

"No!" Sarah leaned her head on Rachel's shoulder, laughing as Vickie remarked on Troy's character. "I like it. I missed it."

_I think I did too. _Rachel smiled, pressing her cheek to Sarah's head. "Well, I hope you're having fun."

"I am!" Sarah paused the movie, turning around to talk to Rachel. "I'm having so much fun. I had New York City pizza, I'm hanging with you, there are chocolate covered strawberries and pop, and a good movie I'd never have seen on TV. I'd stay if I could."

Rachel brushed quickly at her eyes and glanced up at the clock. "They're probably only halfway through dinner, so we have movie time and then maybe frozen yogurt." _And then this all fades into memory. _

Sarah grinned. "I like it." She snuggled back down, pressing play.

* * *

"To Noah and Rachel finding their way, wherever it may be. I love you both." Ilana lifted a glass of prosecco with a smile. "L'chaim!"

Will, Dan and Noah followed suit, laughing as they drained their glasses.

"Real good thing you're not driving tonight," Will murmured.

Noah chuckled. "Ma never really gets a chance like this. I'm glad Rach was able to chill with Sarah, because Ma really could let loose then." _Plus Sarah missed Rach like nobody's business._

"I'm sure they're having a lovely time." Dan signed the bill, waving Noah and Ilana aside. "It'll be good for Rachel to be reminded of the good times. It was a good strategy."

"Wait, what?" Noah frowned from his mother to Dan and back again. "You knew?" _Okay, Rach, there's gotta be something I don't know if everyone's pushing you my way..._

Will laughed as they stood. "Son, your mother and Rachel's dad are collaborating on this one. The stars are aligning for you, it seems. Now let's get back and see what a night with your sister has yielded..."

* * *

**"I have this...this **_**planet**_** of regret...sitting on my shoulders. And you have no idea how much I wish that I could go back...to that morning after we made love...and do everything different. But I know that I can't, so...I thought that I would come here and tell you something."**

Rachel sniffled, smiling unsteadily at Sarah. _I should never have put this movie on. Damn it, Rachel..._She swallowed hard and focused on her breathing.

**"And what I wanted to tell you...was that I love you...and, uh...just wanted to make sure that that was clear...so that there wasn't any confusion." Troy shifted awkwardly. "Um...So, anyway, uh, where are you going?"**

Sarah sniffled, groping for the tissue box.

**Lanie's hands fluttered as she replied. "I was going to look for you."**

Rachel passed her the box, snagging a tissue for herself. _I am not in the right headspace for this..._

**"What for?"**

"I love this movie," Sarah whispered.

**"Just...wanted to see if you were okay." Lanie cringed at her own statement, looking at him uncertainly.**

**"Well, I had a shitty week, you know." Troy gazed at her.**

Sarah cheered as Winona Ryder climbed over the fence and jumped down to the grass and into Ethan Hawke's arms. "They're fixed!" She turned to Rachel, grinning. "That was awesome, they're so good together. I'm so glad he came back. He came back for her."

Rachel smiled tightly. "It's a great movie," she managed. _And entirely too close to home..._

Sarah took a deep breath. "Rachel, I know Ma said to be nice and not say anything -"

_So please don't. _Rachel held up a hand. "Sarah -"

Shaking her head, Sarah continued. "- But I miss you, and I know my stupid brother does too -"

Rachel winced. _I don't want to hear it, please..._"I really can't talk about this, Sarah, I'm sorry, but -"

Sarah plowed on. "You wanna know what he told the girl who moved into your house? She's in my class and he picked me up -"

_And let you down, because why wouldn't he. _Rachel shook her head. "Please, Sarah, let's just -"

Sarah fixed her with a serious gaze. "- and he told her to make sure there was music in the house, that the girl who lived there before would be so sad if there wasn't."

_Noah_...Rachel hugged Sarah, kissing her head. _Why..._"Sweetheart, thank you. I really appreciate how much you care about me, and about Noah." _Damn it, why do you have to be so sweet? The both of you?_ She licked her lips. "The truth is, your brother and I...we're -"

Noah cleared his throat. "We're what?"

Rachel jumped as the front door closed, turning to see the rest of the Puckermans and Berrys filing into the room, Will bringing up the rear. "We're student and teacher. How was dinner?" _I don't know if I'm grateful or mortified..._

_Damn it, I should've kept my mouth shut. _Noah smiled ruefully. "Would've been better with you."

_And just like that, we're back in it. _Rachel stiffened. "Well, I think I won out. Your sister is quite the character. I wonder where she got that from."

Ilana laughed. "Exactly where you think. Her brother on purpose, and me when I didn't think she was listening." She kissed both girls on the head. "Hello, mishpokhe. Did you have fun?"

_Family?_ Rachel inhaled sharply, looking to her fathers with a slight frown.

Will chuckled, miming a drink.

_Drunk, not overly optimistic. _She exhaled and nudged Sarah up. "Back to reality, Sarahbelle."

Sarah gave a half-smile. "I forgot about that." She turned to her mother. "We had a great time. I watched a really good movie." Her smile went sly as she looked to her brother. "You should watch it, Noah."

_No, you shouldn't, you've ideas enough of your own. _She stood, shaking her head."Not really a movie for guys, Sarah. No need for him to waste his time."

"I don't know, maybe it's _not _a waste." _Especially if the thought of me watching it has you so flustered. _Noah raised a brow. "Can I borrow it?"

"It was on TV," Rachel said brusquely. "What made you bring daffodils?" Damn it, _Rachel...You had to ask, didn't you..._

_Suspicious?_ "I think they suit you," he said quietly. _And us. _"I _did_ pick them out, it wasn't the florist. Though she would've. The Greenmarket."

Rachel clenched her fist, the ghost of his hand on hers searing. _He doesn't affect you anymore, Rachel. Just believe that. _"Well, thank you again."

_Damn it, Rach, let me in._ He favored her with a light smile. "Thank you for keeping the rugrat occupied."

"I'm not a rugrat. I'm a princess." She grinned at Rachel. "Right?"

She swallowed and sighed. _I don't want to think about this. _She forced a smile. "Have you forgotten attending the coronation of Princess Sarahbelle? I know the Disney movies aren't your favorite, but -"

"You gave her a tiara. I remember." He licked his lips. "I remember everything." _Like you in my bed with nothing on but that tiara later..._He held her gaze steadily. "What movie was it, The Princess Diaries?"

Rachel chuckled with effort. "That would be the one." _And then you told me I was the real princess in the land of the Puckermans..._She shook herself. "Anyway. Sarah, it was lovely spending the evening with you, and Mrs. Puckerman, it was wonderful to see you again -"

Ilana waved a hand. "Call me Ilana, Rachel. And thank you for looking after my daughter. You'd make a lovely dau-"

"Ma!" Sarah and Noah both interrupted.

"I think we gotta go," Noah said, smirking. _Too much, Ma. _"Shouldn't have had that wine."

"Oh, but we didn't have dessert!" Sarah turned to Rachel. "We were supposed to have frozen yogurt!"

"Honey, we had a whole box and a half of chocolate-covered strawberries. I think that's dessert enough." _And if he stays, I think I might lose my mind. _Rachel hugged her tightly. "Have your brother take you to Pinkberry tomorrow."

_Oh, perfect. _He shook his head, shrugging. "I don't -"

"It's on Spring Street, Noah," she interjected. _No way are you using your sister against me again._ "Walking distance." She stepped back from Sarah and smiled. "I'm going to clean up some. Good night everyone." Grabbing the nearly empty plate of strawberries, she headed into the kitchen. _And good riddance._

"Hey, wait up." Noah followed quickly after. _I can't let her go yet, not like that..._

Will and Dan glanced at each other, shrugging. "His funeral," Will murmured.

* * *

Rachel exhaled, placing the platter on the center island. "Don't you need to be getting your mother home, Noah?" _And getting out of my way?_

"I just wanted a strawberry," he said lightly, snagging one and taking a bite. "Delicious." _And so are you._

"Thank you. Now you should really get back to your family." Rachel met his gaze steadily. _And away from me._

He finished the rest of the strawberry, licking his lips with relish. "I will." He crossed the room towards her. _Just one small detail..._

_Damn it, don't_...Rachel took an unsteady breath. "Noah -"

He reached around to throw the stem in the garbage, biting back a smirk. _Gotcha._

Rachel exhaled and turned towards the counter. _Just breathe, he'll be gone soon._

"Sorry about Sarah and my mother," he said quietly, moving next to her. "They can't help themselves." He tucked an errant bit of hair behind her ear. _Who could? Certainly not me. And you shouldn't expect me to. _"And neither can I." He cupped the back of her head and kissed her.

"Mmph!" Rachel whimpered as he molded his mouth to hers. _Noah...damn it, why..._

_Let me in, Rach. _He gentled the kiss, pulling back to murmur against her lips. "Look up the daffodils, Rachel." He released her. "I better go while I can."

She nodded as he left the room, swallowing hard. _Never let your guard down around Noah Puckerman, Rachel, damn it._

"Good night, everyone." Will and Dan joined Rachel in the kitchen.

"Are you all right, pumpkin?" Dan raised a brow at Will.

"Baby girl?"

She blinked slowly. "I think I have chocolate on my lips. Excuse me." She brushed past them foggily. _I've also misplaced my sanity._

Dan giggled. "Will."

Will gazed after his daughter. "Not even a minute alone."

"Barely. And he _still _managed to kiss her. He was wiping chocolate from his lips." Dan clapped his hands giddily.

* * *

In the elevator, Noah licked the last of the chocolate coating clean. _You still taste as sweet as I remember, Rach._ "Those were some delectable treats there, Sarah." He smirked. "Can't wait for more."

* * *

Rachel dropped into the seat at her vanity, a tremor running through her. _That was - he - I shouldn't -_ She licked her lips and flipped her laptop open. _Daffodil._ Drumming her fingers on the keyboard, she started to type. _What do daffodils mean._ She clicked the first link and scrolled down. "Oh, _damn it,_ Noah." She massaged her temple with one hand and dialed the phone with the other.

Lori pushed Rachel aside from the computer fifteen minutes later, reading over her shoulder.

"Regard, rebirth, new beginnings, unrequited love, you're the only one, chivalry, eternal life." She laughed heartily, tucking Rachel's head to her chest. "Oh, you're good, Puckerman. You're _damn _good."

_I think he is. _Rachel squeezed her eyes shut and hugged Lori tightly. _Damn it, I think he is._

"You're okay, Rach. You are." Lori kissed her head again. "You are." She tugged the distraught brunette upright. "Come on. Just go to bed, tomorrow is another day."

Rachel bit her lip. "No. Not bed. Not yet." _There's something else I think I need to do tonight._ She swallowed hard, opening her bedside drawer. _I have to. Before I change my mind. _She pulled the heavy portfolio out and sank onto the bed. "Can you stay?"

Lori sat next to her. "I - yeah. I can."

* * *

**A.N. **Home stretch, my lovelies. Can you feel it?


	17. Turning Tables

**A.N. **This is probably one of my favorite chapters. I apologize for the wait, but I can only hope it's worth it...

* * *

_Suggested listening: Turning Tables, Adele; Reason Why, Rachael Yamagata; Last Song, Theory of a Deadman; Objects in the Rear View Mirror, Meatloaf; Lover's Eyes, Mumford & Sons; Sans Soleil, Miiike Snow; My Backwards Walk, Frightened Rabbit; Song for a Friend, Jason Mraz; Wanderful, Mark Salling; Miss Friday (Acoustic), Nico Stai_

**Chapter 16: Turning Tables**

* * *

Noah exhaled and closed the door behind them all, small grin playing along his lips. _You can't shut me out forever, Rach. And I'm beginning to think you don't really want to._ "So how was your night, Sarah?"

His sister beamed. "Um, awesome. That pizza was kickass -"

"You said ass," Ilana remarked. "Ass, ass, ass..."

Sarah shook her head. "Ma's funny when she drinks."

_No kidding. _Noah nodded. "She's like Rachel. Filter disappears."

_**"I hope she's worth it, Noah, I hope she is." **_**_Rachel turned her face away, slipping away into her thoughts_.**_** "I really hope she is, because I miss you..."**_

_Damn it, Rach, I'm so sorry_...Noah smiled tightly. "She probably won't even remember." _I miss you too..._

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Awesome. Well, pizza, then chocolate covered strawberries, and a movie. Reality Bites. It was ridiculous, Noah, she totally picked a movie that was like you guys."

"No movie could do them justice," Ilana opined.

Noah and Sarah laughed.

"Ma, have a seat, lemme get you some water." Noah nodded towards the sink, Sarah following. _At least we don't have anything to do early tomorrow. _He turned on the tap and let it run for a second. "She'll fall asleep, we can talk. But she needs to be hydrated."

Sarah nodded. "Good to know." She watched the back of the couch and saw their mother's head fall limply. "You were right."

"I know," he smirked. _At least _now _I am..._He nudged the sleeping matriarch. "Ma. Here, drink some water."

Ilana sat up, blinking blearily. "Water?"

"Yeah, and then head back to bed, Sarah will be behind you in a few. My bed's all made up for you." Noah handed her the glass, and held out his hand, two Advil in his palm. _I didn't even think how tough it must be for her to manage Sarah without me._

Ilana chuckled. "Look at you, caretaker. You're a good boy, Noah." She took both and patted his hand. "Someone did good with you."

He leaned back, smiling. _Yeah, someone did. And hopefully she realizes it._

* * *

Rachel held the book tightly, looking over at Lori. _Why did I volunteer to do this _now? "I don't - I don't know -"

"How to start?" Lori reached over to pry Rachel's fingers free. "I do. It's a book. You open it." She opened the cover. "See?"

"Thanks, Lori," Rachel deadpanned. _I'm in trouble, aren't I..._"I was _going _to say I don't know if this is a good idea." She swallowed hard, glancing down at the page. "I have to work tomorrow, Lor, I have to be...sane." _And Noah and my sanity do not seem to coexist well..._

"Sweetheart, you're _never_ sane. It's part of your charm." Lori kissed her cheek and took her hand, placing it at the bottom of the page. "Now turn."

* * *

"All right, Ma, time to turn in." Noah tugged her up. "You know where everything is. I'm just gonna talk to Sarah for a little bit." _And find out just how bad off I am..._

Ilana nodded. "Sounds delightful." She patted his cheek. "Good night, Noah. I'm glad we're here."

He kissed her cheek quickly, rolling his eyes at Sarah. "Good night, Ma." _Glad you're here too._

"Good night, Sarah," Ilana squeezed her daughter's shoulders and kissed her head.

"Night, Ma." Sarah giggled as they watched her go. "Wow. People actually get that way on _purpose?"_ She shook her head incredulously.

Noah smirked. "Just you wait, you'll get there someday." _It's good to see Ma so relaxed._

"Think I'll be like her when I'm drunk?" Sarah looked up at him quizzically.

He rolled his eyes. _If I had to guess? Yeah. _"I sure as shit hope not." He poked her arm. "We'll have to break you in slow, all right?" He chuckled as Sarah nodded enthusiastically. _Yeah, definitely a Puckerman._ "Now tell me about this movie..."

* * *

"Isn't this the part of the movie where the monster leaps from the pages of the book and drags the innocent damsel into the nightmare world?" Rachel bit her lip. _Danger, Rachel, danger..._

"You are such a dork." Lori shook her head. "This is your real bedroom, in the real world. The only monsters in there are the ones in your head, Rach. I know they're big and scary right now, but that's what we're working on by opening this book - making them smaller and more manageable." She grinned, elbowing her friend. "Maybe even surmountable? Or just _mountable_, I'm sure it's been a while since -"

"Lori!" Rachel flushed. _I have absolutely no need to discuss...mounting...with you. _"Please, no more."_ Nor do I need to think about it. Not with Noah's kiss still – _She shook herself. "Please."

Lori shrugged. "Just a thought."

"Well, have another," Rachel muttered, drawing a deep breath. _And you too, damn it, Rachel. _She flipped through a few pages. "I started looking a little."

"At this?" Lori gestured down to the book, nodding her approval. "I'm glad you started, finally. Not that I didn't think you were capable, Rach, but I'm glad we're doing this together." Lori squeezed her hand. "Maybe you'll actually get through the _whole _portfolio now?"

Rachel frowned. "I know the first song already. He - it was his original audition piece for the first round at NYU. He sent it to Daddy. And I didn't -" She shook her head. _How could I have been so blind?_ She sighed. "I didn't even think about it. I must have heard him say N number and I didn't even register it." _I guess Daddy was right - I knew the whole time..._

Lori shrugged. "When you already didn't want to hear him in the first place? Color me unsurprised." She reached over to turn pages back, skimming. "Nice choice on the quote."

_The only truth is music. _"I suppose it's not all that surprising, and yes, nice quote."

"I wonder what he's trying to tell you?" Lori cast an innocent gaze at Rachel.

Rachel rolled her eyes. _I get it, Lor, you know I do. _"Oh, I'm certain you're wondering. No clue whatsoever." _That's why this is all such a problem for me, don't you realize? _"Can we get back to the point that I should have known he was coming to NYU?"

"What would you have done, hmm?" Lori raised a brow. "Would you have transferred? Chosen Juilliard even if it wasn't really the right fit?"

_To get away from him? _"I - I guess I -" _But, my career..._

Lori rolled her eyes. "I would _hope _the answer is hell no. You _really_ have to think about it?"

"Maybe?" _Dear sweet Streisand, what does that say about me? _Rachel threw her hands up, tipping back onto the bed. "You think I know anything about anything right now, Lori? I'm holding on to sanity by a thread. A _very fine_ one. He's _every_where, he's _every_thing -" _Rachel!_

Lori giggled, tapping Rachel on the nose. "Got it in one, Berry, good job."

_Damn it, see? _Rachel scrunched her face. _I don't _want _that to be true!_ "He makes me feel like such a child...like all the years, all the growth, all the progress just isn't enough. I can't run far or fast enough and it's like -"

_"Objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are..."_ Lori sang, and grinned. "Honey. You're not the first, you won't be the last, and no one died from it. You're okay. And you really should look at this next song."

* * *

"So when's the next time I get to see Rachel?" Sarah flopped on to the couch with her brother. "How's tomorrow?"

_Not soon enough. _Noah poked her in the side. "You're such a menace. She's working." _At night..._He chuckled at his train of thought. _But still, no._ "Plus, I'm sure she's had enough Puckerman for her weekend off. If we bump into her, that's fine, but we're not gonna go find her at her usual bagel shop or anything like -"

"Please?" Sarah grinned mischievously. "You know you want follow up..."

_Damn, she's good._ He shook his head. "I already arranged recon follow up from Lori. You were there." He laughed as Sarah pouted. _Sorry, kid. Believe me, I wouldn't mind the other way, but Rach would. _"I'm sure Rach is on the phone with her already, if she hasn't gone back by to debrief. If there's anything I need to know, Lori will tell me."

* * *

"Do I want to?" Rachel sighed, pushing herself up on the bed. _I get the feeling I'm going to live to regret this._ She ran a hand down the score as she skimmed, swallowing hard at his words. _Oh, Noah.._

_"I missed her sweet smell,  
I miss it every day  
__I miss my best friend, cheap cigars, stupid kids and movie stars...  
__And I missed the last song...and I miss you.  
__And this time this one's for us_

_I missed the last song  
__I blame myself for just standing there too long  
__I missed the last song  
__I blame myself for just standing there too long..."_

Rachel turned from the page as the notes and lyrics blurred. "Lor, I - I don't -" _I don't want to remember, I don't want to know how well _he _remembers..._

"This is your guy, Rach." Lori squeezed her hand. "Sweetheart. This is Noah. You know it is."

_I know. _Rachel caught her breath. _I know? _"But he - I can't -" _How can I go from believing that all that time was casual and meant nothing to seeing he remembers everything? What do I do with that? _She blinked away her tears. "Lori, I can't..."

Lori pointed down at the page. "I think you can. What do you think he's trying to tell you here? The only truth is music, and here's a bunch of mine. Rachel, come on, you can do this. You _have _to."

* * *

"Oh, come on, you'd rather have a stranger getting your intel instead of your own sister?" Sarah fluttered her eyelashes exaggeratedly. "I've been trained by the best!"

Noah rolled his eyes. _You really think I taught you everything I know? _"Flattery gets you nowhere with this, Sar. Sorry. Priorities." _Well, just one. Getting Rach to give me a chance. And as much as I'd love you to keep at her, I know how Rachel operates._ "I know Lori well enough by now that she'll just bulldoze right through Rachel's stuff and Rach will let her." He held up a hand. "Yeah, I know. You bulldoze too. But Lori is authorized to do it, you know? Rach would still fight you, but Lor will sneak in and then get her." _Which is hopefully just what's going on now..._

* * *

"One song. That doesn't mean he _really_ gets it. That means he understands one song's worth of what I'm feeling." _I don't know. I _can't _know..._Rachel swallowed hard. _If I take that step, if I admit that he's become the man I saw in him..._She took a long pull from her wine glass.

"One song. Uh-huh. You've sung at least what, three now? Four? All hitting you like a shot to the heart. Sure, Rach." Lori patted her arm. "You tell yourself that if it makes you feel better."

_Damn it, Lori..._Rachel ran a hand over her hair, taking a deep breath. "Lor -"

Lori held up a hand. "Honey, I know. Let me check them off." She ticked off her fingers as she continued. "He's a student in the class you're the teaching assistant for. He couldn't get his act together when you were first together, before you ever even thought of leaving Lima. How are you supposed to trust that his feelings are constant now? You've moved on and left that behind as an unfortunate chapter in your history." She raised a brow at her friend. "Did I miss any?"

Rachel clenched her jaw. "How about the part where he broke my heart," she bit out. _Over and over again, every time I saw him with Quinn..._"Or acted contrary to everything he'd ever told me about myself and what I deserved," _which made me think they were all lies,_ "kept kissing me when he was with someone else," _which confused me completely,_ "lied about what he _felt_, who he _wanted_, and..." She took a breath, glaring at her best friend. _Damn it, Lor, you can't forget..._"And walked away when I told him I loved him?" _Does any of that count for anything anymore?_

Lori shrugged, frowning. "But, Rach...He apologized for all of that, didn't he? And when you left -"

Rachel scoffed. _Yes, I left, and left him behind. _"When I left, and there was no chance that he'd ever have to make good on what he said -"

Lori shook her head. "When you left and he realized all he'd lost -"

Rachel's expression hardened. "When I left and he realized all he _destroyed –" including me..._

Lori held up a hand. "Do you think he's _malicious_, Rach?" She locked her gaze to Rachel's. "How about we start there instead of arguing semantics? Do you _honestly,_ in your heart, believe he intentionally set out to mislead or hurt you?"

"Mislead me? Yes. _That_, he did deliberately." _And repeatedly..._"I asked him if he -" She swallowed hard. "If he wanted _her_, and he said yes. He said he did." _And he did. He _did. _He picked up with her not even a day after..._She folding her arms, tucking her legs up and rubbing her suddenly chilled skin.

Lori blew out a breath. "Okay. Let's look at that, then." She looked at Rachel inquiringly. "He said he wanted the blonde cheerleader head bitch on campus, whom he had, not that long before, had a baby with."

Rachel pursed her lips. _Why is it when you put it that way, it sounds almost reasonable?_ "Right."

Frowning, Lori raised a brow at her friend. "And remind me of his rep in school again?"

Rachel smacked her arm. _Give me a break, I see what you're doing. _"Damn it, Lori, will you just be on my side?"

Lori grinned cheekily. "Well, the TA thing is a truth. So you have a semester to figure this all out. But Rach, you know why you're resisting so much, don't you?"

_No. No, I – _Rachel frowned. "I get the feeling I don't want to know what you think." _I don't like what I suspect the answer is._

"Yeah, you're probably right." Lori patted her knee. "You'll get there. Let's do a little reading though, shall we?"

_No. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. _Rachel heaved a sigh. _Except if I say that, I get more of a lecture. _"Fine."

* * *

"Ugh, _fine."_ Sarah rolled her eyes and sank into the corner of the couch. "I'll just have to believe you can manage this by yourself."

_Yeah, me too. _Noah shook his head. "You think you want this more than I do, Sarah?" _You definitely don't want it the same way..._

She opened her mouth and shut it again, looking him over carefully. "Actually, no, I don't. I still think she can do better though."

_Fucking punk. _He punched her lightly in the arm. _Yeah, she could. But no one's gonna love her like I do. _"Thanks a bunch. I'm sure you even told her so."

She nodded, taking a sip of her pop. "I did, actually."

"Fan-fucking-tastic." _You would. _He shrugged. _But like Ma said, maybe that's not a bad thing._ "And?"

"Language, Noah!" Sarah stuck her tongue out at him. "She said thank you, let her guard down, we watched the movie and then I just started talking about you. I told her what you said to Muriel."

_Oh, shit. _ He ran a hand over his scalp. _The girl who moved into Rachel's house._ "You did?"

Sarah nodded again. "Yup. And I told her that you told me you were an ass. She was really impressed by your insight, I think."

He chuckled. "I'm sure." _And I'm sure she didn't disagree. _"Is that when I walked in?"

"Yup. You shoulda called first, I think I might've been able to get somewhere!" Sarah raised a brow. "Instead you gave her the perfect opportunity to cut the conversation short."

"Yeah, well, I would've but between Ma and her dads, we were talking pretty constantly. Before I knew it we were back." He smirked slightly. "Besides, she would've left the conversation at the student/teacher thing. It's the best she's got."

Sarah looked at him incredulously. "So then what're you doing still in the class? You want her or not?"

_Are you fucking kidding me? _ Noah rolled his eyes. "What'm I doing still in the class? I'm trying my damndest to make her hear me out. She can't get away in class, she _has _to listen." _And I'm not too proud to use that against her._

Sarah frowned for a moment. "Well, that makes sense. But then she gets to have the whole semester to get a boyfriend or convince you that she doesn't want to be with you."

He grinned. "That's what _she_ thinks. I'm not staying in the class all semester – once the drop deadline comes up, I'm switching to the other section." _That gives me till this Friday._ "And then I'm gonna ask her out again. And again and again until she says yes just to shut me up." _Or she says yes because she wants to..._

Laughing, Sarah patted her brother's shoulder. "Good luck with that. She really _does_ think you're a moron."

"Again, thanks _so_ much, Sarah. Love you too." He sighed. _Well, I was a moron. _"I know it won't be easy, but it really could be worse."

* * *

_It could be worse, Rachel. He could be singing these to you. _She turned the page with a shaking hand.

_"She's the one who saw my words  
__Broken, torn at the seams  
__And broken words were all she had  
__So now she's walking away  
__from me..."_

Lori peered over her shoulder as Rachel started to cry.

"I can't, Lori," she choked out, burying her head in Lori's shoulder. _Damn you, Noah..._"I can't." _Why? Why didn't you see this sooner? Why did it all have to fall apart?_

"Yes, you can, Rach, you know you can. You don't want to anymore, because you're seeing what we see." Lori kept her voice low and even. "It's not just one song, Rach, not one or two or four. He gets it. He knows what he did, he knows why he did it, and he knows what it did to you." She closed the book and slipped it from under Rachel's hands. "But you're right that you need to be okay for tomorrow. Let's take a break and go for a walk, okay? Fresh air, change of scenery."

Rachel nodded slowly. _Maybe then I could breathe..._

* * *

"Yeah, true. She's too nice to shut you out completely." Sarah smiled. "So hopefully by the time I come back for Spring Break you guys'll be back together?"

_Fuck, if it takes _that_ long, I might lose my damn mind. _He cleared his throat. "It's not really back together –"

Sarah raised a wary brow. "Why not?"

_Because I thought we were just fuck buddies. _He swallowed hard."We, uh, never really called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, and didn't really go out on, um, on dates or anything. We just kinda _were_ together."He looked away. _Fucking idiot, Puckerman._

Sarah nodded slowly. "Gotcha. Friends with benefits."

"Sarah!" He turned wide eyes to his sister. _Fuck, she's smart._ "Shit, how do you know about that?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm 12, not stupid. She was here all the time with your door closed but you weren't boyfriend and girlfriend? That pretty much leaves the one option."

He sighed again. "Yeah, okay. That." He shook his head. _Called out by my little sister. Wow._ "So not really together together. That's what I want."

"Does she know?" Sarah fiddled with a thread on the couch as she looked at him. "That you want something like, real, with her?"

_Now, or before I got here? _"I _thought_ she did, but I'm beginning to think she didn't take me seriously." _Give her a break, Puckerman, would _you_ take you seriously after all that shit? He_ shrugged. "Well, I think serenading her in front of our whole class fixed that."

"Yeah, that and the flowers and the flirting and all." Sarah leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Good luck."

"Thanks, Sarah." _I think I need it. _He hugged her lightly. "You wanna take the TV for a while? I can entertain myself. I know 10 o'clock on a Friday night still qualifies as early for you." _For me too, but I'll figure it out._

"Yeah, thanks!" She grabbed the remote, flipping through channels. "There was another movie that Rachel wanted to watch but we went with Reality Bites. I want to see if they're playing it again tonight."

He chuckled, snagging his cell phone from the table. _Can't hurt to check in, right? _"I'll be in the area if you need anything, I might go for a walk or something."

She waved him off, nodding.

_Shit, she really _is_ a teenager. _Noah shook his head and closed the door behind him.

* * *

"Sweetheart, is that you?" Dan peered over the back of the couch. "Oh, honey..." He stood, intercepting the pair proceeding to the door. "Rachel, are you all right?"

"Dad..." She threw her arms around him, squeezing tightly. _No, I'm not. Not even close._ "I don't – I can't – "

"Shhh..." He kissed the top of her head, casting a panicky look at Lori. "Honey, you're safe, you're fine."

"I'm not," she whispered into his shirt. _I haven't been for...since..._"I'm not, and I don't think I know how to be..."

He kissed his daughter's head sadly. "We're going to figure it out, sweetheart, I promise." He squeezed her and leaned away from her ear. "Will!" Dan called back through the apartment.

* * *

Noah sat on the top step, stretching his legs in front of him as he dialed. _Let's not get too stalker tonight._

Will raised a brow as his cell phone rang, shaking his head. "Bet I know who this is," he murmured, checking the display. He smiled and answered. "Hello, Noah. I can't say I'm surprised you called." Will leaned back in his office chair.

Noah shrugged. _Didn't really expect you to be._ "I just wanted to check in, see if Rachel's all right."

"Well, she called Lori immediately, and they've been in there for about half an hour. So far I haven't heard any –"

_"Will!"_

"I spoke too soon." Will rubbed his forehead. "I'll have to call you back, Noah. I just got hollered for, and from the tone of Dan's voice, probably not good."

_Could she – _"Do you –" Noah cleared his throat. "Do you know if she was going through the care packages tonight?" _Lori said she was trying to get through them..._

Will frowned quickly. "I don't, why?"

"If she – "He broke off, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. _I really hope I'm wrong..._He inhaled slowly and continued. "If - if she reached her birthday package, I sent her my portfolio at the time. All the songs I'd written, and pretty much all about her and about us." _Damn it, Rach, I just want you to know I understand, I get it, I know what I've done…_

"Oh, hell." Will blew out a breath. "Be right with you, Dan!" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Give me the gist before I go out there."

"Uh..." Noah scratched his head. _Shit, what _was_ in there? Started with..._"The one you heard, my audition piece. Then...a song about missing her...a song about how I said all the wrong things and drove her away...a duet about how I screwed it up by not believing I was worth her loving me that she ended up singing with me today." _I kinda hope she didn't get that far, maybe..._He took a deep breath. "The whole thing is songs about wanting to see her, find her, be with her –"

"I get the point. And I'm going to guess yes." Will shook his head. "Let me go see what we're working with over here."

Noah pressed his fingers to his eyes. _Damn it, Rach, I don't want to hurt you anymore. _"Will, can you - can you tell her if she wants to talk, if she wants to ask questions, if there's anything after reading and listening that she wants to tell me, I'm here?" _I just want you to talk to me..._

"I will, Noah. I don't know how she'd take it," he added, shrugging, "but if I feel like it's appropriate, I will."

"That's the best I can ask for right now. Thanks, Will." Noah hung up, exhaling roughly. _Just wait and see, Puckerman. That's all you can do._

* * *

"What can I do for – oh, baby girl..." Will enveloped Rachel and Dan in a hug. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

"I – Daddy, he – those songs..." She shook her head. _They hurt...they hurt all over again..._"I don't know what to do, Daddy, I just want to forget and I just can't. I tried so hard for so long and...I want it to go away, I don't – I don't want to like this again, and I can't - I can't trust him, I just –"

"Breathe, sweetheart." Will kissed her head. "Start with a deep breath and let's talk. You want Lori to stay?"

She nodded emphatically. _I think I need all the help I can get._ "Please?"

Lori ducked in under Dan and Will's arms. "Rach, of course." She hugged her friend tightly.

Dan and Will released the girls to move into the kitchen. "Come on, you have winefrozen yogurt and chocolate covered strawberries."

Noah sat slowly, looking up and down the street. _I'm in fucking New York City._ He chuckled, grinning. _I'm halfway to where I wanna be. Now just to get the girl, right?_

The four gathered around the kitchen table, chocolate covered strawberries on the table and a large glass of wine at Rachel's elbow.

"Time to go to work?" Lori raised a brow, glancing around at the group.

Will nodded. "Time to go to work. Rachel, I have to say I'm happy you finally got to this point."

_What point would that be, exactly? _She swiped at her eyes. _The verge of a nervous breakdown?_ "You're happy I'm a mess?" She shook her head. "I'm not."

Dan squeezed her hand. "Not that you're a mess, sweetheart, but I think your father and I are just pleased you're confronting this thing with Noah. It's been hanging over you for too long."

* * *

"She said I might find you hanging out here sometime, but I don't think I believed it."

Noah looked to his left and froze. _Fucking shit. _"If you mean Lori, she told me the same thing." Swiping his palms on his thighs, he stood and extended his hand to Connor.

* * *

Rachel pursed her lips. "I'd rather Noah be behind me than over me." _Even though he wouldn't mind either - Rachel! _She shook her head and grabbed her wine glass, drinking deeply. _That did _not_ come out right._

Will looked at Dan quizzically, shrugging. "Sweetheart, the point isn't to torment you – it's to look honestly and openly at where you are, who you are, and who he is. And you have to admit, you've been avoiding just that."

_And I would continue to if I could. _Rachel took another drink. "I suppose."

Dan rolled his eyes. "Rachel."

* * *

"Noah Puckerman. We've never officially been introduced." _And I think I might've been safer that way._

"Connor Matthews, and no, we haven't, but I know you well enough." He shook hands brusquely. "Mind if I sit down?"

Noah gestured to the step, resuming his seat. "Not at all." _Not like this is gonna be brutally awkward._

"So, I take it you had an interesting evening. Lori went incommunicado about half an hour ago." He raised a brow. "How goes the reconciliation?"

_Oh, if only. _Noah laughed. "I wish there _was_ one. I'm sure you know Rachel well enough to learn that unless she wants to listen to you, she'll shut you out completely." _And she most certainly is trying in my case..._

* * *

"All right, fine, yes, I have been avoiding it as best I could." Rachel swirled her wine. _And that wasn't well at all._ " Can you blame me, really? I was finally happy, content with my life, despite the challenges, despite the jealousy and the neglect I was subject to." Sipping slowly, she sighed. _That I'd been subject to all of my life..._" I had someone telling me that I was all the things I had thought myself to be, all the things that I started to doubt after Finn and after Jesse. I had someone in my corner, and not just anyone – someone who once upon a time had been my chief tormentor. He turned around and became my most ardent defender." _And lover, and friend..._She took a long drink, shaking her head.

"And then... he wasn't. Just like _that." _Rachel snapped her fingers, the crack reverberating in the room._ Sharp. Sudden._ "Everything, all that I believed of him and of myself, fell apart. I gave him my heart, and he took it and left me behind. As amazing as he'd said I was, I still couldn't beat Quinn Fabray." _I was starting to believe I would never get out of her shadow..._" As much as he told me not to let anyone make me feel less than special, including him...I never dreamed he actually would. But he did. And it..." _destroyed me. _She drowned the word in wine before continuing. "It was devastating, and I sat with it. I didn't tell you two, I didn't _have _you –" Rachel took Lori's hand, squeezing. "And he just – he kept..._circling._ Like he couldn't leave me alone."

* * *

"Have you considered maybe it's time to let her be?" Connor leaned back against the steps, looking up at the streetlights. "Maybe your time passed?"

"Have I considered it? Sure." Noah shrugged. "Absolutely I have. I'm not an asshole like that anymore. I know that I might be too late. But then she needs to tell me that." _And not kiss me back or taste so fucking good when I kiss her. _"If it's so final, than I need to hear it from her. I gave something fantastic away without even trying last time. I'm not making the same mistake twice. Let her look me in the eyes and tell me there's nothing left between us and I'll never bother her again. But until she can do that, I'm right here."

* * *

"I would see him with Quinn and he'd look up and our eyes would meet for a second and it would all fall away..." She swallowed, taking another sip of wine. _Everything would disappear and I'd just want to feel his arms around me, to taste his kiss..._"And then she'd touch his cheek or tug his jacket and he'd be gone. He'd be hers. It's what he wanted. How could he claim to – to love me – when he stayed with her? He knew I loved him, he even kissed me, and every time he went back to her. I'm supposed to believe that he did – did _that –_" _did _her, _damn it, Noah..._"for my own good?"

"You're supposed to believe _he_ believed that, Rachel," Will said gently. "You're supposed to believe that Noah was acting in what he perceived as your best interest. And he was conflicted about it. Couldn't that also explain the back and forth?"

"I – " She shook her head. "I can see that." _Damn it. _" But...but that means he didn't trust me to know what I wanted, that he didn't believe I was capable of –"

"Or that he didn't believe _he_ was capable of being the man you deserved." Will stroked her arm. " Sweetheart, remember that you saw him better than he saw himself. You said yourself you saw his potential even when he didn't." He held her gaze. " Look, I'm not saying you're wrong to not want to try again, but to refuse to speak to him, even just to close the chapter for you both, is completely counterproductive."

"Seemed to do all right before he got here," Rachel muttered, draining the glass. _I would like to check out of reality for a while, please..._

* * *

"I can respect that," Connor said slowly. "I can."

"I appreciate that." Noah let his shoulders drop. _This is one fucking dangerous neighborhood to think deep thoughts in._ "My intentions are good. I swear they are. I want to show her she wasn't wrong, and I want to be the guy she deserves."

"Well, you're finally close enough to be a threat to her heart again." He sighed." She just closed up shop when she left Lima, even though she didn't realize it. You're the one guy she can't shut out, because you were the _last _guy before it all went sour."

* * *

Will shook his head. "It was easy to let you slide when he wasn't here, but you see the signs yourself, baby girl. If you don't deal with it now, when are you going to deal with it? You deserve the world, and that includes a good man who loves you, _who you can love in return. _So just ask yourself if you can do that. And truthfully, whether you can or you can't yet, you know that Noah is the thing standing in the way." Will pushed back from the table and kissed her head. "You know I love you, Rachel. I'm not trying to push you to him, and if you want to work on this therapeutically, we can talk about that too. Not me, obviously, but we can. But something needs to happen now, now that you're ready. You let me know, all right?" He placed the bottle of wine on the table and turned a stern eye to Lori. "Don't let her do anything dangerous."

Lori saluted. "Aye aye, Captain Will."

Rachel stuck her tongue out. "What do you think I'm going to do, exactly? Wander the streets of New York?" _With my luck? He'd be waiting on my doorstep..._

Dan raised a brow. "Where were you going before I caught you two?" He kissed her on the head on his way out of the kitchen.

Rachel sighed and poured herself another glass of wine. _I'm obviously not in my right mind. Staying in is definitely the order of the night._

* * *

"And she hates it." Noah shook his head. _And by extension, me._ "I know she does. She always hated feeling like she didn't have control of her emotions." _Especially with so much else _out _of her control._

"If you felt them like she does, wouldn't you?" Connor winced in remembrance. "That girl is entirely too vulnerable when she's not thinking about it."

Noah scoffed. "Even when she is." _Almost especially when she is. _He sobered. "At least, she used to be." _Who knows now..._

Connor sighed, shrugging. "She still is. We were here when she picked up her big package - the one for her 21st. Totally flabbergasted."

_And I almost didn't send it. _Noah ran a hand over his head. "I sweated over that one, real bad. I wasn't sure it'd make it in time. And I was already behind by a bunch." _They all just collected in the truck, killing me slowly._ " I was all over the fucking place, trying to save every dime I could."

His companion raised a brow. "To get here?"

Noah nodded. _To get to better, to be somebody, like she thought I could be._ "Financial aid was pretty crappy, so I worked three jobs. Turns out it got less crappy the next year when I put all the forms in on time, but whatever. So I sent three months' worth of packages in one, pretty much." _And y'know, my heart._

* * *

Rachel took another long drink of her wine. "I feel as though I'm trying to undo three years in three minutes. I can't even wrap my mind around it." _And if I have my way, my mind will be too numb to try._

Lori stood and took a glass from the cabinet, pouring herself some wine. "Babe, it wouldn't feel like that if you hadn't put him in a shoebox for you. He decided to come out and play. And you have no idea what to do with him. There are worse problems to have."

"I would really appreciate having _none, _actually." Rachel blinked slowly, giving a slight shake of her head as she drank her white Merlot. _Mmm. Perhaps on my way to thinking I don't, for a little while..._"I preferred it when my most arduous contemplation was what pieces to workshop, and what ensembles to join."

* * *

"You got her thinking. I know that much. You really have a knack for getting under her skin." Connor nodded. "She'll talk to you. She'll get fed up enough. If she's calling Lori on a Friday night, she's got something major going on."

Noah frowned. _Calling her best friend on a Friday?_ "Why's that?" _Isn't that what she's supposed to do?_

Connor smirked. "Lor and I both work the weekends. Friday nights are pretty sacred." He waved off Noah's protest. "But Rach is worth it."

Noah nodded. "Preaching to the choir." _She's worth everything. _He peered up behind him at the light in his window. "I feel like we should have a beer or some alcohol or something."

Connor chuckled and nodded back. "Can't blame you. This is kind of surreal."

* * *

"My life has gone from comedy to tragedy entirely too fast to be real." _He's only been here _how_ long?_ Rachel peered down into her wine. "There was a time I would have thrived on this attention, but now...I just wish it was different, that it could all just go away and I could move on with my life."

Lori rolled her eyes. "You know wishing it away won't make it happen, right? My boyfriend is proof on that one."

_If wishing worked, I'd be wishing for a clean slate on that count too. _Rachel sighed. "I know, Lor, believe me. That's why I don't kid myself into thinking I can have a relationship."

"But don't you _want_ to? Rach, your dad's the expert and he's telling you that Noah and what happened between you is what's keeping you from anything serious." Lori took a sip of her wine and raised a brow. "Your heart is on hold, honey. Isn't that sad?"

_On hold? _Rachel caught her breath and took a deep drink. _Oh...oh, no._ "It is. I don't know that I ever perceived it that way."

"Well, maybe you should." Lori shrugged. "You haven't grown an inch in that regard since everything with Connor. That was years behind you, babe. It's time to get everything on the right track, no?"

_Rachel Berry can't be stagnant. _She worried her lip with her teeth for a moment. "I - well, of course I want to be better..."

Lori grinned around her wine glass. "So then, how?"

* * *

"So how's it feel to be here?" Connor broke the silence. "After working so hard to get here, is it worth it?"

_Even without Rachel, much as that would sting..._Noah nodded, smoothing his hands over his head and leaning back. "Yeah, absolutely it is. I mean, it's what I really want to do with my life, y'know?" He rolled his shoulders. "Hell, who am I kidding. _I _didn't know it's what I wanted until Rach pointed it out to me." _But now I can't dream anything else._

"She's got a knack of seeing people. It's almost creepy." Connor rested his elbows on the stairs and reclined. "Too bad she can't see herself the same way."

_Shit, if only. _Noah scoffed. "Don't even get me started. She was always on me for not having faith in myself, but she was always trying so hard to be good enough to everyone." _And I fucked all that up for her. _"She never got that she was _too_ good, that people were so self-involved because she made it look so damn easy to be everything."

Connor chuckled. "She always makes it look easy. Rachel could be falling apart at the seams and still make a good show of it."

Noah laughed bitterly. "Who're you telling? It's only when she's too drunk or too tired to keep up the facade that you find out what's really in her mind." _Wouldn't mind a call like that tonight…_

"Who're _you_ tellin'?" Connor snorted. "Do you know how we broke up?"

_Oh, shit..._Noah frowned, shaking his head. "Do I want to?"

* * *

"I..." _I don't know where to start. _"I want to, Lor, but it's...it's _complicated._ Because what do I do, try to talk to him about this? Knowing what he wants, knowing how eager he is for _any _encouragement at all..." She licked her lips. _And he'll take the opportunity..._"Just trying to broach the subject with him is a dangerous proposition."

Lori shook her head, refilling Rachel's glass. "Sweetheart, no one's saying to do it _tonight. _You just got to the point where you realize it does _have _to be dealt with. It's not just going to disappear over time if you don't pay attention."

"Why _not," _Rachel muttered, taking another drink. _I'm feeling so lovely and approaching hazy, even..._

* * *

"Yeah, you do," Connor said with a smile. "Because it was unfiltered drunken Rachel and her mind went straight to you."

"Wait, what?" Noah frowned. _Unfiltered Rachel?_ "You mean when Will said it was because of me –" _Oh, Rach...fuck..._

"It was _literally _because of you. She called me Noah." He chuckled. "I'd been with her for a year, maybe? And while I knew of you I never knew your name. But she didn't have to tell me – the tone of her voice did." He shrugged. "So I tucked her in and took my leave, and that was that. We barely spoke of it – she was mortified, ashamed, and guilty – and then after graduation she started setting me up with Lori."

Noah blinked slowly. _Guilty? _"It was just a mix-up, why would she feel so bad?"

"You don't get it?" Connor turned to catch Noah's eyes. "Because she did to me what you did to her."

* * *

"Because if it did, you and Connor would be living happily ever after and all of this would have faded away." Lori looked Rachel in the eye. "Tell me honestly. If you think about it, if you really look in your heart, has anything changed since back then?"

_No. _She winced. "I – of –"

Lori waved a hand to cut her off. "No, Rach. Do better than that. When it comes to love, when it comes to who you want to be with, have any of your opinions changed since Lima, Ohio?"

_No. _Rachel swallowed hard, taking a long drink of her wine. _All right, what I said about sanity and reason? I take it back. I don't want either._

Lori only smirked. "I thought so."

* * *

"I don't think that's possible." Noah shook his head. _Rachel, thoughtless? Careless?_ "She wouldn't hurt someone like that, not intentionally. It's _Rachel."_

Connor nodded slowly. "And did you know how much you were hurting her when you were doing it?"

"I –" Noah paused to take a deep breath. _I need to tell _you_ this, Rach. _He continued quietly. "Not really, not as much as it actually turned out to be."

"Precisely." Connor punctuated his point with a finger in the air. " That's the thing she felt worst about – the fact that she hadn't realized that she was content with being loved while not loving back."

"But that's not it, that's not how it happened." Noah shook his head vehemently. _I wasn't just basking, and neither was she._ " She didn't do the same thing at all."

Connor raised a brow. "Well, that's what she believed for the longest time, good luck untangling that."

Noah pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. _What a fucking mess. _"Does she know now that's not the case?"

"You're asking _me?" _Connor laughed. "That's a question for my girl, not for me. Rach won't talk to me about that stuff, not anymore. She really feels like she jerked me around."

Noah drew himself up, casting a hard look at Connor. _There's something in your tone I might not like._ "And you? What do you think?"

Connor laughed again, holding up a hand.. "I think she was doing the best she could, and I think you have a lot to make up for. But I also think that you're the only one who'll make her as purely happy as she can be."

_What the fuck? _Noah choked out a laugh. "You do?"

Connor shrugged. "For now, anyway. You've got such a hold on her heart that she can't be with anyone until you're out of her system."

_I don't_ want _to be out of her system_.Noah clenched his fist at his side. "You make it sound like I'm bad news."

"You _were_. And I don't talk to you like Lori or Will." He shrugged. "You're probably not. But the way it played was definitely bad news."

"No, I get that." _I guess. _Noah bit back the glare. "But I'm not that guy. I should never have turned away and if I had any idea she'd be gone, I wouldn't have." _I never thought she would. I thought I had all the time in the world._

"I hope you mean that." Connor's gaze hardened. "She deserves to be happy."

_Yeah, no shit. _Noah exhaled heavily. "Look, dude, I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall, but I promise you I realize now what I didn't then. I was too young and too full of myself to see what I was doing. I thought I wasn't good enough and so I'd just quash whatever there was with her by moving on. I wanted her to hate me so she'd move on too. But -"

"You didn't count on her. You didn't give her enough credit to know that you felt something too. And she spent so long trying to explain it away and she just couldn't." Connor snorted. "You only made it worse."

* * *

"I know it only makes you feel worse, Rach, so you don't have to say anything to me. But just think about it, okay?" Lori sipped her wine. "He was trying to tell you something about himself, to show you what he learned. Music is the easiest language for both of you, I guess."

"No, you're right," Rachel managed. _I know you are, and it makes me want to run far away from that book._ "It is and I suppose he was. He wanted to be part of my life and I wouldn't let him anymore."

"Don't beat yourself up _too_ much, honey. There was a reason you wouldn't." Lori lifted a brow sardonically. "You were hurt, you were alone, you didn't want to feel like that again. I get it."

* * *

"Yeah, I get that. But I swear I thought she was okay." I _should've known better though. _Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth. "I knew she was keeping herself busy and when it got too much I tried to slow her down."

Connor snorted. "I remember. A song on her voicemail, was it?"

Noah shrugged. "Best thing I could think of back then. There wasn't anything else I could do, there wasn't anything else to say. She told me I was too far, and she was right. She told me it wasn't fair, and she was right." _She told me she loved me, and she was right about that too..._He shook his head. "I didn't have any grounds to tell her anything about the life she built here. She built it on the wreckage of what I did." _And the broken heart I caused._ He cleared his throat. "So I tried to help rebuild what I ruined. I wanted her to know I understood, that I realized my mistake." _That I love her too._ "So there were the care packages."

Connor chuckled. "Yeah, there were. You could always tell when she got one. She was always a little irritable, like something was itching under her skin."

"I'm sorry?" He rubbed a hand over his head. _Like a rash?_ "I didn't mean to piss her off all the time."

Connor waved him off. "Whatever, dude, not my mess anymore. I just made her promise not to mess with anyone until she had a better grip on all of -" He waved at Noah and out into the night. "- this."

_Wait a second_. Noah scrutinized him. "So _you're_ the reason..."

"Excuse me?" Connor's face hardened as his gaze cooled.

_Aw, hell. _Noah held up a hand. "No, no. When I first got here, Rach tried to introduce me to a guy, claiming he was her boyfriend."

Connor's brows creased in question. "Really."

Noah nodded. "And then he asked why she wouldn't do more than date." _And I thought it was my fault._

Connor shook his head. "Poor Rachel. She just can't win when it comes to you, huh?" He rolled his shoulders. "As for the dating only thing, yes, I do believe that was me. I told her that I could let it go if she promised me to get her head straight before doing anything more than dating. So yeah, that'd be my doing."

* * *

"But...what do I do now?" _Besides hope for all brain function to cease and desist for the evening..._Rachel drained her third glass. "Let's say I – _for argument's sake –" _She pointed a finger at Lori. "For argument's sake _only,_ conceded that I didn't give him an opportunity to be heard. What am I supposed to do about it?"

"That's what we're asking you, babe." Lori shrugged. "You tell us."

"Believe me, I know that's why you're asking," Rachel muttered. _But I don't want to think about it, damn it._ "That doesn't mean I have an answer. I just have a collection of letters and CDs and music, and..." She refilled her glass, sighing. _You may as well just admit it._ "As well as a bone-deep terror of ever having my entire life turned upside down because someone has a bit of insecurity."

* * *

"Well _that_ must've gone over well." Noah fought back the glare. _You're not one to judge, Puckerman, take a breath._

"What do you mean?" Connor raised a brow.

"Not only did _I_ shake her faith in what a relationship was, _you_ basically told her she was too fucked up in the head to have one." _Fucking son of a bitch. _He grimaced. _And if I hadn't fucked up first, he wouldn't have had to._ "Low five?"

Connor ran a hand over his head. "Well shit."

* * *

"That's a pretty shitty understatement, Rach, and you know it." Lori emptied her own glass and reached for the bottle. "Remind me again about –"

_Yes, you said it already. _Rachel waved her off. "Okay, all right, fine. More than a little insecurity. Damn it, Lor, I tried to help! I don't know how many other ways I could have told him how wonderful I thought he was." _Is. _She took a slow inhale, pinching the bridge of her nose. _Bad side effect of fuzzy brains..._"He didn't believe me. He didn't believe in me enough in me to trust –"

"Rach." Lori looked at her dully. " You really think that was about you?"

"What else was it supposed to be about if not me?" Rachel waved her glass for emphasis. _It _must _be about me. _" I was the one holding my heart out, and I was the one he rejected. He obviously didn't think too badly of himself to turn around and be with Quinn."

Lori patted her hand. "How did she treat him? When they were together. Was she good to him? Loving, understanding, accepting?"

* * *

Connor shook his head. "Guess I wasn't as good in the end as I thought."

Noah shrugged. "I know what you were trying to do, and I'm sure she does too. I just know Rach well enough to know that there's the echo in the back of her head." _At least it's not just my fault anymore..._

"I really didn't intend anything but to impress on her the seriousness of what she was doing." Connor swore softly. "It's too damn easy to make a mess of things."

"You're telling me." _The last - fuck that, _all_ of my life is proof of that. _Noah scrubbed his hands up the back of his head. Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth. "I'm actually glad to know that though – it's another piece of the puzzle."

"I like to think it's not really playing for her anymore, though." Connor looked out into the night. "She knows when to cut things off now."

_So no one can ever get close to her? _Noah took a slow breath."Yeah, but that doesn't fix the anything. It just means she's getting better at shutting people out."

Connor frowned quickly. "So you're going to fix that by bullying your way into her life?"

_Thought it wasn't your mess anymore? _"No, I'm not going to fix it. _She _is." Noah held his hands out. _I know my limits. _" And all I'm trying to do is get her to hear me out for real. Just one chance to tell her that I was wrong, and that I meant it when I told her she was amazing. That everything I said was true, except for saying I wanted Quinn. That was the only lie. Rachel was always enough for me, I just wasn't good enough for her. And she deserved better than that." _And now I _am_ better._

Connor nodded slowly. "She definitely deserved better than second fiddle."

"And she never was. Not to me." _I thought she knew that. _He scrubbed his hands over his face. _Except that I proved the contrary._ "Just wish I'd told her so back then."

Smiling ruefully, Connor stood. "I have a sneaking suspicion you'll get your chance. You're not the only one who could've done things differently, and if I know my girlfriend, that's exactly what she's pointing out to Rachel right now. You're lucky she likes you."

* * *

Lori gazed at Rachel innocently. "Was she like you? Did she appreciate him like you?"

Rachel took a breath.

_**She won't love you. Not like I do...**_

_There's no use in lying. _"No." Rachel swallowed hard. _She never realized what she had._ "No, she wasn't. She treated him like everyone else had. She only really saw Puck." _And that fit for him._

Lori proceeded carefully. "So. You tell someone who doesn't believe in himself that you love him. You ask him if he wants the girl who treated him like he expected to be treated, the way he believed himself to be. And given a choice between what he believes to be true and what you tell him you feel he is, you want him to –"

"To trust me, _yes_, Lori, I did. I _did._" She rubbed her forehead, another long drink of wine. _More fool I_. "I thought that he could accept that there was more to him than even he could see, and that I saw it. I could have helped him." _If only he would have let me..._She looked down into her wine glass. "I could've shown him," she muttered.

"You honestly think he could accept that, Rach?" Lori topped off their wine glasses. "Come on, honey, you saw into depths he didn't believe he had. Just like it's easier for you to be the mistake, ever think it's easier for him to be Puck?"

Rachel sighed, sipping her Merlot. _That much is obvious. _"I know that, Lori, I'm not deluded. Of course it was easier for him to be Puck, but –"

Lori interjected. "Rach. What did you tell me about McKinley? About how you were perceived?"

"I – " Rachel took a deep breath. _I was hated._ "It – wasn't easy." _To say the least. _She took a drink.

Lori swirled her wine, continuing quietly. "And you were asking someone who was already insecure to face it with you."

_"For_ me," she said quietly. _For us both._ She looked up and met Lori's gaze. "That's the difference, Lor. I was hoping he'd be willing to face it with me, for me."

_**Noah's smile, lettermen jacket gone as his arms went around her. "Bring it."**_

"He did before," Rachel added softly. _Even before I knew I loved him...When it didn't count..._She lifted her glass and let her wine wash the bitter taste of regret away.

* * *

_I'm lucky for a lot of things – not the least is having a second chance to get it right. _Noah stood and held out a hand. "I know I am. Lori's awesome. She's what Rachel needed, she's the friend she deserved."

"Maybe she's what Rach deserved, but she's not what she needs." Connor shook Noah's hand. "I hope Rach gets that too."

Noah frowned slightly. _What Rach needs? She finally has a real best friend, she needed that forever._ "I don't think I know what you mean."

"What Rach needs is what _you_ needed back then. She needs to believe in herself. Hopefully you both can get there at the same time." Connor skimmed down the steps. "Good night, Noah. And if you need a swift kick in the ass, come see me. I'm two buildings down."

Noah shook his head. _I'm not even shocked anymore._ "Of course you are. Thanks."

* * *

"Oh, Rachel..." Lori pushed the wine asideand took her friend's hands. "Honey, the stakes were a hell of a lot different back then. You said yourself it wasn't really about the two of you back then. You don't see a difference?"

_Yes. _ Rachel cringed, looking away. "No." _I don't _want_ to._

Lori laughed, shaking her head. "Liar." She tapped Rachel's wrist with her fingers. "I'm a lie detector, I didn't tell you?"

Rachel withdrew her hands, pouting. _You are not._ "Lori!" She rubbed her forehead. _Right? _"Too much wine for this conversation. I just...he was able to do it before, though! Why wouldn't it be _easier _knowing –"

"– That you had _actual_ expectations from this? You ?" Lori raised a brow. "That you were invested in _him_, not in making anyone jealous or passing the time, but in Noah Puckerman."

"And he seemed to be invested in me too, Lor, that's what you're missing." _That's what _I'm_ missing, damn you, Noah, I don't want to miss you at all..._Rachel sighed. "He tells me all these things and I let myself believe that he meant them." She reclaimed her wine with a grimace. "And before you say it, yes, he could mean all those things about me but not believe anything good about himself," she muttered. _Damn it._

* * *

_Damn. _Noah ran his hands over his head and jogged up the steps. _Seems like Rachel's got more than just me making her doubt herself. _He opened the door to his apartment.

_"I hate the way you're not around  
__And the fact that you didn't call  
__But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you  
__Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."_

_What the fuck? _"What're you watching?" Noah sank into the couch next to his sister.

Sarah looked up with the Puckerman smirk. "I think Rach was screwed either way, Noah." She lifted a brow. "This was the other movie she wanted to watch."

_No fucking way. _He cast a skeptical look at his sister. "Seriously?" _Are you trying to tell me something, Rach? I'm listening._

She nodded and held up a hand. "Hang on, I think they're about to kiss and make up."

_Oh, I am_ definitely_ listening..._He chuckled and settled in to watch.

* * *

Lori poured the last of the wine in Rachel's glass, putting the bottle on the counter and filling a glass of water. "I think that's enough tonight, Rach. Hydrate, please?"

Rachel nodded as she took another long sip of her wine. "I have to work tomorrow," she said firmly. _I can't fall apart, and I can't dwell on this._

Lori sat back at the table, placing the tall glass of ice water between them. "So. Fair to say you're now looking at everything with slightly more openly?"

_Fair? _Rachel pursed her lips. "I suppose." _How about terrifying and painful? _She took a long drink of water. _Maybe I _do_ need more wine..._

Lori rolled her eyes. "Rach, don't bullshit me. I know you don't _want _to see him as a three-dimensional person who can fuck up just like everyone else. But when did you go from seeing the best in him to seeing nothing but the worst?"

_When he broke my heart, when I finally realized just how much he'd taken from me. _ Rachel eyed the refrigerator_._ "I have my reasons, Lori." _And I think I may have another bottle of wine in there..._

"I'm not going to say you don't have your reasons, honey. I'm going to say _he_ had his reasons too, and maybe the both of you just were at the wrong place at the wrong time." She tapped her glass to Rachel's. "And maybe now you're not."

_Yes, we are. _ Rachel took a drink of her wine. _We have to be. _"He's my student."

Lori chuckled. "Not if you give him a slight inkling there's a reason not to be."

_No shit. _ Rachel drew herself up. _Now there's that wine..._"And why should I? Why should I give him another chance to hurt me?"

"Because he didn't _mean_ to the first time, and you know it." Lori took her hand. "He really thought he was protecting you from the stars in your eyes. And hadn't he seen firsthand how starry-eyed and oblivious you could be when you were following your heart?"

Rachel frowned, pulling away. _Yes. _"I still fail to see how that makes his behavior any less egregious."

Lori shook her head. "Come on, Rach. You know better." She met her friend's gaze steadily. "You mean to tell me you have absolutely no idea what he could have been thinking."

Huffing, Rachel broke her eyes from Lori to contemplate the wine again. "It was my choice." _And if I'd have managed to keep my mouth shut, we would have been fine. "He_ was my choice."

Lori rubbed her arm. "I know, Rach. But just think about what he saw, what he was thinking. Isn't there room to make a mistake in your world?"

"Not one like that," she muttered. _That's not a mistake, that's a catastrophe and a disgrace._

"Then you know what you have to do." Lori took a drink, pouring the last of the wine into their glasses.

_Why do I get the impression I'm going to regret this? _Rachel pursed her lips._ Definitely more wine. _"What do you think I have to do, pray tell?"

Lori looked at her, smirking. "Talk to him. Tell him. If it's really unforgivable and there's nothing to save, then you hear him out, and you tell him so. But until he gets to talk to you, that boy isn't leaving you alone and you know it."

Rachel sighed and took another drink. _Damn it, I do know. _"What if I do? What if I hear him out and then tell him I can't see trying to be together. You really think he just gives up and goes away?" _So easily?_ She shook herself. _Rachel!_

"If he believes it's the truth, I think he would." Lori raised a brow, opening the fridge and retrieving another bottle. "The question is – _is _it the truth? Or are you dodging because you know that he'd change your mind?"

* * *

_"You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know."_

Noah laughed as Patrick winced. _I know that feeling, and that tone. Damn it, Rach, I miss you..._

_"Yeah, I know, But then, you know, there's always drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine..."_

Sarah shook her head and changed the channel as they kissed. "Wow. I mean, I think Rach picked the worse of the two movies to watch, but geez. Some part of her is definitely thinking of you, Noah."

_I hope so. _He shrugged and grabbed the remote. "Doesn't seem like it's consciously though. Anyway, bed. We've got shit to do tomorrow."

Sarah pouted. "I wish Rach would've come with us."

Noah rolled his eyes. "And I don't?" _I want her here right _now_. I didn't want to leave._ "We'll be at some of her favorite places, maybe if we're lucky we'll run into her, okay?"

Sarah brightened visibly. "Okay! Sounds good." She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek and stood. "You're a good guy, big brother. I like you around Rachel."

He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "You think that's what it is?" _She's like my moral compass._

Sarah shook her head. "Nope. It's all you. You grew up, Noah. I saw it." She grinned at him. "I just like you near her. Because then maybe you can try for real. Better?"

He nodded, grinning. _I like it._ "Much better. And thanks."

Sarah tossed him a wave and headed for the bedroom.

Noah stretched his legs out on the couch. _Now if only Rach could get on board with that sentiment..._

* * *

"Change my –" _Are you insane? _Rachel shook her head vehemently. "Lor, no. There's no changing my mind. This – we –" _We can't go back. I won't. _"It's been too much. It's just been too much, too long, and too...too fraught with pain." _It's too dangerous...Right? _She rubbed her forehead and took another long pull from her wine.

Lori sipped her white Merlot and raised a brow. "Methinks the lady doth protest overmuch, but I'm willing to let you have that perspective. And if that's it, Rach, make a date and just let him talk to you, then you tell him thanks but no thanks. He's convinced – and frankly he's not the only one – that you're not hearing him out because it would weaken your resolve." She paused, looking at Rachel expectantly before continuing. "He'll persist until you hear what he has to say. Cut him off at the pass and you'll completely confuse him, then when you tell him no go, he'll have to take you seriously."

_But I don't want to talk to him._ Rachel took a deep breath. "You really believe that?"

Lori tilted her head, contemplating. "I think Noah's smart enough to realize if you're serious. But he also knows you well enough to know that you shutting him out means you're not as indifferent as you want to be."

"But I am!" _Aren't I? _Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, opening them to grab for the wine glass again. _Damn it, Rachel, aren't you?_

Lori arched a brow. "Rach. Don't bullshit me."

"I – " _don't know..._A pained look crossed Rachel's features. "Lori, I'm just so hurt, and so angry." _And I want to just hold that to me forever, it's safer than anything else..._

"So let him know that! Let him hear that. Let him realize it hasn't gone away." Lori leaned down to catch Rachel's eyes. "But maybe think about _why _it hasn't gone away?"

_I don't want to. _Rachel rubbed her eyes, shaking her head slowly. "No. I think I want to go to bed." _Before I do something I'll regret._

Lori frowned quickly. "You want me to stay over?"

Rachel sighed. _I want this all to go away..._"Honestly, I don't know." _What a depressing way to spend a Friday night._ "I - oh, Lori, it's Friday! I completely lost track of that." _Or perhaps the wine did..._"Call Connor, go back over. I'm just going to bed. You can just give me a call in the morning, we'll grab brunch. Maybe a completely indulgent Max Brenner brunch. But go, spend time with your boyfriend. Don't let me stop you, and thank you for even coming over."

"Are you - are you sure?" Lori raised a brow. "Rach, I already told him it was a no-go tonight..."

"And you can change it just as quickly. Call. Go. I'm fine for tonight, I promise." She took another long drink. _Leave me to agonize in peace..._

Lori bit her lip. "Honey, really, it's fine, I can catch up with him another time."

"Lor, I'm going to brush my teeth, wash my face and go to bed." _Potentially. After the addition of more wine._ "I'm not even opening that portfolio tonight. I've had enough Noah Puckerman for the rest of the weekend." _Not to mention my life._ "Just...let it go for now. You've said your piece, just let me think about it, all right?"

Lori sighed. "All right. I don't believe you for a second, but all right."

"I promise, I'm fine. I'll be just fine." She set her jaw. _I have to be, somehow..._

Lori shook her head as she stood. "No, I mean about you thinking about what I've said, what he's said. You don't want to, so you won't. But that's okay." She kissed the top of Rachel's head. "Because I know that it'll just sit there and percolate in your subconscious. And I trust that will steer you right."

Rachel opened her mouth, closing it quickly. _She's letting you go, Rachel. Just take it and run. _Instead she nodded and stood. "Thanks for understanding, Lori."

"You're welcome, babe." Lori drained her glass. "This is still a hell of a lot better than you were a week ago. You're talking about it, you're admitting there's something to be dealt with."

"Yes, there is. The small matter of him leaving well enough alone." Rachel polished off the last of her merlot and took both empty wine flutes to the sink. _Because that is the only interaction I want._

"If that's what you'd like to call it." Lori smirked and took the empty bottles to the counter. "Good enough for tonight's purposes."

Rachel bit her cheek. _Leave it. _"You know, for someone who said that Noah's the only one who could push my buttons, you're doing a commendable job of it yourself."

Lori beamed, dropping a curtsy. "I try, my darling. Is it working?"

Rachel pursed her lips. _I knew it. You're goading me. _"Perhaps a bit." _And I'm susceptible tonight..._

Lori looked at her expectantly. "Shall I stay for a song?"

"I might not be able to let you leave." _You'll spend the whole night saving me from myself. _Rachel snorted a laugh, raising a brow. _But turnabout is fair play. _"So, you choose. Noah or Connor?" _Your turn to make that choice._

"Ha!" Lori wrapped her arms around her friend, hugging her tightly. "A regular comedienne we have here. I'm going to choose Connor, only because I think you've had enough for today. Once you stop to think – " Lori shook her head, leaning back to look into Rachel's eyes. "Honey, why don't I just stay? As soon as you're in the quiet..."

"I'll be pissed and sad and tossing and turning." _Believe me, I know. _She took Lori by the shoulders. "If I need anyone, Lor, I've got a professional down the hall. I'll be fine. I promise. I'll call you if I'm not, you can come back with Connor. Will he come get you now?"

Lori scoffed. "Why? It's Friday night of Labor Day weekend downtown. Everyone's out tonight." She narrowed her eyes at her friend. "But...if he does I can at least see you to bed. Done." She waved Rachel in the direction of the bathroom. "Go wash up while I call him."

* * *

Noah looked down at the cell phone in his hand. _I just want to know how she's doing..._He flipped it open, rubbing his thumb over the keypad and checking the time. _No one would be awake, would they? Except..._He scrolled through the contact lists, smirking as he reached the number he was looking for. _I know someone who would be..._

Lori blinked as her phone buzzed, flicking it open to read the text. "Oh, not even..."

**How is she?**

She shook her head, peering down the hall before typing a reply.

* * *

Rachel stared at herself in the mirror. _Well now you've gone and done it, haven't you. _She splashed water on her face and shook her head. _They'll never leave you alone._

"Rach! Connor's actually here, I'll catch you later!" Lori tapped lightly. "Rach?"

_Or, maybe they will? _Rachel dried her face quickly, yanking open the door. "Yes, what were you saying?"

Lori smirked, rolling her eyes. "Connor was actually heading to Rice and Riches, he'll be downstairs in a sec."

_She's really leaving without protest. _Rachel grinned. "Well, that's – that's really fortuitous, isn't it?" She kissed Lori's cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow, though?"

Lori nodded, hugging her. "Yes. You are going to go to bed, you are going to take a Tylenol PM if you have to, though for you I'd suggest putting a recital piece on and thinking about what you'd do to improve it until you fall asleep. How's the head?" Lori released her friend, looking her up and down.

_Not nearly as blissful as I'd like..._Rachel shrugged. "A little foggy, but nothing bad. You're right about the recital piece, I'll just get the CD from my bag and be set for the evening." _Perhaps another glass of wine..._"Thanks again for coming back, Lor."

Lori only smiled. "That's what friends are for, babe. I think you know there are a solid crew of people in your life that would do the same."

_I know, even if I don't always avail myself of them. _Rachel wrapped her arms around the Filipina. "That doesn't mean I appreciate it any less."

Lor squeezed her back. "So noted. Now you get a glass of water and get to bed." She stepped away from Rachel and grinned. "Or we could talk about whether things are mountable –"

"Good _night, _Lor." Rachel opened the door and stuck her tongue out. _Speaking of acting like a child._

Lori smirked. "Oooo, careful where you aim that, someone might –"

"Lori!" _Enough already. _Rachel pushed her out of the apartment. "Thank you and good night, I will see you tomorrow."

Lori winked. "You most certainly will. Good night, dear."

Rachel closed the door behind her, leaning against it for a moment. _That girl has lost her mind._

* * *

**2 empty bottles of wine btwn the 2 of us says she hasn't lost her mind but she wants to. Let her breathe a bit.**

_Fucking thing still hasn't rewritten itself. _Noah exhaled heavily, tossing his cell aside. _Not after rereading, showering, and brushing my teeth. _He dragged the sheet from the back of the couch and tossed his pillow down. _Well, so much for any contact with Rach tonight. _He glanced at the clock again. _I somehow doubt Q would appreciate it if I called after 11 on a Friday night, huh? _Shaking his head, he shut off the TV and lay back, closing his eyes.

* * *

Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. _Just relax. Inhale, exhale. Slow your heart. You're all right. _She pushed off of the door, rubbing a hand over her face. _Get that CD and go to bed. _"Bedtime. Sleep. Yes." She took a deep breath, retrieving the CD from her bag and retreating to her bedroom.

Noah groaned, turning over again. _Yeah, not working. No sleep for me. Not yet. _He sat up and crossed to the window, throwing it open and staring into the night. "Hey, Rach. How are you? Wanna make out?"

Rachel eyed her bed. _I will sleep tonight. I will. _She turned down the sheets, pressing play on the CD player next to her bed.

_"Kiss today goodbye,  
__The sweetness and the sorrow.  
__Wish me luck, the same to you.  
__But I can't regret  
__What I did for love, what I did for love..."_

_Maybe a different song choice would be better. _She punched her pillow, grimacing. _Except that the reviews when I performed it were "raw" and "stunning."_ She snorted. "I wonder why..." _It only encompasses everything I've been through..._

_"Gone...  
__love is never gone...  
__as we carry on  
__love's what we'll remember..."_

She shifted, sighing. _I remember it all too well..._

* * *

Noah shook his head, picking out a melody. _No lyrics yet. But this is something I can work with, I'm sure._

"Sounds sad," Ilana said softly, emerging from the hallway. "I had to – what's that you used to say? Break the seal?"

Noah chuckled, setting the guitar down. "Yeah, that'd be it. It's okay, just something I'm playing around with. Can I get you something?"

She held up her glass. "Just a refill. I have a touch of a headache, though not nearly as much as I'd have without those Advil. I just need to hydrate and rest." She nodded towards the guitar. "Don't stop working on my account, sweetheart."

He shrugged, sitting back down on the couch. "I can't think of lyrics, so I was probably gonna stop anyway. I just have the melody."

"It'll come to you when it's ready, right?"

He gave her a half-smile. "I sure hope so. It'd suck to have a pretty melody and no words."

"Just give it time." She sat next to him on the couch. "On all of it. Rachel too."

* * *

Rachel shut off the CD, pulling the pillow over her head instead. _This was supposed to _ lifted it slightly and glanced over at the heavy book on her nightstand. _So was that, and you see where it got you, Rachel..._She flicked the light off and laid back, closing her eyes. _Damn you, Noah..._

* * *

He opened his mouth, closing it and shaking his head. _Aw, fuck it. _"Ma, what did you say to her before we left for dinner? She looked like she was gonna lose it."

Ilana smiled at him, cupping his face in her hands. "I thanked her for giving me you."

_Oh, shit, Ma..._Noah shook his head, closing his eyes. "Ma, I - you didn't - "

Ilana chuckled. "Noah. I love you. That's all. Nothing else needs be said. All right?" She patted his knee. "You work."

He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "Thanks, Ma." _I love you too. _He picked up his guitar, strumming again. "I'll try to get to bed soon."

She smiled. "Sweetheart. Don't kid yourself. Everything will be there whenever you wake up. You take your time." She dropped a kiss on his head again, retrieving her glass and making her way down the hall. "Besides, we can always call Rachel if we get stir-crazy."

"Ma!" Noah looked towards her. _They totally would. _"No. Just wake me up."

"Can't blame me for trying," she sing-songed back.

"No, but I _will_ if you do call her. I'm..." He shook his head. _It still shocks me, but..._"I'm trying to give her a breather."

Ilana laughed again. "How long will that last?"

He smirked. "Well, we have class on – _fuck!" Holiday fucking weekend. _"If I'm real good, till class on Wednesday. Maybe even Friday."

"And if you're _not?" _His mother's footsteps slowed.

"I'll show up at her job tomorrow night." _Damn it, Ma, I was trying not to think about it. _Noah plucked arpeggios again.

"You know." Ilana paused. "Sarah and I _should_ have a girls' night here. Tomorrow would be lovely." With that, she entered the bedroom, closing the door quickly.

_Not cool, Ma. Not. Cool. _He rubbed his hands down his face. _I should let her breathe._

* * *

Rachel blew out a breath, shifting onto her side. _Tylenol PM? _She pursed her lips. _I have too much to do tomorrow, I shouldn't. _She turned the light back on, looking over at the book. _It's all your fault._

* * *

_It doesn't do any good to push her too far. Not when it's kinda your fault. _He pinched the bridge of his nose and grabbed his guitar. _Take a break, Puckerman. _He flexed his fingers, playing arpeggios at increasing speed.

* * *

Rachel threw the covers off, reaching for the light switch and then the book. _You and me. No Lori, no Daddy. You have something to tell me here, Noah, just say it._ She opened to the page she'd left on. She skimmed lyrics of lost chances and swallowed hard. _Yes. Damn it, Noah, that's it. I saw you and you didn't want to._ She bit her lip, rereading. _Or...or couldn't?_ She inhaled slowly. _Just turn the page._ Scanning, she flipped forward. _Sung that ode to insecurity already, thank you, Professor Greene..._Running her finger down the score, she caught her breath. _He couldn't...he wasn't possibly..._She hummed under her breath, shaking her head at the lyrics.

_"Out here in the desert I slave away  
__Building what will be forgotten one day  
__In this mausoleum I will reside  
__Trading life for suicide..."_

_He's just being dramatic. _Rachel shut the portfolio and put it aside again. _It's Noah Puckerman. There's no way he would deprive the women of the world of his presence. _She looked at the book again and burrowed under her sheets. _Right?_

* * *

Noah sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. _Bed, Puckerman. Enough. _He placed the guitar in the corner, flopping onto the couch. _You're gonna need your rest to keep up with those two. _He blew out a breath and shut off the light, draping an arm over his eyes.

* * *

Rachel peered out from the covers, glaring at the book. _I'm going to be up all night at this rate..._She threw the comforter over her again. _Just_ stop it, _Rachel_. _Noah is entirely too - but...No. Stop it. There's no way he would ever have -_

_**The hurt and despair in his eyes as he told her Quinn had the baby taken from his arms.**_

Rachel clutched the blankets closer. _Tylenol PM seems to be in the cards. She swallowed. Or you could just call and ask..._

_No_. She buried her face in her pillow. _No, I can't. Because he'll think - he'll think - but -_ She bit her lip, turning over. _It's after 1 AM, you have a bottle and a half of white Merlot in you. You're not thinking clearly. _She fluffed her pillow, shifting again. _Go to sleep. _She lifted the sheets, looking out into the room.

* * *

_**"Ohhhhhhh, sweet Caroline..."**_

Noah rolled over. _Just to see her smile at me again..._

_**"Good times never seemed so good..."**_

_The phone!_ He bolted upright, fumbling for his phone. "He-"

"Noah, _wake up._ This is _important."_ _I need you coherent, and it's 1:30 in the morning. _Rachel paced from the bed to the window and back again. "I have to ask you - you know what? No. I'm just - I don't - You -"

_She actually fucking called. _He blinked foggily. "Rach, what's -"

"I - " _Oh, damn it, Rachel, you didn't think this through..._She stopped, pressing a fist to her forehead. _Damn it._ "I've been..." She drew a deep breath, words pouring from her in a rush. "I've been reading a little more of your portfolio, and I arrived at this - this song - Wanderful - and, Noah, you know that it's _won_derful, don't you? Well, I -"

He chuckled, rubbing a hand over his eyes. _Holy shit, am I really awake? _"I do, Rach, it was -"

"Damn it!" She stomped her foot. _I told myself and I just couldn't take the chance..._"You're going to tell me it was a joke. The whole song was a joke."

"What?" He shook his head, sitting up. _That sounds like I don't want it to be true. _"Wait, I'm -"

She pressed a hand to her head, pacing again. _Why did I even waste my time? _"I knew it, I _knew _it, you're entirely too self-assured to have ever contemplated something so - so -"

"Rachel, what are you -" _Wanderful? Oh, shit. _"You mean the - the line about -" He winced. "Rach -"

_Because it's just unacceptable, that's why. _She glared out the window. "So _idiotic!_ Honestly, Noah, not even in my darkest hour did I wish myself no longer here, and you should know better than that, even with what little you know of our faith -"

He grimaced again. _I didn't even think about that line when I sent it..._"I know, Rachel, I wasn't -"

_And how little faith you have in yourself. _She shook her head. "And I told myself that you did, that there was no way you'd think about it, and it was just a musical motif, dramatic effect -"

"It was." _But you worried. _He sighed. "Rachel -"

She pursed her lips. _Damn you for making me care..._"And it _worked_, it was powerful imagery, which, frankly, I was impressed by, as I didn't realize you knew quite so much about history -"

_I learn when it matter. Like with you. _He spoke louder. _"Rachel -"_

_And like an idiot I called..._She winced. "But I just couldn't let it go without saying that I saw it and I -

_Just let me talk, please..._"Rach -"

_I'm going to say it anyway, just in case. _She set her jaw. "I _don't_ approve, and I think you'd be squandering your potential. You've got a lot to live for and - "

"I love you." He exhaled giddily. _I finally told you. _"I love you, Rachel."

Rachel caught her breath. "A-and you shouldn't even think of doing that, so, I just wanted that - you should - good night, Noah." She clicked the phone shut, shivering. _I - I should - bed, yes, that's - that's what I..._She stumbled to the bed, curling under the covers. _I should just..._She squeezed her eyes shut. _I should..._She swiped at her cheeks, burying her face in her pillow again.

_I said it. _Noah grinned, chuckling quietly. "I fucking said it," he whispered. "Ha!" He stood, grabbing his guitar and pacing the living room. His fingers picked through arpeggios again as he let the relief course through him. "I finally said it." He closed his eyes, humming. "You got a lot to live...you got a lot to live for..." Noah nodded, swinging his guitar behind him and grabbing staff paper. _Not sleeping anytime soon, in a much better way._ He started scribbling furiously. _Let's see how many songs I write for you tonight, Rach._

* * *

Ilana rubbed her eyes blearily, stepping out into the living room. "Thank goodness I took that Adv - Noah?" She blinked, moving to the table. "Sweetheart, are you -"

Noah looked up from the staff paper surrounding him. _Oh, holy shit. _"Hi, Ma. How'd you sleep?"

"Much better than you, apparently." She nodded towards the mess.

He grinned. "Oh, this isn't from lack of sleep. I was inspired last night." _Well, she always inspires me, but this is...this is awesome._

Ilana dropped into a seat. "She didn't."

"She _did." _He smirked. _And it was fucking perfect._

"And?" She raised a brow, gesturing encouragingly.

"And...we talked." _And I said some stuff. _He tried to keep his expression neutral.

"And?" She rolled her eyes, waving him on.

"And..." He met his mother's gaze. _I got her attention, finally. _"I told her I love her."

Ilana's eyes went wide. _"And?"_

He shrugged. _She's still Rachel Berry. _"And she hung up."

"Oh." Ilana picked up a page. "Not quite as exciting as I'd hoped."

"No. But the shell-shock was fun." _Especially knowing that my voice, telling her I love her, is going to be in her head all day long..._He gathered up the music. _This is gonna be good._

* * *

Rachel groaned, rolling over and throwing the covers off. _Not good. Not good. _She massaged her throbbing temples. _No water, no pain reliever, and..._She fumbled for her phone, cracking an eye to see the last call record. _And that really did happen._ She swallowed and sat up, lurching out of the bedroom.

"Rachel? Baby girl, are you -" Will stopped. "Oh, sweetheart. How much wine did you have last night?"

"Enough that I called Noah after 1 in the morning," she rasped. _So much for not doing anything foolish. _"Water, Advil, and a new life please?"

Will shook his head and handed her a tall glass of water. "Lori left?"

Rachel nodded slowly, sipping. "I realized it was Friday, which is her night with Connor, so I told her to go." _And I wonder if that wasn't intentional on some level..._

Raising a brow, Will sat. "And then?"

_And then I was even more of an idiot. _She pursed her lips. "And then I opened the portfolio back up."

Will bit back a grin. "And what happened?"

Rachel took the Advil, sighing. "And then I saw a line that referenced suicide and I just couldn't let it go." _Even though I knew it wasn't true. I knew it wasn't, and I picked up the phone._

Will patted her hand. "You couldn't, or the wine couldn't?"

She laughed lightly. "Precisely. So I called him." _I was only looking for an excuse, wasn't I..._She traced a finger around the rim of her water glass. "And I can't recall anything much, but I know I told him that he had a lot to live for, and..."

Will raised a brow. "And?"

_Are you ready to face this, Rachel? _She licked her lips. _I may as well..._"And then he told me he loves me."

Will's eyes went wide. "Dan! Get in here!"

"Ow!" Rachel pressed her hands to her ears. "Daddy!" _Well, maybe if I'm deaf, I'll be able to get out of this..._

"Screw your hangover, sweetheart, this is one for the books." Will chuckled as his husband entered the room. "After all the crap you gave us, you stepped right in it."

Rachel dropped her head to the table. "Don't remind me!" _I'm my own worst enemy when you add alcohol..._

Will stroked her hair. "Oh, Rachel. _I_ don't have to."

She groaned. _I know. Because Noah will. _"Can I just drop out of grad school?"

Will grinned. "Then you wouldn't be his TA."

"Oh, damn it." She sat up, taking a long drink of water. "I'm just screwed." _At the end of every option is Noah Puckerman..._

Dan joined them at the table. "That's what _he's_ hoping, huh?" He winked.

"Dad!" Rachel buried her head in her hands. _Well, at least It can only get better from here..._

_Right?_

* * *

**A.N.: **And there were are, my darlings, on the precipice of all things Puckleberry. I do hope this was worth the wait for you guys, I'm going to give them a breather, maybe write TGTP, and then be right back with them. I love them too much here to leave them for long.

And Skye - I chortled when I got the question about Max Brenner's because I had this drafted when I got it - second Max Brenner reference already included here. ;)

Love you, bbs. :)


	18. Erase and Rewind

**A.N. **There are no words to express how sorry I am it's taken this long to update. June and July have gone by in a blur due to personal stuff that you might've caught on my Twitter or LJ. All is well now, but it's been a rough go! As a result, this has lingered, yet again, and I can only thank you for still caring enough to read!

On that note, _**neverending thanks **_to any/all of you involved in the Puckleberry Fanfiction Awards on LJ! I am so honored and will be giving you all voting details soon!

For now, read on with my gratitude...

* * *

_Suggested listening: Erase and Rewind, The Cardigans; Model Homes, In-Flight Safety; Take it All, Adele; Factory, Band of Horses; Little Lovin', Lissie_

**Chapter 17 – Erase and Rewind**

Rachel splashed cold water on her face, shaking her head at her reflection. _It can only get better from here. It must. It can't possibly get worse. _She retreated to her bedroom, peering out the window at the city.

* * *

Noah rubbed his hands over his face, looking at the songs he'd written. _She really is my muse. _He picked up the waltz. _If she'd only stop to listen..._He grinned. _Well, actually...she is. She's just taking her time about it. _He hummed the melody to himself. _Which gives me time to think of lyrics. _He put the sheet music down, shaking his head. _I just can't believe she called, she worried...And I got to tell her I love her. _He took a deep breath. "Today is going to be a great day." _Especially if she wants to continue that conversation this morning..._

* * *

_I cannot believe I called him. _She bit her lip and glanced over to the portfolio again. _What was I thinking? _Was _I thinking? _She rubbed her forehead and grabbed her cell phone. _Please be awake..._Rachel examined her nails while the phone rang.

"Hello?" Lori's voice came groggily over the line. "Rach?"

"Hi Lori, how are you?" _How about tired, Rachel, did you look at the time? _She winced. "I know it's only 9 am but I was wondering whether you were perhaps free before your shift at the station at 3, and would possibly wish to -"

"You called him, didn't you." Lori rubbed her eyes, sitting up in bed and patting Connor on the shoulder.

"I - " _Damn it, am I that predictable? _Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. "I might have braved another song in the portfolio and -"

"Uh-oh. And?" Lori stretched, rolling her eyes. "I'm sure it's going to be a doozy."

_I'm definitely dazed..._She sat on the bed. "And he made a flippant mention of suicide."

Lori blinked. "Oh, that'd do it. And you had to call."

Rachel nodded, throwing herself down on the mattress. "I had to call." _And please don't ask me why._

* * *

Noah glanced down at his phone again, chuckling. _All right, fine, she's not calling back. _"C'mon, guys, breakfast awaits."

Ilana emerged, nodding. "Sarah's right behind me. You'd think you have an _agenda _to accomplish today. I thought this was supposed to be a _relaxing _vacation!"

He shrugged. "I kinda _do _have one, Ma." _Several agendas, actually, but only some are appropriate right now..._He bit back a laugh. "You guys wanna do a lot before you leave. I wanna make sure you hit the highlights."

"I can just hit _you, _Noah, _that'd _be a highlight," Sarah teased. She nodded towards the stack of papers on the table. "What's all that?"

Shoving his hands in his pocket, Noah fought a grin. _She's gonna flip. _"Uh, I was writing last night."

Sarah giggled. "She called you," she sang.

He nodded. _She did, and I took advantage of the opportunity..._"Good work, rugrat."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "I haven't been a rugrat in ages, but whatever. So? How'd it go?"

"I think it went well." He slid into a seat and ran his hands over his head. _Let's see if I can sneak this past her. _"We talked, I told her I love her, and -"

"Wait, what?" Sarah held up a hand. "You said _what?"_

* * *

Lori playfully elbowed Connor in the ribs, grinning. "What did he say, Rachel."

_Damn it. _She licked her lips deliberately. _Why did I call her again? _"What makes you think that he said anything?"

Lori slapped at Connor's arm with both hands, squealing. "I knew it, _I knew it _- he was bursting to tell you, it was all over him –"

"And yet you _left!"_ Rachel flipped over with a groan. _Aren't you supposed to save me from myself? _"You left me, you knew –"

"Ah-ah-ah..._You_ told me to leave, Rach." Lori shook her head. "You gave me authorization, you told me you were going straight to bed, and you said you'd call me."

Rachel massaged her temple, sighing. "I know. And I should've just maintained that plan." _Why couldn't I have just proceeded as we agreed? _She glared at the book. "I should have had you take the portfolio with you. It's dangerous."

"It jumped up into your hands?" Lori tucked the phone into the crook of her ear and shoulder while she got dressed. "It attacked from across the room?"

Rachel stuck her tongue out at the empty room. _Okay, fine..._"Yes. I told you it was possessed. It tried to kill me," she said flatly. _In a way, it really did..._

"I find that highly likely. I'll bring an exorcist and a baseball bat." Lori kissed Connor noisily. "I'll be there in ten?"

Rachel exhaled roughly. "Please? Let's get breakfast, I think I need to get out of here for a bit, clear my head." _If that's even humanly possible._

"Done, babe. I'll buzz you from the front when I get there, okay?" Lori checked her reflection in the mirror. "Lemme just brush my teeth."

"However long you need, Lor, I'll be here moping." Rachel pouted at herself. _I really will. I can't imagine anything else._

Lori grinned. "At least you have enough insight to know that's what you're doing." She moved to the bathroom. "See you soon, Rach."

_If only insight is what I had last night, instead of too much wine..._"Bye, Lori." Rachel hung up, burying her face in her pillows again.

* * *

Noah nodded. _I told her I love her. Present tense. Right now._

Sarah beamed. "Now I _really_ want to bump into her. Where are we going for breakfast?"

Ilana laughed. "I thought we were trying not to be too pushy or persistent? What would we say? What a coincidence we're at your favorite breakfast place, Rachel?" She snagged Sarah by the shoulder to kiss her head. "I think Noah said the most important thing he could have last night, no?"

* * *

Lori turned to Connor. "What did you say to him last night?"

"What do you mean?" He rubbed a hand over his scalp, sitting up. "What was all the freaking out about, anyway?"

"Oh, he finally told her he loves her." She stuck the toothbrush in her mouth, turning away from her boyfriend.

"He _what?" _Connor followed her in, frowning. "He called her?"

"See cauled hum." Lori grinned in the reflection of the bathroom mirror.

"See cauled –" He paused. "_She_ called?"

Lori nodded, rinsing. "She did. And he carpe diemed. Or noctemed? What would seize the night be?"

Connor shook his head. "Whatever it is, is she okay?"

Lori dried her face, turning to Connor. "I think she's going to be just fine. Finally."

Connor nodded slowly. "You know, I hope she is."

"Me too, which is why we're having breakfast." She kissed him quickly. "You're at Next Gen all day?"

"Yup, I'm out of here in a couple of hours." He waved her off. "Don't worry about it though, I'll text you after I get off work."

"And I'll probably be running around with the station, but I'll try to get back to you." She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing. "Thanks, baby."

Connor kissed the top of her head. "You're welcome? I don't know for what though."

"For helping both of them, and for being awesome in the sack." Lori winked.

He rolled his eyes. "Only you would thank me for those two things in sequence."

"Yup! Just part of my charm." She kissed him again before grabbing her bag and heading out the door.

* * *

Noah grinned. "I did that, didn't I?" He blew out a breath. _Hate to disappoint you, but..._"And I'm with Ma, Sar, sorry, but I'd rather we just pick breakfast depending on what you want, not where Rach might be." _No matter how much I want to just grab her and kiss her and never let go._

Sarah pouted. "Fiiiiiiiiiine, I get it. And yeah, you're probably right. But I just want you guys to fix it, you know?"

Noah rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I know. We've had this conversation before, kid, and it hasn't changed since last night. It's only _more_ important not to push her too hard." _I'll just write song after song till I can talk to her. Or sing to her. _He smirked. _Whichever comes first._

* * *

Rachel jumped as the intercom buzzed. _Thank goodness. _She burst from the bedroom, waving at her fathers. "I'm going for breakfast."

Dan laughed. "With Noah? I'm sure he'd love to."

"Dad!" Rachel pouted. _I miss when you'd just leave it alone..._"With Lori, thank you very much, and I still...I haven't figured out –"

Dan waved her off. "I know, sweetheart. I'm just...I'm honestly happy it's out there. Now you get to figure out what to do. There's nothing he has to hold over you, nothing for you to be afraid of. You already know everything there is to know from him."

"I –" Rachel paused, frowning. _I never thought about it that way, actually. _"I suppose that's true."

Will patted Dan's hand. "You've gotten so smart, being married to me."

Dan raised a brow. "Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? When did I get my MD again?"

Will raised a brow in answer. "And how many psychology classes did that require? I'm speaking of your insight into the human condition, darling, and we both know that that developed under my tutelage –"

Dan scoffed. "Oh, please." He turned to Rachel. "Have fun, pumpkin. Where are you going for breakfast?"

She shrugged, putting her sunglasses on. "Not sure. We'd talked about Max Brenner's, but we didn't solidify anything. Maybe Murray's, who knows." _I don't seem to know much of anything this morning, it seems..._

* * *

Sarah nodded reluctantly. "All right, fine. So, breakfast?"

Noah shrugged. _It's New York City. _"We got pretty much everything. Bagels, waffles, diner food –"

"Bagels!" Sarah nodded enthusiastically. "It's New York, you _have _to get bagels. I got my pizza last night, but I still need to have a New York bagel."

Noah chuckled. "So Murray's it is." _I figured anyway._ "It's kind of a walk, but it's not super hot and it's worth it." He licked his lips. "I'll take you the long way, up Broadway to 12th. We could just walk over to 6th, but there's more fun stuff on Broadway."

"But –" Sarah looked at the music again, frowning suspiciously. "Did you sleep at all, Noah?"

"Sar, I'm good." His yawn belied his words. _Damn it, that couldn't have waited?_ He rolled his eyes. "I've done worse."

"So?" She raised a brow. "Doesn't mean you should, right, Ma?" She turned to their mother righteously.

Ilana held up her hands. "She _does _have a point, Noah. You sleep for a little bit, now that the bed is empty. We'll go get bagels. I think we're capable." She patted his shoulder. "Listen to your sister for once."

He stretched, rubbing his eyes. _Wish I'd listened to her years ago. _"Look, you give me twenty minutes and I swear I'm good to go. Just let me –"

"Noah. You sleep. We'll go get bagels. And when we get back, if we're ready to leave, we'll wake you. All right? We're the guests and we're saying it's fine. Just relax." She kissed his forehead. "You had something of an eventful night. I'm sure it's the adrenaline that's keeping you running, but once that runs out, you're going to crash. Badly."

"But –" He yawned again. _Shit. _"All right, fine, you win. But just grab the bagels and come back, it's easier - Murray's doesn't really have seats."

"I think we may just sit at Union Square, but thank you." She gestured towards the bedroom. "Go."

He sighed. "Yeah, I got it. Going." Pushing back from the table, he headed to the bedroom. _Only because otherwise I know I'll never hear the end of it from you two._

* * *

"Well, have a good time. Relax, exhale, and we'll see you later?" Dan kissed her cheek.

Rachel caught her lip between her teeth. "Actually, I have a matinee today for the holiday weekend, so I'll be gone most of the day." She leaned down to kiss her dad's cheek. _Thank goodness for that, I'm beginning to think._ "I'll probably stop back between the matinee and the performance tonight." She kissed Will's cheek and smiled sheepishly.

"We'll be around if you need anything, baby girl." Will kissed her temple and waved her off. "Now go meet Lori."

She nodded. _I need peace of mind, if you find that, let me know..._"I'll see you both later, love you." She moved to the door.

"We love you too, Rachel," Dan called after her. "All of us."

_Thanks for that, Dad. _Waving, she left the apartment.

* * *

Ilana turned to Sarah as his door closed. "What are the odds _we_ can find Rachel?"

Sarah blinked incredulously at her mother. "But – I thought –"

Ilana grabbed her bag, urging Sarah out of the apartment. "Seeing Noah would set her over the edge. Seeing _you_ should be like...a nudge. A gentle reminder of how wonderfully she fits."

Sarah beamed as they got on the elevator. "Well then hopefully, from the way Noah bumps into people, our chances are real good."

Her mother frowned. "He only bumped into the one person on the way back – though he _does _run into Rachel a lot..."

"And her ex-boyfriend was walking by last night when he was sitting outside." Sarah raised her eyebrows. "He's like a _magnet."_

"Well, let's hope we have some magnetism of our own, hmm?" Ilana hugged her daughter and opened the door to step outside. "Let's see what there is to see..."

* * *

Dan grinned at his husband. "You think Ilana wants to go to breakfast?"

"Dan!" Will shook his head. "No. What would we do anyway, check everywhere around Union Square to find them?"

Dan frowned. "True. We could call and ask her to bring something –"

"No." Will opened his newspaper. "Let this one go."

Dan pouted. "But –"

"Daniel." Will peered at him over the Times. "Believe me, I know, and I would love to, but she needs to breathe. Leave it."

Dan smirked. "Can't stop me."

Will only raised a brow.

Dan giggled, snatching the paper. "Or can you?"

* * *

Rachel walked outside, exhaling as she approached Lori. _I can do this._

Lori took in the slight drag in her friend's step and opened her arms.

Rachel stepped into her embrace, dropping her head on Lori's shoulder. "I should've kept you last night." _And kept my mouth shut, and my sanity..._

Lori shrugged. "I could have insisted. But..." She lifted a shoulder. "I think it went down the way it needed to. _And _I think you know it too. You opening that portfolio was just looking for an excuse in the state of mind and drink you were in."

"I do have a touch of a headache," Rachel admitted. _Why hadn't that kicked in sooner?_

Lori patted her back. "We'll go to Max Brenner's, get me a coffee and you some chocolate. You can tell me all about it."

_And then hopefully I'll never think of it again. _Rachel nodded and pulled back. "Please. Want to walk up Mercer?"

"Yup." Lori slid her sunglasses on and motioned for Rachel to precede her.

Rachel rolled her neck and started walking. _Casual conversation, you are my friend. _"How was your night with Connor?"

Lori grinned. "It was fine. You want details?"

"No!" Rachel held up a hand. "Please, no." _Every so often, she's a _little _too free..._

Lori shuffled her feet. "Not even about who he ran into?"

"Who he –" Rachel slapped a hand to her head. _Oh, please, for the love of Streisand..._"Don't even tell me..."

* * *

Ilana stopped at the corner. "This is...Mercer, right? Broadway's that way?" She pointed ahead.

Sarah rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone. "Maybe we should've waited for Noah to wake up?"

Ilana frowned at her daughter. "We can do this. It's Broadway to 12th. Though..."

"We don't know which way to turn." Sarah raised a brow. "Right?"

Ilana bit her lip. "Right. Or maybe left. Does that thing tell you where 6th Avenue is? Didn't Noah say that's the other way we could have gone? So it's between Broadway and 6th. That shouldn't be so bad. Just get your map working, we'll be fine."

Sarah stuck her tongue out. "I'm trying! It's just not loading. Do you want to just walk to Broadway?"

Ilana looked down the block. "We could. Do _you _want to?"

* * *

"So you don't want to know?" Lori giggled. "Are you suuuuuuuuuure?"

Rachel pouted. "Can't I at least get chocolate in my system? Because I'm fairly certain I know –" _That – please tell me that's not – _She grabbed Lori. "Can we not cross the street right now?" she whispered.

Lori frowned. "Rach, what's going on?" She looked across the street and burst out laughing. "Jesus Christ, your world is so damn small..."

Rachel watched Sarah look around at street signs. "You're telling _me?" I should have known he'd be nearby..._She sighed as the light changed. "Come on." _I can't just leave them wandering._

* * *

Sarah frowned at her phone. "Okay, I got it, it actually looks like we could walk this way and –"

"Where are you trying to get to?" Rachel interjected. _Please let it be in the opposite direction..._

Ilana and Sarah's gazes shot to the new voice.

"Rachel!" Sarah beamed, launching herself to hug their savior. "Help! My stupid brother stayed up all night and now we have to figure out where Murray's Bagels is."

"Up all –" Rachel caught herself, smiling tightly as Sarah let go. _It's none of your business, nor do you want it to be. _"Well, you're taking the long way, it seems – you could have just gone towards 6th Avenue and you'd just make a right on 12th."

"That's what Noah said before he went to bed, but he said walking on Broadway would be more fun?" Ilana threw up her hands. "I have no idea what that means."

Lori chuckled. "That would be accurate. Good morning, Sarah, good morning, Mrs. Puckerman."

"Good morning, Lori, how are you? Did you have a good night?" Ilana smiled, raising a brow.

Lori grinned. "It was eventful, to say the least."

Rachel rolled her eyes. _Honestly, I'm surrounded. _"Well, you're heading the right way for Broadway, if that's how you want to go."

"I'll go whichever way gets us there at this point," Ilana grumbled. "Where are you two heading?"

Rachel looked to Lori, who shrugged slightly. "Not the same end location, but the same general location." _You can do this, Rachel. _"We can walk together until 12th if you'd like, but you two have further to go than we do in order to get to Murray's."

Sarah sighed. "A _lot_ farther? He _did _say it was the long way, but –"

"It's not bad at all! You'll pass the Strand Bookstore, which is fantastic, and little shops. And then you can walk 6th Avenue back." _And not bump into me again. Or call Noah. Dear heaven..._She swallowed hard, struggling to keep her voice nonchalant. "No need to trouble Noah when he's obviously exhausted."

Ilana bit back a smile. "Don't worry, Rachel, we won't. If you'll get us to 12th, that would be tremendously appreciated."

She nodded. _I actually believe you. On all counts._ "Of course, Mrs. Puckerman. Did you have a good night?" She gestured Sarah and Ilana along as she walked. "I know my fathers had a lovely time."

Ilana allowed herself the smile. "I'm having a fantastic vacation, I'm sure Sarah would agree. Dinner was delightful, and it was a treat to really sit down with your fathers. Thank you for staying with Sarah."

"It was my pleasure," Rachel said, waving a hand. "I had fun." _Until Noah came back and I lost my mind. The usual._

Sarah beamed. "I did too." She looked at Rachel hopefully. "Can we do it again the next time I visit?"

_No. _Rachel smiled tightly. "Let's see when that is and what I'm doing, would that be all right?"

Sarah nodded. "Of course! I know you're super-busy, I just wanted you to know how much I really enjoyed hanging out with you."

Rachel blew out a breath as she crossed the street. "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, Sarah. I did too." _As a rare and extraordinary event. Not as a regular occurrence to put your brother and me in the same space constantly._ She gestured ahead of her. "I didn't want to turn you on Broadway, since it's a bit wide of a circle, but Mercer is a really nice walk as well. This entire area is very much geared to the younger New Yorker, a little more eccentric than the stores on Broadway."

Ilana shrugged. "Sweetheart, I just want the bagel at the end and to give Noah enough time to actually rest. We have the sightseeing day today, but I might switch it to tomorrow and let Noah sleep. I think Sarah and I can make it to the beach by ourselves, right?"

_There goes any thought I had to going. _She nodded. "It really is simple to get to Long Beach on the train. If that's what you were thinking, I'd tend to agree."

"I'm honestly not sure – Noah just said the beach. He hasn't been, so far as I know, so I'm certain he isn't even sure what he's talking about." Ilana smiled. "He's trying to pack all of New York City into one long weekend. He's so thoughtful."

Rachel raised her eyebrows at Lori. _And this is why I didn't want to spend time with Mrs. Puckerman..._

Lori laughed. "You mean _now_ he is," she countered.

Ilana rolled her eyes. "Oh, believe me, I know. I should probably say he's so thoughtful now that he's grown up." She looked at Rachel sidelong.

"Oh, and here we are!" Rachel gestured grandly at the street sign. _Thank goodness. _"This is our turn on 12th. You two will just keep walking until you get to 6th and Murray's is right there." _I should know, it's _my _spot._

"That fast?" Sarah frowned. "I wanted more time."

Rachel smiled tightly. _And I wanted less. _"It's really not all that far from NYU to Union Square. It just seems that way since the precise grid the city planners plotted for midtown and above gets messy downtown."

Sarah folded her arms. "I don't care _why, _I just wish it wasn't so soon."

Rachel raised a brow. _Soon? _"Because all night last night wasn't enough?"

Sarah sniffed disdainfully. "Are you kidding? After how long you've been gone? Um, no. Not even close. It's been, like, five years since we really hung out. I know. I counted."

Ilana squeezed her daughter's shoulder. "Sarah. Relax. We'll be back. And I'm sure you and Rachel can be in touch, right?"

Sarah looked up at Rachel pleadingly. "Can we?"

_Damn it. _Rachel bit back her sigh and smiled. "Yes, Sarah, we can. I still have the same cell phone number, you can call me."

The younger girl grinned. "Awesome, I will. Thanks, Rachel. I missed you."

"I missed you too." _All of you. _Rachel blinked, the thought unbidden. _I did, didn't I. _"I'm glad you're having a good time, and good luck today. Enjoy the beach."

"We will, Rachel, thank you." Ilana rubbed Sarah's shoulder. "For everything. We'll speak soon, I'm sure."

Lori nodded. "Oh, I'm sure. Anyway, breakfast awaits us, ladies." She took Rachel's hand. "I need chocolate."

_I need...something. _Rachel smiled and waved automatically, opening the heavy wood door and seeking shelter inside.

* * *

Ilana and Sarah looked at each other, waving and walking slowly up the block. Ilana raised a brow. "Think she knew we know she called?"

Sarah shrugged. "Don't know, and don't especially care. She has the same number. Why wouldn't she change it when she moved if she didn't want people to reach her?" She met her mother's gaze with a smirk. "He just never used it."

Ilana stopped, looking at her daughter. "You really _are _smart, Sarah. I didn't even think of that."

Sarah gave a mock bow. "Here's hoping he got through to her."

Ilana laughed. "Here's hoping."

* * *

"They're gone, right?" Rachel peeked out the window. "They didn't turn around and decide they needed chocolate more than bagels for Noah?" _I wouldn't put it past my life..._

Lori shook her head. "They didn't turn around, babe, you're good." She giggled. "Or as good as you could be while he's got you twisted in knots and his family stalks you inadvertently."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "That would be an accurate assessment." _Even if you missed the part where my family and you are encouraging me to be one with the maelstrom._ She smiled at the hostess. "Two please?" Following along to the table, she turned back to Lori. "And I wanted to go to the beach today."

Lori burst out laughing. "Not now you don't!" She sat and accepted the menu, shaking her head again. "Maybe you need to start going to a different beach."

_"No."_ Rachel glared. _First my school, now my beach? _"I'm not changing what beach I go to because Noah might be there. I just –" She pursed her lips. "I just don't want to go there when there's a really high _likelihood _he'll be there, if I can help it."

Lori gave a half-smile. "Well, that's fair. You sure you don't want a romantic reunion on the beach?"

Rachel turned a dull gaze to her best friend. "Very funny. I have no desire to see him at the beach, or anywhere for that matter." _Even if he looks phenomenal without a shirt – _Rachel! She shook herself. "Not at all."

Lori narrowed her eyes at her companion. "Are you sure about that?"

"I am," Rachel said firmly. _I am absolutely sure. _

Lori only raised a brow.

_What? _Rachel shifted. "I _am, _Lor, _what?" Stop _looking _at me like that..._

Lori opened her menu, looking down intently. "I just saw something in your eyes for a moment, that's all. Just curious."

Rachel swallowed, following suit. _I don't know what you saw. _"I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well, for obvious reasons."

"Actually..." Lori closed her menu. "I think I know what I want, and I would love to talk about those -" She used her fingers to make air quotes. " - 'obvious reasons', my dear, considering they're not so obvious to me."

"I – " Rachel traced a finger down her menu, avoiding Lori's eyes. _What are you trying to accomplish? _"I don't know what you mean. It's a lot to process, I don't understand what's unclear."

Lori leaned down to try to catch Rachel's eyes. "I _mean, _why did you pick up the portfolio again? I thought we agreed you'd had enough for one evening and you were supposed to go to bed." She raised her eyebrows. "I would have _stayed_ if you wanted to read more, honey, you know that!"

"I know, Lori, I..." Rachel sighed, looking up and running a hand through her hair. _I just want to put this behind me already. _"I thought I'd be okay, I thought I would just get more out of the way, so I could just have this done with. I'm..." She blew out a breath. "I'm tired of this dance, Lor. I'm tired of it. I just want this to go away, I want the semester to be over, I want to live my life again."

"Rach, I know you well enough by now to know there's more to it than you're tired." Lori raised a brow. "Was the portfolio calling you from across the room?"

"Yes, actually." Rachel closed her menu. _It sang, and it sounded like heartbreak. _She pursed her lips. "Fine, all right, I'm tired, I knew he had something to say, and I was hoping I would just find it in the music. Instead, I find a reference to suicide that sent me into a tizzy and I called him. And he managed to squeeze in an 'I love you' before I even realized what was happening. Happy now?" _I hope one of us is. _She smiled at the woman filling up her water glass. "You told me to hear him out, and I was trying to hear him out without talking to him, and it all completely backfired. Instead I got a declaration of – " She paused and swallowed again. "Of love."

Lori placed her hand over Rachel's on the table. "Look me in the eye and tell me how you feel, hearing that."

_No. _Rachel inhaled sharply, looking up at the Filipina. _I won't. I can't. _ "Lori..."

"What? Unfair question? Especially when we both know the answer?" Lori squeezed her hand. "Talk to me, Rach. You heard what he wanted to tell you last night. What do you want to tell _him?"_

* * *

"Well, my heart, tell me. What should be do today?" Ilana looked at her daughter as the line crept along. "Sightseeing today, beach tomorrow? Beach today, sightseeing tomorrow? Ladies night? What do you think?"

Sarah shrugged. "I mean, I could do the beach today and sightseeing tomorrow. What's Noah's deal?"

"His deal is he was up all night writing, but he's willing to run around with us today." Ilana rolled her eyes. "I suppose he's used to running on no sleep."

Sarah giggled, glancing over the bagel selection. "Probably. But I don't care, Ma, really. What do _you _want to do?"

Her mother sighed, moving into the shop. "Wave a magic wand and get those two back together, but I don't think that's possible."

Sarah leaned over to kiss her mother's cheek. "Admirable goal, Ma, but no, not a magic wand. I can't tell if we should leave her alone today, or if we should leave Noah alone to bother her today." She grinned. "Should we pop by Max Brenner for chocolate on the way back?"

* * *

"To take it back," Rachel muttered. _How's that for an answer? _"To take back what he said so I'd never know."

"Rachel." Lori shook her head. "Come on."

"I don't – Lori, I don't know what you want me to say." _Or I do, and I won't. _Rachel withdrew her hand, opening her menu again. "He – I don't know where that came from last night, I don't even know if I credit that he wasn't –"

"You know, I'll let you delude yourself on quite a few things when it comes to you and Noah. But don't try to downplay what he said last night, Rach." Lori caught her gaze. "He texted me before I left. He wanted to know if you were okay. He wasn't anything other than concerned with you, sweetheart. So don't write off what he said, please?"

"But if I don't do that, what _am _I supposed to do with it?" Rachel frowned thunderously. _Like you don't already know the answer to that one?_

Lori chuckled. "From the look on your face, you already know what I'm going to say, but I'm saying it anyway." She raised a brow. "Rach, if you don't discount it, that means you need to believe it. And him."

_No._ Rachel shook her head violently. "I don't – " _want to. Damn it, Rachel! _"I _can't,_ Lori, you know I can't."

Lori spoke slowly. "I think you _can,_ Rach, and I think that's the real problem." She leaned down to catch her best friend's eyes. "I think you _do."_

Rachel closed her eyes. _Just...don't, I can't..._"Lori, I –"

She held up a hand. "You don't have to say anything, babe. Let's just have breakfast, okay?"

Rachel nodded, forcing a smile as the server approached. _If only I wouldn't have to say anything about it ever again..._

* * *

"I think it might be a little obvious, Sarah, no matter how much I might want to." Ilana wrapped an arm around her daughter and kissed her head. "But it's very grown up of you to be considering how Rachel would feel."

Sarah rubbed a hand over the back of her neck. "Well, I really like her, Ma, I don't want to push her too much so she won't talk to me."

Ilana raised a brow. "Oh, is that what you were doing last night while we were at dinner?" Pausing at the cashier, she paid for the dozen bagels she ordered and took the bag with a smile. "Thank you so much!" She turned back to her daughter as they left the shop.

Sarah flushed, ducking her head. "Well, she gave me such a perfect opportunity to be a pain in the a- _behind –" _She giggled at her mother's expression. "Sorry, Ma, sorry. Anyway, it was just too perfect not to try to bug her about him a _little _bit. Did he tell you about the movie we watched?"

* * *

"So why don't you talk to me about Sarah instead? How is she?" Lori took a sip of her hot cocoa and smiled. "I love these Hug Mugs."

Rachel gave a small smile in return. _Oh, because that's not going to result in us speaking of Noah? _She took a deep breath. _Like there's any way to avoid that for long, Rachel? _She picked up her mug. "As do I. And Sarah is..." She paused. _I can't believe I'm going to say this, but..._"Sarah is wonderful. She's really matured, she's right at that troublemaking stage with some unexpected wisdom."

Lori nodded encouragingly. "Go on."

"Well, she's relentless, and ruthless." Rachel shook her head. _I should've expected that too. _"She took any opportunity she could to slip things in about Noah, of course." _Maybe you shouldn't have given her so many. _She winced slightly. "I might have inadvertently assisted in that."

"Um, yeah, Reality Bites is an interesting choice." Lori chuckled.

Rachel pouted. "I didn't even think of it! It's just one of my favorite movies, that's all." _Oh, that probably wasn't a good thing to say either..._

Lori raised a brow. "Mmm, yes. And what does that say about our current predicament, darling?"

Rachel glared. _I knew it. _"I don't see my breakfast in front of –" She broke off as their sampler approached. "Damn it."

Lori laughed. "Oh, honey. It's gonna be one of those days for you, isn't it?"

"Where the world mocks me?" Rachel pursed her lips. "Seems like." _Here I was hoping I was over that stage..._

Lori grinned and handed Rachel her utensils. "Well, at least you're prepared, right? Let's eat, and then we'll debate the finer points of your movie selection and do a little amateur therapy."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I should have just stayed in bed." _Or in Lima. _She winced, stabbing at a waffle.

* * *

Noah turned in bed, throwing his arm over his eyes. _I'm supposed to be asleep. The fuck was the point of sending them for breakfast without me if I can't sleep? _He sighed, slowing his breathing deliberately. _Just stop thinking, damn it. _He scoffed. _Fat chance of that. _He swallowed, shifting again. _She called, she cares, I told her I love her. For real. _He smiled. _It's gotta be enough. It has to._

* * *

"Not really, no, but I don't think he has to," Ilana replied with a knowing smile. "Just reading all your expressions told me enough."

"Ma, I swear, it was like she was _asking _me to talk about Noah. The two of them are best friends, and then they...uh..." Sarah chewed her cheek.

Ilana rolled her eyes, "Yes, yes, they do all that. And?"

"Well..." She took a deep breath. "The next morning it gets all weird because they both have real feelings for each other, and he goes and hooks up with another girl and she gets all hurt and then he disappears -" She paused to shake her head. "And she gets all sad, and then he comes back and it turns out that he just didn't think he was good enough for her and he screwed it all up but she forgives him and they kiss and I just –"

"Breathe, Sarah!" Ilana laughed. "Goodness. I don't blame you for seeing that as an opportunity, my heart, it certainly sounds appropriate."

Sarah nodded vigorously. "It _was! _And I could tell Rachel realized it too. She kept trying to change the channel but I wouldn't let her."

"Sarah! You wouldn't let her?" Ilana frowned at her daughter. "We all really did a number on her last night, didn't we..."

* * *

"Haven't I been through enough in the past day?" Rachel frowned, setting aside her fork. _How about in the past few years?_ "I have to work today, Lor, I can't be a mess."

Lori snorted. "I seem to recall saying the same thing to you last night, but that didn't seem to stop you from busting into that portfolio as soon as I left!"

"I didn't!" Rachel folded her arms. _Not _right_ away. _"I tried to sleep, I honestly did."

"For how long? Two minutes?" Lori raised a brow. "We should've put it _away_ away, huh."

"But I – it was –" Rachel swallowed hard. _It was like a siren's song, almost irresistable._ "I _did _try, Lori, I promise you, for at least five minutes of tossing and turning. I just – " _Do I really want to say this? _She sighed. "I thought it might be easier without you," she finished in a whisper.

"Rachel! Honey, why?" Lori's eyebrows flew to her hairline. "Why be alone for this?"

* * *

Sarah bit her lip as they walked back to Mercer. "So I guess we're leaving Rachel alone today then?"

Ilana kissed her head. "I think that would be best, darling. I'm sorry, but yes."

Sarah sighed. "Fine. But then I want to go to sightseeing today. If we go to the beach, I'm just gonna sulk."

Ilana cast her gaze upwards. "Save me from sulking pre-teens..."

Sarah stuck her tongue out at her mother. "Then I want Max Brenner chocolate."

Ilana shook her head firmly. "No. Tomorrow, sure. But right now, when the girls are there? Absolutely not. A little distance won't kill anything, your brother will make sure of that."

* * *

"I..." _wanted to be able to just disregard and downplay all of it, and you wouldn't let me do that. _Rachel moistened her lips and continued. "I thought I could get a little distance, a little perspective. I thought perhaps I could cope with what I read better by myself."

Lori met her gaze dully. "Or you figured you could just fly through it, give it no weight, and write him out of your life without anyone to tell you differently."

Rachel inhaled sharply. _Well, that's just - _"That's – Lori, you can't honestly –" _- unfortunately true._

"Oh, stop it, Rach." Lori shook her head. "I love you, but that doesn't mean you get to lie to me. I know I'm right." She swiped a finger through the chocolate sauce left on the empty plate, licking it clean and then pointing it at her friend. "You absolutely want to write him off, so you figured you'd finish up the portfolio, not really paying attention to what he might be trying to tell you, and then be able to tell him truthfully you read it all and you want nothing to do with him." She grinned. "But the portfolio had different plans."

* * *

"Fine," Sarah grumbled. "We have a plan then. Bagels, then sightseeing." She pouted. "But it's still gonna be under protest."

"I know, Sarah, believe me." Ilana squeezed her daughter tighter, releasing her to cross the street. "I would love to ask Rachel to join us, I would love for her to forgive your brother, but you can't force her to. She has to get there on her own. Just have faith that she will."

* * *

"I should've just trusted my instincts," Rachel mumbled. "I knew he wasn't serious."_ I knew it even when I was dialing his number._

"Did you know? Or were you worried he was a teeny bit genuine?" Lori waved the server over with the check. "And either way, if you knew or if you were worried, that begs the question." She leaned in close to her friend's face and smiled. "Why does it matter enough for you to pick up the phone to ask about it now?"

Rachel frowned, looking away. _I wish I knew what to say to that..._

* * *

_In his mind's eye, they lay in his bed, moonlight casting a dreamy glow. His hands and lips glided over familiar curves, moans and gasps like music to his ears. Desire and need burned through him, and he buried himself inside her. Her name poured from his lips like a prayer, his name on her lips drawing his orgasm from him. He groaned as he pulsed into the condom, withdrawing with a kiss to clean off before returning to draw her into his arms._

_"I love you," Rachel whispered. Noah reveled in the feel of her hand smoothing the creases from his forehead. "It breaks my heart to know that she doesn't, Noah. She won't. Not like I do…"_

_Noah kissed her deeply. "No one could." He locked his gaze on hers. "Stay with me, Rachel, don't push me away. I lied. I don't want her. I want _you_. I always want you." He stroked his thumb over her cheek. "I love you too, I never should've let you go."_

_"But you did, Noah, you did, and you let me leave thinking you loved her." She pushed herself up and off his chest, her brown eyes shining with tears. "You let me leave thinking I was nothing to you, that what we had, what we shared, was just fun for you. No strings attached and you let me believe it. You never said a word."_

_"I know, Rach, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He grabbed her shoulders. "I was an idiot, I didn't know what I was doing. I was stupid, and I want to make it up to you if you'll let me."_

_"I can't let you, Noah, I'm sorry. I don't feel anything for you anymore. You're my student now, and that's all we'll be, it's all we _can _be...You missed your chance, it's too late to change that, and now you're letting me go again..." Her tears fell then, burning his skin before she pulled away from him, grabbing her clothes and walking away._

"Rachel!" Noah bolted upright in bed. _Fuck, that was..._"Oh shit!" He jumped out of bed, throwing a shirt on as he searched. _It's _this _Friday, not last Friday...it can't have been last Friday..._

"Noah? What are you doing up?" Ilana motioned at Sarah to shut the door behind her. "I thought you were going to sleep?"

He rubbed his eyes. _Yeah, so did I. _"I have to figure out when the add/drop deadline is, I totally lost track, I'm afraid it's this week. Have you seen my course catalog? Or the syllabus?"

Ilana frowned. "I – it's not on the table with the rest of your music?"

_Duh. _"Sorry, I really just stumbled out of bed." He sat down at the table, exhaling roughly. _Here's hoping I didn't just royally fuck up. _He picked up the folder and flipped until he found the syllabus buried amongst the music. "Oh, thank fuck."

"Language, Noah." Ilana raised a brow. "What's going on?"

He rubbed his forehead. _ Nothing yet, but there's still time. _"The add/drop deadline is this Friday, not last Friday."

Ilana brought the bag of bagels to the table, sitting next to him and rubbing his arm gently. "Are you all right, Noah? Do you need more sleep?"

_I need Rachel. _He shook his head, smiling. "No, Ma, I'm good, I just –" _had a nightmare that sent me into a panic. _"I lost track and I thought I missed it. Anyway, whatever. Bagels?"

"That line was nothing to laugh at." His mother shook the brown paper bag in her hand. "Acquired. Thanks to our impromptu guide." She grinned and moved to retrieve plates and knives.

Noah raised a brow at Sarah. _And the hits just keep on comin'. _"Don't tell me."

She smirked. "Okay, I won't." She dropped onto the couch and turned on the TV.

_She – fuck. _He chuckled, crossing the room to sit next to her. "I should know better, huh?"

His sister nodded, flipping channels. "Yup, you should."

"Whatever, I'll take it from the smirk on your face and the grin on Ma's that you ran into Rachel." He shook his head. _Unfuckingbelievable._

Sarah only hummed and smiled. "Ooo, Mob Wives! Is Staten Island really as crazy as they say?"

"I don't –" _give a shit. _He shook himself. _Chill, Puckerman. "_I have no clue," he replied quickly. "Ma, how was she?"

"She was..." Ilana sighed, setting a plate and a bagel in front of each of her children. "She was with Lori, so that's good, and she was...tense. Maybe even a little angry." She sat between her offspring. "But, she was behind us, so we wouldn't even have known she was there unless we got lost. She came up to us anyway."

Sarah evened out the cream cheese on her onion bagel. "That's because she's a good person, and she loves me."

Noah chuckled again. _Lucky you. _"You know, you're probably right?"

Ilana nudged Noah with her shoulder. "Hey, you _do _realize your sister was only referring to herself?"

Noah nodded, cutting his bagel open with a smirk. "I do, Ma." _I'm well-aware._

"Is that any way to speak about the woman who bore you?" Ilana bit into her cinnamon raisin bagel with relish. "Oh, this is delicious!"

He smiled. "Glad you approve, Ma." _And maybe now that you're focusing on the bagel we can all relax._ "I happen to think Sarah really is right, though. Rach is probably at the end of her rope right now. The question is gonna be what happens when she lets go."

* * *

"I just..." _couldn't let it go. I wanted to know that he was hurting like I was..._Rachel clenched her eyes shut. "I just didn't – I couldn't – " She opened her eyes and blew out a breath. "I couldn't bear the thought that he was hurting like that, all right?" She shook her head, looking down at the table and continuing in a harsh whisper. "I just didn't believe that I affected him that deeply and I wanted to know if I did."

Lori giggled. "I'm sorry, babe, I know it's not funny, but...you _definitely _know just how deeply you affect him _now."_

Rachel let out a frustrated groan, signing the credit slip and standing from the table. _Helpful. So helpful. _"Yes, yes, I know. Be careful what you wish for and all that. Believe me, I'm regretting that. I need one of those things on my phone that keeps me from drunk dialing."

Lori stood, following Rachel out. "Honey, I don't know if that counts as drunk dialing. You were definitely tipsy, but I don't know about drunk."

Rachel sighed, sliding her sunglasses on. _I know, damn it. _"Must you be so –"

"— right?" Lori wagged her eyebrows at her best friend. "Because you know I am. Right, that is. You were supposed to have a glass of water and some sleep, but that brain of yours wouldn't slow down, and instead of calling your ever-loving best friend, who would have returned without a qualm, you check out the portfolio of the ex you supposedly don't give a damn about anymore and call him when you think maybe he actually really was devastated when you left."

"It's not just that he was devastated, Lor, it's that he was suicidal!" _No, he wasn't, and you knew it. _Rachel bit back another sound of frustration to continue. "I couldn't let that go by, what kind of person would I be if I did?"

"A person who recognized artistic exaggeration, or one who thought justice was him being brought as low as you were." Lori hooked her arm around Rachel's and squeezed. "But not the kind of person who didn't care at all."

* * *

"She obviously cares, whether she wants to or not," Ilana pointed out. "She didn't have to call."

"Yeah, I know," Noah said, a small smile playing across his lips. "So I'm just hanging on to that." _Until I can hang on to _her. "Whatever. What are we doing today?"

His mother rolled her eyes. "Your sister wanted to harass Rachel, but after being denied that, she wants to go sightseeing."

He snorted. "So she can maybe bump into her. Nice one, Sar." _Here I decide to let it ride, and Sarah's all up in it. What the fuck is that about?_

Sarah stuck her tongue out. "You suck. Ma didn't even guess that."

"I just know you better." He finished off his everything bagel and smirked at his mother. _Don't think you can fool me. _"Sarah knows that some of the places I wanted to show you are some of Rachel's favorite spots, so she's hoping we'll just happen to be where Rachel is."

Ilana laughed. "I should have known better. She wouldn't give up that easily. Neither of you do."

* * *

"You just don't give up," Rachel muttered. _None of you, none of it...Nothing is easy anymore. _"What happened to supportive?"

"This _is _being supportive, honey." Lori twined her fingers with Rachel's, swinging their arms. "I'm supporting you leading a healthy and productive life, and that's not going to happen with you turning a blind eye to all of this. Not anymore. And don't even bother denying it."

_But why? I've done well thus far, haven't I? _Rachel pursed her lips. "I've never been so anxious to go to work."

"Well, _that's_ a flat out lie." Lori snickered. "Freshman year."

Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me? I lived it. Believe me when I say, I've never been so anxious to have something else to do." _And don't think about the jokes he'd make if he heard you say that. Damn it, Rachel..._

"Which means that you're even more anxious to avoid your own thoughts." Lori grinned, sticking her face close to Rachel's. "What's going on in there, hmm?"

Rachel took her free hand and poked Lori's nose out of the way. "Enough, Lor, okay?" _More than I want to is going on in there, how about that._

"Okay, okay. But just don't think it's going to get any better without you actually dealing with it." Lori kissed her cheek. "So what are you doing today? Besides avoiding all deep thought."

Rachel rolled her eyes. _That in itself would be an accomplishment, all things considered. _ "I don't know, actually. I might just take a book and sit outside somewhere, maybe some retail therapy."

Lori nodded. "Might be good for you. Find a book on forgiveness and sit under a tree."

Rachel dropped her friend's hand. _Seriously? Enough already._ "All right, you know what –"

Lori laughed. "I'm _sorry!_ I'm sorry, Rach, you just – it was such a perfect opportunity, I couldn't pass it up."

Rachel glared. "You know, you're right, I shouldn't have called you. I was better off alone in my room." _Studiously ignoring all of this._

"Well, sorry, princess, but you called to escape your tower. That makes you subject to the scrutiny of the outside world, and we're not always going to agree." Lori kissed her cheek noisily. "It doesn't mean I don't love you, though."

Rachel ran a hand over her hair, sighing."I love you too." _Even if I don't like you very much right now. _"I can't dwell on this, not today. I have work later. Actually, I have work even sooner than usual - we have a special matinee because of the holiday weekend." She smiled tightly. "I have to be bright-eyed and smiling for that."

Lori hugged her as they reached the corner to part ways. "Look, I'm sorry if I came on strong. I just – I wish I could reach into your brain and just tweak, just a little." She let her friend go. "I'm here even when you don't want to think about it, okay? I'm just prodding because it's fresh, I know you'll sit with it and deal with it when you're ready." She smiled angelically. "I have faith in you, Rachel Berry."

Rachel rolled her eyes. _Talk about a backhanded compliment. _"Why does that sound like you're patronizing me?" She waved, turning the corner. "Bye, Lor. Have a good day at work."

"Bye, babe." Lori blew a kiss at her friend. "Try not to give yourself a migraine not thinking about him, huh? Might just be better to let yourself contemplate the answers than burst a blood vessel blocking them out."

Rachel slowly closed her eyes. _I will not throttle my best friend, regardless of how she might be asking for it. _"I won't, Lori," she bit out. "No undue stress on myself." _I'll _easily _leave this at the back of my mind._

Lori nodded. "That's what she said," she murmured, waving and turning away.

* * *

"Sarah, she said she wanted to see a show, right?" Noah glanced over at his sister. "What if we just took a quick trip downtown a little to see if there are any rush tickets for something for you guys?" _May as well give it a shot, since we're all up._

Sarah clapped her hands. "Could we? I really want to see something before we go back. There's one of those booth things around here?"

Stretching and standing, he nodded. "Yup, not far. Let's get moving. Early bird catches the worm, right?" _What do I catch being up all night wishing for you, Rach?_

* * *

_Just keeping moving through the day, Rachel, and you'll get through it. _Rachel looked up at her building and shook her head. _I don't think I want to be in there. _She caught her lower lip between her teeth, slowly walking inside. _I could at least get ready for work, right? _She averted her gaze from the portfolio, quickly ducking out as soon as she was done. "I just need somewhere to clear my head…"

* * *

"It's one of the places I wanted to take you anyway," Noah remarked, descending the steps to the subway. _Tourist crap, check. _"South Street Seaport. It's down the block from the Bodies Exhibit, if you're feeling gross and bloodthirsty. We'll take a walk to the A, hop off at Fulton."

* * *

_If I'm not going to Long Beach today, I can at least try to get the same peaceful effect, somewhere closer. _Rachel took the steps into the subway slow. _The Seaport should fit the bill. Just sit in the park, watch the ferries..._

* * *

The trio strolled down Fulton Street towards the TKTS booth.

Sarah wrinkled her nose. "It's starting to smell like fish," she grumbled.

Noah rolled his eyes. "Well, yeah, it's gonna smell like fish, it's a seaport, and there's a big fish market. Get over it, it's how we get to the Ferry for the Statue of Liberty." _Guess I've been here for a while when it doesn't bother me..._

Sarah frowned. "Does the Statue of Liberty smell? This really isn't what I pictured out of the Seaport, you know..."

Ilana shook her head. "Will you calm down, Sarah? It's not even that strong of a smell. Shouldn't you be more concerned with what show you're going to see?"

Sighing heavily, Sarah nodded. "That's true. I want to see something amazing, like...like How to Succeed in Business or...or Spring Awakening..."

Noah snorted. "I wouldn't suggest Spring Awakening with Ma, Sar. Not even with me." _Can you say 'fucking awkward'? _"Let's see what they've got, pick from there."

"Fine, fine. I guess that makes sense." Sarah crossed the street, smirking at her mother's strangled sound of alarm. "Relax, Ma. I'm getting the hang of this taking over the street thing. I just wanna soak in every minute we have."

* * *

_Let me just soak in the sun, and the water, and the sounds of this city I've made my own..._Rachel looked up as the subway chimes sounded. _My stop. _She exited quickly, skimming up the steps. _Bowling Green means straight shot down to Battery Park..._She took a deep breath as she hit street level, rolling her shoulders. _Let's find somewhere to just relax, maybe watch the ferries..._

* * *

Sarah peered up at the listing above the window. "Okay, so How to Succeed is up there, and Chicago, and Anything Goes. Any of that."

Noah grinned. "Dork. Rachel would love it." _Wish she were here to see it._

Sarah pouted. "I know. _She's_ the one who started me this way. But I can't even _invite _her."

Ilana pinched her arm lightly. "She's working anyway, you just be quiet and pick your show. Now how many tickets do they have for each of those?"

* * *

Rachel tucked her legs under her on the bench, sipping her bubble tea with a sigh. _Life was so much easier before I had to share this city with him. _She watched the Staten Island Ferry turn and head towards Liberty Island. _All I had to do was be Rachel Berry before boys. Focused and driven and all about my career. Everything was so much simpler..._

* * *

"Well, that was simple." Noah shrugged, moving to the rail and gazing back at the city. _If not exactly what we thought. _"We go to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and I'll drop you off in the Theater District."

"I can't believe there were only two tickets left for How to Succeed," Sarah muttered.

Ilana sighed. "That's why they're discounted tickets, sweetheart, limited number for the day of." She turned to Noah. "Are you sure you don't mind being left to your own devices tonight?"

Noah rubbed a hand over his neck. "I think I'll manage to find something to do tonight." _Maybe even some_one. He narrowed his eyes at the benches in the park. _Could that be - Whatever, doesn't matter. _He grinned. _Either way, I think I'm going to Prom tonight..._

* * *

**A.N.: Please don't kill me! I'm sorry, I hate transition chapters, but I promise what's to come is the real deal, the inevitable Puckleberry explosion. How? What does he do? What does she say? All this to come, soon! No, really, soon. I owe it to you. Love you guys, and thanks for sticking with me. 3**


	19. A Beautiful Mess

**A.N. **Two things. First, we are almost there, and I am so sorry it took so long to update. I wanted to write more into the next chapter before posting this one, because this is going to start a riot. Second, to those of you who know me as knkykty on LJ, and supported me in the Best Smut category of the PRFanfic Awards for "The Games They Play", you rock. Seriously. We won! I am so thankful to all of you, and I'll be writing an update in gratitude soon!

Until then, enjoy...

* * *

_Suggested__ listening: Turn to Stone, Ingrid Michaelson; Bleed, Hot Chelle Rae; Nothing, The Script; Mysterious Ways, U2; Let Me Love You, Mario; When I'm Alone, Lissie; A Beautiful Mess, Jason Mraz_

**Chapter**** 18: A Beautiful Mess**

Noah laughed as clothes flew around the apartment. "Um, you know they don't get dressed up like that for the theater anymore." He slid his cell phone back into his pocket. _That's what I get for not paying attention –- two chicks covering my apartment in clothes._

Ilana snorted. "I don't know who 'they' are, but _we_ are going to do this right. Right, Sarah?"

"Right, Ma!" Sarah emerged in a pretty floral sundress. "I want to send Rachel a picture, but I have to make sure I'm giving her profession the respect it deserves."

Noah shook his head. "Damn, Sar, that could've been Rachel talking out of your mouth." _She'd love to hear that._

She stuck her tongue out. "Maybe if you didn't screw it all up years ago, she'd be going with us."

He raised a brow. "On two tickets? You'd ditch Ma? That's cold, kid, _real_ cold." _Don't think you're gonna win this one._

Ilana emerged in a navy blue wrap dress. "Honestly, between you and your brother, a mother could cry."

Sarah slapped Noah's arm. "Lookit, don't get me in trouble!"

"Lookit?" Noah snickered. _I haven't heard that one in forever._ "What are you, five?" _Not since Rachel was around, anyway._

Sarah stomped her foot. "I am not, and you're glad too. No five year old could have maneuvered Rachel like that last night, so kiss my a–"

_"__Sarah!" _Ilana pressed a hand to her chest.

"– adorable behind," she finished.

Ilana narrowed her eyes at her daughter. "Nice save," she remarked.

Sarah curtsied. "Thank you, beloved mother, oh paragon, most special, beautiful –"

Ilana waved her off. "Now you're pushing it. I was teasing, but you'd best remember I brought you into this world and I want some appreciation for that!"

Sarah nodded. "I know, Ma, I wouldn't _really_ ditch you for Rachel." She smiled angelically. "It'd just be _tempting."_

Ilana spanked her daughter's rear lightly. "Smart mouth. Maybe it's better that Noah is far enough away not to have more direct influence on you!"

Noah high-fived his sister. "I don't know, Ma, I think she's doing just fine without me." _And I'm serious about that. Kid's got a good head on her shoulders, thank fuck._

"Hrmph. Your idea of fine could use some work." Ilana finger combed her hair in the mirror. "So now what?"

"Well, I'd say dinner and then we head uptown to the theater." _Then figure out where _I'm _going for the night. _He shrugged. "Or we head uptown and have dinner around there. It's Times Square, so you kind of have everything." _Foodwise, anyway._

Ilana blinked. "I suppose that's true. I don't know. What do you think?"

He frowned briefly. _Good question. _"Uh, I think probably going uptown, that way if service is slow or whatever, you can just go to the theater and I can settle the bill."

His mother nodded slowly. "That _does_ make sense. But where do we go for dinner?"

He shrugged. _You're asking me? What I want for dinner isn't on any menu in any restaurant..._He rubbed his mouth to hide his smirk."What kind of food do you want? French, Italian, Japanese, burgers, Chinese, steak..."

Ilana turned a questioning look to her son. "With what we're wearing though?"

Noah smirked. _Welcome to New York. _"French, Italian, Japanese, burgers, Chinese, steak..."

"Oy! This city." Ilana shook her head. "How about you pick one of those restaurants that everyone should go to in New York, how's that? Like the one with the people's faces on the wall."

He chuckled. _I remember when that's how I knew it. And I remember the reaction I got. _"Good thing Rachel's _not_ here, she'd cry hearing you talk about Sardi's like that."

Ilana sputtered. "Oh! No, I didn't mean any disrespect, I just – I don't_ know_ these places, I'm just –"

He waved off her protest. _She's not even here and you're all worried about Rachel's opinion. We've _all _got it bad for her. _"How about a steakhouse? Joe Allen?"

"Please, fine, thank you, let's go." Ilana fanned herself with her hand and headed for the door.

Sarah giggled. "You just have that effect on women, Noah, they can't wait to get away."

_Brat__. _Noah grinned and shoved her towards Ilana. "I'll meet you downstairs, I'm gonna change."

His mother turned back to him, eyes wide. "But you said -"

"They don't dress for the theater. That's true." He spun away from the door, smirking. _But _I've_ got my own agenda tonight, and I'm gonna look like a fucking stud for it._

* * *

Rachel watched the last of the bat mitzvah crowd trickle out the door and exhaled. _One down, one to go. _She raised a brow at her cast mates. "Are _we_ dismissed too?"

Brent shrugged off his jersey and laughed. "I mean, yeah, for an hour or two. But, are you really gonna undo all that -" He gestured at her makeup and hair. "Or would you rather just get something with us? We're probably ordering Pourhouse or Dos Caminos. I'll run out and pick it up."

Rachel caught her lower lip between her teeth, reaching up to her french braided updo. _He's probably right. The ribbons in my hair are too perfect._ "I wouldn't particularly want to venture outside like this. All right - veggie burger me, please."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Is that _all_ you want done to you?"

_Men__! _Rachel slapped his arm. "I should've known better, you pervert. _Yes,_ that's all I want." _From _you, _anyway. _She shook herself. _Rachel!_

"You know, you're usually sharper with that. You okay?" He flicked her hair. "You could also take the walk with me if you want to get some air. Refresh yourself for the next show."

It was Rachel's turn to raise a brow. _From ogling to concerned listener? I think not. _"You call the heat out there refreshing?" She patted his shoulder. "Just tell me how much I owe you and enjoy your walk."

"Ouch!" He shrugged. "Can't blame me for taking you up on a rare opportunity. And Ty gave me the card to cover it, so no sweat."

"Thank you, Brent, I'll be in the dressing room - " _Hiding from my cell phone. _"- napping."

Brent chuckled. "Wow. Now I _know _you're out of it. A nap. In the dressing room." He shook his head. "You've probably got half an hour."

"Perfect." She kissed his cheek and headed backstage, ignoring the buzzing of her cell phone. _Now to just avoid all thought for that span of time..._

* * *

"We'll be sure to get you to the theater on time," their server said with a smile. "How to Succeed is an excellent show."

Sarah beamed. "That's why I picked it, even though there were only two tickets left."

"That's a very understanding family you have." He looked between Ilana and Noah. "Who drew the short straw?"

Ilana raised a brow. "Oh, I don't know that I'd call it the short straw. My son is more than capable of entertaining himself." She smiled. "I think there's a club downtown that he likes. Webster Hall, maybe?"

Noah winced. _Guess the wardrobe change was a dead giveaway, huh? _"Yeah, I might go out for a bit and meet you guys at the theater at 11."

Sarah's mouth dropped open. "You're going after Rachel tonight!"

Their server laughed. "Guess not the short straw at all." He saluted Noah. "Happy hunting."

Noah shrugged and smiled. "Thanks." _Time to face the music here._ He turned to his mother as the server retreated. "Okay, just say what you wanna say. I see it all over your face."

Ilana grinned. "It took me a little bit to figure it out. I...think it's sweet you want to see her." The smile faltered on her face. "But have you considered calling her instead?"

He lifted a brow. _Seriously? My mother, being cautious? _"You really think she'd pick up the phone?"

Ilana held up her hands. "I don't know, but I know it might be nice to try that before disrupting her at her job."

"I know, Ma." He rubbed the back of his neck. _And I tried that, I swear. _"I, uh...I texted her a while ago. Just asking how she's doing today." _Well, maybe a little more than that. And_ _she still hasn't answered four hours later. _He shook his head. "I'm not even sure if I'm going to let her know I'm there tonight." _I really just want to know she's okay._

His mother looked at him, startled. "You're not? Oh, honey. You'd go and what, just watch from afar?"

"Try _the bar," _he quipped. _Though we're probably both right._ He shrugged. "If I get a chance when she's not performing, I'll might try to say hi, see how she is, but you're right, I don't wanna screw with her at work. I just – if I'm gonna be on my own tonight, can't hurt to stop by, right?" _This is why I worked so hard, so I can spend money when I need to._

Ilana raised a brow. "Not until she sees you and has a meltdown, it doesn't hurt. But you go ahead, sweetheart, I'm not stopping you, and I'll wish you all the luck in the world."

Noah swallowed, giving a half-smile. "Thanks." _With Rach, I'll need more than luck. Hopefully, luck, looking like a fucking stud, and the fact that I actually love her will be enough…_

* * *

_Enough__ already, please..._Rachel grimaced as her cell phone vibrated across the vanity in the dressing room. _How many times are you going to text me, Noah? _She looked down at the display. "Oh!" She hit the accept button. "Hello? Daddy?"

Will frowned quickly. "Hey there, baby girl, I had a free moment and wanted to check in with you. Are you coming home between shows?"

_I__ wish there wasn't a second show. _She sank into a chair. "No, Daddy, Brent went to pick up dinner for all of us, I think we're all just staying close." She shrugged as the dressing room door opened. "It's easier than having to redo hair and makeup completely."

"Ain't that the truth. I only need to be tortured once a night, thanks." Her co-cheerleader Chelsea walked in with a wry grin, tossing her costume top in a corner and walking around in her tank top. "We're at the bar if you want to join us when you're off the phone. Ty said us legal types could have a drink in between."

Rachel giggled. "I might take you guys up on that, thanks." She waved as Chelsea left. _It could actually be fun. _"Sorry, Daddy."

"Not a problem, sweetheart, you want to head out to join them?"

She shrugged. _Yes and no? _"In a few. I'm just...a little out of sorts." _Or perhaps a lot out of sorts. And hiding from myse - my _cell_ phone. _She winced, shaking her head. _What is going on?_

"That's why I was calling," Will offered gently. "Did breakfast with Lori go all right? When Dad and I didn't even hear you come through, we got a little worried."

She smiled. "You both were out – at the Greenmarket, I'm guessing?" _I love that my fathers still go on dates._

"Oh!" Will chuckled. "We _were _gone for a tiny bit, yes. But you left that early?"

Rachel bit her lip. _I can't lie to him, can I? _"Well, I –" _As much as I might want to..._She swallowed. "I went down to the Seaport for a bit. I got a bubble tea and sat in Battery Park."

Her father frowned. "The Seaport? Battery Park? That's...unusual for you."

_I__ should have thought this through. _She rubbed her hand over her eyes. _Now I have to tell him everything. Damn it. _"Well, I had thought about heading to Long Beach, but...Lori and I ran into Sarah and Mrs. Puckerman and they mentioned they might be going to the beach so..."

"So you decided to avoid all possibility of a Noah encounter and get a similar effect from being out by the Seaport." Will sighed. "Did it help?"

_Not__ for long. _She sighed. "It did until my phone buzzed." _And I saw 'New Text from Noah' in the display. Not that I'm going to think about why I still have his number saved in my phone…_

"Is that what took you so long to pick up?" Will raised a brow. "You thought it was Noah?"

She shrugged. _Of course I did._ "You can't blame me for being wary, can you?" She bit her lip. _Actually maybe I shouldn't have said that..._

Will rolled his eyes. "No, I can't, but I can just point out that you'll never answer your phone again at that rate."

Rachel stuck her tongue out in the mirror. _So? _"I know, Daddy, I just..." _...wish I didn't have to look. _She exhaled roughly. "Okay, _fine,_ hold on." She moved the phone from her ear to look at the screen, putting the call on speaker and pulling up the menu to check her texts. _Just one? I suppose the other vibrations were just reminders..._

**Rach****: just want 2 know ur ok aftr last nite. Meant what I said 2 u, not what I wrote. Sorry I worried u. Just let me know ur ok.**

She closed her eyes tightly. _Damn it, Noah, why do you have to be so..._

"'So' what, honey?" Will's voice came from the speaker. "Why does he have to be so what?"

She winced. _Why does my subconscious always fail me when it comes to Noah Puckerman? _"I said that out loud?"

Will spoke gently. "You did, baby girl. What did he say?"

"He – he wanted to know if I'm okay." Rachel swallowed hard and put the phone to her ear again. _I almost wish he was pushing me instead of checking in..._

"Well, that's good of him to be concerned, right?" Will raised a brow. "Was there more to the message than that?"

She pursed her lips. "No." _Essentially, anyway._

"I don't believe you." Will shook his head. "Asking if you were okay wouldn't get that kind of reaction from you, Rachel, and you know I know that. Try again."

_Damn__ it, Daddy, could we do this later? _She heaved a sigh. "He said he was sorry he worried me." _And he did. Substantially. _She frowned, rubbing her forehead. _More than I want him to be able to. _Her frown deepened. _And I don't want to think about why._

"That's also very good of him. Insight is a positive sign, right?" Will waited for her reaction.

_Ha__, I recognize what you're doing. _"For his future relationships? Absolutely. The more insight he has, the less likely he is to repeat these grievous mistakes with his next girlfriend." Rachel smirked at the mirror. _Let's see you counter that one, Daddy._

"You couldn't have said it better, sweetheart. He would never make those mistakes with you again." Will grinned.

"Daddy!" Rachel stomped her foot. _I specifically said for _other _endeavors..._"Here I thought I had finally gotten you." She pressed a hand to her stomach as it twisted. _Why does that thought make me slightly ill?_

"Oh, Rachel...I love you, sweetheart, and that means I want nothing but happiness for you." Will continued carefully. "But that also means I'm going to encourage you to explore every route to that happiness, even ones you don't want to see."

She fought back a groan. _I should know better by now._ "I can appreciate that, Daddy, but we're just going to have to agree to disagree on Noah."

Will took a deep breath. "I can live with that, baby girl, if you do _one thing_ for me."

She muted the phone and let out a whine. _It's going to be something to do with Noah, I just know it is._ She unmuted the call. "Tell me what it is, and _then_ I'll tell you if I'll do it."

He chuckled. "Good to know we didn't raise a careless child," he complimented.

Rachel stuck her tongue out in the mirror. _No, not careless at all, not anymore. _"You didn't, and yet you're encouraging me to be careless with my heart!"

"Oh, Rachel..." Will was the one to sigh. "You know that's not it."

_It__ feels like it is, damn it. _"Just...what would you like me to do, Daddy?" She pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling. _Perhaps I shouldn't have said _that_, either..._

Will's voice was quiet over the line. "Some time when you can, when you have time and clarity, let yourself reflect on all of this. Can you do that for me?"

Rachel stomped her foot. _Of course that's what you'd ask. _"I _have_ reflected on it, Daddy, and -"

"Rachel, you know I love you." Her father shook his head. "But I mean not colored by who he was back then. Take an honest look at who _you_ are now and who Noah has shown himself to be. You've been seeing his growth through that portfolio." He paused a beat. "And you've been running ever since."

"I -" Rachel bit her lip. _I might as well admit it now. _"I don't _want_ to," she whispered. _Just the portfolio hurts enough._

"You don't want to run or you don't want to think?" Will challenged. "Either way, sweetheart, the choice is yours. I just don't want you to have any regrets going forward."

"I don't want to have any, either," she protested. "And I _won't,_ Daddy." _What could there be to regret?_

Will bit his tongue. "If you think so, baby girl. I'll let you go. We'll see you tonight? Tomorrow?"

She shrugged. _Or I could attempt to hide until you forget all about Noah Puckerman. _"Probably tonight, I doubt anyone is going to want to go out, considering the long day." _Until they do, or until _you _do? _a voice whispered to her. She shook herself. _And my subconscious continues to betray me..._

"That's fair," her father acknowledged. "Just in case, we won't wait up, and I'll tell you I love you now."

"I love you too, Daddy, and thank you for checking in." _And for loving me enough to push me to be the best person I can. _Rachel cleared her throat. "I _do_ appreciate it, despite how I might feel about what you had to say."

"And I appreciate _that."_ Will waved Dan over. "Have a good night. And at least consider answering him, will you?"

_I__ already _have _considered it. _"You have a good night too, Daddy." Rachel closed the phone with a sigh, shaking her head at her reflection. _And I won't._

* * *

Dan raised a brow. "How was that?"

Will shrugged. "I don't know. He texted her today."

"Oh, really?" Dan dropped into his husband's lap. "And?"

"He wanted to see if she was okay, and I'm guessing from her reluctance to speak of it that the rest of the text had something to do with his declaration last night." He kissed Dan. "She's on the edge right now."

Dan frowned. "In the good way, or the bad way?"

Will pursed his lips. "Good question. I think the good way, but it's a delicate balance."

"Well, we just have to have faith." Dan stroked Will's cheek. "We raised a good girl, William. She'll be all right."

Will nodded. "I concur, my love." He wagged his eyebrows at his husband. "I also told her that we wouldn't wait up for her."

"Oh?" Dan batted his eyelashes. "Do you have somewhere to be?"

Will scooped Dan up and stood with a grin. "You tell me."

* * *

Noah took the last bite of steak and leaned back from the table. "Come on, slowpokes, you're the ones who've got somewhere to be." _Well, I do too, but I've got longer to get there._

Sarah stuck her tongue out at her brother. "Not all of us are barbarians like you." She took a slow bite of her meatloaf and grinned. "No offense to Ma, but something this good needs to be savored."

Their mother chuckled. "Then you should have some of this chicken too, Sarah. Mine will never be this juicy!" She cut off a piece and placed it on her daughter's plate.

Noah laughed. "And here I thought I'd be the last one at this table. Damn." He picked up his phone, glancing at the display. _If she texts back, I won't go. If she doesn't, I'm going. That's fair._

Ilana nodded towards the cell. "Anything?" She gave a little shiver of delight as she took a bite of her chicken.

Noah stabbed a piece of Sarah's meatloaf, nodding his approval as he chewed. "No, nothing. I don't know if I'm really expecting anything." _I don't even know if I'm hoping for an answer or not. _He shrugged. "Why do you think I'm just gonna swing by and pay fifty bucks before I even get a drink?"

Ilana patted his hand. "I'll give you the money, sweetheart, considering we likely set you back a bit this morning."

Noah shook his head. _Yeah, probably, knowing Rach. _"Maybe that should be my next approach. 'Hey Rach, maybe if we talk, the universe will stop being so fu- freaking weird to us!'"

Sarah giggled, shaking her head. "Somehow I doubt that'd work any better." She took another bite of her mashed potatoes with a contented sigh. "I think you're just gonna have to hope she comes around."

* * *

"Oh, come on - _one shot_ won't kill you." Chelsea wagged her eyebrows. "You're not _that _much of a lightweight, are you?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "No, I'm _not, _but we still have a show to do and I don't want to smell like straight alcohol! Especially not hard liquor." She stirred her sweet tea vodka and lemonade. "Maybe _after, _but -"

"Sold!" Chelsea grinned and turned to the rest of the gathered cast. "Guys, let's hang for a little bit after. The second show is going to be easy, we'll have some drinks and dance."

_That__...actually doesn't sound so bad. _Rachel shrugged. "Sounds like a plan to me. It's Andy behind the bar tonight. He'll take care of us, if _you're _around."

Chelsea lifted her Sam Adams in salute. "He will indeed, and we get to stick around for the Circus." She lifted a brow. "Would you ever want to graduate from the Prom to the Circus, Rachel?"

_From__ wholesome cheerleader to burlesque performer? _Rachel took a sip and shook her head. "Not for me. Not really my style."

Chelsea narrowed her eyes, pointing the neck of her beer bottle at the demure brunette. "I think that's in there, hidden somewhere. It's always the quiet ones."

_**Sinking**__** her teeth into his shoulder to keep from crying out, his hips slamming her into the shelves.**_

Rachel shivered. "Not always." She took a big drink. _Those days are done._

* * *

"Done!" Sarah set her fork down with a clatter. "That was delicious." She smacked her lips and looked down at her watch. "And perfectly timed. Come on, Ma..."

Ilana took her last bite of her chicken, letting out a small sigh. "All right, all right. That was delicious. And we're right on schedule, relax."

"What about you, Noah?" Sarah took a drink of her water. "What time is the show tonight?"

He snorted. "Trust me, if you're on time, I'm still way early. I'll probably just get a drink at the bar." _And hope to run in to one of the cast._

"You're not gonna be _too _early, are you?" Sarah raised a brow. "Like creepy stalker early?"

_Even__ if I was, would that surprise anyone? _He laughed. "No, but thanks for caring. If I think I'm that early, I'll find something else to do. I'm not exactly in the middle of nowhere. But I think if I take the local, take my time, I should get there when the doors open."

* * *

The door opened, the cast turning to it with a sigh of relief.

"Oh, it's about time!" Chelsea chugged her beer, meeting Brent at the door and grabbing a bag from him. "Dinner is served."

Brent held one bag possessively. "It is. Give me a break, anyway, it took them a while. You know, as always."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "It's fine, Brent, don't mind her. She's in the mood to start trouble." _As is my subconscious, apparently. _She gave a tight smile. "We're staying for _drinks _tonight."

"Well, now." He pulled her veggie burger from the bag he held. "I took the liberty of getting sweet potato fries too."

_Maybe__ I _should've _had that shot. _"Thank you, Brent." She glanced at the clock on the wall. _This might prove to be a long night._

* * *

Noah kissed his mother on the cheek outside the theater. "You guys have a great night, all right? I'll meet you back here at 11?" _Hopefully after a good night of my own..._

Ilana looked at Sarah, biting her lip. "You said you have a spare key? Why don't you give us the spare...just in case."

He chuckled. "And I thought _I _was being overly optimistic." _I like it though. _He drew the key from his pocket. "I'll give it to you, but I'm really not expecting you to have to use it." _Maybe just hoping you do._

She nodded. "I'm not either, but if you have the opportunity..." She cast her eyes upward. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but if you have the chance, don't come home." She pressed her hand to her eyes. "It must be the wine."

Sarah blinked at her mother. "It must be." She looked to her brother. "I'm supposed to keep her hydrated. Right?"

Noah rubbed his forehead. "Yeah. You are. And I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." _Because it's fucking _disturbing _when your mother is _encouraging _you to have sex._

Sarah nodded numbly. "I agree. You just...see how things go with Rachel."

Noah hugged her quickly. "Sounds good. I'll try to let Rachel lead for once." _Maybe. With a nudge or two._

* * *

Rachel gently nudged the fries towards the rest of the group gathered at the bar. "If anyone wants those, you're more than welcome to them." _Considering I never asked for them..._She turned towards Brent. "I truly appreciated them, though. They really are delicious." _And they are, I can give him credit for that much._

He snagged one from the container. "I know. That's why I got them. I knew if you didn't finish them, a bunch of people - including me - would."

_Thank__ goodness. _"Perfect, then." _I don't have to feel badly about it. _She stood and stretched. _Nor do I need to feel indebted for your seeming thoughtfulness. _"I should probably start getting ready for the next show."

Their manager chose that moment to poke his head out from his office. "Hey, Rachel - can you run the new Madonna number in ten minutes?"

She raised a brow at Brent. _See what I mean?_ She nodded. "Yes, Ty, that will be fine. How many times through before the doors?"

He shrugged. "We really just need to make sure the band has the intro and the transition, not run the whole thing repeatedly. Once through is fine."

_Please__, I have "the whole thing" perfected already. _Rachel smoothed her hands down her skirt. "Well, I know once is more than sufficient for _me, _but I won't presume for the band."

Ty chuckled. "I almost want to go tell the guys that, just so they can prove you wrong."

She smiled. _You still don't know Rachel Berry_. "You could. I would look forward to it."

The manager narrowed his eyes at her. "You know, I will. A challenge ought to guarantee they get it in one."

She finished the last quarter of her drink. "Bring it." _Interesting choice of words, Rachel..._Wincing slightly, she retreated backstage. _Don't think about it too much._

* * *

Noah blew out a breath. _Don't expect too much, Puckerman. Just hope to see her from across the room and everything else is bonus. _He watched the scrolling display of the time, rubbing his hands over his head. _And think of something to do to kill some time. _He hopped off as the subway came to a stop, shoving his hands in his pockets as he ascended the stairs. _Still got forty minutes to the door. _He leisurely set off in the direction of the club.

* * *

Rachel reapplied her lip gloss, tucking stray strands of hair away and tugging her uniform top back on. _One new number, coming up. _She pushed open the dressing room door to head for the stage.

* * *

_She__'s still not on stage for half an hour. Shit. _Noah approached the doorman. "Hey, too early to buy a ticket for the 80's Prom?"

The bouncer waved him in. "Nah, go ahead to the window."

He nodded his thanks and made his way in. "Let me get one ticket to the prom?" _And then I'll figure out where to go till the show._

"ID, please."

"It's not even fake," he joked. _Not this time, anyway. _He handed over his license and his credit card.

The ticket seller handed both back, along with a wristband and receipt. "It's half an hour till doors."

_I__ wonder..._Noah signed the slip and passed it back, putting the wristband on. _Maybe I can talk my way in. _"What about the bar? I'm meeting family here." He rolled his eyes. "They're driving me nuts. In town from Ohio." He shook his head. "I really could just use a drink before I have to hear my mom lecture me about it."

The guy behind the window chuckled. "I can sympathize. Mine's in town too." He nodded towards the curtain. "Go in. Tell the bartender Greg said to give you a shot on him."

_Score__. _"Thanks, bro." Noah pushed through the curtain and into the club.

* * *

_And__ this is much better than sitting in my dressing room staring at the phone. _Rachel took her place on stage, squinting slightly into the light. "Ready for the run through whenever you are, Ty."

Her boss nodded to the band. "Go for it."

The synthesizer hummed to life, the band playing the opening bars as Rachel preened under the lights.

Noah approached the bar as the music started. _Guess they're still rehearsing? _He lifted a hand for the bartender.

_"__And you can dance  
__For__ inspiration..."_

She crooked a finger at the invisible crowd.

"_Come on -  
__I__'m waiting..."_

Rachel blew out a breath, stepping into center stage to dance as the band played the chorus.

"_Get into the groove  
__Boy__, you've got to prove  
__Your__ love to me, yeah..."_

Noah smiled at the bartender. "Greg said to give me a shot on him? Jack Daniels, if you've got it." _Just to take the edge off for now. _

The bartender nodded, turning to retrieve the bottle.

Rachel prowled the front of the stage, waving her imaginary audience to dance with her.

"_Get up on your feet, yeah,  
__Step__ to the beat  
__Boy__, what will it be?"_

Noah frowned slightly as he waited for the whiskey. _That sounds _like...He turned towards the stage. _I think I found her..._He took the shot and licked his lips. "Lemme get two fingers of Maker's, straight." _I've got business to attend to._

Rachel grinned. _Nicely done by the band..._She took a glance at Ty as she moved through the bridge.

_"__Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free...  
__At__ night I lock the doors, where no one else can see."_

Noah took his whiskey like a shot and held up a finger for one more. _There's no one else here yet, really. I could just..._He accepted the refill with a nod, leaving another bill on the bar and moving towards the stage.

"_I'm tired of dancing here all by myself –  
__Tonight__, I wanna dance with someone else..."_

Ty prowled the floor, nodding in satisfaction at the sound mix and lighting. "Skip to the next verse, Rach."

Rachel only quirked a brow. _Testing the band? _She shrugged and sang.

_"__Gonna get to know you in a special way...  
__This__ doesn't happen to me every day..."_

He lingered in the archway between the bar and the dance floor. _I would love to get to know you again, Rachel, any way you'd let me._

She smiled seductively, moving towards the edge of the stage.

_"__Don't try to hide it, love wears no disguise  
__I__ see the fire burning in your eyes..."_

Noah locked his gaze on Rachel from the entrance to the room, unconsciously stepping forward. _Now you do._

_"__Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free.  
__At__ night, I lock the doors, where no one else can see..."_

She looked out onto the floor again, catching her breath. _It...it can't be, he's...he's supposed to be_...She shook her head, picking up the bridge. _He's a figment of your imagination, Rachel. _She pressed her hand to her heart and spun across the stage as she sang.

_"__I'm tired of dancing here all by myself...  
__Tonight__ I wanna dance with someone else..."_

_Would__ you dance with me? _Noah leaned against the wall, slowly sipping his drink. _I'd get up there in front of everyone and make a fool of myself for you._

Ty nodded at Rachel again, backing up towards the bar. He glanced at Noah out of the corner of his eye. "You know the show doesn't start for another half-hour?"

Noah nodded, grinning. "Oh, I know. But I think this –" He tipped his glass towards Rachel. "– might be the best part of it." _I always love to watch you work, Rach._

Rachel broke her gaze from him and concentrated on the dance routine for the musical break. _Maybe he'll just leave now that he can't get to me_...She grimaced for a moment. _Maybe I should've just texted him back._

Ty chuckled. "She's something all right. I'm gonna be able to say I knew her when."

Noah laughed. "Yeah, me too." _In a bunch of different ways..._

Ty turned to consider him. "Oh yeah? Are you a friend of Rachel's?"

The woman in question glared from across the room. _Leave me alone, Noah..._She plastered a smile on her face and sang.

_"__Live out your fantasy here with me...  
__Just__ let the music set you free..."_

_I__'m _something_ to her, that's for damn sure. _"Back from Lima, yeah. Noah Puckerman." He held out a hand. "I'm in the music program at NYU."

"Ty Matthews, I'm the manager for the Prom. Guessing Greg let you through." He shook Noah's hand. "So, you went to school with her?" Ty nodded towards the stage. "Was she always so...particular?"

Noah snorted a laugh. _If you have to ask, you know the answer. _"Yeah. I'll leave it at that."

Rachel danced her way through the chorus again. _What are they talking about?_

"_Get into the groove, boy,  
__you__'ve got to prove  
__your__ love to me, yeah..."_

_I__'m trying _to...Noah sipped his drink.

Ty turned a mischievous look to Noah. "Wanna mess with her?"

Noah only raised a brow. _Shut up, Ma, I have to at least ask. _"What do you have in mind?"

_"__Get up on your feet, yeah  
__Step__ to the beat  
__Boy__, what will it be?"_

"I told her this run-through is for the band, and she said of course it was, because 'Rachel Berry doesn't need to rehearse more than once'." Ty rolled his eyes. "Anything you can think of that might make her lose her concentration?"

_Are__ you fucking serious? _Noah looked around at the empty room. "How creative are we talking?" _Do I really want to do this?_

Rachel swallowed the protest as Ty and Noah continued talking. _Don't even look at him. He's not even there. _She let her smile go secretive. _Just focus, Rachel. You're a performer. This is nothing._

_"__Live out your fantasy here with me  
__Just__ let the music set you free..."_

_Music__..._He paused to listen. _Key doesn't sound too bad..._Noah turned to Ty. "Doors in fifteen?"

Ty nodded, raising a brow.

_"__Touch my body, and move in time  
__Now__ I know you're mine..."_

_No__, you don't. But you will. _Noah looked at Ty, waiting for his nod before heading towards the stage. _What the hell do I have to lose right now?_

"_Now I know you're mine..." _

Rachel stiffened as she watched Noah approach. _What is going on?_

_I__ am, damn it. _Noah drained his glass, setting it on a ledge. _I'm all yours, I should've always been yours. And I'm gonna prove it. Some fucking way..._He swallowed hard and sang from the foot of the stage.

"_How can I just let you walk away  
__just__ let you leave without a trace?"_

_This__ can't be happening. _Rachel backpedaled._ Damn it, Ty. I'm just going to keep going, that's what this is about._

_"__Now I know you're mine..."_

Noah moved slowly towards the stairs, shadowing her movements. _Can't really get away from me here._

_"__When I stand here taking every breath  
__with__ you..."_

He held out a hand. _Just give me another chance._

"_Now I know you're mine..."_

She looked at him warily. _Why can I never get away from you?_

Noah clenched his hand to a fist as she ignored it. _You have to know I mean all of it by now..._

"_You're the only one  
__who__ really knew me at all..."_

His voice was strong even against the band, his eyes locked on her. _Come on, Rachel..._

_Noah__, what are you - _She backed away slowly, smile going tight as she sang.

"_Get into the groove, boy,  
__you__'ve got to prove  
__your__ love to me, yeah..."_

_That__'s exactly what I aim to do. _Noah climbed the steps to the stage, the members of the band frowning quickly, changing keys and melodies.

_"__How can you just walk away from me  
__when__ all I can do is watch you leave?"_

Rachel backed up warily. _I want to leave, right now. What on Earth are you doing?_

_"'__Cause we shared the laughter and the pain -  
__and__ even shared the tears."_

_You__ know we did. _He met her gaze. _And you know I mean this._ Noah stretched a hand towards her again.

_"__You're the only one  
__who__ really knew me at all..."_

Rachel gritted her teeth as she stepped away, shaking a finger in his face. _Do not get me fired._

"_Get up on your feet, yeah  
__Step__ to the beat,  
__boy__, what will it be?"_

_She__'s ready to kill me. _ He fought back the grin. _Your boss' idea, Rach, not mine...I'm just taking advantage. _He spread both hands wide, opening his arms.

_"__So take a look at me now...  
__there__'s just an empty space..."_

He walked across the stage, his eyes locked to hers. _I love you, Rach, and I'm here to fight for you and for us._

"_There's nothing left here to remind me –"_

He met her at the end of the stage, reaching out to touch her cheek. _Rachel..._

_"__just the memory of your face...  
__Take__ take a look at me now..."_

Ty clapped his hands. "Damn, Rachel, I like your friends."

Rachel jumped away from Noah's hand, her own hand going to her cheek. "I – Ty –" _I can't – why are there butterflies in my stomach? Damn it..._

Her boss laughed. "And even then you kept going. You're one in a million."

_I__ missed the feel of your skin so fucking much..._Noah smiled. "She really is. You have no idea."

Ty nodded slowly. "I'm getting that idea. And you – what do you think about being an understudy in the show? You've got a great voice and a flair for the dramatic, I could use a hot guy like you to get those teeny boppers going. What do you think, Rachel?"

Noah shook his head. _Not putting her on the spot like that. _"Respectfully, Ty, I'd rather get this one on my own merit than on Rachel's recommendation." _Or lack thereof._ He caught her startled expression from the corner of his eye. "She earned this, and so should I."

Ty raised a brow. "I can respect that, Puckerman. Come back to my office." He turned to the band and Rachel. "You guys rocked the hell out of that. Awesome job following when I threw a curve at you guys. Really nicely done. We'll put it in the plot portion with Brent next week, tonight we'll just have Rachel sing it at the close to transition into Circus."

Rachel nodded jerkily. "Whatever you say, Ty." _What in the world is going on here?_

Ty pointed to his office. "Come on back when you and Rachel are done catching up, we'll talk." He left the floor, whistling.

_Don__'t fuck this up, Puckerman. _Noah held up a hand. "Before you take my head off, it was your boss' idea, he wanted to see if he could throw you off." He gave a half-smile. "I knew it wouldn't work. No matter how hard I tried." _I have faith in you._ "I figured I'd have some fun while showing him no one is as good as Rachel Berry."

Rachel frowned. _Stop being so..._"Noah, this is –" _So...so _good. She closed her eyes for a moment. "You can't -"

Noah shook his head. _I know, Rach, trust me. Please? _"This is your job, and I'm not going to disrupt you for the rest of the night, I swear." He swallowed, seeking her gaze. "I just needed to know you were okay."

_Stop__ it. Just stop it. _Rachel arched a brow. "You couldn't call Lori? Or my father? You've done that _quite_ effectively in the past."

"Except that now that I'm here, I don't want any people in the middle." _No one else, Rach. _He held her gaze. "I just want _you,_ Rach. I want to see you, I want to hear it from you..." He stepped towards her again, the rest an urgent whisper. "I want to hold you and tell you I'm sorry and tell you I lo –"

Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. _Don't. Please don't._ "Noah, I can't and I won't do this right now. I have to work. And you, apparently, have a date with my employer." _Yet another person in my world that you've just charmed the heck out of. _She opened her eyes and shook her head. "I have to go get ready."

_Why__ are you so desperate to avoid me after you reached out last night? _He grabbed her hand. "Just look me in the eyes, just once, and let me say it. If you can do that, I swear I'll leave you alone." _This is the biggest fucking gamble of my life..._

"I – I have to work, Noah." She slipped her hand from his and ran across the floor. _I can't – I can't look you in the eyes while you say the words I so desperately wanted..._

_Fuck__ yes. _Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth to hide his grin. _Lemme see about that job..._

* * *

Rachel slammed the bathroom door shut, leaning heavily against it as her heart raced. _Damn it, Noah, and damn you, Ty..._She closed her eyes again. _Noah..._Her eyes flew open again. _I can't – how could he – _She swallowed hard. _If I just let him say it, I can be done with this. _She looked towards the door. _Lori said it, and she's right. That's all he wants. _She pressed a hand to her heaving stomach, her gaze on her stricken expression in the mirror. _Except I don't think I can..._She caught her breath. _I don't think I can hear it and not..._

She sniffled, tears shining in her eyes. _Oh...oh, no. Is this what you all wanted me to realize? _The tears started a slow slide down her cheeks. _I don't think I can hear it and not want to say it back. _Her eyes were wide on her reflection. _I – I think I'm still in love with Noah Puckerman. _

* * *

_I__ come here to get Rach back, I leave with an excuse to see her every week that isn't class. _Noah knocked lightly on the door. _I'm fucking golden._

"Come in," Ty called.

Noah opened the door, entering the office and wiping his hands on his slacks. "I really appreciate this, Mr. Matthews." _You have no fucking clue how much._

Ty laughed. "Call me Ty. And as for the interview, are you kidding me? I'm half-hoping Brent is going to quit. Your chemistry with Rachel was amazing."

"Wait. I'd be the understudy for her lead?" Noah blinked, startled. _No wonder why she looked like she wanted to kill me._

Ty nodded. "I've been looking for the right guy to be Brent's understudy on and off for months. The guy we've got now is good, but he'd be better as an understudy for someone else." He shrugged. "He really doesn't have the right charm or the right swagger. And Brent's swagger is getting a little to big for the Prom, I think." He gestured across the desk at a chair. "Sit down, you want to do this right, so we will."

* * *

"Rachel?" Chelsea knocked on the door. "You in there?"

Rachel swiped at her cheeks, clearing her throat. _Can't I have a breakdown in peace? _"Yes, I am, Chels. I'll be right out." _Once it's less obvious that I've been crying..._

Chelsea leaned against the wall next to the bathroom. "Oh, no hurry. I just wanted to know who that hottie was."

Rachel hung her head. _As if this revelation wasn't bad enough, add Chelsea the man-chaser..._She splashed cold water on her face, dabbing herself dry to preserve her makeup. "He's a...a friend from back in Ohio." _And he's mine. _She shook her head. _He – dear sweet Streisand, he could be..._

"A 'friend', huh?" Chelsea's voice was sly. "How good of a friend?"

Rachel inhaled raggedly. _Now there is all of your turmoil encompassed in one seemingly innocuous question. _"We were…close." She shook her head. "Aren't you sleeping with Andy, anyway?"

"So?"

Rachel looked at herself in the mirror. _I look tired at worst. I can do this. _She opened the door. _"So_, is there no loyalty in your world?"

Chelsea rolled her eyes. "We're not _dating, _we're just hooking up."

_That__ sounds familiar, doesn't it? _Rachel fought back her grimace. "Are you sure that's how _he _sees it?"

Chelsea pushed past her to the mirror. "Does it really matter?"

_And__ this is why she is not my friend. _"Yes," she bit out. "It matters more than you could possibly know." Rachel shook her head and left the room.

* * *

"So, what are your long-term plans?" Ty leaned back in his chair, raising a brow. "What matters to you?"

_Rachel__. _Noah cleared his throat. "Um, well, I'm in the music composition program. I've been looking at part time jobs, but nothing really seemed to suit. This does, though." _For now, anyway._

Ty nodded slowly. "We just need you one night a week, should give you a little spending money. If we manage to get Brent to switch to the Circus or something, we'll renegotiate." He slid an application forward. "Fill this out, I'm gonna head out there to check on the festivities. I'll be back."

Noah stood when Ty did. "Even if I don't get the job, I really appreciate the compliments about me and about Rachel." _And I hope _she_ gets that too._

Ty narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, about that. Interesting song choice when you got up there."

_Fuck__. _Noah cleared his throat. _What do I say to that? Actually I was here to seduce her?_ "It, uh, seemed to fit with what Rach was singing, and –"

Ty waved a hand. "Fill that out, tell me the real story later. If it's gonna be a problem hiring you, I need to know that sooner than later." He gestured Noah back to the paperwork.

_Shit__, he's right. _Noah swallowed hard. "True. Okay, I'll fill this out and I'll be here."

Ty nodded, shutting the door behind him.

* * *

Rachel shut the dressing room door, gazing at herself in the mirror. _What am I doing? _She took a slow, deep breath. _I'm working, is what I'm doing. Anything and everything else is going to have to wait. _She lifted a hand, watching it shake. _It absolutely has to wait. I can't process this now. _She shook her hand out, turning away from her reflection.

A knock on the door startled her. "Rachel?"

_Ty__. Of course. _She closed her eyes, moistening her lips. "Yes, Ty?"

"Can I come in?"

_No__. _"Just a second." She smoothed her uniform, blinking at herself in the mirror. _You can do this, Rachel. You're fine. Just...don't think about it. _"Come in."

Ty opened the door, stepping inside. "Don't want to bug you too much before the show, but I just wanted to say that really was impressive. We're lucky to have you in the cast of the Prom."

Rachel flushed. _Impressive in light of the fact that I was ready to cry? _"Thank you, Ty, I appreciate that."

"That said, I know I missed something. Is it going to be a problem if I hire him as an understudy, Rachel?" He raised a brow. "If you say yes, I won't ask why, but I don't want to risk losing you over an understudy."

_Damn__ it. This just isn't fair. _"I – Noah is –" She held her breath for a moment, letting it out slowly. "Noah is a talented, responsible young man. He'd be an asset."

Ty frowned quickly. "That's not quite what I asked, and I know you know that."

_I__ know. I definitely should've had that shot. _She let her shoulders drop. "I can work with him, Ty." _I can do more than - damn it, Rachel! _She shook her head."I won't quit on you for hiring him."

Ty scrutinized his star. "All right. But if it looks that way, or if it feels that way to you, say so."

_The__ proposition is dangerous enough that it feels that way, but..._Rachel smoothed her hands over her hair. "It's quite all right, honestly." She drew a deep breath. "We can be professional."

He nodded carefully. "If you say so. Ready to get the show underway?"

_Thank__ goodness. _Rachel smiled. "Always."

* * *

_Just__ keep this professional, Puckerman. He doesn't need the whole history. _Noah put the pen down and pushed the paperwork forward. _School is enough._

Ty opened the door, holding his hand out with a sigh. "Where's that form?"

_Do__ I want to know why you're sighing? _Noah grabbed it from the desk and placed it in Ty's grasp.

Ty scanned it, grunting approval before tossing it onto his desk. He sat and folded his arms. "So I gave Rachel an out from working with you. She said you can be professional. True?"

Noah nodded emphatically. "Absolutely true." _I'd save the unprofessional stuff for the dressing rooms. _"She and I have worked together before, in Lima."

"Huh." Ty cupped his chin, leaning on the desk. "Is that where all this tension is from? High school?"

_And__ the fact that I love her and want her so fucking bad..._Noah cleared his throat. "Yeah, it is." _It actually is, that's true. _"I wasn't the best guy in high school, but I've grown a lot."

Ty raised a brow. "I hope that's true. She also promised she wouldn't quit over it if I hired you, so, pending the reference check, you're in." He held out a hand.

_Well__, fuck. _Noah stood to shake it. _I'm gonna be working with Rachel. _"If it comes to that, I'll quit. No question. She's the priority here."

Ty raised a brow, scrutinizing Noah. He blew out a breath. "You're the boy."

Noah frowned at the manager. _The who? _"I don't know what you're talking about."

Ty nodded towards the door. "You. Rachel. You're the one who broke her heart. Those crazy driven ones, there's almost always a boy. And the way she sings sometimes, she's definitely one with a boy. It's you." He rolled his eyes. "Maybe you're _not_ hired."

Noah shrugged. _I _did _say Rach was more important. _"If you'd rather not hire me, I get it. But I'm not looking to hurt her, if you noticed." He snorted. _Not even close. Not anymore. _"The opposite."

Ty tilted his head to regard the young man. "No, I noticed." He frowned. "Do me a favor. Stay till the end of the show. I want you two to try one number together on purpose."

"I intended to." _Whether you asked me to or not. _He shrugged, holding up his wrist. "I bought the ticket." _I want to get my money's worth, and maybe even talk to Rach if she'll let me close enough._

Ty snorted. "Yeah, you did. You definitely love the girl." He gestured Noah to the door.

"Yes, sir." Noah held the door open, nodding Ty through. "I do." _And I don't give a fuck who knows it anymore._

"Don't say that too loud, someone might take advantage." Ty clapped him on the shoulder. "I'll meet you back here after Into the Groove. Don't jump on stage this time, though." Releasing his potential employee, the manager merged into the gathering crowd.

_Well__, shit. This is gonna be a hell of a night._ Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and headed to the bar.

* * *

_This__ is just another night._ Rachel took her spot behind the curtain. _You've been doing this show for years. Understudy, regular, part of the squad, captain. Just do your job. _The synth kicked in as she inhaled.

* * *

Noah sipped his drink - _another one or two won't kill me for the audition_ - and blew out a breath. _I swear I'm not trying to hurt you, Rach. You know that, deep down. Just let me say those three little words, looking in your eyes._

* * *

Rachel swallowed as she spotted a familiar gaze on her. _Just another night._

But if she flirted a little harder, danced a little closer, no one remarked on it out loud.

* * *

_Three__ drinks might have been pushing it, Puckerman. _Noah splashed cold water on his face in the bathroom as Rachel sang "Into the Groove". _But at least you didn't grab the star of the show and haul her off to do unspeakable things._

He smirked at his reflection. _Fun, but unspeakable._

* * *

Rachel blew kisses to the crowd, running off stage and lowering her shoulders. _Finally. Someone get me a drink._

"Rachel." Ty beckoned her over. "Have a second?"

_No__, damn it, I have plans to forget about this night entirely._ "Just a second, Ty." Rachel turned to Chelsea. "Have a shot waiting for me, will you?"

Chelsea raised a brow but saluted. "Aye aye, Captain."

_She__ always puts on an act in front of the boss..._Rachel rolled her eyes and turned back to her supervisor. "Yes, Ty? What else can I do for you?"

He nodded towards his office. "I'm not going to ask for a reference check if you couldn't perform with him. I just want you to run one song for me - a duet. Just a little bit of one, to be sure."

_Oh__, no..._She cleared her throat. _I'm not ready to look at him, damn it. _"Which song would you like?"

Ty quirked a brow. "How about No Air? We're mixing in the 90s stuff more, it'd be a good one."

Rachel fought back her groan. _Of all the songs, my ridiculous ode to Finn. _"Of course. Did you tell Noah?" _I'm sure he'd _love_ to hear that._

Ty frowned, shaking his head. "I didn't talk to him about it at all, figured it's easy enough to sight read -"

She waved a hand. _Just another way my past comes back to me..._"He won't have to."

* * *

Noah wiped his hands on his pants. _This is fucking crazy. _He blew out a breath and glanced back at the door.

On cue, Ty and Rachel walked in. "Mr. Puckerman. I hear I'm not going to have to give you time to sight read. The song I'm looking at is No Air. I'm told you know it?"

Noah barked a laugh, his eyes shooting to Rachel's. _Yeah, we both do._ "More used to swaying in the back like a prop, but yeah, I know it."

Ty nodded. "Sounds good. Want to head out to the stage to use the band, or -"

Noah shook his head. _She's already so mad, I don't need to sing her a love song in front of everyone in the club._ "Nah, we can handle it." He hummed his opening note. "That it?"

Rachel nodded. _Just another performance._

Ty took his seat. "Go for it, whenever you're ready."

_Always__ ready for you, Rach. _Noah held out his hands for Rachel's. "I remember the staging too."

Rachel drew a deep breath. _You can do this. Don't think about what else might be going on._ She placed her hands in his, a jolt going through her at his touch. _Oh, Rachel...you do..._

Noah tightened his hands on hers, his thumbs rubbing circles in her palms. _You feel it too. _He nodded, licking his lips.

_I__ can't think about that now. This is my job. Focus. _Rachel closed her eyes, exhaling as she sang.

_"__If I should die before I wake  
__It__'s 'cause you took my breath away  
__Losing__ you is like living in a world with no air  
__Ohhh__..."_

Noah squeezed her hands as he picked up his verse. _It really was, Rach. It really was..._

_"__I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave  
__My__ heart won't move, it's incomplete  
__Wish__ there was a way that I can make you understand..."_

Rachel opened her eyes and looked into his. _Why can't I make _you _understand how much you hurt me? _

_"__But how do you expect me  
__to__ live alone with just me?  
__'__Cause my world revolves around you -  
__It__'s so hard for me to breathe..."_

_Rach__..._He swallowed before they sang the chorus, his eyes only on her.

_"__Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?  
__Can__'t live, can't breathe with no air  
__It__'s how I feel whenever you ain't there -  
__It__'s no air, no air_

_Got__ me out here in the water so deep  
__Tell__ me how you gonna be without me?  
__If__ you ain't here, I just can't breathe  
__It__'s no air, no air..."_

_I love you, Rachel. I __love__ you so fucking much..._Noah lifted their joined hands to her cheek, cupping it with both their hands.

_"__I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew  
__Right__ off the ground to float to you  
__There__'s no gravity to hold me down for real..."_

Rachel shivered at the caress of his thumb. _Noah..._

_"__But somehow I'm still alive inside -  
__You__ took my breath, but I survived  
__I__ don't know how, but I don't even care..."_

Her brows furrowed, stomach roiling. _I feel so...it feels like..._She swallowed. _Like the truth. I don't - _She shuddered, tears threatening.

_Rach__...oh, Rach, I'm so sorry. _He shook his head at the sheen in her eyes. _I love you, you have to see that now..._He poured himself into the song.

_"__So how do you expect me  
__to__ live alone with just me?  
__'__Cause my world revolves around you  
__It__'s so hard for me to breathe..."_

"Just skip the break, take this chorus into the key change," Ty urged.

Rachel took a shaky breath before the chorus. _We're as good as we ever were together..._

Noah inhaled slowly. _You can't kiss her right now. Stop thinking about it and don't fuck this up. _He quirked a brow before they shifted keys.

Rachel smiled, genuinely, a single tear escaping. _What am I supposed to do now?_

_"__It's no air, no air...  
__Tell__ me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?  
__Can__'t live, can't breathe with no air  
__It__'s how I feel whenever you ain't there -  
__It__'s no air, no air..."_

_I__ feel breathless right now, but for an entirely different reason..._Rachel licked her lips. "Got me out here in the water so deep..."

Noah's eyes were soft on hers. _I'm with you, Rach. I'm right here. _"Tell me how you gonna be without me..."

_I__'m not. _She shook her head. _I don't think I _want_ to be. _"If you ain't here, I just can't breathe..."

_"__It's no air, no air..." _

They both let their last notes drift into silence, gazes locked on each other.

Ty let out a low whistle. "You're both gonna have to excuse me, I think I'm about to go break Brent's leg or something."

Rachel jerked back to awareness, her eyes darting to her employer while she struggled to free her hands. _Wait, what am I thinking, what am I doing..._

Noah dropped a kiss on the top of each hand before releasing them. "No need to do that. It's flattering though." He turned to face Ty. "I'll work my way up like everyone else did." _Now just let us both go so I can try to seduce your star._

Rachel cleared her throat. "I'm going to go change. Thank you, Ty. Noah." She met his eyes briefly, heat filling her cheeks. _I have to get out of here. Clear my head._

Ty waved her off.

_I__'ll catch up, Rachel. _Noah watched her go, shifting slightly on his feet. _I'm liking Ma's idea to take the key more and more._

* * *

A tremor rolled down Rachel's spine as she shut the door. _Dressing room. Change. Shot. As quickly as possible. _She massaged her temples briefly and headed through the club.

* * *

Noah exhaled and turned back. "So, um, we're set?" _I don't know what changed with her, but I like it. _He rubbed a hand over his mouth, lips curving into a small smile. _I smell like her perfume._

Ty nodded slowly. "I think they're having drinks tonight. Go."

Noah grinned. "Thanks." _Don't mind if I do._ He stepped out of the office, making a beeline for the bar.

* * *

Rachel knocked on the locked dressing room door. _Didn't she have enough time while I was losing my mind in Ty's office? _"Chelsea? Are you done in there?"

Chelsea opened the door, flicking her hair over her shoulder. "Yup, just taking a little extra time on the makeup. I'll see you at the bar." She flounced past.

Rachel shut the door and leaned against it. _This is crazy. I don't know what's going on._ She bit her lip. _Do I call Daddy? Or do I just let the night go and deal with it tomorrow?_ She locked the door and sank into her seat before the vanity. _Maybe if I _look_ normal again, I can _feel_ normal..._

* * *

Noah swirled the ice cubes in his Scotch glass. _Come out, come out wherever you are..._

"Buy you a drink?" A blonde with a ready smile slid up next to him at the bar. "I figure the other way around is too old fashioned."

_Nice__ one, but I don't give a shit. _"I'm fine, thank you." He looked past her towards the door. _Taking your time, Rach?_

"Aww, come on, just one drink won't kill you, will it?" Chelsea raised a brow. "I can't imagine that it would."

"No, it wouldn't, but the one I have is just fine, I appreciate it." He took his glass and walked to the back corner of the bar. _Tell me she slipped out the back door, I'm gonna be pissed..._

* * *

Rachel sighed as she regarded her reflection. _Even when I look like myself, I don't feel like it..._She shook her hair out and stood. _Well, maybe a drink or two will be just what I need._

* * *

Chelsea tapped the bar in front of her. "Let me have seven shots of SoCo 100 and lime, Andy?"

"Sure thing, Chels." Her admirer smiled at her. "Everyone else joining you?"

She nodded. "Yeah, for a bit at least. Waiting for everyone else –"

"Wait no more!" Brent slung an arm around her shoulder. "Where's Rachel?"

"Everyone else was still getting changed," she replied, shrugging off his hold. "What, you got plans for her?"

He raised a brow. "Like it matters to you?"

She smiled. "You take all the time you want with Ms. Berry, Brent, no issues with me."

The rest of the cast approached. "Ready for shots?" Amy, her nerd in need of love costume long gone, dropped into the seat next to Chelsea and Brent. "I'm good to go."

Chelsea rolled her eyes. "Waiting for one more..."

Andy lined up the glasses, pouring out the shaker. "Here you go, babe." He placed a martini glass next to them. "And your dirty martini."

Chelsea slammed her back with a smirk. "Thanks." She picked up her glass and moved down the bar.

* * *

Rachel slicked on her lip gloss and stood. _Let's see if we can't survive the rest of tonight without me doing something irresponsible. _She assessed her miniskirt and sandals, shaking out her now-wavy hair. _At least I look better than I feel..._"Ready or not, here I come." She stood, smoothing her hands down her blouse. _Now to have that drink. Deep thoughts can wait until tomorrow, after a good night's sleep. _

* * *

Noah fought back a groan as the blonde approached again. _This is like a fucking bad dream. Where the hell are you, Rach? _"Listen, I really appreciate –"

Chelsea shook her head. "Forget it, I think I figured it out. You're taken, or you wanna be. I get it. Does that mean I can't chat with you?" She nodded towards the group behind her. "The people I'm supposed to be drinking with are the same ones I drink with every weekend. It's always nice to get to know new people, right?" She moved to stand directly in front of him.

* * *

Rachel pushed the door open. _Now where is everyone? _She scanned the bar, finding Brent smiling and holding up a shot.

"Hey, I was wondering what happened to you." He held out the glass. "Chelsea already took hers. She's such a player, I don't understand why Andy is hung up on her."

Rachel frowned quickly. "What do you mean?"

Brent nodded to the corner of the bar. "I mean she's been flirting shamelessly with that guy."

_Oh__, no..._Taking a deep breath, she turned. _Of course she is. _She swallowed hard. _And what are you prepared to do about it now, Rachel? _She ignored the sick twisting of her stomach and faced Brent again. "Shall we have that shot?"

Brent grinned and clinked his shot glass to hers.

* * *

"What's a guy like you doing at the Prom anyway? Or are you here early for the Circus?" Chelsea lifted a brow, leaning against the bar. Her shirt shifted to give him a peek of leopard print bra.

_Oh__, give me a fucking break. _"I'm actually looking for someone." He leaned around to look at the crowd. "So if you don't mind –"

Chelsea shook her head. "Not at all. So who are you looking for?"

_This__ chick doesn't take a fucking hint..._He took a slow inhale. "No one you need to concern yourself with." _But you need to get out of the way before I forget you're a girl and punch you in the face._

* * *

Rachel and Brent slammed their glasses on the bar.

"Do you want another drink?" Brent smiled, laying his hand over hers. "My treat."

"I –" She glanced over, her stomach turning again. _If Noah Puckerman wanted to get away from a girl, he would. _"I'd love one. Whatever you want. Make it strong."

He raised a brow. "Strong? You? Are you sure?"

She smiled tightly. "It's Labor Day weekend, why not? I have nowhere to be." _No one to be with..._

* * *

_Is__ that Rach over there? _Noah peered around Chelsea again. "Look, it's flattering that you're so interested, but it's bordering on pathetic."

Chelsea glared. "Um, _excuse_ me? Who the hell are you looking for anyway?"

He gave a dangerous smile. "Someone a lot better than you." _Not that it would be a tough thing to find._

* * *

Rachel accepted the drink with a smile. _Ah, oblivion in a glass. _"Thanks, Brent. So, what am I having exactly?" She took a sip through the straw, making a face. _Oh, goodness. That needs to get chilled down._ "It tastes vaguely of liquor and battery acid."

He laughed. "You said strong, so I ordered the strongest thing I could think of." He lifted his drink. "Cheers to new experiences."

She quirked a brow, toasting with him. "That doesn't tell me the name of the drink." She took another, longer pull from the straw. _It's starting to grow on me. I don't know whether to be impressed or alarmed..._

Brent nodded. "Yup. There's a price for that information, Ms. Berry." He held out his free hand. "Dance with me."

_This__ again? _Rachel sighed. "Brent –"

He only shook his head. "One dance. It won't kill you." He wiggled his fingers.

A growling guitar riff echoed as the music came back on. _You're lucky I like this song. _"Fine. One song." _And then I'm going home to try to figure out when the world went mad. _She took two more gulps through the straw, tucking her hand in his and taking the drink to the dance floor.

* * *

"I'd kill you if you weren't so damned cute." Chelsea took a drink of her martini, removing the skewer and using her tongue to coax an olive off. "Fine, go. I hope whoever you're looking for is looking for you too." She spun away, heading to the cluster of cast members.

_Yeah__, me too. Except now I've lost her. _He shook his head. _If that was her, she's gone now..._He frowned. _And so is that guy..._He waved the bartender over. "Hey, have you seen Rachel? Head cheerleader chick?"

Andy nodded towards the dance floor. "Yup, she just made Brent's day. He's been dying to get with her."

Noah turned to follow his gaze. _Well, shit._

* * *

_"__To touch is to heal  
__To__ hurt is to steal  
__If__ you want to kiss the sky  
__Better__ learn how to kneel  
__On__ your knees, boy_

_She__'s the wave  
__She__ turns the tide  
__She__ sees the man inside the child  
__Yeah_

_It__'s all right, it's all right, it's all right  
__She__ moves in mysterious ways..."_

_I__ am not going to even look at him. _Rachel took another drink, avoiding the corner of the bar as she swayed her hips. _I can do this._

Brent set his hands at her waist, leaning close behind her. "It's a Long Island Iced Tea," he said into her ear.

She shivered. _He's – too close._ She spun around in his grasp, smiling as she pulled away to stir her glass. "I should have known," she replied. "That's Chelsea's drink when she doesn't have Andy to spoil her."

"Yeah, well, she's breaking his heart again tonight." He caught Rachel's hands, drawing her in before twirling her back to him. "Andy looks like he's gonna cry and I can't figure out what the deal with the other guy is. He totally blew her off."

_He__ did? _Rachel bit her lip, glancing over Brent's shoulder.

Noah locked eyes with her, a smile growing on his lips. _I see you looking, Rach. Come on over at any time..._

She flushed, looking away quickly. _What were you thinking about Noah's ability to __brush __off unwanted advances? _"Well, I suppose not everyone is subject to Chelsea's charms."

Brent turned her again. "I'm subject to _yours_ though," he murmured in her ear.

_Damn it, Brent..._She removed a hand from her hip. "I'm not, Brent, and you know that." _How many times do I have to tell you that? _She shook her head. "Thank you for the drink and for the dance, but I –"

"I'm sorry," Brent pleaded. "It's the liquor talking." He gave a half-smile. "You can't blame me, Rachel. Blame it on the a-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol?"

Rachel sighed. _He's right, he can't hold his liquor. _She nodded, but took the other hand from her hip. _But he can't hold me, either._ "Believe me when I say I understand, Brent. It doesn't change anything for me, however."

"Fine," he conceded. "But at least finish the drink before you leave me here."

She moved the straw aside, draining the last third of the glass in steady gulps. "Done," she announced. _You didn't know I could do that, did you? _She licked her lips. "That's actually delicious when properly chilled."

He gave a low whistle. "I hope you think so later."

She raised a brow. "I'm sure I will, actually. Now you'll have to excuse me." She turned towards the bar. _Out of the frying pan and into the fire..._

Noah straightened. _She totally blew that dude off, chugged her drink and is heading right for me. _He finished his beer, setting the bottle on the bar and walking towards her.

_He__ spotted me..._Rachel blew out a breath. _What am I doing..._Her feet continued towards the bar.

"Hey, are you leaving already?" Chelsea hooked an arm around Rachel's waist, spinning her back to the dance floor. "We didn't even get to have a drink!"

_That__'s because you were trying to steal my – oh, Rachel. _She swallowed hard. _I didn't just think that, did I?_

Chelsea waved the rest of the cast over. "Shots!"

Noah watched the group close in, swearing under his breath. _Whatever, I have time tonight. _He made his way back to the bar and held up a finger for another whiskey.

Rachel looked around, panicked. _More – but – I just wanted to – _She exhaled as Andy brought Noah another drink. _Maybe one more won't hurt. _She glanced at Brent._ Liquid courage, right? _She stomped on the voice reminding her of drunken revelations. _Just one..._She bit her lip. _Maybe then this will be easier to deal with..._

* * *

_Maybe__ I shouldn't have offered my night to the universe..._Noah nursed another drink, the rowdy group of cast members assembling for yet more shots. _That's what, two rounds of shots and at least two tall mixed drinks in that tiny package?_

Rachel took the tequila, grinning as she slammed the glass on the bar. _Ooo, dizzy. _She blinked slowly. _Maybe I shouldn't have had that other Long Island Iced Tea. _She rubbed a hand over her forehead. _Liquid courage or liquid stupid..._

_Fuck this. _Noah drained his whiskey, leaving the glass and his spot to approach the group. _Before I lose her again..._He leaned in to whisper, his hand cupping her bare shoulder. "I've been waiting pretty patiently, Rach. Have a minute?"

She inhaled raggedly at the sound of his voice. _Just the touch of your hand, and I'm melting again..._She shivered and nodded, her eyelids fluttering. _For you, I have all the time in the world. _"Yes, Noah," she murmured hoarsely, turning towards him.

He gritted his teeth. _If I just kissed her, right now..._He shook his head. _Not gonna take advantage. _"Should I be getting you a glass of water?"

_Get it together, Rachel. _"You're acting like I'm drunk, Noah," she managed. "I only had a few." _A really _strong _few..._She giggled.

_Shit, waited too long. _He shook his head. _Well, that's what I get for hanging back. At least I can be sure she gets home safe, right? _"Yeah, like two shots, a mixed drink and you chugged something else in a few minutes. I also have no idea what was for dinner."

She smiled. _Dinner! I had dinner. That's something I can talk about that isn't dramatic. _"Veggie burger. Brent got it for me. Ty paid though, so you don't have to worry. I told him I just wanted a burger from him. Brent, not Ty. Ty likes you a lot. And it was a Long Island Iced Tea. I had to dance with him so he'd tell me what it was. Brent. Not Ty. Ty doesn't dance with me." _You could dance with me. _She cupped his cheek. "Not even a skirt this short could get him to dance."

_Oh, yeah, I remember this real well. _He shook her lightly. _A filterless Rachel is amusing, but also a little too drunk for me. _"Rach, baby, you need to hydrate, okay? I want to talk to you but I _don't_ want you to forget this conversation."

_I can't forget anything about you. _She tapped his nose. _Hey, wait a minute. _"You called me 'baby.' You shouldn't do that while I'm your teacher. Almost your teacher. You know." She waved a hand. "That assistant thing."

He chuckled. _Damn it, Rach..._"I know, you won't be though. Not forever." _Not even past Friday. _"Let me get you some water."

She shook her head. _That means you leave me. Don't leave me..._"Dance with me. I missed you." _I did, I missed you..._She moved closer, batting her eyelashes. "Please?" _Stay. Touch me, dance with me..._

_If__ you only knew what I wanted to do instead..._He swallowed hard. "You make it really tough to say no." He grabbed her hand and led her to the floor. _Sweat out the liquor, then we'll talk. _He spun her out and pulled her back to his front, his arms around her waist as they moved to the beat. _And of all the fucking songs..._

Rachel beamed, leaning her head back onto his shoulder. _This feels so good..._"I missed this," she admitting, swaying her hips in time with his. "I miss the way we move together." _Like we fit._

Noah let his eyes fall shut, catching his breath._ I miss the way we move too, baby, but not on the dance floor. _"You're the only one standing in the way now, Rachel."He pulled her in tight and sang the chorus softly into her ear.

_"__You should let me love you  
__Let__ me be the one to  
__give__ you everything you want and need..."_

Rachel gave a low hum of satisfaction, heat pooling low and deep. _Feels so good, it's been so long..._

_Fuck__, Rach..._He nipped at her ear.

_"__Baby good love and protection  
__Make__ me your selection  
__Show__ you the way love's supposed to be..."_

_**"C'mon, Rach, trust me, let go."**_

His voice whispered in her head, her core wet at the memory of him inside her. _You did show me, show me again..._She shivered and put her arms over his as they danced.

Noah fought the groan, pressing a light kiss to the side of her neck. _I want you so badly, Rach, shit..._

_"__Baby you should let me love you  
__love__ you  
__love__ you...  
__love__ you..."_

She turned and trailed a hand down his shirt, tucking her hand in his waistband to hold him in place. _Mmm..._"I don't think there's _anything_ in the way right now," she murmured. "Didn't you enjoy full commando when you were going out?"

He clenched his teeth. _Fuck this, she's being a little tease. _"I still do," he growled. _Least I can do is tease back. _"Wanna feel?" He wrapped his arm around her waist again, holding her still as he pressed close.

Rachel gasped, her hand grazing naked skin, the sensation bringing everything into focus. _Oh, what have I gotten myself into? _She looked into his eyes. _Dear heaven, I think I'm in trouble_...She licked her lips. "Noah..."

_Damn__ right, now I know you know who you're looking at. That's enough for me. _Noah lowered his head and kissed her.

_Noah__…_Rachel whimpered into his mouth and kissed him back.

_Fuck__, yes..._He cracked an eye, walking them to a corner and pinning her into it.

Rachel slipped her hand out from between them to loop her arms around his neck, lifting herself closer. _Don't stop, don't think, just feel..._

Noah groaned, wrapping his hands around her waist and under her blouse to stroke her skin. _Fuck, Rach..._He licked into her mouth, swallowing her moan with a grin. _Don't ever try to tell me you feel nothing for me..._

Rachel shivered, tentatively venturing her tongue into his mouth. _I missed everything..._She reluctantly pulled a hairsbreadth away. "Take me home," she whispered.

He shuddered, freezing in place. _Alcohol, Puckerman, alcohol. _"Rach –"

She took a slow lick of his lower lip. _You taste so damn good..._"Don't you want to?"

_You__ fucking kidding me? _He tightened his grip on her waist, hauling her in and grinding lightly. "Does it _feel_ like I don't?"

She giggled breathlessly. "It feels like you _do." And I do too, I want you..._

"Good, so don't question me." He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Are you sure?" _Just because I'm taking her home doesn't mean I can't control myself. It just means I don't _want_ to. _"Do you need to say good night?"

_Good__ night? To who? _Rachel blinked slowly._ I'm at work. What am I doing? _She swallowed, peeking over his shoulder. _Ha – nothing worse than them. _"I don't think anyone is going to miss me," she murmured, smirking.

Noah turned, watching the persistent blonde and Rachel's admirer on the dance floor. "Nope." _And thank fuck for that. _"Let's get out of here." He released his grip to snag one arm around her waist, the other hand going to his pocket.

Rachel bit her lip and nodded. _I feel like I'm going to burst in flames..._

* * *

Ilana jumped as her phone vibrated, sneaking it out low to check the message from her son.

**Don****'t wait up.**

Ilana reached out for Sarah's arm, drawing her attention to the glowing screen.

Sarah frowned quickly at the cell, comprehension dawning. She grinned, and held her fist out.

Ilana tilted her head.

Sarah held it up higher. "Give me a pound, Ma!" she hissed.

"A - " Ilana laughed, fist-bumping her daughter and closing her phone.

* * *

**A.N.**: Don't kill me. Please don't kill me. But trust me when I say if I cut it somewhere else, you would _really_ kill me. I am already a lot of the way through the next update, and in fact, it might just be the _last _update! So crazy, but I hope you enjoy it. Please be patient, please review, and have faith in me and my Puckleberry love. Love you guys, for real. 3


	20. Uncharted

**A.N.: **And here we are, at the last chapter of "Between the Lines". I want to thank you all for sticking with me through this story, and I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

* * *

_Suggested listening: Sundrenched World, Joshua Radin; Evening Kitchen, Band of Horses; Last Flower (live, alt. lyrics), Mads Langer; Love Lost, The Temper Trap; Come Home, OneRepublic feat. Sara Bareilles; After the Storm, Mumford & Sons; Everything, Lifehouse; Uncharted, Sara Bareilles_

**Chapter 19: Uncharted**

* * *

Noah opened the door, guiding Rachel out into the night. "Water yet, Rach?" _You know I want you, but not like this. We deserve better._

Rachel stood still, closing her eyes and inhaling slowly. _Still a little dizzy._ "I – I don't – " _Maybe he's right?_ "Noah –"

_Yup. Too much to drink._ "Don't," he said quietly. _I feel you thinking._ "Don't say anything, Rachel, please. Let's get you water, let the liquor process, then we'll talk." _And I will try my damnedest to keep my hands to myself._

She nodded. _Water, yes._ She licked her lips. _Because I can taste the cherry Chapstick you use and it's driving me crazy..._

He watched her tongue trace her mouth and took a shaky breath. _You're not gonna push her, Puckerman. _"Water. Want me to go back in?"

_Oh my goodness. _She flushed. "I think I left my purse in the dressing room." _Where is my head tonight?_

He grinned. _You wanted me to take you home that badly? _"I can get it."

"Let me, it's easier. I'll get a water while I'm in there." She turned back towards the door, stumbling slightly. _Damn it, I shouldn't have had so much._

_Whoa._ Noah grabbed her arm, draping it around his waist. _Yeah, definitely not doing anything until she's more herself._ "We'll both go. I don't want you falling down in front of your boss."

"You always took care of me," she murmured. _Rachel!_ She shook her head. _Not always, forgetting already?_ "Thank you."

_I didn't always. And I'm sorry for that._ "I always knew you were precious, even if I didn't always act that way," he offered. "And I'm sorry that I didn't." _I should have. I know I should've, Rach._

_Maybe not always, but when it counted..._Rachel swallowed hard, smiling tightly at the bouncer. _We were so young, so reckless..._"Let's just – "

"Bag first, talk later, I get it, Rach." _But if I get the chance, if you give me an opening, I'll speak the truth to you._ Noah kept his hand at the small of her back, thumb tracing a pattern through the thin chiffon of her blouse. _Like how perfect you are to me._ "You do look hot as hell, Rach. Seriously fucking gorgeous."

She shivered. _Just your voice, your words..._"Thank you, Noah." _I don't know if it's the liquor or you that's making me light-headed._ She tucked herself towards the bar to get around the floor. "Andy, can you give me a bottle of water?"

"Can you give me a shotgun?" The bartender frowned towards the dance floor and handed her a bottle. "Oh, and your fries got nowhere." He slid the aluminum container to her, his eyes still on the crowd.

Rachel followed his gaze. _You are such an idiot, Chelsea._ She pursed her lips for a moment, glancing behind her. "Andy, listen to me." _I know what you're feeling. _She leaned across the bar. "The right person, however you start off, won't set out to hurt you. They might hurt you out of ignorance, or –" She glanced sidelong at Noah. "Or out of a misguided desire to protect you, but not deliberately, intentionally, in front of everyone." _I know, because he didn't. He wouldn't._

Andy scoffed. "No offense, Rachel, but –"

_Don't you fucking dare._ Noah stepped towards the bar, his hand on Rachel's back. "Dude, if you tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about, I'm gonna have to punch you in the face, no matter how good your whiskey and cokes are." _You have no fucking clue right now._ He shook his head. "She knows how it feels, and she's right." He looked at Rachel for a long moment. _I won't hurt you now, Rachel, I swear. And I'm so fucking lucky you get why I did back then. _He turned back to the bartender, pointing behind him at the dance floor. "That shit is blatant and hurtful. Move on. She's not worth it."

_I'm more convinced it's Noah rather than the liquor by the minute._ Rachel reached out for Andy's hand, grabbing it and squeezing it. _And this is bringing me right back to reality._ "Know the difference between the good ones and the bad ones, Andy." _And my reality is I have a good one. _She relinquished her grip and turned back to Noah.

_Rach_...He took her hand and brought it up for a kiss. _You really _have_ been thinking about us._ "I love you," he murmured.

_I love you too._ She caught her breath, gazing into his eyes. _Oh my goodness._ "I – I –"

He shook his head, grabbing the container from the bar. _I'm not pushing this. It's too fucking important._ "Let's go get your bag."

Rachel nodded numbly. _Yes, please..._Butterflies danced in her stomach as they pushed through backstage. _I need to get out of here and see where we really are._

Noah looked around the hallway. _Okay, I'm no help. _"This one's all you, Rach, I don't know where we're going." _Hope you're sober enough._

_I don't know either, but I want to. _She shook her head. "It's this way." _I do. I want you._ She swallowed. _I want you, I want us, I want everything..._She took the lead towards the closed doors, stumbling slightly again as the realization hit. _I never stopped loving you or wanting you, did I? No matter what I told myself. _

Noah caught her arm with a smirk. "You just want me to hold on to you." _And I will, for as long as you'll let me._

_Yes, I do._ She pressed a hand against her stomach, warmth spreading through her. _Dear sweet Streisand, I do. I want you to hold me, and touch me, and take me again..._She only smiled tightly. "Here." _Right here. Right now..._

_And danger zone number one._ "Should I wait for you?" Noah raised a brow. "I don't want you hurting yourself when I'm not looking." _But I don't want to push either._

Rachel opened the door, glancing inside. _No one's here._ She wordlessly tugged him in behind her.

_What is she –_ "Rach, you don't –" He swallowed hard as he caught her expression. _Oh, fuck, I know that look. I _dream _about that look._ He gestured back over his shoulder. "I could just –" _leave before I do something you'd regret..._

She pushed the door shut behind them, putting the water bottle down and grabbing him by his collar. _You could, but I don't want you to._ "I know," she whispered, and leaned up on tiptoes to kiss him.

_Fuck, Rach..._He tossed the fries aside, setting his hands to her waist and his back to the door. _Just a little kiss..._

Rachel shifted closer, a small sigh of contentment in her throat. _I don't know that I'll _ever_ want you to leave me again..._

_You're gonna be the fucking death of me. _Noah lifted her up to deepen the kiss. _And I'd die happy._

_Noah_...Rachel looped her arms around his neck, her mouth urgent on his. _Yes, please, more..._

_Get a grip, Puckerman..._Noah tore his mouth away. "Fucking shit, Rach, _you're _the incorrigible one now." _I'll get a grip - a grip on _her_, just for a little while longer..._

"You love it," she murmured breathlessly. _And I love you..._Rachel reclaimed his mouth, her hands cupping his face to keep him in place.

_I fucking do._ He groaned into the kiss. _And I love_ you. He slipped his hands under her blouse again, massaging her skin and sliding upwards to stop at her bra.

_Oh, Noah...you feel so good..._Rachel arched into him, her tongue wild in his mouth, leaving the smoky taste of whiskey in its wake.

_Shit, shit, shit._ "Rachel," he rasped, breaking the kiss. _I can't believe I'm gonna fucking cockblock_ myself. "Rachel, we –"

_I like the sound of that – we._ She nuzzled into his neck, nibbling. _And I love the taste of you._ "Mmm?"

"You're killing me, baby, but we can't –" _I won't fuck this up, I can't fuck this up..._He stiffened against her, her teeth nipping at his carotid artery. _"Fuck,_ Rach..."

_Yes, please..._She licked a line to his ear. "Yes, Noah?" she breathed.

He shuddered. _Shit, you haven't forgotten a fucking thing_. "Not here," he growled. "I want you so fucking bad, but not like this."

"Too long already," she protested. _Damn it, Noah, just..._

"No kidding, princess, but that's on you and that's why I won't do this." _I want you too badly to fuck it up._ Noah kissed her hard and set her away from him. "Get your bag." He retrieved the abandoned fries. _Carbs. Carbs are good too._

_He really has changed._ Rachel inhaled raggedly, turning to retrieve her purse. _And thank goodness for that._ She picked up the water bottle, opening it and guzzling half of it. _We have some things to discuss first._

He smiled. _Guess you're ready to have this conversation too? Finally?_ He removed the waxed paper cone with the remaining fries and held out his arm. "Walk with me."

_**Crooking his arm for hers after Finn's desertion, hot kisses and cool sheets...**_

Rachel caught her breath and tucked her arm into his. _This feels...right._ She looked up at him, licking her lips. _It always has. _"Noah –"

Noah shook his head. _Might be good, but..._"Not here. Come on." He opened the door, leading them back out into the main club. "You know I saw you here? Years ago?" _Kinda rocked my world to its core._

_Oh, yes..._She gave a soft smile, grabbing a couple of fries. _The guy who looked like he was going to kill Connor. _"I know. I heard, after the fact." She took a few more. _Food. Food is good. I won't allow any doubt if I'm sober. _She paused for a moment, regarding him thoughtfully. "Did you..."

He quirked a brow. "Did I...did I know?" He scoffed. "Not a fucking clue." _Wish I did. I would've left Q home and who knows..._He shrugged. "And then when I saw you, I was –"

"Intercepted. I know." _And thank goodness for that, actually. _She shrugged, waving at Andy as they passed and taking more fries. _It feels like forever ago..._"Lori told me. And Connor. He actually mentioned you that night." She glanced up at him. _If I'd known..._"You were...you were watching me, and looking at him like you wanted to kill him."

"Of course I was." _Even if I didn't really get why. _Noah handed her the waxed paper cone of fries to finish. _Carb up, baby, I've got all night. _"I couldn't take my eyes off of you. And if you hadn't kissed Connor, I would've come over." _Wonder what would've happened if I did..._

"I would have run." _So fast, and so far..._Rachel shook her head, tossing the empty wax paper in a garbage can as they passed. _Good, my head is feeling clearer and clearer..._"I would have told you to get away from me and deliberately made out with Connor." _It was safer that way..._

"You're not running now, though." He paused. _Here's hoping I didn't just jinx that. _"Home or somewhere else?"

She bit her lip. _I don't necessarily trust myself at home with you, even sober and with Dad and Daddy. _"Somewhere else, I think." _Especially if we're going to _talk_. We both might get other ideas with a bed that close..._

He nodded. _Probably safer._ "Done." He turned towards Union Square. _Now for the sobriety check. _"How's your head?"

Rachel took a deep breath. _This is my opportunity to disclaim my actions_...She met his eyes. _But I don't want to anymore. _She pursed her lips briefly and replied. "Much less foggy between the water and the carbohydrates," _plus the realization that a good portion of that behavior was just brought on by _you _and not liquor,_ "and perhaps slightly embarrassed."

"Embarrassed? Why?" _Fuck, that's the _last_ thing you need to be. _Noah tugged her across the street, smirking. _Especially not when I'm over the damn moon about it._ "There's nothing for you to feel bad about, trust me."

_If you say so, but..._She gave a shy smile. "Thank you, Noah. And I just –" _lost my mind a little._ "I was –" _out of my head with wanting you._ "I shouldn't have –" _tried to jump you in the _dressing room,_ dear sweet Streisand, Rachel, this isn't _high school _anymore..._

He shook his head. _Oh, fuck no, no apologizing, no regretting..._"Do you have any idea how phenomenal it is to kiss you? To touch you?" _After all this time, and all that running? _He linked their fingers and kissed her hand. "I feel like I'm in my best fucking dream, and you're _embarrassed." No fucking way._

She flushed. _Your best dream? _"I – I'm not –" She swallowed as her subconscious murmured to her. _Just admit it. You want him. You want this. _"I'm still proud to have you on my arm," she managed. _And I want you everywhere else._

"Rach..." _You haven't forgotten a single minute. _He kissed her hand again. "I should've let you know I was proud to have you on my arm too." _Because I was. I always was._

_And suddenly I'm not only sober, but a little angry. _She shook her head. "You weren't," she said flatly. _Time to clear the air. _She looked into his eyes. "You _weren't_ back then, Noah, and I'd thank you not to –"

"You've got to be kidding me." He shook his head. _Give me a fucking break. _"You always think so fucking little of yourself, don't you." _How can you think that? _He pulled them to a stop to take both of her hands. "I wasn't proud of _me,_ and I didn't think I _deserved_ to have you on my arm." _It was never about you, Rach, don't you get that yet?_ He clenched his jaw before continuing. "I didn't let myself seriously think you were for me."

Rachel winced. _I don't mean to think so little of myself, but..._"I noticed," she offered dryly. _You never made it seem like – _She inhaled slowly. _Like what? Like he'd beat up a freshman over an accident? Or kill your then-boyfriend to get to you? _Her brows drew together in a frown. _Maybe he did, but then..._"But you also pushed me away – _shoved_ me –"

He frowned. _For your own good, at least that's what I thought back then._ _"After_ you told me to go after Quinn. You told me to go. You were –" He swallowed hard. "You were already –"

"I was already in love with you." _Just say it._ She withdrew her hands. _Damn it, Noah._ "I was already in love with you, and it tore at me more than I thought it could that you wanted her while I was with you."

"I didn't, Rachel. You know that." _Don't you?_ He gestured down the street. _Damn, I hope you do. But we'll fix that real fast._ "Sit with me? Union Square should be nice tonight."

She nodded jerkily, crossing without looking at him. _This is why you needed to talk first. There are issues here to be resolved, you know there are..._She took a long drink from the water bottle. _No matter how much you'd like to forget and just have him kiss you again..._

_Fuck. Really good thing I didn't take her up when the alcohol was talking. _Noah guided them towards a spot away from the other clusters of people. "This okay?"

_Hopefully it will be soon._ Rachel cleared her throat and sat. "Yes, this is fine." _Once and for all, one way or another._

He settled himself next to her. _Let's take care of some of this shit. _"I was an asshole, Rach. A fuck-up, a jackass, and every name in the book." _I know that, I get it._ He shook his head. "But I didn't want Quinn more than you." _I don't think I ever did_. "I didn't get it back then, you _know _I didn't, but –" He continued quietly. "I didn't love her, Rach. I loved what she represented and how she and I could rule the school, but not _her."_

"But that was still more important than me." _It _was, _you can't tell me it wasn't._ Rachel drew her knees to her chest, hugging her legs.

_"Fuck_ no." He shook his head vehemently. _More important? Never._ "It felt..." He shrugged. "It felt safer, familiar, and it was _easier_. You – " He ran a hand over his scalp. "Rach, just by _existing _you challenged everyone around you to be better. You looked at me and saw all this potential that I didn't see, and I thought you were crazy to believe –"

"But look at you now, Noah, and tell me I was wrong." Rachel pursed her lips. _If I was crazy, I was crazy for you..._

"I know." Noah touched her knee, seeking her gaze. _You gotta believe me._ "I know, Rachel, and I have to thank you. I wouldn't even have tried for these programs if it wasn't for you."

_I doubt that's true._ She looked away. "It had nothing to do with me, Mr. Schue was the one who –"

"Encouraged me, maybe, but the one who inspired me has been you, for years." _I think it always will be._ He cupped her chin, turning her to him. "I've been writing for you for what feels like forever, and it's getting more obvious every day. We talked on the phone and I stayed up all night to write three songs."

Rachel blinked. _Stayed up all night to..._"Three songs?" _That's what kept you from sleeping? That's what you were doing?_

Noah nodded, chuckling. _Bet I could've written more if I actually _tried. _These just poured out of me. _"Yeah. One about how I wish you would listen to me, one about how…" He cleared his throat. "About how I'm with you wherever you go, and another about how someday you would understand love doesn't have to hurt." _It doesn't. I'll prove it if you let me._

"Sing one to me?" _If they tell me what you're thinking right now, I think I want to hear them. _She tucked her hair behind her ear, pulling the bottle of water from her bag. "I'm feeling fine, but..." _this is much less dangerous to my sanity._

"Do you have a key to the practice rooms?" He shrugged. "I'm guessing you wouldn't come back to my apartment, but the one I really want you to hear needs a guitar." _And I really do want you to hear it._

She shook her head. _Alone with you when I've already shown my instincts are to forget everything and just kiss you?_ "I have a key, but I don't think it's a good idea. A capella. I know you can."

_Well, yeah, but that means I'm singing a solo. _Noah licked his lips. "You sure?"

Rachel nodded. "Please. I just...I need a minute to breathe." _You want to breathe, yet you're asking for a song? _She took another drink of water. _Maybe not a minute to breathe, but a minute to sit and process all of this._

_I don't know if this'll help with that, but if it's what you want. _Noah lifted a brow, leaning towards her. "Can you look at me while I sing, then?"

She bit her lip and turned to him. _I think it's past time that I did._

_Well, here goes. _He cleared his throat and started to sing softly.

_"It's in the way she fights her fears  
__It's in the way she hides her tears from me..."_

He cupped her cheek gently. _I know you have, and I'm sorry for it._

_"It's in her eyes I see the changes  
__It's in the way she smiles so desperately..."_

His thumb brushed the corner of her mouth. _We're gonna change that._

_"She is a wild flower  
__She is a deep sea  
__The tide will always bring her back to me."_

She swallowed hard. _We do seem to find our way to each other over and over again._

_"It's in the way she loses her mind  
__Running away, leaving everything behind..."_

She froze._ This really is for me._

_"Baby, I know wherever you go  
__'ll always be with you  
__I'll always be with you..."_

_This is for _us. Rachel took another sip of water. _There is still an "us" for him._

_"She is the water in my hands  
__Chasing me out of my shadowlands..."_

Their gazes locked.

_You saved me over and over again, Rach. _Noah took her hand from her knee. _We both know you did._

Rachel drew a shuddering breath. _Oh, Noah...if only you looked at me like that years ago..._

_"And it's in her voice I hear the changes  
__It's in the way she sings, but not for me..."_

Noah squeezed her hand as he sang the chorus. _I don't know what's going on in there, but I hope it's not regret. I can't regret finally kissing you and touching you again. _He held her gaze as he sang the last verse.

_"She is the last flower  
__in casual clichés  
__I'm grasping for her,  
__forever and always..."_

_Don't say – you can't say – _Rachel shivered under his gaze. _Noah..._

He smiled at the stricken look on her face. _I mean it, Rachel._

_"Baby, I know wherever you go  
__I'll always be with you  
__I'll always be with you_

_Whatever may come, wherever we go  
__I'll always be with you  
__I'll always be with you..."_

Rachel caught her breath, fighting her tears. _That's what came out of last night?_

Noah brushed the corner of her eye. _Don't cry, Rach. _"You're the one who wanted a song," he teased. _And I'll do whatever you ask me to._

"I wanted _you," _she burst out. _So badly..._"I wanted you to love me, I wanted _so much_ for you to see me." She pulled her hand away, wrapping her arms around herself. _And you wouldn't. You couldn't..._"It was a physical _pain,_ Noah, and it didn't get any better. It only got worse, and I left. I _had _to." _And even then it felt like I couldn't breathe..._

"I know you did," he murmured. _No holds barred._ "It took me a while but it clicked. I said I didn't want to fuck you up and it was all I could do. I couldn't stay away, I just – " He tipped her head up to look into her eyes. _I'm gonna keep saying this until you know in your bones that it's true. _"I mean it when I tell you I love you, Rachel, and I have for years. I fucked it all up because I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I deserved it, or _you_. But that doesn't change that I have been in love with you for most of my life." He let out a small laugh. "Shit, that feels good to say."

Rachel sucked in a breath and squeezed her eyes shut. "I love you," she whispered. _He's right, it _does_ feel good. _She pressed a hand to her heart, lifting her eyelids to find him gazing at her intently.

_This can't be fucking real. _Noah exhaled shakily. "Say that again." _Fuck that, say it _forever. He gave a half-smile. "I know you said it before, but –"

"I love you," she said softly. _But there's so much more to it than that. _"You broke my heart, Noah."

"I'll spend as long as you'll let me making it up to you." He took a deep breath. _I will, I swear. _"I know I hurt you, Rachel, and I'm sorry. But I didn't know how to be with you, not the fuck-up I was back then." _Ma would die to hear me say this next bit. _"You're the kind of girl to marry, not the one you screw around with. And I wasn't anywhere near the marrying kind. Or even the _decent_ kind."

"Yes, you were," she protested. _Damn it, I didn't want to cry. _"Why do you think it hurt so much?" _You always were, to me. _She waved a hand at him. "This, all of what you think you've become – this is what I saw, Noah. I saw this in you the whole time."

_Yeah, that makes _one _of us. _"I never claimed to be the brains here, Rach." He quirked a brow, catching and kissing her hand. "I didn't see it – I _couldn't._ You were so far out of my league you were a different _game,_ and when you – when you said –"

"The _first_ time I told you I loved you," Rachel said tightly. _If you want me to say it again, at the very least we need to talk about that first time..._

"The first time you told me you love me," Noah acknowledged. _The least I can do is say it out loud, she's right. _"I couldn't accept it, and I didn't want to hold you back."

She scoffed. "Well, you certainly succeeded in _that_ regard, Noah." She tucked her arms around her knees again. "I got as far away as I could." _Right. To New York City. _She bit her lip. _Where you always wanted to be anyway, and where you had a golden opportunity._

_I know. _"I climbed in your window." _Again. _He reached back for his wallet, flipping it open. _I didn't think about why, but I didn't want to believe you were gone for good. _"I took this. I hope you don't mind." He pulled the well-worn photograph from the billfold and held it out. _I couldn't leave it behind._

She frowned, taking it warily. _Oh, Noah..._Swallowing hard, she looked up into his eyes and handed it back. _So that's how he was able to make that photo._

Noah replaced the picture and took a deep breath. _Cards on the table. _"Rachel. I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I have waited so long to be with you. I know that's my fault." _I really do. _He paused for a beat. "I'd wait as long as you needed if you just tell me there's something to wait for." He took her hand, twining their fingers. "So?"

"I –" _Yes, just say yes. _Rachel's gaze flitted from their joined hands to his eyes, then his mouth, and back again. _From 'I won't listen to you' to 'get back in my bed,' Rachel? _"It's – I don't – I can't –" _Can this really work? Am I _ready _for this to work?_

"What?" _Don't tell me you're changing your mind? _His brows furrowed as he considered her. "I know this is fast but – " _Oh. Fuck. _He blew out a breath and released her. "This is fast, that's what it is, isn't it?"

Rachel bit her lip, nodding. _This is fast, and unexpected. _"There are so many things going through my head right now, and I just – I don't know." _Maybe not really unexpected, but definitely crazy, and amazing…_She shook her head. "I still have questions. Like that song, _all _of them, even...Why did it take so long for you to see, Noah? What changed?"

_Besides the fact that I was an asshole who needed to get slapped around by my own stupidity? _Noah shrugged, shaking his head. _What really made me think about it? _"You left. I think that was the catalyst. You left, and I didn't get to..." _How do I describe it? _He rubbed a hand over his scalp. "I didn't get away with believing in me by believing in _you_, if that makes any sense."

_So you believed in my assessment of you more than you thought, but not enough to give us a try? _She pursed her lips. "I suppose. But what does that have to do with you having insight?"

"Well, I had to sink or swim on my own, 'cause I didn't have you to keep me in line and call me on crap. That meant cutting the bullshit and figuring out where and who I actually was." He snorted a laugh. _The 'where' part was easy - in a nightmare I made for myself. _"Call it a cliff's notes version of what your father told me to do. I had to look at my life and myself, and decide what I wanted in it and what I _didn't_ want in it. Then Mr. Schue heard that song..." _About you, of course. _He blew out a breath. "The way he and everyone else reacted...it was so clear that you were right and I was an asshole. I had people believing in me besides you, and it helped me see what you did."

She looked away. _Please don't tell me you're still looking for validation..._"I'm not your portable pep talk, Noah. You need to believe in yourself _by_ yourself." _Take it from me._

"No shit." Noah tugged at her hair lightly to lift her gaze. _But thanks. _"And I _do_. It just..." He blew out a breath. "It was easy to just write off what you said and just think you saw all that good stuff in me because you were in love with me. Fuck, Rach, you were the only one in my entire life who did, you know? But everyone _else_ having faith in me and like, taking it for granted that I could make it..." He shook his head. _That's what I get for putting up a fucking front my whole life. _"I figured out _I _was the one not seeing straight, and that the people telling me otherwise were no good. I ditched Q, and stopped buying the bullshit from her. She wanted Finn, not me, and I let it fuck with my head. I wasn't the Lima loser she said anymore, and even if I _was_ when we were in high school, I realized I could be more than that." _Like you said. Like you saw. _He swallowed hard. "I took a good look at myself and realized what a mess I made with you. The guy you saw _was _the guy in the mirror, I was just too busy buying what everyone who didn't know me like you did said about me to believe it. I _was_ a Lima loser before you, Rachel, even my _mom_ thought so back then. Of course I was gonna believe I was worthless." _It was you against the world and I just wasn't strong enough to do it._ He ran a hand over his head. "But once I figured out that it didn't have to be that way, that I _could_ _be _that guy you saw...you weren't there. And the shittiest part of it was it was all my fault I didn't have you anymore."

"You never had me to begin with," Rachel muttered. "Not really." _Friends with benefits, no strings, remember?_

_Maybe that's what I said, but really? _He raised a brow. "I do love you, Rach, you're fucking amazing, but let's review, huh?" He ticked off items on his fingers. "My sweatshirt. I drove you home every day and to school sometimes. We were around each other, a _lot_. You don't think anyone guessed anything?" _And I wish I recognized back then that I wasn't trying to hide it._

Rachel flushed. _I suppose I never actually thought about it..._"Regardless if they did or didn't, Noah, the point is you had no claim to me then. You had no interest in one." _You never even tried, and you ran at the first sign that there could be one._

_No interest? _Noah scoffed. _That one I can prove is a lie. _"That's where you're wrong, Rach. Because when you – " He cleared his throat, lowering his voice. "When you told me you loved me that night, what did I do, huh? I didn't run, not right when you said it. You said you loved me and I just –" _Damn it, Rach, I'm gonna regret not taking you home. _He moved his mouth to her ear. "You said you loved me and I just wanted to have you so fucking badly, I could barely keep myself from pounding you through the bed. I wanted you to scream my name over and over again and not sound like your heart was breaking." _I want that right fucking now._

_I – how could I forget the way you – _She shuddered. _I want that again, so badly..._"N-Noah -"

He broke away, chest heaving. _Get a grip, Puckerman. A _real _one. _"But then I _did _stop, and I thought about it, and I realized I was no fucking good for you." He held up a hand and continued. _I know you, Rach._ "And I know you want to argue with that, and I love you even _more_ for it, but it was the truth. I had no direction, no faith, no nothing. I was just trying to survive the end of high school. You had the world in the palm of your hand." _You may not have seen it, but you really did._ "Who the fuck was I to mess with that?"

"Who are you to assume that you would have been?" _Damn it, Noah. _Rachel glared. "You still think so little of yourself."

"And you do too. That's why we fit so fucking perfectly." _We always have. _He kissed her fast and hard. "I see the best of you, Rach, just like you do with me. I see you hurting, too. I'm sorry I'm part of that pain and I won't hurt you now. I would rather hurt myself by letting you go than do that."

_I do believe you'd try, but..._"Easier said than done, Noah." She shook her head. _Which is why I need to be sure we're clear with each other. _"And now that I'm thinking about it, you're still in my class. This is – we can't." _Not yet, anyway..._

He blew out a breath. _Fucking reality setting in. _"I should've known it wasn't going to be that easy," he chuckled. "Finish your water, and I'll take you home." _This is still further than I dreamed I'd get._

Rachel licked her lips and leaned back, closing her eyes. _You can take me further than that. _She started._ Is that genuinely where I'm at? _She caught her lip between her teeth and stared at his back. _It _is_ more than words. He's here, laying it all out for me just because I asked him to..._

_Now here's a moment I wish I were still Puck. Shit. _Noah rubbed his forehead. _Being a gentleman fucking sucks sometimes._ He glanced back and saw her watching him. "Rachel –"

She held out her hand. _There are still things to be addressed, but I don't know if I care enough to let them stop me..._

He took it and let her pull herself up. _Feels like I'm playing with fire here. _"Better?"

Rachel nodded. "Much, actually. Entirely sober, I'd say." _Adrenaline and desire definitely help the cause..._She met his eyes, her gaze growing hotter as they held.

_Fuck, Rach, you can't look at me like that. _Noah bit back the groan. _"Don't _say that, Rachel. Not unless you are. It's taking all my willpower to take you home."

"No, it's not," she said quietly, looking at him directly. _I think I know you better than that..._"You want me, but you don't want this to be a mistake in the morning." _And it makes me fall even further..._

"I don't want this to be a mistake _ever," _he corrected. _Never fucking again. _"I've already made my mistake, but I don't know what I'd do if _you_ thought you made one." _This is too important. _He gave a smirk. "I mean, isn't four years enough wasted time?"

Rachel scoffed. "It's not _wasted_, either. You've grown up." She held her breath for a heartbeat. _You really have. _She shook herself and continued. "You know you have." _And so have I. Just like Daddy said..._

Noah chuckled. _Leave it to you to defend me from me. _"Okay, maybe not four years of waste. Three. But whatever, I don't want to miss any more time with you, Rach, and that means no matter how fucking tempting you are, I'm not crossing any lines tonight." _Unless of course you drag me over..._

"That sounds like a challenge," she murmured. _Rachel! _She fought the flush. _My fickle subconscious..._"I – Noah, I'm –" _I only ever become this much of a tease with you, I swear..._

_Oh, fuck yeah. _Noah squeezed her hand and shook his head. "Don't you dare apologize for that. Maybe you're not as sober as you think, but I fucking love it." _Let's knock those walls down one by one._

Rachel exhaled heavily. "I should know that wouldn't change." _You always loved that secretly wicked side of me._

"What, that I get a kick out of you being a closet sex fiend?" He wagged his eyebrows. "Emphasis on closets." _And dressing rooms, the truck...I miss that truck..._

She rolled her eyes. _Like I could forget. _"Noah..."

He shrugged. _What? _"You can't blame me." He kissed her hand. "Subway?"

She took a deep breath. _Actually, all things considered..._"Walk." _This way, I can take some time to let all of this settle, and take a better look at us..._

Noah swallowed. _Wow. Don't think I expected that. _"Okay."

_Surprised you, didn't I? _Rachel glanced at him sidelong. "The tide seems to bring me back to you. I might as well hear what you have to say, don't you think?"

"I think you might need to pinch me." He smirked. _Fuck that. _"Or I'd settle for you biting my lip." _And as a bonus, I'll take that little whimper..._He shifted slightly to adjust his slacks.

She shivered and licked her lips. "I think I might be able to handle that under the right circumstances." _Rachel! You really are a tease tonight..._

He froze. _Please tell me these are the right circumstances..._"Rachel –"

She winced. "I know." _I'm killing myself too. _She closed her eyes. "You're in my class, I must remember that." _But does that matter more than this?_

"But you love me, and I love you." Noah squeezed her hand again. "Don't forget that either." _I'm gonna be out of your class as soon as I can..._

Rachel drew a deep breath. "I can't forget that." _Not even if I tried. Not anymore._

He raised a brow. _Deep breath, huh? _"Is the rest of that 'even if you wanted to'?"

"I – I thought that once upon a time," she admitted. _A million years ago, it seems. _"But now..." She shook her head. "I'm still not sure what happened tonight. I feel almost out of body. It all seems so fast, and slightly unreal." _But not unwelcome, and not unwanted..._

_That makes two of us. _Noah tugged her to a stop. _The question is if that's a bad thing. _"What's slightly unreal is that you actually kissed me, and told me you love me again." He chuckled. "Rachel, I swear you have no idea how much I wanted to hear that again." _Where's that countdown clock when I need it? _He shrugged. "And it's only fast because our chemistry is still as fucking amazing as it ever was, so I can't keep my hands off you when you kiss me like that." He gave a small smile. _And I love that you couldn't either._ "If you didn't taste like whiskey, I would've taken you right there in the dressing room, I want you so bad."

Rachel wobbled as her knees went weak. _I do too..._"Noah –"

He chuckled, catching her by the elbows. _Yeah, looks like I'm not the only one. _"Public street is another thing, Rach, even if you did fall at my feet."

She punched him in the arm. "Arrogant." _I may want you, but an arrest for indecent exposure, I can do without_.

Noah shook his head. "Teasing. If anyone's falling at anyone's feet, it'll be _me_ falling at _your_ feet." _And from there..._He waggled his eyebrows. "Lots of fun things, things I missed, if I fall like that while you're in this skirt."

Rachel flushed. _This is not making it easier to convince myself to take my time. _"This is still crazy."

He nodded. "That one I'll give you. Since I'm crazy about you." _And that's not changing anytime soon, so..._He crooked his arm. "Home, Ms. Berry?"

She put her arm through his. "If you please, Mr. Puckerman." _And we'll take it from there._

He snorted a laugh. "What I _please_ is a hell of a lot more than just leaving you at your door, but I'll take what I can get tonight." _We're already way ahead of anything I imagined anyway._

"Me." Rachel clapped a hand over her mouth. _Damn it, Rachel! Filter! _"Did you spike the water?" she laughed. "I swear I didn't think I had _that_ many drinks..."

He kissed the top of her head, containing a whimper of his own. _Please be asleep by the time we get back, Will and Dan..._"You had enough that I'm trying not to take that offer too seriously." He lifted a brow suggestively. "But there are definitely ways I _would_ take you up on it_._.." _So many other things we can do..._

_Ways that he could have me? _Rachel shivered. _Mmmm, if he means that..._She shook herself. _Rachel! _"Damn it, Noah, between you and my subconscious –"

Noah laughed. "If your subconscious is on my side, I'm fucking _golden."_ _Because that means you want this as much as I do._

_You are, but I need to trust myself a little bit more than I do at this moment. _"Alcohol and I have a love/hate relationship, I think," she said sourly. "Either I lose my filter, or my brain sees it as an _excuse_ to." _And in this case, allows me to access my inner seductress..._

Noah grinned. _In that case, there's only one thing I really wanna know. _"So which is this?" He nodded to her to turn at the corner.

Rachel licked her lips. "I, um...I'm not sure." _But I would tend to go with the latter..._

_Damn. I was hoping. _He shrugged. "Just curious."

She smirked. _I know what you're thinking..._"Curious if I was more expressing my true desires or that of the alcohol, I would surmise." _And trying not to take advantage, which I love._

He shrugged again. "Guilty as charged. Can you blame me?" _You're just too fucking tempting..._

Rachel looked at Noah's face, her gaze meeting his earnest one. "I – I can't." _I don't think I can blame either of us for anything. Not anymore._

Noah swallowed hard. _You _really_ have to stop looking at me like that, Rach. _"So, uh, what's your plan for the weekend?"

_You. _She moistened her lips. _Stop it! _"I didn't really have one. I was thinking about the beach. I heard you were going today?"

_Right, you bumped into the family. _He shook his head. "Nope. Ma and Sarah wanted to take in a Broadway show. They got the last two rush tickets to How to Succeed in Business."

_They did? _She frowned. _Oh, don't tell me..._"So, you didn't go? What did you do?"

_Would you think less of me if I said I don't give a shit right now? _"Uh, we did some touristy stuff after we got the tickets, went to dinner, and I dropped them off." Noah chuckled. "You should've seen them, getting dressed up."

Rachel smiled. "Really? I love that they did." _And I love you. _She blinked. _Say it once and now I can't get it out of my head..._"Is the beach off the agenda, then?" _I'm losing my mind._

"Eh, I don't know. Probably tomorrow." He raised a brow. "Wanna join us?" _I wouldn't mind seeing you in a bikini..._

She rolled her eyes. "Noah, you're still my student." _Whatever else may be going on._

_Not for long. _He gestured to her bag. "Do you have the web on your phone? Can I use your computer? We can take care of that _real_ fast."

"Noah!" She shook her head. _I should have anticipated that response. _"Professor Greene loves you, she'd be heartbroken."

"I don't give a fuck." He scoffed at her. "If it's a choice between her and you? You actually think she stands a chance?" _You sure you're sober?_

Rachel flushed. _If there were any doubt as to his intentions..._"I suppose not."

Noah shook his head. _I may want to write music, but I want you more. _"Yeah, you're definitely not firing on all cylinders there, brainiac. I'd give up the program _entirely_ if that's what it took."

"No!" Rachel stopped dead, glaring. _Don't be foolish. _"Not a chance, Noah, I would rather you give _me_ up than give up the program. You are too talented to throw it away for a woman, even one as enthralling as -"

_I love you, so fucking much._ He chuckled lightly."Rachel. You must chill. Okay? Take a breath. I was just saying that if you asked me to, I would."

She exhaled and pressed a hand to her forehead. _That's essentially a compliment. _"I'm sorry, Noah, I just – you can't quit the program." _Not after you've come this far._

He nodded. "And I don't intend to, unless it's for something I want more." _Which really would only be you. _He caught her eyes. "Rach, you're more important than any music program. I have a bachelor's degree already, I can do stuff without a program. I'd keep writing no matter what. I just want you to know where you stand."

"Since you did such a stellar job of that before," she muttered. _Rachel! _She clapped a hand over her mouth. _Well, at least my subconscious still has my interests at heart in the end._

He chuckled. _Definitely still got shit to work through. _"Yeah, exactly. Now throttle back – we're almost back to your place."

She looked up. _We are. Where did this night go? _"Thank you for walking me."

"No need to thank me." He kissed her temple. _I'd do more than that, but..._"I just wish we were clear enough to maybe finish what we started in the dressing room."

She blushed. _Me too. _"I'm sorry, Noah, I shouldn't have –"

_Uh-uh. _He tugged her arm until she looked up at him. _No need. _"Rachel. Don't apologize. I got to kiss you and touch you in ways I only dreamed about for years. I could walk on air right now. I could fucking defy gravity."

She shook her head. _We barely got anywhere and he feels like that..._"I just – it wasn't –"

"It was like an oasis in the desert for me." He spun her to face him as they reached her building. "I love you, Rach. If I don't get anything else out of tonight but hearing you tell me you love me – that's enough for me. That's more than I thought I would get." _Pretty much ever, if I'm being honest._

She searched his gaze. _He means it. I can turn him away here and he'd be content. _She bit her lip. _But would I?_

"Rach?" Noah frowned at the look in her eyes. _I know when the wheels are turning in there. _"What is it?"

"I – I want – but you're – and it's so –" Rachel let out a whimper of frustration. "I don't know what to _do_ with you, Noah. I haven't ever, I think. It never seems to –" She cut herself off. _I suppose I shouldn't say never when it comes to us. _"I just...I definitely didn't expect any of this. I was so certain that I knew what I wanted, but..." _Something changed..._

"You let yourself hear me tonight," he offered quietly. _Probably for the first time, if I had to guess. _"You let yourself hear me and you let yourself hear _you_." _And thank you, Rachel's subconscious, for being on my side..._"Booze may drop your filters going out, but it drops your filters going _in,_ too."

_The man has a point. _"I – I suppose that's true." She pursed her lips. "Though you are also quite adept at saying unexpected things at unexpected times to catch me off guard." _Like serenading me on stage at the behest of my employer..._

He chuckled. _Yeah, I guess that's true. _"Rach, to get your attention, I did whatever I could think of."

_I know. I see that now. _Rachel took a deep breath. "How tired are you right now?"

_Where are you going with this? _Noah shrugged. "I'm on an adrenaline high, I could stay up all night." _And I could stay awake too._

She narrowed her gaze at him. _Something in his eyes leads me to believe he's thinking something else._ _You're making a dangerous move, Rachel..._She licked her lips. "Would you come in for a bit? We could continue our conversation inside." _While I try to be certain I'm ready for this..._

_Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly. _He smiled."Sounds good, if you're sure." _But who's the fly and who's the spider?_

She rolled her eyes. "I don't know that I've been sure of _anything_ when it comes to you." _Except that I still want you._

He quirked a brow. "Nothing at all?"_ Not even that you love me? _"There's at least a _few_ things I was hoping you were sure of."

She gave a small laugh. "All right, _some _things. But what to _do _about them is another story." _One I'm hoping we might be able to start anew...maybe tonight?_

"That's fair." _Whatever you need for us to get back to the part where you said you love me, present tense. _He held the front door open for her.

_In for a penny, in for a pound after this..._Rachel hesitated for a heartbeat before crossing the threshold. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." _Wait a second. _Noah nodded towards the empty security desk. "Isn't 11 o'clock a little early to have no one on duty?"

She grinned. _Still protective when it comes to me. _"Someone's on duty twenty-four hours, Noah, but nature calls us all."

"Oh!" Noah shook his head, chuckling. _Jackass._ "Sorry, just looking out for you."

Rachel caressed his cheek. "I know." _And it's making the butterflies in my stomach flutter faster._

_Oh shit. _He swallowed hard. _Focus, you're gonna do this right. _"So, your dads are..."

"Home, but probably asleep." _I hope..._She sighed. _Can't change that now._ "And if they're not, they'll start throwing confetti when they see us walk in together."

"Better than rose petals and a rabbi," Noah teased. "That'd be Ma." _Though I might not object..._He nodded at the window seat in the entryway. "You sure you want to go up? We can sit and talk here." _It'll be a hell of a lot easier on my willpower._

Rachel raised a brow as she unlocked the inner door. _This close, and yet no farther? _"Worried about my fathers? They've been among your biggest champions."

He held the door open for her, grabbing her around the waist as she moved past him. _It's not that, at all. _"More worried about you keeping your hands to yourself so I can keep mine to myself."

Rachel shivered and lifted her head to look at him. "That's a chance we'll both have to take." _And it's a gamble I'm willing to lose..._

Noah kissed her hard before letting go with a laugh. _I'm willing if you are. _"Fuck, I missed you, Rach."

She licked her lips, turning away and walking to the elevators before turning back to him. "I missed you too, Noah. _This _Noah." _And now you're here with me..._

"I was here the whole time. I just didn't know it." _You did, though. _He gestured her into the elevator. "And by the time I realized, you were 532 miles away."

"I was," she acknowledged. _For a long time. _She stepped to the back of the car and rested her hands on the railing behind her, tipping her head back and closing her eyes as she exhaled. "And that's the part I need to discuss with you."

_Can I get you out of those clothes afterwards? _Noah swallowed hard as he watched her. "You look fucking phenomenal like that, Rach. Just to let you know. The things I would do to you." He shook his head. "Are there cameras on these?" He looked up into the corners. "Fuck, there are." _Good thing there weren't any in the dressing room._

Rachel opened her eyes, giggling. "Noah! Of course there are." _And probably a good thing in this case. _She tucked her hair behind her ear. "And thank you, again, for the compliments. You look extremely handsome yourself."

"Thank you." _To hear that from you with no hesitation already shows me how far we've come tonight. _He froze as he heard the ding of the elevator. "Our stop?"

She nodded as the doors opened. _Our. I like that too. _"This would be it, yes."

"Hold up then." He rubbed his mouth thoroughly and smoothed down his shirt. _Just in case they're _not_ asleep in there..._"Does it look like I was making out with you up against a wall?"

Rachel wobbled again as her knees went weak. "Noah!" _Are you trying to kill me?_

Noah caught her quickly, pulling her in tight. "Sorry! I didn't mean to have that effect on you." He smirked. _I see that look on your face, fine..._"Well, okay, I _did_, but I don't want you to _fall."_ He lifted a brow suggestively. "Unless it's for me, or into _bed_ with me, or –"

She swatted his arm. "I'm still trying to figure out when the world went mad, Noah. Let's take it one step at a time, shall we?" _And then I may feel so inclined to take you up on that._

_Fair. _"I can do that, but first, I want to repeat one step." He cupped the back of her head. "Stop me now if you want to." _I really hope you don't._

Her gaze flicked to his lips and up again while her eyes fluttered shut. _Why would I want to, again?_

_Rachel..._Noah lowered his head and kissed her softly.

_Who said we needed to talk? _Rachel whimpered and kissed him back.

_I shouldn't have brought her home. So fucking dangerous..._He buried his other hand in her hair. _Don't push this, Puckerman._

Rachel wound her arms around his neck, lifting to deepen the kiss. _All these years, all this time..._Her heart clenched even while she slipped her tongue into his mouth. _Noah..._

Noah groaned, licking at her mouth. _Fuck, Rach, you're gonna kill me right here. _His thumbs stroked over her cheeks. _What the – _He broke away for a breath to see tears on her cheeks. "Rachel –"

She shook her head and buried her face in his shirt. _I never stopped...I never stopped loving you..._

_Oh, fuck, too much too fast._ He kissed the top of her head. "Baby, no, no tears, come on." He rubbed her back. "You're all over the place tonight, Rach, and there's no hurry. There's no rush, I'm right here." He squeezed her tightly. "How about I get you to bed, you take a breather tomorrow, and we'll talk Monday? After Ma and Sarah are back in Lima?"

She shook her head again. _A breather? After all this time? _"No, just – just let me –"

He smoothed her hair, tucking her to his heart. "Whatever you need." _I could hold you all night and be perfectly happy to do it._

She looked up at him. _And _you_ never stopped loving _me_..._"I know," she said hoarsely. "Let's go in."

He swallowed hard. _I want to, so fucking badly, but..._"Are you sure? Seriously, Rach, this is – it's really more than I thought would happen tonight."

She blushed. _That makes two of us. _"I know, I didn't anticipate you either, but..." She took a deep breath. "I _want_ to talk to you, for both our sakes."

"Whatever you need, I'm here." _And I'll stay as long as you let me. _Noah kissed the top of her head again. "Ready for me to let go?"

_No._ Rachel nodded reluctantly. _But I should be, shouldn't I? _She swiped at her cheeks. "Let's go in."

"Rachel." Noah brushed the last drops of moisture from her skin. _No more tears. Not over me. _"We really don't. We don't have to do this right now. I'll go home, and you can take a breath, then regroup."

She pushed at his chest, unlocking the door when he let go. _I'm ready, and I want to do this. But I'm not forcing it either. _"I'm going inside. You can join me, or go home."

He raised a brow. _Well, shit. _"Okay, if you say so." He followed her into the apartment.

* * *

Will paused the movie he and Dan were watching. "Is that Rachel?"

Dan lifted his head from Will's chest. "Maybe? Want me to check?"

Will pursed his lips. "She'll find us if she needs us, right?"

Dan chuckled. "Yes, if she's sober enough." He kissed Will's chest and pushed himself up. "I can go check on her, I'll be right back."

* * *

Rachel flipped on the light in the living room, walking into the kitchen. "Would you like some chocolate covered strawberries? We have extra." _And it'll give us both something to do with our hands..._

_I'd rather feed it to you and eat the bits of chocolate that drop off directly from your naked body._ Noah took a seat at the counter._ Easy there, Puckerman. _"Sure, sounds good. And some water."

Rachel nodded. "Yes, water. I don't think we have to worry about my sobriety, though." _Though it's sweet of you to._

_Sounds good to me. _"Not really worried about you being drunk, more about you being clear-headed." He shrugged. "Plus, I'm thirsty, and I don't want you getting dehydrated after all the drinks you _did _have."

She giggled. _"Yes,_ Noah, all right." _Worrywart. _She shook her head. "It's so odd to realize you're the responsible one tonight."

He laughed. _You're not the first one to say so. _"Yeah, well, somebody's gotta be when you're all –"

"Rachel? Is that you?" Dan stuck his head into the hallway.

_Oh, here we go..._"Yes, Dad, it's me." Rachel quickly left the kitchen to intercept him in the hallway. "I'm here, I'm fine, you can go ahead to bed."

Dan frowned, looking over Rachel's shoulder. "Is Lori here?" He moved to sidestep her. "I thought I heard someone."

_I should have known my luck would run this way. _She took a deep breath. "I – I'm –"

Noah stepped out of the kitchen into the hallway. _Not letting her face this one alone. _"Hi, Dan, I'm sorry to disturb you, but Rachel and I were just catching up."

"You were – you were just –" Dan looked from Rachel to Noah and back again. "Oh. Okay." The corners of his mouth lifted into the barest of smiles.

Rachel rolled her eyes. _You are so transparent. _"Go tell Daddy, but just let us be, if that's all right?"

Dan held his hands up. "I wouldn't _dream _of bothering you two. Just..." He kissed his daughter's cheek. "Condoms in the bathroom, sweetheart," he whispered in her ear.

"Dad!" Rachel blushed deep red. _Not while you're awake down the hall! _"Thank you, so very much, for that unnecessary information. If you could please let us –"

"Have at it," Dan encouraged. He held out a hand to Noah. "Good to see you again, Noah, and have a good night." He narrowed his eyes at the younger man. "Be _safe."_

Noah's brow furrowed for a moment as he shook Dan's hand. _Be safe? Where am I going? _He looked at Rachel, still flushed. _Oh, shit. _"Yes, sir, _absolutely_ safe, I wouldn't dream of doing anything to risk any of Rachel's plans, especially not now. I just got her to _talk _to me, let alone -"

"We are not having sex!" _Rachel! _She buried her face in her hands. _Oh, dear sweet Streisand..._

Dan chuckled. "All right, my job here is done. Rachel is hoping for the floor to open up and swallow her whole." He yawned. "I'm going back to cuddling." He opened his arms to his daughter. "Give me a hug, honey."

_You want a hug after _that? Rachel glared as she complied. _"Thanks,_ Dad."

He kissed her head. "You're welcome, sweetheart. And if you change your mind about the no sex thing –"

"Dad!" Rachel pulled out of his arms. _I don't want to talk about this with you. Especially not in front of Noah! _"Good night."

"Good night, pumpkin. Good night, Noah, and I hope to see you soon." Dan winked.

_You don't even know what's going on! _Rachel snorted, lifting a brow. "See? I told you. I was getting that for years."

Dan made an insulted noise. "Hey! If you recall, I needed more convincing than Daddy."

Rachel sighed. _Maybe two or three years ago. _"I suppose."

"Good night, guys." Dan blew his daughter a kiss and retreated.

Rachel rolled her eyes. _I'm in for it now..._"Should we just wait here for Daddy?"

Noah shrugged. _I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. _"I think Will knows to leave us alone. You said something about strawberries?" _Besides, not like we're doing anything anyway, apparently..._

* * *

Dan closed the door behind him, leaning against it. "William! It _is _Rachel, but not just Rachel!"

Will frowned briefly, a smile breaking as realization dawned. "Noah?"

Dan nodded, squealing quietly and climbing back into bed. "Yes! I reminded her where the condoms are and left her to be mortified."

Will glared at his husband. "Daniel! That's cruel."

Dan shook his head. "No, it's not cruel, it's practical. Plus, she looks so pretty when she blushes."

Will laughed and kissed him.

* * *

Rachel put the platter on the counter, sitting across from Noah. "As promised, strawberries."

Noah grinned. "Thanks. Sarah was raving about them all day. Got me jealous." He plucked a chocolate covered fruit for himself.

"So then you decided to come by and see if I had any at work?" She raised a brow, turning to grab their water glasses. _You're lucky that turned out well._

"You know, you could've just answered that text," he teased, taking a bite. _Not like I was really checking or hoping you would..._

She sniffed, grabbing one for herself and using it to point at him. _"You _could've answered a text, too." _And possibly changed the course of our entire history._

He nodded, meeting her eyes. _That's a fair jab. _"Yeah, I could've. I thought of that, believe me. I just...I had no clue what to say."

Rachel frowned, twisting the strawberry stem in her hand. _If we're clearing the air..._"Why did you really come over that night, Noah? Why were you there?"

"Because I missed you," he admitted. "You weren't there and it didn't feel right." _I didn't want to celebrate with Quinn, I wanted to celebrate with _you. He shook his head. _"Nothing _felt right without you. Being with you was always the closest I felt to being myself. Even if I didn't get what that meant."

She shut her eyes for a beat. _If only you had. _"But if you were closest to yourself when you were with me, if you knew that, why couldn't you believe me?"

Noah put the strawberry back on the platter, splaying his hands on the counter. "I knew that I didn't have to impress you, and I didn't have to be any more badass than I was. I didn't get what that meant, though. I didn't think it was being _myself_. But I realized after you were gone that you were the only one who saw Noah, not just Puck." He exhaled, continuing quietly. "When you said you loved me, as good as it made me feel, it got me freaked too. It changed things for me. I wanted to be with you, but it was easier to think you told me to be with Q because you didn't _want_ to love me. And if I ended up losing something awesome, well, I was a fuck-up who deserved to anyway."

_But how could I have known? _Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. "That crushed me, Noah. I was dying knowing she would never love you like I did, but I couldn't hold _you_ back when you'd made it clear we weren't anything."

Noah shook his head. "I gave you the answers everyone expected Puck to give." _Including me._ He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. _But it all felt wrong. _"That's when I started writing the songs. I realized that _you_ were seeing Noah when everyone else – including me - was just seeing Puck. I didn't know how to reach you, so..." He shrugged. "It felt like I could say what I needed that way. It helped me figure things out." _And it helped me feel closer to you, since you were the one who saw the potential in me._

Rachel gave a short laugh. _Didn't know or didn't try?_ "You knew how to reach me, Noah. My number never changed. It _never changed." _She raised a brow. "And you never responded to that message." _Not ever._

_But I – oh, shit. She has no way of knowing..._"That's not _entirely _true," he countered. "I, um...before I climbed in your window..." _Just spit it out, idiot, it's important. _He blew out a breath. "I called. You must've already been on the plane or your phone was off, 'cause I got your voicemail. And I just...I didn't have the balls to leave a message." _I really wish I had. _He sighed. "I still didn't get it though, Rach. Not until you were way gone."

"I was gone," Rachel affirmed. _I was here, learning to stand on my own two feet. _"But...I think I _needed_ to be gone. I know I needed to not be around you." _Not like that, not where it was breaking my heart._

"I know. And I'm sorry." _I don't know if I'll ever stop being sorry for it. _He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. "But in a weirdass way, I think it might've been the best thing to happen to me, too. Without you, I had to grow the fuck up and figure out my shit on my own."

She rubbed her forehead. _What a pair..._"I had to leave so you could figure out what I already knew." _And to find myself, too..._

"Hey, again. Never said I was the brains here." _But I got it now. _He kissed her hand. "That's all you. I'm just the muscle."

Rachel shook her head. _Don't you underestimate yourself, Noah. _"No, you're really not." She took a bite of her strawberry.

"Okay, the muscles and the musician. You're the muse." Noah finished his own strawberry with a smile. _Works for me._

She slipped her hand away to take a drink of water. _This still feels surreal, but I have absolutely no regrets. _"Did you still want me to hear that song of yours?" _I think maybe it needed to happen like this. _She finished her strawberry, licking chocolate from her fingers.

_Allow me, please..._Noah watched her tongue trace over her skin. "I – I, uh..." _Focus, Puckerman. _He shook his head. "It's really your call."

She caught her lower lip between her teeth. _Knowing that these songs are how you work through your emotions..._"I'm going to say yes, and hopefully not live to regret it."

He stood, holding out his hand. _That makes two of us hoping. _"I'm hoping you don't. I'm hoping you don't regret a minute of tonight." He smirked. "Well, I'm good if you want to regret the parts where you didn't have your tongue down my throat."

She blushed, placing her hand in his. _This is your move. _"Last door, end of the hall."

_Fuck, yes. _He stood, his smirk turning to a smile. "After you, please."

Rachel stumbled slightly as she led the way. _No turning back from this, Rachel. You know that._

Noah caught her lightly about the waist. _Whoa – thought she was all good? _"Hey. You okay?"

She paused, closing her eyes as his arms closed in. _Last chance to change your mind..._

"Rachel?" He held her in place. _I'll bail if you need me to, you know that._

She nodded, inhaling deeply. "I'm okay." _With everything. _She opened her eyes and looked up at him. "I'm okay." _I really am. For the first time in...forever, I think..._

_Oh, thank fuck. _He kissed her forehead. "I'm so in love with you, you know that? Stupid with it." He let her go with another kiss.

She closed her eyes again, taking a long breath. _I think I know the feeling. _She opened the door, flicking on the light. "Have a seat, wherever you're comfortable."

Noah glanced around her bedroom, modern black and white décor replacing the pastel wonderland he remembered. _Guess we really have grown up. _"Looks good in here."

Rachel glanced over her shoulder on her way to the closet. _A far cry from my bedroom in Lima. _"Thank you. I decided my style could use a little change." _All part and parcel with growing up. _She hefted a box from the back and crossed back to him, setting the box in his lap. "How's your ear?"

_How's my – _He opened the box to find an acoustic guitar. "What the hell? When did you get this?"

She sat on the bed, tucking her hair behind her ear. _In a moment of weakness when I saw it in a window and thought my heart would break. _"I, um, I dabbled in it. Senior year. I could kind of get the chords and such but..." She raised her hands, wiggling her fingers. "Stubby fingers, the whole stretching thing."

"You have cute hands," he corrected, lifting the instrument out of the box. _Not to mention talented ones..._He plucked lightly at the strings. "Still pretty well in tune."

_Really? _She blew out a breath. "Well. That's points for me, then."

_Points for you? _He raised a brow, strumming. "What do you mean?"

She shrugged. "I take it out and tune it every so often." _When I'm thinking of you and willing to let myself indulge in the feeling._

He frowned for a beat before exhaling. _I'm guessing I don't wanna know. _"So, my song?"

Rachel reached next to her, picking up the portfolio. _If we're clearing the way back to each other..._"Your _songs. _Plural." She took a deep breath. _If this is what was in your head all this time..._"I want to hear them. _All _of them. All the ones I haven't gotten to." She held it out to him.

_She's serious. _Noah swallowed hard, taking the book from her. "Rach, I could just pick the –"

She shook her head. "All of them." _I want to hear them, and I want to hear them from you. _She shrugged. "Well, all of them that I haven't heard, and the ones you just told me about."

_I did say anything she needed..._He took a deep breath. "You were at Wanderful?"

She nodded. "I haven't picked it up today." _And last night was more than enough._

Noah grimaced. _Yeah, I wouldn't have either. _"I'm sorry I freaked you out, Rach. I didn't even think about it."

"I know." Rachel pursed her lips. "Your voice on the phone - the way it changed. I could tell as soon as you realized what I had looked at." _And I know you didn't mean it. _She sighed. "I tried to go to sleep, I told myself you couldn't have meant anything serious by it. But I couldn't let it go."

"And I couldn't let _you_ go." He strummed softly. _Still won't. _"I kept telling myself I had to, that you were gone."

_Actually, that's another question..._She raised a brow. "When did you realize that I was in New York?"

_You may not want to know. _He cleared his throat. "You, uh..." He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "You pocket dialed me while you were kissing someone. I heard people singing New York, New York in the background."

"I did not!" Rachel pressed a hand to her chest. _But New York, New York..._"Oh, Noah, tell me I didn't."

He swallowed hard. _Believe me, I wish. _"Something about it being his privilege?"

"Oh, Noah." Rachel covered her mouth, shaking her head. _Maybe the universe wasn't so completely against me. _"I'm so sorry."

_You're sorry for _me _having _my _feelings hurt? _He shrugged. "Why? I deserved the sting. I was the one who pushed you there anyway. I couldn't get it together and you moved on. You deserved to."

"Noah..." She leaned her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. "I'm still sorry. I never would have made you a party to that on purpose." _I may have been hurting, but I never would have set out to hurt you._

_I don't fucking deserve you. _He kissed her head, resting his cheek to her hair. "I know. It's okay, Rach. Seriously." He tossed the book down next to them. "Wanna be my music stand?"

She glared at him. _A music stand? Drab and inanimate?_ "No. But I'll tell you what the next song is if you ask nicely."

He gave her a mock pout. "Can you please tell me what the next song is?" _Since the sooner we get this out of the way, the sooner we can move on..._

"That's better." Rachel retrieved the book, opening and turning past Wanderful. "Ha. We can skip the next one." _Most assuredly so. _She tilted it so he could see the page. "Your Ex-Lover is Dead. I think I know that one."

He chuckled. _Ah, the audition..._"Yeah, I think you do. We can skip past it, then."

_Hmm..._She paused. _If this is how he processed things, and the chorus is 'nothing to save'..._ "What made you write that one? Was that part of you trying to move on?"

He nodded. _Back when I thought I could. _"You have to realize that portfolio is..." He shrugged. "It's years old by now. This was all that I wrote when I was first trying to figure our shit out."

_Well, that would make sense then. _She quirked a brow. "What would you have done for your audition if I wasn't there, or if I wasn't willing to sight read?"

He shrugged. "A different song. I had a couple from my audition at NYU that didn't need a female. I just happen to like what I write for you better than what I write for me a lot of times." He grinned. "My muse." _Always._

She blushed. _And the entire world knows. _"It's still odd to know I was in your head all the time."

"You never left, Rachel." He sought and held her eyes. "You never left my head or my heart." _I don't think you ever could._

She caught her breath as he gazed at her. _I believe you. _"You were never far from my thoughts either." She looked down for a moment before looking back at him. _Truth? _"Or my heart."

Noah inhaled deeply. "That just about makes my life." _Now to just brush away the last of the dirt. _"Portfolio. What's next?"

Rachel cleared her throat and flipped the page. "I don't know if I know this one. Thousand Mile Wish?" _Though really we were only half that far..._

"If you haven't read that far? No." He gave her a half smile. "I didn't send it or play it anywhere else." _Not my best work, but still worth it for you to hear. _He started strumming chords on the guitar.

_"Forgive me if now I wear the face of worry  
__This time alone could never cause any doubt  
__But I've been cold too long..."_

Rachel sat back, watching his expression as he played. _Just look at you, Noah, look at what you're capable of. Such beautiful music..._

Noah poured his heart into his performance, glancing at her as he sang. _If my music doesn't say everything you need to hear, I don't know what else to do._

_"I'm torn as I tell...  
__You're the story that I know, and fell from -  
__I'm so far into your story, I don't know why  
__We think we're in control  
__When we lie between the lines..."_

He let the guitar and his voice go soft as he continued.

_"We'll find a line to follow -  
__It's got to show real soon...  
__Or we'll never reach this high..."_

Rachel pressed her lips together. _There's no way he knows about that song. Just a coincidence that we're both looking between the lines for each other..._

_"We climb a little further  
__Cause there's nothing we can't get around together…"_

He played determinedly, his eyes piercing hers. _There isn't, Rachel, this is up to you. _He sang on, his heart in every word.

Rachel shivered as the last chord faded to silence. _Oh, Noah..._She cleared her throat. "That was beautiful," she managed.

"So are you." _And I wished for you every night. _He gave a small shrug. "What's next?"

_Next, I try to figure out why on Earth I said we weren't doing anything tonight. _She inhaled unsteadily and turned the page. "Presence and Power."

He chuckled. _If she's surprised she's my muse..._"You sure you want me to sing the whole songs? I can really just pull out excerpts."

She raised a brow. "Why, should I not hear them in their entirety? Am I going to be angry at you?" _This _was_ his processing, I can't be _too _angry..._

_Angry? Doubt it. _He shrugged. "I'm not saying that, I just mean I don't need to like, _torture_ you with how much I missed you."

She frowned. _Torture me?_ "Are they that bad, Noah?"

_Not bad, just..._He opened his mouth to answer and shook his head instead. "I'll just play the next one, and you can tell me if you want me to keep doing the whole piece." He tuned quickly and started to strum and sing.

_"I could be far across the sea  
__Or by myself on the moon, oh  
__But I know on the radio,  
__that the song will remind me of you."_

Rachel blushed as he sang. _I really did have a hold on him, didn't I?_

Noah grinned as she flushed. _Every song does. _He blew her a quick kiss and continued.

_"Pleasure and pain, just like everything,  
__eventually has to end...  
__But all it takes is a melody  
__and I'm suddenly with you again."_

_And he kept writing. All the time we were apart, what we had was alive for us both..._She blew out a breath as the song ended. "I do believe I understand what you meant, Noah." _Every line, almost every word..._

He smiled. "I wasn't joking, Rach. I was dead serious. For years. It's only been you." _And actually, if I remember right..._"Flip the page."

She turned the page with some trepidation. _'Come Home'...Oh, Noah..._

Noah peered over her shoulder, nodding. _Yup. I was right. _"This one I want to do the whole song. Just follow along. I'll need you on..." He skimmed the score. "On the next page, I think." He grinned and started to play.

_"Hello world,  
__Hope you're listening -  
__Forgive me if I'm young,  
__For speaking out of turn.  
__There's someone I've been missing -  
__I think that they could be  
__The better half of me."_

He lifted an eyebrow suggestively, smiling as she bit her lip. _You're finally seeing all I've been trying to show you..._

_"They're in the wrong place trying to make it right,  
__But I'm tired of justifying  
__So I say to you -_

_Come home,  
__Come home  
__Cause I've been waiting for you  
__For so long,  
__For so long..."_

_But I'd wait if you needed me too, Rach..._He licked his lips and continued.

_"And right now there's a war between the vanities,  
__But all I see is you and me,  
__And the fight for you is all I've ever known...  
__So come home...  
__Oh..."_

_Let's see if I can manage this. _Rachel took a deep breath past the lump in her throat, singing softly.

_"I get lost in the beauty  
__Of everything I see -  
__The world ain't as half as bad  
__As they paint it to be._

_If all the sons,  
__all the daughters  
__would stop to take it in  
__Well then hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin..."_

_I think I might be ready for that._ She smiled at him as she continued.

_"It might start now...Yeah -  
__Well, maybe I'm just dreaming out loud...  
__And until then -_

_Come home  
__Come home  
__Cause I've been waiting for you  
__For so long  
__For so long..."_

Noah grinned as he saw the emotion in her eyes. _Come back to me, baby. _He nodded to her as she made her way through the chorus.

_"And right now there's a war between the vanities  
__But all I see is you and me  
__The fight for you is all I've ever known  
__Ever known  
__So come home  
__Oh..."_

Noah turned to face her directly as they moved to the interlude. _This is everything, Rachel. Everything..._

_Oh, Noah..._Rachel met his gaze steadily. _I love you._ She glanced down quickly at his nod, fighting back her tears as he started the verse.

_"Everything I can't be  
__Is everything you should be  
__And that's why I need you here..."_

_I do, Rach, I need you, I want you, I love you..._His gaze was unwavering as they sang. _I love you._

_"So hear this now -  
__Come home,  
__Come home...  
__Cause I've been waiting for you  
__For so long,  
__For so long..."_

_Oh, Noah..._Rachel swallowed hard._ This is...this is what love can be like..._

_"And right now there's a war between the vanities,  
__But all I see is you and me  
__The fight for you is all I've ever known...  
__Ever known...  
__So come home  
__Come home..."_

_I have...I've been waiting for you..._Rachel's voice cracked as she held her last note, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Noah..."

_Oh, shit, no..._He set the guitar to the side, wrapping his arms around her. _Don't... _"Rach...oh, Rachel, don't cry." He rocked her slowly, pressing his forehead to hers. _Anything, but just..._"Don't cry. I love you." He kissed her softly. _All the bad stuff is over now. _"I love you so much."

"I love you too," she whispered. _I do. With all my heart..._She shuddered, drying her cheeks. _And this is how he felt about us years ago? _She cleared her throat. "So if that was then, what does now sound like?" Her voice was raspy and low as she spoke.

_Like all the blood is rushing down to my cock thinking about you moaning in my ear._ Noah cleared his throat. "I, uh, I..." _Fuck, Puckerman._ He shifted back, exhaling shakily. _Actually, _not_ fuck, not at all. _"Shit, give me a second." _Got to relax myself. _He stood. "Are those flowers still in the living room?"

_The flowers? _Rachel nodded. "They are, but what does that matter?" _Did you hide something in there?_

He smiled. _Perfect. Just like you. _"Trust me."

_Trust you? After...after all of this? _She licked her lips and looked into his eyes. "I..I do."

His smile broadened to a full-fledged grin. _Fuck that feels good. _"I love that. Gotta be one of the best things I've heard all day." _After all we've been through, finally..._He blew out a breath. "Be right back." _Now to not fuck it up by jumping her right now. _He shoved his hands in his pockets and left the room.

Rachel sagged onto the bed. _I do. I trust him, and I love him, and I basically asked him to serenade me. _She bit her lip, opening the bedside drawer to peek inside.

_Your turn to throttle back, Puckerman. _Noah's smile didn't fade as he approached the table. _Hey. She put them in a different vase. To show them better. _He flicked a petal. _This one looks like it might go anyway._ He pulled a flower from the glass, snagging a paper towel from the kitchen to dry it off.

_The door! _Rachel shut the drawer quickly. _I have what I needed from that foray in any case..._

_What the fuck was that? _A quick frown crossed his face as Noah caught the look of panic fading from Rachel's features."Rach? You okay?" _Should I not have left the room? Shit..._

She nodded, smiling tightly. _He didn't see that. He couldn't have. _"Yes, I'm fine, thank you." _And prepared. Just in case._

_I hope you're sure about that..._He shrugged, approaching the bed again. _If I really want a gauge..._He handed her the flower in his hand."Did you, um...did you look them up? The daffodils?"

_That's a question? After the conversation we had last night? _Rachel giggled. "Virtually immediately after you all left. It's what made me call Lori back."

Noah chuckled. _That's Rach for you. _My_ Rach. _"Sorry?"

_No more apologies. _She shook her head. "Don't be. They were..." She smiled at him. "Noah, they were perfect." _And this is rapidly approaching perfect too..._

_You wanna talk about perfect? _He brushed his knuckles down the curve of her cheek. "So are you." _Perfect for me. _He cupped her chin, tilting her head up for a quick kiss. "I love being able to touch you and kiss you again." _Without feeling guilty or like I was hurting you somehow..._

She shivered. "I..." _What point is there in hiding now? _"I do, too. I missed it." She exhaled slowly. "I missed _you, _Noah."

_Maybe I should've sat on the chair..._He faced her. "I missed you too, Rach, every second I was in Lima and almost more when I got here." _And even now when I want to touch every inch of you..._He cleared his throat. "I swear to you I had no idea about NYU."

Rachel folded her hands in her lap. "I – I believe you, and I'm..." _If we're confessing our flaws and weakness..._She shook her head, smiling helplessly. "I'm actually grateful for that."

"You – you are?" Noah laughed. _Seriously?_ "I never thought I'd hear that."

She shrugged. "I never thought I'd _say_ it, but..." _Truth, the whole truth. _She shook her head. "I don't know how or when I would have had to listen to you the way I did in class."

_No shit. _He nodded. "Believe me, I know. When you were the TA, I knew that it was the good Lord giving me another shot with you." _And I'm not gonna fuck this one up._

She flushed, tucking her hair behind her ear. _He always acts like this is the higher plan..._"You _really_ believe…"_ the Universe wants us together?_

He scoffed. "Of _course_ I do. I asked you out after _dreaming_ about you." _After years of tormenting you. Wait. Shit. Isn't that what you do with your elementary school crush? _"You think I could get this lucky all on my own?"

_You call what we've been through luck? _Rachel scoffed. "I don't know if I'd call any of this _lucky,_ Noah."

Noah merely quirked a brow. _You don't think so? _"I get here after you work so hard to ignore me, for years, no matter how hard I tried, and walk into class to find you? And not just that, but a class where I'm expected to sing my own songs – the songs I'd been writing for, to and about you? Baby, if that's not luck, I don't know what is."

Rachel sniffled. _He loves me. He really loves me. _"Don't make me cry, damn it."

He shook his head. _Never. Never again._ "Only the good cry, Rach. Only the good kind from now on."

She nodded. _I believe you. _"So, that song?"

He grinned. "Whenever you're ready." _Considering you have no clue what you're in for..._

She took a deep breath. "Ready." _I think I am, finally, for everything..._

_So am I. Beyond ready to get all of this behind us. _Noah started picking out the opening and took a deep breath of his own.

"_And after the storm,  
__I run and run as the rains come  
__And I look up. I look up...  
__On my knees and out of luck,  
__I look up..."_

_Just breathe, Rachel. _She folded her hands in her lap and looked at him steadily.

_"Night has always pushed up day.  
__You must know life to see decay,  
__But I won't rot. I won't rot...  
__Not this mind and not this heart,  
__I won't rot."_

Noah shook his head for emphasis. _I kept fighting for you, Rach. And now our storm is over, I swear it is._ He met her gaze and sang the chorus.

_"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.  
__And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.  
__Get over your hill and see what you find there,  
__With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."_

Rachel struggled to swallow the lump in her throat as he sang._ This is where we are right now. This is that time..._

Noah's heart clenched as he caught the sheen of tears in her eyes. _Rach..._

_"And now I cling to what I knew  
__I saw exactly what was true  
__But oh no more.  
__That's why I hold,  
__That's why I hold with all I have.  
__That's why I hold."_

_You did hold, didn't you, Noah? _Rachel sniffled. _I thought you let go, I thought I let go..._

_"But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.  
__And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.  
__Get over your hill and see what you find there,  
__With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."_

_I think we're ready to dismiss those fears, Rach. _Noah repeated the chorus one final time, letting his fingers fall away from the guitar strings. _This is where we are. _He set it aside to reclaim the flower, tucking the daffodil behind her ear.

Rachel rubbed at her chest. _My heart just aches. For him, for me, for us..._"Noah..."

He took a shaky breath, reaching out to hug her tightly. _We're right there. I can taste it. _He leaned down to kiss her gently. _Just one more thing. _He cleared his throat. "Hang on just a sec, Rach. I –" _can't believe I'm gonna say this but..._"I really want to hear what you have to say, but if I can use the computer, I need to take care of something even more important." _I'm gonna do this right._

Rachel's eyes went wide. _Now? Right now? _"I – I don't mind, if you want –" _Is he - does he really intend to -_

"I want." _I want everything, right now, with nothing in the way. _Noah gazed intently at her. "I most _definitely _want."

_I do too..._She took a slow, deep breath and smiled. "Get out of my class, Puckerman."

"It'll be my pleasure," he replied. _You want this too. _He grinned. _You want to be free to be with me. _He squeezed her, kissing her hair. "And then maybe _you'll _be," he growled in her ear.

Rachel shivered. _I sincerely wish I hadn't said that to Dad now. I might be prepared, but I'd make myself a liar. _She looked back up at him again. _But does it really matter?_

"What?" _That's a serious face – I thought we got past that. _Noah raised a brow. "What are you thinking?"

_That a little white lie like we're not having sex tonight hurts no one but us. _She bit her lip against the snicker. _Rachel! At least _pretend _to care? _"Nothing important, and definitely nothing negative."

"So?" He quirked a brow. _If that's true, what's with the silence?_ "Then tell me."

_But you'll easily talk me into forgetting my word. _Rachel pursed her lips and shrugged. _And what does that tell you, hmm? _"How's this – I'll tell you after you successfully withdraw from the class?" _Let Fate decide. There might be computer issues, registration problems…_

"Okay..." _Mildly suspicious but not gonna kill the mood. _Noah released her and crossed the room to her laptop. "What do I get if I guess your password?"

_Ha, you think so?_ She rolled her eyes, putting the portfolio on the nightstand and following him to the desk. "You're not going to." She reached his side and folded her arms. "Go ahead and try. I am willing to wager that you will _not_ guess it." She gestured to the keyboard. "Three tries. Have at it." _I'd be floored._

He cracked his knuckles. _A challenge. _He hit the button and waited for the prompt. "You're awfully sure of yourself."

She sniffed. _So are you._ "Yes, I am." She nodded towards the screen. _But only one of us will be proven right. _"Go ahead. First attempt."

_I'm Rachel Berry. What's my password? _He chuckled.

**TONY**

He hit the return key with a grin. _I so have this._

**ACCESS DENIED.**

_Really? _He rubbed his chin. _If not Tony, then..._He shook his head. _I should never underestimate my girl. _"Got it this time." He typed with authority.

**OSCAR**

He pressed Enter with a smirk.

**ACCESS DENIED.**

_What the – _He frowned sidelong. "Shit, Rach. What could – " _Wait a sec. _He nodded slowly. "This has got to be it." _It's Rachel Berry, after all._

**BARBRA**

He hit the key again, blowing out a breath. _This has to be it. _"If this isn't it I'm –"

**ACCESS DENIED.**

_Well, shit. _Noah turned his frown to her directly.

Rachel merely raised a brow. "May I?" _I told you it's not what you think._

_Considering what I want to use the computer for? _He held up his hands and tilted to the side. "Please." _I have no fucking clue what else it would be, and this is more important than my pride._

She met his gaze with a sardonic twist to her lips. _You might regret it. _With one finger, she typed in the password.

**C-A-R-O-L-I-N-E**

_Are you kidding me? _He looked up at her face. _All this fucking time..._He turned back to the screen.

**ACCESS GRANTED.**

Noah shook his head. "You know, just for your information, I know I fucked up, and I'm still not 110% sure I deserve you." _Caroline. Of all fucking things, back to the very, very beginning. _"But I sure as shit _want_ to." _And I'll work my ass off to make it happen._

Rachel bit her lip, considering him. "I – I know." _I do. _She smiled softly. "Now that I'm looking for it, I can see it in everything you've done to get here." She swallowed. "And I love you more for it." She kissed his cheek, moving away from the desk.

He licked his lips, desire burning in his blood. _You will not fuck this up, Puckerman. The right way. _He opened the browser, tapping his fingers impatiently on the desk. "Come on, come on..." _I'm gonna do right by you if it kills me, Rach..._

Rachel stood by the window, gazing out into the night. _It's here. The moment. The point of no return._ She allowed herself a small, rueful smile, glancing over to the Phantom mask on her wall.

Noah sped through the prompts, muttering curses. _Fuck this authenticating who the fuck I am, I don't fucking care, just get me out of there. _He hit the last button, clicking Accept with a sound of triumph. "Done. Rachel. Come here, I'm done."

She turned to him, fighting a laugh. _Considering the slew of profanities has cut off?_ "I believe you, Noah, I don't have to –"

He shrugged and picked the laptop up. _"I_ need you to." _I need _you. He brought it over to her. "This is my schedule, Rachel. Professor Greene can suck it." _But I'd much rather you did..._

She laughed lightly. _Interesting choice of words. _"I'll let her know."

He shook his head, walking the computer back to its place. _"I'll _let her know. I'm leaving the class with the best thing ever." He turned back to her. _And now that that's all out of the way..._"Hi, Rach. It's Noah. I'm in New York City, and I fucking love you more than I can possibly tell you. I've got a portfolio of songs for you, but first, I need to know whether I can tear your clothes off. You busy?"

A bolt of desire rocketed through her, taking her breath. _Noah..._"I – I told my dad we weren't –"

_Nice try. _"He told you where the condoms were, didn't he." _Guessing from the blush..._He took a step closer to her. "I don't think he'd give a shit."

Rachel looked around the room, only the faint light from her desk and the glow of the room outlining his progress. _I should – I should care what I said, shouldn't I? _"I – he did but –"

Noah shook his head as he reached her, hands clamping around her waist. _He gave you permission to change your mind, I heard it. _"I won't tell if you don't."

She giggled breathlessly. _How on Earth would that go, anyway? _"Noah, I wouldn't but –"

_Good. _He claimed her mouth, his hands slipping under her shirt as his tongue slipped between her lips to swallow her gasp.

Rachel shuddered in his grip, her arms finding their way around his neck. _Kissing isn't sex..._

Noah groaned into the kiss, pulling her tighter into his body. _Rachel..._He tore his mouth away for a breath. "I don't give a shit if all I do is make you come all night long, that's not sex and I will be over the fucking moon to just taste you on my tongue."

_"Noah..." _Rachel jerked convulsively, wetness flooding her core. _Don't say such things, I can't..._She dug her nails into his shoulders. "I – I want you so much, I –"

He picked her up, walking her back to the bed and tossing her down. _Yes, fuck yes..._"I'm gonna take that as a yes." He flipped her skirt up, tugging her thong aside and plunging his tongue inside her.

_"Ah!" _Rachel clutched at the comforter, arching into his mouth as her eyes rolled back in her head. "N-_Noah..."_

He growled and nipped at her clit, sucking hard while she writhed. "I missed the taste of you," he rasped. "I never forgot it."

She moaned, undulating against him. "Noah, I'm losing my mind," she choked out.

"Good," he whispered hoarsely. "Lose it completely. Let me feel you come." He buried his face in her core again, licking her nether lips. "Let me taste you again."

_"Unnnhhhhhh..."_ Rachel groaned long and low, her hands at the back of Noah's head, pressing him closer. "I need – _Noah, please..."_

Noah thrust his tongue inside her pussy, sucking her juices hungrily. "All night, baby, you have me all night." _The things I want to do to you, it's been so fucking long..._

She flung her hands back against the bed, whimpering. _I can't – it's too much, I want – _She clenched her eyes shut. _I want it all, I need –_ She opened her eyes and drew her blouse over her head, tossing it away and reaching beneath her for her bra.

Noah caught sight of the clothing flying across the room. _Shit, Rach, you're gonna kill me..._

Rachel grabbed him by the collar, tugging him upwards. _I want you..._"Noah..."

He crawled slowly up her body, kissing his way up her stomach. "Rachel," he murmured. "Love you, love you so fucking much." He gently drew a nipple into his mouth, sucking slowly.

Rachel twisted against the sheets, heat pulsing through her with each pull. _I can't – I can't – _She let out a whine, tugging his collar again.

He released the drawn bow in his possession, licking a line across her chest to the other nipple. "I know, baby, you have two." He wrapping his lips around the taut tip and resumed his drugging suction.

_"Noah, please," _she choked out. "I – I want you." _So much..._

Noah pulled back, the nipple slipping free with an audible pop. _You – you want - _"But you said –"

"I said I want you," Rachel whispered urgently. "I need you." _And I don't want to fight it anymore._

_Shit, Rach, you can't..._It was his turn to shudder. "You know I'm never letting you go again."

She slipped her hands beneath them to unzip her skirt, shimmying both the skirt and her panties down. "I know." _And I don't give a damn. _

_If that's the case..._Noah jumped up, shedding his clothes in a frenzy.

Rachel flushed, pressing her hands to her face. _I cannot believe we're here..._

Noah pulled out the condom he'd put in his back pocket earlier in the day. _This is fucking nuts. I'm the luckiest bastard on the face of the planet. _He looked over and saw Rachel hiding behind her hands. "Hey." He crossed the room to sit next to her, peeling her hands from her face. "Rach, we don't have to –"

_I know. _She looked up at him, her eyes bright. _That's not a problem. _"I love you."

He leaned down to kiss her._ Thank you, Lord._ "I love you too." He stroked her cheek. "We don't have to do anything, Rachel, you know that."

_Who said anything about having to? _Rachel shifted up, lifting on an elbow to snag the condom from his loose grasp. "I know," she repeated, tearing it open. _I want to. _"Now come here."

Noah kissed her again, sliding down to lay beside her. "You come _here," _he retorted, rolling her over to straddle him. "I'm following _your_ lead." _I want you so fucking bad, but I want you to be sure..._

Rachel knelt over him, looking into his eyes. _Still worried about me..._"I hope not. You've got four years to make up for." She put the condom on, biting her lip. _And I cannot wait for you to start..._

_Shit, Rach, just give me the chance. _Noah picked her up and rolled her over again, slipping between her thighs. "This'll have to be a down payment, because to make up for that, you'd have to scream the house down."

She shuddered hard against him. _Yes, please..._"I'll take it."

_I'll take _you, _for as long as you'll let me. _He kissed her deeply, pulling back to whisper against her lips. "I love you, Rachel, and I've waited years to get back here to you. It's all I wanted."

"Oh, Noah..." _I believe it. _She cupped his face in her hands. _And it's all I wanted, too. _"I love you."

"Rachel..." He claimed her mouth and slowly eased his cock inside her. _Oh, fuck, yes..._

Rachel caught her breath, jerking convulsively towards him. _Ohhh, yes..._"N-Noah..."

_"Fuck,_ Rach..." Noah bit back a groan, inching deeper. _I'm gonna lose my shit, you feel so fucking good..._"You're so tight, you're driving _me _crazy."

_I feel so - _She clutched at his shoulders. _So full, so perfect..._"It's been - I haven't - oh, Noah, _please..."_

He shifted closer, the groan escaping as he filled her completely. _Oh, fuck, yes..."Rachel..." _He buried his face in her neck and started to move.

"Oh, _Noah..."_ She wrapped her arms around his neck, lifting up to meet his thrusts. _I love you, I love you so much..._"Noah..."

He kissed his way up to her mouth, hands bracing him above her. "I love you," he rasped. _So fucking much._ "I feel like I'm dreaming this." _And I don't ever want to wake up..._

_This feels better than my dreams..._She pulled him down to kiss him deeply. "I know I'm not. I love you, Noah. _I love you."_

_"Rachel..."_ _I won't ever get tired of hearing that..._He thrust hard into her. "Fuck, even if this _is_ a dream, I'm gonna enjoy it." He licked her lips, slipping his tongue into her mouth. _And so will you. _He hooked a leg up over his shoulder and set a slow, steady rhythm with his hips.

_Oh, my – I can't...Noah..._Rachel whimpered into his mouth, pressing her heels into his back and scoring his skin with her nails.

Noah growled into the kiss, grinding hard into her. _Fuck, yes..._He nipped at her lips, dropping to his elbows and burying his hands in her hair. "I love the way you feel around me," he whispered.

Rachel caught her breath, closing her eyes. _I'm on fire..._"I love the way you feel _inside_ me," she answered throatily. "I love _you."_

"I love _you,"_ he echoed. "So much." He started to move faster. _For years...forever..._"I love you."

She gasped, her inner muscles clenching. _It feels so – so good, I can't - _"Noah -"

He grinned, looking into her eyes. _Like the first time. _"C'mon, Rach, trust me...let go." _I'll catch you, I promise._

_Oh, Noah..._She cried out, writhing as she flew over the edge of her orgasm.

_"Rachel,"_ he groaned, and followed her.

Rachel convulsed around him, low whimpers breaking from her throat as she settled. _I trusted you then and I trust you now, with all my heart._

Noah pressed kisses to her skin, licking lightly to taste the salt and sweat. _I missed everything about you, about us, even the smell, the taste..._He shifted his hips against her, sinking deeper inside. _Fuck yes..._

She groaned, arms clutching around his shoulders. _Dear heaven, you feel so good..._"Noah..." _So perfect for me..._

He bit down hard at the cord of muscle in her neck, circling his hips when she arched up. _Mine..._He slowly relinquished his grip and nuzzled his way to her mouth. _Just the way it should be. _"I love you," he breathed.

"I love you too," she whispered. "I never stopped." _No matter what I thought._

Noah leaned up on his elbows. _That's more than I ever dreamed I'd get from you..._"Neither did I, Rachel. Even when I didn't know what it was, even when I wouldn't admit it, I loved you." _And I kinda can't believe we made it back to each other..._

Rachel cupped his face in her hands, stroking her thumbs over his cheeks. _No tears for either of us anymore. _"I believe you, Noah. We'll get it right this time."

_We will. _He kissed her hard. "Damn straight," he muttered, and kissed her again. "You're not getting rid of me now. Push however hard you want, I'm sticking."

_Push, you say? _Rachel smirked, clenching her inner muscles around him. "I think that might get messy," she teased hoarsely.

_Fuck, Rach..._Noah groaned, lowering his forehead to hers. _Still just as sexy as ever. _"Okay, you might be right," he choked out. _And I'm not gonna fuck up already, no accidents here. _"Let me take care of that." He claimed her mouth as he withdrew, swallowing her whimpered protest.

Rachel exhaled shakily, letting her eyes fall shut. _This is love. This is what I've wanted. _She drew a deep breath, a small smile on her lips. _This is _who_ I've wanted._

Noah frowned at her closed eyes. _Don't tell me she – _He paused as he noticed the smile playing across her face. _Oh, thank fuck. _He sat next to her, brushing the hair from her forehead. "Hey."

She opened her eyes, grinning as she met his gaze. _This is real. _"Hey yourself."

_What a night. _He quirked a brow. "So. What now?"

_Now? We live happily ever after, of course. _Rachel bit her lip and shrugged. _Don't we? _"I...I would hope that we...that we would be – that we would be together, and..."

_You hope? Are you fucking kidding me? _Noah rolled his eyes. "You really _are _dense sometimes." He gestured at the rumpled bed. "I mean, sleep? Round two? More songs?" He leaned down to kiss her, pulling back to smile. "The part where we're together is obvious."

"Oh!" She blushed. _You idiot. _"I didn't know what you meant."

He chuckled. "Obviously." _You _have_ been listening, right?_

She huffed. _I'm allowed to be wrong, aren't I? _"Give me a break, a lot has happened in one night, Noah."

_No fucking kidding. _He nodded. "I know, that's why I'm not busting your chops that bad. But yeah, I'm talking about the rest of tonight."

She glanced over at the clock, smirking. "You mean this morning." She pointed. "It's almost 2 AM." _Seems we're always having these deep revelatory conversations in the wee hours..._

_It – what? _Noah followed her finger to the clock. "Okay, yeah. This morning, then."

Rachel drew a deep breath. _It's early, and his family is here. _"You should probably –"

Noah shook his head. "No probably. I wanna know what _you_ want to do." _And I'm hoping it's the same thing _I _want to do._

_You know he should go home, Rachel. _She licked her lips. _You know he should._ "I don't want to get you in trouble."

He shook his head again. "That's not an answer, Rach." _And it's definitely not the one I'm looking for._ "What do you want me to do?"

_Honestly? _She searched his face, eyes holding his intently. "Stay," she whispered. _I want to sleep wrapped up in your arms again..._

He grinned. _Just what I was hoping for. _"I thought you'd never ask." He scooped her up into his arms, shoving the covers down with an elbow before falling into the bed with her.

"Oof!" Rachel giggled as she tumbled onto his chest. "Noah! Don't hurt yourself!" _I have plans for you..._

He threaded his fingers through her hair, drawing her head back to look into her eyes. "I hurt myself really badly about five years ago. I don't intend to do it again." _Not ever._

_Oh, Noah..._She blinked back tears. "Can I kiss your boo-boo and make it better?" she managed hoarsely.

_Well if _that's _the offer..._He smirked. "Oh, _baby_. I'll show you my boo-boo if you'll show me yours." His smirk widened as he snickered. "Again."

She swatted his chest, laying her head over his heart. "Incorrigible." _And I love you for it._

He kissed her hair, wrapping his arms around her. "Now that I have you back? Fucking right." _And I'm not changing that a bit._

_No complaints. _She closed her eyes, listening to his heartbeat. "I love you, Noah." She nuzzled into his chest.

He grinned, staring down at her. _I still can't believe we're here. _"I love you too, Rachel. And I'm sorry."

She cracked an eye open, glaring at him. "No more apologies. Just no more wasted time." _Not even for a second._

Noah shook his head. "Nope, not planning that at all." _Not even close._ "But I _am _sorry, just for the record."

Rachel blew out a breath, leaning up to rest her chin on his chest. "I know. And I am too." _I had my part in shutting you out, I know I did._ "Now that that's all settled, sleep." She yawned. "I, um...didn't sleep that much last night either."

_I'm still sorry for that. _He tucked her head back down, settling against the sheets. "That's fine." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm out of condoms anyway, not really feeling like venturing out of this room." _Pretty much ever. _He closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of her.

She yawned again and grinned. _Not entirely true. _"I'm not," she murmured.

_What the - _His eyes shot open again. "You're –"

She patted his chest. _I heard that heartbeat speed up, Noah. _"Sleep first." She looked up at him. "That was just the down payment, anyway. We have to keep our stamina up."

Noah looked down at her, curled warm and naked against him. _Up is not a problem with you, baby._ "That we do." He smirked. "And you worry about yourself, the Puckerone is good to go whenever you are."

She giggled. "The Puckerone." She shook her head. "I haven't heard that in ages." _What a crazy journey..._

He stroked her hair. "Just like I haven't thought about Sweet Caroline." _Good times never seemed so good..._He chuckled. "Guess it's always been music with us, huh?"

_I don't guess, I'm certain of it. _She yawned again. "The only truth," she offered.

He nodded. _I'm proof of that. _"I'm glad you didn't just throw the packages away, you know." He blew out a breath. "I was so scared you would."

_I thought I would too..._Rachel looked out towards the windows, idly tracing a pattern on his chest. "I couldn't. And I refused to think about why that was. I just knew I didn't want to."

_And that's lucky for me too. _Noah caught her hand, lifting it to his lips for a kiss. "Well, whatever it was, I'm grateful you didn't. And even happier that you even looked at any of it."

_If we're being honest about it..._She swallowed, meeting his gaze. "It took a while. There was definitely a lag before I opened each of them."

He rolled his eyes. _Yeah, so? _"Like there wasn't a lag in me sending them?" He quirked an eyebrow. "Did you notice how many there were at once?"

She gave a short laugh. "Oh, I noticed." _Actually…_She leaned up to look at him. "I probably should've looked at that packet of acceptance and rejection letters, right?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Oh, _hell_ no. Surprising you in class was _way _better." _And probably more effective._

_Better? For who? _Rachel gave him a sour look. "For _you, _maybe. It was my first class as a TA and a ghost from the life I left behind appears out of nowhere."

Noah twined his fingers with hers. _Not a ghost anymore. _"You handled it well."

_I'm sorry, what? _"By running away and practically locking myself in the office?" She raised a brow. "That's handling it well?"

He shrugged. _When you think about it? Yeah. _"You didn't tell me to get the fuck out of your class, you didn't hit me or throw anything at me, and you didn't break down crying. Any of those would've been understandable. So yeah, I call barricading yourself in your office handling it well."

_Those were options? _She stuck her tongue out at him. "Gee, thanks."

He kissed her hand again, grinning. "So, if we're doing the 20 questions thing, I have to ask." _I've been dying to know for the longest. _He cast a questioning look her way. "Did you check my contact card?"

She smiled. "I did _not,_ thank you very much." _I'm proud of myself for that. _She rolled her eyes. "And that probably worked to your benefit. I probably would have accused you of stalking me, considering how close you are."

"Can you blame me?" Noah raised both brows, an innocent look on his face. "I just looked at the map and it made sense." _Close to you and NYU. Win-win for me._

Rachel snorted. "I'm sure that's all that motivated you." _Not anything like you had my address memorized..._

He nodded. "Close to school, and great scenery." _Like being able to look out my window and maybe see you._

She gave him a dull look. "Scenery, hmm? Like a convenient walking route from campus to my condo?" _You're not fooling me. _

He grinned. _Yeah, fine, you know me. _"Like I said. Scenery. And hey, in the end, I didn't even need it."

She heaved a sigh. _Not with the universe on your side the way it was. _"I suppose that's true."

He cuddled her closer. _Someone had bigger plans for us. _"Now you can come by on purpose."

Rachel swallowed a laugh. _Nice turn of phrase. _"Oh, I hope to _come_ by with a definite purpose." She looked up at him. "Down payment, remember?" She scraped a nail lightly down his chest.

He closed his eyes, grinning. _And you made a dirty joke. I've gotta be fucking dreaming._ "How could I forget?"

She grinned. "Good. Because I found that quite enjoyable, and I wouldn't mind repeating it." _At all._

"You found – You wouldn't mind -" He laughed. "Damn, I missed you." _Leave it to Rachel Berry._

_I missed me too._ Rachel took a slow, deep breath. _I didn't even realize how much of myself I'd lost for a while. _"And I missed you." She pressed a kiss to his heart. _I really did, whether I let myself realize it or not. _"This feels right," she said softly.

Noah caught his breath. _That means so fucking much. _"It does," he murmured. "Thank you for giving us a chance, Rach."

"Thank me later," she said, hiding her smile. "When you wake up to Dad and Daddy." _This will make for a very interesting Labor Day weekend..._

_Your dads love me. _"There'll be banners," he teased.

_Ha, just banners? Knowing our parents? _"There'll be _company," _she retorted.

_Oh, shit. She's right. _He kissed the top of her head. "We'll see," he replied. "I'm ready for anything."

"I am too." She yawned again, wriggling into a comfortable spot. _We fit, there's no denying it anymore. _"Even if it's a rabbi and rose petals."

Noah grinned into the darkness. "Love you." _And you said it, I didn't._

Rachel beamed. _You didn't even flinch. _"Love you too," she replied, shutting her eyes and letting sleep claim her.

Noah cast his eyes upward with a smile. _I got the message this time, promise. _He kissed her hair again, wrapping his arms tightly around Rachel. _We both did._

* * *

_**Sunday morning...**_

Will cracked an eye, shifting to glance at the clock.

Dan yawned, stretching. "Morning?"

Will kissed him lightly. "Yes, morning. Ten o'clock in the, to be precise. And hopefully a good one."

Dan smiled. "Think he went home last night?"

Will smirked. "Want to go check the box of condoms in the bathroom?"

Dan giggled. "Okay, so maybe that was a _little_ cruel."

Will rolled his eyes. "I'm sure our daughter would differ with that assessment." He drew a deep breath, yawning as he stretched. "And I don't know, maybe?"

Dan grinned, nodding towards the nightstand. "I know a surefire way to find out..."

* * *

Ilana grabbed her phone, pressing a hand to her heart as she saw the display. "Hello? Daniel?"

"Good morning, Ilana, how are you?" Dan gave Will the thumbs-up. "How was your evening?"

She laughed. "How was _yours? _We went to a show and came back to an empty apartment."

Dan elbowed his husband. "It was pretty enlightening. We were watching a movie around eleven when we heard voices from the kitchen."

Ilana beamed. "Rachel and Noah."

Dan nodded. "Rachel and Noah. I embarrassed the two of them with a caution against unprotected sex and went to bed. So..."

"Daniel!" Ilana shook her head. "Well, hopefully they heeded that, because the couch is quite conspicuously _empty_ this morning."

Dan smacked Will's arm repeatedly. "So Noah _didn't_ come home."

She stood, pacing to the window and looking out to the street below. "Not unless he managed to sneak in and out like a ninja."

Will motioned to Dan for the phone. "Ilana? It's Will." He smiled. "What's your stance on breakfast?"

* * *

Noah yawned, blinking slowly. _This isn't – I'm not – _He looked down at his chest and grinned. _Not a dream. _He stroked Rachel's hair, wrapping his arms tighter around her. _Or more like I'm _living_ the dream._

Rachel shifted against him, a soft whimper humming from her throat as she found a comfortable spot.

He kissed her hair, taking a slow, deep breath. _I could stay here all day. I don't think Ma would mind, it's a good cause..._

Her brow furrowed as her head rose and fell. _What is – where – oh! _Her eyes shot open.

"Hi." Noah leaned down to kiss her again. "Good morning, baby." _I fucking love being able to say that. _

Rachel's smile bloomed. _Indeed it is. _"Good morning to you too."

"How are you feeling?" He lifted a brow in question. "Head okay?" _And the rest of you?_

_Good question. _She stretched slightly. "Head is fine, thanks." She let out a low groan. "Some other muscles are protesting a little."

He chuckled. _Happy to help with that. _"We'll just have to work them out more often, won't we?"

A shiver tripped up her spine. _I wouldn't consider it work at all..._"Sounds good," she murmured.

He rolled them over, their legs tangling as he hovered over her. "It most certainly does." _Feels even better. _He lowered his head to kiss her soundly.

Rachel moaned into his mouth, her arms circling his neck to drag him down. _I wouldn't mind starting the morning with a workout..._

A peal of laughter rang out from beyond the bedroom. _Oh, fuck. _Noah pulled back from her lips to drop his forehead on hers. "You were right," he groaned.

_But I wanted – I was – oh..._Rachel opened her eyes, biting her lip against the laugh. "There's company, isn't there."

_Just like you said. _He nodded. "That's Ma's laugh. I'd know it anywhere."

She blew out a breath. _I should have known better than to tempt fate when it comes to us..._"How long do you think they'd let us stay in here?"

He raised a brow. _Hiding out?_ "Trying to dodge our families?"

Rachel pursed her lips. "I take exception to that. I wouldn't call it _dodging." Not aloud, in any event. _"I just want to use our time...efficiently."

Noah laughed. "Efficient is the last thing on my mind when it comes to being in bed with you, Rach. I want to _linger." Like you deserve. _He kissed her softly. "I want to take my _time." Especially after all the time we missed. _He trailed his lips across her cheek to her ear. "I want to _savor," _he whispered, kissing the spot behind her ear. _Every second, every sound..._

_"Noah!"_ she hissed. _You're going to make me – _She arched up, shuddering. "I – _oh, mmmm – _I do too..."

He continued nibbling his way down her neck, his hands roaming her body. _I may not have time for everything, but..._He slid his hand between her thighs, grinning as she gasped.

"Noah, you – _ohhh, Noah..." _Rachel undulated under his questing fingers. _We – we shouldn't, but – _

_Maybe we can bar the door..._Noah flicked her clit lightly, burying his other hand in her hair and kissing her deeply.

_Oh, Noah..._Rachel whimpered into his kiss, hips lifting to meet his hand.

Noah groaned, slipping a finger into her center. _So fucking responsive..._He tore his mouth from hers to whisper in her ear. "You feel so good, you know that?" He pushed another finger inside and twisted.

_"Ah!" _Rachel jerked up, sinking her teeth into his shoulder to muffle her moans. _You're going to get us caught..._

Noah bit his lip, fighting back a growl. _I want to just – just make you – _He rubbed his thumb hard into her clit, tugging her hair back to ravage her mouth.

_Oh, Noah..._Rachel kissed him back feverishly, her inner muscles convulsing around his hand. She tore herself away, dragging her lips to his ear. "Top drawer," she choked out.

_Oh, fuck, Rach – _He flung his hand out, yanking the drawer open.

"Noah, be –" _Oh, no..._Rachel winced as he knocked the heavy portfolio from the nightstand, the thump audible through the room.

_Shit! _Noah froze, listening. _Don't come this way, nothing to see here..._

* * *

Ilana frowned at the group at the table. "Did anyone else hear that?"

Sarah, Will and Dan exchanged a look.

"Hear what, Ma?" Sarah picked a chocolate croissant from the box of pastries. "Have another bagel or something."

* * *

Rachel and Noah held their breath, waiting.

_No one's coming. _He grabbed a condom, shutting the drawer carefully. _Except for us, hopefully..._

_This is – this is crazy, we shouldn't – _She fought back a cry as he withdrew his hand. _But I want to..._

He kissed her quickly. _Sorry, baby, but just –_ He shredded the wrapper, rolling the condom on and rolling between her thighs. "I can't stop myself, I want to feel you too badly," he rasped in her ear.

She nodded, pulling his head down to latch onto his lips. _I'm not stopping you either..._

* * *

Ilana huffed. "I heard something from back there..."

Dan and Will exchanged a look. "Even if you did, let's just give them time to join us, shall we?" Will suggested.

She raised a skeptical brow. "Time to get reacquainted, you mean."

"Ma!" Sarah made a face. "Ew, I'm eating."

Dan fought back a chuckle.

* * *

Noah positioned himself at her entrance, inching his way into her core. _Fuck, you're gonna make me come so fast..._

Rachel wrapped her legs around his hips, lifting herself up to sheathe him completely. _Yes, Noah, oh, please..._She licked into his mouth, small pleading noises pouring from her throat.

_Shit, Rach, you're gonna be the death of me. _He nipped at her lower lip and started to move.

* * *

Ilana took another sip of her coffee. "I suppose I can't complain when I told him not to come home if he had the opportunity."

Will laughed. "Really?"

Ilana nodded, stealing a piece of Sarah's croissant. "I knew he was going to the Prom while we were at the theater, and I asked him for the spare key just in case."

Dan chuckled. "Well, good thing they're two responsible adults. It's easy to just let them be, they'll come join us when they're fin - ready."

* * *

Noah groaned into her hair, losing the rhythm of his thrusts as she drew tighter and wetter around him. _I can't hold back, you feel too fucking good..._"Rach..."

_Yes, more, I want – I need – _She dug her heels into his thighs, angling her hips. _Deeper, just – oh, right _there, _Noah..._Rachel curled her hands into his shoulders, her pussy clutching at his cock.

_"Fuck,_ Rach, I'm gonna – I'm gonna –" _Only you can make me lose control like this..._He buried his face in her neck, biting and sucking at her skin.

_"Noah..." Yes, I want – everything..._Rachel exhaled brokenly as her orgasm swept through her.

Noah ground his hips into her, emptying into the condom. _Fuck, yes..._

Rachel let out a low hum of satisfaction as Noah lowered his body to hers. _Mmm...perfect. _"Definitely a good morning," she whispered.

Noah chuckled, pressing kisses to her face. _And you called _me_ incorrigible..._"Yeah, just wait till we leave this room."

"Never," she replied quickly, wrapping her arms around his back. _Who said anything about leaving? _"We'll just stay. _They'll_ have to go _some_time."

He laughed again. _Maybe your dads, but my mother?_ "Knowing we're back here together? Not a chance, Rach."

_Ugh, I know..._She pouted. "I just want to bask in this with you for a while."

* * *

"They're still not out." Ilana looked around the table. "Can we at least text them that we're here?"

Will shrugged. "That's not a bad idea..." He turned to Sarah with a smile, looking her in the eye meaningfully. "Sarah, why don't you go ahead with that?"

* * *

Noah grinned. _I love that you want to hole up with me, but we both know that's not gonna happen. _"I would love to, baby, but that won't change the fact that they're not gonna leave us alone for long."

On cue, Noah's phone danced across her desk.

"Oh, no..." _I don't want to leave. Not yet..._Rachel buried her head in his shoulder. "What happened to all our luck?"

Noah brushed her hair back, tugging her away to look into her eyes. _Exactly what needed to happen with it. _"All our luck brought us here. That's enough for me."

Rachel smiled softly. "I love you." _How did I deny it for so long? _She cupped his cheek. "But I still wish they'd all just go away."

_Fucking love it. _"Soon enough, baby. But we have all the time in the world now." He reached between them to hold the condom in place and kissed her noisily, bracing himself on his other arm. _Much as I hate to leave you..._"Exiting in three, two -" He slowly inched his way out. "Let's see what my phone has to say."

Rachel whined, dropping her head to the pillow. _Nothing, damn it. I'm still absorbing this myself! _"No."

He flipped his phone open, chuckling. _Oh yeah, we better get a move on. _"Rach. Yes. That was Sarah, warning us. She said she and your dads are doing their best to keep Ma in check but she's getting antsy."

She flung her arm across her eyes. _If we just hadn't made any noise..._"This is what you get for sending me that huge portfolio."

He raised a brow. _Excuse you? _"Or what you get for not looking sooner."

She giggled, sliding up in bed. _Fine, fine..._"Truce. We're going to have to be a united front with our families."

_That one's easy, if you can keep cool. _Noah put his slacks back on. "Well, if you can manage not to blush, I'll take care of Ma." He threw on his tank top and grabbed his shirt. "I'll just tell her we were working on some new songs." _And we were. I swear the way you moan is like music..._

Rachel frowned skeptically. _That's it?_ "And if she asks to hear one?"

_She'll know what it means. _"She won't, and if she does, I'll tell her they aren't ready yet." Noah leaned down, kissing Rachel and tracing his hand down her side. "But we're not telling anyone anything until you get dressed."

She sighed and stretched. _And that's supposed to _motivate_ me to move? _"I know, I know..." Throwing back the covers, she winced and sat up. "I really _am_ out of practice."

He laughed. _For now..._"Don't tempt me, Rach, we gotta at least make an appearance before she busts your door down."

Rachel ran her brush through her hair in front of the mirror. _That's the only reason I'm not still in bed. _"I know, but I don't have to like it."

Noah came up behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders and kissing the top of her head. "Fair enough." He grinned, catching her eyes in the reflection. _Look at us. _"You're fucking gorgeous, you know that? I'm the luckiest guy to have this chance with you."

She blushed, holding his gaze. _When you look at me like that, I can't help but feel it._ "Thank you." She turned and kissed him, disappearing into the closet to get dressed.

He grinned when she emerged. "You look like summertime."

She smoothed the yellow sundress down, smiling widely. "Thank you."

Noah held out a hand. "You ready for this?" _Today is the first day of the rest of our lives._

Rachel took a deep breath, beaming up at him. _I was born ready for this, I think. _She twined her fingers with his, squeezing. "Bring it."

* * *

Everyone froze, all eyes focused at the end of the hall as the door opened.

"Good morning, everyone," Rachel said breezily. _Lest we forget theatre is a part of my major._ "I told Noah there'd likely be company when we woke up."

Noah quirked a brow before turning to the table. _Nicely played. _He gave a small bow. "As always, the brains of the operation, Ms. Rachel Berry." He kissed her hand. "We were just -"

Ilana held up a hand. "Asking no questions but the one that matters. Breakfast?"

Rachel blinked. _That? _That's_ the question that matters?_ "Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Puckerman, I'll just have -"

"Granola and yogurt. In the fridge, dear." Ilana smiled. "William told me."

Rachel nodded. "Thank you. If you'll excuse me..." She cast a hopeful grin at Noah and left his side. _Perhaps we should've had more faith in our loved ones_...

Ilana watched for Rachel's retreat before looking to her son. "But _you,_ Noah -" She gestured to the table. "Your breakfast is here." She smiled sweetly at him. "I take it you traveled _safely_ last night?"

"Subtle, Ma." _I'm actually kinda impressed_. He dropped onto the couch, grabbing a cheese danish. "We did. Not to worry."

Ilana nodded. "Good. I may want Jewish grandchildren, Noah, but feel free to take your time."

"Ma!" Sarah dropped her head to her hands.

Noah patted his sister's back. _Your time will come too, Sar. Don't you worry. _"Good to hear, since we haven't even had a first date yet." He waved his pastry at his mother for emphasis. _"Don't jinx me."_

Rachel swallowed hard, setting her bowl down and swiping at her eyes in the kitchen doorway. _I can't believe...we're all here. _She watched as Noah hugged Sarah, their parents laughing with each other.

Noah looked up, catching sight of their silent observer. "Excuse me," he murmured. _Hope you're liking what you're seeing._ He crossed the room with a grin. "Hey."

She sniffed, smiling. _I love you, so much._ "You again."

_Damn right. _He wrapped his arms around her, nodding and kissing her. "And again, and again and again."

Rachel took a deep breath, hugging him back. _I know you mean that. _"Sounds like a plan," she said softly. _A plan I adore. _"And Noah, when that time comes? Red roses and myrtle."

_Red roses and –_ Noah quirked a brow over her head. "Myrtle. Okay."

"Your mother will appreciate it. Just trust me." _I know of what I speak. _Rachel nuzzled into his chest.

He grinned. "With all my heart." _Even when you took it 532 miles away from me. _He kissed her head. "And all the _rest_ of me too, you really haven't forgotten a trick."

"Incorrigible," she whispered. "And thank you." _We've barely even started..._

"Thank me later." He winked at her. _Hopefully when you're naked._ "Maybe we can convince them to go to the beach without us." He moved his mouth to her ear. "I wouldn't mind adding to that down payment with a moan or ten." Noah nibbled her earlobe. "And you can make noise too, I don't mind."

Rachel laughed, and kissed him.

* * *

**A.N.: **And there, my lovelies. I really do hope you've enjoyed this journey of theirs. I wanted to tell this story that had a hold on me, and I can only give you my neverending gratitude for your patience and your support. Life has taken me on a crazy ride during the course of this process, and you all have been amazing.

Thank you again.


	21. Epilogue

**A.N. **Why hello, my lovelies! I hope that you are all well, and I apologize for the long absence. I went and got hitched! :) That said, here is a piece that was absolutely missing from BTL. Hope you enjoy it and I hope to be writing more soon!

* * *

_Suggested listening: Hidden Track, Jason Mraz; I Choose You, Sara Bareilles; Safe and Sound, Capital Cities; My Baby is the Real Thing, Allen Toussaint_

* * *

**Epilogue**

Rachel licked her spoon clean with a smile. _All the people I love right here. _She froze as she considered. _Not_ every_one_. "Whoops," she murmured. _Going to have to make a phone call..._

Noah looked over, quirking a brow. _Whoops?_ "Hope that's not in reference to _me_, Rach - I think Ma is already planning the wedding with Will and Dan."

Rachel giggled as she considered the families gathered into a huddle. "They can plan all they want. I'm going to go about this properly." This _time, anyway._

Noah plucked the spoon from her hand, dropping it into the empty bowl. "Properly, huh?" He hauled her into his lap with a smirk. "I don't know if anything I intend to do to you is proper." _I'm pretty fucking _sure _it's not._ He nibbled her neck.

Rachel shivered, smacking his arm. "Noah! _Behave_. We already got away with something this morning." _Or at least I hope we did..._

He chuckled. "Yeah, and I'm hoping to get away with it _again,_ do you think we could -"

"Enough canoodling, time for the beach," Ilana announced with a grin. "We were being polite and waiting for Rachel, but if the two of you think that you'll get away from us our last day here, you aren't the brilliant couple I think you are."

"And that answers that," Rachel whispered, fighting a laugh. _Damn_. "Of course not, Mrs. Puckerman, we know better." _More's the pity._

"Ilana for now, hopefully something less formal someday." She frowned at her son. "Maybe we _were _planning the wedding, but can you blame us? You two are over there looking so perfect!"

Noah grinned. "Damn right we are." _We always were, whether I got it or not._ He gave Rachel a noisy kiss on the lips.

"Okay, enough already!" Sarah rolled her eyes. "Somebody, _anybody_, get me out of here." She shook her head at Rachel. "I'm glad you're together and all, but between you guys looking at each other and them looking at you, I'm gonna lose that really excellent bagel I just had to the bathroom. _When I throw up."_

Rachel blushed, ducking her head. _Get a hold of yourself, Rachel!_ "I'm sorry, Sarah, we're done here."

_Done? Really?_ Noah raised a brow, whispering in her ear. "We are? 'Cause I'm just getting _started _with you."

Rachel gasped as Noah slowly ground his hips against her. "We - we _are," _she managed shakily. _Even if I don't necessarily _want _to be..._She shook her head. "It's your family's last day here, you and I will still be here tomorrow." _Wait, that's true...they'll be home and Noah will be...here..._

Noah clenched his arms around her. "Damn right we will be." _We _will. _I am not going to fuck this up again._

Rachel's brow furrowed as she felt the tension in her lover's grip. _What's going on? _"Noah?" She cupped his cheek in her hand, turning to look at him. "You all right?"

He nodded, burying his face in her neck for a heartbeat. "Yeah. Yeah, Rach, I'm fine." _I am. I'm fine. _We're_ fine._

She smiled softly. _I must remember the fact I'm not the _only _one trying to process..._"Is it my turn to point out to _you _that a lot has happened in a short while?"

_No shit. _He kissed the top of her head. "Stop being so smart, Berry, it's annoying."

_Oh_. She pressed a hand to her heart. _Berry_. "I haven't heard that in ages."

He froze. _Did I just fuck this up already? _"Rachel -"

She shook her head. "It's - it's okay." She swallowed hard. "It really is." _Unexpectedly so._

"Dare I point out that we've been telling you for ages you weren't as angry at Noah as you thought you were?" Dan chimed in. "Because we _have."_

It was Rachel's turn to roll her eyes. _Yes, about a million times. _"Thank you, Dad, much appreciated. Fine, yes, you're brilliant, you were right, but I needed to figure it out for myself, and you told me _that _too."

Will laughed. "She has you there, my love. We raised a bright one."

Dan nodded. "Absolutely. Now let's talk Long Beach. Shall we make a day of it? Grab dinner after?"

Rachel shrugged, looking back at Noah. _We should have hidden back there for longer, I should have known it was too good to think we could be left alone today. _"I'm not working, and I don't think I'd mind..."

Noah tickled her lightly. "Don't think you'd mind? Is that the best you've got?" _I'll drive you _out _of your mind, how about _that?

Rachel squealed, jumping from his lap and running through the condo. _I think _we_ are the best that I've got. _"I'll get a beach bag!" she called behind her.

Noah grinned at the rest of the entourage. "Excuse me, everyone." _And I'll get _you.

Rachel giggled as she heard Noah running after her. "Come and find me now," she sang breathlessly.

Noah stopped as his heart clenched. _Rachel..._He ran straight for her, snatching her up and carrying her into the bedroom, kicking the door shut as he went. He claimed her mouth urgently, lowering them to the bed.

_Noah..._Rachel kissed him back just as fiercely, nipping at his lips. "I love you," she whispered.

Noah groaned. "Love you too." _Damn family..._He slipped a hand between them to slip into her panties, growling at her responsiveness. "So fucking much." He pinched at her clit, twisting tightly.

Rachel arched up with a broken cry, clutching at his back. _"No_ah..."

He turned to the side and groped blindly for the nightstand, fumbling to find the familiar foil shape. _I just - I want - I need - Rachel..._He kissed her hard, unzipping his fly one-handed and shoving at his pants.

_This is...this is crazy, but I - I need - _Rachel grabbed the condom from him, tearing it open and rolling it on. "I need you," she gasped out.

Noah dragged her underwear down, tossing it across the room and slowly sinking his cock inside her.

"N-_Noah..." _Rachel arched towards him again, lifting her hips for his. "Please..."

"Rachel..." Noah bit his lip as her inner muscles clenched around his shaft. "Rach, you make me crazy."

"So then _go _crazy," she moaned lowly. _It's been so long..."Please..."_

Noah hooked her legs over his shoulders, pounding hard into her. _Mine, never gonna give you up, not ever fucking again..._He leaned down to claim her mouth, swallowing her moans as he lost his rhythm.

Rachel clamped her hands onto his biceps, pressing her heels into his back. "Oh, _Noah…" _She dug her nails into his arms while her orgasm swept her under.

_Fuck, yes..._Noah broke the kiss, throwing his head back when Rachel's climax triggered his own. _Fuck, yes, Rachel..._He shuddered against her, lowering her legs carefully. _I love you..._"I love you," he managed hoarsely. "I love you so much."

Rachel giggled, struggling to even her breathing. "I love you too, Noah. I can't believe we just got away with that." _What has gotten into me?_

He grinned, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. "If I hadn't wanted you so much, and if you hadn't let me let loose, we might not have. But I fucking _loved _it." _Glad you did too, because I did _not _mean to lose my shit quite that fast._

Rachel flushed again. "Incorrigible." _And so am I, as it stands..._

"Damn right." Noah kissed her deeply. "Good thing too, or I might never have gotten back to you." _And I am so glad I did._

Rachel hugged him, gazing into his eyes. _I missed this._ "I should make you bring your guitar to the beach. Serenade me some more." _Or maybe not. Dangerously sexy. _She shook herself. _Rachel!_

Noah carefully withdrew, disposing of the condom quickly. "Whatever you want, Rach." He leaned down to kiss her, grabbing his slacks from the side of the bed to tug them on. _Glad I went commando yesterday. _"Seriously, whatever you want." _Now that you'll let me..._He licked his lips. "I'm so sorry for everything I put you through, Rachel. I love you." _I love being able to say that out loud. _He kissed her hard before pulling away to continue. "_I love you._ I'm never gonna hurt you again."

"Oh, Noah..." Rachel shivered, sitting up and cupping his face. _I know you mean that, but..._"You're going to hurt me again, and I'm going to hurt you - we love each other, it's part of the territory." _I have to remember that, too. _She kissed him gently, gazing into his eyes. "But I love you. And we will be okay." She sighed theatrically. "Though _not _if we don't re-emerge soon. I think we've tried your mother's patience enough."

He stepped back with a grin. _She's still too good for me. _"Just tell me what you need me to do."

She giggled. "I don't know _what _it is with you, Noah Puckerman, but the answers that pop into my head in response to that statement are _not _at _all _safe for children." _Some things never change._

_Damn right they're not. _"Good," he murmured. "We'll get back to that later."

* * *

Ilana pinned the back hallway with a glare. "If those two don't come back out here now..."

Will and Dan chuckled, exchanging a glance. "We have the benefit of remembering when they were together before, Ilana - they'll be back momentarily," Will offered.

"Slightly disheveled though," Dan whispered to his husband.

Will shushed him with a grin. "Don't give her a heart attack, sweetheart. Why don't you go get our bag?" He raised his eyebrows meaningfully.

Dan nodded. "Be right back, all." He smoothed the smile from his face and charged down the hall.

* * *

"So which one?" Rachel held up a turquoise bikini and a white Marilyn Monroe one-piece. "Classic or modern?" _Why am I bothering to ask when I'm virtually certain of what his answer will be…_

Noah wagged his eyebrows at her. _That's a question? _"Whichever is easier access."

"Noah!" Rachel laughed. _Exactly as I thought. _"We're going to be surrounded by both our -" She froze as an insistent knocking on her door interrupted her, turning bright red. "Oh, _no..."_ _We were here too long…_She moved for the door. _Please don't be Ilana._

Noah waved her back and hopped to open it. _Doesn't matter who is on the other side, you're only getting to Rach through me._ He blew out a breath at the face that greeted him."Hi Dan, sorry, we're debating bikini versus one piece."

Dan rolled his eyes. "Considering your mother's impatience with you both, Noah, I'm going to tell Rachel one-piece just so your family has a fighting chance of holding your attention."

Rachel froze. _Oh, no…_ "I - I hope your mother isn't mad at me, Noah, I _told_ you -" _And yet…I definitely participated. _She bit her lip.

Dan cleared his throat. "If it's my fault for – for putting a _damper_ on your plans last night..."

Noah swallowed his smile. _If you only knew…_

Rachel looked around the room desperately. _Do not blush. Do not look at him. Do not…_

Dan chuckled. "Or, uh, _not_. All the more reason to get yourselves together and go."

Rachel nodded quickly. _Translation: don't push our luck. _"Marilyn it is, thanks, Dad."

Dan winked. "Now thank me by getting back out there." He left the doorway to continue to his bedroom.

Rachel turned to glare at Noah. _Why didn't I put my foot down? _"See? _Now_ your mother is -"

Noah wrapped his arms around the aggravated brunette and pressed soft kisses down her neck. "_Now, _my mother is abso-fucking-lutely over the _moon_ that you and I found our way back to each other. She_ made _me give her the key in the hopes that I wouldn't come home."He nipped at her, satisfaction flooding him as she went limp against him for a moment. _I missed doing that to you._ "You have to breathe. I promise I'll try to behave." _For now. Maybe._

Rachel shivered. "T-try hard, p-please." _Because I obviously have no self-control today…_

Noah chuckled and smiled. "I definitely try _hard _for you, Rach." He pressed the evidence against her. "Very, _very_ hard." _I'd love to show you again right now…_

"Noah!" She blushed and giggled. _Mmm, that missing self-control would be extremely useful at the moment…_"That quickly? We _just_ -"

He kissed her neck. _You have no idea how much I want you._ He nibbled her skin, nuzzling and licking._ I could get drunk on just the taste of you…_"After the drought I've had? You're lucky I'm not insisting we stay behind," he murmured absently.

_Drought?_ Rachel gently pushed free of his arms. "What do you mean, 'the drought' you had?"

Noah shrugged, stroking a hand over her cheek. _Well, I was gonna tell her _some_time. _"I haven't been with anyone in years, Rach. Not since Quinn and I were over."

Rachel's eyebrows shot up in shock. _Seriously? _"No one? When did you and Quinn end?" _Before Connor and I did?_

Noah cleared his throat. _Oh, shit. I should've figured she'd want specifics. _"Um, when we were here for Spring Break. What, four years ago, maybe?"

Jaw dropping, Rachel searched his face. _Oh, Noah. That long? _"The Sex God of McKinley -"

"- Wanted no one else but _you,"_ he interjected. "No one was _right_ after you. Not Quinn, not anyone." _That should've been my first clue._

"Oh, Noah." She grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him. _This is what I've waited for._ "I love you."

"I love you both too, now get your behinds out there before Ilana has a coronary in the living room." Dan grinned from the doorway, beach bag over his shoulder. "Don't worry, honey, your father and I will take a nice, long weekend away sometime soon."

_"Dad!"_ Rachel hid her face. _My own father, offering a weekend of…I can't even finish that sentence in my head._

Noah laughed. _Her dads really _are_ fucking awesome. _"Thanks, Dan. And we'll be right behind you." _Even if we don't need them to offer up the place..._

Dan only shook his head. _"Oh,_ no. I may love you, but I'm not stupid. After you _both,_ please."

Rachel blushed deeply, grabbing a bag and tossing towel and cover-up in. "Yes, Dad." _Except I still need to tie up one loose end. _She cleared her throat. "Do you think I have time for a phone call?" She looked back to Noah. "Do you want to just meet us at the subway? You can go home and grab a bag."

Noah raised a brow. "Who exactly are you calling?" _And why is my stomach churning?_

_Oh, Rachel. _She giggled at the worried look in Noah's eyes. _Spare him the heart attack. _"Noah, I have to call Lori. I _have _to call Lori. This is homicide-worthy news if I don't tell her soon."

Noah blew out a breath. "Oh, thank fuck. That's all?" He grinned. "Tell her to meet you at the beach." _This should be fun._

Rachel gave a snort of laughter. "She still might kill me, Noah." _Though it might be enjoyable payback for all her needling and meddling…_

"Aw, come on. Can't we have a little fun?" Noah faked a pout. _Or a lot? More than a lot?_

Dan groaned. "Give me a break, you've already had fun twice today and it's barely morning." He tossed Noah a pair of swim trunks. "Your mother and Sarah apparently came prepared, those should be yours." He turned back to his daughter. "Call Lori, text her, tell her and Connor to ditch work, I don't care, but let's _go." _Dan gave them both a warning look before walking back to the living room.

Rachel took a deep breath and shrugged. "If no one minds the company…" _Surrounded by everyone, she can't kill me _too _badly…_

"Do it, and let's get going," Noah agreed, tossing Rachel her phone. _The sooner we start, the sooner we end, and I can try and talk Ma into the same deal as last night…_

* * *

Lori rubbed at her eyes as her phone rang. "Doesn't everyone know not to call before ten on Sunday?" She groped for the phone on the nightstand. "Hello?"

"Lori?" Rachel winced, looking at the clock. _How often can I wake her before she hates me? _"I'm sorry to wake you," _again _"but I know you have today and tomorrow off for the holiday, so I was wondering if you might want to join myself and my fathers at Long Beach?"

Lori stretched and shrugged. "Sounds good," she managed on a yawn. "It'll be nuts tomorrow. Meet you at home?"

"Actually, we..." _want to give you a heart attack_ "...have to run some errands first...and is Connor off?" _Please say yes. He'll help protect me. _Rachel bit her lip. _Maybe._

Lori patted her boyfriend on the chest. "Want to go to Long Beach?"

Connor nodded. "Yes, we can meet them there in a couple of hours."

"A couple of hours?" Lori repeated, raising a brow.

"A couple of hours," he repeated into the phone, and disconnected the call, tossing the phone towards Lori's purse and rolling the woman herself beneath him.

* * *

Rachel shook her head, tossing Noah a smile as she stepped into her bikini. _Hope Dad won't comment on the change..._ "Well, she'll at least be in a great mood when they get to the beach," she chuckled.

Noah sighed, pouting. _I could be in a better one. _"Are they doing what I want to be doing?"

_You and I both..._Rachel nodded, dragging Noah out of the bedroom.

Ilana rolled her eyes. "Finally." She shook her head and charged to the door. "We need to keep an eye on you two. One day, Noah. _One day._ You can do..._whatever_...when we're back in Lima."

Noah held up his hands. "Rachel was saying the same thing, Ma, sorry." He glanced at Rachel, an apology in his eyes. _Should have figured Ma would have no patience, but..._she's_ the one who was hoping I wouldn't come home. _"Totally not her fault. We realized she needs to talk to Lori. I convinced Rach to surprise her at the beach, when we're all there together."

"Oh, if I were her, I'd _kill _you," Ilana scolded. "But whatever, you do what you want."

Rachel smacked Noah's arm. "I told you!" _I knew I should have just let Lori know what was going on..._

He caught her hand and kissed her palm. "Relax! It's a good thing." _Right? _"She'll be thrilled."

Rachel sighed and nodded. "She'll be thrilled." _Beyond, thrilled, probably, because…_She rolled her eyes. "And she'll tell me she told me so."

"Well, she did." _Lucky for me. _He licked her lightly, smirking up at her.

She shivered. _I can't believe in front of – well, yes I can. _She faked a glare. "Enough out of you, Mr. Puckerman."

"Mr. Puckerman, she says." _It's a start. _He gave an exaggerated growl. "Oooo, I _like _it."

* * *

Rachel sighed and tucked her head on Noah's chest as they claimed seats on the train. _What a difference..._

Noah kissed her hair, shifting her more comfortably to tangle his hands through it. "I missed this. I missed everything." _And I'm a lucky bastard to be back here again._

Rachel pressed a kiss to his heart. "I did too, whether I wanted to admit it or not." _And I most definitely did not want to admit it._

_So glad you did. _He squeezed her tighter. "Thank you for giving me another chance," he said softly.

Rachel looked up to meet his gaze. "Thank you for wanting it, for wanting _me_ that much. You really have become the man I always knew you could be." _And I _can't_ doubt that you love me. How many girls can say that?_

"Don't make me too grown up, Rach - I'm still gonna try to get into that bikini on the beach." He licked his lips and leaned in to whisper to her. _Don't act all uppity with me. _"Come on, admit it – you wore the bikini instead of the one-piece because you hope that I _do."_ _And I fucking _love _it._

She smacked his arm. _Damn it, don't draw attention to that!_ "You're going to get us in trouble!"

"You're going to earn a permanent black and blue if you don't behave, Noah," Ilana teased from across the aisle. "I'm not sure what you said, but you've been saying an awful lot of it this morning."

Rachel giggled and kissed his arm. "I'll have to find a better way to keep him in line, we can't have that." _Speaking of drawing attention…_

Noah's eyes lit up. _Oh, I can think of a bunch of ways to keep me completely obedient to your every whim..._"I have some suggestions..."

Rachel looked at him suspiciously. "I get the feeling that none of them are appropriate for discussion in mixed company." _Which makes two of us, actually…_

He only grinned. "Incorrigible. Get me a T-shirt." _And then I'll take it off and throw it at you before throwing you down and showing you just how incorrigible I am..._

* * *

_**"This station is Long Beach, our final destination. Laaaast stop, last stop."**_

Sarah looked out the window as the train slowed to a screeching halt. "We're at the beach?"

Rachel nodded. "Pretty much, just a little walk from here. Since we bought the passes with our train tickets, we can just walk right over." She paused. _What did I want to see most the first time I came here..._She smiled. "Sarah, do you want to see surfers?"

"Surfers?" Noah raised a brow as they filed off the train. "What do you know about where the -" _guys _"surfers are?"

Rachel giggled. "I know where they are thanks to Lori and Connor. He surfs, we sunbathe." _And perhaps admire the many masculine physiques on display..._She squeezed his hand. "But it's cute that you wondered."

_I'll show you cute. _He dragged his thumbnail across the inside of her palm, smirking at her shiver. "So will he be lugging a board from the train?"

Rachel nodded. "It helps, we'll see them coming." _And perhaps I'll even have time to flee._

Ilana shook her head again. "I still think she'll kill you when she gets here, Rachel."

Will chuckled. "Lori will say she'll kill her, but she'll be thrilled. I think Lori's probably seen this coming for a while."

_You're _all _saying that you saw this coming, every last one of you._ Rachel frowned. "Was I really the only one thinking there was a possibility we _wouldn't_ work out?" _Is that really a bad thing?_

Noah grinned and kissed her. "It's okay, Rach, remember that I was in touch with everyone - they could tell the guy who came after you would be the one you wanted." _If you only knew what kind of grief _I_ got from them..._

She sniffed. "Still, it would be nice if _some_one had some qualms about it, instead of it being an inevitability." _Not that I want to be right about not letting Noah have a chance, but really, I do hate being wrong..._

_If it means that much to you..._"Rach. _I _did." Noah stopped short and tugged Rachel back, turning to face her. "I had no idea whether I was gonna even get to you when I got to New York. So, yeah, definitely at least _one_." _Scared the shit out of me, but there you go._

_You idiot. _Rachel shook her head. _Maybe the observers saw it, but the two of us had nothing but faith to go on. _"Oh, Noah. I'm so sorry, that was thoughtless of me to protest." She leaned up to kiss him.

"If it helps, me too," Sarah chimed in. "I think Noah's a dummy most of the time, so I wouldn't have been surprised if you turned him down." She froze. "I mean, not like I don't want you to be together, but just, well -"

"It's okay, Sarah, no one thinks you want them broken up." Dan patted her shoulder. "But I think we all know you believe the kissyface is getting old," he teased them.

Rachel rolled her eyes. _Our families. We have to love them. _"All right, it worked out the way it was supposed to, how about we all accept that and get to the beach?"

"Done!" Ilana pointed down the street. "Is that the boardwalk I see?"

Rachel smiled. "It _is _indeed. Welcome to Long Beach, everyone." _If we can't be home alone, at least we're here. _She took the lead up the ramp, inhaling deeply of the smell of the sea. "It really has become one of my favorite places."

"Guess I'd better learn to love it too, huh?" Noah wagged his eyebrows at her. "I can think of a way to really improve my first experience here…" _And to make up for the fact that we're gonna spend the first day that I can freely get to you with our _entire family...

_Don't tempt me again! _Rachel glared at him, snatching their passes out of his hand for the attendant to punch and handing over her season pass. "Not today."

"Ooo, but sometime. I can live with that." _Especially when that means I get to come back here with you and _just_ you..._Noah wrapped his arms around her waist, walking her down and kissing her neck. "How late do the trains run out here?"

Rachel blushed, pushing her way free. "Later, all right? Poor Sarah is slowly dying to get to the sand." _And slowly dying watching us panting after each other. _Self-control_, Rachel._

Sarah nodded, taking her pass back. "Can I keep it? Or do I have to give it back when I leave?"

"Well, you bought it with your train ticket, princess, so yes, you can keep it," Rachel reassured her.

Ilana raised her eyes to the heavens and shook her head. "Thank goodness, not like that girl has enough souvenirs from this trip. Every receipt and stub is in her bag already."

Sarah frowned. "Hey, it's a big deal! I've never been here before, this is fun." She gasped as she saw the beach. "Oh, wow, Ma. Look at the ocean!"

Rachel grinned, standing back to allow Ilana and Sarah past her. _I remember that feeling. _"Just head to the left, Sarah, you'll see the surfers."

_Now that she's gone..._Noah grabbed Rachel again, tucking her head under his chin. "You're really good to them, Rach. Thank you."

She looked up at him with a small smile. "I've always loved your family, Noah, it was _you _who was questionable." _And that's only because I didn't want to let myself believe it..._

_Oh, really? After all that wanting someone else to be insecure about this? _He narrowed his eyes at her. "Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Now you're in for it. Especially knowing your bikini is on under there…" He hauled her up and over his shoulder, charging down the ramp to the sand.

"Noah?" Rachel bit her lip, fighting to catch his gaze. _He wouldn't…_"Noah, I was kidding, I - " Her heart thudded as the water approached. _He would, he totally would. _"Noah!"

Will and Dan stood back, laughing, as Noah kicked off his shoes and made for the water. "Oh, our poor girl…" Dan bit his lip as Rachel kicked and shrieked.

Will shook his head. "She brought it on herself, darling, she'll be fine. He wouldn't dunk her, I don't - _oh_, maybe he _would_..."

Rachel squealed as Noah took her further out. _This is what I get for pushing my luck! _She laughed helplessly. "All right, all right, I always did, I never stopped, _Noah!"_

He grinned, turning her in his arms. _That feels so damn good to hear. _He kissed her. "Was that so tough?"

She smacked at his arm. _It's only fair when I forced him to admit he wasn't so sure he'd prevail over my will. _"You _know _it was, now stop it and let me down."

He kissed her again and obliged, setting her on her feet. "That was fun." _I don't mind the excuse to hold you close at all..._

She let out a huff that dissolved into giggles under his gaze. "Okay, _fine_, maybe a little." _Or a lot. I missed being in your arms like that..._

"You laugh, I win," he teased, taking her hand and kissing it. "Now let's get set up." _So we can get away from them..._

She shrugged. "It seems our families took care of that." She pointed to the blanket already laid out, Dan and Ilana unpacking their beach bags. _Better than them watching us, however. _"What do you think?" she called to them.

Sarah ran over, beaming. "I love it! The beach is amazing! Can we stay here all day?"

Rachel nodded. "I was under the impression that was the plan. We have to stay at least until Lori gets here with her boyfriend." _And hopefully she doesn't send me out to sea..._She smiled at Sarah. "But we can stay as long as you want. We can even have dinner here before we go back to the city."

Sarah turned to her mother. "Can we? Please?"

Ilana raised a brow. "What would you do if I said no, hmm? Would you even get back on the train with me?"

Sarah looked around at the group. "Um...if I _had _to?"

Will laughed. "Dinner here is fine, Ilana, there are a lot of great restaurants if you want to sit down, and there are showers here so we can all wash up." He looked Noah up and down. "I hope your jeans dry though, Noah."

Noah shrugged. "I'll live. I'm sure there are places we can sit outside and stuff."

Rachel patted him on the back. "Yes, there are. But maybe _next _time you'll know better than to run into the surf without rolling up your pants." She took off her sundress to reveal the turquoise bikini beneath.

Noah only grinned. "Hearing you squeal like that? Totally worth it." He leaned over to whisper, "If I can't make you _scream_, squealing will have to do." _For now, anyway._

_I'd rather be screaming..._Rachel flushed bright red. _"Noah! _Stop it."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Okay, I don't wanna know. I'm going to go watch the surfers, bye!"

Ilana raised a brow. "You certainly have a way with your sister, Noah." She smiled at Rachel. "I'll mind her, you and Noah just...enjoy." She turned her gaze to her son. _"Legally_, though. Don't let me catch you sneaking under the boardwalk."

Noah pouted. "Well, damn. There go all my plans." _Unless you just don't _catch _me..._

Rachel and Ilana looked at each other, and smacked him in the arms.

* * *

Lori yawned and stretched, settling into her boyfriend's arm. "Why do you think she decided to go to the beach?"

Connor shrugged, kissing her head. "It's Labor Day weekend, babe. It's not a crazy idea. I'm just hoping there are some decent waves to catch."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Yeah, the beach is definitely my main competition." She glared up at the surfboard in the overhead rack. "If you didn't look so hot out there surfing…"

Connor chuckled. "You know there's no competition, Lor, but thanks for the compliment." He squeezed her lightly. "Would you rather I surf when we go to the beach together, or go to the gym every night?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Surfing it is. I'd rather see you on the weeknights, thank you very much."

"Well, there you go." He nudged her. "Besides, surfing season will be over soon enough."

Lori giggled. "Then you'll be stuck with me alllll weekend, alllllll the time."

Connor shook his head. "That's if our work schedules ease up like they're supposed to."

Lori frowned. "They will. They have to. I say so."

He grinned. "All bow before Lori Bernardo."

"Damn right." She sighed. "I wonder how Rach is doing, anyway. She sounded good on the phone, but she also uses Long Beach as like, therapy. _And_ she brought Will and Dan."

Connor shrugged. "You'll find out soon enough. Are you supposed to call her when we get there?"

Lori considered for a moment. "I don't know if we said I'd call. We can always just head for our usual spot, she probably steered them there."

"Fair enough." Connor looked out the window. "We're just about at Island Park, do we wanna grab food when we get there or anything?"

"'Cause someone decided to start the day off with some aerobics? Yeah, can we grab something quick? Grab bag from Ay Caramba?"

Connor nodded. "Flautas and spicy fries, maybe some guac and chips."

"Salsa and chips," Lori countered. "Guac will get all weird in the heat."

Connor laughed. "You think between the three of us, forget about Will and Dan, those things will survive? We may as well get both."

Lori shook her head. "You know Rach will have packed a whole damn veggie picnic. Flautas, fries, wings?"

Connor rolled his eyes. "Weren't we aiming for quick?"

Lori batted her eyelashes. "Pleaaaaaase?"

Connor chuckled. "Powerless against you. Flautas, fries, wings and guac. I get guac if you get wings."

Lori smiled. "Deal."

* * *

Lori snatched another chip from Connor's hands, shading her eyes with the other. "How do you let me leave without sunglasses?"

"Knowing Rachel carries an extra pair 'just in case' that you always end up using? I stopped paying attention," Connor teased.

Lori gasped theatrically. "You stopped paying attention to me?" She sniffled, still scanning the beach. "I can't understand how you would - oh, _no shit!"_

Connor looked around, confused. "What happened? Lor?"

She pointed the chip towards the green swim flag flying at the end of Monroe. _"That!"_

Connor followed her direction and burst out laughing.

* * *

Rachel lowered her sunglasses and blew out a breath. "Here we go," she muttered. _May the Bernardo be merciful..._

Noah followed the path of her eyes and snorted. "Rach, I think we're fine. Connor's surfboard backpack thing is going to smack him in the head, he's laughing so hard." _And he kinda looks like a nerd, so, bonus._

Rachel nodded. "But Lori is _not."_ She bit her lip as the Filipina stalked towards her. _I knew I should have just told her on the phone..._

_"You!"_ Lori stuck an accusing finger in Noah's laughing face. "And _you..." _She turned the complaining digit in Rachel's direction. "You...with _him!"_ She turned quickly. "Hi Will, hi Dan, how are you, I'm well thanks, 'scuse me while I yell at your daughter."

Dan giggled. "Ilana _did _say you would."

Lori frowned, looking up and around. "Mrs. Puckerman? Sarah too?"

_Will they save us somehow? _Noah pointed down the beach. "Surfers. Sarah's only seen 'em on TV."

Lori nodded. "Good, they won't have to witness this." She turned back to Rachel. "You. Walk. _Now."_

Rachel glanced at her friend, then reached in her bag and tossed her a pair of sunglasses. _Peace offering?_

Lori caught them, smirking. "Thanks, now _walk."_

_Guess not. _Rachel sighed and kissed Noah quickly, giggling at Lori's corresponding squawk. "Back in a bit."

Noah nodded, looking to Lori. "Be gentle, it's only _half_ her fault." _And I need her back in one piece._

Lori laughed as Rachel swatted his arm. "Careful, Puckerman, my girl can fight back now. We all taught her how."

Noah held up his hands. "I think I'm getting that idea." _I don't mind, but _damn. He rubbed at his arm. "Not even twenty-four hours and I'm gonna have a black and blue."

Rachel glared at him. "Then stop antagonizing me!" _Or drawing attention to the fact that just one night with you has turned me back into a monogamous nymphomaniac…_

He grinned. "But it's so easy, and you take it so well." _Not to mention taking _other_ things so well…_

Connor laughed. "She really _is_ going to kill you, you know."

"But I'd go happy." Noah took Rachel's hand and kissed her palm. _I really would. _"Totally content."

Rachel rolled her eyes, snatching her hand back with a smile she couldn't hide. "All right, let me take a walk with Lori. We'll be back." _With any luck, none the worse for wear…_Casting a hopeful smile at her best friend, Rachel led the way down to the water.

* * *

Ilana looked back towards the assemblage, laughing as Lori pointed from one person to another. "I told Rachel she shouldn't surprise her friend."

Sarah turned to see. "Ha, look, they're fine. And Noah's being extra good."

Ilana smiled. "As he should be, after all this. Someone could write a novel."

"Or a buttload of songs," Sarah countered. "And oh, he kinda did."

Her mother chuckled. "All right, all right, it's true." She watched Rachel and Lori walk towards the shoreline and head in the opposite direction. "Well, there goes any hope of eavesdropping."

Sarah raised a brow. "Really, Ma? What were you going to hear from here to the waterline anyway?" She waved a hand at the numerous blankets and umbrellas surrounding them. "If you want to hear anything, you'd have to walk with them."

Ilana nodded slowly. "Want to go walk down by the water?"

"Ma!" Sarah shook her head. "No. No stalking Rachel." She giggled. "I think Noah did enough of that for all of us."

* * *

Noah watched the girls walk away, and turned to Connor. _Kinda awkward making small talk with Rachel's ex, but I'm gonna have to get used to it. _"Surfing, huh? Tough to learn?"

"At first, but it's the most efficient workout I know." Connor planted the board in the sand and deposited the bag of food with the Berry men. "They do lessons sometimes. Remind me to find out. If you survive to next summer, anyway."

"To infinity and beyond," Noah answered easily. "That's the plan." _As long as Rachel will have me._

"Here's hoping that this is the first of many good mornings, then." Connor held out a hand.

Noah shook it with a grin. _Awkward, but not tough. _"And here's to even greater ones."

* * *

Rachel took a deep breath. "So...have a good morning?" _Perhaps reminding her of that will soften her…_

Lori nodded. "Definitely. Always good to have a long weekend, time off, all that. Now spill."

_Damn it. _Rachel cleared her throat. _No hope of swiftly escaping this conversation. _"I...where would you like me to start?"

"Well. Last I spoke with you, you were telling me very adamantly how you did _not_ want a romantic reunion at the beach." Lori waved her arms. "Yet here we are with the Puckermans and Noah declaring his undying love!"

Rachel licked her lips. _She is absolutely correct. _"Lor -"

_"Yay!"_ Lori flung her arms around the startled diva. "I'm so thrilled!" she shrieked. "I'm so proud and I'm so happy! Finally!" She exhaled heavily. "Now, tell me everything that happened last night. Everything since you went to work."

Rachel blushed. _Can I skip the part where I drunkenly threw myself at him...and then equally drunkenly said there would be no sex? _"Maybe not 'everything'." _And then totally ignored that? Repeatedly?_

Lori squealed. "With that blush? _Everything!"_

* * *

Will raised a brow, peering out over the edge of his sunglasses. "So, can we just talk about how you'd said Rachel was wearing the Marilyn today?"

Dan shrugged. "That's what she said. Obviously _some_one changed her mind. And let's not think about why..." He blew out a breath. "But all's well that ends well, no?"

Will considered the various clusters of their group around the beach. "Who says anything is ending?" He smiled as Lori threw her arms around Rachel. "From that response, I'd guess this is the start of a bunch of double dates and maybe if we're lucky, we can get in every once in a while."

Dan frowned at his husband. "You think we'd survive dinner with those four? We'd be like referees."

Will snorted. "And that's different from every day how, exactly?"

Dan giggled. "Touché. But it is the end of the summer. That at least is true."

Will nodded. "Which means nothing once they're in college."

Dan pouted. "It means no more lifeguards here."

Will raised a brow. "Okay...we're not exactly in the water, though. Nor do we really ever make it past the sand."

Dan huffed. "I'm trying to be sentimental here!"

Will chuckled. "Sorry, love, I don't mean to ruin your moment. Should I be sad?"

Dan pushed his sunglasses back up with a sniff. "I suppose not. I was just trying to reflect on what a significant turning point this is, and I get nothing from you. _Nothing."_

Will fought down another laugh. "I can give you something," he muttered.

"William!" Dan gasped, smacking Will's arm. "You watch yourself."

He grinned. "I think I'd rather watch you."

Dan gasped again. "William, how can you say something like that when we're in public?"

Will raised a brow. "The kids can find their way home, easily."

Dan bit his lip. "You're incorrigible."

Will guffawed. "Now we're Rachel and Noah."

It was Dan's turn to grin. "In that case, want to pretend we have to make up for four years of lost time?"

Will grabbed his husband and kissed him.

* * *

Noah raised a brow at the Berry men. _Is everyone besides me going to get laid today?_ He shook his head, shedding his jeans. He tossed his shirt towards Rachel's bag and looked to Connor. "So you gonna get out there?"

Connor grinned. "Oh yeah. Lori and Rach will know where I'll be." He paused. "Is this the point where I have to threaten you with bodily harm if you hurt Rachel again?"

Noah snorted. "Probably, yeah. I'll consider it done." _You and everyone else in the Peanut Gallery today._

Connor nodded. "Sounds good." He chuckled, walking a few feet from the blanket to look at the surfers. "I still can't believe that all those years ago, if she'd just turned to see where I was looking..."

Noah held up a hand. _If I thought like that, I'd lose my mind. _"It happened how it needed to happen, for both of us." He narrowed his eyes. _Not even…there was more than just me and Rach at play._ "Actually, for all _four_ of us, I think." He nodded over to where Rachel and Lori walked along the shore, water lapping their feet. "You got with her best friend."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Yes, you don't think I realize how bizarre that is?" He shrugged. "We both fought it. And Rach."

Noah laughed. "Of course she would try to set you guys up. Rach is always trying to fix people." _Whether they want her to or not, and with or without their help._

Connor smiled slowly, unzipping the board bag. "And aren't _you_ one to talk about her fixing things. I am pretty certain you were the main project of her high school years."

Noah sighed. "Yeah, it just took me a while to pick up on it. But quit with the subject change, you can tell me I'm an ass later." _Or skip it entirely._ He considered for a moment. "Tell me Rach did the 'let's go to the movies' and didn't show."

Connor barked a laugh. "Okay, so maybe you _are_ her match." He planted his board in the sand and surveyed the waves. "She did that, then called to apologize for being held up by work -"

Noah snorted. _I know how this story goes…_

"Yes, I take it you see what she was doing." Connor grinned. "As an apology for standing us up, she made dinner reservations..."

"...that she _also_ no-showed for." Noah rubbed his hands over his head. _Some things never change._

"Correct." Connor looked towards the girls and smiled. "Lori and I spent the first half of dinner talking about how outraged we were, and the second half drinking our outrage."

Noah frowned. "Not sounding good." _Though outrage and alcohol sometimes make interesting things happen, I guess._

Connor shook his head. "Yes, I realize that. But Rachel's patience had pretty much run out by that time. She'd been trying to get us together for months. She texted both of us -" He nodded back to the Berrys and the beach bags. "We both still have the text. She said 'Just kiss already. If it's awful, tell me and I'll leave you alone.'" Connor smiled at the memory. "She timed it perfectly - we were leaving the restaurant and we were both inebriated enough that when we got the text -"

Noah burst out laughing. "You guys were drunk enough that you did it, huh?" _A dare, Rach? Really? Took a page out of my book…_

"Oh, we did." Connor licked his lips. "We did and..." He shrugged. "Let's just say Rachel discovered her ploy worked when Lori's mother called her looking for Lor...the next morning."

Noah smirked. "Nice." _And I hope you both realize how lucky you are Rach is an actress to get a call like that._

"Oh, more than." Connor raised a brow at Noah. "Considering the blush Rachel was working with, you know all about those kind of nights."

Noah grinned, slipping a hand in his pocket as he looked over to watch them walking. _Love you._ "Hoping to do it again soon."

* * *

Rachel bit her lip as she walked with Lori. "Well, if it's everything, I'm going to need some privacy." She glanced around, catching Ilana, Sarah, and the boyfriends watching. _I don't miss the irony of feeling shy _now_, but…_"It's - it was -"

Lori grabbed her hand and tugged her along. "It was what? Amazing? Unreal?" She shook her head. "I just really want to know how he even got close to you."

Rachel snorted. "Ask Noah about his new part-time job." _Actually…if only Brent would move on…_

Lori frowned. "His new..." Her jaw dropped. "Wait, you had a double at the Prom yesterday..."

Rachel nodded. "I did indeed." She shook her head. "I was rehearsing a new number for the show and he just..." _Seduced me, swept me off my feet, and proved he could be everything I dreamed…_She closed her eyes. "He came out of the bar and climbed the stage and started singing to me."

Lori laughed. "Oh my God! How did he even get _in?"_

_How _did _he? _Rachel shrugged. "Good question, I didn't even think about it." _So odd._ "But Ty wanted to try to shake me - he and I had sparred a little about the band keeping up with me. I think this was his way of trying to get me flustered." _In the end, I'm a sight more than flustered. _She stopped, shaking her head. "Who randomly starts mashing up Into the Groove and Against All Odds?"

Lori frowned as she considered. "Two keys, different time signatures..." She shrugged. "A music comp major?"

Rachel giggled. "I suppose yes." _You would know. _She started walking again. "Ty ate it up, he took Noah back to the office to talk to him about working there." _As I slowly lost my mind._

Lori raised a brow. "And you didn't run screaming or tell Ty he was a stalker? You just let it happen?"

Rachel bit her lip. "I - yes." _Be honest, this is your best friend._ "Yes, I let it happen. Noah is - has _always_ been - tremendously talented, and I could never allow myself to stand in his way. Ty did ask...and I said we could work together." _Which should have been a substantial clue to my changing opinion._

Lori's eyes went wide. "You did? _Rach!"_ She shoved her friend's shoulder. "And you say you had no idea you still loved him. Liar liar pants on fire."

Rachel smirked. "Good thing I'm not wearing pants then, all right?" _I know Noah agrees…_She smothered a laugh. "I just couldn't - _regardless_ of our history - impede Noah's efforts to begin a career and support himself here in New York."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. You go ahead and tell yourself that."

Rachel sighed heavily. "Lori, you already know the end of the story is Noah and me reuniting. Can you _please_ let me tell the story?" _And while we're negotiating, may I also leave out the evening's conclusion? _She smiled prettily. "You know that I ultimately realized that our connection was still there, obviously. I'm telling the story as it happened, with my frame of mind at that moment."

"Translation: I can laugh at you later. Okay!" Lori smiled and hooked her arm through Rachel's. "Continue."

Rachel shook her head, giggling. _And she will, too. _"You are…"

"Exactly the type of friend you need." Lori gave a toothy grin. "Won't let you get away with crap, but I actually love you. So. You, Noah, Ty, Prom, singing. What happened after that?"

"Ty wanted to hear Noah and I sing something else together." Rachel bit her lip again. _You'll know exactly what significance this has…_"So we sang 'No Air' acapella, and -"

"Wait. You guys sang 'No Air'." Lori grabbed her arm and shook it. "Of _all the songs _in the world, wasn't that the one you told me about with the whole -"

"Swaying like props?" Rachel nodded. _As I expected you to recall. _"Someone somewhere was definitely messing with me. Yes." She blew out a breath. "Noah even remembered the choreography." _What little there was, with Mr. Schue at the helm._

Lori burst out laughing. "Seriously? So you're, where, Ty's office? The stage? Singing and dancing with Noah Puckerman, exactly where you _never_ wanted to be."

"Ty's office, and yes, yes, I was." _At the time, in any event. _Rachel drew a deep breath. "After we had finished, I went to change and Chelsea - "

"Chelsea the Maneater? The one who's always stringing along the bartender?" Lori rolled her eyes.

"That would be the one." Rachel wrapped her arms around herself. _The one and only._

Lori narrowed her gaze at her friend. "She wanted Noah."

Rachel snorted a laugh and nodded. "She wanted Noah, precisely." She shrugged. _Not that I can blame her, exactly. _"Chelsea wanted us to hang out for drinks anyway, and when she spotted Noah in the crowd, she immediately set her sights on him."

"What did you do?" Lori raised a brow. "Did you let her at him?"

Rachel shrugged again. "I didn't _let_ her anything. He's not my property at all." _Though I wouldn't have minded the opportunity to slap her in her smug cheating little – _She cleared her throat. "I changed, went to the bar to have a drink with the cast, and Brent -"

"Ohhhhh, give me a break." Lori made a face. "He _still_ wouldn't take a hint?"

Rachel smiled. _You know he wouldn't. _"Not even close. He bought me a drink and coerced me onto the dance floor."

Lori rolled her eyes. "So Brent's trying to get you, Chelsea's trying to get him, and no dice on either end."

Rachel pursed her lips. "I wasn't exactly in the most coherent frame of mind, but no, nothing for either of us. I..." She frowned quickly, shaking her head. _How _did_ he get away from Chelsea? And _why? "I never even asked him about that."

Lori smacked her arm. "What does it matter? So what happened? Did he cut in and punch Brent and carry you off like a caveman?"

Rachel kicked at the sand. "No, he didn't carry me off anywhere." _Though he could have…_She blushed, looking to the side. "I...Brent told me that Chelsea 'struck out' and when I looked over and saw him..."

Lori grinned. "Did the room go slow motion and you ran to him?"

"The room went alcohol blurred and I made out with him." Rachel bit back the smile. _Wait for it…_

_"What?!"_

* * *

Noah and Connor both glanced over at the girls.

"Did you hear that?" Connor squinted at the pair. "Was that Lor?"

Noah grinned as Rachel blushed deep red and stopped walking. "Uh, yeah, I think it was." _I wonder what they're talking about._

Connor raised a brow. "Do I want to know?"

_I know _I _do…_Noah shrugged. "Well, if she's telling Lori how the night went...it was kind of interesting how you just add alcohol and Rach turns into a totally different person."

Connor snorted. "Don't remind me. We discussed this."

Noah held up his hands. "True, we did." _Not my fault, but can't say I'm mad about it. _"But it factored in last night, and I'm sure that's what Lori is responding to."

Connor frowned. "How _much_ did it factor in?"

Dan spoke up from his perch on Will's chest. "Relax, Connor. She was home and safe and didn't want him to go or we would've kicked him out in a heartbeat."

Will kissed his husband's head. "Honey, you could have at least _pretended_ to not be listening."

Noah and Connor laughed.

Connor shook his head. "By this point, we're used to the Berry family, Will. It's fine."

Noah raised a brow. "You too? I thought I was the only one who got the full-on Berry treatment." _I might even be a little hurt._

Connor chuckled. "Oh, you got all of them, I only had to deal with the one." He gave a half-smile. "But that one was more than enough, wouldn't you say?"

Noah laughed. _Do you have any clue who you're talking to?_ "After all this time, I think it's pretty safe to say there's no such thing as enough Rach for me."

"Can I throw up now?" Sarah threw herself down on the blanket.

Ilana rolled her eyes. "No, you can't, because that's actually sweet." Ilana held out a hand. "I'm guessing you're Connor?"

He shook her hand with a smile. "Yes ma'am, Mrs. Puckerman. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too." Ilana looked him up and down. "I have to say I'm glad you and Rachel broke up before Noah got here, it would have been a fight."

"Ma!" Both Noah and Sarah groaned at her comment, while Connor blushed.

"What? He's a very -" She turned to Connor. "You're a very handsome young man. Not that I would want you for my Rachel -"

"_Your_ Rachel?" Dan raised a brow and lowered his sunglasses. "I know what you're hoping, Ilana, but give me some time to adjust to having to share my daughter."

Ilana pressed a hand to her heart. "Oh, Daniel, yes, of course. But Rachel has been family for Noah and for Sarah. I should thank you for raising such a beautiful soul."

Will snorted a laugh. "Flattery works for some things, but our Rachel is beyond precious. Dan might need a bit of time, though I will also remind my lovely husband that we've been hoping Rachel would take a leap for a while now."

* * *

"You kinda went off the deep end then, huh?" Lori shook her head, laughing at Rachel's blush. "Rach, _relax_, teasing."

Rachel nodded, running her hands through her hair. "I know, it's just...I _did_ totally reverse course last night." _Completely going against everything I'd said I'd do…_

Lori held up a hand. "Uh, _no_. You finally moved _forward_, sweetheart, and not a moment too soon."

Rachel raised a brow, kicking lightly at the surf. "Oh? What does _that_ mean?" _There was a deadline?_

Lori shrugged. "He was switching out of your class and we were all on board with you giving it another shot. You thought you were bombarded _before?"_

Rachel giggled. _Well, when you present it _that_ way…_"Point again." She took a deep breath. _Let's see how far I get without being interrupted…_"We kissed, I mauled him in the dressing room -"

"Rachel!" Lori smacked her in the arm. "At _work?"_

_What do you - _"No!" Rachel gasped. _Lori! _"Goodness no, I -" _May_ _have wanted to..._"I would never cross that line -"

Lori shrugged with a smirk. "Maybe don't say that with such conviction, you never know what might change..."

"Lor!" Rachel gaped at her friend. _You can't mean…_"Please tell me you and Connor haven't -"

Lori looked back towards the blanket with a grin. "Not yet, but not for lack of trying. iHeart more than just radio...that theater would be _awesome_ to -"

Rachel closed her eyes and shook her head. _Why did I even venture to ask…_"No. Stop there. I have been to shows in that theater." She raised a brow. "Besides, your sex life or mine?"

Lori cackled with laughter. _"Yours,_ oh my God." She grabbed her friend's arm and shook her. "I cannot believe you said that." She snorted. "I cannot believe you have a _sex life_ again!"

Rachel paused, shoulders shaking with giggles. _Now that you mention it…_"Do you _really _want to talk about the last time I had a sex life?"

Lori smacked her in the arm again. "Don't even, _you_ set us up, remember?"

Rachel rolled her eyes, tugging Lori further away from the group. _How could I forget? _"Of course, and you didn't make it easy."

Lori rolled her eyes in return. "Did you not just comment on the squick factor of it? Okay then."

Rachel could only smile. _I do believe you started. _"Fine, back to the topic at hand. I'll just tease you about dinner later."

Lori glared a warning at her friend. "There is _nothing_ to talk about."

Rachel's grin only widened. "No, nothing at all to talk about. It's not like you blurted out the night before how you wished you could just kiss him and find out what it was like...and then I offered to call him and tell him...and you said, 'we'll see what happens tomorrow' and 'damn that boy for not just asking me out on a date' and 'if only we just happened to be alone together'..." _And so I created the opportunity for that to happen…and encouraged you to take the next step…_

Lori gasped indignantly. "Rachel! We promised never to speak of it again. I blame you - there was _lots_ of wine, and I let my guard down…"

Rachel laughed, squeezing her friend's arm. "Weren't you the one telling me that's what friends did? Talk about everything? No filter?" _Besides, you and I both know you really wanted me to intervene…_

Lori narrowed her eyes at Rachel. "Right, but there are still things that should be sacred!"

Rachel paused, pivoting on her heel. "You're right, Lori, you're absolutely right." _Two can play this game._ "So, that said, we didn't do more than kiss in the dressing room, I got water and Noah made sure I ate a little something as well, so I wasn't overly inebriated, and then we went back to the apartment, where we finished discussing our relationship issues and reunited. The end."

Lori grabbed Rachel's arm and pulled them to a halt. "No! _No_, you don't get to shortcut this. Not after all these years of heartache and back and forth and agonizing on _all_ our parts…"

Rachel shrugged, eyes wide with mock shock. "No? But...you just said some things should be _sacred…_" _You should know better than to provide a semantic opportunity…_

Lori turned a laser gaze on the other diva. _"Some_ things. Like how many times and how many different positions. _That's_ sacred. But there's no way you go from mauling him in the dressing room to happily ever after without more detail than 'it happened'!"

Rachel sighed dramatically. "Can't blame me for trying." _Even if we both know I wasn't going to prevail._

"Uh, _yes_, I _can_." Lori shook her head. "So, you were mauling him in the dressing room…"

Rachel pursed her lips. _Perhaps I should have chosen a different descriptor. _"And then Noah - "

"Wait." Lori looked over to the blanket, raising a brow. "_Noah_ was the one who stopped you from groping him."

Blushing, Rachel nodded. "He was. He told me as much as he wanted me, he didn't want me drunk and regretting it later." She glanced back. _I should remember to thank him for that again._ "Accordingly, we got water and he made sure I ate something while we walked and talked."

"Oh my God." Lori shook her head. "If that's not crazy in love with you, I don't know what is."

Rachel smiled. _You're telling _me? "I know."

* * *

Noah rolled his eyes. "I hate that they're looking at us and I have no idea what they're saying." _It's gonna be good. All good. It's gotta be._

Connor scoffed. "Get used to it, those two are trouble when they get together."

Noah snorted. "That I already knew. But I hate knowing I'm being talked about." _Like high school all over again._

Ilana chortled. "Oh, Noah, I love you but you and Rachel have both been discussed by all of us - either individually or as a unit, and with and without your participation in the conversation." She gestured towards the surfers. "Go do something, they'll be back when they're ready."

Connor shrugged and grabbed his board. "Waves look good. I'm going to go out there and take a few. If you walk down to the other side of the flags, you can body surf and boogie board too." He started off towards the surf flag.

Noah followed behind, gesturing Sarah to join them. "And if I had a boogie board or knew how to body surf, I would." _Especially if Rach enjoys watching it. _He quirked a brow. "Lakes don't really lend themselves to boogie boarding or body surfing."

Connor paused. "Touché. Growing up around here spoils you, I guess. Never stopped to think about it."

Noah nodded. "Yeah, not really part of my repertoire. Yet." _Can't wait to try it._

"Take video of him learning so I can laugh at him, okay?" Sarah smiled at Connor. "Please?"

Noah grabbed his sister in a mock chokehold. "Listen here, munchkin, I'm the older brother - I get to laugh at you, not the other way around." _Especially now that I'm not a fuck-up._

Connor laughed. "I'm afraid I have to agree with your brother, Sarah. I have a little sister too, and those are the big brother little sister rules. No blackmail unless you get the footage yourself."

Sarah frowned. "That's not fair, I don't live anywhere near here." She folded her arms. "Hey...would it be different if I were a boy? Because if it's being his little sister that protects him, that's totally misogynistic and completely unacceptable."

Connor raised a brow at Noah. "Mini-Rachel happen often?"

Sarah huffed. "I am right here. Why not ask me?"

Noah laughed. "I think you just got your answer." _Not a bad thing at all._

Connor nodded. "That I did." He turned to meet Sarah's gaze. "I do have a little brother, and the same rule applies to him." He gave a half smile. "But he would also just follow me places when we were little, before he even realized the value of it."

Sarah snorted a laugh. "I tried that too, but Noah stopped it real fast."

It was Noah's turn to snort with laughter. "Trust me, Sar, it was a good thing." _Definitely nothing I'd want you to see._

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I figured that out later on, thanks." She turned to Connor. "Fine, I'll just ask Rachel. She'd do it."

Noah and Connor looked at each other.

Connor shrugged. "You know the answer to that as well as I do."

Noah sighed. "Yeah, she totally would. Laughing the whole time." _And I'd let her._

Sarah smiled smugly. "Exactly." She looked over towards Lori and Rachel and smiled.

* * *

"So. He's sobering you up." Lori hooked arms with Rachel. "We can head back in their direction – I'm pretty sure we're close to the part that you can leave to my imagination." She raised a brow. "What did you talk about?"

Rachel chuckled. "_Everything_. Lori, he wanted to get everything out in the open and he wanted me sober to do it, to hear it. And…" _I really _do _have to thank him later. _She took a deep breath. "And he even let me yell at him, rage at him, and let all of it out."

"Finally, again. _Finally." _Lori tucked her head into Rachel's shoulder. "How good did it feel to tell him everything you were holding for all that time?"

Rachel rested her head on Lori's. "Like letting a weight off my shoulders that I had been carrying too long." _Like you all told me it would._

"Say it. Just once." Lori peered up at her, batting her eyelashes. "You heard him out, you said your piece, and it changed everything. Just tell me _one time…_"

Rachel giggled. "You were _right_, Lor. Note it on the calendar. I should have let him talk, I should have listened, and I should have unburdened myself sooner." _Whether then or now, though, I'm so grateful I did._

"_Ahhhh_." Lori sighed in satisfaction. "I really _am_ going to mark it on the calendar."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I would expect nothing less." _But if there was ever anything to be wrong about, this is just fine._

Lori raised a brow. "So, then you came home and..."

"And..." She paused. _She is so going to kill me…_Rachel twirled a length of hair through her fingers. "And maybe went through the portfolio some more..."

Lori picked her head up to stare at Rachel in disbelief. "The portfolio. _Really_, Rachel?"

"Hey!" Rachel frowned. "When we were talking, we realized by not finishing his portfolio, I missed some of his growth." _Again, as you all had been insisting. _"So when we got back, I asked him what I needed to hear to get the rest of it, to see the evolution. And so he played me two songs. Which were..."

"Beautiful, perfect and all about you." Lori eyed her friend. "And then did you jump him?"

Rachel blushed. _Pretty much._

"Woohoo!" Lori crowed. "How Rachel got her groove back, ladies and gentlemen." She bumped Rachel with her hip and grinned. "And now look at the fine manly men we have."

Rachel beamed, waving at Noah and Sarah. "We do indeed." _Though I would have to say, mine is just perfect for me._ "I suspect Connor is already out there?"

Lori scanned the surfers floating in wait. "Yup, I see his fine self out there." Lori nudged Rachel again. "How much better can you get than this?"

* * *

Ilana sighed and smiled. "This trip could not have been better if I tried. William, Daniel, we have done well."

Will laughed. "Other than support them, I don't quite know what else we've done."

Dan rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, we kept Rachel sane and raised her to have a good heart. Even if her stubborn head gets in the way. As for Noah, Ilana laid the groundwork and you, my darling husband, nurtured the seed of the man he could be. Et voila!" He gestured to the crew watching Connor surf. "_So this is love, hmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmmm_..."

Will chuckled. "All right, Cinderella, your points are well taken. As well as the unspoken point that Rachel's talent did not come from us."

Dan smacked his husband in the arm. "You are really trying to make me mad."

Ilana laughed. "So _that's_ where Rachel gets it from - any time Noah was getting too fresh, she'd give him a slap on the arm."

Dan flushed. "Guilty? I'll talk to her before she leaves bruises."

Ilana rolled her eyes. "Oh please, no need. I somehow doubt Noah would mind the proof Rachel is touching him again." She paused. "Could I rephrase that?"

The three dissolved into giggles as Dan shook his head. "Not a chance, Ilana, not a chance."

* * *

Rachel smiled. "You really can't ask for more." She giggled as they approached Noah and Sarah. "Unless you're Noah. Who I believe would have preferred everyone else go to the beach without us." _And who is not alone in that desire. Among others._

Noah reached out a hand for hers, smirking. "Damn right I would've. Sorry, Sar." _But the things I would do to you, baby…_

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. I think we kinda got that idea when you both kept... disappearing."

Lori gasped, laughing. "They did _not."_

Sarah snorted. "Uh, _yeah_, they _did_. Well, first they tried not to let on they were awake. And then they disappeared to get Rachel's beach bag...for like, twenty minutes, maybe?"

Lori eyed the couple holding hands. "Yeah, I think you're right about the 'disappearing' act, Sarah. Sorry on behalf of my crazy friend."

Rachel blushed. "I already apologized to all of them!" _Don't pretend that you don't actually _approve_…_

Noah chuckled. "It's okay, Rach. They're too happy we're together to really be mad. We'll just make sure to give them a better distraction when we try to disappear again." _And we will._

Sarah raised a brow. "Didn't Mom say -"

Noah rolled his eyes. _Mini-Rachel be damned, you're still a Puckerman. _"Mom says a lot, Sar. How much do _you_ want to listen to?"

Sarah folded her arms. "I may not want to listen, but I still do."

"Because you don't have a _choice_," Noah pointed out. "You telling me you want to hang out with me all day?" _You can try, but I won't believe you._

Sarah scoffed. "No, but _Rachel_, I want to hang on to."

Lori giggled. "You guys realize you're ridiculous, right? You're not getting _anywhere_ on their watch. They're _waiting_ for it."

Noah grinned. "Like I said, we'll just have to be sure they have a better distraction." _Like dinner._

Lori shook her head. "You're gonna need a conspirator, Puckerman, and I don't know if Raggedy Ann over there is going to be much help."

Sarah frowned. "Raggedy Ann? Who?"

Rachel glared at her friend, fighting a smile. _Gee, thanks for the instant blush inducement. _"Raggedy Ann was a rag doll, Sarah...with big red circles for her cheeks. Haha, Lori, funny, yes, I've had quite enough scrutiny of my renewed…" She bit her lip and mouthed an apology to Sarah. "Seriously, enough. Go ogle your boyfriend."

Lori wagged her eyebrows. "With pleasure. Sarah, wanna come with? I'll tell you what the moves are called."

Sarah nodded, casting a wary glance at her brother and Rachel. "Sure, okay."

Lori put her hand to her young charge's shoulder and steered her ahead, turning back to Rachel quickly. "Fifteen minutes," she mouthed. _"Sacred."_

Noah's hand on Rachel's tightened. _I don't wanna get my hopes up, but…_ "Did she just -"

Rachel bit her lip. _Damn it. _"Yes."

He grabbed her around the waist. "Let's move." _Now. Right now._

Rachel glanced back at their parents and around at the crowd. _Fifteen minutes_...She turned to her boyfriend. "Head back and left."

Noah grinned. "Wherever you want, Rach. I'm all yours." _I can't believe you're going along with this, I'll go wherever you tell me to…_

Rachel shivered. _I know_. She licked her lips and tugged him left towards the boardwalk ramp. "Is anyone looking?"

Noah pulled her into a hug, peering over her head. "Not that I see." _Hope that doesn't change…_

Rachel peeked over his shoulder. "Come on." She ducked under the boardwalk and quickly jogged left into a corner. _I think this is it…_"This is the best spot to..." She blushed.

Noah chuckled. "Don't finish that sentence." _Seriously, don't. _"Bad enough that I know you've been here before with -"

Rachel shook her head. "Not me, not with him. _Lori_." _I should have led with that, shouldn't I?_ She tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. "I - she just shares and I remember, so -"

It was Noah who shook his head. "Even better. Now quit wasting time." _We did enough of that already. _He wrapped his arms around her and hauled her in, kissing her softly. "_Years_, Rach." He kissed her again. "Years thinking about you and what I did to us." _And I'm so fucking sorry. _He kissed her more deeply. "Of thinking about how much I must have hurt you." _And how I'm never gonna do it again if I can help it. _He stroked her cheek softly. "Years of not kissing you." _And wondering who was…_He nibbled her bottom lip, groaning at her whimper. He trailed his mouth across her cheek to lick at her ear. "Years of not hearing those sexy sounds you make..." _Let me hear it, baby…_

Rachel moaned, splaying her hands across his chest. _Too long, far too long…_"Noah..."

"_Fuck_ yes, that." He claimed her mouth urgently, trapping her hands between them. _It's like I wasn't breathing until I heard that again..._"Just say my name like that forever, okay?" He nipped at her lips, his hands roaming up and down her body. "Rach..."

_Bikini for the...mmm...for the win…_Rachel threw her head back as his lips trailed down her collarbone. "Noah..."

_Fuck yes_. Noah dragged her bikini top down, exposing her breasts. _Thank you for the wardrobe change…_He licked and nibbled at the offered flesh. "Big upgrade from a dressing room," he managed hoarsely.

Rachel clutched the back of his head. _Big upgrade from dreaming this…_"Mm-_hmmm_..."

He licked softly at a nipple, catching it lightly between his teeth and looking up at her. _Fuck yes. I just want to burn how you look right now into my brain..._He switched his attention to the other breast, growling when her eyes fell shut.

Rachel moaned low in her throat, hands sliding from his head to his shoulders. _You feel so damn good…_

_Rach..._Noah slipped a hand into her bikini bottom, sliding under elastic to cup her. _I want to just feel you and taste you and…_every_thing…_

_"Oh!"_ Rachel's hands turned to claws as she shuddered against him. _I can't…I'm going to lose my mind…_"N-_Noah..."_

"Shhhh." He started to suck at her nipple, rubbing the same rhythm against her core. "You're wetter than the fucking ocean," he rasped. _I love it, I love knowing I can do that to you…_

"Please, Noah - I - _please_..." Rachel whimpered desperately, knees buckling erratically. _I'm burning alive, I'm so empty…_"I - I need -"

He licked at her slowly, tongue tracing a circle around her areola. _Oh, I know, Rach…_"I know, I do too, but I need to make you crazy first."

"I _am_, I - _ohhhhh_..." Rachel trailed off, her mouth dropping open as he scraped his teeth across to the other breast. _Please don't stop, just…"Noah..."_

_My name, like that, forever. _He resumed sucking, moving his hand to rub her clit.

_"Noah!"_ Rachel arched against him hard, shaking as her orgasm burned through her. _Love you, love you, love you…_

_Fuck yes._ He picked her up with his free arm and hoisted her down to the sand, hand and mouth still working her.

Rachel scratched at his back, incoherent sounds pouring from her throat. "N-N-Noah, p-_please_..." _More, I need more…_She jerked as another wave of ecstasy swept her under. "_Please_," she groaned. "So _empty_…"

_Fuck, Rach…_Noah reached into his pocket, finding the stashed condom and flipping it to her. _I'm gonna lose my shit just from the things you say…_He kept his hand working against her center, his teeth and tongue greedy on her body.

Rachel fumbled to tear it open, yanking at his trunks as fireworks burst in her blood. _Keep it together, just long enough to get this…_She grabbed for his cock desperately, rolling the condom on and stroking his length.

"_Fuck_, Rach..." Noah pulled back with a growl. "You're gonna make me come, the things you say to me, just feeling your hands on me again..." _And I wanna make you come, just as hard, just as fast…_

"I want to feel more than that, _please_, Noah..." Blushing furiously, Rachel reached between them to tug her bottoms off and guide his shaft towards her. _I'm under the boardwalk, practically naked, and I just want more…_

Noah moved his hand to let her slide him inside. _So damn good…_"Rachel..."

"Noah..." She groaned. _You feel so good, so right…_"Oh, _Noah_..."

Noah curled his toes into the sand, hands clenched to fists. _You are not gonna lose your shit, Puckerman, get a fucking - _"Oh, _fuck,_ Rach..."

Rachel grinned, biting her lower lip between her teeth as she circled her hips again. _I want to make _you_ just as crazy as you make me…_"That - that was the pl-_ahhh_..."

Noah withdrew to the tip again, gazing down at her. _I've got plans of my own, damn it. _"Do you have any idea what you do to me? I'm about to come like a kid, just with one circle of your hips." He eased back in. "You feel _so fucking good."_ _So tight, and so fucking hot, and just…_right…He cupped her cheek, kissing her deeply. "Love you."

Rachel moaned. "Love you too_ooooo_…" _Don't stop, don't stop…_

Noah smiled against her lips. "I'm _never_ gonna get tired of hearing that." _Not from you, not when I almost never did again. _He tightened his arm under her, grinding into her.

Rachel shuddered. "Noah...I..._oh, Noah_…" _I'll never get tired of saying it, just…_She clenched her inner muscles. "_Please_…"

Noah groaned. _Not gonna lose it…_"Rach, you're gonna make me –" He grunted. _Hold your shit…_"I want to make you feel good, just -"

_You already have…_She clutched at his back, kissing his face. _Don't you know that? _"You feel so good, Noah, I already feel a-_ahhhh_-mazing…"

Noah licked at her breasts again, nipping at the taut buds and increasing the pace of his thrusts. "Good, I'm gonna make you feel _better_." He rotated his hips this time, chuckling hoarsely at her gasp. "Yeah, we _both_ like that…"_I wanna make you lose your mind…_

Rachel nodded, head tossing against the sand. _I love everything you're doing…_"Please, just…"

_I love hearing you beg…_Pulling almost completely out of her, he thrust back in hard. "Just _what?"_

A guttural sound broke from her throat. _"That,_ oh, Noah, _please_…" She lifted her hips towards him.

_Only for you, Rach, only…_He repeated the motion, the force of his hips pushing her into the sand. "You mean _that?"_

She nodded again. "Yes, Noah, please, I want - " _You, only you, all of you…_She arched up into his thrust. "_Please_…"

He groaned. _For you, not me, not yet…_"Baby, I'm trying _not _to -"

She cupped the back of his head. "Stop trying," she rasped, and bit at the cord of his neck. _All of you, everything, now…_

"Fuck!" Noah thrust in hard and deep. _I'm gonna lose my mind…_"Rach…" He started to lever his hips against her. "Now you're gonna get it."

"Mmm, I _hope_ so," she murmured with a grin. _I want it, I want you…_She licked a line up to his ear. "I'm counting on it."

Noah growled and turned his head to claim her mouth, moving hard and deep inside her. _Mine, never gonna let you go…_

"Noah…" She groaned into the kiss, wrapping her legs around him. _I can't – I'm going to -_

"_Rachel_…" Noah buried his head in the crook of her neck, biting and sucking as he thrust. _Come on, let me feel you…_He circled his hips, grinding his pelvis against her.

"Noah!" Rachel arched into him, stars sparking in her blood with her orgasm.

Noah clenched his teeth as her inner muscles milked him. "Fuck, _Rach_…" He managed one more thrust before he followed her into bliss.

* * *

Lori glanced behind her and waved Connor back out. "Fifteen minutes," she muttered. _"Minutes_, not dog years."

Sarah sighed. "At least Ma isn't looking for us. Yet."

Lori turned to Sarah and shook her head. "They don't give you nearly enough credit."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and neither do you."

Lori put an arm around Sarah's shoulders. "True. And I apologize for that. I won't do it again."

Sarah grinned. "I just like the idea of 'again'. Means I'll be back here."

"We may as well get you frequent flier memberships." She raised a brow and looked down at the younger girl. "Unless you think your mother would let everyone stay at your house? I don't exactly see Lima boasting a big hotel scene."

Wrinkling her nose, Sarah shook her head. "There _are _hotels, but...Mom wouldn't want them staying there...and I don't know if we'd survive having them, so...yeah, I think we'll be coming this way more than the other."

* * *

Ilana stretched and sighed. "William, Daniel, I cannot remember the last time I took a vacation. This has been a dream."

Will smiled. "It's definitely been an adventure. Glad you're enjoying yourself."

Ilana's eyes narrowed. "Speaking of enjoying yourself...where are those children of ours?"

Dan chuckled. "Still smarts, but better. As for where they are…" He glanced behind him to William. "Did they mention going to the concessions or anything?"

Will's eyes lit with a laugh. "I wouldn't be surprised."

"Noah always _did _have an appetite." Ilana shaded her eyes to scan the horizon.

Dan bit his lip, shaking Will's arm. "I'm sure Rachel wanted to shade her skin for a bit, they won't be far."

* * *

Rachel's eyes flew open wide, and she shook her head, giggling. _I cannot believe we just did that! _"Okay, that was maybe a _little _too far for me." She leaned up to kiss Noah, wrapping herself around him and squeezing tight. "But I don't regret it." She pulled back to look into his eyes. "Just...don't expect it to happen regularly."

Noah smirked. _Do you have any idea how hot that makes me? Shit, Rach. _"Yeah, maybe not during the day. But if we figure out the patrols at night…" _You basically guarantee I wanna get you to do this as much as possible. _He wagged his eyebrows suggestively.

"Noah!" She laughed, nuzzling his chest. _Love you. _"I see you haven't lost that streak of delinquency."

Noah reached behind him to retrieve her bikini bottoms, hooking them with a finger and dangling them over Rachel's face. "I believe these are yours? You _are_ still the secret exhibitionist." He leaned down to kiss her. "Don't you even _try _to tell me this was over the line, baby." _Every closet, the locker room, the choir room..._

Rachel blushed. _I was young and foolish and..._"Your fault _entirely_. Now let's get out there - I have an idea."

* * *

Connor shook the water from his body and the board, raising a brow at his girlfriend. "Hey, I'm taking a break. Do I need to -" He blew out a breath. "Never mind."

Rachel slid a glance at her boyfriend, giving her Italian ice a lick. "Multiple purposes." _Your fault too._

"Don't bother blushing with me, you little tease." _Love it. _Noah tightened his arm around her waist.

She giggled and offered up the cherry flavored cone. "I'll stop, I'm sorry." _I think I left my inhibitions under the boardwalk. _She leaned up and kissed his cheek. "We're not getting away from them from now until you take them to the airport, you know."

"I know." _But once they leave and the apartment is free..._He waved at the crew watching them from the shore. "Think Ma noticed we were gone?"

Rachel nodded. "Look at the relief on Connor and Lori's faces." _They look _extremely _relieved, actually…_"How long do you think we were?"

Lori glared. "More like twenty minutes. You're gonna have to tell me about five of them, then."

Sarah winced. "Okay, going back to the adults now. Gross."

* * *

Ilana frowned. "I think that's Sarah on her way back. What about the rest of them?"

Will peered over his sunglasses. "They're behind her, she probably didn't want to be the fifth wheel."

It was Dan leaning in to whisper. "As opposed to her mother, who is blissfully oblivious."

Will shook his head. "Not nearly that oblivious, but she'd rather pretend to be," he murmured back.

"How was the surfing?" Ilana stood and kissed her daughter's cheek. "Why did you leave them behind?"

Sarah plunked herself onto the blanket and grabbed a fry. "They're all...couple-y."

Will shrugged. "As we guessed."

_Good thing _I _guessed we should have a cover story..._Rachel squeezed the last of the Italian ice out of the paper cup and offered the melted cherry syrup to Noah. "What did you guess?"

"That you'd gone to the concession stand," Dan replied, raising a brow behind Ilana's view. "I trust you're...less heated?"

Rachel pinched Noah's waist. _I told you she would notice._ "I was starting to feel faint, so Noah brought me to the main building to cool off, and bought me an ice from the stand."

Noah kissed her head to cover his flinch. _I think the slap in the arm is better than that. _"Just glad you're better, baby."

"What a difference a day makes, twenty-four little hours," Lori sang lightly. "Sorry to gross you out, Sarah."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "I think I may just have to get used to it if we're gonna keep coming to visit." She paused to look at her mother. "We _are_ coming back to visit a lot, right?"

Ilana hugged her quickly. "Yes, my dear, we will be back. Just think how lucky we were to be in town when Noah and Rachel reunited!"

Sarah snorted, shooting a look at her brother and Rachel. "Yeah, we're lucky and so are they."

Noah leaned in to whisper in Rachel's ear. "And we just _got _lucky, so that's even luckier." _And I'm just gonna keep getting luckier every day._

Rachel giggled. _I stand corrected on the inhibitions..._"Stop it. I'm going to start blushing and give us away." _I can cast sexual innuendo with impunity, but throw it back, and I'll still blush and giggle._

Dan nudged his husband. "Look at those two. Did you ever think we would be seeing this?"

Will nodded. "I did, but I wasn't sure of the timeline." He smiled. "I'm proud of her."

Dan smiled back. "We raised a lovely young woman, didn't we."

Will nodded again. "Absolutely. We've done very well."

Dan sighed. "Think he deserves her?"

Will raised a brow. "You don't?"

Dan shrugged. "I didn't say _that."_

Ilana cleared her throat. "I'd like to point out that my son reinvented himself and moved to New York to be a man worthy of her."

Will held up a hand. "We made it clear with him that he shouldn't move here for her, but for himself."

Ilana nodded. "And so he did!"

Sarah groaned. "Are you guys really fighting about whose kid is better?" She laid down on the blanket. "I'm the best, so what's for dinner?"

Rachel and Noah glanced at their family collected on the sand. Rachel smiled. "I like seeing that." _I've never had that before, the complete blending of families._

Noah hugged her. "Yeah? How about if they were here and we were _home?" I think I'd like seeing you _naked _again more than seeing all of them._

Rachel shrugged. _Touché. _"Okay, maybe I would prefer that. But this...this is _nice."_

Lori walked over with Connor in tow and poked at Rachel's arm. "You look cozy." She turned to Noah. "I know Connor warned you, but I'm warning you myself - don't screw this up."

Noah shook his head. "Definitely not planning to." He gave a quick nip at Rachel's ear, whispering. "I do have _other _plans though." _I love my family, but that flight can't take off soon enough._

Rachel flushed. "Noah! I told you, please contain yourself." _At least until they're not all _staring...

"You contain me just fine," he teased. _I'll refresh your memory if you want..._

Lori rolled her eyes. "Okay, enough, or I'll tell your mother there's a hotel down the boardwalk that does weddings."

"There is?" Noah raised a brow at Rachel. "You think they'd go without us?" _I'd hit up that spot again..._

Rachel laughed. "Not a chance." _Especially since we've already been gone suspiciously long twice today._

_Patience was never my strong suit. _Noah shrugged. "Can't blame a guy for trying." _Except, you know, for _you.

Lori snorted. _"She_ used to."

Rachel glared at her friend. _"Thank you,_ Lori." She looked back at Noah. "I didn't know any better. I didn't _want _to know any better."

_Just like I didn't want to know better when I fucked it up the first time. _Noah gave her a squeeze. "I know. We're all good."

Rachel leaned up to kiss him. "Yes, we are." _And I'm so grateful for it._

"And we're gonna _stay _that way." Noah wrapped his arms around her. "I've worked too fucking hard for this." _And I'm gonna _keep _working at it._

"Yes, you have, and I'm sorry I didn't want to see it." Rachel turned in his arms to hug him. _I won't lose sight of that again._

Noah shook his head. "No more apologies. Didn't you say that to me?" _We're gonna do it right, and we're gonna do it together this time._

"And no more doubts on your part." Rachel looked into his eyes. "You _are _the man that I always saw in you." _I'm going to make sure you always know that._

Lori pantomimed throwing up. "Sarah, you're right, they're gross."

Connor rolled his eyes and snagged his girlfriend by the hand. "Sorry about that. I'll just take her for a walk."

Noah smirked. "I hear there's a great spot under the boardwalk." _Thanks for letting us borrow it._

Connor laughed. "So _that's _why I got such a long run out there."

Rachel blushed and Lori giggled. "Yeah, that'd be why," Lori confirmed. "But now Rach and I are even."

"Even? For what?" Connor looked from one to the other. "Something I should know?"

"No!" Lori glared a warning at her friend. "Nothing, let's go." She dragged him off, waving to the assembly as they went. "See you in twenty minutes," she called over her shoulder.

"Make it thirty," Rachel countered. "And then absolve me of those five minutes." _Too precious to share._

Lori looked at her boyfriend and then to her best friend. "Deal." She blew Rachel a kiss as they turned away.

"Nicely done," Noah murmured. "Those twenty minutes were all ours." He kissed her softly. "And all the minutes to come."

Rachel smiled. "Love you."

"Love you too." Noah squeezed her tightly. "And I'm gonna keep telling you so for as long as you'll let me."

Rachel sighed happily. "Deal." She wrapped her arms around her neck and kissed him.

* * *

**A.N.**: Well, there you have it, Lori is now in on the good news and yay to that! If you like it, if you'd like more (because believe me, there's more to this universe in my head lol), I'll only know if you review! As for me, I'll just be slowly trying to work my way back to writing regularly. Thanks again for taking the time to visit these crazy kids with me!


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